Original subtitles

Dylan! Lauren?

What? She's here? Is that why we're here?

Give it up! You've gone mad!

This is May and this is Ashley.

Ashley. There's a lot riding on this for me, you know.

It's like a big homecoming trip, so...

I thought you were brother and sister.

What? You just look similar.

You should totally come to May's cousin's wedding!

Dylan! I've just seen Lauren.

You're still stalking that bellend.

Where are you? I don't know where I am, I just ran.

Shit!

Sean!

I think it was back that way, mate.

Police? Yes, hi.

I need to report a missing persons.

Person.

It's my friend Sean.

He... There was a fracas and he ran off...

Yes, he's an adult. He's 20.

Oh, I should also mention that I'm in China, at the moment.

Yes, this is all happening in China.

Well, I just thought the UK police

could sort of cover stuff here. It's...

No? OK.

Do you have the number for China?

For the police in China!

OK, bye.

What's going on? Where are we?

Come on. You worry too much.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

We are going to have lots of fun!

What? What is this place?

Say hi. Hi.

Alcohol! You sing!

What? Drake! Drake!

Hotline Bling. Hotline Bling.

Oh, Drake!

Yeah! You want me to sing? Come on, sing.

Can I use the toilet, quick?

What, toilet? Toilet, real quick, yeah.

OK. That side. Yeah?

Come back real soon. Come back. Yeah.

Drake!

Ah! Ah!

Hey!

I'm in love

My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart

Hey!

It's cos of you

The world is in a crazy hazy hue

My heart is beating like a jungle drum

Badda-dunka-dunka, dun-dun-dun-dun

My heart is beating like a jungle drum

Raka-tukka-tukko, katukka-rukka-tung-tung...

Please, just wait five more minutes.

We can't. I'm sorry, but we're not going to miss our train.

He's probably already got a bus to Beijers, dildo.

Yeah, come on, let's go. Wait. We can't just leave him here.

Sean might, you know...

die.

What?! He's not going to die, OK?

Bottom line, I'm not going to miss my cousin's wedding

because a British guy I hardly know

has gone missing at a music festival

in a not especially remote area in the summer.

I mean, if you are that worried about him, I don't know...

Don't come. What?

No! I can't afford to do stuff on my own.

OK, great. Glad to know you care.

And I want to come, to support you.

Hope you find him.

Well, see you around, brother.

Don't go changing.

Wait! Wait!

And even if he hasn't gone back to Beijing,

I can always go to the embassy

and tell them to deploy the search chopper.

You won't need the embassy.

He's going to be fine. I worry about him, you know.

He's not good on his own.

He once went on a geography field strip

and got attacked by a swan. Shit.

Did it break his arm? Well, I just intervened.

Pacified it?

Sean! Oh, thank God, man.

Are you OK? Sort of.

I got picked up by these guys.

I thought they were going to kill me or take out my liver or something.

Why, was it an organ trafficking thing?!

No, no, it's more like... karaoke.

Mate, I am so sorry, Sean.

I'm just riven with guilt about this.

What? Riven.

What does that mean? No, no, no, it's just means full.

So, where are you now? I don't know, you know.

I don't think we're too far from where we were.

Mate, we need to turn around.

He's not in Beijing. He's somewhere near here.

What? No! Just tell him to meet you in Beijing.

What? You're going to Beijing?

Yeah, I'm in the van. What, seriously?

You abandoned me? No, I want to come and get you,

but May's worried about missing her train to the wedding.

Oh, yeah, great!

Just tell him to meet us at the wedding.

No, no, no, he can't do that.

Oh, yes, he can. Give me the...

No, no!

Hey, Sean, Hi!

It's Ashley. Hey!

Hey, Ashley. What happened last night?

You must have been shitting yourself.

No, I was never worried. Oh, OK.

So, are you coming to Hangzhou, or what?

Sorry? Hangzhou...

it's where the wedding is. It's super easy from Beijing...

you just take one bullet train the whole way.

Hangzhou. Hangzhou, it's the stop right before Shanghai.

OK. Well, I'm not really sure if I can just, you know, jump on a train.

I know you can do it.

Yeah? And you can be my dance partner!

OK. Oh, God, Sean, you are the best!

OK, we'll see you there. OK? No, give it back...

He can't come to the wedding! No, no, Sean, Sean.

Hi, it's me again. I'm really sorry, mate,

I really don't think you should come to Hangzhou

Why not? Because, no offence, mate, I just don't think you can.

Stop telling the others I can't do things, Dyl, yeah?

I've got a charger, I'm eating a doughnut,

and, no, I don't need you to come and rescue me.

It's China, not Iraq,

and you're not fucking Popeye. Yeah, but what about the Swan?

What swan? The swan from the geography field strip!

This is what I want to do, OK?

You said you were all about me. I am, it's just...

I've just sworn off love, Sean,

I don't massively want to go to a wedding.

Yeah, well, I do, so that's what we're doing. OK, fine.

See you there. Yeah, you will.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I am. Because now Sean is about to get on a train on his own.

Oh, calm down, dildo.

He'll be fine. He's not a baby.

No, you see, it really isn't the more the merrier.

We're going to a wedding, not building a barn,

and I've had to work on my mom for ages to come to this, OK?

So I'm not going to jeopardise it by bringing extra men

who aren't invited. Not a problem. We'll just crash it.

Lock up your bridesmaids, the British are coming.

Wow. OK, that's a veto right there.

I'm exercising the Chinese right to veto.

Oh, come on! Fine, didn't want to come anyway.

Sorry, Greg. No, no wozzas.

I'll probably be too busy prepping for my big Shanghai meeting.

Yi zhang. Yi zhang. Yi zhang piao zhi Hangzhou. Zhi Hangzhou.

I'm going to get this ticket.

Excuse me. Do you speak English?

Hi, yeah, yeah, I'm English.

OK, great, do you have a penknife?

He's gotten his phone stuck on a selfie stick.

Oh, no, I've got a pen though.

No, that won't do, but thanks anyway.

I'm Kendra, this is Eugene.

Hey, I'm Sean. Kendra, come on, let's go.

Wait a bit. Where are you heading off to?

Hangzhou?

Oh, yeah.

Do you know where I can get a ticket or something?

Hangzhou is supposed to be lovely this time of year.

Over there. Yeah? We are going a different way, so...

We are going to Hubei province ... the tea plantation. Oh.

He likes tea, if you can believe that, Sean.

Oh, wow, really?

I've actually got some Pu-ehr tea that's over 80 years old.

Oh, Jesus, Eugene. He doesn't want to hear about

your very old fucking tea.

Will you stop always going on about it? I didn't! It just came up.

It came up. Yeah. Yeah, because you brought it up.

Oh, you're a nasty little pasty today, aren't you?

Nasty? Travelling the world with you...

Yi zhang Hangzhou.

Yi zhang. Yi zhang Hangzhou. Yi zhang. Yi zhang Hangzhou.

What are you doing?

Oh, these are the poems that I wrote for Lauren.

I just want to throw them out of the window...

because I hate them and I hate who I was back then.

Back when? Do you mean yesterday?

You can't open the windows on a bullet train...

it's too fast. It's not a ferry, mate.

You'll get sucked out. Bloody Nanny state bullshit.

La la la

La la la...

Your singing is horrible.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, OK.

Thank you! Bye.

Hi, Mom.

Yes, I'm checking in right now.

Yes, I said right now. OK.

Hey, Greg, question, do you really have a meeting in Shanghai?

Yes. Hence the briefcase

and the fact that I said I've got a meeting.

Yes, I've got a meeting. Yeah, no, I just...

You know, I thought you were lying. I'm not here on a gap year, Ash.

This is what I do. I'm a proper person!

I buy stuff in China and I sell it in the UK, that's my vibe.

OK, OK. Because I would love to see the inside of a Chinese factory.

Well, come to the Chinese factory I'm going to.

OK. I think they've suffered enough

without you sticking your camera in their faces.

Actually, Ash, you could be a witness to the counter signing.

That will be great. Daisy usually does that,

but that particular Elvis has left the building, as in, left me.

Well, yes, I can do that. Well, totally do it then!

No. Yes, she says.

Look at my mom's itinerary.

Do you see any blank spaces?!

Anywhere?

We're meeting my uncle's family tomorrow morning

and then he's taking us to honour my ancestors.

Yeah, but do I have to do that bit?

Like, is that important? Yes, you do and, yes, it is.

Oh, OK... Yeah, I'll do it.

Well, I can witness the contract... Yes, Dylan, you can, mate.

I've actually got a really beautiful signature, so... Lovely.

Well, you can do that then, brother.

And then, after which, we can tear Shangers a new one. Yes, please.

Oh, phone.

Sean. Hi, are you here?

No, I'm on the train, I'm on the train!

Are you on the right train? Can you check.

Yeah, I'll check, I'll check, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, one second, one second.

Hey, Hi. Hi, sorry, this train goes to Hangzhou, right?

Hangzhou? Hongjiu. Hongjiu. Hongjiu.

Hongjiu. Hongjiu.

Yes! Thank you.

Yeah, man, too easy, I'm bossin' it.

OK, so when are you going to get here then?

Tomorrow. Why tomorrow?

I think it's a sleeper. You sure it's a sleeper?

Er, because there are beds with people sleeping?

Look, look, I've got this.

Please, can you just check? I just...

Yeah, it's all good.

Actually, it's better than good.

I've been given wine!

Wine? Why have you been given wine?

I don't know, because I'm a legend!

I will call you when I get in, yeah?

Please, be careful, I know what you're like. Cool.

Hey!

Hi. Oh, hi, what are you doing here?

I thought you were headed to Hangzhou? Yeah, I am.

I was just going to say, though,

I think you guys are on the wrong train.

Er... No, don't think so, fella. Let me see your ticket.

Well, I asked the waiter guy and he told me

we were going Hangzhou, so...

Yeah, this is for Yi Chang.

Yi Chang? Where the fuck is Yi Chang?

A couple of stops after Wuhan.

That's where we're going. How did you not spot it?

It's on there, look.

Oh... I thought Yi Chang meant ticket.

How can...? Is there a town called ticket?

Ticket's actually piao, but zhang is the measure word.

Yi zhang piao...

one ticket. God, Eugene, will you shut up?

I asked the guy several times if we were going to Hongjiu.

They gave you red wine because that's how you say red wine.

Hongjiu.

Fuck you, China!

Sorry. I mean,

we will be driving near there after this tea-picking bullshit,

so we can always drop you off in Hangzhou after that, if you want?

OK, yes, yes, please! Thank you.

What, just drop him off?

It's another 200 miles. So? You said you liked driving.

I do! I do like it!

Then you should be pleased! You could always fall asleep,

it's the only peace I get.

Oh, grow up, will ya?

How does burning fake money honour your ancestors? I don't know.

I guess, it doesn't, obviously. But that's how they do it here.

Well, the irony is that your family does in fact have money to burn.

Don't go saying shit like that to my uncle.

My mom says he can be a bit touchy. Relax!

Chinese people love me, remember.

Oh, here we are, Dildo.

Yes, please, Louise. That is lovely.

Oh, Shanghers, you do your bit.

Ooh, look!

Looks like a bottle opener.

I am selfie-ing the shit out of that, my friend.

Yeah, bang that up on the old wall.

Daisy will know what it means, of course. And she'll hate it.

You'll get it when you find out what the product is I'm buying.

Is it a bottle opener?

Well, my product is to the bottle opener,

what the alarm clock is to the bloody sundial.

Dylan.

Oi!

Sorry, I'm just...

reading these poems that I wrote for Lauren

and some of them are really moving.

Right, are they? Yeah.

What are you doing?! Helping you out, mate. Come on.

How?! Come on. Off we pop.

What's going through your head, man? What do you mean?!

Get rid. Going to get me suit measured!

You're going to be great.

Hi!

Shushu, ni hao. Wo shi May.

Hi. Ni hao. I'm Ashley, May's friend.

Really great to meet you.

I have liwu.

Ah, liwu. Yeah!

Hi... Ni hao. Wo shi May.

Oh, my God!

My mum told me about this.

My great-grandfather made this table himself.

Wow. This is amazing.

Aw, that kid is so cute. Hi!

Didi, ni hao.

It may be a bit tucked away, Dylan, but what this guy

doesn't know about cloth just isn't worth knowing at all.

I'm a philosophy student though, Greg, I'll never need a suit.

Yes, you will, though. For the wedding.

How are you going to pick up any of the hot totty if you pitch up

dressed in a short-sleeved shirt, like some kind of Australian?

But we're not going to the wedding, are we?

May made it extremely clear that she doesn't want you there.

No, she didn't, Dylan,

she made it extremely clear she doesn't want me hitting on anyone.

It's very different.

And that's probably cos she fancies me anyway. Come on, Greg!

Huh? "Come on, Greg."

If you are serious about getting over your ex,

you need to do the right thing. You need to shop.

When Daisy finished with me, I bought, genuinely, four jackets.

Now, do you want to move on or not?

Dylan?

Right, go on then. Go on then.

We're going to look like brothers, mate.

'And then I sat there

'just listening to what he was saying.

'It struck me, and I don't know why, but that I was being lied to.

'You know when you can just tell. There's that feeling you get

'on the back of your neck, hairs stand up...'

What is this talking thing? Oh, it's True Crime podcast. Oh.

Pretty much the only thing

keeping our relationship together right now. Don't say that!

Joking! I was joking, Eugene.

Jesus!

'.. and I felt like that...' So, what's the story then?

What, with our relationship? No, no, no. God no. The podcast.

This is episode 11 of 14. We're not going to summarise the whole thing.

All right, Eugene, don't be a dick. I'm not being a dick...

I'm being... the opposite of a dick.

What, a cunt?

'So, OK, then I decided what I would do is go back to the park myself

'and I discovered something quite interesting.'

So, Sean, do you have a girlfriend?

Oh, no. No.

Or a boyfriend. What? No.

No. Well, there is a girl I kind of like an Hangzhou.

Her name's Ashley.

Ah, oh! Tell me about her.

Um, well, she's... She's beautiful.

She's funny. Hmm. She's American.

Basically, out of my league.

I doubt that.

Right. Well, well...

maybe find out when we get there.

When do you think that'll be, by the way?

Cos Ashley really wants me to go to this wedding, you see.

Yeah, as I said, it's several hours, it's an enormous detour.

You can't get away from us that easily, Sean.

No, I'm not trying to...

You are such a... Yeah, don't worry, princess.

I am grand. Like the sound of your negativity. You're so selfish.

Wow, thank you! Those look great.

So, Uncle, do not need to head to the cemetery?

All in good time, May. We've got booze to abuse first.

Piaoliang.

What was that? She's saying you're beautiful.

Oh, cool, thanks! Xiexie. Xiexie.

Oh, Uncle, these are zhaopian of you and my mom before she left.

Oh, he speaks English? Oh, my God!

And how old are you, Didi?

I am nine years old. Yes, nailed it!

No, you are five. What's your favourite subject in school?

I think that's to advanced, he can't even say how old he is.

I like algebra.

No way! I've freakin' love algebra!

Yes!

Are you sure that he's five?

I know they get them learning math like, in the womb here, but still...

Yeah, I think we're in the wrong place.

What, like the wrong uncle or, like, the wrong everything?

The wrong everything, I think.

I was going to say, I definitely have seen this table at IKEA.

Don't keep eating!

Bottle opener and music...

together at last.

It's a winner.

Yeah. Yeah? Um...

Is that Maroon 5 She Will Be Loved? No, that's Auld Lang Syne.

Clearly.

Nessun Dorma, maybe. No, I just said, that's Auld Lang Syne.

Trust me, you're too young, mate.

Not really. I've heard it loads. Well, yes.

I've heard it more, haven't I?

I've heard it twice as much as you, that's Auld Lang Syne.

Honestly, I swear, come Christmas time,

these will be flying off the shelves of London.

I think you're hearing what you want to hear.

Yeah, I am hearing what I want to hear,

I want to hear Auld Lang Syne, and fortunately that's playing it.

Hello, Miss Gong.

Lovely.

Let me at it.

The usually gobbledygook, of course.

I'll take them.

Look, Greg... Dylan, just sign it.

As much as I really want help you stick to your ex, I just...

.. I think she might be right,

and these bottle openers are dog shit. Eeh.

I don't need that from you, Dylan. These are good.

These are a sure-fire bet. People will always need bottle openers!

Yeah, but they don't need them to play music, no-one needs that.

Yes, by that rationale, we don't need iPods.

I want them!

I like them!

I'm getting them! End of.

Please... witness my signature.

Lovely. Ooh, it's a big one.

Thank you, Miss Gong. You're welcome. Sean.

Sean, hi. Yeah.

God, I knew it.

OK, so where did you end up, then?

Wuhan?!

Well, where the fuck is Wuhan?!

Dyl, Dyl, calm down.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Yeah, I met some people to drive me to Hangzhou.

Yeah, they're...

.. fine.

They're fine, yes.

Look, I've got this, Dyl.

All right.

So...

we should get a move on, the wedding is this afternoon.

I'm going as fast as I can.

No, not that one.

Do you think we look alike? Me and you?

No, me and Kendra.

Oh. You can be honest. Oh, uh...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Why?

Someone said something, and it freaked her out, about us.

We've been married three weeks now.

Congratulations. It was a mistake. OK.

I think we did it to avoid breaking up.

Do you like her?

Kendra.

Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah, I like you both.

I think you're both great people...

What? No.

I haven't got anywhere. I was just about to!

Stop rushing me!

Can you believe my uncle moved 15 years ago?

I mean, I knew they weren't exactly close,

but my mum, she didn't even speak to him when arranging for me to come,

it was all done through his PA.

So it isn't your fault that you didn't know they'd moved, it's hers.

Sean went to Wuhan. Excuse me?

See, this is why you shouldn't have told him to go on his own,

you don't know him, you don't know what he's like,

this is what he does.

Can you not do your whole furious Gordon Ramsay thing right now?

My family's getting here any second.

OK, fuck, that's them.

I'm sorry about earlier.

My mum, she didn't tell me that you guys had moved

and so that's why I was...

Pleased to meet you, cousin.

I'm Ming Ming, this is Molly, and we are the bride and groom.

Hi.

He is unhappy that you missed the ancestor visit.

Yeah, me too.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, but look!

I have presents. Liwu for you.

Congratulations on the wedding. Gong xi.

You know what? I haven't noticed this is unwrapped. What?

Hello. Hi, I'm Ashley. I am May's friend from college.

Hello. Ming Ming. Hi, nice to meet you.

Congratulations. Ashley. Hello, sir.

Oh, no, no need for that.

You can just ignore those two, they're not supposed to be here.

She asked if you can be a bridesmaid.

Oh! Oh, there you go!

Yes, of course!

So, not you, the American.

Oh. She says you are very beautiful.

I... I don't know.

Yeah, sure, of course she can. OK, yes, I'll do it! Yes! Thank you!

Oh, in fact, if I'm going to be your bridesmaid,

maybe you can find some space for our friends here?

Oh, yes! We're in!

Wonderful, thank you. Away we go.

Sorry about this.

I think it's just, you know, a big deal for them to have me here.

You're a white American, Ashley, not a white rhino.

No, I know, I just think that they're kind of fascinated by me.

Hi.

Oh, she says you look like a dolly.

Great. Yeah.

Are we here?

Hangzhou is for further than we thought

so we're not going to make it tonight. What? But it's only 6.30.

Yeah, and Eugene doesn't like driving in the rain, so...

Well, I could drive.

No, no, no, you can't drive.

It was a bloody nightmare trying to get Eugene his licence, so...

Right, I'm going for a walk. OK, no problem. What, in this?

Yeah, yeah, it's not that bad.

Kendra, I told Ashley I'd get there tonight.

So you get there tomorrow, it's no big deal.

Tonight will be fun.

Come on, let's check in.

Ni hao, welcome, yeah.

All aboard the expensive express.

Oh, ni hao.

Love is hell. Ni hao, welcome.

Ni hao.

You look nice.

So do you.

OK, so a bit of the situation.

Greg. Huh? Over here, please, Greg.

We need to give them a wedding present. What?

Couldn't we just give them the stuff in the bag, no?

No, it doesn't count. We need to give my uncle cash in one of these.

Well, didn't your mum give you the money for that or...? Yeah, yeah.

But you spent the last week dipping into it for ice creams and stuff,

so I have no idea how much it was.

I mean, this is nothing.

Come on, seeing as you guys muscled your way in here, you can help out.

I wouldn't call it muscle. Quickly, quickly. I've got fuck all.

That's 10. Hmm. Muscled my...

Great. Maybe ask your mum how much it was, I don't know.

I am not waking her up to get screamed at again.

Or you could use a fake money.

No, this is fine.

I'm the one who came all this way to be treated like shit,

they should be giving me a present.

Anyway, they won't know who gave what.

Good luck.

Hi. Hello.

For you. Thank you.

Yes, bruv.

Hello.

Oh, amazing.

Kind of just keep turning it left.

Oh, my, I am such a dumb-dumb.

Thanks for that, sorry to bother you.

Yeah, no worries, any time.

It's just Eugene is still on his walk, so...

Yeah. Mm.

That's fine.

Oba-Mao.

I get it.

What... What are you doing?

Oh, you know, living my life.

Oh. Is this wise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's grand. Relax.

Yeah? Yeah. Really?

Erm...

It doesn't feel it.

Kendra, I'm not sure we should be...

Oh, anyhow...

You're so tense. Relax.

Yeah, go with it.

No! Shh! Shh! Sean, it's OK.

It's OK. It's OK.

We talked about it. Not with me, you haven't!

I'm not into this.

Oh, God, Sean.

Come on!

Eug, for fuck's sake, you're supposed to let me lead it.

How was that not you leading it?

I won't just watch you have sex That's no good for me.

Well, it might have actually helped you remember how it's done.

Oh, that's low. That is very low.

You get that feeling that people are maybe...

That their voice betrays an uncertainty.

Shut up!

What?

What car?

Dyl, Dyl, Listen, she jumped me.

She asked me to fix her shower and she jumped me.

I know, right, really porny.

No, but it got weird. Yeah, it got really weird.

Yeah. Yeah, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. Just...

Just... Just don't tell Ashl... The others. OK?

Do not tell the others.

Yeah. All right.

In 50 metres, take the exit. Oh, shit.

Dyl, Dyl, Dyl, I've got to go.

I got to go, Dyl.

Oh, shit.

Erm...

Hello, I'm Greg. Hi.

I'm from England. Land of Adele.

And, erm...

stainless steel.

Erm... Oh, there it is.

I'm married. Yes, as am I, technically.

Separated, but, yeah.

Very much been there, done that.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, no, I can do that.

Yes, please.

Thank you. Oh.

Auld Lang Syne.

It's Auld Lang Syne.

But this is not Auld Lang Syne.

No. No, that's Auld Lang Syne.

No.

Yes. There or thereabouts.

This is a Communist Party song.

You what, sorry? It's very famous in China.

Thank you, Greg.

Sh-hh. Shut up.

Uncle, hi.

What a great dinner.

Yum.

He is saying this is an insult.

I mean, your mother's a millionaire.

For her to give this is an insult to him.

She left us here with nothing.

She ignores us for years.

And she sends you to see us now.

OK.

She didn't send me.

I wanted to come. I wanted to meet you.

And I didn't know about any of this, so I'm sorry.

What do you want?

What does he want me to freaking do?

It's all there.

Hi, Daisy. It's Greg.

It's me. Greg. Obviously.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm just...

I'm not, I'm just... I'm at a wedding, that's all.

I'm at an absolutely classic wedding and, erm, just thought of you.

I bought the bottle openers.

They play a Chinese Communist song in the end.

This is what happens when you're not here, Daisy.

It all goes tits up.

No, I'm not blaming you, Daisy.

I'm not blaming you.

I'm blaming myself, if anything.

That's all. I'm just saying...

I'm just...

I'm just saying I... I miss you.

And if...

Yeah, OK.

Sorry.

Oh, ah!

Hey.

You getting away from all the craziness, too?

I'm escaping the hordes.

You OK? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just been dominating the dance floor.

Tearing that a new one.

You all right?

Yeah.

No.

This has been a total disaster.

You know... You know everyone hates me.

My relatives.

Basically everyone in China, so...

May, it's all right.

Hey, May, May, May, May.

Come here, come here.

Ah. May.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Nothing can happen between us.

What? I mean, for a start off, I'm old enough to be your, erm...

Well, not father, but doctor, certainly.

Yeah.

You're right.

Les just let's just be friends.

Yes, exactly.

Never say never. No, I think we're right.

We should say never.

I'm off to Vietnam.

Yes.

My Chinese visa runs out, so I'm going to leg it.

If you want to join...

Now, you sing American song.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm... Yeah. Sing. Yes, sing.

Sing. Words, yes.

Sing!

Sing! Sing! Sing!

Sing!

Sing! Sing!

Oh, dance. Yes.

I'm sorry, do what?

Dance.

American dance.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

OK.

We kissed I fell under your spell

A love no-one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie running for my life

I will always want you...

No, sweet Jesus, no.

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky...

Shall we do something? Like what?

Take her out with a sniper?

Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you...

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me...

Get her, brother!

I came in like a wrecking ball...

Ashley, everybody!

Yeah!

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me...

I never meant to start a war War

Sean!

Yeah, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Oh, my God!

Oh! So glad to see you.

Nice dance moves.

You took your sweet time.

Hey, Sean.

Your family are assholes.

Tell me about it.

Forcing people to sing for your amusement is a form of torture.

So's listening to it, love.

You know, I might say something.

No, it's cool. Stay here, I got this.

Uncle. Hi.

So, I'm taking these back.

I decided I don't want you to have them.

Oh, it's OK.

I'll buy them off you.

Really stoked I came 6,000 miles to meet you.

Fake money for a fake family.

Yeah, and this is all tea. Sweet.

Can't believe you actually went here. We've seen shit.

And... Tell them.

Sean had sex earlier, as well.

Bloody hell, Seanos! Yes, player!

No, well... It...

It wasn't sex, officially. It was...

You haven't got any photos of that, have you?

OK, can we now get as drunk as we possibly can?

Always.

I want this wedding to cost my uncle a freaking fortune.

Way to go, May.

OK, who's dancing?

Dildo?

Lead the way, Mamma.

I could be tempted. I'll leave these here.

Erm... Huangjiu.

Huangjiu.

Nope, not dealing with that right now.

God, I love Nam.

I think I can still smell the napalm.

This is the dungeon sweet.

Your complimentary fruit bowl, sir.

Can I join you?

Get back on that fence, or I will literally tell your mommy.

OK.

Ow.

This place is total chaos. The kids ran off!

You're not even supposed to be with the kids!