Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

- Wally. - Thanks everyone.

That's how it's done.

Give it up, Blade Bandits.

Knifecorp, Knifecorp, Knifecorp.

All right, all right, all right.

We don't sell knives.

I'm going to say that again.

We don't sell knives.

We sell ourselves.

- Yeah. - Like prostitution?

Now, when I look out at this group,

recent high school graduates,

some 11th graders who just got their parents' permission,

I don't see salespeople and saleswomen, of course.

I see business owners.

I see entrepreneurs.

I see the future leaders of this generation.

Raul, now!

Knifecorp, Knifecorp, Knifecorp,

Knifecorp, Knifecorp, Knifecorp.

Okay, okay, quiet down.

I know we're all excited to get out there and start selling,

but knocking on doors, making pitches to strangers

all day isn't easy

unless you know your why.

That is why I would like to call up

a very special new recruit to the Blade Bandits.

I read a lot of applications,

but this one,

this one literally brought me to tears.

All the way from the Far East,

please welcome, Buddy Chang.

Why don't you tell everybody your why, Buddy?

Why are you here with us today at Knifecorp?

My name is Buddy Chang.

I had barely taken my first few steps as a child, when I...

Standing above her body was my father who was...

So I knew I had to come to America and make a diff...

And now I am here to use this opportunity

to save as many lives as I can.

So Knifecorp may have killed my mother,

but it saved my life.

Thank you.

Thank you for your courage.

Now with that in mind, it is time to cut you loose,

see how you do in the field.

Now, first-time sellers, you'll be selling in groups.

You two with Wally Banks.

Can my girlfriend come, too, we're kind of, you know,

- boyfriend-girlfriend. - I'm not your girlfriend,

- you psycho. - Yeah, that's fine,

I'm not getting involved with your high school drama.

- Thank you. - Wait, what the hell?

I don't want to be with them.

We're inseparable.

Stop saying that to people, that's how rumors

- get started. - I only say it to you.

Real quick, if you ever feel unsafe, you,

Take your knives and leave.

And if you show back up here without your knives?

You're going to have to pay 25 bucks.

Okay, that's 2,500 bucks.

All right, chief?

Don't lose 'em.

Lastly, we have the new recruit incentive.

First newbie to sell a platinum series set

gets a deluxe set to take home with him,

plus $1,000 cash.

Welcome to Knifecorp.

What's the game plan when we get there?

Should we team up?

Well, me being the obvious leader...

Being third-string quarterback does not

qualify you as a leader.

And having daddy issues does not qualify you

to make fun of me, I'm not your bad dad,

even though I know you want me to be your daddy.

- Ew. - You want me to adopt you.

You're so weird, you take it too far sometimes.

- Hey guys. - What are you gonna do?

According to the map, our territory is right here.

I think we can stop fighting and start selling.

Fine, let's divide up the block.

Yes, divide and conquer.

That is the only way to survive a murderous riot

In the Cambodian prison camp.

Dude, we're just selling knives, relax.

No, we don't sell knives, we sell ourselves.

- I know. - And he's right,

we need to divide and conquer, so we can win that prize.

That's the exact opposite of what we need to do.

I'm going to sell the first master set,

get the prize money, and get my own place

so I can get as far from my dad as possible.

Yes, with the money, I can finally pay the ransom

and free my sister from the triads.

Ooh. I hate to bust this beautiful family picture

you got going on, but you guys should all know

that I'm going to win this competition,

because daddy's going to pimp out his Nissan Sinatra.

You are so lame, I was so happy when Sarah dumped you.

Sarah did not dump me, just so everyone knows,

it was extremely mutual.

And B, don't act like you hang out with Sarah.

All right, what, you're like the second, third hottest girl

at the school and you don't have any friends.

Does anyone else think that's weird?

Hot girls are supposed to have, like,

four to five friends, right?

We've all seen "Mean Girls."

I pity the women who let you touch them.

Just so everyone's clear, I get tons of pussy.

Oh yeah? Well you know who probably gets

way more pussy than all of us?

Van, let's sell some knives so we can all get more.

- Pussy? - All right,

Wolf of Wally Street,

what are you going to do with the prize money if you win?

I would,

Sorry, one second.

Hey, Mom, is everything okay?

I didn't mean to bother you, I just wanted to see

how your first day was going.

It's fine,

is the house all done?

Yeah, a couple of the guys from the precinct came down

to, the rest of this stuff,

but I don't want you to worry about me so much,

everything's going to be okay.

Okay, Mom, there's a competition going on.

If I win, I can pull some money together.

I don't think that's going to work, Wally.

But listen, be careful, okay, and have fun.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

I love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Oh my God, $10,000.

Okay, how are we dividing up the block?

Already done.

That was fast.

Yeah, so I'm going to take even numbers,

Buddy's going to take odds.

Jed's going to take the condos on Spring Street

and that leaves you with the do-not-knock houses.

What, seriously?

That's not fair.

Dude, you're like the best salesman in the group,

it's actually extremely fair.

It's salesperson.

It's death of a salesman.

Who cares, look, I thought we were teaming up.

We could split the new prize four ways.

