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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:11,379 -Man: Gather around, children of all ages. 2 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,747 Actually, legally I have to ask that you're a child 3 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,484 above the age of 17, but if you're a cool nine-year-old 4 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,519 who figured out where to find Crackle, you're cool by us. 5 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,355 Anyway, this is the time of year 6 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,657 where families get on Amazon 7 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,260 and order slightly wrong versions of things 8 00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,561 their loved ones asked for. 9 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,198 No, not super-wrong, just wrong enough 10 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,400 that it's not worth your time to mail it back. 11 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,268 Amazon knows what it's doing. 12 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:36,237 Who am I, you ask? 13 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,172 You'll find out soon enough. 14 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,373 But for now, 15 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:42,376 let's check in on one of our heroes 16 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,579 enjoying a new American tradition. 17 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,482 -* Made some cookies just for Santa * 18 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,285 * Making sure he knows that I was good * 19 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:53,787 * Drank his milk, hope he likes Fanta * 20 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,724 * Dude is pretty fat, he probably would * 21 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,360 * Stockings full of quesadillas * 22 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,829 * How do Santa's elves keep them warm? * 23 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,632 * Getting bored of this song, see ya * 24 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,268 * Fuck did you expect? I'm just a cat * 25 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,138 -(laughs) The perfect 26 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,805 cornerstone to a traditional Christmas. 27 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:14,275 -(clanking) -You're almost there. 28 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,243 -(grunts) 29 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:18,146 Religious customs seem to be a lot of work, 30 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,747 but I'm sure it's all worth it in the end. 31 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,315 -What the hell is that? 32 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:22,716 -Happy holidays, Ranger. 33 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,752 -Um, you mean "Merry Christmas." 34 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,986 Jesus' birthday. 35 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:29,823 -Actually, December 25th was originally a pagan celebration 36 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,826 of the winter solstice co-opted by Western culture. 37 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,663 There's actually no way of knowing when Jesus was born. 38 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:39,233 -How very educational. 39 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,802 -* Heading out to see the family * 40 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,372 * Only person here who has a home * 41 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:47,175 -* Yeah, but don't your parents hate you? * 42 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,342 -Who asked you? 43 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:51,111 Your father was run over by a RAV4! -(door closes) 44 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,448 -Santa, I've been good all year. 45 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,151 Please, please, please let this be the Christmas 46 00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,352 you get me what I want. 47 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:01,789 And again, that is the V-Twin 800cc Dune Buggy. 48 00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:04,725 -Santa? -Ho-ho-ho-ho! 49 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,628 You caught me delivering your presents. 50 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:08,762 -Wait a minute. 51 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,731 I know that voice. 52 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:11,865 Rex! 53 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:15,436 Why are you sneaking around wearing Santa's clothes? 54 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,206 Where is he? What did you do with him? 55 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,740 -You got 10 seconds, man. -(cocks) 56 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,376 -I-- I dress up in this outfit every year 57 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,345 and hand out presents at orphanages. 58 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,514 -That's Santa's job. Five seconds! 59 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,417 -Cooch, I-- I don't know how to tell you this, 60 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:32,553 but there is no Santa Claus. 61 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,523 -W-w-w-what? 62 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,558 (pukes) 63 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,360 -(holiday music playing) 64 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,797 -Who gives us presents every year? 65 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,399 -Me. -Who eats the cookies 66 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,335 and drinks the milk we leave for Santa? 67 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,303 -Also me. -And the stockings? 68 00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:52,873 -Me. I pretend to be Santa on Christmas like many adults. 69 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,309 -So... what'd you get me? 70 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,344 -A scratching post. 71 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,479 -I wanted a dune buggy! 72 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,948 -Well, I want our furniture to last more than a year, 73 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,384 so we had to meet in the middle. 74 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,619 Look, I know this is coming as a shock. 75 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,521 I'm sorry, Cooch. 76 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,566 -May I take your bag, sir? 77 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,401 -Of course, Bunsen. 78 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,271 Well, what did you get me? 79 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:24,672 -Oh, I-- 80 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,741 all I have is this priceless pocket watch 81 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,278 my grandfather gave to me on his deathbed. 