Original subtitles

I will pay for you to get a different ringtone.

You're not being useful, Steve. Why does it need to be so loud?

Stop moaning and help me find it!

Oh, I don't get why you keep so much stuff in there. I need it.

What?!

You need these?

Yes, I haven't finished them yet!

Why do you need a brush?

When do you need to brush your hair during the day? When it's windy.

It's got bits of crisps in here.

Eurgh, you are filth!

It's Paul. Oh, God...

Probably wondering why we're not there yet. Yeah.

I'll put it on silent.

This programme contains strong language.

'Your call is in a queue, and will be answered

as soon as one of our advisers becomes available.

'To make sure we've given you the best service we can,

'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'

What's that? Concealer.

Why do you need that, then?

You're funny Thank you.

'Hello, thanks for ringing...'

Hello?! Hello. Hello, hello.

I'm Steve Marshall.

O...P...8.

E...1...7.

6...N...M.

No, N...

N, for Nicholas.

M, for Marcus.

Um...Mrs Doubtfire.

Janet Brophy.

Oh, for God's sake...

On hold again? Yeah.

Why d'you keep saying Mrs Doubtfire?

Oh, it's a security check. Favourite film.

Your favourite film is Mrs Doubtfire?

It's got some classic moments in it.

You're laughing just thinking about it?

She sets fire to her tits...

Oh, for God's sake...!

They're playing Candle In The Wind.

They're starting to actually try and make me angrier.

Is it an annoying song?

What do you mean? The song you're listening to, is it annoying?

What do you mean, the song I'm listening to?

The candle song, is it annoying?

What do you mean "the candle song"?! It's Candle In The Wind!

Candle In The Wind, then! Is it annoying?

What is this? You know it's annoying!

How am I supposed to know? I've never heard it.

Yes you have. No I haven't.

You've never heard Candle In The Wind?

No!

Yes, you have. No, I haven't!

It's by Elton John!

Like I listen to Elton John songs!

What about when Diana died? What about it?

It was the theme tune for her death.

I was 11, Steve. I didn't watch the news. I wasn't a geek.

It's not geeky to have heard of Candle In The Wind.

What time is it? Are we late?

Don't change the subject, you're being ridiculous.

Steve! Yes, we're late.

You've been dicking about in the mirror for an hour, I've been ready for ages.

Oh... What are you doing? No!

Cramp, cramp! I've got cramp, I've got cramp!

You look funny. Shut up, I'm in pain.

I think that's why you look funny.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

You're going like that, yeah?

Yeah.

It's a fancy-dress party.

So? You're supposed to dress as something beginning with P.

I'm not going to dress up, I'd look like a dick.

You're supposed to look like a dick, that's the point.

Luke's being a prick. Making everyone go in fancy dress.

He's not being a prick, he's six years old.

That's prickish behaviour.

He's Paul's son. Don't care!

He was in hospital.

I can't believe you've never heard of Candle In The Wind!

Just dress as something beginning with P and shut the fuck up.

Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate!

Do you need your mouth open?

Yes.

Becks? Yes?

Do you find it funny that he's called Luke and he...

had leukaemia?

No.

Get off!

You're not allowed to make jokes like that.

Well, it's not like he died, is it?

How's my spot?

Delicious.

Oh, if that is Paul, you are in trouble.

Sausage rolls!

Don't eat too many.

♪ Sausage rolls... ♪

Sorry, Dan, mate. Caught us at a really bad time, mate.

Paul's son's just come out of hospital today.

He's just beaten leukaemia and we're having a fancy dress party for him

and I'm helping out with the food.

So, thanks for calling round.

Notice anything different about me?

No. Not wearing my glasses?

Oh, yeah!

Cool. Well...

How do you think I can see?

Don't know. Contact lenses.

Contact lenses?!

OK. Great. Thanks, Dan. Do you think they'll work?

Yes. I'm going to try and win back Anita with the new Dan.

What's wrong with the old Dan?

Is that a serious question? I don't think so.

What's the theme of the fancy dress party?

We got to dress up as something beginning with P.

