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1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,937
Whoa, look out.
2
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:06,009
(both shout)
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,439
Hey, where's our sailboat?
4
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,454
Oh. It really tied
the room together.
5
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,877
Yes. That painting
was great.
6
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,954
Derivative,
amateur seascape.
7
00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:22,223
Maybe another animated
show stole it!
8
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,793
(gasps)
We'll see about that!
9
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960
Or maybe I sold it
on Craigslist.
10
00:00:27,962 --> 00:00:29,632
Both things are
equally possible.
11
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,030
This a TV show,
12
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,872
or did I walk into
a third grade shoebox diorama?
13
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,498
Did you steal
my painting?
14
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,573
(angry muttering, bleeping)
15
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,171
(chuckles)
16
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:44,175
Out of the mouths of babes.
17
00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:47,648
♪ We're in the cookies
you hate to eat ♪
18
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,518
♪ An unpleasant surprise
when you trick-or-treat... ♪
19
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,089
Boo! Boo!
20
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,518
Snacks should be bad for you!
21
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,563
(high-pitched yells)
22
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,488
(grunting)
23
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,168
(screams)
24
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:09,329
(Homer screams)
25
00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:12,036
Ew, what smells like comic
books and loneliness?
26
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:15,069
(gasps)
Oh, uh, certainly
not this cool cat.
27
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,676
Nope. That was spot-on.
28
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,237
But today I don't care.
29
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,045
Look what I got!
My painting!
30
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,707
The pièce de résistance
of my memorabilia collection!
31
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,746
Not since I was
the winning bidder
32
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,292
on a Ziploc full of
Jonathan Frakes' beard trimmings
33
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,948
have I been so...
Aw, dang it.
34
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,456
Ooh! Gross! Raisin blood!
35
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,189
(Homer grunting, kids yelling)
36
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:35,961
(panting)
37
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,463
Oh, I did it.
38
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,926
Oh, (bleep).
39
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:43,344
♪ ♪
40
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,140
Bart and I haven't always
been the best of friends.
Aah!
41
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,783
And we're here to tell
you a story of a time
42
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,079
when we really
didn't get along.
43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,080
(hooting)
44
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,081
But we found our way!
45
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,553
And we like each other
better than ever!
46
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,992
Way to spoil the ending,
nerd-burger.
47
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,888
Mmm, nerd-burger.
48
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,991
It all began on the
hottest summer on record.
Aah!
49
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,934
After years of pollution
in Springfield Bay,
50
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,159
I am honored to announce
that these waters
51
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,065
are now safe to swim in.
52
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,567
(cheering)
53
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:18,398
Huzzah for a cleaner
Springfield!
54
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,005
Er, uh, it's not cleaner.
55
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,167
We just lowered
the safety standards.
56
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,606
(cheering)
57
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,211
Yay!
58
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,847
(sizzling)
59
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,753
Okay, who's up
for a day at the beach?
60
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,652
I got all the beach I want
with Anzio Beach Invasion.
61
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,964
Pathetic! I was there,
and it was nothing like that.
62
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,590
(Grampa gasps)
63
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,685
I surrender!
64
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,895
I'll go in first so they
won't know it's a trap.
65
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,198
Yoink. Yoink.
66
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,803
Movado!
67
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,204
(humming)
68
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,477
(laughter)
69
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,079
(Homer whimpering)
70
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,953
Well, that is the most
disgusting thing
71
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,952
I've ever seen
on a beach.
72
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:09,424
Kind of sad, really.
73
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,858
(sighs)
74
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,190
A booger?
75
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:17,895
Real mature, guys, real mature.
(both snickering)
76
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,198
A booger!
77
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,700
A human booger, indeed.
78
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,473
Dolphin. Weak.
79
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,141
Skull. Cliché.
80
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,310
"I'd rather be fishing."
Not true.
81
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,609
The bone?
82
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:33,154
That's exactly what I'm bad to.
83
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,319
Hmm.
84
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,852
(gasps)
85
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:43,693
♪ Wouldn't it be nice
if we were older? ♪
86
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:47,261
♪ Then we wouldn't have
to wait so long ♪
87
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:51,201
♪ And wouldn't it be nice
to live together ♪
88
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:56,068
♪ In the kind of world
where we belong? ♪
89
00:03:56,070 --> 00:04:00,340
♪ You know it's gonna make it
that much better... ♪
90
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,081
(gasps)
I'll take it!
