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My upstairs neighbor is hot.

I think preggers had her baby.

Yhe bump's gone.

Maybe she lost it.

Honey!

You don't know.

Well, I think we should figure out which apartment is hers

And take her something.

Like what? A card to say congratulations

For possibly having the baby

We assumed you were carrying?

You're no fun. Why are you being difficult?

I'm not being difficult.

I'm just merely challenging your assumption.

Uh-huh.

Did you see the guy downstairs?

Someone moved in?

Yeah, I guess. I saw him earlier.

Is he cute?

You'd probably think so.

He kind of looks like Adam Levine...

If Adam Levine worked the late night shift at Burger King.

Did you find the cocoa?

No, this is for you.

What is it?

Hot salt water. Go gargle it.

So you're sure this is over?

I moved out.

What'd you move?

Your loufa?

He took his name off the lease.

The apartment's mine.

Oh, it's always been yours.

Like a storage unit with carpet.

Darren, please tell me this is new.

I got it like a couple weeks ago?

Ugh. It's a bacteria ball.

Do you realize the only way to clean those

Is to soak them in detergent after every use?

I mean, who really has that much time

To put into a delicate bath poof?

Have you decided what you're going to do with yourself?

Other than dust this place?

Greg, I'm fine. I've got it figured out.

You do?

Okay.

Don't you have an event to plan?

Should you be having drinks with one of the brides-to-be?

Oh, yeah. Drinks and a cake-tasting.

Well, don't let me keep you.

Don't worry, I planned accordingly.

My maternal instincts said to stop here and check on you first.

Well, what's the matter, Ben?

Don't you think I can?

Yeah, that's the trouble. I do.

Oh, Ben...

It isn't because I'm not fond of you,

You know that, but...

Well, I've just got to have a try at it, that's all.

If I don't, I'll turn into one of those women

Who keep talking about what a great career

They would've had if they hadn't gotten married.

Guess what!

What?

I have another audition this week!

That's great, honey! What's it for?

A sausage commercial.

A sausage commercial?

Yeah.

See, I look like some greasy, sausage-eating serial killer

In my head shots.

Have some more taken.

I know. I need to

I'm probably going to lay out at the pool all day tomorrow.

Not all day, all right?

You'll burn.

What are you doing?

Watching you fall asleep.

Why?

What else am I gonna do?

Isn't it boring?

Like watching a hippopotamus at the zoo?

What? Why?

Because, nothing happens...

Why aren't you tired?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

You've seemed a little distant.

Distant? Why?

Because you aren't six inches deep?

Thanks.

What?

Next time I'll use my pinky.

Maybe I'll read some more of that book.

Have a glass of warm milk.

No, you know, actually...

I think I'm gonna go down to the gym for a bit.

That'll wipe me out

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's really late.

You said the light in your kitchen went off?

Yeah, well, I plugged the toaster in...

And then everything along this wall went out.

The lamp, the refrigerator...

There you go.

That's it?

That's it.

What was I not doing?

You've gotta turn it all the way to the right until you hear it click.

If it happens again, just give me a call.

Thank you.

Oh...

I think you dropped this.

Is he yours?

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks like you.

How old is he?

There he's two, but he's three now.

Well, I bet he's a handful.

I'll let you get back to him.

He lives with his mom, actually.

I was gonna make some coffee...

Would you like a cup?

So... I've forgotten your name, I'm sorry.

It's Joe.

Joe... how long have you been working here?

About a year, I guess.

Do you like it?

It beat some of the other jobs I've had.

How often do you get to see your little boy?

It's been over a year since I've seen him...

My ex-wife hauled him up north

And I don't get much vacation time, so...

Thanks.

So, are you from Nashville?

Just outside.

What about you?

I grew up in California.

How'd you end up all the way over here?

Well, I... I met someone and fell in love

And this became home.

How long were you together?

We were never actually together, actually...

But, then I met my ex and we were together eight years.

God, yeah, I was eighteen when we met.

I was eighteen when I got engaged.

Why'd you split up?

I got tired of carrying around all the guilt.

I wanted to start living more openly and honestly.

About?

About being gay.

Oh, I wasn't sure.

Sure of what?

If you were.

Yeah, aren't you?

Yeah.

Well, thank you, Darren.

This is real nice.

Please, I didn't feel like sleeping anyway...

Toast?

Nah.

Suit yourself.

Okay, maybe just one piece.

Are you hungry?

I mean, I've got stuff I can kinda make...

No, toast just sounded really good.

Yeah, I feel like I have the munchies...

Do you do that? Do you smoke?

I mean, I haven't in a really long time.

Yeah, me either.

My ex was... quite opposed.

And it's not like I can now,

I wouldn't even know where to get the shit.

So, what do you do?

I don't do much of anything.

But, I guess calling about a blown fuse at one a. m.

Is kind of a giveaway.

I'm close!

Go, baby, go!

Did you see this?

Some kid threw a desk

And he's being charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

Hey, that movie's still playing...

What movie?

The new Almodovar film...

I think it's closing tomorrow.

Do you want to go tonight?

