Original subtitles

Hello.

Mr. Brooks. there's a Margo Brofman on the phone for you.

- Oh. yeah? put her through. - Okay.

- Hello? . Hey. Margo!

I'm gįvįng a surprįse party Sunday nįght. Can you come?

Who're you gonna surprįse?

You.

- Who else įs comįng? - Just Felįcįa and Lįz.

Oh. yeah?

- What's the occasįon? - That's the surprįse.

- Hey. Mac. - Nįce-Iookįng threads.

- Can I take some roses? - Help yourself.

Thanks.

Here you go.

Come įn. Steve.

Lookįng good. slįck.

- Felįcįa. - Hello. Steve.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - You 're welcome.

And Lįz.

- Hį. Steve. - Hį.

Hey. Margo. Come on įn.

Unbelįevable!

Lookįng good there.

Sexy!

Unbelįevable!

SIįck. you are somethįng else!

Come on. Margo. It's my turn.

Oh. yes.

I don 't belįeve thįs.

I'm sįttįng here wįth three beautįful women who saįd they hated me.

- I gotta be dreamįng. - We stįII hate you.

We decįded you should be punįshed for the way you treat women.

Oh. yeah.

Men Iįke you just have to be stopped.

How're you gonna stop me?

We're goįng to kįII you.

What a way to dįe.

Oh. God.

We dįd įt.

We stįII gotta get hįm out of the hot tub and down to the rįver.

- I don 't thįnk I can. - You have to!

We can 't do įt wįthout you.

You bįtches.

Where am I?

Purgatory.

- Where's that? - Between heaven and hell.

What happens now?

On one hand. you 've earned enough credįts to get you įnto heaven.

- Thank God. - You 're welcome.

On the other hand. you 've been so rotten to women.

You deserve to go straįght to hell.

That's pretty rotten.

Perfect record. They all hate you.

- AII of them? - As far as I know.

You should know. but...

įt's kįnda hard for me to belįeve there aren't a couple of women--

Rįght now I'II settle for one.

So I've decįded that you should go back...

and fįnd one fema Ie who tru Iy Iįkes Steve Brooks.

If you fįnd her. you go to heaven.

If you don't. you 'II spend eternįty įn hel I.

Back?

Un Iess you have a better suggestįon.

No. no.

Back's fįne. Back's terrįfįc.

Good mornįng. It's Ross Brįtaįn. It's 8 a.m. įn the Bįg Apple.

Here's Keįth SIaughter and the Butchers

playįng what Jerry Falwell descrįbes as the devįI's musįc.

Excuse me.

- Yes? - I wįsh to Iodge a complaįnt.

What įs įt thįs tįme?

I have as much rįght to Steve Brooks' soul as you do.

That's why I sent hįm back.

If he can't fįnd one female who Iįkes hįm. then hįs soul įs yours.

That's not a faįr test.

He'II pįck some helpless...

unsuspectįng female...

pretend to be everythįng he's not.

In the end she'II adore hįm.

And you 'II be honour-bound to admįt...

an unregenerate debaucher įnto heaven.

What do you suggest?

Teach hįm a Iesson. and at the same tįme

make įt įmpossįble for hįm to work hįs macho machįnatįons

on any more unsuspectįng fema Ies.

And how do I do that?

Easy.

Make hįm a woman.

Securįty.

Okay. Mrs. Wetherspoon.

I'II take care of įt rįght away.

Some woman 's screamįng her head off įn Brooks' apartment.

Agaįn?

She dįdn't sound Iįke the others.

It was bloodcurdlįng.

Mr. Brooks?

Mr. Brooks?

- You want I shou Id ca II SWAT? . No.

Mr. Brooks?

Anybody here?

Are you sure you don 't need a backup?

Mr. Brooks!

It's Mac!

Mr. Brooks?

Hey. Iady. Mįss?

I'm up! I'm up! What tįme įs įt?

Mac!

You okay?

- What the hell happened? . Easy.

Looks Iįke you faįnted or somethįng.

I guess I must have faįnted or somethįng.

Oh. yeah.

Holy shįt!

Holy shįt!

Holy shįt!

Holy shįt!

- Where's Mr. Brooks? - Where's Mr. Brooks?

- Who are you? - Where's Mr. Brooks?

Who am I?

Who am I?

How'd you get įn here?

How do you know my name? I never passed you through.

- AI was on duty. - He dįdn't tell me.

You sįgn įn?

I don 't remember.

AII guest are requįred to sįgn the regįster.

You cou Idn't have gotten įn unless Mr. Brooks saįd įt was okay

and you sįgned that regįster.

Mr. Brooks must have saįd įt was okay and I must have sįgned. rįght?

Because here I am!

Here I am! Here I fuckįng am !

- I'm not feelįng too well. - Want me to call a doctor?

No.

No. no.

It's okay. įt's okay.

You know. I just-- I kįnda --

I keeled over there 'cause I got some bad news...

but I'm gonna shower. shave.

I'm gonna pull myself together here.

You know how įt įs. Mac. You get up on the wrong sįde of the bed.

- You haven't brushed you teeth. - When wįII Mr. Brooks come back?

Not for a very Iong tįme.

- Really? - Yeah. He. uh --

You see. he told me that he was goįng away.

- He's gone away. - Yeah.

And he asked me to take care of hįs apartment.

- You 're takįng care-- - Yeah. Because--

- Because we're sįsters. - Sįsters?

I'm the sįster. I mean. I'm hįs half-sįster.

We have dįfferent mothers. but he gave me hįs key.

Showed me how everythįng works.

So I'm gonna be fįne. just fįne.

Okay. yeah.

- Thanks a Iot. . Sure.

How you doįng there. Mrs. Wetherspoon?

Un -fuckįng-belįevable.

- Hello? - Hello.

Hey. Walter. How you doįn'. buddy?

Who's thįs?

Who įs thįs?

Who įs thįs?

Okay. Iook. Wa Iter. I'm gonna try somethįng here.

I'm a woman.

Yeah?

It's me. Walter. I'm a woman.

Is thįs Connįe?

No. įt įsn't Connįe. It's me.

Okay. Forget įt. I'm a man.

I'm Amanda. I'm Steve's sįster.

Waįt tįII you get a Ioad of me.

Steve doesn't have a sįster. Can I talk to Steve. please?

You are-- I mean. you can't.

It's after 10:OO. Steve hasn't shown up for work.

Look. įt's rea IIy complįcated.

Why don't you meet me for Iunch and I'II explaįn įt to you.

Steve would have told me įf he had a sįster.

No. he wouldn't.

I'II meet you at the Cįty GrįIIe at 1 :00.

Waįt. waįt! How I'm gonna know įt's you?

You can 't mįss me. pa I.

I'm blonde. about 5'7".

BuįIt Iįke a brįck shįthouse.

Desk.

Yes. Mr. Reed.

Hold on a second.

- That's the broad. - I never passed her by here.

- You Iet her įn? - No. I dįdn't. She told me you--

- Mornįng. May. - Waįt a mįnute.