What are you going as? I don't dress up. I'd look like a dick.

Cool as. Cool as.

What's Becky dressing up as?

A policewoman. Policewoman?

Yep. Can I...? Not that kind of policewoman.

Oh, shit.

I've learned a magic trick.

Magic trick?

Lock up your daughters.

I'm going to buy a cape and perform it for Anita.

Do you think that will work?

What? Nothing.

What? Nothing!

You look lovely, come on. Steve?

Nothing! You look lovely!

Not looking at anything. I'm not looking at anything either.

I'm looking at my phone.

OK, good.

My spot burst.

Did it? Really?

I didn't notice.

It's gone a bit bloody. Can you see it?

Oh, yeah... Now you mention it, it's just...

I'll clear it up.

Don't bother, it's fine. Just hurry up.

I've been ready for an hour.

It's like she physically can't hurry up. Yeah, women!

Can I do anything else for you, Dan?

No, no.

Ooh, a visitor.

You're staying, are you?

'Your call is in a queue and will be answered

as soon as one of our advisors becomes available...'

Hi, Laura. Paul's not happy, Steve.

You were meant to bring the sausage rolls over an hour ago.

You're taking liberties.

What?

You look nice. Thank you, Steve. I'm meant to be a prostitute.

Done a good job of that.

It's very accurate. Why aren't you answering Paul's calls? I'm on hold,

I can't hang up now. Somebody's stealing money from me.

There's no sausage rolls at the party, Steve.

What kind of party doesn't have any sausage rolls? It's like a riddle.

I'm ready, OK? It's Becky that's holding everyone up.

I'm not holding anyone up.

I just want to look nice for little Lukey.

You all right, Becks? Yeah, nearly ready.

Paul's going mad over there.

Yeah? Yeah, been getting all uppity, threatening his uncle.

You saw him at Bonfire Night.

You know how he gets.

No, no, no! That's my toothbrush.

Well...you can always use this.

When are you going to get yourself another one?

It's your own fault for biting it.

Why do you bite it?

You're the same with Polos, you're like a dog.

I'm brushing my teeth! Why do you do that?

What? Talk to me when I'm brushing my teeth? It's so annoying.

You're so annoying. Very good. Very witty.

Just get ready. I am ready! See you in a bit, Laur.

Are you ready?

What are you going as? This.

A paedophile? No, of course not!

What... What do you mean, a paedophile?

Your top button's done up.

It's trendy.

It's paedophilic, Steve.

God's sake.

I'm not dressing up.

I'm sorry, you're dressing up, Steve. I'm Paul's fiancee.

Luke had leukaemia and at the end of the day, he's a hero

and if he wants you to dress up as something beginning with P

then you're going to dress up as something beginning with P.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yes, Laura. I know what you're saying.

Thank you.

Notice anything different about me?

Laura reckons I've got to dress up.

Told you.

I don't even like Luke!

Steve, he almost died.

He's a little shit.

Do you remember when he pitched my tit?

Yeah, the little shit. And he spat on me.

He's an ugly little bastard too.

Your hair? No.

Have you lost weight?

No, I'm trying, but I keep eating.

It's my glasses. What about them?

Not wearing any?

Do you wear glasses?

I've got contacts.

Pick a card.

His eyebrows went wobbly.

He sang it at the funeral.

Candle In The Wind.

I don't know it! Leave me alone.

'Your call will be answered

as soon as one of our advisors becomes available.

'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can,

'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'

Will you scratch my back for me? Come here.

Is it...

er, two of spades? Yeah.

That's incredible. How d'you do it?

It's, er... It's magic.

But seriously, how d'you do it?

Magic. No, but seriously. Honestly, I'm magic.

Really?

Down a bit, down a bit, to the left.

Oh, that's it, that's it.

Keep going, keep going.

Up a bit.

What about that? You could go as a pirate.

Everyone's going to go as a pirate.

Can you move things with your eyes? Yep.

Can you? Yeah!

Can you make it, like... How can I put it?

Could you make everything in a room hover? Yeah.

Apart from the floor? Certainly, yeah.