That's a lot of money.

Come on, Buddy.

You said the only way to survive was to divide and conquer.

Yes, that was for a prison camp, though.

$10,000 can finally arm the resistance

and liberate my village once and for all.

- Same. - All right then,

that's settled.

Come on, let's take a selfie.

No, that's not fair.

Get in.

Selfie time.

Okay, So let's meet back here at nine

and winner buys dinner.

- Not going to be me. - Damn it,

I don't have any reception.

Whatever, I'll tag you guys later.

It's Knifecorp.

Can I help you with something?

No, no, you look busy.

Sorry to bother you, have a good day.

Wait a second.

So what is this?

You peddle cheap silverware door to door

like one of those Slicecorp kids?

It's Knifecorp actually.

And we don't sell knives, we sell...

Well, you know what, sorry I asked.

I'm not interested in buying anything

and I don't have time for the whole song and dance.

Not even for the son of a deputy?

Especially not for the son of a deputy.

Good luck with the next house.

Wait, my dad was Eddie Banks,

maybe you've heard of him? He was killed by a 14...

14-year-old gang banger with no priors, yeah.

Every cop west of Texas knows the story.

I'm sorry about your father, it's a dangerous job.

Yeah, he died doing it and now my mom's about to lose

the house and nobody's doing a damn thing about it except...

Like I said, I'm sorry.

But if you came here looking for help

or looking for some sucker to buy your crap,

you came to the wrong house.

Is it the wrong house or the wrong time?

I mean, I'm pretty available this week,

- so just let me know when... - Banks.

I am trying to be nice here.

Now, I think it's time you leave before I report you.

Okay.

I couldn't help but notice that you're really struggling.

Look,

I appreciate the effort.

I get it.

I'm just not interested in buying anything right now.

Please allow me,

I can handle this for you in one second.

- Can you hold this? - No.

That's fine.

See, that's better.

No more,

all lives matter?

Yeah, I'm not really political.

Now, excuse me, I have to get back inside.

Wait, just let me give you a demonstration.

There's absolutely no obligation to buy

but I really need the practice.

Okay, you got two minutes, go.

Oh, can we do this inside actually?

Okay.

But remember, I'm listening, I'm not buying.

Great, perfect.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

Close the door behind you.

Okay.

This world is so unstable, unpredictable.

That is why the least you can do for your family's sake

is to bring stability into your kitchen with Knifecorp.

Wow, you really must've seen some shit, huh?

If by shit you mean watching the lives

of everyone you've ever loved taken

by the hands of a broken system,

then yes, I've seen some shit.

Honey, why don't we buy some knives

so this nice man can leave.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

We will, we'll buy knives.

Why don't you go get the kids and I'll take care of this.

It's a little early.

Traffic, there's so much traffic today.

Again.

Hey Buddy,

you mind showing me that demonstration again?

Which knife would you like to see again?

Oh I don't know, you have so many to choose from,

maybe the big one.

Oh, I have even bigger.

I bet you do.

You know I once saw a video internet

that started just like this.

Say internet again.

Internet.

America is great.

It is, God bless.

Don't touch anything.

It's an historic house.

Yes, sir.

Strange house, right?

Yeah, really nice.

We just moved in.

We?

Sorry, I,

I just lost Brenda a few months ago.

Old habits, you know?

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Finn, Angus Finn.

I suggest you get started because time is ticking

and remember I'm not buying, just listening.

Loud and clear, Mr. Finn.

Now let me ask you a simple question,

are you a quality or a quantity type of guy?

Well, I'm looking around and I'm guessing you're

the kind of guy who cares about quality.

I'm the same way, and so is Knifecorp.

When I hold up this Potato Carver Plus in front of me,

what's the first thing you see?

A knife.

Okay, but what specifically?

A virgin holding a knife.

Okay, but what about the knife

that the virgin is holding really stands out?

That he's got about 10 seconds left.

Well, that's more about the virgin than the knife.

And time.

Wait, do you have a penny?

Please.

Now tell me, Mr. Finn,

have you ever seen a pair of scissors so sharp

that they can cut right through copper?

Oh, sure, let's just deface some US currency.

Well, no pair of scissors can deface US currency

as quickly or easily as Knifecorp's.

Just got to use a little pressure and then,

ah shit!

I mean shoot.

Stay here.

There's no service?

That's weird.

Ah, shit.

Thank you.

This has been a real pleasure.

Thank you for trespassing.

What if instead of the platinum series,

we go silver lining set, it's basically the same thing,

but without the scissors,

still great for cutting things in there.

Mrs. Coleman, I know you said that you have

cut things before, this seems really in line

with your wants.

Thanks, but good luck with the next house.

Actually, it's not really the next house,

it's more of a last house,

the Williamsons down the street.

They've they just texted me because they're looking

for two platinum series sets, I guess.

- They're going with. - Hold on.

Debbie bought all of this?

Well, Debbie, she bought one, but it was her husband,

David, he bought...

Get out.

He bought like three, 'cause he's got

some friends, I guess, and he hates going to the mall

to shop for them,

just talking about how much of a drag it is

to go to the mall, and you got to park at the mall,

and be at the mall.

