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1
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:11,379
-Man:
Gather around,
children of all ages.
2
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,747
Actually, legally I have to
ask that you're a child
3
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,484
above the age of 17,
but if you're a cool
nine-year-old
4
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,519
who figured out where to find
Crackle, you're cool by us.
5
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,355
Anyway, this is
the time of year
6
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,657
where families get on Amazon
7
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,260
and order slightly wrong
versions of things
8
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,561
their loved ones asked for.
9
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,198
No, not super-wrong,
just wrong enough
10
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,400
that it's not worth
your time to mail it back.
11
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,268
Amazon knows
what it's doing.
12
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,237
Who am I, you ask?
13
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,172
You'll find out
soon enough.
14
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,373
But for now,
15
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:42,376
let's check in
on one of our heroes
16
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,579
enjoying a new
American tradition.
17
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,482
-* Made some cookies
just for Santa *
18
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,285
* Making sure he knows
that I was good *
19
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:53,787
* Drank his milk,
hope he likes Fanta *
20
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,724
* Dude is pretty fat,
he probably would *
21
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,360
* Stockings full
of quesadillas *
22
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,829
* How do Santa's elves
keep them warm? *
23
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,632
* Getting bored
of this song, see ya *
24
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,268
* Fuck did you expect?
I'm just a cat *
25
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,138
-(laughs)
The perfect
26
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,805
cornerstone to
a traditional Christmas.
27
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:14,275
-(clanking)
-You're almost there.
28
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,243
-(grunts)
29
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:18,146
Religious customs seem
to be a lot of work,
30
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,747
but I'm sure it's all
worth it in the end.
31
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,315
-What the hell is that?
32
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:22,716
-Happy holidays, Ranger.
33
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,752
-Um, you mean
"Merry Christmas."
34
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,986
Jesus' birthday.
35
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:29,823
-Actually, December 25th was
originally a pagan celebration
36
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,826
of the winter solstice
co-opted by Western culture.
37
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,663
There's actually no way
of knowing when Jesus was born.
38
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:39,233
-How very educational.
39
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,802
-* Heading out
to see the family *
40
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,372
* Only person here
who has a home *
41
00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:47,175
-* Yeah, but don't
your parents hate you? *
42
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,342
-Who asked you?
43
00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:51,111
Your father was run
over by a RAV4!
-(door closes)
44
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,448
-Santa, I've been
good all year.
45
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,151
Please, please, please
let this be the Christmas
46
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,352
you get me
what I want.
47
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:01,789
And again, that is
the V-Twin 800cc Dune Buggy.
48
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:04,725
-Santa?
-Ho-ho-ho-ho!
49
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,628
You caught me
delivering your presents.
50
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:08,762
-Wait a minute.
51
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,731
I know that voice.
52
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:11,865
Rex!
53
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:15,436
Why are you sneaking around
wearing Santa's clothes?
54
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,206
Where is he?
What did you do with him?
55
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,740
-You got 10 seconds, man.
-(cocks)
56
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,376
-I-- I dress up
in this outfit every year
57
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,345
and hand out presents
at orphanages.
58
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,514
-That's Santa's job.
Five seconds!
59
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,417
-Cooch, I-- I don't know
how to tell you this,
60
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:32,553
but there is no Santa Claus.
61
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,523
-W-w-w-what?
62
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,558
(pukes)
63
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,360
-(holiday music playing)
64
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,797
-Who gives us
presents every year?
65
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,399
-Me.
-Who eats the cookies
66
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,335
and drinks the milk
we leave for Santa?
67
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,303
-Also me.
-And the stockings?
68
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:52,873
-Me. I pretend
to be Santa on Christmas
like many adults.
69
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,309
-So... what'd you get me?
70
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,344
-A scratching post.
71
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,479
-I wanted a dune buggy!
72
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,948
-Well, I want our furniture
to last more than a year,
73
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,384
so we had to meet
in the middle.
74
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,619
Look, I know this
is coming as a shock.
75
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,521
I'm sorry, Cooch.
76
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,566
-May I take your bag, sir?
77
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,401
-Of course, Bunsen.
78
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,271
Well, what did you get me?
79
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:24,672
-Oh, I--
80
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,741
all I have is
this priceless pocket watch
81
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,278
my grandfather gave to me
on his deathbed.
82
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,879
-You could've wrapped it.