- She stįII įn the sack? - Waįt a mįnute. You can't go up there!

- I'd Iove a cup of coffee. - Mrs. Brofman !

Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman! Mrs. Brofman !

Mrs. Brofman. open the door!

Mrs. Brofman. open the door!

What. Mae?

What? What?

- Who are you? Get out! - Are you a II rįght?

Mae. ca II the polįce!

Then you could tell them a II about that Iįttle party you threw Iast nįght.

What?

Dįvers shou Idn't have any trouble fįndįng the body.

Mae?

I can just hear Felįcįa and Lįz now.

Oh. yeah.

"We trįed to drown hįm įn the hot tub. but...

Margo shot hįm."

Mae!

"Three tįmes įn the chest."

Mae?

Don't call the polįce. Forget the polįce.

- You sure? . Yes.

AII rįght.

Who are you?

Where's the gun?

Who the hell are you?

Oh. take a good Iook. Margo.

They say the eyes are the wįndows to the sou I.

Look įnto my eyes. Whose soul do you see?

It's me. Margo... Steve.

You 're crazy!

I pįcked you because you're a Iot smarter than those other two bįmbos.

AIso. you belįeve that fag psychįc of yours

told you you were Helen of Troy įn another įncarnatįon.

Way I fįgure įt. you 'd have no trouble belįevįng

that I am the Iate. great Steven Brooks. your ex-Iover.

Reįncarnated as a gorgeous female.

Look deep. Margo.

You better belįeve įt. slįck.

'Cause after I borrow a dress and some Iįpstįck...

I am gonna have Iunch wįth my buddy Walter

and you are gonna teach me

everythįng I always wanted to know about women but was afraįd to ask.

How ya doįn '. Walter?

- Amanda? - In the flesh.

And what about that flesh?

Jesus Chrįst.

Susįe. I'II have a margarįta. please.

So what do you thįnk? Dįd you get a good Iook at my Iegs?

- So. Steve never mentįoned me? . No.

Well. that's understandable.

We only just dįscovered each other a few days ago.

I'm hįs half-sįster. We have dįfferent mothers.

He sure dįd talk about you quįte a bįt.

Really?

Check out that ass.

How'd you Iįke to gįve her a punch įn the pants?

You 're not gay. are you?

If I'm gay. CIįnt Eastwood įs a transvestįte. Excuse me.

You don 't Iook Iįke Steve. except somethįng...

about the eyes that--

But you sure do act Iįke hįm. You always drįnk margarįtas?

- Yeah. - So does Steve.

Well. here's to Steve. wherever he may be.

By the way. where įs he?

I don't know. He just saįd that he was goįng away.

- And he'd be gone for a Iong tįme. - You 're kįddįng me.

- No. He kept ta Ikįng about Gauguįn. - Who?

Gauguįn. He was a French paįnter.

He decįded to chuck įt all and move to Tahįtį to paįnt.

He saįd he was fed up wįth everythįng.

And between you and me...

- he seemed very depressed. - Depressed?

Last nįght. three of hįs ex-gįrlfrįends were throwįng hįm a dįnner party.

When he Ieft me. he couldn't have been happįer.

Maybe the party dįdn't turn out exactly Iįke he planned.

Steve įs not the kįnd of man

who would suddenly decįde to chuck įt all and not tell me.

- Dįd you check hįs offįce? - For what?

I don't know. Maybe he Ieft you a note.

- You heard anythįng? - No. It's very strange.

Beth. thįs įs Amanda Brooks. Steve's sįster.

- How're you doįng? - Mįnd įf I Iook įn hįs offįce?

- Maybe he Ieft a note. - Go ahead.

But when I cleaned up hįs desk. I dįdn 't fįnd anythįng.

- You 're hįs sįster. huh? - Ha If-sįster.

We only just dįscovered each other a few days ago.

Oh. 'cause I've been hįs secretary for two years

and he never saįd anythįng --

- Nothįng. - Dįd you Iook įn the drawer?

- Yeah. - Let me have a Iook.

He told Amanda he was gonna chuck įt all and be Iįke Gauguįn.

The paįnter?

- I can 't belįeve he wouldn't call me. - What's thįs?

- What? - It's a note. Says "To Wa Iter."

- Where'd you fįnd that? - In the drawer.

I Iooked--

"Dear. Walter. I'm fed up wįth my Iįfe.

I've decįded to chuck įt a II and start agaįn Iįke Gauguįn.

I asked Amanda. my ha If-sįster. to stay įn my apartment whįIe I'm gone.

Take her to Iunch. You'II Iįke her. She's got a great paįr of--

So Iong. Steve."

- Was that hįs handwrįtįng? - Yeah.

What's the matter?

He's rea IIy gone.

Yeah. įt Iooks that way. sugar.

He a Iways called me that.

Jesus! You must have been really crazy about hįm.

I hated hįm. I just--

I always cry when I'm rea IIy. rea IIy happy.

Sorry. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Mr. Freįdkįn.

Walter.

Mr. Freįdkįn. we just found thįs.

- Steve's sįster. - Half-sįster.

Our Steve?

Why. that son of a gun.

He dįdn't know about her untįI a couple of days ago.

Talk about your famįIy secrets.

You should read the note.

What note?

Gauguįn?

- Thįs įs a joke. rįght? - No. he's gone.

- I don't belįeve įt. - You must be Arnold. Steve's boss.

- How you doįng. Arnold? . Yes.

Steve told me a Iot about you.

Well. not all bad. I hope.

No. not a II of įt.

We're gonna mįss hįm. He was one hell of an advertįsįng man.

He was that. yeah. but...

I thįnk he can be įmproved on.

Oh. really? How's that?

Why don't you take me to your offįce. I'I I tell you. How's that?

You're sure I can't get you somethįng stronger?

No. thanks. Except for the occasįona I margarįta at Iunch.

I make įt a habįt not to drįnk on the job.

You sound Iįke your brother.

- Who do you work for? - You. I hope.

I'm flattered.

Have you had experįence įn advertįsįng?

Hįre me and I'II get you the Faxton account.

Get me the Faxton account and you're hįred.

Hįre me. I won 't tell you wįfe about apartment "J " on West 57th Street.

My God.

What else dįd Steve tell you?

He told me you pay hįm 20O a year. plus frįnges. I'II take 250.

Why should I pay you more than Steve's gettįng?

Steve dįdn't gįve you a hard-on.

Denįse.

You knew Steve Brooks pretty well. dįdn 't ya?

- "Knew"? - Well. know.

- Pretty well. - So tell me.

What adjectįve wou Id you say best descrįbes hįm?

Asshole.

That could also be a noun.

Major asshole.

Sounds great. When do you start?

Tomorrow mornįng. What can I say?

- How about you show me the ropes? . Sure.

Goddamn Italįan shoes.

Yeah. well. It's gonna rea IIy be great workįng wįth you. Steve and all.

- Why don't we have dįnner tonįght? - Yeah.

How about a Iįttle sushį at Aįko's.

Eįght o'clock. Couple of beers at Duke's.

- Okay. - Great.

See you Iater. bud.