91
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,852
(pacifier squeaking)
92
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,989
Geronimo!
93
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,421
It said "water-resistant."
94
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,186
It resisted nothing!
95
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:22,725
Whee...!
96
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,430
Whoa! Dope hat!
97
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,072
And check out my gnarly new tat!
98
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,898
No fair!
I'm bad to the bone!
99
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,014
(sobbing)
100
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,476
(women grunting)
101
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,279
Mmm!
Okay, that's it.
102
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,081
Marge, I'm watching sports!
103
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,982
Really? What's the score?
104
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,124
Uh, the, uh, Boobs
are beating the Butts.
105
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:50,221
I don't think that's
the official terminology.
106
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:51,224
(grunts)
107
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,785
Oh!
108
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:56,133
Maybe you should watch
this sport instead.
109
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,330
Hmm.
110
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,331
Mm-mm-mm.
111
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,402
What do you know?
112
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,143
Checkmate. Ha!
113
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:07,038
It's the only mate
I haven't buried.
114
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:10,242
Hey, Blobby Fischer,
you're up.
115
00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,684
Do you even know
the names of the pieces?
116
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,780
Of course.
There's the King,
117
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,952
Mrs. King,
the Lightbulb Babies,
118
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,450
the Mini Ashtray,
Slit Face.
119
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,953
And who could forget
Dr. Horse?
120
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,456
Want to put a 20 on it?
121
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:26,928
Make it a 22.
122
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,087
(chuckles)
123
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,026
Checkmate.
124
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:37,440
(chuckles) Another victim
of the Budapest Gambit.
125
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,098
How can Dad play chess?
126
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,706
He can't even remember the rules
to Chutes and Ladders.
127
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,479
I do so!
You always think
ladders go down.
128
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,108
You can go down
a ladder.
129
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,213
Oh, God, not
this again.
130
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,645
I go down ladders all the time.
Homer, when did you learn
to play chess?
131
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:53,451
The truth is,
my dad and I used to play.
132
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,364
(Mozart's "Requiem" playing)
133
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,804
He won't stop
doing it.
134
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:11,002
That's jive, man.
135
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,974
But I don't want
to talk about it.
136
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:16,114
(Mozart's "Requiem" playing)
137
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,146
(seagull squawks)
138
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,147
Whoa! Sweet lid, Lisa.
139
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,019
Well, I'm bad
to the bone.
140
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,817
I see no proof of that.
141
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,549
Oh, yeah? Just look at this.
142
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,194
(grunts)
(screeches)
143
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:33,229
Haw-haw! Bart's getting
beat up by a beach turkey!
144
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,331
(sighs)
145
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,260
(groans)
146
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,026
Hmm.
147
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,374
(tires screeching)
148
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,939
Okay, a few ground rules.
149
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,907
Everything I say,
I want five of.
150
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,907
Five Krusty Burgers...
151
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,039
SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN:
Got it. Five Krusty Burgers.
152
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,044
No! I thought I was clear.
153
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,046
25 Krusty Burgers!
154
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,378
125 Krusty Burgers?
155
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,924
No! That's not what I... Fine.
156
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,460
BART: Can I really toss thisthing she's so crazy about?
157
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:06,117
Damn right I can!I'm bad to the bone!
158
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,486
(grunts)
159
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,962
(growling)
160
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,295
(chuckles)
161
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,397
Who the hell are you?
162
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:19,765
I'm your guilt.
163
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:20,873
I don't have any guilt.
164
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,644
You do now.
165
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,813
Don't worry, Bart.
I'll protect you.
166
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,612
I'm denial.
167
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,853
(crack)
168
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,212
Ay, caramba!
169
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,422
♪ Wouldn't it be nice
if we were older? ♪
170
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:41,394
♪ Then we wouldn't have
to wait so long? ♪
171
00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:43,995
(gasps)
My hat!
172
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,057
♪ ♪
173
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,805
Sunny?
174
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,067
♪ ♪
175
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,192
Uh, no.
176
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,121
Uh-uh.
177
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:14,286
Oh.
178
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,434
(gasps)
179
00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:16,629
No.
180
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,100
Nope.
181
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,598
Not even close.
182
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,969
Do you have
any more yellow hats?
183
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,535
You mean like the one you
looked really good in?
184
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,614
Yes.
No.
185
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:34,977
Oh...
186
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,582
(groaning)
187
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,719
(groans)
You're still here?
