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Welcome to Deep Regrets.
2
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:19,800
See anything you like?
3
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:24,040
Heather?
4
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,760
Can I interest you in one of
our signature ruby red bracelets
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00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,720
or... two?
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00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,200
As we say here at Deep Regrets,
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life is fleeting.
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Rubies are forever.
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I don't think those
are in my price range.
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00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,560
Our bracelets
don't cost a thing, Veronica.
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All you have to do
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00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,240
is take the first step.
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I did, and I've never felt better.
14
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,160
They make us say that.
15
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,200
Actually, Veronica, I thought working
here would be wonderful, but honestly,
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it's so boring.
17
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At least it's not the other place.
18
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But I just wish there were a few more
young people that worked here.
19
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:13,320
Do you think you and your new boyfriend
could help me with that, Veronica?
20
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:14,880
Send me someone to play with.
21
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,480
Oh, Heather, I would never--
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00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,440
That was an accident. That was--
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It was just a misunderstanding
between me and JD, I--
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Where is JD, anyway?
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Weird that he's not at my funeral,
considering I was your best friend.
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,440
You'd think he'd be there for you.
27
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-I... I don't know.
-It's okay.
28
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I'm sure he had better things
to do besides be a good boyfriend.
29
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,360
Well, thank you so much
for shopping at Deep Regrets.
30
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,080
And do be a dear and think
about sending me someone to play with.
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At this point, could be anyone.
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Even you.
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Let's go, Veronica.
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You owe me.
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Father, blessed be the fruit.
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You obviously already know this, but...
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my name is Heather Chandler.
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And I know what you're thinking.
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00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:06,120
Why would Heather try to kill herself
40
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when I already
blazed that trail days ago?
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00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,080
We'll never know.
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00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,080
-She's gone, sure.
-You are fabulous.
43
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But I'm here
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as a reminder of the toll
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suicide can take on us.
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So please,
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let me be the vessel
of all of your thoughts
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and all of your prayers.
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Thank you.
50
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,360
That was so good.
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Our daughter was straight.
52
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And we love her.
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We love our dead, straight daughter.
54
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,200
God, all this death
is making me so grief jerky.
55
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,680
Hold this.
56
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,520
Why is Kurt texting you about blow jobs?
57
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,400
Veronica, you have to promise me
you'll never speak of this to anyone.
58
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:18,440
-Why? Everybody knows Kurt's gay.
-I know, Veronica. It's not 2004.
59
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:23,640
But what no one does know is
that I am hooking up with a boring jock.
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00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,560
Heather Chandler will ruin me
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00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,360
if she finds out I'm sleeping
with a sentient woven belt.
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00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,320
You can't live
in fear of Heather, Heather.
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00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,880
You're so pretty and so dumb.
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00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,560
Speaking of, you should
double with Kurt and I.
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00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,000
Ram is always such a third wheel
and you both love appetizers.
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00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,000
No, I don't know. I mean,
I have this thing going with JD, so...
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00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,080
Really, Veronica?
If the Unabomber likes you so much,
68
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,800
how come he didn't come
to Heather M's funeral?
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00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,000
You used to climb through my window.
70
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,280
Now you just send me
a text that says, "Here."
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00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,200
How Mr. Darcy of you.
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Babe. Get in.
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Actually, I think I'm just
gonna stay in tonight, JD.
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00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,360
Rough day and all...
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00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,280
with my best friend's funeral.
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00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,200
The one you didn't show up for.
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00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,360
And sit through another episode
of Westerburg's hit new show
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"Grief: Who Wore It Best?"
No, thank you.
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00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,240
JD...
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Heather was my best friend.
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00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,280
Veronica.
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That funeral had nothing
to do with Heather McNamara.
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If you want to honor her, honor her.
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00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,520
But don't pretend her funeral
had anything to do with her.
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Everyone in that room killed Heather.
86
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,760
And then, with her body still warm
they all crowd around, jerk off
87
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,320
and pretend to be shocked
88
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,160
that the pretty young girl
they all ignored slit her wrists.
89
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,320
Heather's funeral
was just the dirty tissue?
90
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:16,200
in our town's inevitable exercise
in masturbatory absolution.
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00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,960
Night.
92
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,480
Well, we need to do something.
