Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Miss Stoker, pleasure to see you again.

I'm sure.

Who's your friend?

My name is Xavier, Miss Stoker.

I led the team that found the book.

Call me Monica.

My apologies.

What happened to your hand?

Er, well, it's, it's...

Complicated?

Highly abnormal.

The book is not meant to be touched by mortal man.

Well, let's see it then.

Miss Stoker, I wouldn't.

It's beautiful.

Happy?

Very.

The scarabs as we discussed.

My word is my bond.

Kayla.

You're lucky you're not my type.

Super Hot Pizza.

You're late.

I'm sorry.

I ordered 40 minutes ago,

and if it's 30 minutes or longer,

I actually get the pizza for free.

That's actually not our policy.

You might be thinking of Dominoes,

they're right next to us.

Well, I'm not paying.

Well, I'm not giving you a pizza.

I'll review on Yelp and I can put you out of business.

You know what would really put us out of business

would be giving away, like, free pizza, so.

- Nice hat, Jackie. - What a loser.

It's been a pleasure, my friends,

but this, this is officially my last delivery,

this here Super Hot pizza.

What do you want, a fuckin' parade?

I'll miss you too, Ed.

Turn in your uniform and get the hell out of my life.

Love you too.

No more employee discounts either.

This is a restaurant, not a pension.

Hey, Jackie.

Hey, Carl.

Hey, so you're not going to college this year, right?

No, I'm taking a gap.

Okay, well, I have this business opportunity

that you might be interested in.

You smoke weed, right?

No.

Have you ever thought about selling it before?

Bye, Carl.

Hey, you don't want to keep these as a souvenir?

No, I am good.

Okay, bye Jackie.

I'm free.

Yes!

What if, what if Avengers was cast in the '90s?

Nick Fury.

Morgan Freeman.

No, no, no, Sam Jackson would still be Nick Fury.

No, Denzil would be Nick Fury,

and Uma Thurman would be Black Widow.

Well then, who would Sam Jackson be?

Would the movies be the same or '90s cheesy?

Every movie would be exactly the same,

but cast in the '90s.

DiCaprio as Spider-Man.

Michael Douglas is Ant-Man.

Michael Douglas is Ant-Man.

Exactly.

So what about the Guardians?

Okay.

Star-Lord would be Adam Sandler.

Sandra Bullock would be Gamora, obviously.

Then we got a Drax would be Bruce Willis, without a doubt.

Then Rocket would be voiced by Jack Nicholson,

and then Vin Diesel would still be Groot.

Okay, okay, how about this?

Hawkeye, Antonio Banderas,

Captain America, Brad Pitt obviously.

Bucky would be Sean Penn

and Falcon would be, ooh, Eddie Murphy.

Not just that.

Team Ironman would be Tom Cruise,

DiCaprio as Spider-Man,

Ralph Fiennes as Vision,

Lawrence Fishburne as a Black Panther,

and Don Cheadle as still playing War Machine.

Yeah, yeah, I'm down with that.

What if Star Wars was cast in the '90s?

Nope, nope, no, no, no, mm mm.

Do you have any Cactus Coolers?

No, just Dr. Pepper.

Man.

Um, what time's the movie?

There is a 6:30 and a 9:30,

but everybody's going to the 6:30.

Er, I have to work, so I'll be there after.

You have work?

Tonight?

Yeah, just because you stopped working today,

doesn't mean that the whole world's on vacation.

So it's just gonna be me and Sam?

Sam and I.

Look, it's only gonna be for a few hours,

and I've seen the movie before.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's not about the movie,

it's the fact that we have two weeks left to hang out.

Oh, are you gonna die without me?

No.

Maybe.

You'll be fine for six hours without me.

What about Sam?

What about me?

What if there's girls there?

Girls only talk to us when you're there.

Girls come up and talk to you all the time,

and unlike you two, I have rent to pay next year.

Your guilt trips have no power on me, Skywalker.

God, and you wonder why you're single, mm.

Fortunately, I know why I'm single, thank you.

If you knew why, you wouldn't be single.

Shit.

She's not supposed to move until Sunday.

I don't think she got memo.

You should go help her pack, Jackie.

No, that's creepy.

No, what you're doing now is creepy.

Just go talk to her.

No.

We were supposed to hang out tonight before she left.

Go talk to her then.

Yeah, Jackie, fuck the movies.

I can't.

And why not?

I,

I flirted with her on accident.

And?