188
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,021
No offense,
but you look worse.
189
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:47,033
Your lack of remorse
just makes me grow.
190
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,757
(gasps)
Now you're gettin' it.
191
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,969
Ha! Joke's on you--
I like gross things.
192
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,198
Hmm.
193
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,043
(grunting)
194
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,109
(laughs)
Again! Again!
195
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,909
And that leads to mate
196
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,411
in three!
197
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,912
I've got to say,
it's so exciting
198
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,415
to find out
something new about you.
199
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,577
Hey, I'm full
of surprises.
200
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,646
Ooh. Name another.
201
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:15,845
Actually, that's it.
202
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:18,156
Tell me something I
don't know about you.
203
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,228
Okay.
204
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,757
Sometimes when I sweep,
I make little sweeping noises
205
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,333
with my mouth.
206
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,931
(whooshing)
207
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:29,203
Oh, here comes
the dustpan.
208
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,372
(gasps)
209
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,940
(both moaning)
210
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,709
I can't find
Sunny anywhere.
211
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,178
Sunny? No!
We got to find Sunny!
212
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,407
Where... Wait.
213
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,152
The baby's name
is Maggie.
214
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,547
Hey, beach bums.
Man, did I crash last night.
215
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:49,023
Always sleep well
after riding the waves.
216
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,122
Ah...
217
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,864
Have you seen
your sister's hat?
218
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:58,400
Oh, did-did she have a hat?
I-I don't remember any hat.
219
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,428
Her name was Sunny,
and I loved her more
220
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,604
than any girl
ever loved a hat!
221
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:05,903
(gasps) Even Madeline
from the Madeline books?
222
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:09,906
She only wore that because
it was part of her uniform.
223
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,710
Ask Pepito.
224
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,982
(sizzles)
225
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,050
Mmm.
(chomps)
226
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:21,053
Hey, hey, hey, I do not like
to see that going on in my bar.
227
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,557
Lenny, knight takes queen.
228
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,389
Barney, mate in four.
229
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,164
Homer! You're playing like
Polugaevsky at Mar del Plata.
230
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,934
(belches)
231
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,833
Yeah, Homer, you're
some kind of a idiot savant.
232
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:38,066
Hey, I don't come here
to be insulted.
233
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,141
Homer, we're just saying
youse got a special skill,
234
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,580
like a smokin' monkey or
a urinal cake with an ad on it.
235
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,177
Don't tell me you're not
flattered by those analogies.
236
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,809
(sputters) You guys think
you're so hot.
237
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,075
I could fit in a piece
of carry-on luggage.
238
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,154
Oh-ho, I'd like
to see that.
239
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,290
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
240
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,863
Oh, no.
I'm alone with my thoughts.
241
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,833
No. No, no, no.
The healthiest thing
242
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,601
is for me
to let myself out.
243
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,230
Oh, sure thing, pal.
244
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,770
Here you go.
245
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,037
So, Homer, how did you get
so good at chess?
246
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,883
I played against my dad.
247
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,938
Uh, was that fun?
248
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,282
It was, until I learned
the pieces weren't licorice.
249
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,015
(Mozart's "Requiem" playing)
250
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,620
We played every dayafter my mother left us,
251
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,223
and he won every time.
252
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,834
And every time he won,he laughed that horrible laugh.
253
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,628
(laughing)
254
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:38,060
Aw, Mona.
255
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,195
(laughing)
256
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,204
So I found a professor
257
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,073
who lived nearby,
258
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,972
a master of the game,kind, patient,
259
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,674
devoted to me.
260
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,976
I went every day.
261
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,010
You are ready now.
262
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,676
Thanks for the lessons,
Professor.
263
00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,054
You remind me of my son.
264
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,724
Oh. Where is he now?
He's...
265
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,264
right over there.
266
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,628
He just doesn't like chess.
267
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,755
I went back to play my dad.
268
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,495
We had a beautiful thing here,
269
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,000
and you had to ruin it
by getting good!
270
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,672
No more chess in this house!
271
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,271
But, Dad,
it's our thing.
272
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,942
Well, we'll find
another thing.
273
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,681
You listen to the radiator
hiss while I drink whiskey
274
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:25,377
under this naked
lightbulb.
275
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,308
(radiator hissing)
276
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:32,319
It was a sad life,
but I wasn't affected.