83
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,849
That fucker knew
I wanted an Apple Watch!
84
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,818
-(clatters)
-Hi, big brother!
85
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,288
-Hey, Dudley!
I'm not used to seeing you
86
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,323
without your head buried
up Mom and Dad's ass!
87
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,392
-(laughs)
You're so funny!
88
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,759
-By the way,
where are they?
89
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,261
I want to open
a present before bed.
90
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:48,696
-I am to play you this.
91
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,998
-(click)
-Hello, boys.
92
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,667
Cliff and I decided
to go to Hawaii for Christmas.
93
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,503
If it's gonna be
some sort of thing
94
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,671
that we're not there,
then, you know,
95
00:03:57,705 --> 00:04:02,042
just grab the remote
and press "pause" now.
96
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,645
-So what,
it's just me and you?
This sucks!
97
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,415
Wait a minute.
This means we can
open our presents now!
98
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,951
-(clicks)
-No, Verushka.
99
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:13,387
It's not Christmas morning yet.
100
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:16,023
-Why do you hate
the holidays so much?
101
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,058
-Christmas is when
the memories come.
102
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,795
My brother playing superhero
with his new toys.
103
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:25,433
I had received
a limited-edition Burfy.
104
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,901
-(Burfy babbling)
-But brother pretended
105
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:32,740
it was my henchman,
calling me Captain Bad Guy.
-(Saturn laughs)
106
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,775
-He beat me mercilessly...
-(oranges thud, squish)
107
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,977
-...with a stocking
full of oranges.
108
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:41,081
-(Saturn shouting)
-Then he stomped
my Burfy to dust
109
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,916
before my eyes.
110
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,853
And now on this Christmas,
111
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,389
the feeling he created
112
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:52,760
will end him
once and for all.
113
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,895
-Jewbot:
It's called the holiday season
114
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:58,031
because Americans celebrate
many different traditions.
115
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,868
-But Christmas is so obviously
superior in every way!
116
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,504
The tree!
A day of songs! Gifts!
117
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,772
-Hanukkah has gifts.
118
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,608
-And what is the relative
quality of these gifts?
119
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,942
-We've lost this round.
120
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,711
Run!
121
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,546
-Yeah, I'll call you
when I need a wooden top
122
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,881
and some wax,
chocolate coins!
123
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,916
Christmas wins again!
124
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,486
-Hey, you mind if we clear
some room for my Bendera?
125
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,021
My Kwanzaa flag!
126
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,923
-What on God's Earth
is happening?
127
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,859
-Santa ain't real.
What's next?
128
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:26,927
Chalupas?
129
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,729
-(distant giggling)
130
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,531
-What was that?
131
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,066
-(giggling continues)
132
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,971
-A hidden door?
133
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,007
Could be a dune buggy in there.
134
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:50,017
"Danger, don't touch."
135
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,685
Well, that was
your first mistake,
136
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:52,986
telling me what to do.
137
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,556
Now it's time
to touch all this stuff!
138
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,725
"Gunchucks."
139
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,427
What's dangerous about these?
140
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,530
(screams)
141
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:07,367
-Man's voice:
Hee-hee-skiddle-dee-dee,
come on over and look at me.
142
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,839
-"Skiddle-dee-this,
skiddle-dee-that,
143
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,408
"take a chance
and return my hat.
144
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:16,910
"Skiddle-dee-do,
skiddle-dee-dee,
145
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:20,748
freedom for me,
and a wish for thee"?
146
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,650
-(gasps)
-Go ahead. Make a wish.
147
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:23,951
Set me free.
148
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,619
-What are you?
149
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,488
-I'm Mr. Skibumpers,
150
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,823
the skididdiest Skibumper
you've ever skidooed.
151
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,125
What can I ski-dee for ye?
152
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,161
-Yeah, I picked up
like none of that.
153
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,763
-Your wish.
What's your wish?
154
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,566
-Oh. Well, I guess...
155
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,000
-Ah-ah-ah.
156
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:43,136
I'll have my hat first.
157
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,473
-Bing Crosby:
* My wonderful
Christmas tree... *
158
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,975
-Ah, nothing like
a few hours of Bing Crosby
159
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,477
to set the Christmas mood.
160
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,679
-Ranger, perhaps
we should also include
161
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,080
some traditional Hanukkah music.
162
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,649
-(singing in Yiddish)
163
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,485
-Is someone sacrificing a goat?
164
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,787
-Why don't I slide on
some Miriam Makeba?
165
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:00,988
Get a little Kwanzaa up in here.
166
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,190
-Guys, hang on
to your dick bags!
167
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,958
It's a Christmas miracle!
168
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,794
-Ho-ho-ho!
-(all gasp)
169
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,696
-Holy holiday shit.
170
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,632
-Santa Claus came to town!
171
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,236
-Cookies.
-Cooch, you're telling us
172
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,038
that that's the real,
live Santa Claus?
173
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,841
-Hell yes! Look at him
go after those cookies!
174
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:21,942
-(slurps, spits)
175
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,678
Fanta? What the hell?
176
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,514
-Jesus! Sorry, dude!
177
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,717
-I mean, sure, if it was
a nice summer's day.
178
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,251
But when you're expecting milk--
179
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,986
-This isn't possible.
180
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,588
-Oh, really?
181
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,923
(humming)
182
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,594
-Shit! Is it too late
for me to pin one
of my socks up there?
183
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,730
-Well, team, I'm off
to the orphanage.
184
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:43,797
What the hell?
185
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,766
-I could ask you
the same thing.
186
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:49,136
Call me sensitive,
but I don't find it amusing
187
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,204
when people dress
in beard-face.
188
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,640
-Oh, shit.
189
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,608
-Yeah, that creepy
little doll in your basement
190
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,144
granted me one wish,
and I wished for Santa
to be real.
191
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,780
-Cooch, no one is
supposed to go down there!
192
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,749
That's where I keep
the most dangerous weapons
193
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,150
the League has ever encountered!
194
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,586
-Skiddle-dee-dee, who me?
195
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,788
-Mr. Skibumpers.
196
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,857
-Who is Mr. Skibumpers?
197
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,292
-I'm glad you asked.
198
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,895
-(jazz music plays)
199
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,164
-* There's a place
called Skeedle-Dee *
200
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,266
* A few stars past Skeedle Doo
201
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,234
* It's not too far from here
202
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,071
* It's just a universe or two
203
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,974
* You see
Skeedle-Dee was boring *
204
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,809
* And that wouldn't do at all
205
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,878
* So I started
spreading mischief *
206
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,614
* And was banished
as a doll *
207
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,916
* Stranded on your planet
208
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,586
* My freedom had one key
209
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,688
* A mortal's wish gets granted
210
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,290
* And it's Skibumpers time!
I'm free! *
211
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:46,093
-"Skibumpers time"?
That's a good thing or...
212
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,327
-Bad! Very bad!
213
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,262
-* And now I won't beat
around the bush *
214
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,799
* I'm here to give
your world a push *
215
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,201
* To chaos,
famine, and calamity *
216
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,604
* Beg and plead,
it'll do no good *
217
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,006
* I'm only turnin'
back to wood *
218
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,241
* If I remove this hat
of my own free will *
219
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,776
-Doesn't quite rhyme.
220
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,246
-* Rex has tricked me
in the past *
221
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,181
* But this time
I'm not going back *
222
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:12,185
* Your misery brings me
way too many smiles *
223
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,987
-How many verses
does this thing have?
-(music stops)
224
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,023
-What? What? Were you
not enjoying that song?
225
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,758
It was really
just for your benefit.
226
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,159
I mean, it is
more work for me.
227
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,028
Yeah, how 'bout I just skip
to the big finish?
228
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,932
-(music continues)
-* Mr. Skibumpers
229
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:29,703
* Is here to stay!
230
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,239
-You son of a bitch!
-Take it easy, Rex!
231
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,274
Santa Claus is real
because of him!
232
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,209
-His wishes are traps!
233
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,046
Last time he got out,
he tricked Captain Elastic
234
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,948
into wishing
for a giant penis
235
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,315
and the next thing we knew,
236
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,718
we were fighting
a 400-foot rooster!
237
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,787
-He should have chosen
his words more wisely.
238
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:47,888
-Come on, Rex.
239
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,658
Cooch asked for Santa
to be real. Christmas wins!
240
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,992
All other holidays
are now null and void!
241
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,961
-Now, wait a minute--
-No, I think he's got us.
242
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,363
-What harm could come
from giving a gift
243
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,066
to every good boy
and girl on Earth?
244
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:04,672
Which, according to
this list, appears to be
over 950 million children?
245
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,273
I better get moving.
246
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,375
Let's see here.
Uh, American Ranger,
247
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,645
I believe you
asked for one of these
when you were five.
248
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:12,846
-A Shirley Temple doll.
249
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,684
My father beat me half to death
just for asking for it.
250
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,285
-Hmm-hmm, Jew, Jew.
251
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:21,054
And what did you
ask for, young lady?
252
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,155
-A dune buggy.
253
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,157
-Ho-ho!
Now surely you see
254
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,293
I can't fit
a dune buggy into this--
255
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,195
holy shit!
256
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:32,032
How did-- no, no, no.
L-- let's not think about it.
257
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,366
Ho-ho-ho!
258
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,669
And for you,
Titanium Rex?
259
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:39,372
I don't want anything
from a Skibumper's abomination,
260
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,042
and I kindly ask you
to leave my mansion.
261
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,877
-Sure, sure,
just as soon as
262
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:47,314
I give this
Black Saturn fellow his gift.
263
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,116
-Saturn's not here.
He went home.
264
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,450
Come on!
I'll show you where he lives.
265
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,921
-(thumping)
-Well, it sounds like
my sleigh is on the roof!
266
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,089
Not sure of the best way
to get up there.
267
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,457
Do you have a ladder or a--
268
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,759
whoa! Help me!
269
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,828
-Santa!
-It hurts!
270
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,295
(screams)
271
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,932
-You guys got any more
of that Fanta?
272
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,469
-Another nesting doll?
273
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,172
What the frick?!
-Mom let Verushka
274
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,841
do the Christmas
shopping this year.
275
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,275
-This is worse than
that year that they got me
276
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:19,012
a mail-order bride from Russia
because they were "worried
about me."
277
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,914
I wonder whatever happened
to that wildebeest.
278
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,215
-Hey! That was me!
279
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,451
-It was my loss.
You blossomed.
280
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,153
Look, I'm just
gonna cut to the chase.
281
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,355
I did a little
Christmas shopping for myself.
282
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,824
The entire Yeezy
season one fashion line,
283
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:32,960
including Yeezy Boost 350s.
284
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,162
Not a whole lotta money
left over for your gifts.
285
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,164
Like, you know, none.
286
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,398
-Look, brother!
-(yelps)
287
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,000
-It's midnight.
288
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,803
It's officially
Christmas morning.
289
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:46,039
You never opened my present.
290
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,174
-You got me a present?
291
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,976
This better be
a freakin' Apple Watch!
292
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:52,813
-Do you remember when we used to
play hero and villain?
293
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:56,216
-(cocks)
-I thought we could play
one last time.
294
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,251
-Ho-ho-ho! Ah!
-(bones crack)
295
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:01,188
-(screams)
Ah, my bones!
296
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,056
-Cooch:
You okay, Santa?
297
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:06,259
Was that a chimney
or a fucking gas line?
298
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,261
I mean, uh,
ho-ho-ho!
299
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,297
Merry Christmas!
300
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,464
-Father Frost!
301
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,533
-No fucking way!
302
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,869
-Look, I'm in a hurry.
Here's what your heart desires.
303
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,104
-"Resident Evil VII"?
304
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,072
That's impossible!
This isn't even out yet!
305
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,541
-The bag made it.
I'm not sure how, but--
306
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,010
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares?
307
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,544
I wanna play it!
Outta my way!
308
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,279
-We did not ask for anything.
309
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:28,148
-The bag knows
what you need.
310
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,850
It just knows!
311
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,853
Oh, God, looks like
it's time to go!
312
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,288
Oh! Oh God!
(screams)
313
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,959
-Sorry, Mom and Dad.
314
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,128
We're spending Christmas
in a creepy house of horrors.
315
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,963
"Resident Evil VII," baby!
316
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,233
-(ding)
-Ah! The centerpiece
of any yuletide feast.
317
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,201
-What the--
-(all exclaiming)
318
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,537
-My Christmas turkey!
-My Hanukkah latkes!
319
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,039
-My Kwanzaa jerk chicken!
320
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,275
-Do you see what happens
when you open December 25th
to all traditions?
321
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,510
-Hanukkah was celebrated
long before Christmas.
322
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,413
-Kwanzaa ain't
gonna win this one,
but it's not goin' anywhere!
323
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,614
-Uh, guys?
324
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:06,353
This latke and jerk chicken
stuffed turkey is delicious!
325
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,221
-Well, there's one more.
326
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,924
Only a billion more to go!
327
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,193
-Could we not look
at the hard numbers?
328
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,495
I'm beginning to feel
a little overwhelmed.
329
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,598
-Weird to think 30 minutes ago
you didn't even exist.
330
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,533
And then, boom! Santa!
331
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,936
I wonder where
you were before that?
332
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,437
-Does this thing
have a radio or a--
333
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,240
-Hey, do you think that bag
could work me up a quesadilla?
334
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,077
-I don't think there's much
that bag can't do.
335
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,111
-Let's take a look!
336
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,146
-(bag shrieking)
337
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:36,116
-(sobbing)
* Silent night, holy night
338
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,086
* All is calm, all is bright
339
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,021
-Where's the adult programming?
340
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,356
-(channels changing)
-I haven't seen a naked woman,
Skidoo or otherwise,
341
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,925
in thousands of years.
342
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,860
-Ah, you should
make yourself comfortable.
343
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,495
Can I take your hat?
344
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,931
-What is this?
Freakin' amateur hour?
345
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:54,134
Mister, you're dealing
with a trickster that
knows all the tricks.
346
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,269
-Last time I told you
there was bird shit on it.
347
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,537
-Fuck you, Rex.
348
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,906
We were at the beach.
349
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,273
There were seagulls everywhere.
350
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,309
Fool me once,
uh-- fuck you!
351
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,511
-Ah! Give-- give me this! Give--
-Ah-ah-ah.
352
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,046
You know the rule.
353
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:09,016
The hat only comes off
if I take it off.
354
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,251
Now, are you gonna
give me some privacy
355
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,453
or do I need
to sing it out for ya?
356
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:16,223
* I'm gonna rub one out!
357
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,457
-Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no.
358
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,558
I'll give you privacy!
359
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,461
-Uh, it's gettin' cold.
360
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,096
How many houses have we done?
361
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,065
-1,256.
362
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,400
99 million homes to go.
363
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:28,969
22 hours left.
364
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,071
I'd have to bend space and time.
365
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,240
-You doin' okay, dude?
-Okay?
366
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:37,510
I've eaten almost 4,000 cookies
and pounded 200 gallons of milk.
367
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,646
Why don't I have to go
to the bathroom?
368
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,114
-You're Santa Claus, dude.
369
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,682
It doesn't have to
all make sense.
370
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,750
Like-- like how do you know
371
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,419
if every kid on Earth
has been naughty or nice?
372
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,556
-(children's voices)
-I-- I can hear them.
373
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,424
Every child on Earth.
374
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,226
The black ones,
red ones, white ones.
375
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:56,429
Some of the Jewish ones.
Their voices filling my head!
376
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,065
Jessica wants a dolly.
377
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,567
Sammy wants his parents
to get back together.
378
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,536
Get out. Get out.
Get out of my mind!
379
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,339
The voices! Make them stop!
380
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,475
-Santa! Pull up, dude!
381
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:13,013
-I must silence the voices!
-Ah! Shit, shit, shit! See ya!
382
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,014
-Banzai!
383
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,218
-Oh, no! Santa?
384
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,053
-Santa:
I can't die.
385
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,155
(distorted)
I am no man!
386
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,691
I am a god!
387
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,194
(laughs)
388
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:31,331
Which one of you motherfuckers
has been naughty?
389
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,737
-Alley-oop!
390
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,306
Strike!
391
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:40,540
-Those were handcrafted
392
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,675
by my mama
in a Siberian work camp!
393
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:43,743
-Yeah. Great. Whatever.
394
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,013
Uh, could I get back
to playing "Resident Evil"?
395
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,214
I wanna try the VR.
396
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,682
-But we haven't given you
Dudley's gift yet.
397
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,385
-League alert:
Superhuman disturbance
at Storm City Square.
398
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,221
All League members requested.
399
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,688
-Well, looks like
you're doin' this one
400
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,224
"Home Alone" style, Dudley.
401
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:58,458
I gotta go.
402
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,994
-Now, Dudley!
We must kill him now!
403
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,396
-Let him go, Verushka.
404
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,564
Let him go.
405
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,732
-(Burfy babbles)
406
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:08,535
-A turkey stuffed
with jerk chicken
stuffed with latkes.
407
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,437
What do we agree on?
It's delicious.
408
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,072
But to what tradition
does it belong?
409
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,342
We should call it
a Hannuzaamas lat-turk-jerk!
410
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,643
-No, no, no,
how 'bout this, though?
411
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,011
Kwachriska jerky-la-turkey?
412
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,113
-If only there was
a catch-all term
413
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,115
that included all
of these traditions
414
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,051
while respecting
their individuality.
415
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,053
-Oh, pick a side, Jewbot!
416
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,555
-Gear up!
Santa's gone blood-crazy
417
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,324
and is tearing a chunk
out of Storm City.
418
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,227
-Santa:
Your god is here!
419
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:38,098
There is nowhere to run,
for I am everywhere!
420
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,499
-Cooch, what happened?
421
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,068
-What do you want
me to say, man?
422
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,402
I got Skibumpered.
423
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,438
-Okay, team, we hit him hard
and we hit him fast.
424
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:49,542
Santa, you've got two seconds
to pack up your fat red ass
425
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,311
and head back
to the North Pole.
426
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,047
-But I have not
given you your gift.
427
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,216
The gift of oblivion!
428
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,359
(shouts)
429
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,365
-Time to ring
the Christmas bells, bitch!
430
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,800
-What? Well, then fuck you!
431
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:17,137
Ya!
-(screams)
432
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,772
-Oh, Santa!
This-- this isn't you!
433
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,509
You're supposed to be
spreading yuletide cheer.
434
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,177
-You should welcome this!
435
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,646
Join me, and together
we will force
436
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:30,750
every other holiday
to bow before Christmas!
437
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:34,454
-No. I used to think
that was the American way,
438
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:38,125
but today I tasted a turkey
that had been filled
439
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,728
with Jamaican chicken
and Israeli potatoes.
440
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,231
All of this has been
keeping other holidays down!
441
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,533
It's fascist!
You're not Old Saint Nick!
442
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,501
You're Christmas Hitler!
443
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:52,105
And we're the Allies,
allies of Christmas.
444
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,541
(screams)
-(grunting)
445
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,813
-Stop this!
What is it you want?
446
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,682
-What do I desire?
447
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,486
No-- no one has ever
asked me what I want.
448
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,356
How is it I know
the desires of all humanity,
449
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,858
but my heart
remains a mystery?
450
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:13,193
No! No, no, no, no!
451
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,128
This is a trick!
I am a god!
452
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,564
What could I possibly desire?
453
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,599
-Shit, dude! Let's find out!
454
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,733
-Wait a--
455
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,674
-Where did he go?
-The bag, Rex.
456
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,809
He went into the bag.
457
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,814
-(whimsical music plays)
458
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,653
-It's so beautiful.
459
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,189
-Have no fear.
460
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,591
The League has
neutralized Santa Claus.
461
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,359
Christmas is saved!
462
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,827
-But-- but how?
463
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:52,432
There can't be a Christmas
without Santa. (cries)
464
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,601
-Of course there will
still be a Christmas.
465
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:58,338
-Will there be?
All our presents
were in our van!
466
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,607
-Uh...
467
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,409
-(heavy breathing echoing)
468
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,313
(breathing continues)
469
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,850
-(hammering)
470
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,462
-(ding)
-Oh, my.
471
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,534
(gasps)
472
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,836
-Please! We were
only trying to help!
473
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,972
-If you really wanna help,
you'll bring back Santa Claus!
474
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,876
-Did someone say my name?
475
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,245
-Santa Claus?
476
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:41,248
-Yes, but aren't we all?
477
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,849
-You seem at peace.
478
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:46,386
-The bag has given me
that which I desired,
479
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:49,589
knowledge of the true
meaning of Christmas.
480
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,657
-And what is it?
481
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,293
-That is for you to decide.
482
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,727
-Kind of a cop out.
483
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,365
-(crowd gasps)
484
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:02,502
-Santa, I-- I-- I don't know
if you remember,
485
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,004
but I never technically
asked for my gift.
486
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,806
-Worry not, Rex.
487
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,541
I have your back.
488
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,843
-(on TV)
* Merry Christmas
489
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,645
* Merry Christmas
490
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,481
-(TV turns off)
-(Rex, high-pitched)
Oh, hi there.
491
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,384
-A female Skidoo! How?
492
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,519
-I'm a present from Santa.
493
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,389
I'm here to show you
a good time.
494
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:26,826
Eh, although, Santa told me
you were a man of manners.
495
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,528
-My apologies.
496
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,499
-(Rex laughs)
-No! Rex!
497
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,867
You fiddledee-fuck-face!
498
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,538
You haven't seen
the last of me!
499
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:41,908
-Thank you, Santa.
500
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,777
-Did somebody say my name?
-(yelps) Oh.
501
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,813
Maybe we should find you
a place to stay.
502
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,815
Away... from here.
503
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:52,018
Well, Santa, this should be
a nice little getaway.
504
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,622
And I've seen you've already
made yourself at home.
505
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,590
You really do drink
a lotta milk, don't you?
506
00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:01,428
-Oh, Rex, the protein found
in milk is barbaric.
507
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,929
This is Soylent,
508
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,566
a drinkable meal
for a more evolved Santa.
509
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,436
I don't even need
cookies anymore.
510
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,003
-Spectacular!
So, look,
511
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,840
I think the people of Earth
are all on the same page.
512
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,376
They'll provide gifts
for their own children
513
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,311
and you could
take it easy down here.
514
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:19,646
-(laughs)
515
00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:21,047
Nonsense!
516
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:26,519
Tell one and all that
Santa will be back next year!
517
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:29,556
And it would be
in their best interest
518
00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:33,926
(emphatically)
to be very, very good.
519
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,362
-That sounds threatening.
520
00:21:35,395 --> 00:21:37,597
-Only if you've been bad, Rex.
521
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,499
(laughs)
522
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:43,403
-Pretty sure we just
created a monster.
523
00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:44,937
Merry Christmas, world!
524
00:21:46,939 --> 00:21:47,840
-Cooch:
Damn, dudes!
525
00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:50,810
This turkle-durka-jermski
is tasty as hell!
526
00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:52,879
-Cooch, that is the flavor
of many different
527
00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:55,948
and contradictory ideas
existing in harmony.
528
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,084
-And since we're surrounded
by friends and food,
529
00:21:58,117 --> 00:21:59,919
we decided that
instead of arguing
530
00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:02,422
about whose holiday is right,
the best way to enjoy it all
531
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:04,757
would be to just
shut the fuck up about it.
532
00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:07,794
And God bless us everyone!
533
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,830
And I mean God,
not that Yahweh bullshit.
534
00:22:10,863 --> 00:22:13,366
-Mr. Skibumpers:
So, not your
traditional Christmas,
535
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,801
no, not at all,
536
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,436
with me turned back
to wood,
537
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,104
because I tried
to fuck a doll.
538
00:22:18,137 --> 00:22:20,640
But one thing
is crystal clear
539
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,675
to this old, mean Skidoo:
540
00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:25,445
The holidays
only come alive
541
00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:28,014
when all of you do you.
542
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:29,716
Also, when I get out of here,
543
00:22:29,749 --> 00:22:31,083
I'm going to
murder all of you.
544
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,719
I hope that goes
without saying.
545
00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:33,853
Merry Christmas!
546
00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:35,354
-("Deck the Halls" playing)
547
00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:55,074
-Huh! Yeah!
(grunts)
548
00:22:56,743 --> 00:23:00,079
Ah-ha! Ah, this a little more
bone-chilling than I thought.
549
00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,949
I mean, usually I'd love it,
but on Christmas?
550
00:23:02,982 --> 00:23:04,617
Uh, hey. Hey, Dudley?
551
00:23:04,651 --> 00:23:07,687
I-- I need you to take
the PlayStation VR headset off.
552
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,489
I mean, I'd do it myself,
553
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,958
but I'm sort of paralyzed
with terror right now.
554
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:13,793
-Paralyzed, eh?
(gulping)
555
00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:17,464
Maybe I have
one more present for you.
Come to Mama!
556
00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:20,066
-Oh, God! Is that the game?
-Verushka: Where do you
think you're going?
557
00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:22,735
-Ah! Ah! Oh, God, too real!
-Verushka wants
a stocking stuffer!
558
00:23:22,769 --> 00:23:24,036
-Ah, it's too real!
559
00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:26,038
(cries)
It's too real!
560
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,840
-(monkey chirping)
-Man: Stoopid Monkey.
561
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,076
-(monkey chirps)
40922
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