The week when I was home sick she texted me,

and you know, it was just a normal hey, how you doing text.

Get to the point where you flirted.

You know, we were joking around about movies and stuff,

you know, but I'm a little loopy,

'cause I'm about to pass out from this NyQuil.

She says, "What are you watching now?"

To which I say, "Come over and see,"

to which she replied, "Oh yeah?"

With a winky face emoji.

Ooh, so what happened?

Nothing.

I fell asleep and I haven't texted her back.

You left her on read?

On a flirt text?

I know.

I don't know what to do.

Okay, okay, you just need to go over there,

act like nothing happened, and help her pack.

That's gonna be awkward.

Jackie, I'll make it awkward if you don't go over there.

Fine.

Hey.

You're moving?

Yeah.

Today?

Yeah.

Oh, I know we were supposed to hang out this weekend,

but I'm moving, so.

Jackie.

Hi.

Jackie, this is Brad, who I've been telling you about.

Nice to meet you.

How's it going, dude?

It's nice to finally put a face to the name, huh?

Yeah, you too.

Um, I was just wondering if you guys, like, needed any help?

Oh, no, Brad's got it covered.

I'm actually not even moving completely

out of my parents' house,

just in case things don't work out for some reason.

You're moving in together?

No, no, my folks are super religious,

so that'd be like declaring war in my house.

Didn't I tell you?

I'm moving into the Sheredin house.

Sorority?

She says it's not a sorority, but it is.

It's not a sorority.

But anyways, it's, like, across town,

so actually if you wanna hang out tonight,

we can if you want?

It's all right.

Actually, I've a movie to catch, so.

Oh?

But you can come by after.

Hey, what movie?

The Thing.

'82 or 2011?

'82.

Nice.

Well, why don't we just plan to catch up

some time later in the week?

Great.

I've had nightmares that went better than that.

We were across the street,

and I was embarrassed to be there.

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

Have you ever been friend zoned

by a girl and her boyfriend at the same time?

No.

How was Brad?

He's amazing, that's the problem.

You know, he goes to church with my grandma.

Okay, does it bother anyone else that he's old?

He's 25.

I know, but Carmen's 19.

Would you date somebody that's 25?

Oh, hell yeah.

Just kill me please.

Maybe later, you have to drop me off at my house,

I'm late for work.

Traitor.

Get up and get in the car,

or I'll break something expensive.

I'll text you guys after I get off work.

How's it hanging, guys?

Slightly to the left, Mr. Campbell.

I want you to know, someone tried to sell us drugs today,

and Kevin bought them all, out of the goodness of his heart.

Oh, there's no more I can teach him.

So what are you gonna do when Kevin leaves?

I think Kel and I are gonna start hosting swinger parties.

Ooh, kinky.

I'll tell my folks.

See you guys later.

Bye, Mr. Campbell.

Bye, Jackie.

If you could have any prop from any movie,

what would it be?

One I don't already have?

Obviously.

Er, the Delorean.

That's a car.

You said any prop.

I meant something practical.

You know, something that you can fit in your room.

The mecha-glove from Hellboy.

Yeah, Adam Savage made one and would like my own.

What about you?

Nada's sunglasses, from They Live.

That's it?

They're magic sunglasses, I like magic.

Not trying to bash your fandom or anything.

I think you should email ILM.

Why?

Well, because you love building models,

you talk about miniatures all the time,

and you're the biggest movie nerd I know.

I just think that it'd be worth getting an internship.

They don't, er, they don't film miniatures anymore.

So you don't think that they'd be excited

about a young woman interested in models and miniatures?

I don't know, it's ILM.

Just trying to help, Jackie.

Do you have any Bandai model kits?

Does it look like we do?

Yeah.

You bet your ass we do.

I'm looking for Gundam.

Where do Wookies come from?

Kashyyyk.

Is this a test?

Spike, Jet, Faye, Ed, Ein.

Cowboy Bebop.

Who pilots the Ghost?

Hera Syndulla.

Major Chip Hazard.

Small Soldiers.

I got a Perfect Grade RX-78-2, last one in stock.

That's all right, I just need the regular version.

Excuse me?

Um, the Perfect Grade is a little more expensive,

I just need the regular one.

You disgust me.

Why?

Do you own Back to the Future on Blu-ray or DVD?

Blu-ray.

Why?

Better quality.

Does it cost more?

Little bit.

Exactly.

Perfect Grade is the Blu-ray.

