Original subtitles

-Man: Gather around, children of all ages.

Actually, legally I have to ask that you're a child

above the age of 17, but if you're a cool nine-year-old

who figured out where to find Crackle, you're cool by us.

Anyway, this is the time of year

where families get on Amazon

and order slightly wrong versions of things

their loved ones asked for.

No, not super-wrong, just wrong enough

that it's not worth your time to mail it back.

Amazon knows what it's doing.

Who am I, you ask?

You'll find out soon enough.

But for now,

let's check in on one of our heroes

enjoying a new American tradition.

-* Made some cookies just for Santa *

* Making sure he knows that I was good *

* Drank his milk, hope he likes Fanta *

* Dude is pretty fat, he probably would *

* Stockings full of quesadillas *

* How do Santa's elves keep them warm? *

* Getting bored of this song, see ya *

* Fuck did you expect? I'm just a cat *

-(laughs) The perfect

cornerstone to a traditional Christmas.

-(clanking) -You're almost there.

-(grunts)

Religious customs seem to be a lot of work,

but I'm sure it's all worth it in the end.

-What the hell is that?

-Happy holidays, Ranger.

-Um, you mean "Merry Christmas."

Jesus' birthday.

-Actually, December 25th was originally a pagan celebration

of the winter solstice co-opted by Western culture.

There's actually no way of knowing when Jesus was born.

-How very educational.

-* Heading out to see the family *

* Only person here who has a home *

-* Yeah, but don't your parents hate you? *

-Who asked you?

Your father was run over by a RAV4! -(door closes)

-Santa, I've been good all year.

Please, please, please let this be the Christmas

you get me what I want.

And again, that is the V-Twin 800cc Dune Buggy.

-Santa? -Ho-ho-ho-ho!

You caught me delivering your presents.

-Wait a minute.

I know that voice.

Rex!

Why are you sneaking around wearing Santa's clothes?

Where is he? What did you do with him?

-You got 10 seconds, man. -(cocks)

-I-- I dress up in this outfit every year

and hand out presents at orphanages.

-That's Santa's job. Five seconds!

-Cooch, I-- I don't know how to tell you this,

but there is no Santa Claus.

-W-w-w-what?

(pukes)

-(holiday music playing)

-Who gives us presents every year?

-Me. -Who eats the cookies

and drinks the milk we leave for Santa?

-Also me. -And the stockings?

-Me. I pretend to be Santa on Christmas like many adults.

-So... what'd you get me?

-A scratching post.

-I wanted a dune buggy!

-Well, I want our furniture to last more than a year,

so we had to meet in the middle.

Look, I know this is coming as a shock.

I'm sorry, Cooch.

-May I take your bag, sir?

-Of course, Bunsen.

Well, what did you get me?

-Oh, I--

all I have is this priceless pocket watch

my grandfather gave to me on his deathbed.

-You could've wrapped it.

That fucker knew I wanted an Apple Watch!

-(clatters) -Hi, big brother!

-Hey, Dudley! I'm not used to seeing you

without your head buried up Mom and Dad's ass!

-(laughs) You're so funny!

-By the way, where are they?

I want to open a present before bed.

-I am to play you this.

-(click) -Hello, boys.

Cliff and I decided to go to Hawaii for Christmas.

If it's gonna be some sort of thing

that we're not there, then, you know,

just grab the remote and press "pause" now.

-So what, it's just me and you? This sucks!

Wait a minute. This means we can open our presents now!

-(clicks) -No, Verushka.

It's not Christmas morning yet.

-Why do you hate the holidays so much?

-Christmas is when the memories come.

My brother playing superhero with his new toys.

I had received a limited-edition Burfy.

-(Burfy babbling) -But brother pretended

it was my henchman, calling me Captain Bad Guy. -(Saturn laughs)

-He beat me mercilessly... -(oranges thud, squish)

-...with a stocking full of oranges.

-(Saturn shouting) -Then he stomped my Burfy to dust

before my eyes.