277
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,520
(dog barks mournfully)
278
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:37,893
♪ They fight and fight
and fight ♪
279
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,591
♪ Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight ♪
280
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,763
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show. ♪
281
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,600
I brought you
more lasagna, cousin.
282
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,670
Mmm.
283
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:51,871
(laughs)
284
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,302
You know these cartoons are made
285
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,466
by exploiting Korean children?
286
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,905
You ruin everything.
287
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,381
(saxophone note plays)
288
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,309
(snoring, groaning)
289
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,405
(blows note)
290
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,976
(snoring, groaning)
291
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,045
(plays higher note)
292
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:07,992
(groans)
293
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,318
(gasps)
294
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,992
Bart? What is it?
295
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,961
Um, listen, I have... I
have to tell you something.
296
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,560
I-I was jealous, and
I-I threw your hat away.
297
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:18,934
(gasps loudly)
298
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:21,832
Oh, that went a lot better
than I thought.
299
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,935
Why did you do it?
I don't know.
300
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,807
The important thing is you
got to forgive me right now.
301
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,267
I feel kind of guilty.
302
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,975
Then I hope your guilt
will grow...
303
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,907
and grow...
304
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,753
and grow.
305
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:38,948
And no matter how much
you try to pretty it up...
306
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:43,252
it'll still be the most
hideous thing you could imagine!
307
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,085
(screams)
308
00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,094
Nerds! Get 'em!
309
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,226
(Homer groans,
Marge screams)
310
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,534
A cupcake? Please.
311
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,037
No.
312
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,439
Mm-mm.
313
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,041
So what?
314
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,684
I'm truly sorry, Bart,
315
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:09,349
but it's a wound
nothing can heal.
316
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,449
A bunny and a hammer?
317
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,391
Well, my mom did say
bring home dinner.
318
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,687
(humming)
319
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,388
Homer, listen, hey,
320
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,692
I got something
very scary to tell you.
321
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,855
Now, I was on this
alt-suicide subreddit,
322
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,534
you know,
just-just checking in,
323
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,532
and I found out why you
are so good at chess.
324
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,125
Go on.
325
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:34,336
Chess represents your desire
to kill your father.
326
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,411
What the...?
That's ridiculous!
327
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,909
Now, I'm here to bowl!
328
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,211
(groans)
329
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,412
You'll end up in the gutter!
330
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,405
Oh, my head!
331
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,716
Oh! I'll sue!
332
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,988
I can't afford the copay!
333
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,017
Won't someone reset us!
334
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,022
Well, at least I'm safe.
335
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,124
(grunting)
336
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,934
(gasps)
337
00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,961
I'm in luck!
It's still here!
338
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,935
(gasps)
My hat!
339
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,467
Aah! My car!
And my house.
340
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,782
Homer, before you give up,
341
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:22,015
I Skyped someone who knows
a little bit about chess.
342
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,362
Oh, I don't think
any chess master
343
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:28,587
or even international master
could understand how I feel.
344
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,525
I'm world chess champion
Magnus Carlsen.
345
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,301
(gasps)
I understand Norwegian!
346
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,971
When I heard a fellow chess
player had a mental problem,
347
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,400
I Skyped at once.
348
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,935
I'm not a chess player anymore.
349
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,610
From now on,
I'm only playing Stratego!
350
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,079
I cannot play Stratego--
I'm scared of the bomb.
351
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,808
Yeah, tell me about it.
352
00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:49,113
Homer, I'm afraid
you cannot run away from chess.
353
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,975
The reason I got into chess
354
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,954
was because
it didn't involve running.
355
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,723
I share your disdain
for exercise.
356
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,962
Now I will say something
with all the emotion
357
00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:00,218
a Norwegian can muster.
358
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,129
To find your true feelings,
359
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,971
you must finish your final
chess match with your father.
360
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,168
(gasps)
I'm sorry,
you cut out for a second.
361
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,270
Did you gasp?
362
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,601
Then you will nod.
363
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,835
Then you will eat
a piece of cheese
364
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,271
while the wife doesn't look.
365
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,936
Then you will undo
the top button of your pants.
366
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,175
I'm always three moves ahead.
367
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,583
D'oh!
368
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,424
Okay, I don't have
to move the cube.
369
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,590
I just have to get the hat out.
370
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:30,989
Ga-der!
371
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,961
I never thought
I'd sink this low,
372
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,089
but I need help from God.
373
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,125
Let our faith lift up
this cube, Lord.