Don't want to go to the mall.

We'll take four.

Okay, cool, thanks.

And Mr. Coleman, I just want to say,

on my mom's side, I'm actually one-18th black

because I'm Sicilian, so I feel like

this transaction makes sense.

I feel like there's some good history.

It all feels right.

Are you sure you live alone?

Because I could have swore I heard somebody upstairs.

Why don't you quit before you get hurt again?

Excuse me.

That's a lot of meat.

You're going to need some sharp knives to carve all that up.

I have knives, thank you.

Not like these, you don't.

This Carver Deluxe will carve

right through that like butter.

Fine, you got five more minutes.

Make yourself useful.

Great, here, take this one, I'll use the Mini.

Let's get to work.

I'm going to regret this.

You won't regret this purchase, Mrs. Robinson.

Actually, it's really more like an investment.

Well, it is sharp.

You're very sharp for noticing.

Us ladies got to stay sharp.

You know what, stop saying sharp.

Sorry.

Look, you don't have to sell me so hard on this,

loosen up.

Do you want a glass of wine?

Oh, I'm actually not old enough to drink.

Yeah, well, I'm not old enough

to be going through menopause.

So there's that.

Will it be cash or credit?

Oh my God, you're amazing.

Can you feel that big blade energy

slicing through that bad cut.

I got to admit, it's a damn good knife.

Oh, it's more than just a knife.

- That is a... - It's getting time

for you to go is what it is.

Yeah, I guess so.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Finn.

Thank you, pal.

It's actually been nice having some company.

I had a really nice time, too.

Whoa, I'm not going to go steady with you.

Huh?

You seem to really like that Carver.

Gets the job done.

And speaking of jobs, before I go,

I really wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't at least ask

if you wanted to purchase your own Carver Deluxe.

We had a deal.

I let you into my home on the condition

you did not try to sell me and you lied.

Daddy.

Go back upstairs, sweetie.

Daddy, who is that?

Daddy, I thought you lived alone?

Get out of my house.

- Daddy, please. - Now!

Please don't hurt him, please,

he didn't do anything.

- Come on... - You are a liar.

- Please Dad, Dad, - I don't like liars.

- Stop it. - Belle, go to your room!

Now, I'm going to make you a deal.

You don't tell anybody about what you just saw

and I won't rip your fucking head off.

Is that a deal?

Deal.

- Yeah? - Yes.

Get out.

What the hell?

Perfect.

I guess Wally's not coming,

it's 'cause he's probably logging in a mountain of sales,

so I say the trifecta council of Tanya, Jed, and Buddy

nominates Tanya as our winner and buyer of the dinner.

Tanya, please give us a speech.

Thank you, Jed, for that wonderful introduction.

I see that being out in the field has changed you already.

Yeah, it totally changed me.

As you guys know, I've been trying to save up

some cash to move out, and thanks to Knifecorp,

I can start packing tonight.

Look who it is, Mr. Big Knife.

- Wally. - How many units did you move?

I'm really not in the mood, Jed.

Come on, Wally.

Stop acting like someone tried to make you eat

your brother's remains and take a joke.

You get me, dude.

You tired from filling out all those order forms?

Hey, does anyone know the name of Beauty

in "Beauty and the Beast?"

Yeah, it's like Jasmine, right?

I mean, you probably know the full name

'cause you're like the Disney fan, so, what is it?

Okay, A, that's sexist and, B, my dad hates Disney.

He said only a privileged white man would write a story

about a girl who needs to be saved by her friends.

Janelle, I'm ringing the bell here.

- I think it was Jasmine. - Yeah, it was Jasmine.

What is Disney?

That was kind of random, what's up?

This guy, he said he lived alone,

but he had a daughter named Belle,

it's like he was hiding her or something.

And he like freaked out on me at the end

and kicked me out of his house.

Wait, who names their daughter Belle?

That's like naming your daughter Ding-Dong.

No offense.

Well, Belle is a French word for beautiful woman or girl.

Dude, where are you from?

The East.

Where, give me the exact GPS coordinates of your origin.

Oh my God, who cares?

- Stop being so racist. - I just, I just wanna...

Wally, tell us what we want to know.

How much did you sell?

I didn't.

You didn't,

you didn't what?

I didn't sell anything.

How could you not have sold anything?

These knives, like, literally sell themselves.

I mean because you guys gave me the do-not-solicit houses.

Exactly, and you're going to be

like the first person to go to those houses.

And the last.

Great way of thinking, guys.

Wally, we're just messing with you.

You'll go out and do some demos tomorrow and get something,

I'm sure of it.

Dude, honestly, I'm not even messing with you

as much right now as me and my football friends

mess with each other.

If you want, we can pretend like you made a bunch of money

and then keep pretending and let you pay for the bill.

Thanks, Jed.

Goodnight, guys.

Wally, just remember,

don't come back without your knives.

- That was like spot on. - Wait,

where are my knives?

You're going to go right now?

Is this still crazy hide-a-daughter guy

we've been hearing about?

I don't have a lot of other options.

See you guys tomorrow.

You can't just let him go alone.