And now on this Christmas,

the feeling he created

will end him once and for all.

-Jewbot: It's called the holiday season

because Americans celebrate many different traditions.

-But Christmas is so obviously superior in every way!

The tree! A day of songs! Gifts!

-Hanukkah has gifts.

-And what is the relative quality of these gifts?

-We've lost this round.

Run!

-Yeah, I'll call you when I need a wooden top

and some wax, chocolate coins!

Christmas wins again!

-Hey, you mind if we clear some room for my Bendera?

My Kwanzaa flag!

-What on God's Earth is happening?

-Santa ain't real. What's next?

Chalupas?

-(distant giggling)

-What was that?

-(giggling continues)

-A hidden door?

Could be a dune buggy in there.

"Danger, don't touch."

Well, that was your first mistake,

telling me what to do.

Now it's time to touch all this stuff!

"Gunchucks."

What's dangerous about these?

(screams)

-Man's voice: Hee-hee-skiddle-dee-dee, come on over and look at me.

-"Skiddle-dee-this, skiddle-dee-that,

"take a chance and return my hat.

"Skiddle-dee-do, skiddle-dee-dee,

freedom for me, and a wish for thee"?

-(gasps) -Go ahead. Make a wish.

Set me free.

-What are you?

-I'm Mr. Skibumpers,

the skididdiest Skibumper you've ever skidooed.

What can I ski-dee for ye?

-Yeah, I picked up like none of that.

-Your wish. What's your wish?

-Oh. Well, I guess...

-Ah-ah-ah.

I'll have my hat first.

-Bing Crosby: * My wonderful Christmas tree... *

-Ah, nothing like a few hours of Bing Crosby

to set the Christmas mood.

-Ranger, perhaps we should also include

some traditional Hanukkah music.

-(singing in Yiddish)

-Is someone sacrificing a goat?

-Why don't I slide on some Miriam Makeba?

Get a little Kwanzaa up in here.

-Guys, hang on to your dick bags!

It's a Christmas miracle!

-Ho-ho-ho! -(all gasp)

-Holy holiday shit.

-Santa Claus came to town!

-Cookies. -Cooch, you're telling us

that that's the real, live Santa Claus?

-Hell yes! Look at him go after those cookies!

-(slurps, spits)

Fanta? What the hell?

-Jesus! Sorry, dude!

-I mean, sure, if it was a nice summer's day.

But when you're expecting milk--

-This isn't possible.

-Oh, really?

(humming)

-Shit! Is it too late for me to pin one of my socks up there?

-Well, team, I'm off to the orphanage.

What the hell?

-I could ask you the same thing.

Call me sensitive, but I don't find it amusing

when people dress in beard-face.

-Oh, shit.

-Yeah, that creepy little doll in your basement

granted me one wish, and I wished for Santa to be real.

-Cooch, no one is supposed to go down there!

That's where I keep the most dangerous weapons

the League has ever encountered!

-Skiddle-dee-dee, who me?

-Mr. Skibumpers.

-Who is Mr. Skibumpers?

-I'm glad you asked.

-(jazz music plays)

-* There's a place called Skeedle-Dee *

* A few stars past Skeedle Doo

* It's not too far from here

* It's just a universe or two

* You see Skeedle-Dee was boring *

* And that wouldn't do at all

* So I started spreading mischief *

* And was banished as a doll *

* Stranded on your planet

* My freedom had one key

* A mortal's wish gets granted

* And it's Skibumpers time! I'm free! *

-"Skibumpers time"? That's a good thing or...

-Bad! Very bad!

-* And now I won't beat around the bush *

* I'm here to give your world a push *

* To chaos, famine, and calamity *

* Beg and plead, it'll do no good *

* I'm only turnin' back to wood *

* If I remove this hat of my own free will *

-Doesn't quite rhyme.

-* Rex has tricked me in the past *

* But this time I'm not going back *

* Your misery brings me way too many smiles *

-How many verses does this thing have? -(music stops)

-What? What? Were you not enjoying that song?

It was really just for your benefit.

I mean, it is more work for me.

Yeah, how 'bout I just skip to the big finish?

-(music continues) -* Mr. Skibumpers

* Is here to stay!

-You son of a bitch! -Take it easy, Rex!

Santa Claus is real because of him!

-His wishes are traps!

Last time he got out, he tricked Captain Elastic

into wishing for a giant penis

and the next thing we knew,

we were fighting a 400-foot rooster!

-He should have chosen his words more wisely.

-Come on, Rex.

Cooch asked for Santa to be real. Christmas wins!

All other holidays are now null and void!

-Now, wait a minute-- -No, I think he's got us.

-What harm could come from giving a gift

to every good boy and girl on Earth?

Which, according to this list, appears to be over 950 million children?

I better get moving.

Let's see here. Uh, American Ranger,

I believe you asked for one of these when you were five.

-A Shirley Temple doll.

My father beat me half to death just for asking for it.

-Hmm-hmm, Jew, Jew.

And what did you ask for, young lady?

-A dune buggy.

-Ho-ho! Now surely you see

I can't fit a dune buggy into this--

holy shit!

How did-- no, no, no. L-- let's not think about it.

Ho-ho-ho!

And for you, Titanium Rex?

I don't want anything from a Skibumper's abomination,

and I kindly ask you to leave my mansion.

-Sure, sure, just as soon as

I give this Black Saturn fellow his gift.

-Saturn's not here. He went home.

Come on! I'll show you where he lives.

-(thumping) -Well, it sounds like my sleigh is on the roof!

Not sure of the best way to get up there.

Do you have a ladder or a--

whoa! Help me!

-Santa! -It hurts!

(screams)

-You guys got any more of that Fanta?

-Another nesting doll?

What the frick?! -Mom let Verushka

do the Christmas shopping this year.

-This is worse than that year that they got me

a mail-order bride from Russia because they were "worried about me."

I wonder whatever happened to that wildebeest.

-Hey! That was me!

-It was my loss. You blossomed.

Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

I did a little Christmas shopping for myself.

The entire Yeezy season one fashion line,

including Yeezy Boost 350s.

Not a whole lotta money left over for your gifts.

Like, you know, none.

-Look, brother! -(yelps)

-It's midnight.

It's officially Christmas morning.

You never opened my present.

-You got me a present?

This better be a freakin' Apple Watch!

-Do you remember when we used to play hero and villain?

-(cocks) -I thought we could play one last time.

-Ho-ho-ho! Ah! -(bones crack)

-(screams) Ah, my bones!

-Cooch: You okay, Santa?

Was that a chimney or a fucking gas line?

I mean, uh, ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

-Father Frost!

-No fucking way!

-Look, I'm in a hurry. Here's what your heart desires.

-"Resident Evil VII"?

That's impossible! This isn't even out yet!

-The bag made it. I'm not sure how, but--

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares?

I wanna play it! Outta my way!

-We did not ask for anything.

-The bag knows what you need.

It just knows!

Oh, God, looks like it's time to go!

Oh! Oh God! (screams)

-Sorry, Mom and Dad.

We're spending Christmas in a creepy house of horrors.

"Resident Evil VII," baby!

-(ding) -Ah! The centerpiece of any yuletide feast.

-What the-- -(all exclaiming)

-My Christmas turkey! -My Hanukkah latkes!

-My Kwanzaa jerk chicken!

-Do you see what happens when you open December 25th to all traditions?

-Hanukkah was celebrated long before Christmas.

-Kwanzaa ain't gonna win this one, but it's not goin' anywhere!

-Uh, guys?

This latke and jerk chicken stuffed turkey is delicious!

-Well, there's one more.

Only a billion more to go!

-Could we not look at the hard numbers?

I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed.

-Weird to think 30 minutes ago you didn't even exist.

And then, boom! Santa!

I wonder where you were before that?

-Does this thing have a radio or a--

-Hey, do you think that bag could work me up a quesadilla?