374
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:40,161
♪ ♪
Huh?
375
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,134
Aw.
376
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,735
Thanks for nothing.
377
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:51,810
(sizzling)
378
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,011
Huh? The soda ate
right through the metal!
379
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,114
I'm just glad I'm not a car.
380
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,877
Ah. I just have to get more.
381
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:02,116
(sizzling)
382
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,659
Hit it, boys!
383
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,457
(both praying
indistinctly)
384
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,729
♪ ♪
385
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,228
And... evil
thoughts.
386
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,530
(both gasp)
387
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,761
(sizzling)
388
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,303
Boys, are you
performing miracles?
389
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,805
Jesus is performing them
through us.
390
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,438
Well, all right, then.
391
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,979
I'm here to play chess,
we're gonna play chess,
392
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,682
and not another word!
I play chess?
393
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,154
♪ ♪
394
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:54,068
An excellent move by Homer.
395
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,744
(cheering)
396
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,942
A stout defense by Grampa.
397
00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,014
(cheering)
398
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,413
Doesn't anyone want
to watch the Super Bowl?
399
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,415
Get lost!
400
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,545
Homer has the win in hand.
401
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,554
He merely needs
to take Grampa's knight.
402
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,186
Oh, he's gonna
be a new man.
403
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,061
A new man,
you hear me?
404
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,759
Can I go?
It's, like, 4:00 a.m. for me.
405
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,892
Sure. Fine.
406
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,256
Uh, who is that guy?
407
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,634
Magnus Carlsen--
my cousin.
408
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:27,707
♪ ♪
409
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:34,107
HOMER: Isn't a fathermore important than a victory?
410
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,714
I've never really known either.
411
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,216
You resign?!
412
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,462
Dad, Dad, it
seems I love you.
413
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,817
Can't you say it seems
you love me, too?
414
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,956
Aw...
415
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,131
my son loves me.
416
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,059
Now I can die in peace.
417
00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:51,964
Really?
418
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,325
Hold your horses!
419
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:57,001
(panting):
Lisa! Stupid Lisa!
420
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,073
I've got something to show you!
421
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,402
I found Sunny!
422
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,166
I don't want
the hat anymore.
423
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,975
What? You really don't have
any choice in the matter.
424
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,808
Here!
I told you,
425
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,653
the wound won't heal.
426
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,918
Your best bet is to forget me
and start fresh with Maggie.
427
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:14,988
She likes raisins, Bart.
Give her raisins.
428
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,930
(groans)
429
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,259
♪ Wouldn't it be nice
if we were older? ♪
430
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,096
♪ Then we wouldn't have... ♪
431
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:31,001
He's trying to be nice.
432
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,974
(sobbing)
433
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,112
Now what's your problem?
434
00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,308
Oh, shut up! I forgive you!
435
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,640
You forgive me?
436
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:39,705
(stifling sobs)
437
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:43,152
Yes. In the right hat,
anything is possible.
438
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,349
(both sigh)
439
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:49,115
Why does everyone feel so good
when I leave?!
440
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,193
(grunts)
441
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,959
(snarls)
442
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,961
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
This will come in handy.
443
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,734
♪ ♪
444
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,072
What's going on here?
445
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,727
Bart and I are
friends again.
446
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,235
(chuckles)
I do some of my best fathering
447
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,038
when I'm not around.
448
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,410
Hey, who are you?
Oh, you'll find out.
449
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,410
(chuckles)
Listen, pal,
450
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:15,882
I have plenty of demons.
Get in line.
451
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,082
How you doing?
Drunk!
452
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,853
Hey, I thought
you were sloth.
453
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,591
Sloths can be drunk.
454
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,092
So we learned Bart
has a conscience.
455
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,093
Haw-haw!
456
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,934
(singsongy):
You have a conscience!
457
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,529
(grunts)
Closed set!
458
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,531
My mom's dating
your gaffer.
459
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,273
Jack! Is that true?
460
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,098
I'm... not proud of it.
461
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:41,773
You seemed pretty proud when
you ate all our ramen noodles.
462
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,414
(Mozart's "Requiem" playing)
463
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,913
Listen, I got to know.
Do you chess guys get groupies?
464
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,946
Homer, I wish you could stop.
465
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,721
These Skypes aren't free.
466
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,120
Yes, they are.
467
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,191
I still don't want
to talk to you.
468
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,766
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
469
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:28,890
Shh!
29516
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