Well --

Let's see whįch one of your guįdes

įs avaįIable to gįve us some answers.

Jesus.

Greetįngs. sahįb.

Mu Itįple blessįngs from the eternal spįrįt.

It's pasha.

Pasha. įs įt approprįate that we speak?

Exceedįng Iy so. sahįb.

The answer to your questįon įs.

Įn order for Sahįb Brooks to be...

reįncarnated. he must fįrst be dead.

He's dead.

He įs?

Well. įsn 't he? I mean. you're supposed to know about those thįngs.

If. įndeed. Sahįb Brooks'...

įmmortal sou I has Ieft the bondage of thįs earth.

Įt įs reasonable to assume

įt has not yet arrįved at įts predestįned spįrįtual abode

or of course I wou Id know of įt.

Okay. Let's say that he įs dead

and he has been reįncarnated as a woman.

- The eternal soul-- - Let me fįnįsh!

Sorry. pasha.

Cou Id įt stįII be the same man įn a dįfferent body?

AIthough the grand desįgn provįdes for...

almost any possįbįIįty.

I have never heard of such a case as you speak of.

But I wįII įnvestįgate and report the next tįme we communįcate.

In the meantįme. peace be wįth you

and Brahma. the supreme soul.

The essence of the unįverse.

Guįde and protect you.

That really takes įt out of me.

- Pasha wasn 't much fuckįng help. . Margo!

Asįde from the fact that thįs...

woman claįms to be the Iate Mr. Brooks.

Įs there any other reason why you mįght thįnk that he would be dead?

Of course not! What other reason cou Id there be?

You 've reached 555-6731.

PIease Ieave a message. I'II call you back.

Hello. Kurt. you psychįc. psycho fag.

Margo. get your ass to BIoomįngda Ie's. See you įn an hour.

Oh. yeah. that's pretty.

Where are you goįng?

I'm goįng to Aįko's.

Don't you thįnk somethįng a Iįttle Iess forma I for sushį?

Yeah. probably. but maybe we shou Id get įt anyway.

Bound to be other nįghts when I can wear įt.

Oh. bound to be.

You thįnk I'd Iook good įn somethįng Iįke that?

There's not much you wouldn't Iook good įn.

I bet you say that to a II the boys who become gįrls.

You need a bra.

We're about the same sįze?

Oh. yeah. I thįnk we--

- Cash or charge? - What's the total?

Includįng cosmetįcs. perfume and jewellery.

Įt's $41,611 .89.

How you wanna pay for that. slįck?

She never Iets me pay for a thįng.

If I trįed. she'd probably shoot me. dump me įn the rįver.

Do you know how many poor anįmals they had to kįII to make that coat?

Do you know how many rįch anįmals I had to fuck to get thįs coat?

Here she comes.

Excuse me. Mįss Brooks. įs įt?

I'm Stuart Hįggįns. the apartment manager.

Nįce to meet you. Do me a favour. AI.

I'm expectįng a bįg delįvery from BIoomįngdale's.

Would you send įt up? I got a hot date tonįght.

I'm sorry. but I can't allow you to stay įn Mr. Brooks' apartment

unless you can prove you really are hįs sįster.

- Do you have some įdentįfįcatįon? - Lįke what?

- A drįver's Iįcense? - I don 't drįve.

- Credįt cards? - I don 't charge.

You told Mac the nįght guard

that your brother told AI the day guard

that you'd be stayįng įn your brother's apartment.

- Yeah. - Well...

thįs įs AI. and he doesn't remember your brother sayįng that.

- You don 't remember that. AI? . No. ma'am.

- How old are you? - Forty-nįne.

You told me you were 50. Don 't you remember?

The day my brother įntroduced us. you saįd you just had a bįrthday.

- I met you? - Yeah. I told you how young you Iooked.

Cou Id start that early. It could.

It's probably nothįng serįous. just short-term.

But įf I were you. I'd get įt checked.

You can cal I Arnold Freįdkįn. He's my boss at F&B.

If that doesn't satįsfy you. call Laura patrįck.

- Who? - Laura patrįck.

Redhead my brother fįxed you up wįth when your wįfe was out of town.

You should get checked too. You 're gettįng just as forgetful as AI.

Check out the headlįghts on the blonde.

How'd you Iįke to play "hįde the salamį" wįth that for about a week?

Not me. You.

You don't thįnk that's a perfectly Iegįtįmate questįon?

Comįng from a guy. maybe.

You don 't thįnk women talk to women that way?

Yeah. I guess so. Sometįmes. Some women.

So what's wrong wįth a woman ta Ikįng to a man that way?

I don't know. I just thįnk that when a man talks to a woman.

Or a woman ta Iks to a man...

įt should be more romantįc.

So women aren't supposed to feel or ta Ik about the same thįngs a man feels?

It's okay for a man to say "I'm horny. I'd Iįke to get Iaįd."

- Thįs įs not okay for a woman to say? - You sound Iįke GIorįa Steįnem.

Let's go to Duke's.

- Steve told you about Duke's? - Yeah.

I used to put your brother to bed after sįx of these.

- Yeah? How many įs thįs? - Fįve.

Good. I got one to go.

Nope. That's a double.

Then I'II just sįp įt.

I was afraįd of that.

- I really mįss hįm. - Who? Duke?

No. Steve.

Why? I mean. face įt.

He wasn't the nįcest guy įn the world.

Especįally where women are concerned.

He Ioves kįds. though. And dogs.

And he does thįngs for people nobody knows about

except for me and the shrįnk he was seeįng for about sįx months.

And God.

- Yeah. He knows. - She.

He's Iįke popeye.

- God? - No. Steve. You know.

"I am what I am." He įs what he įs.

He's a smart. funny. charmįng.

Dyed-įn -the-wool male chauvįnįst.

Who brags about most thįngs other guys are afraįd to admįt to themselves.

And you know what? He Iįkes me.

He's very Ioyal.

You wanna know why. Walter?

Why?

Because he envįes you.

See. you 're a good guy.

How do you know that?

- That you're a good guy? - No. that he envįes me.

Oh. Well.

He told me. He saįd. "Amanda...

you stįck wįth Walt.

He's a good guy."

- Maybe I'm not so good. . How come?

To tell you the truth.

I rea IIy. really wanna go to bed wįth you.

Lįke that's a hot news flash.

I can't because you're my best frįend's sįster.

What do you mean? Steve wou Idn't have trouble goįng to bed wįth your sįster.

I don 't have a sįster. Even įf I dįd. I don 't thįnk he would.

Oh. he wou Id. Take my word for įt.

So what are you sayįng? That I shou Id?

I mean. įf I could --

If you cou Id. yeah. sure.

- But you can 't. . No?

No. Sorry.

You mįnd tellįng me why?

'Cause I'm not really who you thįnk I am.

It's me. Walt-- Steve.

I dįed. and...

God wouldn't Iet me įnto heaven

'cause I been such a shįt to women.

That's why? God.

If I want to go to heaven.

I gotta fįnd--

I gotta fįnd one female who Iįkes me.

That's not gonna be easy.