Wow.

That'll be $400.

What?

You're moping over Carmen, and it's pathetic.

I'm not moping.

You can't mope, you know why?

No, but I feel like you're gonna tell me.

I'm gonna tell you something important.

Something someone special once told me.

Okay.

No woman will ever appreciate you, Jackie.

That's it?

Yeah.

Who the hell told you that?

My mom.

You don't, you don't get it?

That's depressing, Sam.

Carmen is just a girl.

She not even that cute.

It's not about her, okay?

So you admit you're moping.

I'm not moping, I'm just bummed out.

Lay it on me.

Kevin's gone in two weeks,

and you're leaving the next day.

So?

You can't spend five months without us?

It's more than just the, Sam, okay?

You know that.

You're making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.

You're going to Chicago with your dad,

Kevin's going to college,

and I'm just gonna be here.

By myself, trying to figure shit out.

And?

Everything is gonna be different,

and we're not gonna be the same friends when you get back.

You don't know that.

Yes I do, okay?

We haven't spent more than a couple of weeks apart

since the seventh grade.

Damn Jackie, you act like we're not coming back.

Look, I know this shit with your dad leaving is fucked up,

but we're your best friends.

Pull over!

What did I say?

Pull over.

Look.

Turn down the music.

I can't.

Fixed it.

One man must stop his best friend from being an idiot.

Again.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

what?

What are you doing?

I'm saving you.

From what?

From being an idiot.

You can't just walk up to the house.

Why not? She just left.

Stick with me for one second.

It's a sorority house.

Technically, it's not, and would you let go?

That's not the point, okay?

There are girls in that house.

If they see you creeping, they will tell Carmen.

Just wanted to check it out, okay?

Come on, I like this new found confidence you have,

but you need to trust your old friend Sam, okay?

You wanna do what?

I just wanna take this delivery in one of the cars.

I don't know if you remember,

but you don't work here anymore.

And I don't like you.

I know, it's just that I called in this order

and I wanna be the one to deliver it.

To yourself?

It's complicated.

Uncomplicate it.

Listen, Eddie, we're trying to get laid.

All we need is the car, shirt and hat.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Repeat it back to me.

You deliver the pizza.

Carmen will open the door.

She'll say, "I didn't order a pizza."

You'll say, "It must be a prank."

She'll be excited to see you,

so she'll invite you in, introduce you to her friends,

that's when you work me into the conversation,

that's when I'll sling by and join the party.

This sounds like a really bad idea.

Like, a really bad idea.

Well, I think it's a pretty good idea.

Really?

'Cause it sounds like the embarrassing things

we have to do when Kevin's not here.

Jackie, look at me.

That house is full of beautiful women.

We don't even know that.

Jackie, you have the golden ticket.

By some miracle, you're friends with Willy Wonka.

We both like chocolate.

Now, get us into that chocolate factory.

Okay, I can do this.

I believe in you.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Shut up, Sam.

Are you lost?

No, somebody ordered a pizza.

Nobody ordered a pizza.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Would you like to come inside?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes!

Yes!

It's Jackie, right?

Er, yeah, yeah, Jackie Polidori.

Ladies, this is Jackie.

Jackie, this is Layla, Kayla, and Zoe.

And I'm Monica.

Can I help you with that?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Zoe.

Sit.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you thirsty?

Yeah, um, actually, I'd love a soda if that's all right.

Hello.

Ooh, more ladies.

Hang on.

You know, I think it's funny,

'cause my friend Kevin, he doesn't like Phantom Menace,

but my friend Sam,

who's a great guy by the way,

thinks Jar Jar's hilarious, so I'm not-

Hey guys, sorry I'm late,

I had to pick up one last box at my parents'.

Jackie.

Hi, Carmen.

What are you doing here?

Um, well, somebody ordered a pizza,

so I came running.

Why didn't you tell us about your friend?

I don't know, I,

er, Jackie, did you know this was my new place?

Not a clue.

Jackie Polidori, you are my hero.

Anyone thirsty?

Yep.

Good shoes.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Jack!

Kie, oh.

Hi, ladies.

Who are you?

This is my friend Sam I was telling you about.

Jackie, er, we're gonna be late for that movie,

and we need to go now.

What are you doing?

So sorry for the intrusion, ladies.

You have a beautiful house.

So sorry, everybody, but, hi.

- Hi. - Bye.

I like your friends.

Sam, are you fucking high?

Jackie, get in the car.