Wally, wait, we'll go with you,

gotta walk off this pizza,

I want to see this Jasmine girl.

I got reasons.

I appreciate it.

Wally, you have a good soul.

I will follow you into battle, brother,

- for blood is thicker than... - Well, I'm coming, too.

Breaking into some psycho's house still beats going home.

No, wait, we're not breaking in.

I'm just going to knock on the door and calmly explain

the situation and ask for my knives back.

What's the worst that can happen?

From my experience< you could possibly get stabbed.

Did he say stabbed?

'Cause I was thinking he could use our knives against us.

Honestly, I thought Hong Kong was kind of really cool

and everything, but I was a little bit grossed out

'cause I saw them kill a snake.

The best part about it was that it made me appreciate

India more, how do you feel about China?

I've never been there.

Are you guys cold?

Oh fuck.

Not really actually.

My nipples are so hard, look.

Oh wow, hard nipples, your mom must be so proud.

- This one's covered by the... - He's not answering.

I'll just come back tomorrow.

- Okay, cool. - No, no, no.

If you don't get those knives back,

Van is just going to make you pay for them

and they're, like, really expensive.

It happened to Sarah's brother.

Oh really, okay, oh, you're going to bring up Sarah.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to make me feel pain

'cause you like me and you don't know how to show love.

You're so dramatic, I can't.

Has someone told Buddy that me and Sarah had sex

on the football field, 'cause I feel like...

Why don't you just stop talking.

I just feel like it's something he should know.

Hello, guys.

What am I supposed to do now?

You run, Wally.

You run where they can never find you.

Okay, but if you do that,

Van's just going to make your mom pay for them.

No, no way.

I'm getting those knives back.

Okay, he's going to go get them, he's set.

How?

I need to borrow someone's peanut butter spreader.

I can lead you to the gates of hell

but I cannot promise your safe return.

Thanks for the confidence boost.

Pass me a paring knife.

Thanks.

Got it.

What are you doing?

I'm just taking my knives and leaving.

Never leave a man alone behind enemy lines.

Shit, I'm missing the Carver.

Don't panic, panic equals suicide.

We will split up and find your knife.

You go this way, I'll go that way.

- It's in my room. - Belle?

Quick, follow me.

Wait.

What are you doing?

It's my cello.

I'm lucky he lets me play it so much.

He said when he grew up, girls my age

were never allowed to play at night,

but it doesn't bother him.

That's great.

Do you have the knife?

Yeah, but first, can I play you my song?

This isn't the best time, I really need that knife.

You should really hear it.

I wrote it for you after you left.

If your dad finds me, he's going to kill me.

I really need to get the knife and get back to my friends.

Oh, Daddy won't mind.

He knew you'd be back.

What are you talking about?

Um, what's going on right now?

Belle, please, where is the knife?

Stop!

Don't you know it's rude to stop the symphony

before the crescendo.

Symphony, you don't even have strings.

I think you should come with me, you're not safe here.

Daddy says this is the only place that I'm safe.

I'm sure he has your best interests at heart.

I'm going to leave now, though.

Please, Belle, give me the knife.

That's weird,

I put it right under my pillow, but it's not there anymore.

Okay, screw the knife, I'm out.

Wait.

Please, please be copper.

Son of a bitch, fuck.

Now you can stay here with me.

No, neither of us are staying here.

I'm going to try the window in the hall.

Oh, now we can be together,

just like I always imagined.

What are you talking about?

I knew you'd come one day.

I've been waiting for you, my prince.

Wally, Wally, we need to go.

So, are you in one of those all-girl Catholic schools?

Oh, I don't go to school.

Why not?

Daddy says school isn't for smart people.

Have you ever been outside?

Not since we moved to this house.

Why not?

Well, I used to run away a lot back at the other house.

Daddy got super angry when Brenda died.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

My dad died recently, too.

Lucky.

What?

That was my first kiss.

Um, mine too.

Should we maybe try again?

Sounds good to me.

You salesmen really don't know when to quit, do you?

- Shit. - Daddy.

Looking for this, huh?

Please, please don't kill me.

Daddy, come on, please, please, please, Daddy.

Belle, stop!

Oh, shit.

Is that real?

Belle, no!

Jed, Jed, come on, come on!

Jed, you run and get help!

Hey, how do you know that this is where he lives?

It's listed in the company directory.

Yeah, but people don't put

their real information on those things.

It is amazing you graduated from high school.

I know.

Wait, wait, wait, he's probably like banging 10 supermodels,

maybe we should just send him a text first.

I don't care who he's banging.

We need his help and we can't go to the police.

Shit, okay, yeah.

I just really don't want to be a cockblock, like,

I don't want to do that to him.

Jed, Stop talking.

Guys.

Sorry about this.

You know, I really don't appreciate you

coming by unannounced to my home.

You know, we should really talk

about boundaries because I don't think it's good

that you guys are just knocking on doors...

Van, we don't have time for this right now.

There's a dead girl and she's dead.

She might not be dead.

Who's dead, who's she?

She flew out of the window, she hit a gargoyle,

and she wasn't moving...

Honey.