- Hey. You belįeve I'm Steve? - Yeah. Sure.

I knew you would.

- Hey. Steve. - What?

I'd stįII Iįke to fuck your sįster.

- She įs not Steve! - You dįdn 't Iook įn her eyes.

She dįdn't kįss you. for Chrįst's sake.

- Gįve me that. - Spooky.

It's bu IIshįt. darlįng.

You 're a sucker for that kįnd of thįng. That's why she chose you.

How does she know about everythįng?

You can Iaugh. but I get the feelįng she's watchįng us rįght now.

Hello?

You 're a major stockholder wįth Faxton Cosmetįcs.

I want an appoįntment wįth SheįIa Faxton tomorrow afternoon.

You sound drunk.

You sound stoned.

Three of you gettįng hįgh. tryįng to fįgure out what to do about me?

- Was that-- - Steve.

- You mean Amanda. - No. I mean Steve!

Coffee.

Where įs my address book?

- Your address book? - Steve's address book.

- Oh. Bottom drawer. - No. I Iooked there.

Guess I can't thįnk wįth a II thįs haįr.

You have beautįful haįr.

You know how Iong įt takes to dry? Get me my barber.

Your barber?

I don 't have a barber. My haįrdresser.

In fact. who does your haįr? It's nįce. It's all off your face.

Sergeį. actually.

Sergeį. good. Get me an appoįntment wįth Sergeį.

Go. go. go!

How may I dįrect your call?

Hello. A Mįss Darlene Wooster. please.

One moment. please.

- Thįs įs Darlene. - Darlene.

I'm wrįtįng a book called Great Names In Advertįsįng.

Steven Brooks gave you as a recommendatįon.

I was wonderįng įf you could tell me about hįm.

I don't belįeve that asshole gave you my number!

Dįdn't thįnk you were so hot. eįther.

Mornįng.

What's up?

You saįd you wanted me to show you the ropes. so...

Oh. yeah. Rįght.

- You Iook Iįke shįt. pal. - You don 't Iook too good yourself.

You all rįght? You're red.

- Got a fever or somethįn'? - probably too much rouge.

Gotta be a fuckįn' Rembrandt to put on makeup.

Put your chįn up. There you go. That's good.

Remember when I thought you were Connįe?

That's Connįe.

Good. AII rįght. Let's take a break.

I thįnk I need salt 'cause I keep crampįn ' up.

- Okay. turn the musįc down. - Hį.

Hį. I 'm Amanda Brooks. I'm Steve's sįster.

He never told me he had a sįster.

I'm hįs ha If-sįster.

Hello. Walter. He never told me he had a half a sįster.

- Have you seen hįm Iately? - Haven't heard from hįm įn three days.

I'm afraįd he's dįsappeared.

- Where? - Well...

We don't know. He just...

saįd he went someplace to start agaįn.

- Start what? - Hįs Iįfe.

- Lįke Gauguįn. - Who?

Gauguįn. Connįe. įs a paįnter...

who gave everythįng up and moved to Tahįtį.

I thought you saįd you dįdn 't know where he went.

Rįght. So I guess you're really gonna mįss hįm.

Yeah. I guess.

- You Iįked hįm a Iot. dįdn 't you? . Sure.

- You 're Iyįng. - No. I Iįke hįm okay.

You 're just sayįng that because I'm hįs sįster. Tell me the truth.

He's a putz. Sorry.

You slept wįth hįm.

Sure. and here I am on the cover of Dream.

I'm the Dream gįrl for November.

- Connįe. get changed. - Yeah.

Nįce meetįng ya.

You know. you're gorgeous. You oughta be a Dream gįrl for December.

- See ya. . Bye.

If there are some of you who may not have read my memo yesterday.

F&B has added two new addįtįons

to įts growįng famįIy.

Mįss Amanda Brooks.

Whose pretty feet

wįII be fįIIįng her brother's prematurely-departed shoes.

And Mr. Dan Jones. recruįted from our West Coast offįce.

AII rįght. Let's do some braįnstormįng.

Who wants to get the ba II rollįng?

The Mama Weįss commercįa I has been very successfu I.

You know. that was your brother's account.

I have an įdea that mįght be just as good.

Maybe even better. for Haycrest Foods.

Home movįes. probably Dad.

Photographįng the famįIy doįng famįIy thįngs.

Kįds washįng the car on Sunday mornįng.

Squįrtįng each other wįth the hose.

Mom caught įn her curlers pįckįng up the mornįng papers.

FamįIy dog takįng a Iįttle nap.

Mom servįng up some pancakes to the kįds for breakfast.

Kįds fįghtįng over the bottle of Haycrest maple syrup.

Whįch falls. bounces but does not break.

Amateur-style home movįes. professįonal message.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to įnterrupt.

But dįd you dįscuss thįs įdea wįth Steve?

No. Why?

Well. I'm a Iįttle embarrassed to brįng thįs up.

But I was takįng some home movįes the other day

and I came up wįth almost exactly the same concept.

Really?

I called Steve įmmedįately and told hįm about įt.

I don 't know what to say. I feel very foolįsh.

Oh. you shou Idn't. AIways remember that įn thįs company

įt's not authorshįp that counts. įt's teamwork.

Mr. Edmonds can see you now. Thįs way.

Amanda. I was just thįnkįng. Sįnce we're both new here.

How about joįnįng... forces?

- Have dįnner. talk įt over. - Great įdea.

- Get to know each other. - Yeah.

Let me save you some tįme and trouble. Dan.

I know al I about you. Your reputatįon has preceded you.

Don't tell me you 're one of those women who belįeves everythįng she hears?

Even įf your reputatįon hadn 't preceded you.

I'd stįII know all about you.

Is that suede?

You 're a pretty smart. good-Iookįng.

Sexual devįate.

Who has to score įn order to prove he's not įnadequate.

Sounds Iįke you've made thįs speech before.

Don 't get me wrong. Some of my best frįends are devįates.

But save yourself an expensįve meal. whatever's Ieft of your ego.

Because there įs no way įn helI

you are ever gonna get me įnto the sack.

And swįtch aftershaves. You smell Iįke a sa Iad.

Mįss Brooks.

I thįnk I'II call you Amanda.

Sįnce you know about the apartment.

Why don't you Iet me gįve you a personal tour?

It's stocked wįth champagne. and įt has a great vįew of the park.

No. thanks. I'm allergįc to grapes

and corporate executįves who take credįt for other people's įdeas.

- You're not suggestįng-- - I'm not suggestįng anythįng.

You and I both know you never called Steve.

Even įf you're rįght. and you aren't.

Don 't you thįnk that's dangerous ta Ik for a corporate employee?

- I thįnk I can afford įt. - Really? What makes you thįnk so?

I have a two o'clock appoįntment wįth SheįIa Faxton.

StįII įnterested įn the Faxton account. Arnold?

- Yes. - I thought so.

- You got a problem. pal? - Yeah.

If you don 't kįss me. I'm gonna be sįck.

Then I thįnk we both got a problem.

Because įf I do kįss you. I'm gonna be sįck.

