Original subtitles

00:00:38,839 Okay. How do we start?

DEAN: A-a picture would be good.

Right.

But we should use one where we're smiling.

Nice.

"Two male brothers..."

Male? That's implied through the word "brothers."

I know, I just think that we should be ultra-clear on this.

About ourselves. What's there to tell?

Well, Mom died when we were young.

Raised by Dad.

Moved to Arctic at 10.

Summers in Antarctica.

Education?

Homeschooled.

PhDs.

Describe ourselves.

Upbeat. Positive.

Super-- Um, what's the word?

Duper? That's it!

"Describe your ideal mate."

Okay, what's the most we could hope for?

Oh, I got this one.

Awesome.

This is gonna be great. Heh-heh.

(THE FLAMING LIPS' "THE YEAH YEAH YEAH SONG" PLAYING)

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah...

* A-a-a-ah...

* Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could Blow up the world *

* With the flick of a switch

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could Make everybody poor *

* Just so you could be rich

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could Watch everybody work *

* While you just Lay on your back *

* Would you do it?

* Mm-hm

* Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah *

* If you could Take all the love *

* Without giving any back

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* And so we cannot Know ourselves *

* Or what we'd really do

* With all your power

* With all your power

* With all your power

* What would you do?

* If you could Make your own money *

* And then give it To everybody *

* Would you do it?

* No no no no No no no *

* If you knew all the answers *

* And could give it To the masses *

* Would you do it?

* No no no no no no

* Are you crazy?

* It's a very dangerous thing *

* To do exactly what you want *

* Because you cannot Know yourself *

* Or what you'd really do

* With all your power

* What would you do?

64.89.

Can I just write a check?

You're already taken care of.

"Taken care of"? By who?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* A-a-a-ah

I watched you at work in here,

and I must say that I am more than impressed.

John.

Thank you very much, but I--

I really can't accept this.

Can't accept what? Your own groceries?

Heh. These are yours. I don't own them.

The only thing I own is the opportunity

to come in contact with such an obviously well-rounded

and fun person.

Should we go to your car?

Uh, no. Thank you.

I don't mean to be rude, but I just bought your groceries.

Look, if you don't leave me alone,

I'm gonna call security and they're gonna kick you out.

If afraid you're fighting an uphill battle.

See, I'm a taxpayer, and I can stand wherever I want.

Taxpayers can stand wherever they want.

Security! Security!

You can't block the door.

I don't care how much tax you pay.

* A-a-a-ah

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah *

* A-a-a-ah

(WHISPERING) Okay, you can do this.

Don't think about past defeats.

Got to impress her parents, gotta make a good impression.

Hi, Dean.

Oh.

I'm so relieved, you look just like your picture. Ha-ha.

Thank you. It's nice to meet you.

(SIGHS) Oh...

that's so sweet.

I want you to meet my dad. Come on.

It's nice to meet you, sir.

(**)

(EXHALES)

Well, I followed your advice to the letter,

and everything seemed to be going great.

But then when I went in for the kiss,

he got very standoffish, very cold.

I'm sorry.

Do you think I did something wrong?

By expressing the greatest respect

you can show a woman's father?

That can never be wrong.

Yeah.

So did you go to the store?

Yup. Spent like 200 bucks.

Get any numbers?

No.

But I did manage to get thrown in store jail.

What?

Yeah. Apparently, in the store's eyes,

I was annoying the customers.

Did they know you're current on your taxes?

Oh, they knew.

And they still locked you up?

(SCOFFS)

Well, I guess I don't understand the dating scene.

I know.

It really is a mystery to me.

But you know what?

We've got nothing to be sorry about.

I did the best job I could at being me today,

and so did you.

I love learning from you.

And I love teaching you.

MACHINE: First message, sent today at 1743.

I switched it to military time.

Heh. That's great.

MAN: This is Dr. Mettler

from the Arctic Ice Data Bank.

Just calling again about those core-sample reports.

I'm on it.

About 10 degrees.

(EXHALES)

MACHINE: Second message, sent today at 1143.

MAN: Hey, this is Jim from Movie Time Video.

I'm just calling to remind you that you still owe us $23

in late charges for Ulee's Gold.

Great, now the video store is pissed.

MACHINE: Third message, sent today at 2043.

"2043." I love it.

Yeah, it's like space time.

MAN: Dean, John, this is your father.

I'm down at Ajax Community Hospital.

I was feeling sick so I came in for a few tests,

and I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Devastating news, actually.

I just want you boys to know how much I love you

and how proud I am of you both.

Please come as soon as you possibly can.

Oh, my God.

(**)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(ENGINE REVS)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKING)

(DOOR CHIMES)

Excuse me, ma'am, we just found out our father's dealing

with medical issues, possibly dying,

so we really need to dispute this late charge quickly.

Do you mind if--? Go ahead.

Great. Heh-heh.

Have a movie time.

Hi, uh, we got a call about some late charges for Ulee's Gold,

but we paid the charges already.

What's your last name? We don't have time!

Our fa-- Solomon. Solomon!

Says you're all paid up. So don't worry about it.

Great! Thank you. Thanks.

In fact...

it says you have credit for one more movie.

If you like movies.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Hey.

You can't park that here.

JOHN: Dad.

DEAN: Oh, Dad.

He seemed to be doing fine,

and then, like 10 minutes ago, he lapsed into the coma.

Well, not even 10 minutes.

More like seven.

Or even six.

We got here as soon as we could.

It's not good.

His coma?

No, his coma's fine. It's a strong coma.

That's not surprising.

Dad does everything all the way.

DEAN: He's amazing.

He can take even the most negative thing

and turn it into a positive.

He's definitely looking at this situation right now

as being half alive.

Yes, he seemed very upbeat

for a man slipping into a coma.

He told me how very proud he was of both of you,

of his work for the government,

of the story of meeting your mother,

and of her tragic death.

He told you all that?

He spoke very fast.

Remarkable man, with very few regrets.

"Few regrets"?

Try no regrets.

No, he said something about how he wished

he could live to see his first grandchild,

or I forget how he said it.

You know, if you'd been here, like, five,

even four minutes earlier--

We're very aware of the time line.

Hi, Dad.

Lookin' good.

Lookin' real good.

It's too bad there aren't, like, coma pageants.

Right, John?

John?

Sorry.

I was thinking about what Dr. Wong here said.

John, Dad would've wanted us to dispute that late charge.

No, not about the late charge. About the grandchild thing.

(MOUTHS) Oh.

Look, uh, it's not an exact science,

but sometimes people hang on

if they have some milestone to look forward to.

Milestone?

Yes. Like an anniversary, or a birthday, or a--

Or a baby being made for you?

DR. WONG: Uh...

Well, maybe.

Wait.

How are we supposed to make a baby?

I mean, we don't have the best of luck with women, John.

Dean, I know that.

But before, we were trying to enter women for ourselves.

This time,

we'd be entering women for Dad.

(JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

Hands in.

"Make a baby for Dad" on three.

One, two, three.

BOTH: Make a baby for Dad!

* Growing up

* You don't see The writing on the wall *

* Passing by

* Moving straight ahead You knew it all *

(PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

You have got a nice face.

Thank you.

Sure makes up for that body.

What?

No. No, no, no.

I'm saying that your face,

it makes up for your body.

Thank you.

Hey, you've got something right... Right--

No. You know what? Uh, n--

Oh.

Chicken.

I gotta be honest, Erica.

I'm really feeling a connection here.

I mean, you're beautiful, impeccable dresser,

great personality, nice hair,

fat, great smile, smell good.

Have you ever heard of the phrase:

"More cushion for the pushin'"?

Yeah, why?

Because you got it, lady.

Here, lift up your napkin for a sec.

Yep, you've got it. There it is.

There it is. (GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Are you ovulating right now?

This is our first date,

and that's none of your business.

I'm about to make it my business.

(CLEARS THROAT, TAPS GLASS)

Can I--? Heh.

Michelle.

Make me the happiest man in the world

and marry me.

(CROWD OOHS AND AAHS)

Are you joking?

I know. Isn't it great?

No.

(CROWD GASPS, GROANS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

What do you say we get outta here,

and I go put a baby in you?

Well, I don't--

No strings attached.

Oh.

You have no idea how long I've been wanting

to have a baby like this.

I mean, this is like a dream come true.

For me too.

A no-strings-attached situation

in which, uh, I can carry a baby to term,

have it, oh, and then give it to two wonderful people.

It's great. Awesome! You know what?

I'm gonna deliver this baby to you on a silver platter.

One hundred percent-- (HORN HONKS)

So she got hit by a bus, huh?

Poor girl.

Yeah, the bus took a pretty serious hit too.

I mean, she was a large girl.

Comfortably in the 200s.

Oh, my God. Sounds horrible.

Yeah.

So how was your date?

Well,

wasn't exactly an A-plus.

More like an A.

But don't worry.

I'm not giving up just yet.

Still a lot more fight left in this old bulldog.

God, this thing is gonna be harder than we thought.

Come on, Dean. Don't think like that.

I mean, yeah, we're gonna have to make some sacrifices.

But think about all the sacrifices that Dad made for us.

Remember that Christmas Mom died?

Dad told us we could have anything we wanted.

Where does Santa live?

He lives at the North Pole.

I wanna live at the North Pole.

Me too.

And what did Dad do?

DEAN: He took us to the North Pole and raised us there.

JOHN: And when we were teenagers and needed a date for prom?

Dad went out searching for the most beautiful women within 100 miles.

He almost died.

But the women he found!

Beautiful.

Oh, Qiqirn.

The times we had.

John, I am completely back on board.

I can't believe I ever thought of giving up.

Oh, Dean, don't be so hard on yourself.

You just said "hard on." I know.

Oh, Dr. Wong called and he said that we should start looking

for long-term-care facilities for Dad.

I guess the hospital kicks him out after a certain point.

Really? Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

'Cause while you were telling me that,

I found the perfect place.

Really? Where?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

(DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS)

Hi. Delivery for John Solomon.

He's not here right now.

Oh.

Sign here.

Okay.

Thank you. Ahem.

Bring it on in.

All right, uh, this thing here is a dialysis machine.

That's for the, um-- The, uh-- The kidneys.

These are defibrillator paddles.

If the EKG shows a flatline, just rub 'em together,

put 'em on the chest and:

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Heart should get going again.

There's more to know about that.

Take a class or something.

That's, uh, coagulants and anti-coagulants.

This is a blue thing.

Uh, the ventilator, oxy tank and, um...

(SNIFFS)

A couple intubation trays.

Have your nurse hook those up.

You have a nurse, right? Yeah. Okay.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hold the elevator, please!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(**)

Visiting someone on seven?

No.

Check it out, huh?

Stroll it. Heh.

No, I live there.

You do not.

You absolutely do not. Where on seven?

704. What?

I am 703.

You ever like to go out for drinks?

Unwind after a long day?

No. Nor do I.

(DOOR OPENS)

JOHN: Dad's here!

Yeah, thanks for telling me.

(MACHINES BEEPING NOISILY)

I wanted you to be surprised.

Well, I was surprised.

By how you once again made the best possible decision.

This is great.

Yeah, I thought he'd be so much better off here than at some medical shithole.

So much better off.

And because of a factory recall,

I got a great price on these machines.

I mean, yeah, there might be some flaws in some of these,

only time's gonna tell that, but flaws equal savings.

Everywhere you look, a positive.

Plus, I got a ton of medical books

highly recommended by Dr. Wang.

Oh, you mean, Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wang. It's this dentist I met at Barnes & Noble.

Really knows his shit.

Oh. Oh, my God.

I have some really exciting news to tell you about.

What? What?

Okay, okay. I just met the most--

Is there any way to turn Dad's machines down?

Well, I tried earlier, but there doesn't seem to be any volume switch on 'em.

You know, at least that I can find.

All right, it's just very distracting.

Yeah.

Anyway, I just met the most gorgeous woman

I've ever seen and guess where she lives.

704.

704. Oh, my God.

Oh, you gotta see her. She is amazing.

Tall, super-skinny, infectious speaker. She--

(EKG FLATLINES)

Oh, crap. You get the circuit breaker,

I'll revive Dad. JOHN: Okay!

Here I go.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

Clear!

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)

Did you get him?

Oh, I got him. He's back.

Nice job.

God, I guess we were using too much power.

Maybe we should turn off some of these lights.

(**)

All right. Yeah. That'll be good.

Do you think it's safe to turn the TV back on?

Oh, I think it's safe.

Yeah, see, with all these lights off,

I think you're totally fine.

Oh, shit balls!

(**)

WOMAN: I'll be right there.

(ELEVATOR DINGS) Okey-dokey.

(KNOCKS)

Hi.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ken, hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

John.

Of the elevator and 703 fame.

Just wanted to invite you to a lit--

Sorry, if you can just--

Invite you to a little romantic hallway dinner.

We already have dinner plans.

Well, you know what? I do this all the time, so I'll get you next time.

We should go.

I'm starving.

(CHUCKLES)

You guys look really nice.

Oh.

Who wants bubbly?

(CORK POPS) Oh.

Hey, enjoy your dinner, sport.

Already am. Heh.

You guys want some?

(JOHN FARTS)

Oh.

Excuse me.

(LAUGHS)

Champagne does it to me.

I think we maybe need to broaden our search

to include less conventional methods of having a baby.

Like anal?

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of adoption.

Oh.

But isn't adoption kind of cheating?

Look, we just gotta step it up,

and that means exploring every possibility, okay?

Yeah.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

You do realize that adoption is a huge commitment.

Yeah. We're ready.

So are you married or just a long-term couple?

(BOTH LAUGH)

We're not gay. We're brothers.

So which of you will have custody?

Oh, we're gonna tag-team. Mm-hm.

I'm afraid that's not an option.

Unless you're married, one of you needs to have full legal custody.

Uh, well, in that case,

I guess, uh, it'll have to be Dean.

Burn.

Can we have a moment, please?

Thanks a lot. You're welcome.

No, I was being facetious.

I do not want this responsibility.

You would be much better at this than me.

What?! I'm gonna be a horrible father.

No you're not. Much worse than you.

Well, I mean, what if we get this kid and it just sucks?

We return it.

You can do that? Of course.

DEAN: Why don't you just do it?

JOHN: I have bad credit.

Uh, two questions for you.

One: what is your return policy?

Two: will bad credit fuck our chances to adopt?

There's no return policy.

Ah.

And, yes, your financial situation is of paramount importance.

Do you have any pictures of the kids?

Something that we can--?

Oh, Dean, how 'bout that little guy?

DEAN: No frigging way. Under no circumstances.

He's got Bell's palsy or something.

Yeah.

That's my son.

I'm sorry.

Bell's palsy is the clinical term, though, right?

He's clowning for the camera.

God's special little clown.

Get out.

(**)

Ta-da!

Wow, you look like the real deal.

Thank you.

Wasn't a compliment.

Why'd you get that thing, anyway?

Oh, I don't know.

I saw it on Craigslist and I thought, "What the hell?"

What's Craigslist? Oh, it's great.

It's this website that's got, like, everything:

jobs, pets, cars, ice-dancing suits.

I mean, you can find anything there.

Anything? Anything.

Anything?

Anything.

DEAN: "Two brothers looking to have baby.

Thank you."

Okay.

It's a little bare bones, but if you like it, I can get behind it.

"Thank you."

Send.

All right, so what do we do now?

Now we just sit here and wait.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This suit does something a little unexpected.

Check this out.

All ri--

(EKG FLATLINING)

(GRUNTING)

(BARKS)

Nice doggy.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, hold the elevator!

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

Oh.

We have gotta stop meeting like this.

People are gonna start to talk.

(SNICKERS)

Got a new generator.

Looks like it's already generating some heat.

I gotta, uh, go get my mail.

Cool, I'll hold the elevates for ya.

Please don't.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

John? (YELLS)

John, is that you?

Get in here! Craigslist came through!

We got a response? Yeah.

Her name is Janine, and she totally wants to do it.

I mean, there's one little catch.

Oh, I knew it. What is it?

Uh, she wants $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

There is a huge demand for babies right now.

It's a seller's market.

Okay, well, I'll give this Janine a call.

But I might try a little negotiation.

(**)

Janine. Hi, it's John and Dean from the Craigslist.

Well, let me just start by saying how happy we are

to have a baby with you and--

Well, we were thinking something in the $20 range.

Won't budge off the 10 thou, huh?

Okay, well, then I am gonna have to counter with $25.

Forty dollars. Fifty.

Deal!

Okay.

Twelve thousand dollars it is.

Great, bye-bye.

Twelve thousand dollars?

Yeah, she really brought her A game.

But you know what? Who cares?

You know what this means, right?

BOTH: We're having a baby!

* I can see a new horizon

* Underneath the blazing sky

DEAN: You got your, uh, defibrillator paddles there.

And heart machine.

This is a blue medical machine.

This is a, you know...

That's a dialysis machine for the kidneys.

Oh, and if you wanna watch TV or something...

(MOTOR RUNNING)

Just throw on the generator and you'll have plenty of power!

Dean, we're gonna be super late. Come on.

(MACHINES BEEPING, GENERATOR RUNNING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(**)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKS)

JOHN: Wait.

You go comedy and drama,

I'm gonna go action and foreign.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(KNOCKS)

Let me just start by saying--

You got the money? Yes.

(SIGHS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

So I guess I'll go first.

Wait, I would like to go first.

Dean, relax. We're both gonna get multiple shots here.

Whoa, whoa. W-what do you mean by "multiple shots"?

Well, egg fertilization is a quantity game.

So our plan is to literally blanket

your ovarian walls with our sperm.

Uh... We'll each make love to you

until one of our seeds sticks.

Not at the same time. Taking turns. No.

Yes. Yes. John, then me. Guys, wait.

Then Dean, then me. JANINE: Guys.

Then Dean, then me. Then Dean...

Then lunch.

Then me, then Dean, then me a little bit.

I cannot wait to feel myself inside of you.

Guys! Heh.

Th-- The only thing you're gonna feel

yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.

Well, that certainly doesn't make your vagina sound very appealing.

I'm not talking about my vagina.

I'm talking about artificial insemination.

I see.

So a scientist gets to do all the fun stuff

and we get stuck with the friggin' bill.

Well, that sounds fair.

Janine, we are spending a lot of money here.

Shouldn't we get something out of it?

Yeah, y-- You get a baby out of it.

That is a good point.

Okay.

Okay.

So I made an appointment at the sperm bank for tomorrow at 3:00.

Good times. Awesome.

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

MAN: Janine, what the hell is going on in there?

I heard guys. Who's that?

It's my ex-boyfriend, James.

James, I thought we agreed we were taking a break.

And you already seeing other people?

Who the fuck are these guys?

Hi, James, it's me, John.

And I'm his brother, Dean.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

The fuck you doing in there?!

No, James, it's okay.

We're just working out the details of a plan

in which Janine is having our baby.

Yeah, we're all very excited about it.

Oh, yeah. Heh.

I'm getting excited just hearing about it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't the three of us get together sometime?

That way you can get to know me

and I can beat the living shit out of both of you.

JANINE: James, you better cool it or I'm gonna call the cops.

You want me to do that?

Baby, what you talking about? I-I just wanna talk.

Okay, fine.

Wait, can we--? Can we vote on this?

I vote no. I-- "No" here too.

Looks like the "no's" have it.

Seems like a democratic--

James.

(WHIMPERS)

Have you been crying?

No.

JANINE: You poor thing.

Let me get you some tissues. O-okay.

So which one of you two assholes is having a baby with my girl?

I am. I am.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

How did you two meet?

Chat room, motherfucker.

So, uh,

you're a-- A janitor?

Oh, that's right.

I'm a black man, so I must be a janitor.

Motherfucking racist-ass stereotyper.

It's just, you're...

wearing a...

janitor's outfit.

Oh, so a black man can't just go in a thrift shop

and buy a janitor's outfit,

'cause he find it comfortable on his nuts.

No, h-he can.

Especially a black man.

What do you do?

I'm a janitor.

Baby, why you even doing this?

They need a baby and I need the money.

It's that simple.

Okay, so we're gonna go.

Uh, give you guys some privacy and...

We got a big day ahead of us tomorrow at the sperm bank.

Yeah, we're gonna need all our energy for that trip to the--

Don't you fucking say "sperm bank."

--fluid...

depository.

(SOBBING)

James, you know what, I think you should leave too.

James, can we give you a ride somewhere?

Oh, ain't that a bitch?

So 'cause I'm a black man,

automatically I ain't got no goddamn car.

(**)

The more I think about our trip to the, uh...

bank,

the more excited I get.

Dean, I need you to promise me

that you're not gonna... yourself off tonight.

We're gonna need every drop of...

we can muster for tomorrow's trip to the...bank.

Oh, yeah, well, it's essential that we fill Janine's...

to the tippity-top

with all the pearly white s...erm we can conjure up.

If you two don't shut the fuck up,

I'm gonna beat the living...

out your fucking...

My place over there.

DEAN: That's your house? It's beautiful.

JAMES: Surprised?

I guess I should be living in the ghetto.

JOHN: No, I think what Dean's saying is that he's surprised

you live in such a nice house because you're a janitor.

Bingo.

But you wouldn't be as surprised

if I was a white janitor, right?

Not as surprised.

(**)

DEAN: He really scares me.

And when you're done, leave the cups in the room

and an attendant will be by to collect 'em.

We're not expected to fill this whole thing, right?

Just do whatever you can.

Okay, good. I had kind of a big morning.

Dean, I thought we promised that we were gonna

hold off till this afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry, but there was

a Laverne & Shirley marathon on TV

and I, you know, was weak.

Well, I hope, for your sake, that you are multi-orgasmic.

Well, I am. I swear.

I am like the semen equivalent

of the Energizer Bunny.

I can have so many orga-- She gets it.

(SIGHS)

So these are your rooms

and over here is our magazine selection.

I'll leave you two alone to make your decision.

Yeah.

DEAN: Wow.

Okay, so I guess we got sort of a breast theme there

and that has more of a focus on the vagina there.

But there's vaginal stuff in the breast one, right?

Oh, yeah, there's plenty of crossover, I'm sure.

Don't worry, none of these are gonna

give short shrift to the vagina.

Good. So, uh, wait, where were we?

Ah, Jug Junkies.

Right, breasts, vagina, senior vaginal,

teen vaginal, housewife anal...

(LAUGHING) How'd that get there?

DEAN: What are you doing here, little lady?

All right, uh, you go ahead and pick first.

Let's see.

(WHOOSHES)

Oh! Dean going for the Indigenous Weekly.

Gotcha. J.K. I know that you probably want this one.

(LAUGHING) No. I don't--

Indigenous Weekly back in play.

I don't want it.

Let's see... This. Oh...

Okay. All right, well, as tempted as I am to get that...

(BOTH LAUGH)

Not.

I'm gonna take the Jizz Junkies.

Okay. So bombs away.

(CHUCKLES)

Motherfuck!

(**)

MAN: Well, we finished the procedure.

Janine will be out in a minute.

And in about a week we'll know if it worked.

So whose sperm was used?

Well, we went in with your specimen, John.

Oh, really?!

But unfortunately there was no motility in your sperm.

I'm sterile? Basically.

Burn.

So we went with Dean's sperm.

Ha-ha.

Well, we'll see who's laughing

when they spend zero dollars at the condom store.

(LAUGHS)

(**)

Well, I have your results here

and I want you to know that what I am about to tell you

has been double-checked by the lab.

I guess you just never know

how you're gonna react in that situation.

I just got so excited.

I mean, we're gonna be dads!

(LAUGHING) I know.

Wait, why the hell's it so quiet?

Clear!

Wait a s-- I think this thing's still on.

These are on too.

I think they're all still on.

Dad's okay?

Yeah.

What the hell?

(WATER RUNNING)

Oh, hey. I was just using your bathroom.

Oh.

Your friend had to go back to the video store

so he asked me to watch your dad.

Uh, I hope you don't mind,

but I turned down the volume on the machines.

They have volume switches?

Yeah. Inside the back plates.

Oh, crap, is the generator on? The microwave--

Relax. I rerouted the electricity.

Oh.

Oh, I hope you don't mind,

but I helped myself to some of your chili.

Tara, you need to know something.

Our chili...

is your chili.

Thank you.

No, thank you for watching our dad.

No problem.

(MICROWAVE BEEPS)

About that...

Do you guys know anything about vascular pumps

or EKGs or any of this equipment?

Very much. DEAN: Much.

Very, very much. Much. Much, much, much.

Well, I'm training to be a nurse.

Wow, what an arousingly selfless pursuit.

Um, anyway, if you guys need any help, you know,

I need to watch an intensive-care patient for three months.

So if you were right across the hall from me,

it would save me a lot of hassle.

Deal. Great.

And, as payment,

I will take you on a series of nighttime dates.

No, that's okay.

Um, I should go. Oh--

Do you mind if I take this chili and bring back the bowl later?

Just keep the bowl. Thank you.

No. No.

That is our chili bowl

and you will bring it back.

Understand?

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

So, what was with the bowl thing?

Why take away a reason for her to come back to our apartment?

If she falls in love with this place,

it's only a matter of time before she falls in love with this place.

And then...

this place.

John.

Of course she should return the chili bowl.

What do you think? Should we tell Dad the good news?

Yeah.

Dad? You've always given us everything we've ever wanted.

And now it's payback time.

Dad, you're gonna be a grandfather.

(**)

But, Dad...

we need a little something from you.

We need you to stay alive for nine more months.

We know you can do it

because you can do anything that you put your mind to.

Well...

look who's in the hot tub.

Oh...

That's good news for both of us.

I was actually just getting out.

* Almost paradise

* We're knockin' on Heaven's door *

* Almost paradise

* How could we ask for more

* I swear that I can see

* Forever in your eyes

* Paradise

* Paradise

Talk about a wet dream.

You know, you don't have to tell me

each time one of those happens.

This was a different kind of wet.

But every bit as satisfying.

(SNORING)

* Birthday, Birthday, birthday *

* Someone's having a birthday *

* A day of joy and mirth day *

* Because it's Jennifer's birthday *

* Yoo-deedlee-deedlee, doo

Whoo!

Happy birthday, Jennifer.

(APPLAUSE)

DEAN: Whoo!

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Really? Oh. Um...

Happy birthday to Tiffany.

A toast to the baby.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You can't toast our future baby with water.

You guys, I can't have alcohol if I'm pregnant.

Bingo.

That's baby-smart.

Dart it up?

Oh, Janine, I wish you could've seen our dad's face

when we told him about the baby.

It was priceless.

It's really sweet that you guys are so close to your dad.

Yeah. Our dad is the best.

I mean, when Mom died, could've really messed us up.

But he worked hard to raise us

like every other kid in a two-parent family.

You know, homeschooling, puppetry-based sex education,

uh, friendship simulations, the works.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I'm not happy that my mom died.

Just, it's only because of her grisly death

that we turned out the way we did.

(YELLS)

You owe me $5.

No, I don't.

Ah, that is clearly within two inches of your nose.

This is in my nose.

Oh, okay. So I guess your nose isn't within two inches of your nose.

You're absolutely right. Here is $5.

Congratulations on a good win.

Thank you. Mwah.

Well, your dad certainly gave you guys a positive outlook.

Wish some of that would rub off on James.

Aw, don't worry about it. James will be fine. I'm sure--

The cocksucking newspaper machine

ate my motherfucking quarter, man.

What the fuck?

(**)

First trimester.

And that's the nose and mouth,

and there's an eye right there.

JOHN: Beautiful.

Now, should we be concerned at all that we only saw one eye?

No, I'm sure the other eye is fine.

How sure? A hundred percent?

Well, I suppose anything's possible.

So there's at least a small chance

we're dealing with a Cyclops.

Well, a Cyclops is a mythical creature, so no.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God. Check it out, guys.

I'm about to give birth to an ice cream sandwich.

Oh, I just felt it kick.

Are you guys sure you're ready for this?

Being a dad is a big deal. You should be prepared.

Maybe spend some time around kids.

Don't you worry, Janine. We have a plan.

And if we stick to that plan,

by the time you poop that thing out of your baby hole,

we're gonna be so prepared, you won't even recognize us.

We'll be ready.

(**)

DEAN: They're so cute,

I just wanna hug them all to death.

I just wanna squeeze the life out of them.

Yeah, you might wanna control that.

Okay.

WOMAN: Okay, Jenny, one more trip down the slide. Just one.

Hello, young lady. Wanna go get some ice cream?

Yeah. Great, let's go!

What do you think you're doing?

We're getting ice cream. You wanna join?

No, and my daughter doesn't wanna join either.

Actually, she does wanna join.

Yeah, Mommy, I want ice cream.

Are we done here?

Jenny, come with Mommy.

I want ice cream.

Come with Mommy.

Hey, Jenny, if you change your mind, we'll be here in this car.

Nice. Reserve the option for later.

Look at the tits on that one.

Yeah.

He needs to lose a few pounds.

Did you know that childhood obesity is the number one cause--?

Gentlemen.

Oh, hello, officer. One second, please.

It's the number one cause of early-onset diabetes.

You know what? I think I did know that.

What can we do for you, officer?

We've had a few complaints.

Can I ask you what you're doing here today?

We're trying to coax that little girl into our car,

but her mom's being a real pain in the ass.

We're just kind of waiting for a-- An opening.

Heh.

Get her by herself.

(**)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

And what is your badge number?

"247726-A." Great. See you in court.

Or should I say, "Sue you in court"?

And please relay that message to 924, 946 and 955.

Hello, Janine.

(GRUMBLES)

Glad you took what I said to heart.

We took it very to heart.

Extremely to heart.

Okay, you guys just can't practice on somebody else's kid.

I know how badly you guys want this,

but wanting it badly just isn't enough.

D-do you guys even know the first thing about raising a child?

Have you read any books or done any research?

No.

But, I mean,

the cavemen didn't read any books.

He's got a point.

The infant mortality rate back then was, like, 80 percent.

Well, that's pretty good.

No, that means 80 percent died.

Oh. I went the other way with it.

This isn't a joke.

I'm not joking. I seriously went the other way with it.

(HORN HONKS) If you guys are gonna do this,

you have to stop making decisions,

say, a head-trauma patient would make,

and start making decisions that a parent would make.

We'll take that into consideration.

That's not good enough.

Okay, then we'll heavily consider it.

(HORN HONKS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can we focus?

Guys!

This baby is inside of me,

which means I have some say in this.

And if I don't think that the two of you can handle this,

you will never even lay eyes on this child. Got it?

Yeah.

Got it.

Dean.

Hands in.

"Become kick-ass dads," on three.

One, two, three.

BOTH: Become kick-ass dads!

(**)

It's all right, you told 'em, baby.

Second trimester.

The baby's lost and you gotta find it.

Go.

(**)

JOHN: Fifteen seconds.

Where are you?!

Dean, you gotta find that baby!

Got it, got it!

Oh, how'd I do?

Fifty-four seconds.

Nice.

Yeah, I think it died.

Crap.

It's all right. Keep your chin up.

Bound to lose a baby or two along the way.

I love you.

Are you ready?

DEAN: Yeah.

(DOLL SQUEAKS)

It's not always gonna tell us when it's gonna jump.

You gotta think about that.

There you go again, making me a better person.

(**)

Good one, Dean.

Uh-oh.

Looks like someone's diaper's full.

It crapped out, like, $5 in quarters. What the hell?

I thought it'd be a good idea to condition our brains to view

the diaper-changing process as a positive experience.

Hm. Brilliant.

A friendship bracelet.

Chicken fingers. And hot mustard sauce.

Mmm.

Popcorn. Mmm.

That's not all.

Ah!

What the hell?

I was just starting to get comfortable with it.

Yeah. I noticed.

What is that supposed to mean?

It's important to get comfortable,

but not too comfortable.

Oh, so now I'm too comfortable?

Look, Dean, this is not a game.

We're gonna see some shit the likes of which we've never seen before.

Odd combinations like popcorn and dead bird

are gonna seem like sugar and spice.

Just don't get too close.

Fine.

I love you too. Apology accepted.

DEAN: Ready to see a fully baby-proofed apartment?

It's called the Super Baby Mat.

It rolls right up and stores right under the cupboard.

Hey, guys.

Check out the nursery.

JANINE: This is really nice.

JAMES: What the fuck is that?

Oh, that the fuck is the crib.

The safest place in the house.

Dean, a demonstration.

(SCREAMS)

Look out!

(YELLS)

(JOHN YELLS)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

See? Not a shard of glass gets through.

Hey.

Oh, been doing some diaper training, I see.

Yeah, that's Snickers.

Oh.

Ooh, does not smell like Snickers.

No, uh, Snickers is the name of our neighbor's dog.

Oh... Ew.

Hi.

I can't really talk right now.

Baby's sleeping.

It can hear me talking through my chest cavity.

Really good to see you.

BOTH: Third trimester.

Looking good.

It's got all its fingers and toes.

Should be very happy.

I'll give you four a moment.

Hey, you guys wanna see how that ice cream sandwich is progressing?

Yes.

What is that?

Oh, I got this last week.

It's one of those temporary ones.

Just comes off after a few laser sessions.

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm walking into the apartment now.

I can still hear you.

Great. Hey, Tara.

Hi from the car, Tara.

The inter-apartment communication system is a go.

Roger that.

Tell her the news, good buddy.

Oh, yeah. Tara, great news.

The ultrasound went really, really well,

so we are gonna go to a celebratory movie.

And even more great news,

Janine has offered to look after Dad

so you can come with us.

I have a book I want to finish.

Are you sure?

Because I could hold your hand

on the way to and during the movie.

No. Just go.

Okay. Janine, looks like you're back in.

Shall we?

You know what, I'm gonna use the bathroom.

I'll meet you down in the car.

Okay. Bye, Tara.

Bathroom's down the hall.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Look, I know you think they're just a couple of losers.

That's what I thought at first too,

but once you get to know them, they're really great guys.

And I know they do some weird stuff sometimes.

Actually, all the time.

But their heart's in the right place.

So, what do you say?

Yeah.

Great. You'll go to the movie.

No, I meant, yeah, I think they're just a couple of losers.

Oh.

Okay. Heh.

Enjoy your book.

Mm-hm.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(**)

This is all about encouragement and relaxation.

Just do it with me. WOMAN: So partners

guide the mothers. Breathe. Relax.

Help them focus.

Breathe together.

Faster. You gotta pace it up.

No, don't listen to a word John says.

Keep it slower. Shoot for one breath a minute.

Calm down. You heard the bitch say to relax. Calm the fuck down.

Do you have to swear, honey?

Keep it slow. That's bull.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Guys!

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Cut that shit out!

(SIGHS)

(ALL SIGH)

Very good, guys. That was great. That's our class.

I'll see you guys next week.

(ALL APPLAUD) Thank you.

Hey, class? Look who brought their new baby.

ALL: Oh!

Welcome back, guys. Thank you.

Hey, everybody. This is Tyler.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Any advice for the mothers-to-be?

Get an epidural.

(ALL LAUGH)

Uh, gosh.

Oh, what can I say?

Um, it's the most magical moment.

(CRYING) It's just wonderful.

I mean, the first time you see this little guy.

And it's like you're looking at a little part of you.

You know?

I'm sorry. Every time I talk about it, I get--

Um, it's just so powerful.

Ugh. You will see.

So does anybody want to meet this little fellow?

Fuck it. I'll meet that little motherfucker.

Guess I'll meet the motherfucker. Sure.

Should we, uh--? Yeah.

Think so?

Oh, uh, honey, I'm gonna go get the car.

BOTH: Surprise!

Ultrasound picture.

Thank you.

That's-- That's really sweet.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

We are already so attached to this baby.

And here it's been inside you eight months.

I can't imagine how attached you must be at this point.

And to think in, like, two weeks

it's gonna be taken from your body

and immediately placed in our arms.

I can see why so many surrogates wanna keep their babies.

And your body could stop producing eggs or something.

That happens all the time.

And knowing there's even a chance

that this could be your only child,

and you're giving it to us?

Well, a framed picture of the very precious thing you're giving up

is the least we could do.

Thanks.

You know, I could stop by every now and then and--

And help out. I don't mind.

BOTH: Oh, no, no.

You've done more than enough. No. No. Yes.

Your work is done. We'll take it from here.

Thank you.

Okay.

Group hug?

(**)

John? What's the combination to the fridge again?

JOHN: Twenty-seven left, 32 right, 25 left.

Hey, and, you know, I was thinking

that maybe we should put some locks on the locks.

In case the baby learns the combination to the original locks.

Hey, look at this.

It's a letter from Janine!

Oh, that's nice of her.

Hand-delivered.

"Dear John and Dean, I should start by saying

"what great fathers I think you're gonna be.

Never thought I'd say that and mean it."

Did you hear that, Dad?

(JOHN CHORTLES)

"After months of seeing your hard work and dedication,

"I realize just how badly you want it.

"Unfortunately, last night you made me realize

"just how badly I want it too.

"It kills me to write this,

"but I have decided to...

"keep the baby.

I hope one day you'll forgive me. Janine."

Oh, my God.

Let's get dressed, let's get dressed.

DEAN: Yeah, okay.

(**)

Tara, can you watch our dad for us?!

We're going to find Janine!

(TIRES SCREECH)

JOHN: Oh, she's not here.

DEAN: Right. JOHN: Let's go to James' house.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

JOHN: They're not here. DEAN: I don't know.

So, what do we do now?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, hey.

Um, I was just watching your dad

and needed to use the bathroom.

Did you find her?

No.

But very thoughtful of you to ask.

If that thoughtful attitude you displayed

was the attitude of the world, there'd be no war.

Uh...

Um, I should go.

Well, have a fantastic whatever-you're-doing

and a great whatever-you're- doing-after-that.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

How can you be so nonchalant about this?

Because I know that if this doesn't work out, we have other options.

We have dick.

No, we do not have dick.

We have Tara.

Well, I have Tara.

Tara?

Yeah. It's about time that I took this thing with Tara to the next level.

She's not into you, John.

What?

She's not into you.

Can't you see that?

You're just jealous of what we have.

Jealous of what you have?

I already have what you have.

Nothing.

She thinks you're a loser.

Oh, really?

And how did you come up with your expert analysis?

From your combined total of five hours

of relationship experience?

Because I heard her say it.

What?

I overheard Tara talking to Janine.

She thinks you're a loser.

I mean, she thinks we're both losers.

You know what? Maybe she's right.

I mean, maybe all that stuff

that Dad used to say was just bullshit.

We're just too big of losers to know it.

Really?

I've always been such a loser?

I guess I was a huge loser

when I was voted our school's goddamn homecoming king!

We were homeschooled.

You're just upset because I beat you.

You tied me.

And I won the tiebreaker.

Fine, you won.

You're less of a loser than me.

But you're still a loser.

Well, if I'm such a loser, maybe--

Maybe you'd be better off without me.

Yeah. Maybe I would.

Good. 'Cause you know what?

I'll find her faster on my own anyway.

Well, I certainly wouldn't wanna slow you down.

Well, then maybe I should get the hell out of here.

Yeah. Maybe you should.

Fine. Have a nice life.

I will!

Good, I hope you don't die!

(SCREAMS)

(**)

(SCREAMS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(GRUNTING)

(JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

* Growing up

* You don't see The writing on the wall *

* Passing by

* Moving straight ahead You knew it all *

* But maybe sometimes

* If you feel the pain

* Find you're all alone

* Everything has changed

* Play the game

* Only you can do What must be done *

(BABIES CRYING)

* I can see a new horizon

* Underneath the blazing sky

* I'll be where The eagle's flying *

* Higher and higher

* Gonna be a man in motion

* All I need's these pair Of wheels *

* Take me where My future's lying *

* St. Elmo's fire

(CRYING)

(DEAN'S VOICE) John.

Dean?

I am so proud of you.

(JOHN'S VOICE) Thanks, Pop.

Isn't he great?

(WHIMPERS) Dean.

"Keep focused on finding Janine," on three.

One. Two. Three.

Keep focused on finding Janine!

(CRIES)

Oh, God!

(**)

(WATER RUNNING)

That's strange.

My shower's running.

It's strange because I live alone.

Can I ask what you're doing here?

I saw a sign out front...

that said "Room For Rent.

"Wanted:

"one bullheaded brother

who sometimes sticks his foot in his mouth."

Yeah, well, I'm afraid you're too late.

'Cause there's already one bullheaded brother

who sometimes sticks his foot in his mouth renting this apartment.

Oh, yeah?

Who's that?

You're talking to him.

That's too bad.

Say, do you think there's enough room for me to crash here?

While I look for another place willing

to take a bullheaded brother

who sometimes sticks his foot in his mouth,

who's really, really sorry?

I don't know.

Two bullheaded brothers

who sometimes stick their feet in their mouth

in one small apartment?

That doesn't sound like it would work out.

Yeah.

How long are we talking?

Not very long.

Only the rest of my life.

How much you willing to pay?

Just all the money in the world.

(SOBBING) Come here.

God, I missed you.

I missed you too.

Hey, uh, could I get you to throw on a towel or something?

You got it. Great.

How's that? Great. Thank you.

Take a look in that mirror.

There's not a man on this earth I'd rather have a baby with.

Hands in.

"Quickly towel off, get dressed and come up with a plan

to find Janine," on three.

One. Two. Three.

BOTH: Quickly towel off, get dressed and come up with a plan

to find Janine!

* Growing up

Wait, wait, hold up.

We gotta get Tara to watch Dad.

Oh, yeah. U-uh, look, I'll do it.

No, no.

This is something I have to do.

Yeah.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, Tara.

Can you watch our dad for us?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can.

Great, thanks.

Oh, w-wait a minute.

That's it?

Yeah, why?

You're not gonna ask me to dinner or anything?

Hm, dinner. Uh, it does sound good.

But no.

Oh, and also, I'm over you.

Burn! Facial! Suck it!

(JOHN PARR'S "ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

* Growing up

* You don't see The writing on the wall *

* Passing by...

All right, let's game plan.

Well, between the two of us, we've already searched,

like, every place she would logically be.

I know, she could be anywhere. God.

I just wish there was some way that we could communicate with her

and say exactly what we wanted to say

in a way in which she didn't feel threatened.

Fortune cookies?

Interesting idea, but...

Fliers? You're on the right track,

but I don't think we've quite hit it yet.

* Soldier on

* Only you can do What must be done... *

Oh, my God. Let's go.

DEAN: What a great and delicious idea.

I agree. Your engine cannot run on optimum capability

if there's no gas in the tank.

All right, so...

we gotta get our message through to Janine, but how?

Yeah.

(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)

Oh, my God. I got it.

It was right in front of our face the whole time.

Yup, I got there a fraction of a second after you did.

It is so obvious.

Let's go.

* Play the game

* You know you can--

Where you going? The apple orchard is this way.

Well, what does an apple orchard have to do with anything?

Wait, what were you thinking?

I'll tell you on the way.

* Play the game

* You know You can't quit... *

I can't believe they charged us 50 bucks a letter.

That's why we kept it short.

So, what do we do now?

We wait.

* And you're trying To break free *

* I can see A new horizon *

* Underneath The blazing sky *

* I'll be where The eagle's flying... *

Oh, my God. I think I see it.

JOHN: "Hi, my name is John."

DEAN: "And I am his brother, Dean."

"Hi."

"We've got a little situation here,

and, boy, could we use your help."

"How can you help?

"Well, sit back and relax. We're about to tell you.

"You can start by grabbing a pen and paper

to write down some information."

"We'll give you a moment...

to grab... that paper...and pen."

"We are sorry if we didn't give you enough time

"to get the necessary writing implements,

"but we are under serious space constraints

with this sky banner."

"We are looking for a woman named Janine Rice.

She is five-foot-eight, blondish hair."

BOTH: "Blue eyes."

Hm.

"Oh, that really narrows it down."

"Fine, Dean. Then how would you describe her?"

"Well, she just looks like a normal,

pretty American girl."

"Oh, that's much better."

"Anyway, Janine is eight-and-a-half months pregnant

"with our baby.

Well, fine. Dean's."

ALL: "I have a problem with sperm motility,

a subject Dean likes to rub in my face."

"Okay, let me get in here for a second.

"You make one little joke about a guy's infertility,

and suddenly you deserve to be labeled a jerk--"

"On a sky banner that could potentially be seen

"by 50,000 people.

That's fucking bullshit."

(JOHN'S VOICE) "Dean, none of that matters right now.

"What matters most is that Janine sees this sign,

especially this next part."

(DEAN'S VOICE) "So for those of you reading this,

we need to ask you for just one more favor."

(MOUTHS) That's bullshit.

WOMAN: "Just in case Janine has her back turned or something

and can't read the sign--"

"It would really be a big help

if we could get you to yell out--"

"'Janine, look in the sky.'"

BOTH: Janine, look in the sky!

(LAUGHS)

Janine! Look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Think this maybe might work?

I think this definitely maybe might work.

(LAUGHS)

ALL: Janine, look in the sky!

ALL: Janine, look in the sky!

Baby...

I think you need to take a look at this.

"Janine, hopefully you're reading this right now.

"There's so much we need to tell you.

We never meant to come between you and the baby."

"So we want you to keep the baby,

"but we want you to keep us too.

"Maybe if we had told you that in the first place,

"you'd never have left.

Hopefully we're not too late."

"Oh, my God. John, are you crying?"

"No, I have something in my eye."

"Anyways, please, if you have any information,

"we are offering a reward of 500 doll hairs.

Just kidding, dollars."

"Nice." "Thank you."

JAMES: "You can reach us on our home telephone number...

"...which is area code 545...

...162-43--"

What the hell? They cut off our--

(GRUNTS)

Wait. Look!

DEAN: "--56."

(SIGHS)

MACHINE: You have one new message.

Message sent today at 1443.

MAN: Hey, my name's Matt and I'm calling

about the sky banner.

I wanna propose to my girlfriend,

and I need the phone number of the banner place.

I'm at 555-0183.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, hey, Tara. We're home.

(CHUCKLING) She loves that bathroom.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

Well, we did our best.

Yep...

and Dad knows that.

We got nothing to be ashamed of.

Hands in.

(SIGHS)

What should we do on this one?

I'm really kind of stumped, like...

I gotta be honest, I...

don't know if I have anything left in me.

Um--

How 'bout, "Janine's right behind us,"

on three?

Oh, my God.

(**) Janine?

I had to use your bathroom. I hope you don't mind.

After all, I'm peeing for five now.

That is, if the offer still stands.

Oh, my God. Do you mean it?

Mm-hm.

(SIGHS) Janine!

Oh, sorry.

So you saw our sky banner?

Actually, uh, James did.

Hey, guys.

BOTH: James!

All right. Yeah. All right, settle down.

Relax, everybody. Back the fuck up.

Oh, I have a little something I've been saving

for a special occasion.

This seems like the perfect time to crack it open

'cause it doesn't get much more special than this.

Hey there, little one. How are you?

We missed you so much.

Oh, here it is.

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

(GASPING) Oh...my God.

What? My water just broke.

JAMES: Oh, we gotta go. We gotta go, honey.

Let's go. I'm having a baby!

Quit blowing that thing and come on.

JOHN: Having a baby!

Dean, we're having a baby!

Wait, wait! How are we gonna get Dad to the hospital?

Oh, I'm on it.

911? Hurry! Send an ambulance!

My father's dying!

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

(**)

We're having a baby!

(SIREN WAILING)

JOHN: Hold it in! DEAN: Keep it in!

Suck it up there! Oh, come on!

That's great! Don't breathe! Don't breathe!

Just breathe with me. Just breathe.

That's it.

Where's the fucking doctor?!

NURSE: Get the doctor.

Hurry up, she's having a baby!

NURSE: Here you go, sweetheart. How dilated is she?

Where's the doctor? It's getting hot.

(JANINE GAGS) Oh, Jesus.

My bad. My bad. My bad.

Surprise!

Look who's here!

What the fuck?

Just trying to give Dad a view of the birth.

Yeah, there's too much blanket.

Ah, that's the sweet spot.

Okay, let's do this thing.

Okay, okay. It's all right. (GASPING)

It's all right. Uh...

(BREATHING LOUDLY) (JANINE GRUNTS)

DEAN: Breathe.

Push.

It's crowning.

Push, Janine. Push, Janine.

DOCTOR: One more push. One more.

JAMES: That's good. That's good, baby.

That's good. Push! It's coming out!

Come on.

That's it. (GRUNTING)

The head is out. The head is out.

Ha-ha! I see the head!

JAMES: That's good. It's all right.

One more big push, Janine.

Come on. One more big push.

(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

NURSE: That's it. Push hard. Push hard.

Look up.

DOCTOR: There it is. Very good, Janine.

(YELLING AND LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING) (GASPING)

Yes! Oh, my God! Ahh!

Congratulations, it's a boy. (BABY CRYING)

JAMES: Hey! You had a baby!

Ah, you did it! Proud of you!

It's a baby!

It came out of there!

We saw it! DEAN: Oh, yeah!

JOHN: We saw it come out--

Oh. (LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) Oh...

(CRYING)

(SIGHS)

Now, that is one beautiful baby.

Can we show the baby to Dad?

Dad...

I'd like to introduce you to your new grandson.

Dad, he's got your eyes.

(**)

DOCTOR: Okay, let's get a picture of the happy family.

One, two, three. (LAUGHING)

(**)

Oh, and remember,

put the bungee cord around your wrist

so when the baby does a roof fall, no harm done.

Oh, all right.

But never leave the child alone with the cord.

Uh, where do I start? Hanging hazard,

potential tripping danger, autoerotic-asphyxiation risk--

What? Oh, yeah.

Kids are starting really early these days with that.

You might wanna change that cord a couple times a year.

Otherwise, the elasticity just goes to shit,

and that's your baby's ass, partner.

Thanks...James.

Thank you for your business. Okay, great.

Thank you. They said there were, uh,

three number one causes of c-child death.

What was the third one again?

Whoa, Jesus! Oh.

It's okay. He's fine. He's in a coma.

Oh, I hope he lives.

Hope your baby doesn't die!

Guard your baby with your life.

Don't fuck up.

(**)

Thanks again. Sure.

S-safety first, right?

Who's that over there?

Who's this, huh?

That's grandpa.

Can you say "grandpa"?

Dean, he's not gonna--

Grandpa.

JOHN: No way! Holy fuck!

(LAUGHS) Dean.

Don't swear.

Well, I'm sorry. I-I--

You just never know how you're gonna react

when your baby says his first words.

JAMES: Well, be careful.

Babies are like little sponges.

Sorry.

Fuck.

(SIGHS)

Didn't I tell you this little motherfucker was like a sponge?

No, no, no, no.

That's a bad word. Bad word.

No, no. That's okay. Say the other word.

(BABY CRYING) Say the other word.

See? The other word-- The other word.

--will make you happy. Say "grandpa."

Say "grandpa."

Grandpa.

(ALL LAUGH) JOHN: Good boy.

GRANDPA (FAINTLY): Grandson.

Grandson.

Dad?

Dad?

(**)

Oh, my God.

Ooh, look. It's your grandson.

(LAUGHING)

Holy shit.

Holy shit is right, Dad.

We used every lesson you ever taught us

to help get him for you.

DEAN: He's a Solomon. We even named him after you.

I'm so proud of you boys.

You did good.

Hands in.

(SIGHS)

"Solomon family," on three.

ALL: One, two, three. Solomon family!

(THE MAGIC NUMBERS' "MORNINGS ELEVEN" PLAYING)

* You're in denial

* You're in denial And I know *

* Well, what's my name?

* Well, what's my name? I don't know... *

JOHN: Let's do this.

* Maybe I can meet you In the morning... *

His head came off.

JOHN: Okay, that wasn't good enough.

But the baby's still here.

What if it brought a friend?!

Let's do this!

* Maybe I can meet you In the morning... *

MAN: Action.

* You're in denial...

It's nice to meet you, sir.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Tell all your friends to come on over.

(LAUGHING) It's the blue car. It's the fun car.

We'll be right here. Rain or shine.

Luckily, we're both wearing raincoats.

Baby scramble.

Line it up!

* Maybe you Could telephone *

* Maybe I can meet you In the morning... *

Oh, so I guess herpes and gonorrhea and AIDS

aren't a problem for you.

That was not your five.

When my brother has a five hanging in the wind...

I don't leave it there.

Thank you.

(BOTH SIGH)

He's not handicapped.

Handi-capable.

MAN: No, he's, uh--

Disabled? No.

He's-- Not fully cooked.

He's clowning for the camera.

God's special little clown.

MAN: Get out.

Now? Now!

(WHISPERING) I told you.

Does he want us to go? I don't know.

(LAUGHS)

They're not making any noise.

(FARTS)

(LAUGHING)

What?

(CREW LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

* I had it all

* But I never Thought I did *

* No, no, no, no I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh

(CREW LAUGHING)

* Ba-ba-ba Ba-ba *

* Ba-ba

* You're in denial

* You're in denial And I know *

* What's my name?

* What's my name? I don't know *

* Maybe you could telephone

* Maybe I could meet you In the morning *

* Call me If you're on your own *

* Maybe I can meet you In the morning *

* Die for you

* Die for you

* Oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* But I never thought I did

* No, no, no, no I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* But I never thought I did

* No, no, no, no I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* Ba-ba-ba Ba-ba *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh

* Aah-aah