All language subtitles for Living Biblically S01E08 Show Hospitality

(SIGHS) Anyone up for another beer?

Or should we switch it
up to holy spirits?

(CHUCKLES)

No, it's tempting, but, man, I tell you,

I cannot drink like I used to.

I'm still hungover from
a barbecue in August.

2009.

Yeah, plus, I got some
work to do tonight.

I love how you refer to
watching a movie as work.

I restarted a man's heart today.

(CHUCKLES)

Man, movies are so bad these days.

What are you reviewing,

- 12 Fast 12 Furious?
- (CHUCKLES)

- Batman vs. Lego Batman?
- (CHUCKLES)

The Avengers vs. Madea?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I wish.

No, it's a, it's a romantic comedy

that's about people that meet through
a dating app, and it's called...

Tinder-Ella.

Wow.

They're trying way too hard

to target that millennial generation.

#Overlt.

Hey, I'm a sucker for any Rom-com,
even the bad ones.

They just make me feel all
warm and fuzzy inside.

- Mm.
- That's what a glass of wine

and my Idris Elba calendar does for me.

You know what doesn't feel
like a warm and fuzzy Rom-com?

Wha...?

Are we supposed to guess or...?

My marriage.

- Oh, no. What's going on?
- Oh, no. What's up, man?

Ah, rumors are swirling around
the temple that my wife, Sheila,

was seen receiving and enjoying
a back rub at the hands

of the new, young,
handsome rabbi, Trent.

I'm a cuck, Chip.

Really? A back rub to cuck?

Alright , I...

I think there's just a-a few
more stops on the Cuck Express.

I mean, it-it's just
a rumor, right, Gil?

I don't know. I heard this from
some very reliable gossips.

The worst part is they say
it happened on Shabbat.

They're calling it "The
Rubdown at Sundown."

- Doesn't even rhyme.
- It kind of rhymes.

It does.

But even if the rumors

are true... And-and we're
all praying they're not...

It's probably nothing.

Yeah. I mean, it's just a back rub.

Okay. But,

I mean, if you heard a
rumor that a woman at work

was giving me a massage,
how would you feel?

Good point.

- I'd drop-kick her into traffic.
- Yes.

All I know is, if I were to
give any of you a back rub,

we'd be doing other things real quick.

Like what?

You really want to know, priest?

I didn't think so.

LESLIE: Gil,

you need to confront Sheila.

But you want her to feel safe,

so lead with your
heart, not accusations.

And, remember, your wife is
innocent until proven guilty

- in the court of love.
- Hmm.

- Thanks for being here for me, guys
- CHIP: Yeah.

I'm-I'm gonna go home
and talk to Sheila.

Drinking's not gonna help me. (CHUCKLES)

- There you go, buddy.
- You go, Rabbi.

- Good luck, man.
- All right.

Five or six drinks couldn't hurt.

- No, go!
- Go! - Go!

No, seriously, go.

♪♪

So, Vince, if you're giving
somebody a back rub,

does it mean that you want
to have sex with them?

No. It means I am having sex with them.

Why else would I do it?

(LAUGHS)

DOUG: Hey, guys.

How's my Doug-tourage doing?

What are you all working on?

Working on getting the
hell out of your 'tourage.

I have to write a review of this

terrible romantic comedy with,
uh, Ellen Page

- and Harry Styles.
- Ooh.

Love me some H-Styles. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I've been to lots of
One Direction concerts.

What? It's a great place
to meet girls. (SCOFFS)

I mean moms! (SCOFFS)

Young moms.

Speaking of One Direction,
why don't you mosey off that way?

(CHUCKLES)

Chip, where's your movie review?

(SIGHS) I don't know.

I'm struggling with it, you know?

I haven't had to review a stinker

since I started living by the Bible,

and it just doesn't feel very Christlike

to be so negative about
somebody's labor of love.

You know? It's like...
calling somebody's baby ugly.

Some babies are ugly, Chip.

If you can't figure out

how to write your Bible
column and your movie column,

I'm gonna have to give
your movie reviews to Doug.

Don't worry, Chip,
she'll be in good hands.

Soft, supple,

small for a man, but made for a woman.

Why do I feel like I'm gonna be called
to testify against him one day?

(CHUCKLES): Hey, boys!

Next round's on me. (CHUCKLES)

CHIP: Oh!

Look at this guy. You're in a good mood.

So, huh, I guess it
went okay with Sheila?

Well, you know, it's a funny story.

I took Leslie's advice.

I headed straight home
to talk to the missus,

and she wasn't even there.

(LAUGHING)

I mean, it's not Tommy Boy funny,
but, you know...

Maybe you had to be there?

She was sitting in a car

across the street with...

...Rabbi Trent.

(LAUGHING)

Anyone want to guess
what they were doing?

Not really.

(LAUGHING): They were kissing.

(LAUGHING)

Pretty passionately.

- Ugh.
- Oh, no.

Come here, buddy.

I'm so sorry, Gil.

Oh, for what? I'm just thirsty. Come on.

Mmm.

Gil.

All right, the jig is up.

I know I made it seem
like everything was...

totally cool and normal.

That's actually not the vibe
I was picking up at all.

Well, the truth is, it's, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT) it's bad.

It's real bad.

Uh, I pounded my fist on the
car's windshield and broke it.

And then I realized it was my car.

And tonight I'll be
sleeping on a pile of glass

in a windshield-less car.

And did I mention the
forecast calls for rain?

You know, Gil,

I have some business associates.

Say the word,
and that Rabbi Trent'll have...

(WHISPERS): a little accident.

LESLIE: I feel so bad for Gil.

- Is there anything we can do?
- Yes.

The Bible commands us to

"show hospitality to one
another without grumbling."

So, I think we should
ask him to stay here.

Chip, no, that is not a good idea.

I'm hearing grumbling.

I think you're reading
too much into this rule.

Can I take this for a while?

Come on. You know,
Jesus would've let Gil stay with him.

Yeah, 'cause there was no Mrs. Jesus

to tell him it was a bad idea.

Look, you know I love Gil,
but I have a crazy week at work.

I ca... (DOORBELL RINGS)

Who's that?

That's gonna be Gil.

I'm sorry. I-I just
saw this conversation

going a completely different way.

- Hey! Come on in.
- Hey!

Hey, thanks for letting
me crash here, guys.

Now, listen, is there an extension
cord for my sleep apnea machine?

Chip, I need to talk to you.

Are you sure Gil's still asleep?

I'm not sure he's still alive.

(FILTERED BREATHING)

I am on night three of no sleep.

Who makes popcorn at 4:00 a.m.?

Ugh. I don't know, but
didn't really love

the way he stood over
our bed to offer us some,

Paranormal Activity style.

- Plus, he's got those night terrors.
- Mm.

(SHOUTING)

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

And morning terrors.

- It's too much.
- (SIGHS)

Chip, this is my one day off of work.

I do SoulCycle, and
then I unwind at home.

I need that.

I mean, I feel for the guy,
but I can't have him around

all day, crying through The View,
The Chew, and The Talk.

- I know. I get it.
- GIL: Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Yi, yi, yi, yi.

Yi, yi, yi! (GRUNTS)

Morning, Lord Vader.

How you feeling, buddy?

(GROANS) Not great.

I dreamt that this couch came to life

and then cheated on me.

How'd you two sleep? Good?

Well, the screaming kept us up,

but the whimpering lulled us to sleep.

You didn't hear me playing Celine Dion

in the middle of the night, did you?

No, we heard it.

You accidentally streamed it to the
Bluetooth speakers in our bedroom.

I'm sorry about that. I, uh...

I needed a reminder that my
heart will, in fact, go on.

So, uh, what are you thinking,
man? You maybe

- get back to the temple today?
- Yeah.

Oh, I... (CHUCKLES) I-I
can't face my congregation.

I mean, you know, I counsel most
of them on their marriages.

Right now, the only advice
I got for them is get out!

Everybody,

this is my rabbi, Gil Ableman.

I thought you were Catholic.

I am.

Catholics can have rabbis.

I don't think that's true.

Gil, just make yourself at home.

Well, that'll be difficult

without a man here
having sex with my wife.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

I don't know why we're laughing.

Ah, speak of the devil. It's Sheila.

Morning, Satan.

- What's up, man?
- Hey.

I didn't know it was
"bring your rabbi to work day."

I didn't know it was, uh...

"wear your cool shirt and pants day."

That's all I got. I
really like your outfit.

Your friend still staying with you?

Oh, yes. He's still staying with us.

Every time I walk in the
front door, he says,

"Wash your hands and say your prayers.

God and germs are everywhere."

I don't know how you do it, man.

I hate people staying at my place.

- Leaving mysterious hairs on the soap.
- Ugh.

Using my expensive-ass olive oil,

claiming they thought it
was cheap-ass olive oil.

They knew.

So, how long you gonna keep
up this hospitable thing?

Uh, well...

the Bible's a little
vague on checkout dates,

but, um, I think he's getting better.

Could you please stop
interrupting me, Sheila?!

Chip.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Is this yours?

Yes, ma'am. He's my rabbi.

Well, unless he's performing
your bris, he's got to go.

Hey, schmeckle. Scram!

You, take a seat.

I just read your Tinder-Ella
review, and I am confused.

Oh, well, it's a play on
the title Cinderella.

I'm about to take off my glass slipper

and shove it somewhere
it definitely won't fit.

You are supposed to be a critic, Chip.

In this review,
there's absolutely no criticism.

You know, you are getting
too comfortable here.

In fact, you look way too comfortable
sitting in that chair. Stand up.

I'm sitting.

What I was trying to say i... Okay.

Well, now I feel like you're
in the power position.

Nobody sits!

Just write a real review.

And the rabbi? He's
got to go Ra-bye-bye.

(GROANS)

Hey, Leslie.

What you doing?

GIL: I'll tell you, Leslie.

I can fix everyone's
marriage but my own.

What do, what do you and
Chip do when, you know,

you haven't spoken to
each other for six months

and it leads to infidelity?

Honestly, Gil, I can't even imagine
us ever in that situation.

Our problems are more like,
"Why'd you eat my pickles?"

Or, "Why are you living
100% by the Bible?"

I'm jealous.

You guys have it all figured out, huh?

You know, Gil, it seems like
you're holding a lot inside.

This class might help.

It's a great stress reliever.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, who's ready to
get their soul cycled?

Me!

I want everyone to really let go.

Grunt. Shout.

Whatever works to get
those stresses out.

(ALL GRUNTING AND SHOUTING)

Woo-hoo!

Life can be very challenging!

That's what I'm talking about.

Wow.

- That felt pretty great.
- Good. Keep it up.

I'm very, very angry!

Good. Use that.

My marriage is a sham!

My-my wife never loved me! Never!

She only makes her side of the bed.

And when I ask her if a
shirt makes me look fat,

she says yes without even looking!

And she puts cheese in
everything even though

she knows damn well I'm
lactose intolerant!

And guess what, Sheila?

We both deserve orgasms!

(PANTING)

Okay, now you guys go.

- Father.
- Son.

I have something to confess.

I brought a plus-one.

Hey, Gene. Never been in one of these.

Is it normal to have three
people in a confessional booth?

No.

It wasn't normal when Chip
brought a pizza in here, either.

I did not "bring a pizza in
here." I had it delivered.

And, if I remember correctly,
you had three slices,

- Father "I'm Not Hungry."
- (GROANS)

You see, Father, Chip
offering Gil our hospitality

has been causing some
problems between us.

(SIGHS) Listen, I-I love that maniac
to death. He's a real mensch.

But when he's having marital issues,
he can be a pain in the tuches.

Did he hit you with that Celine?

- Ugh.
- It's all day now.

Near, far, wherever we are.

This afternoon Chip dumped Gil on me,

and he got me kicked out of SoulCycle.

(SIGHS) I'm trying to
do the biblical thing

by showing my friend hospitality, but...

But I haven't had privacy for days

and, frankly, mama likes to air-dry.

Is that a weird thing to tell a priest?

That's a weird thing to tell anybody.

My point is I don't want to hurt Gil,

but I-I need my home back.

And my point is I just can't
kick out a friend in need.

So what do we do?

Hey, I only choose sides at KFC.
(CHUCKLES)

Being hospitable to a friend in need

is the right thing to do.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Ah, so I was right.

But there have to be limits.

Yeah, so I was right.

Well, you're both right.

- BOTH: Oh, you coward.
- Boo. Ugh, boo.

(SCOFFS)

By tiptoeing around Gil, you're
actually enabling his behavior.

The fact is, if Gil doesn't move out,

- he's never gonna move on.
- LESLIE: Hmm.

So it's not un-biblical to
tell him to hit the road?

God's a fan of tough love, Chip.

Ever hear of Job?

Oh, I've been reading it as "job."
But I get what you're saying.

Because my name is Tinder-Ella,

and I've been swiping left
on love for far too long.

Well, today...

I am swiping right!

You go, T.

Oh, hey.

(LAUGHS) There they are. (TV TURNS OFF)

FYI, your garbage disposal is broken.

We don't have a garbage disposal.

Oh. Then your sink is broken.

Gil, listen... (SIGHS)

- It's been a pleasure having you here.
- Yeah.

And...

you know, this isn't easy to say, but...

I think it's time that you...

Replace the Mountain Dew
I drank? Hmm?

Check the fridge...

in an hour. I'm gonna go get some.

No, no, no.

I-I don't need you to
do the Dew, Gil. I...

What I was gonna say
was that-that Leslie and I talked,

and we think it's time
that you move out.

And we'll totally help you find
a new place. We just think...

Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup.

You had me at, "Get the
hell out of our apartment."

(GROANS)

As evidenced by the Gil-shaped
crater in your couch,

I have had a lot of
time to think about it,

and, uh, no, you're right.

I-I need to get back to
my own life. (CHUCKLES)

And look, man, we're really sorry
that we couldn't help more.

Oh, you helped tremendously.

Are you kidding? I mean, L-Leslie,

that, uh, SoulCycle
class you took me to,

that-that really opened me up.
You know? I-I wound up

calling Sheila, and, uh,
we figured things out.

Oh, really? You two are
getting back together?

Oh, Lord, no.

No, no.

That ship sailed long ago...

and then capsized.

And sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

Where a shark ate it.

No, I, uh, told her we're separating.

- Oh.
- Oh, man.

Well, look, if it makes you feel any
better, she did not sound great.

Please, it's a blessing.

Look, staying here with you

has reminded me of what
a loving relationship

is supposed to look like. Right?

You're a team. You support each other.

You sleep in the same bedroom.

Your love is so real and uncomplicated,

it would make the crappiest Rom-com,

and I mean that in the
best possible way.

You know, Gil, we really care about you,

- and we're always here for you.
- Yes.

Even if you're not, you know, here.

Bring it in, you crazy kids!

(ALL LAUGH)

No, seriously, though, um...

thank you for your hospitality.

I'm gonna go take a quick
bath and then head out.

"Despite the terrible writing,
acting, and directing,

Tinder-Ella is a sweet love story

that just might pull you
out of a serious funk "

Hey, I liked it. A must-watch for rabbis

whose wives are shtupping other rabbis.

(ALL LAUGH)

Yeah, I decided not to
use that quote, Gil.

What do you think, Gene, huh?

Nothing un-biblical about
that review, right?

A little tough love like God
with your boy "job"... Job.

Huh?

Good "Job," Chip.

But, hey, you wrote a movie
review, not a movie,

- so take it down a notch.
- (LAUGHS)

Hey, all right.

Glad to see you smiling again, Gil,

and as for that wife,

- good riddance.
- (CHUCKLES)

Best thing I ever did
was leave my ex-husband.

All four of those bastards.

Well, thanks, Gracie.

I, uh, I do feel good.

I mean, well, I-I'd be
feeling even better

if I could get this damn
crick out of my neck

that I got from sleeping on their couch.

Oh. Gil, maybe I can help you with that.

That's right. Lean into it, baby.

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