I don't know...

I'd probably fall asleep reading the subtitles.

Maybe there's a decent bootleg

Or screener rip somewhere online?

We could watch it this weekend.

I'm checking right now.

I don't see anything.

Well, honey, go.

Go see it tonight.

I don't want to go alone.

When has that ever stopped you?

You love Pedro's stuff.

Go.

Okay.

There's an early showing...

I could be back before dinner.

Perfect.

Well, I need to get back.

Enjoy the movie.

Thanks for lunch.

Hey, Darren!

Hi.

Hey.

You like nice.

Were you out?

Yeah.

Joe, I'm really tired.

Okay.

Good night.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that a record?

Yeah. I like the sound, it's warmer.

Well, I remembered you said you wish you had some,

So...

Uh, wow...

You didn't have to do this, Joe.

I wanted to.

I can't accept that.

Yeah, take it. It's yours.

Okay. Well, um... at least have some with me?

Am I interrupting?

Interrupting what?

It's just me.

Okay.

Why'd that asshole leave you?

He didn't really leave me...

He was interested in adding a third.

To the relationship?

To the bedroom.

I guess that's how it starts.

I don't know...

I was an only child, I'm not into group activities.

Who was it?

Someone he met at work.

Co-worker?

Patient. Some twink.

Urologist?

Plastic surgeon.

I guess he was proud of his work.

Men are fucking assholes.

No...

Well, I left my wife...

You had a good reason.

I guess I shouldn't have married her...

I was just scared.

Scared of what?

I don't know.

There are moments where it felt right.

Moments where I felt like I was

Where I was supposed to be...

With the person I was supposed to be with...

Being the person I was supposed to be.

Then there were other moments I felt like...

I should be sucking a dick.

Do you regret it?

Getting married?

No, I don't really regret it all, because...

I wouldn't have had my son

And having him and being able to hold him

Was really worth every bit of being oppressed.

And when my wife took him away,

I thought things would never feel right again,

But... all of the sudden, they start to.

Yeah, well, I don't think...

I don't think your wife yanked him away

Due to your inability to be a loving father.

She's probably just pissed...

And taking it out on you.

You know? Maybe she's scared...

She probably realizes this is it...

She's not going to find anybody else like you.

I imagine straight men aren't as gentle.

I know this is reaching way back there, but...

Whatever happened to that guy you moved here for?

It, uh... It was problematic.

We...

We met on the internet,

Spent like four days together...

Four days?

You packed up your entire life

And move across the country for four days?

We were really young...

In lust... It was an adventure.

I haven't had too many of those since.

Did you know anybody here?

Where'd you stay?

Until I met Mark, I lived out of my car for a little while.

Yeah.

Does he know...

That's what you went through?

No... No, um...

Leigh and I fell out of touch for a while after that.

Do you guys still talk?

Mmhmm. Yeah, we talk.

He's my oldest friend.

So you see each other?

No... um... He moved...

To California, actually. He makes movies.

Anything I would've seen?

No, not unless you watch gay movies.

Pornos?

Gay-themed movies.

I mean, yeah, I've Netflixed some.

They're usually really bad.

Yeah...

What's it about?

It's about two guys who spend four days together...

Guess I was just lucky enough

To have my heart broken by a screenwriter.

Honestly, I'm just gonna take a break...

I mean, no one wants to finance it because it's a drama.

And you know, it's not just that it's a drama,

It's that it's serious.

I mean, gays want drama...

Clearly, it's innate... But within a comedy.

A raunchy, feel-good romantic comedy.

God forbid you deny them a sex scene...

Or make 'em think.

Well, how's everything else?

Great! Apparently, I am dating the son of the Princess of Kuwait

And the Sheikh of Qatar.

How'd you meet?

In a bar... aren't we classy.

Gay men don't usually meet in the

"Let's tell the kids about this" sorts of ways...

It's not like we meet at church picnics

Or bump carts at the supermarket...

I mean, like us! Look at how we met.

Hi!

Hi!

God, I love the way summer smells...

Like chlorine with a hint of barbeque.

What have we here?

I'm making duck.

Duck? You've never made duck for me before.

Well, I've never actually cooked it before...

But I did see it done earlier on the cooking channel

And I'm feeling pretty good about it so far.

Oh, shit! Is that the entire building, or just us?

Just us!

I'm sorry - I told you I've never cooked duck before!

What happened?

I don't know!

I guess the grease caught fire when I wasn't looking...

I was prepping the plum sauce.

Are you mad?

Why the hell would I be mad?

I don't know...

Maybe because last month we almost broke up over a sandwich.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, you're pretty young.

I mean, you're pretty and young.

And I can see you've got a lot to learn...

Oh, feel free to change the channel...

This is the only thing I could find that wasn't a reality show.

No, it's fine... I just can't believe it's on again.

What is it?

Double Exposure.

I mean, it's really good, if you like old movies.

I'm Luce...

As in Lucy, not as in the result of being a whore.

So, which apartment are you?

Oh, I don't live here.

You don't?

I mean - sorry. I know someone that lives here.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't just go around to random apartments

And use their gyms.

