Original subtitles

- I'm getting married! - Yeah!

LAURA: You haven't been drinking, Becks.

You'd better not be pregnant.

Don't say anything to anyone because I haven't told Steve yet.

I was going to plan a special surprise for him in the flat. Ripped By mstoll

This is Lee, he used to go out with Becky.

We were together four-and-a-half years.

Laura's just told me. She said you were pregnant.

I just want you to know I'm here for you, babe.

- What did he want? - Nothing.

CAROLINE: You have both made the declarations required by law

and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other

in the presence of your witnesses and guests.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And I'm gonna tell everyone what you've done with that faggot.

Well, what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me?

Sorry about all this, I'm not actually... very used to public speaking.

Could've fooled me!

(LAUGHTER)

- I am the bride! - I know you are, Laura.

- I'm so sorry. - You do not...

You do not tell me I've had too much to drink.

- Come on, Laura, darling. - No!

- SHELLY AND BECKY: Laura! - You're such a virgin.

She didn't mean it. She gets like this.

I think my dress has got a little bit dirty.

Here. Come on.

- Why don't you have a little dance? - No!

I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Laura!

Right, I got something I want to tell you.

Laura! Come and have a dance, yeah?

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE)

(? TOM JONES: It's Not Unusual)

You all right?

?... It's such a crime... ?

Not really.

You?

No.

?... It's not unusual It happens every day... ?

(CRUNCHES FOOD)

Do you mind not eating that in my ear?

- Sorry. - Thanks.

Oi, Steve!

In here, now.

?... Love will never do

? What you want it to

? Why can't this crazy love be mine? ?

(STEVE AND DAN GROAN IN DISGUST)

- Bloody hell, Paul. - Oh, my God.

It smelt like this before I came in here.

(GROANS)

It smelt like this before I came in here.

- What do you want? - Laura's fucked.

She's said I've got to choose between her and Graham.

Hello.

Ooh. Smelly!

Excuse me.

(TOILET SEAT TAPS DOWN)

(TROUSERS ARE UNZIPPED)

- Do the rest of this outside? - Yeah.

?... But when I see you out and about it's such a crime

?If you should ever be... ?

- Here he is! - I'm just going to find my lady wife...

You've got your honeymoon for that!

?... It's not unusual

?It happens every day

? No matter what you say

? You'll find it happens all the time

? Love will never do

? What you want it to

- ? Why can't this crazy love... ? - Oh, thanks.

?... Be mine? ?

Come with me. I want to tell you something!

I'm all right, thanks, Laura.

Oi! Go in there and get your cock out.

- Hi. - Hi.

Laura, what did you just say to him?

?... It's not unusual to be mad with anyone

?It's not unusual to be sad with anyone

? But if I ever find that you've changed at any time

- ?It's not unusual... ? - Go on.

Thanks, Steve. ?... To find out I'm in love... ?

- I really, really respect Muslims. - I'm not a Muslim.

- Laura, please don't tell Steve. - Shut it!

I've actually got quite a lot in common with Muslims,

because I'm nice and I'm kind and I believe in God,

but then if you annoy me,

I go ape-shit.

I'm not a Muslim.

- (GROANS) - Laura!

Oh, go shove it up your smelly arse.

Laura!

(? KYLIE MINOGUE: Can't Get You Out Of My Head)

- All right? - Yep. Yes.

? La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la... ?

- Ugh! - Do you know where Laura went?

Where do you want to put it?

- Sorry? - Where do you want to put it?

If you do it from behind, you won't have to look at me.

- BECKY: Laura? - Come on.

You know you want it.

I really don't.

I'll suck you off.

You can come in my face.

- BECKY: Steve? - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hurry up.

Laura!

Your dad likes Shelly, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Oh, come on. He's fine. He's just having a laugh.

(KNOCKS)

Laura?

Everyone's saying how bad Steve's speech was.

Steve?

Suck on my tits.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Why are you laughing?

Bec...

Cos you're telling me to suck on your tits.

- Just do it, so I can tell Paul. - Let's go and have a dance, eh?

This is your last chance.

Are you gonna suck on my tits or not?

No!

Don't laugh at me!

I was, er, thinking of popping outside for a bit, get some fresh air.

- OK. - You should come with me.

I'm worried about you.

You need to be careful in your condition.

I'm fine. I'm going to wait for Laura.

