Original subtitles

I know if I keep...trying...

He'll change.

Kiss me. Kiss me.

It's just sex.

(MOANS)

The passion...

That's the easy part.

Just take me.

Harder!

Harder!

It's just the rest of it that I don't get.

Do it.

Give in to it.

I know I'm holding back...

But I don't want to let go.

-Let go. -(MOANING)

You're pulling my hair out. Come on!

What she wants from me right now

has nothing to do with any kind of love that I understand.

I forgave him for his affair.

But forgetting...

I broke it off.

She said she forgave me.

There's still a wall between us.

I had the affair

in order to

fulfill needs.

(MOANING)

(GASPING)

I really resent Sam for that.

Basically, she'll do whatever I want.

(MOANS)

Why is it that you always want what you can't have?

And when you finally get it,

you don't want her anymore.

-Christ! -I'm sick of this!

Every single time I plan a romantic evening, you just piss all over it!

I told you I don't like all this romantic crap! It's all fake!

Let's just get down to business!

-Business? Business? -Yeah, business!

What about foreplay?

What if I wanna get swept off my feet?

What if I wanna feel beautiful?

It's not my problem you have no self-esteem.

Maybe.

Karen, I hate it when you flirt like that.

I can't help it, Sam.

You know what? I am bored. So fucking bored!

I'm bored with life, I'm bored with marriage,

but most of all, Sam, I'm bored with our sex.

Well, then let's just get away from all this. Let's take a vacation.

That is not what I need, Sam.

Well, what do you want?

-You know what I want? -What do you want? Yes.

You know what I want? I want something from a real man.

I want you to stop being so fucking nice.

-You understand that? -Sweet.

Karen...

Let me take off the shirt.

-Ow! -(PANTING)

Sweetie, come on.

God damn it, Sam.

I don't want to spank, Karen.

I don't want it this way.

Do it!

Harder. Harder. (GASPS)

Don't stop. Come on, try for me!

You know what I want you to do? You know what I want you to do, Sam?

Here, tie me up.

-Come on, tie me up! -(SNIFFLES)

Why does passion have to be violent?

God damn you.

-Where are you going? -Out!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hi. How's it going?

Fine.

The kids are asleep in Samantha's room, exhausted from packing.

Emotional about leaving their friends.

-You're the one that wanted to move. -You're the one...

I know.

Come on. I want you.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-I can't do this. -(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

God!

David, I'm so sorry.

Guess the self-defense classes paid off.

Maybe for you.

Aw, you poor baby. Let me kiss it, here.

-That's it, right there. -Okay.

(GIGGLES)

Come on, get in.

Hurry up.

Any trouble getting here?

Mmm. No, but Sam and I had a fight, as usual.

It's been that way with Valerie and I.

Is she still that stupid romantic?

Of course.

You better be careful, my neighbors might see.

I don't care.

-Oh, yes, you do. -No, I don't.

And I bet I can make you not care, too.

I don't know about that.

I bet I can.

You might have to try.

Take off your jacket.

-Excuse me? -Take off your jacket.

Ooh.

Okay.

So what do we have here? Dominatrix?

No, that's way too much work.

I'd rather be a tease.

Mmm, that's right.

I missed you, too.

-He missed you, too. -(LAUGHS) I bet he did.

He told me.

(FLY UNZIPPING)

(MOANING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GLASS CLINKS)

Ow!

(EXHALES)

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

Oops.

-Dry clean only. -Thanks a lot.

You are mine.

Well, I, uh...

-Hate to come and go. -I know. I know, I know.

-(CAR DOOR BEEPING) -I'll see you later.

-Bye. -Bye.

(BOTH MOANING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

Back in the olden days, it was like

women were not supposed to talk about sex

or enjoy sex.

It was a duty as a wife.

That was the way ladies behaved.

I guess I'm not a lady.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

MAN: What the hell is going on over there, John?

You guys have let our competitors get a jump on us again?

I thought we were gonna underbid them this time.

Yes, sir, I'm sorry about that.

Look, John, I know you've had some personal problems,

but they cannot affect your work.

-Well, I didn't think... -That's right, you didn't think.

Fix it, John, or this whole fucking deal is down the toilet.

(HANGS UP)

Gee, everything sure sounds rosy.

Please, don't sound so damn cheerful, all right?

Sorry. Uh, holler if you need anything.

It seems like

I've waited my whole life

for someone to love me.

That's all I want.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

Hmm.

Is this what you like?

Something different?

Something daring?

Who are you hiding from?

I feel so self-conscious.

Why?

I'm your husband.

Mmm-mmm.

(MOANS)

Ow!

(SHUSHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANS)

(GASPS)

Ow! Ah!

What are you doing?

David! Ow!

Something changed.

I changed, we changed.

I guess it was me.

Oh, God.

What?

(SIGHS)

We don't need to move these.

I wanna talk to you about something.

Please, I already know.

I don't like bondage.

I stopped taking my birth control pills.

What?

Don't I get a say in this?

You know, it's gotten to the point where

I don't care what you have to say about it.

I wanna have a baby!

One way or another, I will.

That's pretty selfish.

I think you're the one that's being selfish.

You know, every single time I try to talk to you about it,

I bring it up, you refuse to discuss it!

I'm the one stuck at home! I can't find a job!

I wanna use this time to start a family!

You're the one who's being selfish.

I know I love him.

I do.

But I've never felt that union...

The one in the marriage vows.

The one that says,

"The two shall be as one."

We're still two halves...

(PHONE RINGING)

Karen.

You're not gonna believe what this bitch has done.

She's gone off her birth control pills.

Like it matters, anyway. You're not sleeping with her, right?

Yeah, I know. I just think it's so damn deceptive.

(SCOFFS) And you aren't?

Surprise.

I'll call you back.

Those are the ugliest balloons I have ever seen in my life.

That's because they're not balloons.

They're actually condoms filled with helium.

They symbolize my emancipation from birth control.

-(SNICKERS) -KAREN: I see.

-It's not that I'm pushing. -Yeah.

-I'm just making a statement. -Right.

Well, I acknowledge your statement,

and I renew my prescription for birth control pills.

Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.

You have time to grab some lunch with me?

Yeah, we can do that.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, God, I missed you!

God, it's good to have you back!

Oh, thanks. The kids can't wait to see you.

(LAUGHS) Karen said she got you a heck of a deal on the house.

Yeah, she did.

It's a big weight off my shoulders, too.

I couldn't stand being in the same town with that woman.

I know.

But it's over now.

Yeah.

So, how've you been?

Okay.

And I got a second interview with that new electric car company.

Oh, my gosh, that's great!

But don't ruin it just because you're trying to get pregnant.

I know, I know. One day at a time.

Yeah.

CAROL: It's the best way.

VALERIE: So, besides moving, what have you been up to?

-Oh, I signed up for tennis lessons. -Hey!

CAROL: So, do you and Karen wanna join me?

-VALERIE: Er, we'll see. -(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks for having lunch.

Anytime.

Back to work.

SAM: Hi, Mom.

-JOAN: Hi. -(KAREN EXHALES)

Hello, Joan.

Don't worry, grand babies, you'll see light soon.

I'm working on it every day, Mom.

Joan, I promise, you'll be the first to know.

I'll remember that.

Have you found me a house yet?

No, Joan, not yet. Just be patient, okay?

Now, remember, not too far from Sammy.

I wanna be able to see my grandchildren every day.

(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

Did everyone have one?

-Yeah. -Okay, I propose a toast.

And I'm giving you your clanking.

-Clank, clank, clank, clank. -(CLANKING)

I wanna propose a toast to John, Carol, Samantha and Kelly.

Oh.

They're not here, we'll toast them an absentia.

-Welcome home. -(ALL CHEERING)

-Cheers! -Cheers!

Speaking of the kids, where are they, anyway?

Ah, spending quality time with grandma and grandpa.

-ALL: Ah! -SAM: I see.

-KAREN: A little alone time for you guys? -Yeah.

Have you guys looked through the house?

It's great, and the kids are gonna love the pool.

That's why we picked it, you see.

We don't have a pool.

Okay, I got the hint.

This is the official open invitation to the pool.

-Yes! -Thank you.

-KAREN: That's all I needed. -I can't wait to see the kids, though.

-And now dessert. -ALL: Dessert!

Kids, what a big responsibility. I mean...

Truly, once you have them, your life is never the same.

How bad, God.

-John, John. -CAROL: Midnight feedings.

SAM: John, I feel some negativity here.

Oh, I know. It's crazy!

Believe me, you know, babies are a lot of work.

It's not an easy thing, this pregnancy bullshit.

-On fathers. -No, I'm telling you.

KAREN: On fathers?

VALERIE: Oh, excuse me!

VALERIE: Excuse me.

KAREN: All the work is not on the fathers.

Well, it's natural.

KAREN: It's natural?

It might be natural, but it's hell on women, too.

I mean, you get nausea, stretch marks, labor.

KAREN: Hey, and what about those monthly exams?

Put your legs on the stirrup, dearie.

-Oh, yes, Doctor. -JOHN: Not bad.

Yes. Here you go, Doctor.

That reminds me.

I've decided to become a gynecologist.

SAM: Oh, God, come on.

So, tell me, where does it hurt?

Oh, a little higher, Doctor.

Yes! Yes, Doctor! Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

-(MOANING LOUDLY) -(ALL LAUGHING)

SAM: Just leave her alone, come on!

(LAUGHING)

That was funny.

-Very funny. Really funny. -DAVID: Thank you.

KAREN: You're welcome, you're welcome.

I will never admit to being stupid waste.

And then you remember the time we all wanted to start a commune?

ALL: Oh!

CAROL: Free love.

-KAREN: Those were the days. -And that reminds me.

You guys still owe me an orgy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

KAREN: I remember that, y'all. Remember?

We were gonna see who were sexually compatible.

-That's right. -(LAUGHS)

-How's your schedule tomorrow? -CAROL: Oh, very funny.

Oh, I'm totally free.

I'm booked. I'm booked. I'm booked. I'm booked.

DAVID: How about Labor Day?

KAREN: Labor day. Labor day.

He's really getting into this.

-DAVID: Come on. -Well, you are ridiculous.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have got to go back to work.

-No. -KAREN: You just got here.

Well, he says he's not a workaholic.

Gotta go.

-VALERIE: Well, it was good to see you for a little while. -Thank you.

SAM: He's here, he's gone. He's here, he's gone.

-All right, see you later. -See you...

Karen and I have to take off, too.

-Oh, yeah. -Some contracts.

Possibly a new client, so well, we better get going.

-Bye. -CAROL: Oh, okay.

-Bye. Good seeing you. -Yeah, later. Great.

-Bye. Welcome back. -Bye.

-I'll stay, help you clean up. -No, you will not.

-Oh, yes, I will. -You will not. You must be exhausted.

No.

Anyway, you have a tennis lesson first thing in the morning.

Oh, I forgot.

-And I gotta enjoy this while the kids are gone. -(ALL LAUGHING)

-Well, go ahead. -Thank you.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

Bye, Sam.

Oh.

Oh, don't worry, I'll stay.

Oh, what a guy. I always knew you were a catch.

I understand there's an opening for a woman who wants to give...

I mean, get ahead.

Let me see your resume.

You get the job.

You are so beautiful.

Thank you.

Um...

Would you be insulted if I just wanted to talk?

Most people don't believe it, but you spend a lot of time just talking.

If people would just talk to each other more,

it would put a serious dent in my business.

SAMANTHA: Hello.

Hi, sweetheart. You girls are still up?

Hi, Mom. Can I get the biggest bedroom?

No, you got the second biggest.

I got the biggest.

Can I talk to dad?

Uh, no, honey. He's not home right now.

I thought you said that after we move, dad will be home more.

He will, I promise. You go to bed now. I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

I never meant to hurt my wife.

It just happened.

DAVID: Hello.

Hmm.

Let's see... What to do? What to do? What to do?

I know...

Take off your clothes.

Now, is that anyway to talk to your wife's best friend?

I sure don't talk to my wife like that.

I grew up in a home that...

Where you were either being totally ignored or you were being hit.

Being totally ignored was the worst.

(MOANING)

-(MOANING LOUDLY) -(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Well, you gotta love yourself

before you can love somebody else.

Otherwise

it won't last.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Val, come on.

Come on.

Now, come on. I'm gonna be late for work. Stop.

Valerie, come on.

-Who cares? You're the boss. -I care.

Valerie...

-Stop. -Mmm-mmm.

-I'm telling you to stop. -Mmm-mmm.

-Stop. -Mmm-mmm...

Valerie...

Stop it.

Valerie, come on.

I'm not going to be manipulated into becoming a father before I'm ready.

I thought you understood.

I thought you agreed.

See? That's one of your problems.

You only hear what you wanna hear.

The more she tried to love me,

the further it pushed me away.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

-You are the coach from hell. -(LAUGHS)

Well, you'll come to love that pain.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not into that.

Well, thanks for the lesson.

Mmm-hmm.

-See you next time. -Mmm-hmm.

I'll look forward to it.

JOAN: Hi, Sammy.

Hi, Mom.

Has Karen found me a house yet?

Karen's found you 20 houses, Mom.

You've just turned them all down.

Well, they were all too far from your place.

I think that was the idea.

I beg your pardon.

She's still trying, Mom.

I wish she was trying to have a baby.

Sam, you can tell me.

Am I gonna be a grandmother before I die?

We have plenty of time, Mom.

We want to travel, we want to enjoy being a couple, you know.

Couple-schmuple.

I think Karen's just afraid to ruin her figure.

Mom, did you know these plants grow wild in Nigeria?

All right. Okay. Okay.

(PHONE RINGING)

Karen.

DAVID: I miss you.

(CHUCKLES) No, you didn't.

You just want sex.

Wanna make something of it?

Maybe.

You better know what you want or I'll make you sorry.

-Ooh. I didn't even have to say please. -(SNICKERS)

You'll be saying more than please in about 20 minutes.

Promises, promises.

-I'll meet you there. -Don't you make me wait.

That's beautiful. Did you make this yourself?

Yeah.

It's got a few mistakes, but I'm happy with it.

That is a lot of work.

Kept me busy, got my mind on other things.

VALERIE: Hey...

-Oh. -Can I borrow this?

I thought I threw all those away.

-Don't apologize. -Oh, David gets that kind of stuff, too?

Well, we did, when we were first married.

He even used to read the articles.

Great for masturbating.

I wish John would outgrow it. I hate all that stuff.

You can't live up to those women.

You don't have to. I mean, these women are paid to be perfect.

That's how they earn their living.

Then why do our husbands expect us to look like that?

Wishful thinking?

Wishful sexual revolutionaries have been defeated.

These things just add a little spice to the old sex life stew.

Tough.

Do you mind if I borrow one of these?

I feel the need to, um, reminisce.

Be my guest.

My game, my rules.

(MOANING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANS)

(BREATH TREMBLING)

(STRAINS)

Ah.

David...

Valerie.

What?

-What did you say? -What?

You called me Valerie, God damn it!

(STUTTERING) What did I do?

You can't even be honest with me!

I'm sorry, I made a mistake.

Yeah, you bet it was.

Karen, come on!

Karen...

Karen... (STAMMERING)

I didn't mean anything by it. Come on.

Karen...

God damn it!

I just felt so alone.

I... I felt like...

Sam wouldn't even try. He couldn't even try.

Like, he didn't care enough to try.

So, I, uh...

I turned to somebody that could.

JOHN: So he didn't tell you anything at all?

Sorry.

I don't know what's gonna happen now.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, I'm sorry. John, I'll wait outside.

No, that's okay. I was just leaving.

Must be nice to work in a place that doesn't smell like steer manure.

(JOHN SNICKERS)

Listen, David called. He's running late.

Said he'll meet us at the hotdog stand.

You ready?

Definitely.

What's the matter, Karen?

You look like you did the time I told you of my mom's best makeup.

It's nothing. I mean...

Just an impossible client.

So what have you guys been doing all week?

The usual.

Valerie's been helping me unpack.

My kids have a lot of toys.

Yeah, what's with the toys?

When I was a kid, we just got toys on Christmas and birthdays.

Now, Carol, you can't blame it on the kids.

I mean, admit it.

You never met a garage sale of what you didn't like.

Such an interesting woman.

Sam sure is ready for kids.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

Maybe I should borrow your husband.

Only if you bring him back trained.

How can you possibly complain about Sam?

-He's such a doll. -Yeah.

A doll that needs new batteries.

Now, if men have their way,

they would have us in some wild, passionate sex orgy.

Seriously, guys, haven't you ever thought of it?

Well, yeah, but that was in college.

So, what has changed?

-We're responsible adults now. -Yeah.

(SIGHS) Great.

We're responsible, bored, incredibly unhappy adults.

DAVID: Thank you.

-Gentlemen. -BOTH: Hey.

Hope you don't mind I ordered already. Let's see.

-Mustard-ketchup-relish, for you. -Right. Yep.

Ketchup-mustard-relish for you, and, er, the same for me.

Why, thank you.

(DAVID HUMMING)

Oh, Jesus!

Hi!

SAM: (LAUGHING) You're relentless.

DAVID: She wanted me.

SAM: Yeah, right.

How's the new house?

It's great.

I told David I went off birth control pills.

Now he doesn't want to have sex with me.

Well, you had to.

You can't have a relationship based on dishonesty.

Valerie, I mean, maybe you're just pushing him too much.

Sex on demand...

Ooh, sex on demand.

Karen would walk funny the rest of her life.

You bet your ass I would.

And you couldn't blast that smile off my face with a sandblaster.

Men have it easy.

Sex is just a basic biological urge to them.

You know, women have it easy.

They just get to lie there and let us do all the work.

We have to figure out which buttons to push and which ones to leave alone.

It's just your basic marital duty.

There is nothing basic about sex if you know what you're doing.

I know what you mean.

For men, it's completely physical.

For women, sex is an emotional bond. I miss the closeness.

To men, sex isn't just physical.

It's a test of your manhood every time.

Women get to lie there and enjoy the entire experience,

and we men spend our time

-and try not to enjoy it too much. -(CHUCKLES)

Sex...

Who has time for it?

Sex with your wife...

I mean, who wants to make an effort at it.

You have to make the time for sex.

If you don't, your whole marriage can fall apart.

Guys, admit it.

I mean, don't you get tired of being with the same person

day in, day out, year after year?

Well, sure you do.

That's why you spice it up now and then.

Spice?

What about uncontrollable lust?

I miss the lust.

Think about the thrill of kissing someone new for the first time.

I mean, the first time you fucked her.

KAREN: The way his mouth feels on yours.

-The smell of her -(SNIFFS)

different, secret place.

KAREN: The texture of a new tongue against yours.

The texture of her...

The way he responds to you.

The way your body responds to...

Excuse me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thanks.

I needed that.

(LAUGHING)

(JOHN LAUGHS)

(JOHN LAUGHS)

Oh.

-Whoa! -Have a hotdog, pal.

(ALL LAUGHING)

An example to us all.

I'm getting old.

You look superb, for a woman who's had two kids.

Oh, thanks.

I wish I could take superb without the disclaimer.

Carol...

Are you ready to try again?

I don't know.

Please.

SAMANTHA: Mom, we're home.

-Kids are home. -(SIGHS) Yeah.

It's okay. Everybody's coming over soon, anyway.

(SIGHS)

I know

I keep busy

to avoid

looking at my life

and my marriage.

I don't wanna know what's going on,

'cause then I'll have to deal with it.

KAREN: So, how's the job hunting going?

Oh, God, I chased down every lead.

Here you go. I can't.

How about you? Found a new home for Sam's mom?

Oh, no, we have a bit of a conflict, you see?

Now, mom wants to be right next door,

and Karen wants her to be in the next state.

That woman is like...

She just saw different things for me, that's all.

Thanks. I feel a lot better now.

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

We need some salad dressing out here.

KAREN: You wouldn't if you had chosen...

CAROL: Because grandmas are best baby sitters.

Ah, reason number 265 not to have children.

You understand?

I mean, please, aside from dealing with the bitchy in-laws,

kids wreck sex life. Am I right?

SAM: Tell me about it.

Yeah. I mean, guys, I'm too young to settle down.

Well, what, isn't marriage being settled down?

VALERIE: Yeah. JOHN: Yeah.

KAREN: I call it too settled down.

All will be solved after the orgy.

Oh, I think that'll start a lot...

Wait a minute. How would an orgy work, anyway?

I mean, you know, so nobody feels left out.

I'll choreograph it, so everyone is satisfied.

KAREN: Ooh. SAM: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

SAM: Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Dave knows everything about sex.

That's me.

King arrives on his own.

(ALL LAUGHING)

But first... (GROWLS)

SAM: Very warped.

Sam, please. You don't even know what warped is.

I mean, you haven't got a clue.

Have some chips.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh. Ow!

Men and women do think a little differently about sex, but not a lot.

If men said what they really thought,

there would be no more populating the earth.

DAVID: There you are. All right.

Okay, okay.

Napkin to porn. Change to porn. Thank you.

What do you really think?

Well, you want us to be entirely honest.

And then when we are, you don't like what you hear.

So, we lie...a lot.

-Lie? -No, at least try.

-CAROL: No, you don't. -You don't lie.

JOHN: No, no. DAVID: It's a very good point.

He's got a point.

-It's true, you know? -Like when?

Okay. The other day when you asked if

I thought that shampoo model was really good looking,

I said, "Yeah, she's okay."

Well, what if I had told you

that I had already, let me see,

mentally fucked her in the ass?

-(DAVID LAUGHING) -What would you have done?

Thank you.

Would you have made me that nice lemon meringue pie, huh?

(DAVID LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Damn it, there goes dessert.

You are really disgusting.

DAVID: Jesus.

Well, now...

-KAREN: Way to go. Way to go. -Yeah.

You know, men aren't completely honest with each other, either.

Thanks, pal.

If I told Sam what I really thought of Karen's ass, he'd kill me.

I'd kill you.

DAVID: Whoa, whoa.

Waste perfectly good chocolate?

JOHN: Yeah, all right, Sammy boy.

(LAUGHTER)

So, how often do you fantasize about women?

Only when I see one.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Can I throw pies, too?

-Hey. -(LAUGHTER)

-Here, have another one. -Hey, thanks.

*

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

You know, I wish you wouldn't make this junk.

I'm getting a gut.

Samantha wanted cakes for the bake sale.

It's just leftovers.

I found a box of your nasty magazines the other day.

Were they so important that they had to move with us.

Why are you bringing that up again?

You know, you don't even know what nasty is.

Maybe you should have married a slut.

Well, you used to be a slut.

I can't be a slut and a mom.

Why not?

Why bother? You can find another slut in the secretarial pool.

You know, I moved the whole damn family to get away from her.

Is that not enough for you, or are you just gonna play the ice queen forever?

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

-Where are you going? -Out.

-Do you mind? -Yes, I do.

I have a tennis lesson, and you're watching the kids.

-Wasn't on the calendar. -Yes, it was.

No, stop it.

Please don't!

JOHN: Hi, kiddos, how are you?

(SIGHS)

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay. You're worth waiting for.

Bet you say that to all your paying customers.

What I had in mind is free.

Um, we should probably get to the tennis lessons.

(CHUCKLES)

VALERIE: Care to join me?

Stop.

-Stop. -No.

-Stop. Come on. come on. -No.

Stop!

Do you think this turns me on?

I don't know what turns you on anymore, David.

It sure the hell isn't this.

If you have problems, the parent,

your children are gonna have problems.

And if you're not ready to bring a child into this world,

you don't do it.

It's not fair to them.

I'm not ready.

Valerie, what's wrong.

David still refuses to make love to me.

Still? So, like, just take control.

Take charge. Make him make love to you. Use him for what you need.

I mean, you never know. Maybe he'd like to be the submissive one.

I don't like to be aggressive.

I don't think David would like to be submissive.

(SIGHING) Anything I try...

Candles, sexy lingerie, nothing.

Now you're just using the wrong end of the candle.

You're really something.

Yeah, but creative.

Maybe I should borrow more of your dirty magazines.

Dirty? What's dirty?

CAROL: The stuff in the magazines.

Men with men, women with women. I don't get it.

See, the magazines are fine if we just accept them for what they are.

Titillating fantasies for arousal.

Yeah, but what if you take those fantasies and bring them to life?

Make them real.

-You see, then you ruin the fantasy. -KAREN: How?

The most powerful erogenous zone you have is your brain.

My brain is mush.

Mine isn't.

I have fantasies, and I wanna act them out.

Isn't our big orgy coming up?

Labor Day, tomorrow?

You see, now, that's a mistake.

-(SIGHS) -No, no...

Let's say you fantasize your whole life about making love to another woman.

Yeah?

Well, in your fantasy, everything's all so focused and beautiful.

You don't have cellulite, she's perfect.

She knows your every wish and desire.

There are no consequences.

But the reality is, you do have cellulite.

Chances are so does she.

She doesn't even know you.

So how's she gonna know your every wish and desire?

As for consequences,

what if she's processing your loan?

You don't make her cum, you don't get the house?

(LAUGHTER)

David would say,

"All will be solved after our orgy tomorrow."

VALERIE: Yeah, right.

WAITER: I'm sorry, Mrs. Gordon,

I've been asked by the credit card company to keep your card.

Oh, there must be some mistake.

KAREN: Here, don't... Don't worry, I'll get it.

There you go.

CAROL: Thank you.

What the hell is going on?

What are you talking about?

My credit card was confiscated.

I haven't put anything on it in over a year!

(SIGHS) We'll talk about it later.

No, we will talk about it now!

Takes two to have a conversation.

Fine.

I'll call the credit card company.

I'll get copies of the charges.

I can tell my friends, my girlfriends

some amazingly personal things.

But I can't talk to John.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm afraid that he would know me too well.

And then he could really hurt me.

DAVID: Here's to another Labor Day.

(ALL CHEERING)

KAREN: Yup, It's Labor Day, all right.

-DAVID: To togetherness. -Fuckin' A.

-Togetherness. -DAVID: If I recall correctly,

you guys all owe me something.

-What could it be? -KAREN: Ooh.

DAVID: What can that be? That's a good question.

You don't remember?

-I... -Okay.

-Do you remember? -I'm gonna have to help you out here, okay?

Let's see. Uh...

Is that an urge?

ALL: No.

That's not quite...

-Something like it, though. -DAVID: Okay, okay.

What else?

An orchestration.

Three strikes and you're out, Dave.

DAVID: Close, close. That's not it. Okay, I'm getting close.

Sounds like gossip.

Give me a second, I'll get this.

I know. An orgy!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-Remember? Come on now. -(MOUTHING)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Orgy.

Okay, fine. Fine.

It's like I gotta do all the work now.

Let's see. How am I known to do this? I know.

You, professor, you, my dear, you come with me.

-I'll go with you. -Go get him, babe.

-DAVID: You go here. -(KAREN LAUGHING)

Hit me anywhere.

-You sit right now. -Here?

-Now, down. -SAM: Thank you very much.

-And you, my dear... -VALERIE: Uh-oh, next victim.

-...you come this way. -JOHN: Hmm.

I think he's really into orgy.

VALERIE: Oh, my God, around here. Uh-oh.

There you go.

-You sit right, right there. -Go, go, go.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. -(LAUGHING)

Easy, killer. Easy, killer.

And you!

(LAUGHING)

-KAREN: I would run. -You.

You shall be mine.

DAVID: Mine's no good.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

Sit, sit down.

Oh, poor John's all alone now.

(VALERIE CLEARING THROAT)

Oh. Give her some tongue, Dave.

-Oh. -SAM: Go ahead.

Excuse me, you guys have your own partners, so, please.

Since when do we take lessons from you?

Yeah, we'll watch a master.

-KAREN: Start. -JOHN: Begin.

-(GIGGLES) -(LAUGHS)

DAVID: Doing some smacking in there.

You're so lip-smacking fun.

VALERIE: Sounds noisy.

SAM: She's loving it!

Oh, what's going on over there.

-Uh-oh. -Oh, no.

SAM: Oh, isn't that fun?

Yeah, pull your pants down, pal.

David.

-That's enough, David. -(DAVID GROANS)

-JOHN: Come on. Come on. -David.

-Bad boy. -KAREN: It's not funny.

SAM: No, it's not funny, David.

If it's a joke, it's gone far enough, all right.

What, you want me, too? Come on, come on.

-Come on, I'm ready. Come on. -No, I don't.

It was a joke, David. It's over. That's enough.

-Just let it... -JOHN: (SIGHS) Shit.

Come on, now. Wait a minute. No, no, no.

It's not a joke. We had a deal, remember?

Huh? We made a deal!

No, no. Come on now. We made a deal.

-David, stop it. It's a joke. -JOHN: Easy.

It's over now, right.

Well, sorry, Dave, you can't have an orgy all by yourself.

It's one of the rules. (CHUCKLES)

KAREN: I think he's right.

SAM: Oh, man.

(SAM TEASING)

KAREN: Wouldn't be much of an orgy.

-(SAM CACKLING) -I was just kidding.

-Come on. Come on. -KAREN: He could probably make it work, though.

Got you all excited, though, didn't I?

-Oh, I was in a frenzy. -DAVID: Major thing.

SAM: Oh, my God, you had me fooled.

DAVID: I did, though, didn't I?

(SAM CACKLING)

KAREN: Yeah, yeah. JOHN: Yeah, right.

(SIGHS) I tried.

I really did. I tried talking to Sam about it.

Like it would magically fix things.

It didn't.

If it was anything, it made it worse.

You know, you're really beautiful.

Yeah, right.

Karen counts totally

on her sexuality for validation.

If she's not getting some kind of

animal response,

it's not good enough.

Karen.

Karen.

-I love you. -(CHUCKLES)

How can you, Sam? You don't even know me.

Of course, I do. Of course, I do. We have our goals.

2.3 kids that we're working on, and we have our own business.

We like to travel.

Sam, what... Where have you been?

Where have you been?

Have you just not even noticed that I've changed?

-You haven't gained that much weight. -God damn it, Sam.

I'm serious. You just don't even listen to me.

Why did you marry me?

I don't even know what you want anymore.

I don't think that I want you anymore.

Wait a second.

What are you talking about?

God, cut it out with all this romantic crap, Sam.

I'm so sick of it!

God, what do I have to do?

What do I have to do to get you to be a real man? Where are your real emotions?

Don't hide them from me. God damn it!

-What do you want? -Stop being such a wimp!

I am not a wimp!

-Yes. -I am... No, I am not a wimp!

God damn it!

(KAREN SOBBING)

I lost it. I...

In an instant, I could have killed her.

(SIGHS)

She pushed me,

but blaming her does not make me feel any better.

I hurt her,

and I don't know if we're ever gonna get past that.

John?

(JOHN MOANS)

Are you awake?

Mmm, yeah.

Thanks for sticking up for me back there.

Mmm. Mmm, yeah, no problem.

(JOHN MOANING)

Where'd you learn how to do that?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't believe you just said that.

(SIGHS)

God, is this what the rest of our lives is gonna...

Are we gonna have to guard every word?

You made your bed. Lie in it.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, this is John. Is Monica available?

No, I don't want anyone else.

All right, let me give you another card.

4-5-1-0-8-7-3-7

6-5-5-3-9-7-6-3. Yeah.

Okay.

-(AUTO DIALING) -(LINE RINGING)

WOMAN: Jane's escort service.

Fuck you!

It's hard to want him again,

knowing he's been with another woman.

His hands,

his mouth,

his thoughts.

But

it's hard to not want him again.

So, you wanna try again?

I'm sorry.

I love my wife.

I don't know how to get her back.

You always say she doesn't talk to you.

Have you ever tried talking to her?

No.

Damn him!

(SOBBING)

DAVID: Tonight,

I'm in charge.

So, stud, what do you have in mind for me?

-(GRUNTS) -(GASPS)

(SHUDDERS)

Maybe it's time to take this relationship to a new level.

KAREN: Who the hell is this?

DAVID: She's here to teach us a few lessons.

Turns out, we're just amateurs.

David, I liked being an amateur.

Come on, Karen, let yourself go.

This is what you've been wanting, hmm?

What you fantasize about.

In one way, you get another chance.

Come on, you know you want it.

This is all just part of a game.

And the name of the game is...

-Ugh. -Humiliation.

(STRUGGLING) No, it's supposed to be fun, David.

Yes. For me!

KAREN: What?

I'm not gonna fuck your boyfriend.

Are ready? Why don't you come down...

KAREN: David.

David.

David.

(GRUNTING)

Like you said, it's just sex.

David.

-(BOTH GRUNTING) -David.

David, no!

I don't know how to fix it.

I just know

I can't live the rest of my life this way.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

We move our family halfway across the state to get away from your lover,

and you call an escort service!

I'm getting my needs met

because you sure as hell won't have anything to do with it.

That doesn't give you the right to go cadding around!

-What the fuck do you want me to do? -I want you to respect me.

I want you to respect our wedding vows.

Why? You don't.

Damn you!

All right. So what if I was with a prostitute, huh?

Can you smell her on me?

She smells good, doesn't she?

You know what, she was really good!

In fact, the best I ever had. You smell that?

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

She is not the only one this hurts.

It hurts me, too.

You don't think that I buy into that perfect family dream?

(SIGHS)

Hey, isn't that your tennis coach?

CAROL: Yeah, he used to be.

(SIGHS) Some group.

I look like death warmed over.

(SCOFFS) I feel like death warmed over.

So, how's your love life?

That'll really cheer us up.

Mine is worse than ever.

-How do you and John do it? -(SCOFFS)

Badly.

We never made love since the affair.

Carol, that was over a year ago.

I mean, I don't understand how you can live like that.

Don't you have needs?

-No. -No?

It's like that part of my life is just a closed book.

I mean, I missed it at first, mostly just the cuddling.

But after a while,

it just doesn't matter.

What went wrong?

Well...

John brought home dirty magazines

and I got mad, started to close off.

And then he protested by bringing home racier and racier magazines.

Then he had the affair.

VALERIE: Don't you wanna fix it?

I don't know.

I just found out he was using an escort service.

VALERIE: (EXHALES) Are you sure?

Yeah.

That's why my credit card was maxed out.

And I caught him calling them.

We had a huge fight.

-Well, what do you want to do? -What do you mean?

You have a choice.

Do you wanna stay married or not?

I don't know.

Doesn't anybody have a happy marriage anymore?

Karen, you're so lucky.

Sam is...

He's amazing.

(SOFTLY) Yeah, he is.

(SPUTTERS)

That's it.

We're phased out.

Shit.

Well, I'm gonna

buy my wife some flowers on the way home.

Break it to her real gentle.

(SIGHING) It would take more than flowers to put my life back in order.

All I wanna do is start over.

The beginning, with Carol.

(SOBBING)

Where are you going?

There's no easy way to say this.

I had a vasectomy two years ago.

What?

I don't understand.

I don't want what you want.

I'll call when I get a new address.

-What? -(DAVID ZIPPING BAG)

You're leaving me?

Why?

What did I do?

What... What did I do?

I've been a good wife to you.

God damn you!

God damn you!

(WHIMPERING) I've been the perfect wife.

It's not you.

It's me.

I'm so sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

No.

(SOBBING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

-Karen I thought that's what you wanted. -(SOBBING)

I've done a lot of things, Sam.

It's not what I want anymore.

It's just sex.

All I want is you.

(CAR HONKS)

Girls.

Here, honey.

SAMANTHA: Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Have a good day.

SAMANTHA: Thanks.

JOHN: Carol.

-We need to talk. -You're damn right we do.

Things have gotten out of hand, okay.

Yes, they have.

Do you want to leave me?

Right now I do.

Okay.

My job has been phased out.

And, uh...

Well, I guess you just picked a real winner, huh?

Um, I want to go to counseling this time, okay?

But the whole thing is up to you, because I know this...

This entire thing is my fault.

I just don't want to lose you.

-Or the kids. -(SNIFFLES)

Where are we going?

Wherever the next flight takes us.