You're taking the piss. No, I'm not.

Is it free booze? Hope so.

He's beaten cancer. That's a free booze situation, isn't it?

You'd think so.

Could you just scratch it all over?

'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can,

'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'

Could you...

Could you bring back someone from the dead? Yep.

Could you make it rain indoors?

Absolutely.

25th March, 1986.

E17 6NM.

N for Nicholas, M for Marcus.

Mrs Doubtfire.

Janet Brophy.

You all right? Yeah.

Did you know Dan's...

I don't know...

He said he could...

He's got this pack of cards and he reckons

he's got these abilities to...

Oh, I don't know now.

Sounds silly to say it out loud, but...

So you got your prostitute clothes in the end? Yeah.

Yeah, I got the top of Shelley and the skirt,

I got that off Shelley as well, and the shoes...

I got it all off Shelley.

D'you have a phone number for Shelley? No, Dan.

Come and help me with a fringe wash.

What's a fringe wash? Haven't I told you about the fringe wash?

Oh, my God, you're going to love it.

♪ Snookering you

♪ Snookering you

♪ Snookering you tonight. ♪

It's like a strimmer for a hedge. I don't even own a hedge.

Why would I...?

♪ Big Break! ♪

For God's sake!

Put me on hold again!

Have you ever actually seen a dog chase a cat?

D'you reckon you're in the way at all, Dan?

Pick a card.

Why've you got a pack of cards on you? I just happen to have them on me.

Steve's doing my head in.

Keeps going on about this song by Elton John, Candle In The Wind.

D'you know it? Yeah, of course.

Do you?!

Yeah, of course.

♪ And it seems to me you lived your life

♪ Like a candle in the wind... ♪

Oh, that? Yeah.

Of course I know it.

That's embarrassing.

Is it...

Ten of diamonds?

Yes.

How d'you do that? It's magic. Don't be a dick. Just tell me.

A magician never reveals his secrets.

Tell me or get out of my flat.

I've spent the past week learning the order of the cards,

so when you pick out a card,

I know what it is from its position in the pack.

You've spent a week doing that?

Yeah, it gave me headaches.

But Anita likes Derren Brown, so, you know.

Luke's so brave. He's really cute.

He's dressed as a Pharaoh.

Doesn't that begin with...? Oh.

Yeah. And Luke's mum, Natalie, the slut, she got...

She got in this massive cake shaped like the Pyramids

and he threw it at this girl and she was covered in it

and she started crying and everyone was laughing.

It was mad. So, d'you see, Laura?

I've just washed my fringe, but it looks like

I've washed my whole hair. That's amazing, Becks.

You should sell it. Sell the fringe wash?

Yeah. You could make a fortune out of that.

D'you think? Yeah. Who'd buy it?

Busy people, women, busy women.

It's how the Body Shop started.

Yeah.

Four of hearts.

Oh my God!

Three of spades.

Dan, seriously.

'Please remember, we can only help you with a billing enquiry...'

King of clubs.

Dan, this is no way to spend your twenties.

You don't have to wash it all.

Have you been washing your hair?

See? That's amazing. I just did the fringe.

You are supposed to be hurrying up, not washing your hair!

So where d'you reckon I could buy a cape?

Debenhams?

God, that's Paul.

We're going to get some bubbly to do a toast,

but otherwise you have to pay for your own drinks.

That's annoying.

Have you seen my phone?

You're holding it, Beck.

What a dick.

Paul's here.

Answer the fucking door, Steve!

Steve!

Hello, Paul, mate. You all right? Where the fuck are the sausage rolls?

My little boy is going mental.

There's a whole fucking party going on and there's not one single sausage roll.

Wow, Paul, I like your costume.

Thank you.

It's quite a costume, Paul. Thank you. It's Postman Pat.

Luke likes him. He's got the duvet. Mum's dressed as Mrs Goggins.

That doesn't begin with P. Fuck off!

Now where are the sausage rolls?

You had it in your hand, Becks!

I know!

You idiot.

I've been ready for nearly two hours.

So what are you dressed as? A pillock?

No, I thought I'd go as myself.

Yeah, that's what I said - a pillock.

Sorry, it's just my sense of humour.

Are you seriously going as yourself?

Yeah. I thought I'd go as myself and not get dressed up and instead...

I don't... ..instead honour Luke by putting on my best shirt.

It is a nice shirt. I don't fucking believe this!

You don't bring the sausage rolls, you're shitting about in your own clothes

when there's a whole section of a Witherspoon's roped off.

They've put balloons up.

They've let us smoke and it's full of adults and children,

all trying, like, trying, Steve, trying as hard as they can

to dress up as something beginning with P.

Oh, sorry, I... Ooh, got to take this. I'm reporting a fraud.

No, let me get that for you, mate.

Fuck yourself!

They're going to think that was me! They're going to put that in my records.

Steve, Luke is my kid, and my kid loves sausage rolls.

You should have seen his face when he couldn't find one.

Smashed a window with his head.

On his special day.

I'm really sorry... You've got a toy parrot.

I've played with it in this flat.

You could have come as a pirate. That's what I said, isn't it?

What about her?

She's not dressed up.

I'm a policewoman, Steve. You've put on a hat.

Policewoman's hat. You're wearing what you wore last night.

She's clearly dressed as a policewoman. Anyone can see that.

She's made the effort, Steve, because she is a decent human being

and she's not some lazy, shit-eating piece of shit.

You haven't even got a TV licence.

Why are you bringing that up?

Cos it really annoys me. She's lazier than I am.

No, I'm not. I'm the one that goes and gets everything.

I'm always going down the chip shop.

I wonder why.

I've seen you with the girls in there with your horrible little grin.

At least she's got a heart, Steve.

At least she's got a heart.

Yeah? At least I've heard of Candle In The Wind.

What are you talking about? I've heard of it. You liar!

Course I've heard of it.

Everyone's heard of it. It's one of the best songs of all time.

We're thinking of having it as our first dance.

Stop trying to be a prick, Steve.

You haven't made an effort. Exactly.

It's atrocious. I mean, look at Paul.

He's made the effort.

He's got a sack.

What's in the sack, Paul?

Letters.

You see?

He's a postman. He'd have letters.

And in the bag?

Jess.

Oh, come on, that's funny.

He's got letters and a Jess.

Luke's just gone through a matter of life and death

and you're standing there laughing at him.

I wasn't laughing at him. Yes, you were.

I was laughing at Jess. And it's not my fault we're late.

Becky's been doing her make-up, washing her hair...

It was a fringe wash, Steve.

A fringe wash. What's a fringe wash all of a sudden?

My little boy is a hero. He beat cancer at the age of six.

What were you doing at the age of six? Playing with your dad's dick?

Sucking yourself off? OK, Paul, that's enough.

Luke's blood cells were fucked.

Now, you get in there and you dress up

as a fucking python or something, because otherwise...

OK, Paul, I said that's enough. You're being aggressive. No, I'm not!

If Steve doesn't want to dress as something beginning with P,

then Steve won't dress as something beginning with P.

OK?

Paul's mum's going as Mrs Goggins.

That doesn't begin with P.

Oh, he hasn't even heated them up.

I'll see you there.

Oh, my God.

He forgot Jess.

Jess.

I've got him.

Come on, Dan, time for you to go as well.

Haven't got my cards.

Yes, I have. Phew.

Bye, then.

I don't have a horrible little grin, do I?

Yeah, course.

You look like a rapist.

Did you get through to HSBC?

Nah, couldn't be bothered.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Guess we'd better go, then. Yeah.

We are properly late.

Yeah, we are.

Yep, I think Paul will actually kill me if I don't get there soon.

Yeah, he will.

He was proper angry.

Yeah, we should definitely go. Yes.

We must.

You have to pay for your drinks.

Really? Yeah.

No free bar? Nope.

Shall we just stay in and have sex?

Yeah, fuck it.

♪ Come closer and cuddle me tight

♪ My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang when you are near

♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

♪ It's such a lovely feeling

♪ When I'm in your arms... ♪

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