82 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,879 -You could've wrapped it. 83 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,849 That fucker knew I wanted an Apple Watch! 84 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,818 -(clatters) -Hi, big brother! 85 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,288 -Hey, Dudley! I'm not used to seeing you 86 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,323 without your head buried up Mom and Dad's ass! 87 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,392 -(laughs) You're so funny! 88 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:45,759 -By the way, where are they? 89 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,261 I want to open a present before bed. 90 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:48,696 -I am to play you this. 91 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,998 -(click) -Hello, boys. 92 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,667 Cliff and I decided to go to Hawaii for Christmas. 93 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,503 If it's gonna be some sort of thing 94 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,671 that we're not there, then, you know, 95 00:03:57,705 --> 00:04:02,042 just grab the remote and press "pause" now. 96 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,645 -So what, it's just me and you? This sucks! 97 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,415 Wait a minute. This means we can open our presents now! 98 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,951 -(clicks) -No, Verushka. 99 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:13,387 It's not Christmas morning yet. 100 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:16,023 -Why do you hate the holidays so much? 101 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,058 -Christmas is when the memories come. 102 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,795 My brother playing superhero with his new toys. 103 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:25,433 I had received a limited-edition Burfy. 104 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,901 -(Burfy babbling) -But brother pretended 105 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:32,740 it was my henchman, calling me Captain Bad Guy. -(Saturn laughs) 106 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,775 -He beat me mercilessly... -(oranges thud, squish) 107 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,977 -...with a stocking full of oranges. 108 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:41,081 -(Saturn shouting) -Then he stomped my Burfy to dust 109 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,916 before my eyes. 110 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,853 And now on this Christmas, 111 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,389 the feeling he created 112 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:52,760 will end him once and for all. 113 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,895 -Jewbot: It's called the holiday season 114 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:58,031 because Americans celebrate many different traditions. 115 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,868 -But Christmas is so obviously superior in every way! 116 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,504 The tree! A day of songs! Gifts! 117 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,772 -Hanukkah has gifts. 118 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,608 -And what is the relative quality of these gifts? 119 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,942 -We've lost this round. 120 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,711 Run! 121 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,546 -Yeah, I'll call you when I need a wooden top 122 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,881 and some wax, chocolate coins! 123 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,916 Christmas wins again! 124 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,486 -Hey, you mind if we clear some room for my Bendera? 125 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,021 My Kwanzaa flag! 126 00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,923 -What on God's Earth is happening? 127 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,859 -Santa ain't real. What's next? 128 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:26,927 Chalupas? 129 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,729 -(distant giggling) 130 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,531 -What was that? 131 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,066 -(giggling continues) 132 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,971 -A hidden door? 133 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,007 Could be a dune buggy in there. 134 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:50,017 "Danger, don't touch." 135 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,685 Well, that was your first mistake, 136 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:52,986 telling me what to do. 137 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,556 Now it's time to touch all this stuff! 138 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,725 "Gunchucks." 139 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,427 What's dangerous about these? 140 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,530 (screams) 141 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:07,367 -Man's voice: Hee-hee-skiddle-dee-dee, come on over and look at me. 142 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,839 -"Skiddle-dee-this, skiddle-dee-that, 143 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,408 "take a chance and return my hat. 144 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:16,910 "Skiddle-dee-do, skiddle-dee-dee, 145 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:20,748 freedom for me, and a wish for thee"? 146 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,650 -(gasps) -Go ahead. Make a wish. 147 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:23,951 Set me free. 148 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,619 -What are you? 149 00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,488 -I'm Mr. Skibumpers, 150 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,823 the skididdiest Skibumper you've ever skidooed. 151 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,125 What can I ski-dee for ye? 152 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,161 -Yeah, I picked up like none of that. 153 00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,763 -Your wish. What's your wish? 154 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,566 -Oh. Well, I guess... 155 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,000 -Ah-ah-ah. 156 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:43,136 I'll have my hat first. 157 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,473 -Bing Crosby: * My wonderful Christmas tree... * 158 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,975 -Ah, nothing like a few hours of Bing Crosby 159 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,477 to set the Christmas mood. 160 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,679 -Ranger, perhaps we should also include 161 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,080 some traditional Hanukkah music. 