Jackie, get in the car or I'll kill you myself.

What are you talking about?

Jackie, get in the car.

You're freaking me out, Sam.

You're freaked out?

I just saw a dead guy in your girlfriend's trashcan.

What?

Body parts, Jackie, human body parts.

Mixed in with the pizza and shit.

And I also saw one of the hot chicks poison the drinks.

Who, who poisoned the drink?

The redhead.

It's always the fucking redhead.

You gotta take me back, Sam.

What?

To die?

You embarrassed me, Sam.

You single handedly ruined any chance

either of us had, you know that?

I saved your ass.

I'm Sarah Connor, mother fucker!

You're an idiot.

Exactly, why would any of this shit work?

This is not a porno, Jackie.

This shit doesn't happen in real life.

Prove it, prove anything you're saying,

and we'll call the cops right now.

We can't call the cops.

Why the hell not?

Because what if I'm wrong?

And what if you're right?

Then your girlfriend's in some serious shit.

Carmen?

Why?

I saw the redhead poison more than one drink.

Fuck.

I know.

Promise me, Sam, promise me you're telling me the truth.

Jackie,

I'm dead ass.

Oh my god.

So what do we do?

We're gonna need some help.

We're running out of time.

Relax, Zoe.

No one's feeling the pressure of time more than me.

So now what?

Find them.

- I totally understand. - Absolutely, absolutely.

Brad, we need your help.

Hi, I'm Sam.

How'd you guys find where I live?

Oh, you go to church with my grandma.

Yeah, this is Sam, I'm Jackie,

we met earlier today, I don't know if you remember me,

but Carmen is in trouble.

Dude.

What?

I'm in here trying to cheer him up.

We broke up.

Oh.

I'm sorry, man.

It's okay, it's okay, you gotta shake it off, okay?

- Okay. - Shake it off.

Yeah.

Big boys don't cry,

big boys don't cry, big boys don't cry.

Okay.

What were you saying?

Listen Brad, really sorry you and Carmen broke up,

but there's a very real chance that she's in danger.

What kinda danger?

Wait, so Carmen's roommates are trying to poison her?

The redhead.

It's probably probably the same one

that cut up the dead guy in the trashcan.

Look, it sounds insane,

but you're the only one that can get her outta the house

without raising any red flags.

Get in, get out.

I don't know if I can do this.

I mean, it might be dangerous, but you-

- No, no, no. - You should just be able to-

- I mean, I don't know if I can see her without losing it.

You really broke up?

Like, it's official?

I dunno, I mean, I was meant to drive over

to her new place with her,

and she told me I shouldn't,

and when I asked why, she, er,

she said she was in love with someone else.

Life's a bitch, man.

You know what you should do?

Act like you don't care.

Why would I do that?

She broke up with you because something was wrong.

That's girlfriend code for be a better boyfriend.

But I'm a great boyfriend.

Trust me.

Act like nothing's wrong,

and it'll drive her crazy

that you're not broken up about it.

Great advice.

But we're trying to get her outta the house,

not piss her off.

Look out!

Jackie!

What the fuck, man?

You almost hit my fucking car.

What if my kids would have been in there?

Jackie.

Get the fuck outta the car.

I said get outta the car.

- Jackie? - Hello?

I got something else going on here right now, Sam.

How about you, tough guy?

I'll take care of this guy.

Stay in the car, Brad.

Jackie, the redhead's gone.

What, Sam?

You hear?

I think I'll stay in the car.

Who the fuck are you?

You all right?

First vampire, huh?

Cool.

You mind giving me a hand here?

Excuse me, sir.

Who are you?

Warren Van Helsing.

Van Helsing?

Hey kid, grab her legs, all right?

Like, like Van Helsing Van Helsing?

Yeah, kinda.

Kinda Van Helsing?

Oh come on, you just saw me blow a hole in a vampire,

so what part of this are you having trouble with?

I'm processing.

But if we don't get these bodies

out of the street right now,

we're gonna attract some unwanted attention, right?

So process quickly,

and grab your friend

to give you a hand with this other body, all right?

Oh my god.

Brad.

Brad.

Listen.

I'm freaked out too.

The only way we're gonna save Carmen

is if we move this gross dead guy

and shove him in the back of a truck, okay?

Okay, let's go.

Easy enough, right?

I'm sorry.

All right, all right.

Okay.

All right, now you tell me.

Why are you being chased by the vampire cult?