Becky, come on.

(SNORTS)

Don't fuck me about.

Pardon?

Becky's keeping a secret from you.

And she's told Lee because she loves him.

OK, Laura.

She dreams about him at night.

Course she does.

She carries a lock of his hair.

- Nice. - She sniffs it when you're asleep.

And she's got a secret.

She's told him...

...and I know what it is.

What?

What is it?

Laura...

(? THE FOUNDATIONS: Build Me Up Buttercup)

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS)

? Why do you build me up

? Build me up, buttercup, baby

?Just to let me down? Let me down And mess me around

?And then worst of all Worst of all

? You never call, baby

? When you say you will Say you will

? But I love you still

?I need you I need you

?More than anyone, darling

? You know that I have from the start

? So, build me up Build me up, buttercup

? Don't break my heart

?I'll be over at ten, you told me time and again, but you're late

?I wait around and then Bah-dah-dah

?I went to the door I can't take any more

?It's not you You let me down again

? Hey, hey, hey! Baby, baby

? Try to find Hey, hey, hey!

?A little time and I'll make you mine

? Hey, hey, hey! I'll be home

?I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

? Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

? Why do you build me up Build me up

? Buttercup, baby

?Just to let me down? Let me down... ?

- STEVE: Hi, Mum. - IAN: No!

- This is lan! Paul's brother! - Half-brother! I want to go home!

No, he doesn't!

Janet, please, no! Will you please take your hands off me?

?... More than anyone, darling... ?

You all right?

- Yeah! - You?

- Yeah! - Wah-hey!

?... Build me up, build me up, buttercup

? Don't break my heart

? You were my toy, but I could be the boy you adore

?If you'd just let me know Bah-dah-dah

?Although you're untrue I'm attracted to you

?All the more

? Why do I need you so?

? Hey, hey, hey! Baby, baby, try to find

? Hey, hey, hey!

?A little time and I'll make you mine Hey, hey, hey!

?I'll be home I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

? Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo. ?

(? WHAM! : Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go)

- ?Jitterbug... ? - (CHEERING)

?... Jitterbug

?Jitterbug

?Jitterbug... ?

- Argh! - Calm down, mate. Come on.

She said if I choose Graham I'll never see Bernadette again.

- Oh, what a pickle. - Dan.

- Argh! - Calm down.

You're Bernadette's dad. She can't stop you seeing her.

Oh, yes, she can.

- Argh! - Paul!

I am a man and I have feelings!

?... In my bed

?I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead... ?

You all right?

Yeah. Fine.

It's me own fault.

Shall I get you another drink?

?... Before you go-go I don't want to miss it... ?

Nah. You're all right.

?... Wake me up before you go-go

? Cos I'm not planning on going solo

? Wake me up before you go-go... ?

You having that?

Yeah.

- (BANGING FROM CUBICLE) - PAUL: Fucking, stupid, fucking moron.

Ugly, fucking...

...piggy little bitch... - Is he all right in there?

- Thick bitch! - (BANGING CONTINUES)

- Yeah. He's fine. - Stupid, stinking moron...

By the way...

PAUL: Pathetic.

...your speech was diabolical.

- PAUL: Fucking pathetic. - Thanks.

Just get in the cubicle and do it.

Don't be silly, Laura. Becks?

- Just get it out. - Careful, Laur!

- Come on. Just get it out. - Careful, sweetheart.

- Becks, let's pop outside. - Come on.

Just a hand job.

- Oh, my God. - You can close your eyes

and imagine I'm her.

- Come on. - No!

It's just me and you, Paul. You can come out.

Leave me alone, Steve. I'm going to kill myself.

- OK. How are you going to do that? - Dunno yet.

Shall I get you a knife?

Pills?

Bit of rope?

- I'm actually all right, thanks. - Right.

Have you said anything to Steve about the baby?

SHELLY: Don't do that, Laura!

Shut the door, Shell.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Lee.

I think you probably need a bit of time alone, Laura, darling.

I've been planning this day since I was three...

...so I don't really care about what you

and your ugly little lesbian embryo are doing about anything.

You know I love you, don't you?

(LAURA SOBS)

I think me and Becky should leave you alone for a bit, darling.

You need a bit of me time.

Do you know how much this wedding cost?

Yeah, but it's been a lovely day, though, hasn't it?

Everyone said lovely things about you.

You did your lovely song.

Everyone was saying how amazing you looked, weren't they?

SHELLY: I think you look absolutely beautiful, Laura.

See?

(SLAPS AWAY HAND)

Don't touch what you can't afford.

- PAUL: I like being with Graham. - I know.

He's got this dressing gown I wear when I stay over.

- It's really soft. - Ooh, sounds lovely.

And he's got this massive bath. It's massive, Steve.

We got three of us in it.

But Bernadette needs me. She needs her biological parents.

Come on, Paul. I think you've got to call Graham.

(DOOR OPENS)

He's just so gentle, Steve.

OK.

He reads me like a map.

- He knows every contour of my body... - All right, all right.

Becky, sweetheart, come outside with me. It's a lovely evening.

I need to look after Laura.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

What's so good about Steve?

I'm sorry, but someone's got to say it.

This is a man who asked you to marry him in his flat.

Seriously, though, the most important question of your life

and does he hire out a limo? No. Does he take you up the London Eye?

- I think you should go have a dance. - As soon as he finds out

you're pregnant, he's gonna leave you, sweetheart.

Honestly, I've seen it a million times.

So, you've got to tell him and tell him now

and you'll see for yourself what kind of man he is.

If you don't tell him, babe, I will.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Tell me what?

JANET: Hey! Come on!

Join in!

Don't be boring!

Shelly!

GUEST: Go on, mate. Go on, mate.

Come on, mate, don't be boring.

Hey, hey, come on.

(? GLORIA ESTEFAN: Do The Conga)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- DAN: Shit, shit, shit, shit! - (GUESTS GROAN)

Shit!

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(CHEERING)

DJ: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

- IAN: Please! - JANET: Don't be like that.

- Just leave me alone, for heaven's sakes! - Don't be like that.

Um, sorry, Dan. He wouldn't let me go.

All right?

Come on, Shelly. What room are you in?

PAUL: Yes, OK, we could've legged it to your car, yes, but my point is,

we didn't do any of those things, and now I'm married to her, Graham.

(CUBICLE DOOR OPENS)

I need to do what's right for our baby.

This isn't about you and me, Graham. She needs her biological parents.

Oh, don't cry. Please don't cry.

(SIGHS)

I just wanna know what room you're in, Shelly. It's quite simple.

OK, Nigel.

Have you seen Steve?

Um...

No, love. Sorry.

(SIGHS) The wife's in bed.

Get rid of that thing...

...and you and me can have some fun.

(HAND-DRYER WHIRRS)

Come on, Shelly. Don't be a bitch.

I can't find Steve anywhere.

Oh, no.

(CLICKS HIS TONGUE)

You give it all that, with your high voice and your fake tan,

but you're just as rotten as the rest of them.

OK, Nigel. Goodbye now.

You can't look like that and not expect men to take an interest.

OK, Nigel.

You look like a whore...

...you get treated like a whore - it's just a fact of life.

Don't get all fucking female about it.

(GASPS)

What the fuck was that?

- (WHIMPERS) - (GASPS)

(HAND-DRYER WHIRRS)

What's Becky gonna tell me?

Just tell me, please, Lee...

...cos this is actually, really not very nice.

- SHELLY: What's wrong with me, Dan? - NIGEL: I can do it myself. Get off.

- I'm a monster. - No, you're not, you're lovely.

- I'm fine. It's just a nosebleed. - What happened?

- I killed him. - I'm fine. It's just a nosebleed.

- I killed him, Dan! - You haven't killed him.

(SHELLY WHIMPERS)

It's all right, Shell. Come on, let's sit you down.

It's over. Me and Graham are over.

I'm gonna do the right thing for once. I'm gonna change.

Steve, I'm going to be a good father.

That's great, Paul, yeah.

I've told him it's over.

I'm going to delete his number.

I'm going to take all his pictures of me off the internet.

What was I thinking?!

When I say it out loud, it doesn't even make sense!

He's 58!

It'd never work!

And he's a man.

I do love Laura. I know I do.

We have something special.

It's taken all this to prove it to me,

but sometimes that's what love's like.

She's an amazing woman, and I love her

and I'm going to be true to her,

and we're going to be the most loving biological parents

Bernadette could ever need.

I feel like a cloud's lifted.

It's a happy ending, Steve.

Everything's gonna be OK.