What is going on?

You guys like hang out in robes and wing man each other

with all these models or something?

Ignore the idiot.

Please just get dressed and come with us.

You see this, this is what I,

Can you guys give me one minute?

Are all the models, like, upstairs?

- Just a minute. - There are no models.

What do you mean there are no models.

You are not going anywhere right now.

Blue tie, pink pocket square.

One of my kid needs me.

Wingtips or boots?

Well what about our kids, huh?

And please, no argyle.

These are our kids.

That is exactly the point.

Tie, definitely tie.

Why don't we schedule a time to talk about this?

I am not one of your customers.

You look so good right now.

Still, you are not going to leave at 10 PM

on our date night.

It's like,

I hate this tie.

Goodnight, moonlight.

You're gonna need this.

DVR Cake Boss?

No, Belle, no.

No.

Oh, Belle.

Why aren't we going to the cops?

Because technically Wally and Buddy broke in.

Whoa, what do you mean technically?

Like they literally broke back in.

Okay, so why didn't you just say that?

I mean technically, yeah, she kind of did.

Millennials.

Now what?

What are you waiting for?

Are you sure you want to go in there, like,

this could be a really dangerous.

My plan, my rules.

Can I tell you something first, though, before we go in?

Now?

We don't have time.

Sarah broke up with me because of you.

What are you talking about? We're not even friends.

When we were partners in that biology thing,

I was talking about you all the time, she got super jelly.

What are yoU doing?

I don't know.

We'll talk about this later.

Oh wait, this is going to fall out,

it's going to be like.

We'll just put it here, okay, one, two, three.

Doing some cleaning around the house?

Yeah, sorry about the noise.

Oh, no need to apologize, sir.

In fact, I'm here to apologize to you.

A little late in the evening for that, isn't it?

You know, I have a pretty bizarre question for you.

I'm actually looking for my associate, Wally Banks.

He's not here, is he?

Name doesn't ring a bell.

I could've sworn he said he was going to come around here.

No trespassing sign right there,

those Knifecorp kids know not to come to my house.

Knifecorp, now how'd you know he's with Knifecorp?

I don't remember mentioning anything about that.

Your plaque right there, dumbass.

You are quite the detective.

Former.

Former detective, of course.

Well, seeing as how you didn't get a proper demonstration,

would you mind if I came inside, maybe showed you...

It's really not a good time and I am not interested

in buying any knives.

Well, I'm not interested in selling any knives.

I'm here to help you invest in your family's future.

Get the fuck off my property.

Now, Mr. Finn.

Did something happen to your upstairs window?

Yeah, God damn neighborhood kids.

Are you sure that wasn't one of mine?

You see, I would just feel so bad if one of my team members

damaged your home, they are teenagers,

they can get rambunctious, especially that Wally Banks.

It was Van, right?

I never told you my name.

You know, I think I will take

that demonstration after all.

Come on in.

I was a three-time Akiva Friend sales award winner.

I know quality.

And you seem like a quality guy, right?

Well, like you and like me, Knifecorp defines quality.

Wally, Wally.

Now when I hold up this Potato Carver Plus,

what is the first thing you see?

May I?

Careful with her, she's a lot of knife.

Wally, Wally, wake up, Wally.

What was that?

Get your Dicer Pro.

Okay, okay.

Easy, easy.

Cut on three,

- two, one. - Two, one.

Okay, okay, one more, one more, one more.

- Two, one. - Two, one.

Shit.

Banks!

Buddy, thank you, thank you so much.

I owe you my life.

Just promise to live for those that cannot.

Yes, yes, I promise.

We need to regroup, formulate a new plan.

I think we need to go to the police.

No, no cops.

I cannot risk it.

Looks like Tanya and Jed left.

I think we should see where they are.

I have no bars.

That's okay, I can still text.

Oh, that cannot be good.

They're inside the house. We need to go back in there.

No, that would surely be suicide.

Didn't you once say the only difference

between suicide and martyrdom is press coverage.

No, that was Panic! at the Disco.

Very underrated album.

Oh, you're right.

Yes, but we have no plan now

and I need more knives.

I think I know where we can get some. Follow me.

Van.

Fuck, dude.

- Jed. - This is bad,

this is really, this is for sure bad.

Is he dead?

Yes, yes.

Are you serious?

It's the deluxe set.

Do you want me to just leave this?

- Don't worry, hide, hide. - Shit.

Oh my God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck.

I'm so sorry, Belle.

Fuck.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh God, Van, Van, Van, I'm so sorry.

Ah, yes.

Come on.

This is Raj Appel.

Daddy, Daddy, it's Tanya.

Tanya, why are you calling me from this number?

Because you never answer when I call and I need your help,

I'm trapped in one of the houses that I...

Hey Tanya, look, I'm in the middle of something,

and I.

No.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Hey, we're in here.

Hello, help, help, help!

Yo, this guy's doing crazy horror movie shit in here!

Hey, now we are not doing any of that.

Nuh uh, nuh uh.

Now, I need to know who your friends are

and what they may have said about our little encounter.

Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about.

It's just me.

- I'm... - Shut your mouth.

You're going to wake the dead.

Let's start with an easier question, shall we?

Where is Wally Banks?

Do you have anything easier than that?

Where's Van?

He's supposed to be out rescuing you two right now.

Oh no, that mean he's at the house.

Are you,

Okay, we need to move fast.

Where do you keep your extra demo kits?

Extra demo kits, does it say Costco on our front door?

Uh, no, just ironic no solicitors sign.

We need to arm up.

I'll go get the riot gear.

Let's go get this fucker.

What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing,

what are you doing with that?

I need you to unlock it for me.

No, no, that's some violation of privacy laws, dude.

There's laws, okay, all right.

Yeah, it's one, one, one, one, one, one.

Where's your friend's name?

I told you, I don't have any friends, I work alone.

I'm like a lone Wolf, here on my own accord.

That little fucker with the curly hair.

Yeah, he's in there.

He's, if you just go to that group text right there,

the one with the bunch of the notifications.

- This one. - Yeah, click that

and let the names scroll up.

Just click it before you do other things,

just cli-, just do, just click it.

- You got one chance. - I'm trying to help you.

See how you're moving your thumb, like,

really fast right now, just click it.

And then it's one of the top two names,

I don't, we're just work friends, I forget.

This ain't "Deal or No Deal," and I'm not

- Howie fucking Mandel. - Okay.

It's really hard for me to think right now

because you have me tied up,

it's not a normal situation that people think

really well in, just so you know.

Hey,

where are you going with my phone.

There's no reception inside.

Besides, are you really that worried

about your phone right now?

No.

Kinda, a little bit.

There's some pictures on there.

It's very normal for someone my age,

I was working out a lot, and I wanted to document it,

that's it, it's just.

Those were just for me, if you see those.

Did he answer?

I need to unlock it again.

Seriously?

Yeah, it's one, one, one, it's just a bunch of ones.

Sometimes I forget, people forget,

it's a forgettable thing.

All right, I got it.

Okay, it's just, yeah, four ones.

- What is that? - Don't,

that's, that's part of me.

- I've never seen that angle. - Don't look at it.

- You make me sick. - Okay, okay,

- I'm the freak. - Disgusting.

Yeah, I'm the disgusting one.

Yeah, I'm the weird one, yeah, okay, cool.

- Jed. - Untie me quick.

He's gonna be back like any second.

We just gotta, we're gonna,

I'm gonna get us out there, but we just gotta get

- my phone first. - Okay.

Got some things on there.

- Jed. - Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

- Right now? - Yes.

- Okay. - I really liked

working with you, in a group you're kind of a dick,

but one on one, you're pretty dope.

I know, yeah, I'm bad at groups,

I just get overwhelmed.

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.

Please, Lord, just help me today.

Today's the day I need your help, Lord.

Who were you talking to?

Just, I was just actually taking the time to pray,

you know, I hadn't done it today.

Usually try and do one a day, and I thought,

when's a better time.

My house is a dead zone,

even God can't hear you in here.

So then I guess He probably wouldn't be able

to hear you either then either.

- What? - Right?

Get up, get up.

What's wrong with you?

Is that all you got, you little bitch?

Fuck your phone.

Jed, Jed.

Okay, we have to go, we have to go.

The door's locked.

We got to find a key.

Okay, okay, now, now.

Yeah, yeah, I just gotta grab the phone

- and we're out the door. - Jed, go.

Jed!

Belle.

Belle,

I thought you were dead.

Belle, what are you talking about, you killed him.

I thought I lost you.

Come on, let's go upstairs, I'll protect you.

No, please.

Stop, please don't hurt me, please don't,

you're hurting me.

Your clothes are filthy, let's put on your nightgown.

Nightgown, who am I, Rue McClanahan?

I don't want to argue with you.

Argh, not that one.

No.

Ah, there it is.

Are you just going to stand there?

I will always be here for you

and you know I'd never hurt you, right?

- Right? - Right.

Good girl.

You are growing into a very beautiful woman.

It's just you and me now.

What do you want from me?

I want us to move forward.

I never should have blamed you for hurting mom,

but it was my fault.

I knew you weren't happy and I stayed away.

It's okay.

- No, it's not. - It's really okay.

I know you didn't mean to hurt her, but she's gone.

She is gone.

And we need to move on.

Do you forgive me?

It's a little late for that.

Don't say that.

No, get off of me!

Oh, Belle, Belle, Belle.

Oh, thank God, you're okay.

I thought I lost you.

He keeps the whole house locked up,

so we're going to have to figure a way in.

Or maybe there's a chimney, or a vent,

or there's something we can crawl through.

If yoU think that I'm going down a chimney

in my Louis Vuittons you are out of your mind.

This may not be the best time to tell you,

given the circumstances, but those are not

real Louis Vuittons.

How dare you, you TJ Maxx-wearing little shit.

What gives you the right to determine

the authenticity of my shoes?

When you are born in the dark bowels of a sweatshop,

you notice certain things.

I've seen your soul.

Forget about the fucking shoes.

We need to figure out how to get in.

Divide and conquer.

What does that mean?

No one knows what that is.

Oh my God, Van.

God damn it.

I miss you, babe.

It's not easy without you here.

God damn it.

You got this.

- Wally, is that you? - It's me.

Oh my God, Wally, stop climbing,

he's coming, I'll be right back.

What?

Sweetie, I have dinner for you.

Thanks, but I don't eat meat.

You love daddy's roast.

Just give it a try.

I'm really not hungry, mister.

Call me daddy.

You're not my,

- Can I ask you something? - Anything, sweetie.

If you love me so much, why are you locking me up.

- Just eat. - What's up with that, Dad?

You said I could ask, you're such a hypocrite, Dad.

- Stop. - Honestly, you're so full

- of shit, Dad. - Watch your mouth.

You want an answer, you want to know why?

Because I thought I was going to lose you for good,

so I kept you to myself.

I know you're a kid and you don't think like that.

But your mom and I tried so hard to get you.

I know I wasn't always there for you, but I'm here now.

It's time to play our song.

Van, baby, I'm coming for you in just one second.

911, what's your emergency?

Oh, thank God.

My boyfriend is stuck in this house with his kids,

I mean his employees.

Whose kids are they, sir?

Oh my God, that is a whole other discussion.

The address is 822 Willow Street.

Hold on, please.

I'm sorry, sir, we already spoke before

and Detective Channing got the all clear.

So you're not going to come?

Nuh uh, there's nothing we can do,

maybe try neighborhood watch.

What the fuck, oh my G-, hello?

Okay, I don't need that, Van, I'm gonna save you today.

There are no strings on it.

You don't need strings to play music.

Why are you so creepy?

Please begin.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to play like you always do.

Oh, oh, oh my God, I'm like Black Panther.

What the fuck?

Oh my Louis's, oh, they're okay

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, all right.

What the f-, I am not,

I am not fucKing stuck, no, oh my God.

Not like that.

Sounds like we have company.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Of course, Daddy.

- Wally. - Are you okay?

He just left, get me out of here.

Move away from the wood.

What?

Be careful.

Wally, is that you, Wally Banks.

I'm only looking for Van, please, I'm so sorry.

I just came here to get Van.

Oh, I'm sure you're going

to see him again real soon.

Oh my God.

You haven't lived 'til you've been burned,

, I should know.

Honey, you want one marshmallow or two?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Okay.

I got you.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Oh my God.

Thank you.

Of course.

- Shit. - What?

We can't go back out the way I came in.

So what's the plan?

Well, I don't know.

Where's Jed?

- He killed them. - Them?

Jed and Van.

Shit, this is so fucked up.

We need to get Buddy and get out of here.

Buddy?

Where's your friend, Wally Banks?

Never heard of him.

You think this is a joke?

Don't move.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, sounded like,

Wait here.

Hell no, every time a dude tells me what to do,

someone ends up dead.

Fine.

Don't look.

Shit.

All right, here's the plan.

I'll go get Buddy, you get the keys.

Did you not hear me before?

He wants you dead, not me.

So you're not the boss of me,

- I go where I want. - Tanya, we don't have time.

This might be the last thing either of us have time for.

Okay, then fine.

According to your logic, you should go get the keys

because you're safe with Finn and I'm not.

Are you happy?

Now you can tweet about how much of a chauvinist

I am we when we get out.

Now, please go get the key.

Argh, fine.

Jesus Christ.

It's got to be around here.

Please have the keys.

Yes.

Buddy, Buddy.

Wake up.

I have the key, we need to get out of here

before Finn wakes up.

I'm not leaving here without Buddy.

Wally, I am begging you, we have to go now.

Buddy will be okay, okay, that's his thing,

he always ends up being okay.

Look, he's going to kill you, you know that, right?

I don't know, just give me a second to think.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, it's us.

You're okay, you're okay, calm down.

We're gonna get you out of here. Don't panic.

Wally.

That's enough for me to save my house.

That's enough for me to get out of my house for good.

Where'd he get all this?

Wally, what's going on?

I don't know, look, I'm just going to get you

out of here, okay.

Nickel plated, no stainless steel.

What does that mean?

That saw, that saw can cut through.

- Are you kidding me? - Are you insane?

No, we have no choice.

Have you ever used one before?

Heck no, I've never used a saw before.

That's okay, I will talk you through.

Okay, hurry up.

It's okay, you can do it, I believe in you, Wally.

Okay, found an outlet.

Oh, wonderful.

Okay, it's plugged in.

What do I do?

The lever on the side.

- This one? - Use it

to release the safety.

Okay, good, now,

press the button to activate on the right.

Where's the switch?

Right there, on on the right.

Your other right.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Okay, now pull the trigger very carefully

to activate and turn on.

Okay, okay.

Ready.

Very slowly.

Three, two.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Maybe you practice on something

for they can be tricky sometimes.

That's a good idea, that's a good idea.

- I did it. - That was amazing.

Oh my God, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, wait, you forgot about me.

- Oh sorry. - Idiot.

I have to do this again?

One more time, here we go.

Ready, three, two,

you can do this.

Okay, three, two.

We should probably put on goggles or something, right?

Yes, sure.

Oh come on, you're killing me.

Here, here, here, there's only one pair.

You put them on and I'll just close my eyes.

Are you fucking stupid?

Right, I guess that doesn't make sense.

Three,

two,

Wally Banks.

How does it feel to be responsible for all this blood?

I didn't mean to, I swear.

You like being a killer, Banks?

Don't come any closer.

You know how this ends, right?

I'm serious.

Fancy toys just aren't as much fun without

power.

- What the fuck? - Stay back or she dies.

Put it down, don't hurt her.

If you want to see her alive,

stay down here, do you understand that?

Banks.

Belle!

- You asshole. - Ow, why are you hitting me?

You can't fucking do that to me.

Finn might be a psycho but he didn't

put a knife to my fucking throat.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to protect you.

Did you get the key?

What key?

The key to get us out of here.

Daddy said it's not safe out there.

Tanya, we don't have time, let's go.

Come here.

I told you to stay downstairs.

- Please, don't. - Now, I have to do this.

No, ah.

Please, she's all I have.

Time's up.

Let go.

Let go!

Come on, let's go.

Ow, what the fuck, Wally?

I'm sorry, I really am, but I had no choice.

Tanya, what are you doing?

I have no choice.

You said so yourself.

Tanya, please,

just put the knife down, okay.

We're going to get out of this,

we just need to work together.

Why, so you can cut me again?

Or threaten me?

What's the next move in your brilliant escape plan, Wally?

Is your plan To just let me die here

or use me as bait because that's no better

than what he's doing.

Are you actually defending him right now?

At least he hasn't hurt me.

Shh, just put it down.

Put it down.

It's okay, it's okay,

I'm gonna get you out of here, okay.

Just stay with me.

Fuck, shit,

We need to jump out the window.

No, I'm not jumping.

Wally, let my daughter go and I'll let you walk.

Let go, you're hurting me.

Do you trust me?

Do you trust me?

Wally.

On the count of three.

One,

two,

You're just like your father.

You don't know anything about my father.

I knew him well enough to know it was

his own damn fault he died.

Same way it is for you.

My dad was on patrol, it could've happened to anyone.

Is that what they told you?

I know what you're trying to do

and it's not going to work.

Let me do you one favor

before you go meet your father, huh.

Shut up.

Your dad was already clocked out of his shift

when dispatch reported a disturbance.

Yeah, he was the closest patrolman

but he didn't even have to be there.

You're lying!

Those are the facts.

Just like it's a fact that your boss is dead because of you.

But that's not nearly as tragic as your friend, Buddy.

And what was that other kid's name, Ted?

Jed, Jed.

All their lives cut short just because of what,

your crappy little knives.

Stop talking!

Hey, you are in my house now, you listen to me.

You're not a salesman, Banks, you're a killer.

Four bodies in one night, that's not bad.

All your friends are dead and the blood is on your hands.

I tried to save them.

Oh, now you sound like Eddie.

Eddie is going to save the world.

Look where that got him.

You have no right to talk about him that way.

And you had no right to take my daughter.

She's not your daughter.

She is, she is mine.

Stop fucking humming, Tanya.

You know what happens to guys with no spine, Wally?

Don't.

I said, do you know what happens to guys

with no spine, Wally?

They get killed by little punk asses

with pistols, that's what.

Tanya, jump!

That's not my name.

What?

That's not my name.

That's not my name.

Tanya, what are you talking about?

That's not my name!

This all ends tonight.

Murderer!

According to my tally, your hands are more red than mine.

They're about to get a lot more red.

You had to fucking knock.

You had to interrupt a calm night with me and my daughter.

Belle's dead because of you.

Don't talk about my family, you piece of shit.

Apologize.

- Daddy. - Belle.

Checkmate.

So how do you see this playing out?

You kill me and then what?

Cops come in and find your treasure trove of bodies.

I was a cop, Wally, they'll fucking hang you for this.

It's over.

You don't want to kill anybody else.

I'm taking her and we're leaving.

I don't think so.

What's so funny?

Your dad,

if he could see you right now, he'd be sick.

But I never had a son.

And for the first time all night, I'm proud of ya.

So do it,

do what your dad should have done.

When he saw that kid pointing a gun at him.

- Fuck you. - Do it.

Are you proud of me, too, Daddy?

I'm so sorry, Belle.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, sweetie.

I love you too, Daddy.

We're safe again.

I'm here in Glen Valley, standing in front

of former detective Angus Finn's home,

now site to a horrific bloodbath

that's already trending on social media

as the #KnifeCorpMassacre.

Six bodies have been recovered

and according to authorities, suspect Wally Banks

was found dead at the scene of the crime.

Our thoughts and prayers go out

to the families of the victims.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we may be looking

at the new face of terrorism in America.

Hey, Blade Bandits, welcome

to the Knifecorp online training center,

it's Tanya Appel.

So today we're going to keep it simple

and I'm going to show you how to use this knife

with veggies, but don't worry, meat lovers,

I'll show you exactly what this carver

can do with a piece of flesh.

Let's get started.

Watch your fingers, we don't want a bloody mess now, do we?

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull