Original subtitles

As difficult as this time is,

it's only by complying with the guidelines;

combing,

shampooing,

combing again, that we can reduce

the chance of these nits spreading.

I'm now going to hand you over to our expert

from the Lice Po-Lice,

-Laura Tumley. -Thank you, Janet.

And I'm pleased to say that there is some indication that

that nit curve is starting to plateau.

Can we go to the next slide please?

As you can see this is our borough here...

I've actually never had nits.

Oh, my god, if I was a nit, I'd be all over your head

like an all you can eat buffet.

...going to hand out some leaflets in a second about that.

Thank you, Laura. Uh, we can take some questions...

Uh, yes, Darius' mum?

What's the school doing to protect against the spread?

If we find a live case,

the child's table will be isolated.

They're sent home until they've all been treated.

Next question please.

Don't be a dick. We want to go home.

Yep, here. It's about the grannies really. Um,

I have my mother living with me,

albeit temporarily, I'd like to stress that.

Do I have to do her as well?

Yeah. Grandparent hair is thinner

and basically dead, so they are less at risk,

but we do still advise keeping your distance.

So, you're recommending, according to the science,

that I should ask my mother to move out?

[Laura] Uh...

Mm.

That's all we've got time for.

Laura does offer a nit blitz shampooing service

if you're interested.

[Laura] Yes, I have some leaflets here.

Cheers.

Jeez!

Three hundred pounds for a shampoo party?

Who's doing it? Vidal Sassoon? Jesus Christ.

It's just a couple of piddly nits.

They're not even life-threatening.

You can't die of nits--

You can die from nits actually.

There was an old woman in Kildare

and she scratched her head so hard

she made a hole in her skull

and some dirt got in it and killed her.

That is a harrowing limerick, Anne.

[theme music playing]

I like telling Lee he's got to get treated,

even when the kids haven't got lice.

I tell him he's got to leave it on for a week

and sleep upright, and he totally does.

Dickhead!

Jill's always lice-free.

I think it's her scent.

She does eat a lot of turmeric...

Or maybe it's because she's never

in the same room as you and the kids?

Well, that's not entirely...

no, actually you're right.

She comes in from work and she's straight up

that loft ladder like a chinchilla.

She loves that loft.

It's basically-- what's the female equivalent of a man cave?

Panic room?

Hey, you know, you could use this, Kev,

to get close to Jill, again.

Tell her she's got nits.

You know, wash her hair. Could be intimate. Like Ghost.

That's a lovely idea, Liz,

but Jill can't abide having her head touched.

Anything above the Adam's apple is a no-go zone.

[Julia] Yo, yo. All right, mateys?

Hey, nice hair, Gordon Gecko.

I was thinking more Sharon Stone, thanks.

You're looking very smart, Elizabeth.

Yeah, I had a job interview in town. Shoe shop.

Oh, you're getting a job?

Kids are at school now and I'm just sat at home, so...

You're having a "glow up".

-You what? -Oh, my god.

Holly Willoughby was chatting about it on This Morning.

You basically you have three "glow ups" in your life.

It's like a life upgrade.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am having a glow job.

[Julia] I'm going to have a massive glowth spurt

when my mum moves out.

I mean, I love her and everything, she's my mum,

but I can't wait for her to eff off back to her own place.

-[chuckles] -Aww, she's so brave, your mum.

Oh, goodness, she's not brave, Kevin.

No, she's just got a little heart thing

which means she falls over willy nilly.

I mean, that's not brave,

that's just a health condition. I mean, if anyone's brave,

I'm brave. I'm the brave one.

I've let her use my bedroom and my en suite.

I'm having to slum it in the family bathroom

with my disgusting children.

Uh-oh.

Here comes evil Elsa and her pet snowman.

Hello! What's going on here?

-Hm? -With the, with the no...?

Oh no, I, um, I treated us last half term.

Full monty, kids, the toys, the pillows, Paul.

Right, 'cause you can't just do it six weeks ago

and hope for the best, Julia.

I hate to agree with Amanda,

but that's like saying "I took the pill once,

how can I possibly be pregnant?"

Wow, goodness these nits,

really not my priority, um, you know.

I'm busy working, caring for the children,

tending to my mother's sickly needs.

You should all thank your lucky stars I've treated us at all.

Oh, god.

Bill doesn't look his normal self.

-What do you think it is? -Do you reckon he's ill?

-What's that? Who's ill? -Bill.

Do you think Bill's ill, Kev?

We should ask your Jill,

see if she thinks Bill's ill.

I don't think Jill's met Bill.

[Julia] Hiya, mate.

All right, creeps? And Kevin.

I see you've all been showering in Castrol GTX.

Someone hasn't.

Nit Stasi round here, isn't it?

Is Bill all right, Meg?

Yeah. Why?

We were just thinking... he looks a bit,

and please don't take this the wrong way,

absolutely awful.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's just got his period.

[chuckles]

Oh, thank God.

That is some good news.

Oh, are you all right, Anne?

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -Anne.

It's just the thought of Bill. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just crying all the time now.

I cried at You've Been Framed

when a man fell over at a wedding.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sounds like the baby blues.

You need a bit of "me" time.

Well, not... not me time,

you time, Anne time.

-Kevin, go away. -Yep.

[Amanda gasps] Hello!

Daddy's here.

I'll get you a biscuit or something.

I'm going to get you some biscuit and a...

-A cake. -A cake.

A cake. Cake and a couple of biscuits.

All right, Lee. Nitty Nora time again.

Oh, what?

You'll have to treat any other poor fuckers

-you're sleeping with and all. -Uh-huh.

Don't get it on your hands or it'll burn through to the bone.

Bloody hell, look, I can't take another week off.

Some people do have work you know.

Yeah, well, I'm sure the Lego factory will understand.

Hey,

Charlie said you had some sort of "interview".

Go on, say what you have to say.

No, no, no, good for you.

I hear the job market's crying out

for arsey, greasy northerners.

Fuck off, Lee.

What was the job anyway? Chip shop?

-Goodbye, prick. -Brylcreem factory? Lard farm?

Hey, listen, tell me if you get it,

so I can adjust my child support.

What, you mean start paying it?

I've booked Jill and I lunch

at that pop up raclette place.

It's like fondue, but you can dip meat into it.

Or eggs.

Nothing says "romance" like hot cheese dribbled on an egg.

Jill still blue-balling you then, mate?

Julia!

No, gosh. If it's any consolation,

Paul and I have been celibate since mother moved in.

It turns out listening to a pensioner cough through

a stud wall is a total turn off.

I think a relationship can survive without intercourse,

intimacy takes many forms.

A kind word, the brush of a fingertip,

listening to Radio 4 together while I scrub the hob.

My relationship with Sam the shepherd

is entirely based on intercourse.

If you take out the intercourse,

it's just alcohol in a caravan.

-[Mrs. Lamb] Ivy's mum? -[Liz] Oh, shit.

A word? Ivy's combed positive for nits

so I'm going to need you to keep her off school.

Non possible, I have to take mother

to the hospital tomorrow.

Same for Rosie and Charlie

and all of Topaz Table.

Hold on, you can't do this.

Sorry, what is this about Manus being off school?

In line with school nit policy,

your children will need to be kept off

until they've had a full course of hair treatment.

I did mine last night! Smell my scalp.

My whole house stinks like a petrol pump.

Yes, well,

you're all going to have to treat your children again.

Thanks a lot, Julia.

Whoa, whoa. I was not necessarily the super spreader.

Patient zero could be your kid,

-Anne's kid. -No, no, no, it can't be Darius.

We actually use nit shampoo as everyday shampoo now.

As a preventative measure.

And as a body wash.

And as a laundry liquid.

And I know it's not Manus,

'cause I actually wash my children's hair, Julia.

Actually, Amanda, it's a well-known fact

nits thrive in clean hair.

Yeah, well, it's a well-known fact

that's actually a well-known myth, Julia.

Yeah, well...

yeah.

Hey, guys!

Can anyone take Ivy tomorrow?

It's only nits. Kev.

Don't, that's a dead giveaway, mate.

[groans]

Let's go!

So, you know I'm not one to pry, Anne,

but I was out last night doing my 5k

when I saw Bill crying as he was putting the bins out.

[muffled] Did you check if he was okay?

You're spraying, Anne. So, I think

there might be some kind of trouble in paradise.

-Mm. -I mean it figures,

he's so much older than her.

And Meg has some strong sexual energy.

Put it this way -

I wouldn't blame her for eating out

if what she's got is so close to its sell-by date.

You're really putting a dent in those digestives, Anne.

Are you eating your feelings?

Anne, if you're depressed, there's no shame in it.

No, I'm not depressed.

It's actually almost cool to be mental now.

Show me a celeb that isn't on some kind of

selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

No, I'm not depressed.

I'm actually pregnant!

-What? -[Anne] Mm-hmm.

-Anne, are you kidding? -Mm-mm.

-[Amanda] You're pregnant? -Mm-hmm.

-But you just had one. -Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

-Who does that? -I don't know. [chuckles]

-But please don't tell a soul. -No.

Because I haven't even told my mammy yet, so...

No, no, no, no, no. You know me, last word indiscresh.

Who would I even tell?

[Julia] No Gina, that's not a problem,

Um, I'm sure I can get it to you.

[Ivy] Can we go to the park now?

Um, yeah.

Uh, I'll do that now

and send over in PDF at lunch, okay?

[Marion] But you're supposed to be helping me pack.

Okay, thank you, Gina. Bye.

[Marion] I need a lie down.

How can a quick trip

to the hospital tire me out?

I should have asked your consultant about my head lice.

She was a neurologist, Julia.

I mean, it's all heads, isn't it?

Same, same.

Could you watch Ivy for me?

No, no.

Okay, park it is then, love!

Manus?

Gina, hi.

Didn't get it?

Gosh, that's weird. I absolutely did send it.

Um...

just, um...

give me your email again.

I'm just typing it in now.

Okay, so that's going to be with you end of playtime today.

Yes, okay.

Bye Gina, bye now.

Oh, my god.

Yes, so we're unclean.

She's disgusting, deal with it.

You look like an angry purple sleeping bag.

Yeah, well, honestly. It is-- It's ridiculous.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I'm used to being treated like a turd in a swimming pool.

I mean, come on, grow up!

Charlie and Max have been uninvited

from Manus' trampoline party.

My girls, too.

Ooh, soz about that, guys.

Your kids have been uninvited too.

Hey? What?

No! No, I really need that Saturday.

I'm moving mum out of my house. Amanda?

Distance, please.

Hey, team Topaz Table.

So, we're all in it together.

I'm only in it because you put me in it, thank you.

You're welcome.

So, let's talk Manus' party.

Cancelled.

I couldn't live with myself if I brought this infestation

to Trampoline Land.

Most of the class pulled out when they heard about the nits.

Julia, you've set off a chain of catastrophic events,

the repercussions of which will echo down the years to come.

Hey? Like what?

Well, like, when someone asks Manus

what did you do for your 11th birthday?

He will have to say, "Nothing,"

because somebody's mummy dropped the ball.

What human remembers what they did

for their 11th birthday?

What did you do on your 11th birthday?

I was working down the mine like every other year.

I went go-karting in a tractor.

Think of the kids, the kiddies,

their sad faces.

You should've thought about them, Julia,

before you allowed this tragedy to unfurl.

Anne, come on, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

[Amanda] Back up with your nits.

Yes.

Let's not let our emotions get in the way of practicalities,

because we should all be sticking together.

I know, I can book, um...

I can book a nit blitz party.

Yeah? Today? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow. You can get all the infected children

and infected parents,

we'll hire the Po-Lice lady and we'll just, you know,

smash the shit out of these nits.

It'll be lots of good fun. At yours, Kevin?

Jill would go nuts.

Don't even think about it.

Cool, yeah, I'm cool to host, so that's good. You in?

We'll think about it, Julia.

All you can eat crisps, Anne?

That does sound like fun actually.

[Julia] Yeah, so it's your basic one-way system.

We come through the hall into the kitchen for your de-lousing

and then we move on through

into the sitting room

for your drink and nibble reward.

It's like Ryanair, but with booze and snacks,

and somewhere to sit.

Yeah, one or two hours tops, and then we're back on track.

Back to school, Manus party on.

So, tell me Laura,

how does one get into the nit business?

Well, I used to work in an STD Clinic, actually.

Oh, right, so you started with crabs and worked your way up?

[Julia] Right teas and coffees.

Let's get on. Teabags, teabags...

Mother, where are the tea bags?

Well, in my house, I keep them in the cupboard

above the kettle, where they should be.

Okay, so,

should we do you first, my love? Get you out of the way?

Oh, yeah. Get me out of the way.

Can I just check,

are you allergic to kerosene, my love?

No.

And even if I was, I couldn't care less.

Kev,

is it Jill?

Can you just keep your head still, my love?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I popped up to the loft

to suggest we share a sensual bath

and nit shampoo and she said

she didn't want

a bath or nit shampoo. She wanted a divorce.

What? Shit.

Kevin! Why?

You name it. My night breathing, mainly.

And the way I chew, and the way I laugh,

and the way I dry my legs after I've had a bath.

it turns out Jill just doesn't like me, full stop.

She's a dick.

Kevin, you are one of the best guys I know.

'Til death do us part, my arsehole.

Divorce, seriously!

I don't want to be a divorcé.

Jill was so cold about it.

Listen, Kev, I mean... [scoffs]

I tell Paul I want a divorce

every birthday and Christmas and he just

tells me to me shut my cake hole.

So, what you're saying is

I should go back there and fight for her?

Um...

yes. Okay, yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes,

I'm going to do that, I'm gonna do that.

I'm going to go back up that loft

and tell her how much I love her.

Maybe wipe that liquid shit off your head first.

It's got to stay on for an hour and a half.

I'll be back by five to get the girls.

[Laura] Oh, I wouldn't wear that.

That stuff eats through polystyrene.

Thanks, love. Next mum, please.

[Julia] Coming through. Hey,

mate, who put the fun in infestation?

-I'll have that. -Aw, you look like

-a shiny little conker. -Brilliant.

Whoa, excuse me,

you are not adhering to the one-way system.

Back. Go back, back, back. back, back.

Goodness.

I didn't hear anything about that stupid shoe shop job.

That doesn't mean you haven't got it, love.

It was probably the hair.

It did look a bit Trainspotting.

Hey, mate,

if they can't handle you at your worst,

then they don't deserve you at your best.

Not sure that rule applies to job interviews.

Oh!

Mother...

[sighs]

Coming!

Anne, Amanda,

hi!

Let me just... sorry, one second.

Right, okay, let's get you in.

Guys, we're not here to partay,

we're here to get treated and get the hell out, okay?

Wham, bam, thank you lady from that van.

Anne, would you like a drink, my lovely?

Oh, no, thank you. No.

[Amanda] Anne's pregnant.

-Huh? -Don't tell a soul.

-Oh, look who it is. -[Julia] Wow, that's committed.

Hey, Meg,

Bill. Hey.

Wow, look at you.

Loving the grade one. Ooh, so cool.

I would totally shave my head but...

loads of people love my hair so,

you know, wouldn't want to do that to them.

Bill, how are you?

Haven't seen you for ages.

[Julia] Amanda, RE: Manus' party,

should we focus it on Saturday or...

Can I just get some more towels, my love?

Uh, just... in a minute.

I'm just in the middle of something right now.

Ooh, look who it is! Marion!

-So brave. -You're so brave, Marion.

So brave. So, so brave.

Not brave. Not brave.

[Marion] No, the real hero's Julia,

you know, taking me in and nursing me back to health.

But I'm moving back home this weekend.

-Ooh. -Yeah, Saturday.

The removal van is booked.

-Huh. -So...

it's, um...

Assuming we're all clean and clear on the old, um...

Manus party on?

Well, I guess if we're all getting treated, then...

Yeah, it can go ahead.

That'll be nice.

-Great, that's good news. -Yes. [exhales] Towels.

-[phone ringing] -Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Paterson's daughter.

Hello, Doctor.

Yes, um,

she's absolutely...

raring to go.

All packed up and ready to go home at the weekend, so that's

fabby dabby doo. [chuckles]

Sorry, what, what?

Sorry, when you say...

when you say she can't live independently,

do you mean we need to find her a husband,

or get her a pet, or, um...

I mean, I can definitely pop in twice a week

to make checks, or we can,

we can install a panic button, so that's...

Whoa,

shall we just, um...

should we just mull over for a moment.

We don't want to make any hasty decisions.

Ahh, okay.

So that's, um... that's conclusive, is it?

Yes, okay,

thank you, doctor.

Yes, bye now.

[muffled scream]

[screams]

Bill! [laughs]

Sorry, Bill, I didn't...

I didn't know you were in here.

I just found out that I'm stuck with my mother

and she's gonna have my bedroom and en suite forever.

[cries]

[door opens]

Hi, Bill.

[Bill] Kev.

You've got a Baileys moustache.

At least I hope it's Baileys.

Can you think of the worst thing that could happen,

and then double it?

Well, I can actually, Kevin. I...

um... god, I have had-

I've done something so bad.

-What? -You don't want to know.

I'm so effed up.

Oh Jill... Jill.

Don't touch me, I'm a pig.

I know it was only a part time job,

but I really wanted it.

Maybe it's going out to see Sam on the farm.

It's made me realize there's more to life, you know,

than nits and phonics

and worrying how much Netflix my kids watch.

Is it official that you haven't gotten it, babe?

Maybe no news is just no news.

Nah, mate. No news is ghosting.

I didn't get the job.

Have you ever thought about Greggs, Liz?

Anne worked there.

How long did you work at Greggs, Anne?

[Anne] Oh, um...

no, I never worked at Greggs, no.

I was Head of Product Development

at GlaxoSmithKline Worldwide.

Oh.

Why did I always think you worked for Greggs?

-Are you sure? -Um...

I can't picture you working in an office, Anne.

I see you handling cakes and puffs.

Not that I've

been in a Greggs before. Really not Greggs?

Yeah, I've been there once or twice but, um,

more as a customer.

[Laura] Okay, my dear?

Oh, that's me. I'm up, excuse me.

[Amanda] So weird.

Hey girl, how ya doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Yeah, I'm doing well, you know,

stronger, fitter, humbler.

I mean, it's been a tough ol' year

for me with the D-I-V-O-R-C-E,

but I've grown a lot and...

word from the wise,

you think you are not going get through this,

but you totally are.

I'm sorry, what are we talking about here?

-You and Bill. -Oh, right, yeah.

Poor old Kevin's going through it as well.

The nit lady told me.

I don't know,

I guess it's the life stage we're all at.

Also, Anne's pregnant. Yeah,

Anne told me in strictest confidence.

And I'm only mentioning it because it's relevant

and I know she loves you as much as we all do,

-so... -Wow.

[Amanda] We are here for you.

And obviously not a single peep

from these lips about your marriage woes, yeah.

Mum's the word. Hey,

mum by nature, mum by mouth.

Amanda's just told me that Anne's pregnant

and I shouldn't tell anyone.

[Julia] Yeah, she told me that too.

Why didn't you tell me?

I've just spoken to the consultant

and he said that Mother might not ever be able to go home.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Oh, where's she going to go?

I don't know. Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

Kevin's loft?

I think I'm having a panic attack!

[grunts] You. You, you, you.

Can you adhere to the zonal areas please?

In fact, if you've been treated, can you remain

in the living room, or better still,

could you just leave?

Can you see those?

[Julia] Unbelievable!

You've basically invited a load of nits into your house, babe.

Thank you, that's very helpful, Meg.

People are not adhering to my zonal areas!

Thanks Julia, I'm all done.

Lovely party, the crisps were delicious.

I did get some nit stuff in my mouth though,

but I managed to sluice most of it out, I think.

Okay, cool, Anne.

Congratulations, by the way, Anne.

[Liz, Julia, and Bill] Oh yeah, congratulations.

-How do you all know? -Anne,

if you want a lift home, the window is closing.

-What? -Did you tell everyone?

No! Tell what?

My secret news.

Oh, my God, Anne, of course not.

I mean if it did come out,

it was like in a good way, like...

this is a party,

and I just want to spread a good vibe.

It's just I did actually ask you not to say anything.

Oh, come on, Anne.

It's hardly Royal baby

-level news. -[Laura] Bye.

[Julia] Oh, my god.

Is that Laura leaving?

Why is the nit lady leaving?

Why didn't you all stop her?

She's effed off without even doing me.

I've gone to all this effort for nothing. Oh, my god!

Well, this says it all doesn't it?

[Marion] Julia,

have you seen my walking frame?

Not now, Mother.

Says all Amanda, what?

It says, Julia, this is how your kids

end up spreading things around.

I tell you who's a fucking super spreader,

Amanda. Your mouth.

You watch your mouth, Liz.

Come on, Anne.

Let's get out of this absolute nit show.

Go, go, go, go on. Go on, go,

without even helping me tidy up.

I've been tying myself in knots over this.

And what happened to all for one and one for all?

Okay, I made a teeny, weeny, weeny, tiny error of judgement,

which I have been bending over backwards

to try and fix, but no,

I just get a shit load of shit.

One tiny error of judgement, Julia.

Yeah, it could have been any of us.

But really, could it?

I think the problem here is that it's

-one rule for you and... -Fuck's sake, Amanda!

Beg your pardon, Bill?

All of you, shut up.

Shut up.

Not you, Anne.

I wish I only had to worry about

sharing my en suite with my mother,

or having nits,

or whether people are adhering

to a fucking one-way system

that seriously does not matter.

-Okay, baby, let's go home now. -No, I got...

-[Meg] Yes. -[Bill] I just...

I can't hack it, I just can't. I can't. I'm sorry.

I know, I know.

Do you think that it was something that I said?

I'll tell you later.

Meg's having an affair.

Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.

No, you were going to find out sooner or later

so you might as well hear it from me.

I've got cancer.

What?

Oh.

Just a touch.

In the boob.

I locked Jill in the loft!

Okay, not locked.

She wouldn't see sense.

Insisted our marriage was over,

so I took the loft ladder away.

I just saw red.

She's been up there all afternoon,

a prisoner in her own home office.

She's only got two San Pellegrino

and a Babybel in the mini fridge.

Kev, mate, not now.

I've called the police on myself.

-Kevin... -[Kevin] They're sending

an arresting officer.

-[Julia] Kevin... -Or not.

The line wasn't clear, it sounded a bit like

-they were laughing. -[Liz] Kev...

Meg's got cancer.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

They caught it early, and you know I--

I wanted to pre-empt the, um...

you know, I was going to lose it all in chemo anyway so,

you know, I didn't want to have

nits and cancer, so... [chuckles]

[tuts] Meg,

I knew something was wrong.

I don't want any fuss...

or pity.

That's bloody put everything in perspective, hasn't it?

Yeah, it really does, Meg.

Who cares if I can't ever take a piss

in my en suite ever again?

I mean, who gives a shit

if we're all riddled with lice?

I do.

Hello?

Oh, really?

Yeah, okay. Right.

Thanks for letting me know.

All right, bye.

Got that job in that shoe shop.

Oh, that's good, babe.

Yeah, the 17-year-old they hired didn't turn up.

Oh, no.

Well done, honey.

No, I'm not taking it.

No.

I'm not being their sloppy seconds.

[Kevin] Good for you Liz.

You know, I think this is the longest

you've let me touch you since you were nine.

So, I spoke to the consultant about you moving home.

Yeah.

Amanda told me.

She heard you screaming in the bathroom.

It's all right. I understand

if you want to look into putting me into a home.

You're a massive, massive pain in the hole,

Mother, but I could never do that.

Not yet anyway.

It's the smell that puts me off.

-What smell? -Oh, those care homes.

They-- they smell like cabbage and death.

Every time you cook,

it smells of cabbage and death. Oh!

There's another one.

Did you get nits when we were kids then?

No,

it was the 1980s. We all had perms.

It was basically chemical warfare.

Hmm, I might look into getting myself a perm.

This is nice, isn't it?

No.

[theme music playing]

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