No, I'm friends with someone that lives here...

Gotcha.

They don't ever use their gym pass,

So they gave it to me to use whenever I want.

You want any more of this?

No, I'm good.

So, you and your ex lived in Cool Springs? Right?

Uh-huh.

That's kind of fancy...

Yeah... He's still there.

Mmm.

So...

Were you, like... kept?

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend you with that question.

No, I... I was.

He was an older guy...

He took care of me, but...

I had my own ambitions...

There were things that I wanted to do...

I took photographs...

Mmhmm.

I worked with this talent agency and they'd send me models

And actors looking for headshots.

That's why I got this place...

But...

I couldn't really stick with it.

Every time they'd call or need me,

I'd be off with Mark somewhere.

Holiday in Bermuda, whatever...

It just didn't materialize.

Yeah? Sure, why not.

So, what do you do now?

Now?

Uh... Now, I... Uh...

What is it, like, top secret?

I grow facial hair...

For a man I've never met...

Who pays me two hundred dollars a week to see photographs.

He pays you two hundred dollars a week...?

To take pictures of your fucking facial hair?

He PayPals me every Friday.

That's the most incredible thing I've ever heard.

It takes care of the Amex bill.

So, wait a minute though, okay...

How the fuck does someone become a freelance beard-grower?

How does that even happen?

I answered an ad on Craigslist.

What!

"Can you grow a thick beard?"

Yes.

"Do you own a digital camera?"

Yes.

"Do you want to make two hundred bucks a week?"

Sure!

That's incredible!

I mean, I know it's crazy, but...

It motivated me to do something about my situation.

Oh, I'm not judging you by any means.

Trust me, I would gladly - gladly -

Hand the department of motor vehicles

My two week notice,

If some cyber-perv wanted to pay

My two hundred dollars a fucking week

To grow out my leg hair!

Are you kidding me?

I mean, my love life would probably go down the toilet...

But it would probably be worth it...

For a while, at least.

Well, my gig pales in comparison.

You wouldn't believe some of the other shit I saw on there.

I wouldn't believe?

Trust me, I frequent CraigsList solely for amusement.

The missed connections are hilarious.

What are missed connections?

They're sort of like personals...

But for people who have kind of already met.

You know, they used to have them in regular newspapers...

Okay, example

:We hung out the other night at my apartment...

And we watched The Breakfast Club

And then we fucked and then I went to the bathroom...

When I came out you were sticking my flash drive up your vagina.

I'd really like to see you again,

And my flash drive.

You really have never seen them?

You need to.

This nugget is shaped like Indiana.

I went to Indiana once.

For what?

A colonoscopy.

You asked!

I lost my virginity to a colonoscopy.

Shut the fuck up!

For all intents and purposes!

My doctor looked like C. Thomas Howell.

Ponyboy?

Among other roles.

Other roles?

Yeah.

What?

Soul Man?

Soul Man! Really?

Exactly!

'Cause that's what I like to imagine...

My doctor in fucking black face,

Sticking a tube up my ass.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

But I think these are frostbitten.

Well, they look fucked up.

They have a sackful.

You just get a lot of them?

Yeah, you get twelve

And then you get some fries and two drinks.

Let's do that.

I like mine with cheese and mayonnaise only,

I hope that's not a problem.

Uh-uh.

No.

I fucking hate mustard!

Thank you.

Is that a birth mark?

Uh, well... I don't want to be too obvious.

Too obvious about what?

Oh, I think it's just...

You know, like that dude in Grease.

What?

You know, the one that's the leader of the Scorpions.

They call him Crater Face.

Crater Face, yeah.

Like Seal.

I know, what's up with that?

Why do girls like that shit so much?

Cha Cha wasn't bad looking.

Remember?

Cha Cha?

The one that came...

And caused Sandy and him

To have a big tiff because she danced with him?

Oh! The fucking Puerto Rican bitch!

Oh - yes, yes.

So, whatever happened to him?

Who?

C. Thomas Howell.

Rae Dawn Chong and a ruptured appendix.

I had it bad for him.

Oh, yeah?

Uh... I mean, I could tell from our conversation earlier, but...

I wore out my VHS copies of The Outsiders,

Side Out, and Soul Man...

Like regular people wear out hardcore porn.

Did you ever seen that one movie

Where he munched on Joan Severance's box?

And he had the handlebar mustache?

You didn't like that?

Yeah, it was all right.

I remember... racing back to Blockbuster

To inquire about purchasing it "previously viewed. "

Mmhmm.

They wouldn't do it.

So then, I asked if I could special order it...

Couldn't do that...

The damn thing was in moratorium,

They weren't making it anymore.

You were fucking persistent.

So, I rented it again and took it home and tried to copy it...

But that didn't work out so well because

Fucking Trimark had put one of those

Macrovision distorted signals on it that prevent you from copying it...

Like when you try and watch a cable...

Like Cinemax...

Yeah, yeah - back before things were digital

And you're trying to get a channel

You're supposed to have and it's all like...

That's pretty much what it looked like...

And with that sound effect too.

Well...

Anyway, go ahead, I know what you're saying...

Anyway, I gave up after that...

And it wasn't much long after that

That I had my first experience with a man.

Five people, right?

Mmm...

Seth Rogen... David Duchovny...

Hold on. How do you spell Duchovny?

I don't know. It looks like Dutch-oveny.

It is - David Dutch-oveny.

That's is name on the streets.

All right...

Uh, Rainn Wilson...

Rainn Wilson from The Office?

What other Rainn Wilson is there?

I always get him confused with Bruce Willis' daughter.

Rumor?

The bitch looks like Big Mac Tonight.

Two more.

Rob Zombie...

And Alan Rickman.

Snape?

He's hot.

Actions?

Uh... bite... Lick...

Suck... Fuck...

Kiss.

Body parts?

Mouth... and, or lips...

Breasts...

Ass...

Uh... vagina...

Don't fucking do that.

What?

I fucking can't stand when gay guys do that.

They act like fucking vaginas

Are some kind of like toxic wasteland

And the grossest thing ever.

Um, they are.

Uh, first of all, you came out of one!

Second of all, you stick your dick in a place

That shit comes out of...

I can't think of anything groser.

One more.

Neck.

Okay, I have to ask about this...

Enlighten me.

Mark's idea of a gift.

Like a gag gift?

No, like, "Hi, honey. I went to Germany, enjoy!"

This was his idea of a romantic gesture?

Mark's one of those ultra-conservatives

Who's a radical in the bedroom.

Wow... Who?

Yeah... This is not good... At all.

You know what would be good...?

Seth Rogen... sucking your ass...

On the rooftop of an apartment building...

To "Lay Lady Lay. "

That happens to everyone...

Seth Rogen's out sucking asses.

Mmm! What?

I need to go take a picture of my face!

Man, I wish I could read German!

This stuff does look quite fascinating...

Like this dude in a gas mask...

He looks like he just came out of a fucking coalmine.

Honey, change the channel...

No. Okay, wait a second,

So... If gay marriage supposedly devalues

The sanctity of marriage, then what's all this bullshit?

Who's out there actively protesting shows like The Bachelor?

I love that you don't need a football game

To get drunk and scream at the television.

Well, it pisses me off, and I'm tired of living here.

Hey... Come here...

We'll never be able to get married here,

It's fucking illegal to say the word "gay" in this state.

Please tell me you can hear these people talking.

Yeah, it's my upstairs neighbors.

How is it that we're able to hear them so well?

I don't know... it's some acoustical oddness.

Can they hear us?

I don't think so.

They're this really cute gay couple...

Oh, yeah? Uh-uh

One of them looks like C. Thomas Howell...

Oh, Lord!

I'm serious.

And the other one looks like Patrick Wilson.

Oh, now he is hot!

Did you ever see Little Children?

Mmhmm.

That scene with him and Kate Winslet...

Oh, my God...

On the washing machine?

I didn't know who to look at!

I knew what to look at - between his legs.

I just remember pausing it right on his ass

And looking at it for long periods of time.

Hey, how was the -uh uh

Almodovar film?

I forgot to ask you.

You forgot to ask me?

I feel uncomfortable that it's in the sex books.

What?

It was good.

A lot better than I thought.

Yeah?

He's lying.

Who?

Patrick Wilson?

No. C. Thomas Howell.

What?

Oh, you mean the neighbor that looks like him?

He's lying.

He didn't go to the movie.

How do you even know what fuckin' movie

They're talking about?

Uh... I was there.

What'd you do? Comb the theater?

Get a part time job as an usher?

Okay. One.

A subtitled movie on Wednesday night

In Nashville doesn't exactly draw a crowd.

Okay, that's fair.

Two. I went to purposely bump into him.

What?

He's fucking lying.

Okay, he's lying.

But do you realize that this says way more about you

Than it does about him?

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's really late...

I just... I need to ask you something.

I'm all ears, angel.

Hypothetically,

Let's say you've got this character in this screenplay you're writing.

He looks like C. Thomas Howell.

He's in what appears to be an otherwise,

Functioning, garden variety domestic partnership.

Uh. He's He's...

Maybe he's got some sort of Madame Bovary complex.

He started doing things that are a little out of character.

He's going out alone and lying about where he's been.

So... where's he been?

Hypothetically?

This is a little arduous for 2AM my time.

Remember that couple that used to live on either side of you?

Yeah. Isabelle and the charlatan...

I forget his name.

Okay well you didn't know them, per Se,

But you knew from certain context clues that, you know,

They were in a pretty rocky relationship.

Hearing them scream, and slamming doors,

And going back and forth between apartments

Is all really anyone would need to figure out the situation.

Even someone in typhlotic shock.

Okay, well, what if uhh what if they hadn't been so operatic.

What if uh maybe you'd heard more intimate moments

Between the two of them?

Okay. Spit it out.

Okay. My upstairs neighbor, who, yes, I'll admit,

I've had a crush on since the day I moved in.

But, even if I wasn't so socially awkward

And could speak to him, nothing would come of it because,

He he isn't single and what would I want with him anyway?

I believe in fidelity.

And his boyfriend's some guy in a suit and I'm nothing,

But anyway -

I think he's hiding something.

Damn. They are...

Yeah-So.

What's the deal? Do you think he's like cheating or what?

I don't know. I guess I'll never know

Unless they talk about it.

Well, if they do, you're bound to hear it.

Cause I can hear everything.

Oh. Man.

I didn't mean to sleep that long.

What're you doing?

Well, I should probably go.

See my friend in Building Four.

You can stay.

No, you can stay, it's late.

I appreciate that and normally I'd take you up on that,

all my work clothes are over there.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

And two,

He has texted me like ten times,

Cause I did promise him a piece, so...

Oh he's that kinda friend?

He's that kinda friend.

That's out of control.

How do you sleep at night?

I've gotten used to it.

You better invest in some ear plugs.

Stat.

Oh my God, do you wanna see beard guy?

Yes! Yes!

Okay.

What'd you say this guy's name was?

Aldo.

Aldo?

Hmmm...

Thank you for your photos.

Your beard is looking great, man.

This can't be for real.

I was wondering - when did you start shaving?

Thanks for breakfast.

You're welcome.

Sure you don't want any?

I don't really eat breakfast.

At least at breakfast time.

I've been meaning to ask you something.

I've never really done anything like this before,

So, bear with me. Uh.

Joe?

I think I know what you're gonna ask.

You do?

And... I'd prefer it if you didn't.

No, no, I was gonna ask if you wanted to

Go to the movie sometime.

Joe, I just asked you not to ask me.

So you don't want me to ask you to go to the movies?

You don't like movies?

Clearly I like the movies

And I'd like to go sometime if there's something playing

That we both wanna see, I just.

I don't want you thinking that it can be anything more than that.

More than what?

More than just going to the movies.

Why'd you cook me breakfast?

Why'd you invite me for coffee that night?

Because, Joe, I like you.

I like you, too. I'm really comfortable around you.

I like spending time with you.

Is this, um, cause of what I do?

Because I'm just a maintenance man?

Come on, Joe.

You know I don't think of you like that.

Look at me... you know, I'm single for the first time in my life.

I'm unemployed.

I'm a mess. I need to figure things out.

So figure it out.

Listen, I got to get back.

Okay.

I forgot my keys.

Hey. I was wondering.

You have any baseball caps or anything?

I would love to see you in a baseball cap.

With the beard.

Hey, honey, it's me.

Call me back when you get this.

I've got some news! I'm going for a swim,

So if I don't answer, I'll call you back.

Hello?

Leigh. I'm in their apartment.

Get out of there, go.

If this were one of your movies,

Where would I look for a clue or something?

Uh, we'll talk more from your apartment.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, baby, how are you doing?

Did you get my message?

What message?

I got a callback for the sausage commercial.

That's great.

Who took this picture?

What picture?

The one you sent me.

Um, I don't know, really, I don't remember.

You don't remember?

So how long have you been in the habit

Of posing nude for cell phone cameras?

It's an old picture.

It's like two years old.

So?

Now you remember when it was taken.

Do you remember where?

What do you want me to do,

Lie to you and tell you I used a self timer?

My ex boyfriend took it.

Hello?

Hi.

Are you all right?

No.

Why haven't I ever seen this before?

Honey, why is it such a big deal?

You're always asking for photos at work.

I thought you'd like it.

You thought I'd like looking at a memory of you

With your ex?

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I mean. That phone call proves everything.

Even his boyfriend's suspicious.

Suspicious codependents aren't that hard to come by,

Especially if they're gay.

And all the phone call proves

Is that you were hiding under their bed.

Darren, you leave a life of luxury,

To live in a paper thin cave,

And break into strangers' homes?

Have you completely lost your mind?

I should've gone through the hamper and checked his pockets.

Who cares about his pockets.

You need to think about your own pockets

And how you're gonna line them from now on.

Christ, the least you could've done was rob them.

I need to call Leigh back

Leigh?

Is he encouraging this behavior?

Of course he is, he's probably writing a movie about it.

Hey. Um.

No, I got out.

Um. The boyfriend?

Very suspicious.

He's really mistrustful.

I heard them talking -

I'm just. I'm gonna go.

Hey, hold on a sec.

No, no no no no.

No.

Could you stay?

I was hoping you'd shave my back for me?

It's grown out to the point where I can't go to the pool.

I'm gonna go, but I'm glad to see you've learned how to burgle.

Hello?

Hey, listen.

The object of your distrust is down here at the gym.

And I just heard him on the phone with someone,

Saying that he's gonna meet them downtown in half an hour.

Hold on.

I've got another call.

Hello?

You not busy Thursday night, are you?

There's someone you have to meet.

Oh yeah? Who?

His name's Walt DePore,

He owns a very successful business,

He's adorable,

And I'm sure it would be his honor to shave your back

For as long as you both shall live!

What're we having?

I don't know, pasta or something.

Bring an appetite.

I'll meet you in five minutes.