-I don't think there's much that bag can't do.

-Let's take a look!

-(bag shrieking)

-(sobbing) * Silent night, holy night

* All is calm, all is bright

-Where's the adult programming?

-(channels changing) -I haven't seen a naked woman, Skidoo or otherwise,

in thousands of years.

-Ah, you should make yourself comfortable.

Can I take your hat?

-What is this? Freakin' amateur hour?

Mister, you're dealing with a trickster that knows all the tricks.

-Last time I told you there was bird shit on it.

-Fuck you, Rex.

We were at the beach.

There were seagulls everywhere.

Fool me once, uh-- fuck you!

-Ah! Give-- give me this! Give-- -Ah-ah-ah.

You know the rule.

The hat only comes off if I take it off.

Now, are you gonna give me some privacy

or do I need to sing it out for ya?

* I'm gonna rub one out!

-Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no.

I'll give you privacy!

-Uh, it's gettin' cold.

How many houses have we done?

-1,256.

99 million homes to go.

22 hours left.

I'd have to bend space and time.

-You doin' okay, dude? -Okay?

I've eaten almost 4,000 cookies and pounded 200 gallons of milk.

Why don't I have to go to the bathroom?

-You're Santa Claus, dude.

It doesn't have to all make sense.

Like-- like how do you know

if every kid on Earth has been naughty or nice?

-(children's voices) -I-- I can hear them.

Every child on Earth.

The black ones, red ones, white ones.

Some of the Jewish ones. Their voices filling my head!

Jessica wants a dolly.

Sammy wants his parents to get back together.

Get out. Get out. Get out of my mind!

The voices! Make them stop!

-Santa! Pull up, dude!

-I must silence the voices! -Ah! Shit, shit, shit! See ya!

-Banzai!

-Oh, no! Santa?

-Santa: I can't die.

(distorted) I am no man!

I am a god!

(laughs)

Which one of you motherfuckers has been naughty?

-Alley-oop!

Strike!

-Those were handcrafted

by my mama in a Siberian work camp!

-Yeah. Great. Whatever.

Uh, could I get back to playing "Resident Evil"?

I wanna try the VR.

-But we haven't given you Dudley's gift yet.

-League alert: Superhuman disturbance at Storm City Square.

All League members requested.

-Well, looks like you're doin' this one

"Home Alone" style, Dudley.

I gotta go.

-Now, Dudley! We must kill him now!

-Let him go, Verushka.

Let him go.

-(Burfy babbles)

-A turkey stuffed with jerk chicken stuffed with latkes.

What do we agree on? It's delicious.

But to what tradition does it belong?

We should call it a Hannuzaamas lat-turk-jerk!

-No, no, no, how 'bout this, though?

Kwachriska jerky-la-turkey?

-If only there was a catch-all term

that included all of these traditions

while respecting their individuality.

-Oh, pick a side, Jewbot!

-Gear up! Santa's gone blood-crazy

and is tearing a chunk out of Storm City.

-Santa: Your god is here!

There is nowhere to run, for I am everywhere!

-Cooch, what happened?

-What do you want me to say, man?

I got Skibumpered.

-Okay, team, we hit him hard and we hit him fast.

Santa, you've got two seconds to pack up your fat red ass

and head back to the North Pole.

-But I have not given you your gift.

The gift of oblivion!

(shouts)

-Time to ring the Christmas bells, bitch!

-What? Well, then fuck you!

Ya! -(screams)

-Oh, Santa! This-- this isn't you!

You're supposed to be spreading yuletide cheer.

-You should welcome this!

Join me, and together we will force

every other holiday to bow before Christmas!

-No. I used to think that was the American way,

but today I tasted a turkey that had been filled

with Jamaican chicken and Israeli potatoes.

All of this has been keeping other holidays down!

It's fascist! You're not Old Saint Nick!

You're Christmas Hitler!

And we're the Allies, allies of Christmas.

(screams) -(grunting)

-Stop this! What is it you want?

-What do I desire?

