Original subtitles

Run! Get as far away from the fallout as possible.

What the hell was that? What the fuck is going on?

Did you see that?

I can't breathe out here.

Come on, we got to keep moving. Let's go. Let's go. Move!

It's Chenobyl all over again.

Come on!

Santa! Move your fat ass!

-Move it! - WoWhat is that?

Keep going. Move, don't stop. Move, go, go.

Get out of my fucking way!

There is no escaping!

Whoa!

Holy shit, look!

Oh my god! Oh my god! Did you see that?

What the hell was that man? What the hell?

Holy shit, look at all that radiation.

Santa: Give me your fucking hand!

We gotta get out of here. We got to keep moving...

My arm!

Hold it! Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

You sons of the bitches!

Misfire! Misfire!

Move it! Keep moving!

Come on! Come on, move.

Militant: Take him out, boy! Come on!

- Move! - Help me. Please!

We got to go! We got to go! Now!

Jesus Christ!

Got to get out of here! Come on!

Shit!

WoSeriously, stop firing!

No! No! No! No! Don't... stop!

Go... go... go!

You look hungry. How about a sandwich?

Hazard!

Two... Battle...

Nine iron!

-I got a little test for ya! -Give it up!

You want me under that mistletoe you better hurry up.

Go away, come on!

Hey Frosty!

Come on, I'm sporting wood!

News reporter: In the summer of 2013,

a deadly virus had been accidently released

from a scientific research center

and killed thousands of people.

The authorities denied the existence of such virus,

in order to avoid a massive panic situation.

But a few days later, the virus mutated

and the corpses started to rise up.

A single physical contact from an infected

will turn you into one of them.

The virus took over in the West Coast

and spread towards the east and nothing seems to stop it.

KPRS News Live at ten PM. Highest definition.

Tonight's top stories with Marvin Gloat,

only on KPRS News.

Stay dead!

Hey, Marvin. What the... Oh, shit!

We're live, Marvin.

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt

our normally scheduled broadcast

to bring you a special report.

I am...

Oh, sweet mother, have mercy.

-I've been bit, Bob. - Shit.

Bob, I've been bit.

-Keep the camera rolling, Bob. -Speeding, boss.

Keep it rolling.

I've been reporting the nightly news

for the last 20 years.

And I'm not about to let these

zombie sons of bitches stop me.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Marvin Gloatt Live.

And I am Marvin Gloatt.

The news you need, from the people you trust.

I said, stay...

It was sadness that I report to you tonight

that this zombie epidemic has not been contained.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the human race has had its day.

Now, we are living in Zombieworld.

As researchers desperately scour their expansive heads

trying to find clues as to what may have caused

the zombie apocalypse...

...some are turning to the past.

We take you now, to the place where the first clash

between the living and the dead occurred,

more than 2000 years ago.

(speaking in Spanish)

(continues speaking in Spanish)

(both speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(zombie cowboy speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(zombie cowboy laughs)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

Yes, indeed.

Zombies didn't stand a chance against him.

May he be with us now in our darkest hour.

-Right, Bob? - Amen to that, brother.

Yes, Bob. Are you afraid?

Fucking freaking out man!

Good Bob, good.

Keep rolling, Bob. At all cost, keep rolling.

Mother fucking zombies.

Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned to KPRS

for minute by minute reports and updates

on how to survive in Zombieworld.

And now, a public safety announcement.

Have people around you began to change?

Do they seem strange? Produce strange sounds?

Oh, and want to eat your brain?

Welcome to Zombieworld.

How to survive a zombie apocalypse.

This can save your life.

The most important thing is not to panic.

You are gonna have to kill some zombies.

So, let's get to it.

Thoroughly study the situation.

Then, arm yourself.

The zombies are pretty slow and unintelligent beings.

But for some strange reason, in many cases,

they catch their victims.

So be extremely careful.

How to identify zombies, you ask?

Usually, they are stumbling around

holding a piece of limb.

They are missing parts of their head,

have sunken eyes, and produce a sound like this...

You can kill them by destroying their brain

or blowing a hole in their head.

If you use a gun, it is better to wait

until they get a little closer, to make sure that

you will hit the target.

But don't get too close.

Shoot them in the head!

And, as always, watch your surroundings,

because zombies travel in packs.

If you notice that zombies emerge

from several directions

the safest thing to do is to find a safe place

to assess the situation.

After assessing their number,

quickly and thoroughly eliminate the threat.

And one more thing:

this requires serious music.

If the city is overrun with zombies,

there's a good chance that the government

will order the sterilization of that city.

See what I mean?

Good evening, I'm Marvin Gloatt and this is KPRS.

The only station you will ever need.

The only station you've got.

We are reporting on day nine of the zombie apocalypse.

And we won't stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving reports

that the freeways are jammed

with people trying to leave town.

This is a bad, I repeat, a bad idea.

As I've already exclusively reported

in my exclusive reports, this appears to be a

global epidemic, and not contained

only to a few cities in the United States of America.

Please, remain indoors until the situation is contained.

Please keep doors and windows bolted

until instructed otherwise.

-KPRS will continue... - Oh, my God, no!

-Marvin, he got in. Marvin! -Damn it!

I want to stay here. He is here, I got him. No, no!

No, oh again! Oh no, Marvin!

Marvin, I got him! I'm done with him!

I'm done with him! See! See!

Marvin... Marvin, are you okay?

I got it.

Marvin! Oh my God, Marvin!

Keep rolling, Bob!

-Rolling. -Don't leave me, Bob.

I'm with you until the end, brother.

I've got an axe, Bob.

I've got a very big axe!

You got them, Marvin!

We take you now to Ireland,

where zombie attacks are being reported

on that Emerald Isle.

Steve?

I'm back from shopping.

You won't believe the trouble.

Oh.

Craig from down the road... he's dead.

So, I guess that's it. We're the last two alive.

They left the door open.

Jesus, Steve, what happened?

Well, obviously...

Oh Christ, believe me, I don't want to be alone.

I'm alone aren't I?

There are no zombies in the flat.

Oh great!

I'm all alone.

I'm all alone.

It's like last summer when you all went to Majorca,

and I couldn't afford to so I had to stay home.

I had all these things planned.

Things I wanted to tell you.

I was going to start with all the...

all the bad stuff, just get it out of the way,

get it off my chest.

There was a time...

...atUniversity, just before we met...

Do you remember when we met?

Standing in the dinner queue,

we were the only two English people there.

And then we ended up going to that meet and greet,

only to find it was a bunch of God squaders. Huh!

Me, you and a bunch of Christians.

Hey, I'd love to see the look on their faces now, eh,

what with all the zombies.

I know they are always going on

about the apocalypse,

but that's when God let all the good ones into the heaven

and sent the bad ones down to hell.

Maybe the whole world is bad.

If you take the Ten Commandments

as like the literal Word of God then, yeah...

...the whole world is bad.

Maybe the bible bashers were right, I mean,

you have broken a few.

So have I.

It was on a Sunday, so that's one down.

I probably said, "Jesus Christ", while I was doing it.

I don't remember worshipping a false god,

but I can't say I definitely didn't.

What classes as a false god these days, anyway?

I mean I worship "the pussy".

You know what I mean, but...

Oh, yes. Yes, "the pussy".

But yes, it is not like it is a false god or anything,

it is just like... well, "the pussy".

So, its not a false god,

it is just like an alternative one.

That will be the undead again.

Hey, they'll not get in, don't you worry.

Oh shit, I have left the door open. One sec.

Idiot!

Hey, this reminds me of that time,

remember that party,

when I put dog shit on the door handle?

Ooh, that was funny.

Not for the people with shitty hands.

Or dysentery.

But man, I laughed.

I remember, everyone thinking I was really rude,

for not shaking their hands, but I knew best.

Ho ho, man, did I know.

Anyway, that's when I told Dave about your...

...your thing. what was it? That secret?

I remember it being really important to you,

but I don't know why.

Maybe that's why I told him.

i know you never liked Dave.

But I was wasted,

and I was on a high from the dog shit gag, so...

I guess...

...the band is not going to take off now.

As soon as the zombies came,

I knew... I knew it wouldn't...

Well, as long as you were there, I thought...

I thought I'd have an audience at least.

I know you thought I was talentless, little kid,

but you listened.

You even didn't mind when I played

on your first date with Katie. She is dead.

I used to fancy her.

I spied on you two having sex once.

Oh... she had awesome tits.

I wish, I had filmed that now.

It would have given me something to watch

during the apocalypse.

I never had anyone.

Tried to find a girl, but I always scared them off

because I was too keen.

All I wanted was... was someone to like me,

to notice me.

Who will laugh at my stupid jokes now?

I guess I've been a bit of a shit friend.

Maybe I should've apologized early

when you could understand.

Where is my rounder's bat?

It better not be your room again, you...

Oh, it's there.

I can't do this alone. I want my friend back.

I need someone to tell me to grow up

and stop being a dick.

Someone to show me how all this works.

Yeah...

I know I annoyed you sometimes, mate

and sometimes you annoyed me.

You were always going on about how good your job is

and how much better in life you do than me, but...

...I didn't mind... I didn't mind, mate because...

What's this?

What's this? A note?

"Chris"... For me?

"Dear Chris, this is my suicide note.

I'd rather become one of the undead

than spend the rest of my life with you

and your stupid guitar. I hate you.

And hope the zombie me eats you.

Steve."

It looks like you're not only the one

who does best in life after all, you dick!

This just in.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are receiving a live feed

from a Quickstop on Broadway and Carter.

That location is only three blocks

from the station. I repeat,

this is a live feed from a Quickstop

only three blocks from this reporter's location.

Unicorn. Whiskey. Kilo.

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Ma'am, roll down the window.

Wo Please help my husband, please.

-What? -Please! I need an ambulance!

-What happened? -Oh, my God!

Holy shit, okay. Tell me what happened?

-Calm down. -They just started biting him.

They who? Who bit him?

How many people?

-Please. -Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

Bravo 232, I need immediate medical attention

at my location. I got a mid-thirties,

severe lacerations,

and a large amount of blood loss.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

-WoNo! No! -Ma'am, okay. Okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

-Calm down! -No!

Ma'am, relax. Relax. Breath. Breath.

The medicals on route, you got to calm down.

-Please. -Just calm down.

-Please. -Ma'am, calm down.

Everything is going to be okay. All right? What the fuck!

-Stop! - No!

-Stop! Stop! -Oh, my God!

Oh shit. Fuck.

Ma'am?

We've got shots fired. Shots fired, 232.

I need medical now. Ma'am stay with me.

Stay with me. Stay...

Police officer over radio: All units respond to... 185,

Sinclair station, code three.

Ma'am? Calm down, stay with me. Stay with me.

Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me.

Medical, I need you now.

Stay with me, ma'am. Stay with me.

I need medical attention now, step it up!

Ma'am, stay with me.

Everything is going to be okay.

Medical, I need you now.

Shots fired... shots... Oh my God!

Shots fired, shots fired. Medical!

I need medical now!

Officer down. Officer down!

Officer down. Officer...

Police officer over radio: Bravo 2-3-2, respond.

Bravo 2-3-2, do you copy?

Marvin Gloatt, KPRS News.

Reporting to you on day seven of the zombie apocalypse.

Ladies and gentlemen, we continue to receive reports

from around the globe of the undead indiscriminately

attacking and devouring the living.

Mothers eating their children.

Husbands gorging on their wives.

Even domesticated animals have gotten in on the act.

We are receiving reports of undead cows

going on rampages attacking and devouring the living.

Oh, the irony!

Scientists report finding cow patties containing

undigested human remains.

Teeth, digits... even wedding bands.

The world has indeed gone topsy-turvy.

We take you now to Australia...

...where that continent has been overrun...

...by flesh eating scum.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we go on...

...may I take a moment to honor the brave KPRS men and women,

who have given their lives in the service of reporting

this great global tragedy.

Steve, the weatherman.

How is it looking, Steve?

Cindy, the sports gal.

Just ask Cindy what the score is.

Riva, the mail lady.

She always delivered.

Foreign correspondent, Ramudajab Punjawalesifu.

And the intern.

You know, that guy.

And now, a public safety announcement from our

KPRS affiliate in Washington DC.

So, you have killed a few zombies.

But you ran out of Ammo.

And now there is a new breed of zombies.

And they are so fast. Don't panic.

Here we have some guy who is not a zombie.

And that guy... that's a zombie.

You see, zombies are like cars.

The more they fill up, the more they go.

Take this beady-eyed little creep.

Look at him go.

But like many speeding cars, this can also end up...

...with a crash.

Have to survive at the zombie apocalypse.

Sequel.

A new breed of zombies is born.

Faster, stronger, and smarter.

For their kind, anyway.

From where you stand, they just look like

your average drunken beady-eyed bugger.

You better watch your back.

See what I mean?

Take advantage of zombie's animal like instincts

to surprise them.

Stab them in their head with a... bicycle seat?

Hm, didn't see that one coming.

Oh, there it is, our super zombie.

Yeah, still looks a little wobbly on his feet.

But trust me, he is bad news.

Who would've thought of a bicycle seat?

Oh, and if someone is bitten,

kill him!

You don't want one more zombie chasing you later.

In Zombieworld,

you don't have much time to take a break.

But when you do, remember to enjoy the little things.

And when you got to go, you got to go.

But back to our super zombie.

Now he is after you.

Put your thing away man. Put it away.

Too late. He is too fast. Too hungry.

Too super.

Thank God, you have a partner who has got your back.

Who... forgot his weapons.

Oh, he came back.

He throws away his cigarette and smacks the super zombie.

Bat. Kick!

Bike seat!

Whack. Good one. Spear.

Bike seat throw. Kick!

Nice.

Before you leave, make sure he is dead.

Fun is a rare commodity in Zombieworld.

But feel free to have a victory dance

after killing so many zombies, and... What?

Our heroes spot something.

It is a hand.

Is it a zombie hand?

No, indeed. We know those legs.

That's not a zombie. It is our sexy chick from

"How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse, Part One".

Oh my, what is happening here?

No!

Don't panic. Use your head... and smash theirs.

Homerun!

If your friend is bitten...

...he will try to hide it from you.

But it's kind of obvious.

Even he knows, you know.

But he is your friend, right?

Your amigo, your compadre, your buddy.

Just smile. Tell him it will be all right.

Distract him, and...

Hello, I'm... Marvin Gloatt

KPRS news reporting.

We continue to receive reports...

...of widespread zombie attacks throughout the United States

and across the world.

This reporter could certainly use a cocktail.

We take you now to Canada,

where citizens have been instructed to remain indoors...

...and to use caution should they come into contact

with the undead.

Fuck!

I'm sorry.

- Holy shit! - Where have you been?

Where the fuck have you been?

- You okay, man? - Yeah, yeah fine.

- Where is Meg? - Fuck no, man, she is...

...she went back to the car.

We got to get fuck out of here.

Go, go, we got to go now. Go!

- Go, go, go, go. - Come on, man.

Shit!

Fuck!

Oh, God.

Let's go.

Ready? Three, two, one, go!

Get going!

Meg... Meg, are you okay?

Meg, just stay with me, okay? Just stay with me.

- All right. - David?

Oh, fuck.

Start the car! Start the car!

Doesn't matter, just go, just go!

-Get this thing started! It won't start.

-Make it happen! -It won't fucking start!

-Go! Go! -Oh, fuck!

-It won't start. -Just start it, just go!

-It won't fucking start. -Start the fucking car!

- Go, yes! - Oh, my God.

Go!

Okay.

Let's Just find a place, somewhere in the woods,

stop, there's no zombies anywhere.

Meg, just hang on, okay? Meg, just hold on.

What the fuck?

Keep going. Keep going, don't stop! Keep going!

Go! We can't stop here, man. We can't stop here!

What the fuck is going on with the car?

I don't know what's happening!

-The car is fucking stalling. -Look! Look! Look!

Go!

Fuck man, fuck!

Don't worry about her, she will be fine. Fix it!

Come on, do it!

Oh shit, man! She is turning. She is turning.

She's gone... she is fucking gone.

Here, man.

Take the one on your right.

No.

Take that, you dead fuck!

Dave! Dave!

Check this out guys.

I think we need to lay low for a bit.

Yeah, I think it's clear.

All right, this room's clear.

Oh my God.

So...

What's the last thing you want to do?

Last thing wanna do... like, ever?

Yeah sure.

Hell, I don't know...

...hit a home run at an MLB game.

What about you?

Have sex...

...with your mom, one last time.

Yeah, me too.

You're sick. You're sick

Oh... oh no!

I've got over here.

Come on, you fuckers!

Yeah! You like that? Take that.

Guys! Guys, a little help over here?

- David! David! - John!

Fuck no, John!

-Where did he go? -Shit! Shit!

In here, here. Shit, shit.

-Dude, there's no way out. -The window.

The window, we're going out the window.

-We can't go out there. -Come on. Follow me, David.

Out the window!

Chuck?

-Oh shit. -Come on, let's go! Come on!

Oh God!

Okay, there's only one way out.

Three, two, one...

Oh no!

-Fuck! -Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Just go. Just go!

What did you do? Oh fuck, why?

Shit!

Oh no. No. No!

No! No!

Ahh!

Marvin Gloatt here is broadcasting on KPRS.

Bringing you the latest on the zombie apocalypse.

Right in the knockers.

Jo, you want to come see this? These graphics are nuts.

Take that you fucker.

Jo!

Fuck! Oh yeah!

What the fuck?

Oh! Oh no!

No!

Oh! Zombies!

Marvin, are you okay?

Marvin, are you okay? You look like shit!

Marvin?

Marvin, are you okay?

Yeah, Bob.

Keep rolling.

The show must go on.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Ladie...

Ladie...

Son-of-a-bitchin' zombies!

Just roll the footage, Bob!

Roll it. Show must go on.

UNITED STATES WEST VIRGINIA

BLAM! BLAM!

PUTNAM

DARK CRYPT OF HORROR

ASHLEY SAPPLETON, CHAPMANVILLE WEST VIRGINIA 29

-Hello? -Oh, good day miss.

I have a certified letter for Mrs. Sappleton.

Postman is here for you, aunty!

Where are your manners, young lady?

Get the man something to drink

and I'll be right there.

Please, do come in.

Perhaps it's best if I just stay out here.

Don't be silly.

Our old postman used to always come in for a soda.

Aren't you thirsty?

Well, it sure is awful hot out.

I'm not that thirsty.

Expecting guests?

Guests?

That would be a blessing.

Every day for the last year,

she's been making me set these out.

She just can't accept that they are gone.

So, you are not expecting guests?

A year ago

on a day... just like this one...

Her husband and his younger brother were...

working at the mine.

Just like they did every day.

They were deep underground,

working the lead on a new tunnel...

when something went wrong.

One of the men, his hands wet with sweat

dropped his pick axe.

When it landed, the steel from the blade

hit the tiniest piece of flint,

hidden under a rock.

The spark from the flint hit a bit of hay...

thrown down to absorb oil from a broken lantern.

It quickly caught ablaze and burned...

in a straight line towards a nearby box of dynamite.

It took weeks to dig them out.

And when their twisted

and lifeless bodies were finally found,

they were so badly mangled

that my uncle could only be recognized

by his wedding ring.

Sometimes, when I see the drinks

sitting there, I forget...

I expect to see them walking up,

hear them laugh,

have them tease me about my duck feet.

Oh, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.

I needed to freshen up a bit

before my husband comes home.

He and his brother work the early shift at the mine.

Are you to be our new postman, Mister...?

Nuddle. Frank Nuddle, yes ma'am.

If I could just get your signature right here.

Oh I see...

this is addressed to my husband.

His name is Ashley. Often causes confusion.

If you could just wait a bit, he will be home shortly.

Yes...

yes, indeed.

You know, I think it would be okay

if you sign for him being as you're married and all.

If I could get your signature right here,

I will be on my way.

I still have a few more houses to visit.

Oh, here he is now.

Hi sweetheart.

Who was that odd fellow?

That was our new postman.

I don't know what got into him.

One minute, he was asking me for a signature

and the next he ran screaming from the house.

I... I suppose it was the dog.

He said he has had a horror of them ever

since the Battle of the Bulge

trapped in the middle of the night

in the Ardennes, 10 feet up the tree.

Surrounded by the pack of vicious beasts...

sure that any moment, their barking would

bring the Nazis and that moment would be his last.

Enough to make anyone lose their nerve.

If you woke up to find

your peaceful neighborhood looks like this.

Congratulations,

you are living in Zombieworld.

How to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Origins

A zombie pandemic spreads fast.

To save yourself, we suggest you

follow a few safety tips.

Let's go back to the very beginning.

Whoa! Not that far!

So, yes, watch our special reports.

We interrupt this program to give you a report.

Listen to your radio.

...reports of mass-murder from all over the state.

Check the internet or simply

look out your window.

Run as fast as you can to some less populated area.

But keep in mind that while the zombies

are trying to take your life,

the living will take everything else.

That car was stolen by this girl.

Who became this zombie

who was killed by that guy, who actually is...

...this guy! That's Karma for you.

Yep, still exists in the zombie apocalypse.

When you are left all alone, paranoia kicks in.

Questions like: Who started all of this?

Was it the government, aliens...

We like to believe in that old saying.

When there's no more room in hell...

-The dead... - Will walk the Earth.

After killing a lot of zombies

and losing some friends along the way

you might feel down, a bit lonely...

But don't give up.

Happiness might be just...

...around the corner.

Yes, there is a chance at romance...

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE LOVE

...in the zombie apocalypse.

This requires serious music.

Heck, no one cares what you were before.

What matters is what you've become.

Some turn into zombies, others into heroes.

Nobody cares if you were an accountant.

Or a first-rate shooter.

What matters is to be the last man standing.

To stand for the whole human race.

So, we all can survive another day.

In Zombieworld.

(speaking in Spanish)

(continues speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

(speaking in Spanish)

Hey, have a good time.

(speaking in Spanish)

No! No!

(speaking in Spanish)

Marvin, you okay? Marvin, Marvin!

No! No! No!

I'm Marvin Gloatt, KPRS news...

reporting from Zombieworld.

Looks like you're not going to be the one

who does best in life after all.