Um. You have an aluminum bat in your car?

Yeah!

Why?

Well, I don't trust myself to own a firearm.

And so I feel like, if shit went down,

Anyone can bust out a gun,

But if I come at them with this, and just start screaming?

Yeah.

So. This dumb girl I work with who I hate

Invited me to this shrimp party.

What the fuck is a shrimp party?

I have no idea, but she said that

I have to bring my own chair, side item,

And booze.

Mm-mm.

Yeah! What incentive is that?

For people who have to drive twenty minutes

Across town when I can go to fuckin' Red Lobster

Down the street, where shrimp is bottomless,

And I don't have to put up with people

That I fucking hate that I have to deal with all the time anyway?

And you get those cheddar biscuit things.

Those are good.

Where is she getting the shrimp?

Is she catching it?

I don't know.

Maybe she's married to a fisherman.

I try not to ask her too much about herself,

Cause that gives her the impression that I care.

I think going to a party she's having and bringing a chair,

Side item, and alcohol gives her the impression that you care.

I didn't say I was going.

I just said she invited me.

Kay.

So how's your friend?

What friend?

Your friend in building four.

He's fine I guess.

I mean he was fine the last time I saw him.

Has it always been casual?

Define casual.

Has it always been about sex

Or have you guys ever dated?

Eh. I mean it's pretty much always been about sex.

We never dated, if you mean like,

Take me to dinner and a movie.

No, that's never happened.

Then what do you guys do?

You just go over there?

And - I mean - what?

You go to the gym, and go over there and screw?

Do you spend the night?

Yeah. Usually.

Okay. I mean that's not all we do.

So it's a nocturnal relationship?

If that's how you choose to define it.

We were friends before.

How long?

About five years.

So, you were legitimately friends?

Yeah!

When did sex come into it?

I don't know. It was kinda weird.

He just... asked me to come over one night

And it just kinda happened.

I mean it's nice and enjoyable and...

He doesn't mind seeing me naked,

So, I guess, you know, that's a plus.

Have you always been attracted to him?

Yeah.

We've always really gotten along.

Do you ever have sex during the day?

Yeah that's happened some.

You guys both get a day off at the same time.

I don't know, we don't have a schedule.

It's not like on each one of our refrigerators there's a schedule.

Look. I'm about to cut my fuckin' arm off.

Why?

My fuckin' elbow it's just been so dry.

And it's just the left one, and I try everything.

I try lotion, cream. Nothin' works.

Um.

Oh my God.

Our elbows were separated at birth.

No, for real. I've got-

What do you use?

Because I've got this cocoa butter.

I just told you that nothin' else works.

I've got this cocoa butter cream that every other part of my body?

Fine.

I've used a loofah and washcloth in the shower...

I've scrubbed it to the point where it's bled.

Nothing. It's just forever ashy.

I know exactly what you mean, it sucks.

I'm telling you it's an epidemic.

They need to do a special on it.

Dry elbows.

And how they're ruining America.

Um.

What?

All right.

So he's probably having an affair.

That guy looks like Taylor Lautner.

Who?

You know there are other ways of getting the truth

Without having to stalk a person.

What do you mean?

Well, generally when you're more familiar with someone,

The easier it is to get them to reveal shit.

How am I supposed to do that?

He's your neighbor, D, just borrow some sugar.

Start a conversation.

You're joking.

What would I say?

All right, you said something about him needing new headshots.

So I'm going to make you some business cards.

Just drop one in his mailbox,

He'll give you a call,

You will have his number,

And before you know it he'll be in your apartment

Ready to pose.

Since he doesn't have to drive home,

It'd be kind of impolite not to stay for a drink.

I wasn't thinking.

I overreacted, I'm sorry.

No, honey, it was completely inappropriate.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

Is this why you haven't been going to the pool lately?

Maybe.

Well, let's do it.

Just let me pee first.

Joe, shut up.

It used to be a lot worse,

But my ex had a colleague try the laser removal.

Oh, it didn't work?

No, not entirely, no, but you know

I'd like to have the rest removed one day

When I can afford to.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yeah, well, it's lookin' pretty broke to me.

It's the way you're made, kid.

Yeah, well, women were made with hair under their arms,

On their legs, and sometimes their upper lips,

You don't see them walking around town looking like beasts.

I've been trying to think of some money making schemes lately.

Not for laser removal?

No. Other than being broke and having bills

I can't pay, I don't know, maybe

I want to start taking some classes in the fall,

But I'm thinking my credit needs some improvement

Before that can happen.

Are you coasting on credit?

I'm living on credit.

What do you know about eBay?

What about it?

People can actually sell stuff on there and it works?

Yeah. People do it all the time.

What do you want to sell?

Um. I don't know,

I mean, I've got a shit ton of movies

And a lot of records that I'm guessing are pretty rare.

Yeah, I think people would eat those up.

You ever used eBay?

Uh, once.

There was this gorgeous upright from 1880, pale green,

And in God awful disrepair, but I didn't care,

I wanted it for the looks. It was $10.80.

Sure, $10.80 is great for a piano, but it wasn't until

After I'd won the goddamn thing

That I realized it was halfway across the country

And shipping would be a nightmare.

Um, so, I wrote them a check for $11,

Apologized profusely for the inconvenience,

But by that time they had left me horrible feedback

And eBay had suspended my account.

I'll get your records listed.

If you don't mind.

I don't mind, actually.

By the way, why'd you take that key?

You knew?

Of course I knew.

Five keys and one goes missing?

Uh. Why didn't you say anything?

Darren, I gave you pot.

A great deal of pot, actually.

I can't exactly report you for taking a key.

But, you know, I am awfully curious.

Do you wanna tell me why you took it?

No.

Who is this person?

You told me to bring an appetite.

Cute.

You're always trying to fix me up with someone

Just because he has money.

That is not the only reason I'm trying to fix you up with Walt!

It's not?

No! Walt is... lovely.

Uh huh.

Well, let's see if he can get along with my friend.

So, uh, when did you get all that?

Oh it's taken years.

Really?

Uh huh.

It's cute, I really like it.

Yeah. It's quite an investment.

Yeah, there's still some more that I wanna add to it.

Oh yeah?

Uh huh.

Like what were you thinking about adding?

I was thinking about adding maybe E.T. in drag.

In drag?

Not like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert drag,

But like how E.T. was in the movie,

With the blonde wig and pearl necklace.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

I love that she has a Freddy Krueger hand.

Like she's killing people in their dreams.

So. How long have you known Greg?

A long time.

Those shoes would look fantastic on you.

They do.

You should borrow them.

I don't know what occasion you'd wear them for.

For work? Where would I not wear them?

I thought that you did weddings?

I thought that was your deal?

I do a lot of weddings.

Like, how many do you do?

How many have you done this year?

Twenty eight, so far.

But after -

A lot!

But after the next one,

I have two months off to reclaim my position as a celebutante!

What the fuck is that?

So how'd you meet Greg?

Oh, we met at some get together a while ago.

Some business professionals thing?

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah he's incredible.

You know, he's - he paints, too.

Yeah?

Full of surprises.

Look at this little guy.

Yeah. He's really imaginative.

Yeah, look, she's like a pie secretary.

She's on the phone telling her boss's lies.

Her boss the pie.

That fucker!

And then, run and get the coffee while a smile

Hides the rage in your eyes.

Yeah.

I know, it's -

She's pissed.

Well, her boss.

And then this one is my favorite one

Because it's "tonight she's searching for a reason"

As she's walking home alone in the rain. "

And I really like that she's so sad

And when a pie cries... it's so sad.

Yeah.

Anytime a pie cries it hurts me in the feelings.

Mm-hmm.

Do you like to fish?

Are you a fisherman, Walt?

Yes. I'm an avid offshore fisherman.

I don't know, I've never really fished

Except for maybe once when I was five.

We could take my boat out this weekend maybe.

Who's calling you?!

It's this asshole Christian TV personality.

I thought you were supposed to call them.

Well this one will not leave me alone.

What he's want? To save your soul?

No. I don't know.

But I keep telling him that I'm not into fucking fishes and loaves.

I'm into cake and sodomy, thank you!

Right, and he doesn't get it, huh?

No!

That's fucking gross.

He's gonna end up married with like three kids.

It's so sad.

That is sad.

I mean. I don't know why I can't just meet like a nice retarded guy

Like Giovanni Ribisi in "The Other Sister. "

Oh yes he's so cute.

He is. I mean, I would date him.

That's not weird, at all.

No, no, no, no.

I would totally... I would date Rain Man.

Have you ever been to Sicily?

No, I have not.

I just got back. Visited the Palatine Chapel.

Mmm.

Yeah. A Jesus thing.

We can't go to Vegas, because they're too smart,

But I think Atlantic City might work.

You take him and he'll count the cards,

Or if you drop a box of toothpicks, you just ask him,

"How many is that?"

How many are those?!

"Four hundred and twenty five!"

He just knows it.

He just knows.

Listen, though, I think the charm would eventually just wear off,

Cause look, I can't even cut up my own god damn food,

Let alone my date's.

Who needs to cut food?

Just order it already cut.

You can't order a steak already cut.

It's called chopped steak.

I don't like that shit.

We spent a breezy afternoon right there at Porticello.

Just, just looking outside at the gulf.

Right there.

Financial stability is very important.

Not as important as not throwing up

When someone takes their clothes off.

Coffee.

Coffee?! So soon?!

Don't tell me the night's almost over.

Hi.

Look at you.

You off today?

I am off today.

Guess what?

What?

Your records sold.

What?

Yeah.

Which ones?

All of 'em.

What?

Yeah. So, we need to get them packaged up

And I'll teach you how to use your PayPal account.

Oh. Well, I already have one of those.

Oh, okay. Well, first, I thought we'd take a drive

And listen to this.

What the hell is that?

It's an iPod. It's yours.

Why'd you do this?

Well, I figured you'd need some music to listen to.

What'd you put on it?

Your records.

Hello?

Hello? Darren?

This is he.

Hi, Darren, I found one of your cards in the mail.

I'd like to see about scheduling a shoot.

Nothing elaborate, just a few headshots.

Uhh... can I have your name?

Um, okay, he's going to be here tomorrow.

Well, after you're finished,

Be sure to ask him to stay for a drink.

Then what?

Then call me back.

Let me know what happens.

This'll make a great movie.

I hate this movie.

What?

My Boyfriend's Hotter Than Yours.

Want a drink?

Nah, I'm okay, thanks though.

Nothing?

Yeah. I'm in AA.

Oh. Gotcha.

I used to think it was the only way I could have fun.

But, hey, how do you think it went?

How do you think the photos are gonna turn out?

Great. I mean, you're, uh, very photogenic.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Seth Rogen? David Duchovny? Rainn Wilson? Rob Zombie?...

And Alan Rickman?

Yeah. Dirty Mash.

Mash. Like, "mansion, apartment, shack, house?"

Yeah.

My sister and her friends used to play that

All the time when we were little.

Lick, bite, fuck, suck?

I can see why it's dirty.

Wanna play?

George Clooney.

Mm-hmm.

Uh. Colin Farrell.

Taylor Lautner.

What?

I used to know someone

That looked like him.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Who?

What?

He's fuckin' somebody else.

What?

He's over there with somebody else.

I thought you were just friends.

Are you okay?

No!

So what'd you guys do?

How'd you get him to stay?

Uh. We played a game.

Played a game

What'd you find out?

Well, innocently enough,

He's been meeting up with an old friend.

Someone he used to be in love with.

Someone who ran out on him without explanation

And left him to wonder why.

And over the summer, he called me out of the blue.

Confessed his love for me.

Apologized for running away and blamed it

On his abandonment issues.

You know, leave before you get left.

And then he said we should try again.

What'd he expect me to say?

"Let's go to New York! Let's get married!"

He wouldn't back down,

So I've been taking him out to coffee,

Get a small bite to eat,

Mainly because I feel bad for him.

I just don't wanna be another person

Who walks out on him in his life, you know?

So it makes it really difficult to try to explain -

Why you've been seeing Taylor Lautner?

Yeah.

So you've been seeing him?

It's not what you think.

I want you out - Honey.

I want you to pack up your shit

And I want you out of here. It's not what you think!

It's not what I think?!

Babe, I pay your phone bill, remember?

I see how often the two of you fucking correspond.

I'm on a month to month lease,

And, I just, I want to be closer to the record store

And to the college, you know?

I mean, I wouldn't move far, just downtown,

I just, you know, if I sell my car,

And maybe see about taking out a loan,

I could start classes relatively soon and...

Joe.

You've helped me get back on my feet.

I just need to start doing things for myself.

Otherwise, I may never know how.

Oh, Luce, thank you.

Dude, don't even mention it.

It was like ten dollars on Amazon.

What?!

Yeah.

Why is he biting her?

I don't know.

I guess, cause, at first, she was like

"I don't think I want this at all. "

BOOM!

I know. It's like,

If you're trying to be discreet, you're gonna fail.

Her husband could walk in at anytime.

He's about to!

I know, but they don't care.

And what are they on, like a stove?

Um, yeah. Like, it looks like one of those stoves

They make hash browns on at a Waffle House.

It's a diner!

That does not attract me at all.

Who put?

There he is - he looks familiar.

He is the gay gym teacher in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2.

Oh, my God.

Yeah!

The one that picks up when like Freddie's taking over

In the leather bar and takes him back to the school.

Uh huh. God, that movie is so gay.

He gets tied up. Like, whipped, with a jump rope.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand how he did not hear or sense or smell

What was going on in there.

Smell?!

Yeah!

And he's holding a gun.

I know! Why did he have the gun, anyway?

I can't remember.

Was he like a hunter?

Does he wish he was Charlton Heston?

Doesn't everybody?

Why is he wiping off his mouth?

Uh.

Well, he does have a mustache.

Juice.

Yeah but Charlton Heston when?

Like in that movie. "Moses" or whatever.

Moses?

Whatever movie he it is that was awesome.

The Ten Commandments?

Yeah.

His life was pretty shitty from day one.

He was put in a basket. Like, abandoned.

He lived to be really old, I think.

He was doomed.

We're all doomed.

I mean most events in the Bible aren't very fun.

Someone's getting tortured, hurt, upset.

I know. It's really kinda bloody.

Shitty things happen a lot.

Gay cities get destroyed.

Right.

Women having babies,

And they didn't even get to do it first.

What's the incentive of that?

You didn't get to -

Mary originated I "Didn't Know I was Pregnant. "

I would probably want to be around

When all that money changing thing happened.

When Jesus gets pissed.

Whenever he catches the money changers.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember that story?

I never actually read it.

Hey, is that all that's left?

Yep.

What time's that guy coming by for your couch?

I don't know. He said five, so I guess anytime now.

If he's not here by 5:30, it's mine.

I said I'd get those.

Then you shoulda gotten it.

All right, kiddo, you're all set.

Is there something we need to talk about?

No?