162 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,649 -(singing in Yiddish) 163 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,485 -Is someone sacrificing a goat? 164 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,787 -Why don't I slide on some Miriam Makeba? 165 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:00,988 Get a little Kwanzaa up in here. 166 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,190 -Guys, hang on to your dick bags! 167 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,958 It's a Christmas miracle! 168 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,794 -Ho-ho-ho! -(all gasp) 169 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,696 -Holy holiday shit. 170 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,632 -Santa Claus came to town! 171 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,236 -Cookies. -Cooch, you're telling us 172 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,038 that that's the real, live Santa Claus? 173 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,841 -Hell yes! Look at him go after those cookies! 174 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:21,942 -(slurps, spits) 175 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,678 Fanta? What the hell? 176 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,514 -Jesus! Sorry, dude! 177 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,717 -I mean, sure, if it was a nice summer's day. 178 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,251 But when you're expecting milk-- 179 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,986 -This isn't possible. 180 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,588 -Oh, really? 181 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,923 (humming) 182 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,594 -Shit! Is it too late for me to pin one of my socks up there? 183 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,730 -Well, team, I'm off to the orphanage. 184 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:43,797 What the hell? 185 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,766 -I could ask you the same thing. 186 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:49,136 Call me sensitive, but I don't find it amusing 187 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,204 when people dress in beard-face. 188 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,640 -Oh, shit. 189 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,608 -Yeah, that creepy little doll in your basement 190 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,144 granted me one wish, and I wished for Santa to be real. 191 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,780 -Cooch, no one is supposed to go down there! 192 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,749 That's where I keep the most dangerous weapons 193 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,150 the League has ever encountered! 194 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,586 -Skiddle-dee-dee, who me? 195 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,788 -Mr. Skibumpers. 196 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,857 -Who is Mr. Skibumpers? 197 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,292 -I'm glad you asked. 198 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,895 -(jazz music plays) 199 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,164 -* There's a place called Skeedle-Dee * 200 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,266 * A few stars past Skeedle Doo 201 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,234 * It's not too far from here 202 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,071 * It's just a universe or two 203 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,974 * You see Skeedle-Dee was boring * 204 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,809 * And that wouldn't do at all 205 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,878 * So I started spreading mischief * 206 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,614 * And was banished as a doll * 207 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,916 * Stranded on your planet 208 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,586 * My freedom had one key 209 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,688 * A mortal's wish gets granted 210 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,290 * And it's Skibumpers time! I'm free! * 211 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:46,093 -"Skibumpers time"? That's a good thing or... 212 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,327 -Bad! Very bad! 213 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,262 -* And now I won't beat around the bush * 214 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,799 * I'm here to give your world a push * 215 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,201 * To chaos, famine, and calamity * 216 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,604 * Beg and plead, it'll do no good * 217 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,006 * I'm only turnin' back to wood * 218 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,241 * If I remove this hat of my own free will * 219 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,776 -Doesn't quite rhyme. 220 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,246 -* Rex has tricked me in the past * 221 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,181 * But this time I'm not going back * 222 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:12,185 * Your misery brings me way too many smiles * 223 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,987 -How many verses does this thing have? -(music stops) 224 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,023 -What? What? Were you not enjoying that song? 225 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,758 It was really just for your benefit. 226 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,159 I mean, it is more work for me. 227 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,028 Yeah, how 'bout I just skip to the big finish? 228 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,932 -(music continues) -* Mr. Skibumpers 229 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:29,703 * Is here to stay! 230 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,239 -You son of a bitch! -Take it easy, Rex! 231 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,274 Santa Claus is real because of him! 232 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,209 -His wishes are traps! 233 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,046 Last time he got out, he tricked Captain Elastic 234 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,948 into wishing for a giant penis 235 00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,315 and the next thing we knew, 236 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,718 we were fighting a 400-foot rooster! 237 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,787 -He should have chosen his words more wisely. 238 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:47,888 -Come on, Rex. 239 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,658 Cooch asked for Santa to be real. Christmas wins! 240 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,992 All other holidays are now null and void! 241 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,961 -Now, wait a minute-- -No, I think he's got us. 242 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,363 -What harm could come from giving a gift 243 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,066 to every good boy and girl on Earth? 244 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:04,672 Which, according to this list, appears to be over 950 million children? 245 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,273 I better get moving. 246 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,375 Let's see here. Uh, American Ranger, 247 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,645 I believe you asked for one of these when you were five. 248 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:12,846 -A Shirley Temple doll. 249 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,684 My father beat me half to death just for asking for it. 250 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,285 -Hmm-hmm, Jew, Jew. 251 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:21,054 And what did you ask for, young lady? 252 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,155 -A dune buggy. 253 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,157 -Ho-ho! Now surely you see 254 00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,293 I can't fit a dune buggy into this-- 255 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,195 holy shit! 256 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:32,032 How did-- no, no, no. L-- let's not think about it. 257 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,366 Ho-ho-ho! 258 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,669 And for you, Titanium Rex? 259 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:39,372 I don't want anything from a Skibumper's abomination, 260 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,042 and I kindly ask you to leave my mansion. 261 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,877 -Sure, sure, just as soon as 262 00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:47,314 I give this Black Saturn fellow his gift. 263 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,116 -Saturn's not here. He went home. 264 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,450 Come on! I'll show you where he lives. 265 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,921 -(thumping) -Well, it sounds like my sleigh is on the roof! 266 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,089 Not sure of the best way to get up there. 267 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,457 Do you have a ladder or a-- 268 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,759 whoa! Help me! 269 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,828 -Santa! -It hurts! 270 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,295 (screams) 271 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,932 -You guys got any more of that Fanta? 272 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,469 -Another nesting doll? 273 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,172 What the frick?! -Mom let Verushka 274 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,841 do the Christmas shopping this year. 275 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,275 -This is worse than that year that they got me 276 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:19,012 a mail-order bride from Russia because they were "worried about me." 277 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,914 I wonder whatever happened to that wildebeest. 278 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,215 -Hey! That was me! 279 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,451 -It was my loss. You blossomed. 280 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,153 Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. 281 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,355 I did a little Christmas shopping for myself. 282 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,824 The entire Yeezy season one fashion line, 283 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:32,960 including Yeezy Boost 350s. 284 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,162 Not a whole lotta money left over for your gifts. 285 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,164 Like, you know, none. 286 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,398 -Look, brother! -(yelps) 287 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,000 -It's midnight. 288 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,803 It's officially Christmas morning. 289 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:46,039 You never opened my present. 290 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,174 -You got me a present? 291 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,976 This better be a freakin' Apple Watch! 292 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:52,813 -Do you remember when we used to play hero and villain? 293 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:56,216 -(cocks) -I thought we could play one last time. 294 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,251 -Ho-ho-ho! Ah! -(bones crack) 295 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:01,188 -(screams) Ah, my bones! 296 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,056 -Cooch: You okay, Santa? 297 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:06,259 Was that a chimney or a fucking gas line? 298 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,261 I mean, uh, ho-ho-ho! 299 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,297 Merry Christmas! 300 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,464 -Father Frost! 301 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,533 -No fucking way! 302 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,869 -Look, I'm in a hurry. Here's what your heart desires. 303 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,104 -"Resident Evil VII"? 304 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,072 That's impossible! This isn't even out yet! 305 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,541 -The bag made it. I'm not sure how, but-- 306 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,010 -Yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares? 307 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,544 I wanna play it! Outta my way! 308 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,279 -We did not ask for anything. 309 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:28,148 -The bag knows what you need. 310 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,850 It just knows! 311 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,853 Oh, God, looks like it's time to go! 312 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,288 Oh! Oh God! (screams) 313 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,959 -Sorry, Mom and Dad. 314 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,128 We're spending Christmas in a creepy house of horrors. 315 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,963 "Resident Evil VII," baby! 316 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,233 -(ding) -Ah! The centerpiece of any yuletide feast. 317 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,201 -What the-- -(all exclaiming) 318 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,537 -My Christmas turkey! -My Hanukkah latkes! 319 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,039 -My Kwanzaa jerk chicken! 320 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,275 -Do you see what happens when you open December 25th to all traditions? 321 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,510 -Hanukkah was celebrated long before Christmas. 322 00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,413 -Kwanzaa ain't gonna win this one, but it's not goin' anywhere! 323 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,614 -Uh, guys? 324 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:06,353 This latke and jerk chicken stuffed turkey is delicious! 325 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,221 -Well, there's one more. 326 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,924 Only a billion more to go! 327 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,193 -Could we not look at the hard numbers? 328 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,495 I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. 329 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,598 -Weird to think 30 minutes ago you didn't even exist. 330 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,533 And then, boom! Santa! 331 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,936 I wonder where you were before that? 332 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,437 -Does this thing have a radio or a-- 333 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,240 -Hey, do you think that bag could work me up a quesadilla? 334 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,077 -I don't think there's much that bag can't do. 335 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,111 -Let's take a look! 336 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,146 -(bag shrieking) 337 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:36,116 -(sobbing) * Silent night, holy night 338 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,086 * All is calm, all is bright 339 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,021 -Where's the adult programming? 340 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,356 -(channels changing) -I haven't seen a naked woman, Skidoo or otherwise, 341 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,925 in thousands of years. 342 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,860 -Ah, you should make yourself comfortable. 343 00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,495 Can I take your hat? 344 00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,931 -What is this? Freakin' amateur hour? 345 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:54,134 Mister, you're dealing with a trickster that knows all the tricks. 346 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,269 -Last time I told you there was bird shit on it. 347 00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,537 -Fuck you, Rex. 348 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,906 We were at the beach. 349 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,273 There were seagulls everywhere. 350 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,309 Fool me once, uh-- fuck you! 351 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,511 -Ah! Give-- give me this! Give-- -Ah-ah-ah. 352 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,046 You know the rule. 353 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:09,016 The hat only comes off if I take it off. 354 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,251 Now, are you gonna give me some privacy 355 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,453 or do I need to sing it out for ya? 356 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:16,223 * I'm gonna rub one out! 357 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,457 -Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no. 358 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,558 I'll give you privacy! 359 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,461 -Uh, it's gettin' cold. 360 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,096 How many houses have we done? 361 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,065 -1,256. 362 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,400 99 million homes to go. 363 00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:28,969 22 hours left. 364 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,071 I'd have to bend space and time. 365 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,240 -You doin' okay, dude? -Okay? 366 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:37,510 I've eaten almost 4,000 cookies and pounded 200 gallons of milk. 367 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,646 Why don't I have to go to the bathroom? 368 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,114 -You're Santa Claus, dude. 369 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,682 It doesn't have to all make sense. 370 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,750 Like-- like how do you know 371 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,419 if every kid on Earth has been naughty or nice? 372 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,556 -(children's voices) -I-- I can hear them. 373 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,424 Every child on Earth. 374 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,226 The black ones, red ones, white ones. 375 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:56,429 Some of the Jewish ones. Their voices filling my head! 376 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,065 Jessica wants a dolly. 377 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,567 Sammy wants his parents to get back together. 378 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,536 Get out. Get out. Get out of my mind! 379 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,339 The voices! Make them stop! 380 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,475 -Santa! Pull up, dude! 381 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:13,013 -I must silence the voices! -Ah! Shit, shit, shit! See ya! 382 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,014 -Banzai! 383 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,218 -Oh, no! Santa? 384 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,053 -Santa: I can't die. 385 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,155 (distorted) I am no man! 386 00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,691 I am a god! 387 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,194 (laughs) 388 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:31,331 Which one of you motherfuckers has been naughty? 389 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,737 -Alley-oop! 390 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,306 Strike! 391 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:40,540 -Those were handcrafted 392 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,675 by my mama in a Siberian work camp! 393 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:43,743 -Yeah. Great. Whatever. 394 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,013 Uh, could I get back to playing "Resident Evil"? 395 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,214 I wanna try the VR. 396 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,682 -But we haven't given you Dudley's gift yet. 397 00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,385 -League alert: Superhuman disturbance at Storm City Square. 398 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,221 All League members requested. 399 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,688 -Well, looks like you're doin' this one 400 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,224 "Home Alone" style, Dudley. 401 00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:58,458 I gotta go. 402 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,994 -Now, Dudley! We must kill him now! 403 00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,396 -Let him go, Verushka. 404 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,564 Let him go. 405 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:05,732 -(Burfy babbles) 406 00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:08,535 -A turkey stuffed with jerk chicken stuffed with latkes. 407 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,437 What do we agree on? It's delicious. 408 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,072 But to what tradition does it belong? 409 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,342 We should call it a Hannuzaamas lat-turk-jerk! 410 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,643 -No, no, no, how 'bout this, though? 411 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,011 Kwachriska jerky-la-turkey? 412 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,113 -If only there was a catch-all term 413 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,115 that included all of these traditions 414 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,051 while respecting their individuality. 415 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,053 -Oh, pick a side, Jewbot! 416 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,555 -Gear up! Santa's gone blood-crazy 417 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,324 and is tearing a chunk out of Storm City. 418 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,227 -Santa: Your god is here! 419 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:38,098 There is nowhere to run, for I am everywhere! 420 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,499 -Cooch, what happened? 421 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,068 -What do you want me to say, man? 422 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,402 I got Skibumpered. 423 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,438 -Okay, team, we hit him hard and we hit him fast. 424 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:49,542 Santa, you've got two seconds to pack up your fat red ass 425 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,311 and head back to the North Pole. 426 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,047 -But I have not given you your gift. 427 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,216 The gift of oblivion! 428 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,359 (shouts) 429 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,365 -Time to ring the Christmas bells, bitch! 430 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,800 -What? Well, then fuck you! 431 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:17,137 Ya! -(screams) 432 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,772 -Oh, Santa! This-- this isn't you! 433 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,509 You're supposed to be spreading yuletide cheer. 434 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,177 -You should welcome this! 435 00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,646 Join me, and together we will force 436 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:30,750 every other holiday to bow before Christmas! 437 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:34,454 -No. I used to think that was the American way, 438 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:38,125 but today I tasted a turkey that had been filled 439 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,728 with Jamaican chicken and Israeli potatoes. 440 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,231 All of this has been keeping other holidays down! 441 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,533 It's fascist! You're not Old Saint Nick! 442 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,501 You're Christmas Hitler! 443 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:52,105 And we're the Allies, allies of Christmas. 444 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,541 (screams) -(grunting) 445 00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,813 -Stop this! What is it you want? 446 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,682 -What do I desire? 447 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,486 No-- no one has ever asked me what I want. 448 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,356 How is it I know the desires of all humanity, 449 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,858 but my heart remains a mystery? 450 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:13,193 No! No, no, no, no! 451 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,128 This is a trick! I am a god! 452 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,564 What could I possibly desire? 453 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,599 -Shit, dude! Let's find out! 454 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,733 -Wait a-- 455 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,674 -Where did he go? -The bag, Rex. 456 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,809 He went into the bag. 457 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,814 -(whimsical music plays) 458 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,653 -It's so beautiful. 459 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,189 -Have no fear. 460 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,591 The League has neutralized Santa Claus. 461 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,359 Christmas is saved! 462 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,827 -But-- but how? 463 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:52,432 There can't be a Christmas without Santa. (cries) 464 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,601 -Of course there will still be a Christmas. 465 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:58,338 -Will there be? All our presents were in our van! 466 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,607 -Uh... 467 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,409 -(heavy breathing echoing) 468 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,313 (breathing continues) 469 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,850 -(hammering) 470 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,462 -(ding) -Oh, my. 471 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,534 (gasps) 472 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,836 -Please! We were only trying to help! 473 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,972 -If you really wanna help, you'll bring back Santa Claus! 474 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,876 -Did someone say my name? 475 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,245 -Santa Claus? 476 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:41,248 -Yes, but aren't we all? 477 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,849 -You seem at peace. 478 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:46,386 -The bag has given me that which I desired, 479 00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:49,589 knowledge of the true meaning of Christmas. 480 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,657 -And what is it? 481 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,293 -That is for you to decide. 482 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,727 -Kind of a cop out. 483 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,365 -(crowd gasps) 484 00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:02,502 -Santa, I-- I-- I don't know if you remember, 485 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,004 but I never technically asked for my gift. 486 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,806 -Worry not, Rex. 487 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,541 I have your back. 488 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,843 -(on TV) * Merry Christmas 489 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,645 * Merry Christmas 490 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,481 -(TV turns off) -(Rex, high-pitched) Oh, hi there. 491 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,384 -A female Skidoo! How? 492 00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,519 -I'm a present from Santa. 493 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,389 I'm here to show you a good time. 494 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:26,826 Eh, although, Santa told me you were a man of manners. 495 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,528 -My apologies. 496 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,499 -(Rex laughs) -No! Rex! 497 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,867 You fiddledee-fuck-face! 498 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,538 You haven't seen the last of me! 499 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:41,908 -Thank you, Santa. 500 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,777 -Did somebody say my name? -(yelps) Oh. 501 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,813 Maybe we should find you a place to stay. 502 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,815 Away... from here. 503 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:52,018 Well, Santa, this should be a nice little getaway. 504 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,622 And I've seen you've already made yourself at home. 505 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,590 You really do drink a lotta milk, don't you? 506 00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:01,428 -Oh, Rex, the protein found in milk is barbaric. 507 00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,929 This is Soylent, 508 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,566 a drinkable meal for a more evolved Santa. 509 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,436 I don't even need cookies anymore. 510 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,003 -Spectacular! So, look, 511 00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,840 I think the people of Earth are all on the same page. 512 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,376 They'll provide gifts for their own children 513 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,311 and you could take it easy down here. 514 00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:19,646 -(laughs) 515 00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:21,047 Nonsense! 516 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:26,519 Tell one and all that Santa will be back next year! 517 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:29,556 And it would be in their best interest 518 00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:33,926 (emphatically) to be very, very good. 519 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,362 -That sounds threatening. 520 00:21:35,395 --> 00:21:37,597 -Only if you've been bad, Rex. 521 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,499 (laughs) 522 00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:43,403 -Pretty sure we just created a monster. 523 00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:44,937 Merry Christmas, world! 524 00:21:46,939 --> 00:21:47,840 -Cooch: Damn, dudes! 525 00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:50,810 This turkle-durka-jermski is tasty as hell! 526 00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:52,879 -Cooch, that is the flavor of many different 527 00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:55,948 and contradictory ideas existing in harmony. 528 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,084 -And since we're surrounded by friends and food, 529 00:21:58,117 --> 00:21:59,919 we decided that instead of arguing 530 00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:02,422 about whose holiday is right, the best way to enjoy it all 531 00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:04,757 would be to just shut the fuck up about it. 532 00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:07,794 And God bless us everyone! 533 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,830 And I mean God, not that Yahweh bullshit. 534 00:22:10,863 --> 00:22:13,366 -Mr. Skibumpers: So, not your traditional Christmas, 535 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,801 no, not at all, 536 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,436 with me turned back to wood, 537 00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,104 because I tried to fuck a doll. 538 00:22:18,137 --> 00:22:20,640 But one thing is crystal clear 539 00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,675 to this old, mean Skidoo: 540 00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:25,445 The holidays only come alive 541 00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:28,014 when all of you do you. 542 00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:29,716 Also, when I get out of here, 543 00:22:29,749 --> 00:22:31,083 I'm going to murder all of you. 544 00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,719 I hope that goes without saying. 545 00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:33,853 Merry Christmas! 546 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:35,354 -("Deck the Halls" playing) 547 00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:55,074 -Huh! Yeah! (grunts) 548 00:22:56,743 --> 00:23:00,079 Ah-ha! Ah, this a little more bone-chilling than I thought. 549 00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,949 I mean, usually I'd love it, but on Christmas? 550 00:23:02,982 --> 00:23:04,617 Uh, hey. Hey, Dudley? 551 00:23:04,651 --> 00:23:07,687 I-- I need you to take the PlayStation VR headset off. 552 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,489 I mean, I'd do it myself, 553 00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,958 but I'm sort of paralyzed with terror right now. 554 00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:13,793 -Paralyzed, eh? (gulping) 555 00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:17,464 Maybe I have one more present for you. Come to Mama! 556 00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:20,066 -Oh, God! Is that the game? -Verushka: Where do you think you're going? 557 00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:22,735 -Ah! Ah! Oh, God, too real! -Verushka wants a stocking stuffer! 558 00:23:22,769 --> 00:23:24,036 -Ah, it's too real! 559 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:26,038 (cries) It's too real! 560 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,840 -(monkey chirping) -Man: Stoopid Monkey. 561 00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,076 -(monkey chirps) 40922

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