No-- no one has ever asked me what I want.

How is it I know the desires of all humanity,

but my heart remains a mystery?

No! No, no, no, no!

This is a trick! I am a god!

What could I possibly desire?

-Shit, dude! Let's find out!

-Wait a--

-Where did he go? -The bag, Rex.

He went into the bag.

-(whimsical music plays)

-It's so beautiful.

-Have no fear.

The League has neutralized Santa Claus.

Christmas is saved!

-But-- but how?

There can't be a Christmas without Santa. (cries)

-Of course there will still be a Christmas.

-Will there be? All our presents were in our van!

-Uh...

-(heavy breathing echoing)

(breathing continues)

-(hammering)

-(ding) -Oh, my.

(gasps)

-Please! We were only trying to help!

-If you really wanna help, you'll bring back Santa Claus!

-Did someone say my name?

-Santa Claus?

-Yes, but aren't we all?

-You seem at peace.

-The bag has given me that which I desired,

knowledge of the true meaning of Christmas.

-And what is it?

-That is for you to decide.

-Kind of a cop out.

-(crowd gasps)

-Santa, I-- I-- I don't know if you remember,

but I never technically asked for my gift.

-Worry not, Rex.

I have your back.

-(on TV) * Merry Christmas

* Merry Christmas

-(TV turns off) -(Rex, high-pitched) Oh, hi there.

-A female Skidoo! How?

-I'm a present from Santa.

I'm here to show you a good time.

Eh, although, Santa told me you were a man of manners.

-My apologies.

-(Rex laughs) -No! Rex!

You fiddledee-fuck-face!

You haven't seen the last of me!

-Thank you, Santa.

-Did somebody say my name? -(yelps) Oh.

Maybe we should find you a place to stay.

Away... from here.

Well, Santa, this should be a nice little getaway.

And I've seen you've already made yourself at home.

You really do drink a lotta milk, don't you?

-Oh, Rex, the protein found in milk is barbaric.

This is Soylent,

a drinkable meal for a more evolved Santa.

I don't even need cookies anymore.

-Spectacular! So, look,

I think the people of Earth are all on the same page.

They'll provide gifts for their own children

and you could take it easy down here.

-(laughs)

Nonsense!

Tell one and all that Santa will be back next year!

And it would be in their best interest

(emphatically) to be very, very good.

-That sounds threatening.

-Only if you've been bad, Rex.

(laughs)

-Pretty sure we just created a monster.

Merry Christmas, world!

-Cooch: Damn, dudes!

This turkle-durka-jermski is tasty as hell!

-Cooch, that is the flavor of many different

and contradictory ideas existing in harmony.

-And since we're surrounded by friends and food,

we decided that instead of arguing

about whose holiday is right, the best way to enjoy it all

would be to just shut the fuck up about it.

And God bless us everyone!

And I mean God, not that Yahweh bullshit.

-Mr. Skibumpers: So, not your traditional Christmas,

no, not at all,

with me turned back to wood,

because I tried to fuck a doll.

But one thing is crystal clear

to this old, mean Skidoo:

The holidays only come alive

when all of you do you.

Also, when I get out of here,

I'm going to murder all of you.

I hope that goes without saying.

Merry Christmas!

-("Deck the Halls" playing)

-Huh! Yeah! (grunts)

Ah-ha! Ah, this a little more bone-chilling than I thought.

I mean, usually I'd love it, but on Christmas?

Uh, hey. Hey, Dudley?

I-- I need you to take the PlayStation VR headset off.

I mean, I'd do it myself,

but I'm sort of paralyzed with terror right now.

-Paralyzed, eh? (gulping)

Maybe I have one more present for you. Come to Mama!

-Oh, God! Is that the game? -Verushka: Where do you think you're going?

-Ah! Ah! Oh, God, too real! -Verushka wants a stocking stuffer!

-Ah, it's too real!

(cries) It's too real!

-(monkey chirping) -Man: Stoopid Monkey.

-(monkey chirps)