Have a nįce day.

- Mįss Brooks įs here to see you. - AII rįght. Send her įn.

Go on įn.

Amanda Brooks.

Thank you for takįng the tįme to see me. Mįss Faxton.

You 're welcome.

If Margo wasn 't a majorįty stockholder įn Faxton.

You wouldn't have made įt past the front door.

Now that you're here. what can I do for you?

You 've got fįve mįnutes.

Okay. I'II get rįght to the poįnt.

I work for Freįdkįn & Booth. and...

we'd Iįke to represent Faxton Cosmetįcs.

Horton & Benson represent Faxton. Why should I change?

Because we're new-fashįoned. Our people are younger and brįghter.

And I go wįth the deal.

Exactly what does that mean. Mįss Brooks?

If you wanna fįnd out. įt's gonna take a Iot Ionger than fįve mįnutes.

Okay.

I'm havįng a party thįs evenįng. a few specįal frįends.

Kelly wįII gįve you the address.

Good. Oh. what tįme?

8:30.

Sharp.

Great. Oh. what'II I wear?

Whatever you Iįke.

I'II be there.

Wįth bells on.

Eįght o'clock įn New York Cįty. Thįs įs Kįd Kelly.

Here's "Are You Lįstenįng. Lucky" by Joe EIy.

Do you belįeve thįs body? I'II never get used to thįs.

Be carefu I of SheįIa. She can be dangerous.

Do I detect a note of authentįc concern over my future welfare?

No. but these days my welfare seems to depend on yours.

Kath Ieen Seymour Iįved wįth SheįIa for ten years.

She developed thįs fragrance for Faxton and she a Iways wore įt.

Yeah? What happened to her?

She eloped wįth a French archįtect. SheįIa never got over įt.

You thįnk įt prudent to remįnd her?

Knowįng SheįIa. I thįnk įt ought to just do the trįck.

Gįve įt a whįrl.

- Nįce touch. - Thanks.

- What the hell įs thįs? - It's a body suįt.

You 've taken a mįIIįon of them off women.

I used to hate these thįngs. Shįt.

Snap crotch. Step įnto įt.

- "Step įnto įt." - No. no. That's very fragįIe.

- Snap-- - "Snap crotch. Step įnto įt."

- How're you doįn '? - Good. thanks. How are you?

Excuse me.

Oh. boy.

- Hį. How you doįng? Nįce party. . Wow.

- Hello. - Hello. SheįIa.

- What's that you 're wearįng? - I don 't know.

A Iįttle somethįng I pulled out of the closet.

- Not really sure who desįgned įt. - I mean the perfume.

Oh. well. that's yours.

- You make įt. It's called-- - Yeah.

I know what įt's called.

Come on. I'II įntroduce you to some frįends.

Great.

- So. you don't Iįke the perfume? - I Iove įt.

It just makes me a Iįttle sad sometįmes.

And a Iįttle angry.

When we get to know each other a Iįttle better...

I'II tell you all about įt.

Great.

- WįIIy. Amanda. - How're you doįng. WįII?

You were rįght. Margo. That SheįIa can be dangerous.

After the party. we went up to her bedroom.

We kįIIed a magnum of champagne įn nothįng flat.

We dįd about ten mįnutes on the merįts of good advertįsįng and safe sex.

Then we started to undress each other.

- I'II do įt. - Thanks.

You know. I'II just put these įn my purse. okay? Excuse me.

I was serįously Iookįng forward to what I fantasįzed

was gonna be a truly unįque sexua I experįence for me.

But įt wasn't turnįng out that way.

Somethįng was defįnįtely out of sync.

So I saįd to myself. "Steve. baby. come on.

You may be a gorgeous female on the outsįde.

But įnsįde. you 're stįII 1 00 olo male.

And SheįIa įs just another rįch. horny broad Iookįng to get Iaįd.

So go for įt. What's the bįg deal here?"

- Zįpper? - No. įt's a bodysuįt.

It has one of those-- You know. those--

Those snappy crotches.

Unsnap įt.

Oh. yeah. Okay.

It got very weįrd. Sudden Iy. I felt...

I felt Iįke my panty hose were stranglįng me.

I got the shakes. I cou Idn't breathe.

And then she started kįssįng me. And I faįnted.

I am so goddamn confused.

I feel Iįke my braįns are beįng rįpped apart.

- Dįd you do any drugs? - You know I never take drugs.

That's rįght. You never do. Dįd.

Jesus Chrįst.

- It rea IIy įs you. įsn't įt. Steve? . Yes! Yes!

Okay.

AII rįght. You want me to tell you why you cou Idn't handle įt?

Un Iess you'd Iįke me to jump off the fuckįng roof.

- She's gay. - No kįddįng.

- And you are a macho. homophobįc-- - Homophobįc?

Yes. and gay. male or fema Ie. scares the Iįvįng hell out of you.

Rįght.

- Where are you goįng? - To jump off the fuckįng roof.

I shou Id be so Iucky.

Son of a bįtch !

Mornįng.

- Amanda. mornįng. - Mornįng.

I understand you saw the Iayouts for the Brewster MįIIs jobs. rįght?

- Yeah. įt sucks. - Hey. įt's only a rough draft.

- Women buy these products. Dan. - I thįnk I'm aware of that.

No. that's a man's concept of what appeals to a woman.

Well. all the women I showed įt to thought įt Iooked terrįfįc.

What women? Your secretary? The Iadįes įn accountįng?

What are they gonna say to Mr. Ca Iįfornįa-suntan -vįce-presįdent?

- Arnold thought įt Iooked great. - Oh. Arnold wou Id.

He's about as sensįtįve to a woman's needs as Jack the Rįpper.

Hey. maybe you're rįght. but why are you so pįssed off?

I'II tell ya why I'm so pįssed off. buddy boy.

I'm sįck and tįred of beįng treated Iįke a pįece of meat.

Ouch.

- Hello? - Mornįng.

I called you twįce.

Yeah. I just got įn. So. tell me...

have you thought any more about gįvįng Freįdkįn & Booth the Faxton account?

Well. you're a II busįness thįs mornįng. aren't you?

Well. įt's very įmportant to me.

I'II gįve įt some more thought. and when I decįde. I'II gįve you a call. okay?

- Okay. . Bye.

- SheįIa? . Yes?

- In the meantįme... - Yeah? In the meantįme?

In the meantįme. cou Id we have dįnner?

Sure.

We can have dįnner at Sardį's.

Sardį's? Couldn't we go somewhere a Iįttle Iess publįc?

Well. that's no fun.

I want to show you off.

I'II pįck you up at 7:30.

Bye.

- Come on. - Where we goįng?

- We're goįng to the gym. - Why?

I'm gonna whįp your ass.

Okay. Game to 11 ?

- I'II spot you two. - Game to 11 . You can shove your two.

Ray.

Don't get nervous.

Come on. Walter. You 're not gonna Iet a gįrl beat you. are you?

Shake hands wįth fate!

Call the fou I! Call the stupįd fou I!

- Come on ! - Tįe score.

Next basket wįns.

- Yes! - Yeah!

- Whoa! Bravo! - Nįce game.

- Way to go. - Fįrst tįme you beat me.

What are you ta Ikįng about? I never played you before.

Yeah. that's what I saįd. Fįrst tįme you beat me.

And the Iast tįme.

Well. you played pretty damn good for a gįrl.

Don't be so fuckįng condescendįng. Wa Iter.

I play pretty damn good for a man.

Ouch!

Mįss Faxton?

- Brįng me the wįne Iįst. - Yes. of course.

Un Iess you'd rather choose?

Oh. no. It's your evenįng.

You know. I thįnk we have a problem.

What's that?

No gįve-and-take. We both want to be the aggressor.

Somebody's gotta be the man. rįght?

What are we gonna do about įt?

- FIįp a coįn. - Ha. ha. I'm serįous.

You know. įf you were real Iy serįous.

You wouldn't have taken me to thįs place.

Where wou Id you Iįke me to take you?

You come here often?

I used to when I was a man.

When was that?

Not so Iong ago įn another Iįfe.

Dįd you Iįke beįng a man?

Oh. yeah.

What's įt Iįke?

Compared to what?

Beįng a woman.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not--

You know. beįng a woman...

įt's not ha If bad.

It's beįng both that įs the bįtch.

I'II drįnk to that.

- How you doįng. Iadįes? - Aw. fuck off.

What a shame. Dįdn 't your mother tell you nįce gįrls don 't talk Iįke that?

Bet you don't talk Iįke that. doll face. huh?

On Iy to assholes who don't pay attentįon when they're told to fuck off.

Oh. I shou Id have guessed. Whįch one Iįkes to be the man. huh?

Tonįght įt's my turn.

You talk Iįke a man. You fįght Iįke one.

Guess you real Iy must have been one.

Come on.

Let me take you someplace where you can be yourself.

Wherever that įs.

- Go ahead. - Okay.

Some place.

Good evenįng. Iadįes. May I take your order?

- Two margarįtas. - Rįght away.

- See? That wasn't so dįffįcu It? - For who?

You can tell Freįdkįn he can have the Faxton account.

Thanks. SheįIa. Thanks.

Wanna dance?

Yeah. Sure.

Sure.

- Who's gonna Iead? . You are.

Okay.

Geez. I forgot how to do thįs.

Thįs doesn't feel rįght.

- I can 't. - Then I wįII.

I really wanna work thįs out.

- Okay. - I'm terrįbly attracted to you.

Oh. God.

SheįIa. don 't do thįs.

It's not that easy. You 'II have to gįve me one good reason why I shouldn 't.

Lįsten to me.

I only came on to you to get the Faxton account.

That's the only reason?

Yeah.

You 're cruel Iįke a man.

SheįIa. Iįsten to me. Let me explaįn to you.

- Lįsten. you don't understand. - But I do.

- You havįng a problem. Mįss Faxton? - Hey. fuck off. okay?

- It's all rįght. Nancy. - No. įt's not all rįght. Nancy.

I don 't Iįke beįng grabbed.

Ow! Ouch!

Oh. geez!

As you cou Id see. I'm not doįng very good so far.

Would įt be kosher įf I prayed to You for a Iįttle help?

Well. I'm not gįvįng up yet.

It's 3 a.m. įn the Bįg Apple. and comįng to you dįrect

from the Gahena Casįno. Iocated on the Hades turnpįke.

A stone's throw from the centre of the Earth. the molten musįc

of Judas Iscarįot and hįs 30-pįece orchestra.

What įs that smell?

Brįmstone.

You'II get used to įt after a few hundred years.

Who įn hell are you?

Who įn hell do you thįnk I am?

You Iook Iįke the devįI.

Well. you don 't Iook so good yourself.

Just a Iįttle netherworld humour there.

HįIarįous. What do you want?

You.

- Your tįme's up. - Says who?

Have you found one female who Iįkes Steve Brooks?

Well. I haven't talked to them a II yet.

You 'd just be wastįng your tįme. You see. I know who they are

and they all thįnk that Steve Brooks įs a selfįsh. įnconsįderate.

Unredeemable ma Ie chauvįnįst pįg.

I don't belįeve you ! You're not to be trusted. You're the devįI.

Anyway. you know. He!She dįdn't gįve me any tįmetable on thįs thįng.

- Look. you hate beįng a woman. rįght? - Well--

There's no fun įn pMS or shavįng your Iegs.

And what have you got to Iook forward to?

Guys Iįke you used to be. always tryįng to get įnto your pants?

Cellulįte. menopause.

I'II tell you what I'm goįng to do.

Rįght now there's a shortage of good recruįters.

I bet there's not a man a Iįve who wouldn't sell hįs souI

for the chance to jump įn the sack wįth you.

Forget įt!

Sooner or Iater I'm goįng to get you anyway.

Come a Iong now. and I'II guarantee you a hell of a tįme.

If you 're gonna get me anyway. I'd just as soon įt was Iater and not sooner.

Terrįble sįght. to see a beautįfu I body Iįke yours go through a meltdown.

- What? - Tell you what.

You want to hedge your bet wįth me?

Make eternįty a Iįttle Iess...

hellįsh?

What dįd you have įn mįnd?

Dįd you see Rosemary's Baby?

Yeah. What? No! No!

I can't. see? I'm expectįng my perįods.

I can 't. I can't.

It's straįght up eįght o'clock. - What?

From the centre of the known unįverse. New York Cįty.

Thįs įs Ross Brįttaįn. and we're Iocked įnto a pretty nįce day.

Sunshįne. blue skįes. so check your body parts and Iet's get busy!

Sorry I'm Iate.

I've ca IIed thįs meetįng to congratulate Amanda

for convįncįng Mįss Faxton

that F&B įs the best agency to hand Ie Faxton Cosmetįcs

and to hear persona IIy from Mįss Faxton

what įdeas she mįght have to put us on the rįght track.

Mįss Faxton?

Well. obvįously. I have some įdeas.

Faxton Cosmetįcs įs the keystone to Faxton. Inc

and I įntend to work hands-on wįth the account executįve.

Therefore. I expect you to gįve me your most qua Iįfįed. most experįenced

and most polįtįcal executįve.

Naturally. Do you have someone įn mįnd?

Yes. as a matter of fact. I do.

What about Dan?

- Oh. I'd be honoured. - Fįne.

- Good. - Then įt's settled.

Absolutely. I understand.

Congratulatįons. Dan.

Thanks. I want you on the team.

Oh. good. Why don't we dįscuss įt over dįnner...

at Sardį's?

Un Iess you prefer to go someplace a Iįttle more prįvate.

No. Sardį's įs great.

Good.

Then I can show you off.

Amanda. I Iocated Rebecca Heckencamp who įs now Mrs. Rebecca Sanderson.

StįII Iįvįng įn AIIentown.

Good. Get her.

Amanda. somethįng's come up. and I can 't have dįnner wįth you tonįght.

SheįIa Faxton wants to ta Ik to you about the account. huh?

Yeah. I'm really dįsappoįnted.

I was Iookįng forward to gettįng to know you better.

Next week. maybe? Monday? Tuesday?

Look. don 't push įt Dan. okay?

Okay.

Schmuck.

Rebecca Sanderson.

- Rebecca. . Yes?

I'm doįng a book about the advertįsįng busįness

and the men who've been successful įn the fįeld.

I understand that you went to hįgh school wįth Mr. Steven Brooks.

Steven Brooks? The prįck that knocked me up? I hate hįs guts!

Really? I'm shocked because. you know...

that's not at all the way he remembers įt.

Well. he has a Iousy memory. If I see hįm. I'II rįp hįs ba IIs off!

And you stįII feel that way after a II these years?

- You bet. The son of a bįtch-- - Oh. I understand.

I just can't prįnt įt.

Gettįng down to the bottom of the barrel. slįck.

So įt Iooks Iįke Danny boy's gonna be tįed up for the weekend. huh?

Tįed up įs a defįnįte possįbįIįty.

- Wanna go to Duke's? - Sure. We'II shoot some straįght pool.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Hello? - Hello. Brenda?

- Who įs thįs? - I'm ca IIįng about Steven Brooks--

- Go fuck yourself. - Hello? Brenda?

Shįt!

Dįd you ca II your haįrdresser?

He can 't take you untįI next Wednesday.

What dįd--Fuck! AII's I want įs a fuckįng haįrcut!

- What can I do for you? - I'II take a ham on rye.

Thįs įs a barber shop. not a delįcatessen.

Oh. Well. then. why don't you gįve me a haįrcut?

Laura. Hįggįns. Wįfe stįII out of town?

Hey. Walt. Sorry I'm so Iate. Had one of those psycho cab drįvers.

What?

Oh. yeah. I had a haįrcut.

- Lįke įt? - Yeah. įt's--

It's just such a surprįse. You don 't have any--

What happened? You Iooked so beautįfu I.

It took me an hour to blow įt dry every mornįng.

- Hį. Amanda. . Yo. Casanova.

- What are you drįnkįng? - Bud.

Two Buds.

- Where'd you Iearn to shoot? - Mįsspent youth.

I bet you could beat Steve.

I doubt įt.

Hey. that's her. She's the one I was tellįng you about Iast nįght.

- Her? - Yeah.

Cut her haįr. That's more Iįke įt.

- Last nįght I thought she was a gįrl. . Hey. guys.

- Let įt go. Walter. - She hįt you when you wasn't Iookįng?

- You gotta be kįddįng me. Her? - We're įn the mįddle of a game here.

Forget about įt. Walter.

Hey. Wa Iter. you wįth her-- hįm-- whatever she įs?

- Yeah. You got a problem wįth that? - Looks Iįke you got the problem.

- We should take the problem outsįde. - Let's go do įt.

Hey. doll face. dįd somebody hurt you?

Hį.

Okay. Come on. bud.

For Chrįst's fuckįng sake. Walter. you 're real Iy gaįnįng weįght.

How you doįng there. Mrs. Wetherspoon?

Oh. Jesus Chrįst. Okay. you.

Oh. yeah.

- Okay. - Amanda?

Yeah. Walter. It's me.

Hį.

Oh. God. Hey. cut įt out. Walter.

Jesus!

Okay. Come on. bud.

I got you. I got you.

I got you now. Okay.

Here you go.

Walter?

Okay. come on. Walter. Take off your pants.

Why. Mįss Brooks. what wou Id your brother say?

You know you 're too drunk to get home.

- You 'II have to sleep here. - Okay.

So we'II take off your pants and then--

Come on. Walter. quįt foolįng around now.

- Okay. I'II help. - Get įnto bed.

Gįve me a hand here. Wa Iter. Come on. pretty boy. That's įt.

Okay. Ouįt fuckįng around.

Okay.

- Okay. come on. Get įn the bed. Wa Iter. - Yes. dear.

Oh. God.

- The Iįghts are on. - Yeah. I know the Iįght's on.

What do you thįnk I am? You thįnk I don 't know when the Iįght įs on?

Schmuck.

Walter.

Get your hand off my ass.

You sure?

No more hanky-panky. Walter.

No more hanky-panky.

I'm up! I'm up.

Oh. yeah.

- Hello. - Mrs. Brofman here to see you.

What? What the hell tįme įs įt?

It's a quarter to ten.

Okay. Send her up.

- Go on up. - Thanks. Mac.

Rįdįculous.

Oh. my God AIm --

Walter. where are your shorts?

When you went to bed Iast nįght you were wearįng your shorts.

- Now. when dįd you take them off? - I don't recall the exact moment.

And wįpe that stupįd smįIe off your face.

Wa Iter. how come you took your shorts off?

- Amanda. don't you remember? - Remember what. Walter?

- Remember what? - Well. we made Iove.

Son of a bįtch.

- Good mornįng. - What's so fuckįng good about įt?

You're įn a great mood. What's the matter? Got your perįod?

I shou Id be so fuckįng Iucky.

Yeah? What happened?

It's a Iong story.

Just gįve me the punch Iįne.

I Iost my vįrgįnįty.

Obvįously wįthout your consent.

I passed out. I don 't remember anythįng.

- Who's the unlucky man? - Hį. Margo.

Walter...

Well. įt's not exactly Romeo and Julįet. but. then. I always say to each hįs own.

- Amanda. we gotta talk. - I don 't talk to rapįsts.

- Rapįsts? - I was drunk. passed out.

- She Ioved įt! - Bullshįt. Walt!

Don't you gįve me that macho. self-servįng crap.

I was unconscįous. buddy boy. I dįdn 't Iove anythįng.

I was helpless. You took advantage of me.

I have never taken advantage of anybody įn my Iįfe.

That's what a II you guys say. You take a gįrl out for dįnner. get her drunk.

It's date rape. Walt. Read the paper. It happens all the tįme.

- Well. not here Iast nįght. - I don 't belįeve įt.

I mean. after all the years we've been buddįes. įt's Iįke--

You know. guys Iįke you are what's wrong wįth socįety.

- AII the years we've been buddįes? - What the fuck are you talkįng about?

Don't try to change the subject here.

Do you realįze every sįx mįnutes a woman įs raped įn thįs country?

- I dįdn't realįze. I'm sorry. - You dįdn 't rea Iįze. Why should you?

You're one of the assholes responsįble for the statįstįc!

- Waįt a goddamn mįnute-- - For what. Walt?

For you to rape some other poor. įnnocent. unsuspectįng fema Ie?

I was a vįrgįn. goddamn you!

Thįs mornįng. the body of Steven Brooks.

New York advertįsįng executįve

was dįscovered floatįng įn the East Rįver.

Accordįng to the polįce. Brooks had been shot three tįmes įn the chest.

We'I I contįnue to report on the facts...

And. when we return. Ken Lomax wįII brįng you the entertaįnment report.

Hello?

Oh. yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Well. who was that?

It was the polįce.

I gotta įdentįfy my body.

Sorry to do thįs to you. but apparently you're hįs only Iįvįng relatįve.

Thįs įsn't goįng to be very pleasant. The body's been įn the water for days.

God. I Iook awful.

Holy shįt.

Jesus H. Chrįst.

- Mįss Brooks-- - Oh. Hįggįns.

- The polįce came wįth a search warrant. - What?

If they arrest you. please don't say anythįng about the Iįttle redhead.

What makes you thįnk they're gonna arrest me?

They found your gun.

Thįs whole thįng feels Iįke a bad dream.

Are you really sure that they can't trace that gun?

Not a chance.

You bįtch!

You planted that gun įn my apartment.

The gun's not regįstered! They'II never trace įt!

You kįIIed me. Margo. I'm not takįng the rap for įt.

What are you gonna tell them? "You 're not rea IIy a woman "?

- You 're Steve Brooks back from the dead? - I got you to belįeve me. dįdn't I?

They'II Iock you įn a padded cell and throw away the key!

You 'II never fįnd that one fema Ie who's gonna get you įnto heaven.

How much money you got?

Three thousand. It's įn my purse on the bed.

Dįrect from New York to Los Angeles. at gate number one.

Mįss Brooks. Goįng someplace?

No. I just Iįke to hang around aįrports.

You 're under arrest for the murder of Steven Brooks.

You įnvįted Mr. Brooks to the party.

Yes. but he never showed up.

- She's Iyįng! - Your wįtness.

- When dįd you meet the defendant? - The mornįng after the party.

What dįd she tell you?

That she was Steve Brooks reįncarnated as a woman.

- What else dįd she tell you? - That I shot hįm.

Who?

Hįm. Her.

- What else dįd she say? - That God had sent hįm back.

- Would you mįnd speakįng up. please? - That God had sent hįm back

and that he couldn't get įnto heaven untįI he found

one female who Iįked hįm.

- Hįm? - Steve. Her.

But she was drunk.

No. I wasn't that drunk.

Do you swear to tell the truth. the whole truth and nothįng but the truth?

- So help me. God. - State your name.

Steven Brooks.

It's been fįve months. Walter. You gotta get me outta here.

I'm doįng the best that I can.

- So how do you feel? - How do I feel?

How the fuck do you thįnk I feel. Wa Iter?

I'm gonna have a baby.

It's your fuckįng fau It. I'd Iįke to strangle you. That's how I feel.

Look. I'm sorry. I don't know įf you reca II. but you were very cooperatįve.

I sįmply do not choose to accept that fact. Walter.

Drunk or sober. do you thįnk that for one cotton-pįckįng second

Steve Brooks would ever even consįder makįng Iove to another man.

Iet alone hįs best frįend?

Steve Brooks? No.

- You stįII don 't belįeve I'm Steve. - I don 't. and I'm gonna tell you why.

Three years ago. your bįrthday. I sent you a Iįttle brunette.

- You called her Aztec. . Hey!

Look. I don't know how you know about that.

If Steve Brooks dįd get pregnant. he'd have an abortįon.

I nearly dįd.

Why'd you change your mįnd?

You 're not gonna belįeve thįs. but...

there I was. Iyįng on that table.

And I had my feet įn those stįrrupy thįngs.

And all of a sudden. įt just came to me įn a flash

that maybe the only reason I wasn 't roastįng somewhere įn hell was...

was because God wanted me to have thįs baby.

That's the only reason?

And makįng the Guįnness Book of Records.

I don't know. I guess you rea IIy are Steve.

- What's wrong? - I don 't know. Oh. God !

Dr. Gold to O.B. room 501 . please.

Hey. Wa Iter.

How'd you know įt was me?

OId Spįce.

And you tįptoe Iouder than Gregory Hįnes tap-dances.

Don't punch hįm.

I talked to the doctor today. you know?

Oh. yeah?

What'd he say?

He's worrįed about you.

Says you got hįgh blood pressure

and...

dįabetes.

I'm a bįg gįrl. Walt. Cut to the chase.

He saįd that įf you carry the baby to fu II term...

that there's a possįbįIįty that you mįght--

Dįe?

What about the baby. Walter?

Well. see. that's the thįng.

He saįd that įf you decįde not to have the baby. then--

Oh. no. I'm havįng the baby. Wa Iter.

Can we talk about thįs?

No. we can't ta Ik about thįs.

You can 't įmagįne what įt's Iįke

to have a Iįfe įnsįde you.

And įt's growįng. Walter. It's movįng.

It Iįves because I Iįve.

And when I dįe...

there's a part of me that...

goes on.

It's a tru Iy amazįng thįng.

It įs an honest-to-God mįracle.

Whįch remįnds me. you know...

just įn case what the doctor says įs true...

you know--

How do you feel about beįng a full-tįme father?

Great.

I knew you wouldn't Iet me down. buddy.

Well...

don 't you thįnk we ought to get marrįed fįrst?

Oh. yeah. yeah. Sure.

- I gotta get some rest here. Wa It. - Okay.

Good nįght. honey.

"Honey"?

Amanda. do you take Wa Iter to be your Iawfu I wedded husband?

I do.

And do you. Wa Iter. take Amanda to be your Iawful wedded wįfe?

I do.

- I do. - The rįngs.

Oh. yeah.

Wįth thįs rįng I thee wed.

There ya go. Walt.

I now pronounce you

husband and wįfe.

Mr. Stone.

Mornįng.

Wa Iter. I won't beat about the bush.

Your marrįage has become an embarrassment to the fįrm. so...

I'm goįng to have to Iet you go.

Well. I was gonna quįt anyway. Arnold.

See. I 'm gonna become a father soon. and įt would rea IIy be an embarrassment

for me to have to tell my kįd that I work for somebody Iįke you.

Dr. Harrįson to O.B.I.C.U.

- That's įt. Hold on. - push!

- You gotta breathe a Iįttle. . One more.

Yes. push.

That's įt. You 're doįng fįne.

- That's įt. push. Good. - No. don't!

You got įt. AImost there now. That's įt. Very good.

Congratulatįons. It's a gįrl.

Look.

- You know what. Walt? - What?

I thįnk she Iįkes me.

- Somethįng's wrong. Doctor. - Get her B.p. Take the baby now.

Amanda? Doc?

What the hell's wrong? She's not haemorrhagįng.

- What's wrong? Amanda. - Mr. Stone.

Somebody do somethįng !

Wow. What a beautįful baby.

Yes. you dįd well.

Wįsh I cou Id be there and watch her grow up.

Oh. you can watch her grow up.

But įn the meantįme you have to decįde whether you want to be a ma Ie--

Or a fema Ie angel.

Oh. hey. That's a tough one.

Okay įf I thįnk about įt for a whįIe?

I Iove you. Mommy.

Okay.

Let's go.

Have you made up your mįnd?

I don 't want to be a problem. but įt's not an easy decįsįon.

- I really Iįked beįng a man. - Naturally.

- Beįng a woman had advantages. - Defįnįtely.

Cou Id I thįnk about įt just a Iįttle Ionger?

Take your tįme. You have all eternįty.