I'm pleased for you, mate. I really am.

I'm gonna go and find Laura, tell her the good news.

All right?

This is going to break Paul's heart.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

DJ: Right, ladies and gentlemen, the fireworks are starting

so if you'd like to make your way outside, and then back in here

for some more top tunes.

(? GIRLS ALOUD: The Promise)

?Are you watching me, baby?

? Cos my heart is turning to solid gold

?And my head is saying, honey Too good to be true

? Oh, one look into your glitter eyes

? Power's failing me every time

? You're gonna make me... ?

- This way. - I think you need

to tell me what's going on, Becks.

Has Laura said anything to you?

What about?

- You OK? - It was just a nosebleed.

Don't know what all the fuss is about.

Hey!

Gonna come and see the fireworks?

Absolutely.

- We'll be there in a minute. - Great.

See you out there!

JANET: That's my son.

KEITH: Never. I thought he was your brother.

- Yeah, we get that a lot. - DENNIS: Becky!

- Coming outside for the fireworks? - Yeah.

Definitely. See you out there.

SUE: Great.

- What's happening, Becks? - Come on.

SUE: Lee, you coming outside?

- Yeah, just try and stop me! - (LAUGHTER)

- Right. This is it. - Come on.

- Let's go into the room. - No.

- I'm not coming in till you've told me. - Come on. Don't be silly.

No, I'm not coming in till you've told me, Becks.

- Come inside, Steve. - I'm not coming in there. I'm not.

Right. This is it.

I'm hot.

- And I've got a sweaty back. - OK.

- What's that? - Soap.

Right.

So, I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to count down from 20...

- Just start at 10. - I'm going to count down from 20

and you're gonna tell me what's going on. OK?

Steve...

- 20, 19, 18, 17... - I didn't wanna tell you like this.

...16, 15, 14, 13...

- Steve... ...12, 11, 10...

- OK, OK. ...nine, eight, seven, six,

- five... - I'm pregnant.

Sorry, I think I misheard you. Can you say that again?

I'm... I'm pregnant.

Is this what you've been wanting to tell me?

I, er...

Lee...

So you're not going to dump me?

(LAUGHS)

No, of course not. Why would I dump you?

There's about a million reasons.

I didn't want to tell you like this.

I wanted to do a nice pregnancy thing.

No, I'm sorry I don't know anything.

I don't... You can't be pregnant...

This is silly. I don't know how to do... anything.

Have you done a test?

- Yeah, of course. - What did it say?

It said I'm pregnant.

(WHISPERS) Fuck.

(MOUTHS)

I'll join the library. Get a book on it.

We can go to classes.

- Oh, yeah? - Hmm.

OK. Good.

Fuck that, actually. We'll have to talk to people.

I'll get a book on it.

There'll be an app.

I need a smartphone. I can't afford one.

I'll get a job,

I'll get a smartphone

and then I'll get myself an app all about how to be a dad.

(WHISPERS) Fuck.

(WHISPERS) Fucking hell. How am I going to be someone's dad?

Is this going to be OK?

(SIGHS)

(? LULU: Boom Bang-A-Bang)

Oh, my God! Did I hurt you?

- Oh, don't be silly. - Is he easy to squash?

He?

God, I threw you off the bed this morning!

- It's a boy, is it? - I fucking hope so.

- (FIREWORKS EXPLODE OUTSIDE) - Come on. Sit down.

Are you OK?

Do you feel sick?

Are you going to be sick?

Do you want me to get you a bowl?

Is that OK?

- Wow, that looks really comfy. - Sit on it.

? Come closer, come closer and listen

? The beat of my heart keeps on missin'

?I notice it most when we're kissin'

? Come closer and love me tonight

? That's right

? Come closer and cuddle me tight. ?

STEVE: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(FIREWORKS FIZZ AND BANG)

?... My heart goes boom bang-a-bang Boom bang-a-bang

? When you are near

? Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

? Loud in my ear

? Pounding away, pounding away

? Won't you be mine?

? Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

?It's such a lovely feeling

? When I'm in your arms

? Now you are near

?I wanna hear your heart beat too

? Boom bang-a-bang-bang, I love you

?It's such a lovely feeling

? When I'm in your arms

? Now you are near

?I wanna hear your heart beat too

? Boom bang-a-bang-bang, I love you. ? Ripped By mstoll

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