93
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,120
I mean, this is an epidemic.
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Two girls have committed suicide.
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Don't do that, Pauline.
The first one doesn't count.
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I don't want that on my record.
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00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,880
Well, maybe
you should have listened to me
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00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,080
and tried to intervene with Heather
McNamara when you had the chance.
99
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,560
You know that's not fair.
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00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,680
No one could have known
that Heather McNamara was hurting.
101
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-She certainly didn't look suicidal.
-Her skin was flawless.
102
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:06,480
What we need to do
is connect with these kids.
103
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,960
-Radical empathy.
-What?
104
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:14,360
I propose that we cancel classes
for the entire week.
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00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,720
And instead, we bring everyone together
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to just sit in each other's presence
and just... be.
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00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:27,080
Pauline, whenever you're ready to
climb out of the Whole Foods bulk bin,
108
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,000
we'll be here having
an adult conversation.
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00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:33,280
Maurice, we have to do something.
Maybe a bake sale.
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-Teens like muffins.
-Sugar.
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-We're gonna feed suicidal kids sugar.
-No.
112
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,880
Principal Gowan, it's so interesting
that you say this, okay.
113
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These kids don't need radical empathy.
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They don't need a bake sale.
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What they need is something
that'll truly help them heal.
116
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,040
What they need...
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is high school musical theater.
118
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Right? Yes? Thank you.
119
00:07:55,400 --> 00:08:00,320
Now, as you all know, I was planning on
mounting an upscale production of Rent,
120
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,000
but in light of recent events,
I have been working on,
121
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,760
in my own time, mind you,
an original musical,
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00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,720
written by me.
123
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,720
Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It.
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Music and lyrics by Maurice Dennis.
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00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,440
Principal Gowan, the last thing
we need to do is glorify suicide.
126
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,400
No, no, it says "Don't do it."
127
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It has "suicide" in the title.
128
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,640
You clearly know nothing
about theater, Pauline.
129
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,000
Can we maybe
make the word "don't" bigger?
130
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,760
Well, you know what? Actually, these
are quite pricey to have printed up.
131
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,560
I don't know, Maurice. This seems
like it could be in poor taste.
132
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,680
Why don't we do Our Town again?
133
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-Nobody complained about that.
-Okay, well, then I guess that
134
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:43,000
Mr. Steven Spielberg should never
have told the story of Schindler's List
135
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,720
because somebody just didn't
want to see a swastika. Right?
136
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,720
Or maybe Dr. King should have
kept it all in his dream journal.
137
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,960
And maybe Candace Marie Bergen
should have just stayed a model
138
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,920
and turned down a little show
called Murphy Brown.
139
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,680
Well, I'm sorry.
140
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,560
I'm sorry, you guys.
141
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,320
But Maurice Dennis will not be silenced.
142
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:07,880
Art, Principal Gowan, is bold.
143
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,120
Art is vital.
144
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,560
Art heals.
145
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,840
All right, fine, fine.
146
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,200
Put on your little skit.
147
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,000
But one parent complains
and it's back to Our Town.
148
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,720
Thank you.
149
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,600
Thank you.
150
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,680
Heather, are you going
to audition for the lead?
151
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,960
Seth, what did we say
about speaking to Heather in public?
152
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,920
Heather, it's okay.
153
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,520
We're here for them now.
154
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,280
Of course, I'm going
to audition for the lead.
155
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,160
I'm always the lead.
And now, more than ever,
156
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,000
Westerburg needs me.
157
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,680
Pen.
158
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,720
Heather, bend over.
159
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,000
Heather,
aren't you going to sign up, too?
160
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,360
The school musical's
always your thing, Heather.
161
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,400
Heather, not having you audition
162
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,720
would be like sending a dick pic
without a water bottle next to it.
163
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,600
I need you there for perspective.
164
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,080
I know everyone's talking
about Heather McNamara right now,
165
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,800
but I still think Heather
Chandler's suicide was better.
166
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,400
Heather M's felt forced.
167
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,160
There wasn't a true moment
during any of it.
168
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:52,040
So, have you given any more thought
to doubling with Ram and I?
169
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,520
Yeah, I don't know.
170
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,480
I don't really feel like getting
date raped on a school night.
171
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,640
I know he seems like a total boat
shoe, but actually, he's really just.
172
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,120
Please, Veronica.
173
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,760
I can't bear to listen to them
talking each other out of IQ points.
174
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,960
Welcome.
The outbreak began six months ago
175
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,960
in Sherwood, Ohio and quickly spread,
176
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,960
and you are the only survivors.
177
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,360
Have a great day and remember,
you run and you're done.
178
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,800
Do you have any other vest options?
179
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,160
This one obscures my brooch.
180
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,640
I feel like we should go
to college in New York.
181
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,640
Or maybe London.
182
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,800
Wherever I go, you have to go with me.
183
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:56,520
God, that feels like such a far-off
dream, to be out of Sherwood, Ohio.
184
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,720
Please don't talk to me like that,
Veronica. I'm not a lesbian.
185
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,480
Oh, so you mean you don't want
to stay here and raise Kurt's kids?
186
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,680
God, the thought of me
in a kitchen with a wallpaper border?
187
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,280
No, no, no.
188
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,600
Well, is the sex good?
189
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,880
Veronica, who are you?
190
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,320
And I don't know,
I only let him suck me off.
191
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,680
I would return the favor,
but I honestly can't be bothered.
192
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,280
Scooch.
193
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,560
What about you?
Jackie 4Chan still doing it for you?
194
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,680
I mean...
195
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,840
I don't know, it's like one minute
I can't breathe without him
196
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,720
and then the next minute, it's like,
he's just skipping Heather's funeral.
197
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,760
And I mean,
I don't even know where we stand.
198
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,520
Like, are we dating or...?
God, it's so confusing.
199
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,520
I feel like we're either gonna
become the next Will and Kate
200
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,120
or Bonnie and Clyde.
201
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,920
What do you think, Heather?
202
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,320
Oh, thank you.
I honestly just avoid sugar.
203
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,200
...caricatures.
204
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,000
Actually, I have a little box.
205
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,560
God.
206
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,480
And I tried to explain I was acting.
My rage was too real.
207
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,240
I miss our wine nights.
208
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,880
You know, I wish you had
come to New York with me.
209
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,560
-You were so talented.
-No!
210
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,640
Look at me, Martha.
You know it.
211
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:32,800
-I wish I did, too.
-Yeah.
212
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,400
To be honest, but then I got pregnant
with that little surprise.
213
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,520
Well, hey, at least your big,
beautiful voice lives on in her.
214
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,960
That's very sweet of you to say.
It is big, I'll give her that.
215
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,080
-I guess she tries.
-What, tries?
216
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,520
No, wait, Martha. Heather is amazing.
217
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,960
I actually want her in Teenage Suicide.
I have a role for her.
218
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,440
-No!
-Yes.
219
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,040
What role would that be?
220
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,200
Funny fat friend? Busty grand dame?
221
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,320
Magical troll? Mrs. Claus?
222
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,680
No! The lead.
223
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,840
-The lead. Maurice!
-What?
224
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:11,320
You do not have to keep on doing
this just to help her self-esteem.
225
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,520
You are way too generous to me.
226
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,640
-Okay.
-Frankly, I worry for your production.
227
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,400
Well, you are the visionary,
I didn't mean to...
228
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,520
-Thank you.
-I love a good boxed wine.
229
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,080
Oh, me too.
230
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,520
And change teams!
231
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,640
Bang, gotcha.
232
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,120
What are you doing?
233
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,720
The owner said there's an antidote
or something in the armory.
234
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,000
Yeah, this isn't really my thing, Ram.
235
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,200
Okay, Veronica, not everything has to be
all dark and depressing all the time.
236
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,560
We are in high school, I think you're
allowed to have fun sometimes.
237
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,680
Okay, you know what? Tell you what.
238
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,080
I promise I'll tell Heather that
you rolled your eyes the whole time,
239
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,760
and it'll be our little secret.
240
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,840
-Okay.
-Come on!
241
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,440
Push, push.
242
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,640
We're clear, so...
Okay, push, push, in the corner.
243
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,720
Come on. All right, see?
That's the antidote.
244
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,560
We just have to get that.
All right, cool, cool.
245
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,800
Shoot! All right.
This is you, Captain Sawyer.
246
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,520
I have faith that
you will save the human race.
247
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,080
-Okay.
-You got this.
248
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,360
I want to eat your brains.
249
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:34,840
-Oh, shoot.
-Oh, no, that's okay.
250
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,440
-You missed.
-No, it's okay.
251
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,720
Just aim for that light right there
and you'll get it, okay?
252
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:44,560
Die, zombie scum.
253
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,880
-It was perfect.
-Good shot. I'm out.
254
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,560
-Looks like you're on your way--
-Shut up!
255
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,320
Well, you saved Ohio, Captain Sawyer.
256
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,640
-Well done.
-Thank you, Lieutenant Sweeney.
257
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,120
Yeah.
258
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,040
We should go find Heather.
259
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,920
Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
260
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,520
Just... just don't run.
261
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,760
Who's the new girlfriend, son?
262
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,400
Didn't expect you home, Dad.
263
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,320
I'm Teyna, with a Y.
264
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,160
I met your dad at Pilates.
265
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,880
I just moved here from Louisville,
266
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,400
and I don't know a soul.
267
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,600
So, I decided to take a bunch of classes
just to meet people.
268
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,560
I took spinning, I took yoga,
269
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,360
I took what's called cardio barre,
270
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,800
I took one of those pottery classes,
I took spinning...
271
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,920
She's fascinating, son.
272
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:58,040
-JD was just going to his room to study.
-Oh, never.
273
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,080
You look like you haven't eaten in days.
274
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,880
We gotta put some meat on those bones
275
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,080
so you grow up
to be just like your father.
276
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:09,920
So, tell me, JD, do you have a girl
that's sweet on you?
277
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,600
A girlfriend? She pretty?
278
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,360
I know it's not, like, the cool thing
with y'all young kids,
279
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,360
but if you want my advice,
280
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,120
I say you get married
281
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,360
and have little ones
as soon as possible.
282
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,280
Nothing more important
than starting a family.
283
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,880
Marriage...
284
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,480
is a wound.
285
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,680
Marriage is fear.
286
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,920
It's weakness.
287
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,800
Marriage, Teyna with a Y,
288
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,360
is the public announcement
that you are not whole as a person.
289
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,080
And then on top of that,
to hold a giant celebration
290
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,120
to advertise the fact
that you alone are not enough
291
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,520
and you need an entire other human
292
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,040
to staunch the bleedings
of your own inadequacies.
293
00:17:56,200 --> 00:18:00,360
And then on top of that,
to ask people to bring gifts
294
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,960
to the celebration of your death
295
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,520
as an individual.
296
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,320
So, do I plan to get married?
297
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,120
No. No, Teyna, I don't.
298
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,000
This is great steak, son.
299
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,120
I had a great time tonight, Veronica.
300
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,480
I did, too.
301
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:49,960
Well, good. I'm glad.
302
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,480
Good. No, I'm glad.
303
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,160
And I know that this...
304
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,680
is probably not a very good time
to ask, but...
305
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,800
Yeah, Ram,
I'm not going to sleep with you.
306
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,760
I was just going
to ask if you were okay.
307
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,240
Since Heather McNamara and all.
308
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:14,200
I just figured if you ever needed to
talk to somebody about that, I would...
309
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,320
I would totally do that.
310
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,560
-Thanks, Ram.
-Yeah.
311
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,000
Oh, no, hey, I can...
I can get that for you.
312
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,320
Here you go.
313
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,960
-Thanks.
-Yeah.
314
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,080
-Night, Ram.
-Good night, Veronica.
315
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:53,960
-Bye.
-Bye.
316
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,680
Kurt, go further down.
Someone could see us.
317
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,080
Heather...
318
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,480
Why do we always gotta do
all this sneaking around?
319
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,240
My parents want to meet you.
320
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:23,040
Well, tell them they can as soon as
their son learns how to suck me off.
321
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,200
I guess it's probably not the best time
to give you this, then.
322
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,040
It's my class ring.
323
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,280
Pewter?
324
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,040
I had it engraved with the first thing
you ever said to me.
325
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,120
"Stop staring at me, urinal cake."
326
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,040
That's really sweet.
327
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,440
Fine, I'll allow your parents
to meet me tomorrow.
328
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,920
Thank you.
329
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,440
Heather?
330
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,280
Good night.
331
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,280
Good night, Kurt. God.
332
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:22,520
Jade! Can you please clap your ass
to stripper music at a lower volume?
333
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,640
I feel like I'm in Daytona.
334
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,640
Hello, Heather.
335
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,440
-Heather.
-It's funny,
336
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,920
Veronica wasn't answering my texts
which, of course, is unacceptable
337
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,920
because we have so much to do
to prep for my audition.
338
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,280
And so, I went over to her house.
339
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,000
And do you know
what Mrs. Sawyer told me?
340
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,400
She said that Veronica and Ram
341
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:51,280
were out on a double date
with you and Kurt.
342
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,560
Now I think we both know
Veronica's a total boot-cut jean,
343
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,160
so I expect her
to be making poor choices.
344
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,800
-But you, Heather?
-Heather, I can explain.
345
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,240
At first, I was like,
why would Heather do this to me?
346
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,920
And of course, I started to plan
347
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,760
how I was going to
destroy you at Westerburg.
348
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,440
But then I remembered
349
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,080
that you haven't been through
what I've been through.
350
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,480
So, you're not enlightened yet.
351
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,280
It's not your fault, you just...
352
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,000
You don't know any better.
353
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:21,760
So, everything is...
354
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,280
okay?
355
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,400
Did you eat a brain tumor
for brunch, Heather?
356
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,960
Of course, it's not okay. You tried
to hide a relationship from me.
357
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,440
You know I don't allow plus ones
without prior approval and as such,
358
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,240
I'm gonna need you to break up
with Kurt tomorrow in the cafeteria
359
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,520
-in front of everyone.
-Heather, I can't...
360
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,840
Everyone needs to know
your crime, Heather.
361
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,320
You brought a bachelorette party
into a gay bar.
362
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,200
And now you have to pay.
363
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,040
It's either us...
364
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,560
or him.
365
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,400
Hey, Heather.
366
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,080
Kurt, you're not working out.
367
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,360
But I lifted this morning.
368
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:26,840
Kurt, look at me.
369
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,680
-Okay.
-Now look at you.
370
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:31,920
Okay.
371
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,480
I don-- I don't understand.
372
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:37,920
I am a mountain lion.
373
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,720
And you're a cross-eyed dumpster cat.
374
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,720
I tear out hikers' throats,
375
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,760
and you chase
laser dots across linoleum.
376
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,040
I make entire species go extinct.
377
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:57,680
And you can, at most, dream of the day
when you learn to flush a toilet.
378
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,040
Sure, we're both cats, Kurt.
379
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,160
But cashmere and burlap
are also both fabrics.
380
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:11,760
Us together just...
381
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,440
upsets the natural order of things.
382
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,120
And it would be rude...
383
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,840
to allow all the other dumpster cats
here at Westerburg
384
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,960
to continue thinking that they, too,
385
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,760
could possibly, one day, date a lion.
386
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,560
So, I have to break up with you.
387
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:48,680
For them.
388
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,480
Gosh, Heather.
389
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,520
Super mean way to treat
the mentally challenged.
390
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,000
Who is this?
391
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,280
And what is that?
392
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,120
This is Lizzy.
She's new and is in foster care.
393
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,000
Hi.
394
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,080
Lizzy's literally never had a home.
395
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,840
Isn't she just?
396
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,760
First, you make me break up
with Kurt and now this.
397
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,880
Heather McNamara dies
and you fill our table with losers?
398
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,440
Don't look at me.
399
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:35,640
Are you done?
400
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,200
Good.
401
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:42,760
Come on, Lizzy. I'll show you where
all the best lighting at Westerburg is.
402
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,080
Heather, grab our bags.
403
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,200
Where were you?
We were supposed to get lunch.
404
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,560
You know, a heads-up
from my boyfriend would have been nice.
405
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,000
Boyfriend? Veronica, you make
what we have sound so high school.
406
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:06,640
Yeah, maybe because
we are in high school.
407
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:11,520
Okay, no. What we have isn't prom
or keggers before curfew.
408
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,520
What we have transcends high school.
409
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,560
I thought you weren't
like the rest of them.
410
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:21,360
Well, maybe I am like them.
411
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,880
Maybe they're not so bad.
412
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,440
Maybe you just don't have them
as figured out as you think that you do.
413
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,640
Actually, you know what?
414
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,440
I went on a date with Ram,
415
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,920
and I liked it.
416
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:40,280
He wore his letterman jacket and talked
about sports and I had a great time.
417
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,840
It was normal, JD.
418
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,760
Something that I haven't seen
in a long time.
419
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,480
Do you think you're going
to make me jealous
420
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,960
because you went on a date with Ram?
421
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,560
Because I'm not.
422
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,520
Yeah. And why would you be?
423
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,520
Because you are so beyond labels
like boyfriend and girlfriend.
424
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:06,400
Right? JD, you think
that you are so much smarter
425
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,480
and so much deeper
than everybody at Westerburg.
426
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,040
I just see high school for
the totalitarian cesspool that it is.
427
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:20,720
JD, you have the political beliefs
of a dorm room poster.
428
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,560
"Dear Diary,
429
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,880
is it bad if I only went outwith Ram to make JD jealous?
430
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,080
Is that even what I'm doing?
431
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,400
Maybe I actually like Ram.
432
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,960
Things definitelyare a lot easier with him.
433
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,760
Whatever, Diary.
434
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,640
I'm a girl and I want boys to like me.
435
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,720
Call the goddamn cops.
436
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,800
And not just like me.
437
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,320
I want them to die for me.
438
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,320
And you watch, Diary.
439
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,880
It's gonna work.
440
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,040
JD is going to come climbing throughthat window any minute now,
441
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:23,400
begging me to take him back.
442
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,320
-Ram?
-Hi.
443
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:29,680
Can I show you something?
444
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,480
Here we are.
445
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,280
Heather...
446
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,400
It's not too late to back out.
447
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,680
I don't want my baby to be humiliated.
448
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,080
Pick me up at nine.
449
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,080
Oh, and Mom, Dad, this is Lizzy.
450
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:57,560
We need to adopt her.
451
00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,320
Oh, well, I don't know...
452
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,720
Oh, my God.
You guys never buy me anything.
453
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,880
It's so nice to meet you.
454
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,800
Turns out you shouldn't do
Tennessee Williams actually drunk.
455
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,360
Heather,
why is Lizzy touching your face?
456
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:17,760
-That's my job.
-Lizzy does a better contour than you.
457
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,000
I've had to cover up a lot of bruises.
458
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,360
Heather, the best thing you can do now
to make me look good
459
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,960
is go out there and sing.
460
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,920
The comparison
will definitely be flattering.
461
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,240
Heather, don't you think replacing
462
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,920
Heather M. with another person of color
is a little on the nose?
463
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,320
No offense.
Lizzy, was it?
464
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,560
Heather, you must be confused.
465
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:41,320
Lizzy isn't the new Heather M.
466
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,400
She's the new Heather you.
467
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,680
Well, then maybe I won't agree to your
little audition plan then, Heather.
468
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,320
Oh, Heather.
469
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,600
Didn't you learn your lesson
when I was gone?
470
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,480
You tried to take my place,
become number one and you failed.
471
00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:59,600
And why is that, Heather?
472
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:02,280
Because being number one
473
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:04,520
just isn't in your bones.
474
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,480
You're a parsley sprig.
475
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,920
You're a dinner roll.
476
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,040
You're a side salad.
477
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:14,720
Heather Duke.
478
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:19,760
Knock 'em dead, lion.
479
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,880
Okay, Lizzy, teachable moment.
480
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,520
Whenever a friend steps out of line,
481
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:38,560
you gotta yank that leash right back in
or they will walk all over you.
482
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,640
You're the smartest person I know,
Heather.
483
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:43,760
Let's take a pic.
484
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,400
Document this moment.
485
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,000
Ready?
486
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,280
Oh, Lizzy, you have got
to find your light.
487
00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:55,920
You have so much to learn.
488
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,800
Now go out there and cheer for me.
489
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,800
Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It is a WIP.
490
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,880
That's industry talk
for work in progress.
491
00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:10,480
So, we're auditioning you all
with one of the classics.
492
00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,160
Oh, and we actually
don't have the rights to this song,
493
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:15,760
so nobody film this.
494
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,560
When the night falls down
495
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,480
I wait for youAnd you come around
496
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:33,200
And the world's alive
497
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:37,880
With the sound of kidsOn the street outside
498
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:41,360
When you walk into the room
499
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:45,320
You pull me closeAnd we start to move
500
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:48,560
And we're spinning with the stars above
501
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:52,520
And you lift me up in a wave of love
502
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:56,120
Ooh, baby,do you know what that's worth?
503
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:59,920
Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth
504
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,720
-You say in heaven
-Nice.
505
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:03,920
Love comes first
506
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,880
We'll make heaven a place on Earth
507
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,320
Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth
508
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,680
When I feel alone
509
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:21,400
I reach for youAnd you bring me home
510
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,440
When I'm lost at sea
511
00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:29,480
I hear your voiceAnd it carries me
512
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,320
In this worldWe're just beginning
513
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,200
-In this world-To understand the miracle of living
514
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:39,560
-Of living-Baby, I was afraid before
515
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,280
-I was afraid-I'm not afraid anymore
516
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,800
Anymore
517
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:50,480
Ooh, baby,do you know what that's worth?
518
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,480
Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth
519
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,240
They say in heaven
520
00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,480
Love comes first
521
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:02,080
We'll make heaven a place on Earth
522
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:08,720
Oh, heaven is a place on Earth
523
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:25,880
Out of my way. Hello!
524
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:27,600
Welcome to the theater.
525
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:29,440
I think we found our lead.
526
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:31,080
Welcome to the lead.
527
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:36,200
All right, keep going, keep going.
528
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:37,720
-Okay, are you ready?
-Yeah.
529
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,200
-You sure?
-Yes.
530
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,120
Okay. Check it out.
531
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,760
Are we at Butcher's Bridge?
532
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:46,480
Yes, yeah, we are.
533
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,840
So, old town legend,
after General Westerburg,
534
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,600
he pillaged and conquered
the Mickashawnee tribe,
535
00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:56,080
he took his squaw, Little Feather,
to this very spot to make her his bride.
536
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,920
So, they say that
if you kiss at Butcher's Bridge,
537
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,280
that you'll be married forever.
538
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,400
Ram, Little Feather was 12.
539
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,200
Yeah, I know.
540
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:09,280
That was-- It was back in the olden
days, though, so it was cool.
541
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:10,760
But...
542
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,560
My parents kissed here,
543
00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:17,720
so I kind of thought it'd be romantic.
544
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,200
But...
545
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:22,680
I kind of screwed up, huh?
546
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:24,480
No. No, I mean...
547
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,680
I think that this is really sweet.
548
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,360
And you made a picnic.
549
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,760
Yeah, spaghetti with extra oregano,
just for you.
550
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,360
And I got here a couple hours earlier
and did all the lights.
551
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,080
I wanted it to look perfect, so, yeah.
552
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:45,680
So...
553
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,200
So.
554
00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:55,000
You want to see if the legend
of Butcher's Bridge is true?
555
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,360
Damn it.
556
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,120
Okay, all right, just hang on.
557
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:11,720
I'm gonna fix that real quick because
I really wanted that to be perfect.
558
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,320
-It was perfect, just hang on
-Okay.
559
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:14,800
-Close your eyes, okay?
-Okay.
560
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,280
I'll be right back.
You're not gonna leave?
561
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,000
-No!
-Okay.
562
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:52,680
Ram?
563
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,080
You wanted me to be jealous, right?
564
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,480
Well, congratulations, Veronica Sawyer.
565
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:32,600
I'm jealous.
566
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:36,320
I'm jealous every moment
I'm not with you.
567
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:39,240
I'm jealous of every breath you inhale
568
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:42,320
and every drop of rain
that gets to fall on your cheek.
569
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,760
I'm jealous of every passing car
570
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,800
that has the privilege
to wear your reflection,
571
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:53,120
and wonder at how fucking
beautiful and perfect you are.
572
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:00,400
And to ask Ram
573
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,520
to even comprehend a girl like you
574
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,600
is a goddamn crime.
575
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:16,560
I need you to say something
because I can just keep talking.
576
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:28,560
You had me from the moment
I saw Ram's lifeless body.
577
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,000
I love you, Veronica.
578
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:43,640
I love you too, JD.
44318
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