Vampire cult?

Don't answer my question with a question, all right?

Jackie and I, we tried to hang out with Carmen,

because she moved into the house with vampires.

But we didn't know they were vampires at the time.

They were just hot.

Is she a virgin?

That's a very inappropriate question to ask.

Okay, midnight tonight,

they're gonna sacrifice a virgin,

so I assume it was one of you two.

I'm not a virgin.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

What about Carmen?

Look, I'd prefer not to talk about

our love life, all right?

This is a matter of life and death, Brad.

No, we haven't, okay?

She wanted to wait till the right time,

but that never happened.

All right, all right, all right, all right,

so we only got two hours till midnight, all right?

Hey kid, you come with me, all right?

Come.

What do we do?

All right, so you go to the church,

and fill this with holy water.

And meet us at the house in 30 minutes, okay?

Ready to go to church?

So, you're like, Van Helsing the third, right?

My name is Warren, and my great-great-great-grandfather

was Abraham Van Helsing.

But you're Japanese.

Well, in my world, it's a lot easier to travel,

so my grandfather got around, you know?

So it's a family business.

No, it's more a rite of passage type of thing, okay?

You any good at it?

Well, have you ever seen a vampire before tonight?

No.

Any witches?

No.

Warlocks?

Werewolves?

What I meant was, do you like it?

I just kill monsters, you know?

My dad's an accountant,

that doesn't mean he likes his job.

He wants me to work for him after we move.

Accounting is a noble profession,

so it's all good, huh?

Do you know what accounting is?

You count.

For a living.

Of course I'm aware.

You think I'm stupid or what?

You like it though, right?

Your job?

It's not a job, okay.

It's awesome.

Oh, okay, I'll try to keep you

and your friends alive, okay?

Thank you, Mr. Van Helsing.

Oh, just Warren.

Thank you, Mr. Warren.

Do I get a shotgun?

Nope.

So what type of music do you listen to?

Do me a favor.

Yep.

No more question, okay?

It's annoying.

Warren.

Okay, what did I just say?

Where's the redhead?

What?

Shit, shit, shit, ah,

fucking and shit and fuck and shit, oh shit.

Shit?

How serious of a shit?

Well, it's a really big shit.

What do you mean?

Where did she go?

If I had to guess, same place we're going.

What now?

We're gonna need a bigger gun.

I get a gun?

Um, maybe.

Yes.

Oh shit.

Kevin.

Hey, I just got off work.

Kevin, vampires exist.

Vampires exist and Van Helsing just shot one in front of us.

Is this, like, a trailer for a movie or something?

Just do me a favor, okay?

Meet me at 665 Slauson Lane.

What the hell did I miss?

20 minutes.

Jackie.

I gotta go.

Church was locked.

Locked?

So what are we gonna do now?

We need to be there in 20 minutes.

I mean, we could make our own holy water.

I don't know how to do that,

do you know how to do that?

No.

I'll Google it.

Good idea.

Actually, use wikiHow.

Monica!

Get her to her room, quick.

Monica?

What was that thud?

Just Kayla being clumsy.

Can you help me with something upstairs?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, thanks for the shirt.

You gotta chill out, man.

Look, it's just a lot to take in right now.

I didn't exactly wake you this morning

ready to take on a vampire cult.

I'm talking about Carmen.

See?

That's what I'm talking about.

You just gotta let things go.

Oh yeah, says the girl who's in love with her.

You know, it's really obvious, by the way.

I like Carmen, okay, but that doesn't matter,

'cause Carmen dates guys.

Guys like you, Brad.

You just gotta be a little less Brad.

But I am Brad, okay?

My mom always told me to be myself.

That's not what I mean.

Look, I really shouldn't be saying this,

but she thinks that you're clingy.

Well, I can't be clingy now, can I?

Dude, you just gotta let it go.

Like, when I go hang out with Carmen,

you can't act all jealous,

'cause we're just friends.

Well, she likes you, so.

She likes me?

Like, she likes me likes me?

Yeah.

She talks about you all the time.

"Jackie's so funny," "Jackie's such a nerd,"

"She's so relatable."

But that doesn't mean she likes me.

She's bi.

Oh.

Yeah.

And you're the reason we broke up.

So.

Well, fuck.

Well, she talks about you when she's with me,

so I can't blame you.

She does?

Yeah.

Because you're the boyfriend, and I'm the friend,

so if we're gonna play the sympathy game,

I'm pretty sure I'm the one winning.

It's just tough.

Look, the fact that I'm the voice of reason right now

is freaking me out,

but you need to pull your shit together,

because it's vampires we're dealing with,

and I'd prefer if we didn't let Carmen die tonight, okay?

Okay.

Good plan.

Don't let Carmen die.

What are we doing here?

I told you, we need weapons.

This is a hiking trail.

Do me a favor.

Anything.

Stay in the car no matter what, okay?

Oops.

Oh shit.

Warren.

What is that for?

Don't worry about it, okay?

Stay in the car, I'll be right back.

Just stay calm, all right?

What the fuck do you want?

Um,

I need your help.

Obviously.

Must be desperate to come back here.

Good god, is that how you're getting around now?

Who's the kid?

A hostage?

He's my friend.

I'm sure.

No, seriously, what is he?

A troll of some sort?

He certainly has the hair for it.

Helen.

I need something that can kill a once bitten.

Where?

Here, tonight, possibly four of them.

You're not dealing with a follower, are you?

They had the book.

You don't think they're going to try to-

- Well, tonight is a full moon, Helen.

What do you think they're gonna do?

What you need, I don't have.

But, these should help.

Here we go.

Take a look, make sure it's all here.

This is it?

You didn't exactly leave much behind.

They miss you, Warren.

Helping a hopeless mortal won't change what you did.

How is she?

Zoe's dead.

Well, what did she say?

She said something about a man who shot her.

What man?

She died before she could explain.

We can save her.

How?

We could use the book.

We could resurrect her tonight instead of-

- Kayla.

Layla, go check on Carmen.

Are you losing sight of the objective?

I just thought we could wait until the next full moon,

and save her while there's still time.

We don't have time.

We have anything but time, Kayla.

Zoe knew that and she failed.

Look at my face.

My time is almost up.

I cannot wait another full moon,

or no amount of face masks or creams

or fucking foundation will save my career,

do you understand?

Monica, you're only 26.

Exactly.

You do not want what I have to deal with every day.

To see yourself growing older and losing jobs

because you're no longer young enough.

Well, Jackie's gone.

How are we gonna get her back?

She'll be back.

They always come back.

Monica,

they're idiots.

Hi, is Jackie here?

So vampirism is like an STD?

In layman's terms, yes.

Gross.

A vampire can always chose to turn a mortal,

but the bitten always possess less power than who bit them,

do you understand what I'm saying?

But, I mean, I mean, you've don't this before, right?

Um, I've never killed a once bitten.

Well fuck.

Hey, watch your mouth, man.

Sorry.

Hey, we might die tonight.

So you gotta enjoy it.

See?

Relax.

There's the house.

- What's up, buddy? - Jesus, man.

Hey, Brad.

We got the holy water.

Wait till you see what we got.

All right.

Baseball bat dipped in silver.

Oh yeah, that'll be me.

Crowbar.

Dibs?

You sure?

Yeah, I said dibs.

All right.

Jesus.

Okay, there we go.

Yes.

- Yours. - Thank you.

Wait.

And this.

Oh, nice.

You get a rifle?

Yeah.

You called dibs.

What are those?

Hand grenades.

Can we trade?

Please?

You called dibs.

You can't take back dibs.

Hang on, you, you didn't tell us what was in the box.

I wouldn't have chosen a baseball bat

if I knew there were grenades in the box.

You wanna give that bat back?

No.

Too bad, huh?

All right, all right, listen up.

The objective is to keep Cameron safe

until after midnight.

It's Carmen.

That doesn't matter,

'cause they're gonna have to perform the ritual at midnight,

so we're just not gonna let that happen, got it?

Pretty straightforward.

Yeah.

All right, here's the plan.

The kid and I,

we'll flank either side of...

Kevin.

Hi Jackie.

Kevin, are you still coming?

I'm, I'm already here.

What do you mean?

I don't see you.

I'm inside with your friends.

You're what?

Yeah, I mean, I didn't know

what you were talking about earlier,

but everyone here seems super nice.

You're inside the house?

Yeah, I mean, Carmen's here too.

Okay, Kevin, I'm gonna need you to stay calm.

You need to get Carmen and go out the front door.

Oh wait, hold on, Monica wants to talk to you.

Kevin.

So anyway, so I play like eight different roles, okay?

Hi Jackie.

Jackie cannot come to the phone right now.

Who's this?

Well, let's just say,

I'm an acquaintance of your freaky redhead friend.

Why don thank you stop by so we can have a little chat?

I'll be right over.

If your friend dies tonight, it's gonna be your fault.

You didn't tell Kevin about the vampires?

No.

I was going to, but it's a bit much to explain on the phone.

You knew Kevin's extremely punctual.

Shut up.

All right, all right, time for a new plan, okay?

Hi.

What do we do now?

I don't know.

The plan keeps changing.

Your friends are here.

Whoa!

Hey, Kevin.

What the fuck are you guys doing?

We're here to rescue you and Carmen.

From what?

The vampires, Kev.

Thank god.

Where's Carmen?

She's in her room.

I don't believe you.

Carmen?

What the hell is going on?

You're being rescued.

Brad?

Hey.

We're losing Brad, we gotta go.

Kevin, Carmen, get behind us,

we're gonna leave before this gets ugly.

Jackie, have you fucking lost your mind?

No, it's true, look.

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

I know, it's crazy, right?

I think it's time you got outta here.

You're not going anywhere.

Shit.

How do you load it?

Nobody's leaving until the sacrifice is complete.

You're not sacrificing my friend.

Jackie.

It's heavy, okay?

It's amazing you're still a virgin.

Me?

I'm not a virgin.

You're, you're not?

Who did you think this was all for?

Carmen.

Carmen's a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

You're not?

You're not?

Shut up.

Everybody shut up.

I'll allow your friends to leave unharmed

if you come quietly.

I'll only make this offer once.

I can't.

Kayla.

No, wait!

You have really nice teeth.

Thank you.

So, are you coming?

Or do I have to kill everyone here?

I'm not a virgin.

Liar.

I can smell it.

I swear, if you sacrifice me,

none of this is gonna work,

and it's all gonna be for nothing.

When did this happen?

Mike McKenzie, sophomore year.

Oh fuck, that's right.

Somebody here is a virgin,

and I will kill every last one of you if I need to.

Fine, it's me, I'm the virgin.

I'm so sorry that I was brought up

in a household with values.

I didn't know everyone was gonna make such a big deal-

Brad!

Carmen?

Sorry, Jackie.

Layla, help Carmen.

Oh god, ow, shit!

Oh, ow, god, that hurts so bad!

I, I am so sorry.

I don't condone violence against women,

but you, you two fucking suck.

God.

Wait!

We gotta go, Sam.

We can't leave.

Yes we can, just get in the car.

No, Warren and Brad are still in the house.

And if we leave now, they'll die.

Fuck.

Well, your first rescue mission sucked balls,

so what do we do now?

Kayla.

There's no time.

We'll worry about them later.

From where thou was,

take he with to return.

Take thy soul and return

the body that was once ye,

for these words to set thou free.

With the power of the ancestors and moon in decline,

return to what was once yours.

Eyes of blue, return to my ark realm.

With the light of the moon and blood of this dope,

allow these words and power to intertwine.

Return thy soul to that which is mine.

Did it work?

Patience.

Welcome back.

I feel weak.

How long since I drew my last breath?

200 years.

Things have changed.

Dracula.

Your resurrection was for a purpose.

We wish for eternal youth.

As my brides, I will grant you such power.

Your brides?

You must first pledge your body and souls to me.

Worship me, serve me.

Um, yeah, no, that sounds a bit like slavery to me.

You should be grateful.

To serve me is your true purpose.

Um, no, I don't think so.

You dare disobey your master?

You're not our master.

Never has a follower disrespected me as you do.

We brought you back to life,

we deserve what we asked for.

Deserve?

Your witchcraft gives you the right to demand from Dracula?

You owe us your life now.

Eternal youth.

Why do you demand such a curse?

We're models.

You're what?

We earn a living through modeling and brand deals.

Staying young forever would skyrocket our careers.

I have half a million followers on Instagram.

What devilish world have you brought me back to?

Give us what we want,

or we'll send you right back to where you came from.

You dare threaten Dracula?

I am all powerful.

Tonight will be-

I remembered how to reload it.

This is not how this night was supposed to go.

Brad was a beautiful human being.

Put the gun down, Jackie.

We're friends, remember?

Fuck off, Carmen.

Kill them.

Run.

Shit, oh shit!

Jesus, fuck, Jesus!

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You bitch.

I, I, I, I'm not a bitch,

you're, you're a bitch.

Oh shit.

Hi.

Hi.

You're very pretty.

Thanks.

Your eyebrows are shaped nicely,

and your face is attractive too.

Thank you, that means a lot.

Jackie.

Wake up, wake up!

Wake up, you worthless fossil.

Wake up!

Come on, let's go.

How do you like that, huh?

Oh shit.

Oh fuck, shit.

What the fuck do I do with this thing?

My fucking Brandy Melville cardigan?

Ew.

I'm not very good with women, you know.

I'm pretty shy.

That's nice.

I'm gonna kill you now, but it's nothing personal.

I understand, but,

can I ask one thing?

What?

A kiss.

I'm a literally about to be killed by you, so...

Fine.

Ta da!

Oh.

Sorry.

Jackie.

Where are you?

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

I grant you eternal youth.

If you come out now, I promise I won't hurt you.

I'm getting impatient, Jackie.

Where the fuck are you?

Howdy, neighbor.

Whoa.

Jackie.

I'm up here.

Guys.

Oh my god.

Warren!

Warren.

Wake up, buddy.

Here, we'll try this.

What's happening?

Relax.

They're all dead.

But, they're dead?

Yeah.

How?

Well, I blew one up with a grenade,

and Kevin stabbed the other one with...

A crowbar.

Really big crowbar, just,

bitch.

And you killed Carmen, right?

Yeah.

Um, I sprayed her with holy water.

Did not work.

At all.

Then I shot her in the face.

Huh.

How about the other one?

Dracula killed her.

I'm sorry?

Did you say Dracula?

Seriously?

So Brad was a virgin, huh?

Yeah.

It took 50 men to defeat Dracula.

Now he's on the loose.

It's your birthright, isn't it?

To kill Dracula.

Oh, it is now I guess.

Thanks.

For what?

For making me feel a part of this.

Even though I'm not, I have no idea what's going on.

It's still pretty cool.

Yeah, right.

You need any help with this?

No, no, no.

No, no, I can take care of it,

so you just get outta here.

Right.

Just go.

If you say so.

Hey Sam.

Yo.

Are you gonna become an accountant like your father?

I don't know.

Probably.

All right, um,

if you decide not to,

maybe you can come work for me, you know?

Yes!

Yes, yes!

Yes.

- Yes. - Oh shit,

can't take it back now.

So, what's your deal, man?

My high school crush was a psycho vampire

that I shot in the face.

No, I meant between us.

You've seemed really bummed out lately,

and I just, I just wanna make sure you're cool.

Yeah, I just don't wanna lose my best friends, you know?

You're not gonna lose us, Jackie.

I just don't want things to, like, change.

This is a stupid conversation.

I know.

No, I mean, we just killed three people.

I mean, sure, they were vampires, but shit.

I mean, nothing is gonna be the same from now on

except for the fact that we will always be best friends.

Not to mention, somehow,

Dracula's running around in Brad's body, and...

Is everyone damn hungry?

I am fucking starving.

Let's go.

Okay, so what about McDonald's?

They're open 24 hours.

McDonald's?

What's wrong with McDonald's?

I don't eat fast food.

How do you not eat fast food?

I'm a healthy guy, you know that.

What do you eat, grass?

Only on Saturdays.

Jesus.

All right, well Burger King?

We can go to Wilson Burger.

Shit.

Stop dying, you have a shield, use it.

At least I'm not hiding in a tree hut somewhere.

Don't shit on my strategy.

I don't even know where either of you two are,

'cause I'm up here killing shit.

Yeah, it's 'cause you got a hero right out the gate.

Sam doesn't have the balls

to be anything but a hero character.

Get on my level, then come talk to me.

My, my mom wants to know if you guys

developed any dietary restrictions.

Nope.

Bring the turkey!

Gotta go, got a call.

Sam, you suck balls.

Best Pest Control, this is Sam.

Hi, it's me.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Some wild dog cut up some sheep,

but I think I'm getting closer.

There's something I need to tell you.

What?

You know how I told you about Brad's parents?

They haven't reported him missing.

Why wouldn't they do that?

See, that's what I wanted to know,

so I stole their mail.

Hey Sam, what do you think you're doing?

Warren, someone is sending letters to his parents as Brad.

Whoa.

Where are those letters coming from?

There's no return address.

Warren, is there something wrong?

I'll be back in town in the morning, all right?

That thing you were looking for,

I couldn't find it in the field journal you gave me.

I wouldn't worry about it anymore, Sam.

All right.

Well, get some rest.

Thanks.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull