Original subtitles

Whoo!

Deejay: Show me those moves!

-Yeah, fuck this. -Yeah.

Arianna: Giddy up, bitches!

Operation Steal My Dad's Booze is happening now.

What?

Uh, i-it's just --

I wasn't really gonna go to -- to Riley's.

Oh, well, unfortunately, sometimes we have to walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

so let's go.

Are you gonna puke? No.

Do you want me to stick my fingers down your throat?

That's okay. Thank you, though.

You did that for me once, and it was actually, like,

one of the sweetest things that

But I'm pretty sure you actually

Definitely. Arianna: Andale!

Um, I have to tell you something.

What? I, um --

Come on! Okay, okay.

-Let's go! -Okay.

-Come on! -Babies!

I made V-day choko-lah-tays,

with a special love spell in them.

So if you eat them -- which you fucking better --

just know you're gonna get into all kinds of horny shit,

and your truest, deepest, darkest desires

will be coming true tonight.

Whoo!

I kinda believe in magic, do you?

You guys!

Everyone say, "Thank you, Zaddy Daddy"!

All: Thank you, Zaddy Daddy!

Wait, was she talking about her actual dad?

White girls need to use "Daddy" less literally.

Thank you, Zaddy Daddy!

Can -- Maybe we can just stop checking our phones?

It's the kids thanking you for the party bus.

Even though it was my idea to surprise them with a limo.

Well, the limo place said

And that's apparently the part I really struggle with.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart, what is going on?

What is going on?

That's a really great question.

How are you liking the Grenache?

It's, uh... it's terrific.

Yeah, y-you were right.

It, um, it has that wonderful oak.

Wonderful.

What's going on is that our son made up

a fake relationship with a --

with a boy,

just to upset us.

He pretended to go on dates.

Posted photos.

And obviously, Naomi was in on the entire thing.

Meaning that our house was just Lie Central.

And it doesn't seem to bother you.

And I just don't quite understand that.

But there's a lot of things I don't understand.

"Oaky" wine.

If it tastes like bark, why is that good?

Did you never wonder

this whole time if --

if he was making it up?

Waiter: Lovebirds!

Ready for another drink?

Oh, shit!

What?

The freezer broke and the magic --

the magic is fucking fucked!

The placenta? No. No, no, no, it's okay.

The magic was just to put out good energy

and to manifest or whatever, right?

'Cause the secret's definitely not out.

Chester: Let's go, bitches!

rich bitch juice

rich bitch juice

rich bitch juice

Hey, where are you?

Bo: Out front. What -- What are

Uh, my dad called.

Okay, can you come and be gross and PDA with me?

I want to annoy all the single people.

I wanna be that girl tonight, you know?

Oh, wait, I see you.

Hi. Hi.

What -- What was that?

I, um...

I think y-you are amazing.

Is this because of the fake-dating thing?

No. W-- Um, mostly not.

Because I really -- I feel like you overreacted

to all of it, like, the Nathan thing...

Okay. ...his mom...

No, no, I -- Or not.

And I just have, like, major character issues

and I'm deeply fucked up. No, I'm sure I did --

But I hide it under this very sparkly exterior.

Okay, so, why are you breaking up with me?

I'm really...

boring and nerdy.

Like, I -- Mm.

I don't even get w-why you like me.

I-I don't know. I...

Sometimes I wonder i-if it's more

that you just...

like how much I like you.

But if you like me so much,

then why are you breaking up with me?

You -- You are the -- the smartest, funniest --

That's just -- Don't do that.

That's, like, no.

Can we just, like...

find a roof somewhere

and you can write a quote on the wall

and talk to me about "Dungeons & Dragons"

and I can, like, feel, like, the whole world isn't shit?

Or could we just go anywhere?

and I'm bringin' my own

Hey, man, have you seen Delilah?

You Zoolander

Can I get a cup?

Girl. You have to tell her.

I know. But I was also just thinking.

There's also a version where I don't tell her

and she never finds out.

Sometimes not telling is better,

like when you shouldn't tell someone

they look good in dark lipstick

You literally just told me

I look good in dark lipstick today.

No! No! I-I just -- I --

At first I wasn't sure, but --

Also, everyone lies all the time,

and when you think about it, some lies, almost most of

are, like, more true than the actual truth.

I really agree with that, by the way.

Hey, um, I need weed.

I'm driving for a blackout.

and I'm bringin' my own

bandana my fifth

bandana my fifth

Um, by the way I just got dumped.

Yeah, literally just now.

Like, he's waiting outside for his dad.

It's not your fault. Just...

Can we, like, turn up the music or, like...

mosh pit on the trampoline or something?

'Cause I am so sick of being judged for who I am.

Like, I am a lot,

and I told everyone that from the fucking jump!

Yes, come on. Shit. Come.

I ain't new to this shit

get through in this bitch

let me talk my shit

bandana my fifth

Hi, um, even though that this is --

this is literally none of my business,

I-I just wanted to say that, like,

I was the one who started the lie.

Like, h-he was just doing me a favor.

Yeah, no, I-I...

I think, um...

I mean, that wasn't fully it --

He genuinely, really, really likes you.

Like, um, you --

you bring out really good things in him.

Like, he's -- he's more real when he's with you.

You're a really good friend to him.

No, I-I'm just his yappy Chihuahua.

Yeah. I don't think so.

Um...

Uh, my dad's here.

Hi, loverboy, want a chocolate?

Turns out I gave out the wrong chocolates on the

Those were the truth-telling ones.

These are the love ones.

But they could help with your stone-cold heart.

Yeah, uh, I don't think much can help with that.

You're probably right.

Also, tell Greta not to leave!

Greta, don't leave!

Come on.

I used to hate Valentine's Day, too.

But then I realized it's actually

a very entertaining holiday.

It's all about watching other people crumble.

Like, some years, my dads scream

over which rom-com to watch, and it used to disturb me,

but now I'm like, "Yes! Popcorn, please."

Oh, my God.

So, we could eat the truth ones,

and then I could unleash on Delilah and Naomi.

Oh, my God.

Because technically, it is after Winter Formal.

And who would you unleash on?

It's kinda obvious, I guess, right?

Hey, have you guys seen Delilah?

Ooh, are these more of the chocolates?

Thank you so much. These are so good.

Hi. Hi.

I'm -- I'm not sure where Naomi is.

That's okay. Um, do you want a chocolate?

it's just another day

That's one of the magic love ones, by the way.

I have to find my bag.

Um... Um, look, I just --

I just been really wanting to tell you that I'm just --

I'm kinda really blown away by you and how strong you are.

I mean, next to my brother,

I think you're probably the strongest person I know.

And, like, I love the whole feminine-niminism thing

that we're doing with Naomi and it being not traditional

and the whole patriarch thing and --

that you were saying. Um --

Also, ever since you turned me on to socialism,

I'm, like, that's really fucking cool

and more people need to know about that.

But there's just one problem.

What's that?

I don't want to date Naomi.

Oh, but you do. Let's go find her.

She's amazing. And you don't know

all the things we've been through together.

No, I know. What?

No, I mean -- Yes, I...

I mean, I --

I like her, but -- I --

I want to be a two-person thing.

With you. I'm sorry.

I-I-I know that sounds really traditional and boring.

And I wasn't gonna say anything, but my --

my brother was just like, "Say how you feel,

just be as strong as her," and I -- that's --

Why do you keep saying strong?

'Sup?

Cool.

Delilah: So wait, why "strong"?

Oh, my God. Hi.

How's it going?

I don't really want to be here.

I love when Gretita speaks her truth.

Well, Gretita's had a lot of chocolate tonight,

so that --

it might be coming out more than usual.

Do you know where Naomi is?

Do you know where the fuck Naomi is?!

No. No.

Okay, go, as hard as you can.

Wait. A-Are they back together?

-Who? -Greta and Luz.

Ugh! I'll find out. No!

-No, no, no, no! -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Aaaaaah!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's Valentine's Day!

I think love sucks.

I used to not, but I do now

'cause, uh, I had my heart broken.

Whee!

And, um, but never mind 'cause, like, it's,

like, literally fine and -- and I'm better off without him.

What I was gonna say is -- Why are you looking at me weird?

Riley: Okay, you want to just go chill?

No, I wanna talk about love.

Um, I'm personally of the belief

that it's, like, more like a brief homicidal tendency

and less, like, everlasting goodness.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Riley: Oh, shit.

Ohh!

No!

Oh, hi. Can you guys --

Can you make sure that no one comes in here, please?

You fucking told Cooper?!

Told him what?

I was on wisdom teeth drugs plus multiple Percocets!

And when the drugs wore off?

I was actually talking about drowning people

in my own family! Yeah, checks out.

Seriously, he was so impressed

and he kept saying how strong you are.

I'm not strong! I didn't do anything!

I just had a fucking baby in a bathroom

I didn't know I was going to have!

And I just didn't want anyone to fucking know

so I could just be me and not --

Why would you do that?!

I'm sorry.

That doesn't make it better!

Also, just so you know,

Cooper wants to date me and not you.

Heeeey!

You remember that party when you kept saying

that you weren't invited?

I was intrigued, but, like,

kind of sad for you at the same time.

What?

Ow! Ah, shit!

Hey, did you eat those magic truth-spell chocolates?

Or maybe it's the weed 'cause suddenly I want to go out

and say things to people I should not.

Like, I was actually going to tell Nathan

that when I hear the words "white boy,"

he's always been the first thing that comes to my mind.

Are -- Are you okay?

Shit. Come on.

Come here. Come with me.

Sorry.

Boy: Oh, them turtles gonna be blind.

Hi.

Hey.

Is it okay that I came?

Yeah, absolutely.

Is it? Yeah.

But this is funny --

you, uh, having a Valentine's Day party.

Well, it's not really for Valentine's Day.

But, um...

Wait, why is that funny?

'Cause don't we think about romance the same?

Hey, did you see that stoner playroom?

Yeah, you can't go in there.

Ah, look, let me just check on that really quickly.

It's, like, romance isn't all, like, hearts and rainbows

and -- and roses and shit.

Like, there's a darkness in it and -- and we see it.

And, like, I think that's okay.

Wait, h-how would you know how I see it?

'Cause of that night in the motel.

I mean, I-I knew why you were there.

Okay, um, I thought we agreed

that we were not gonna talk about that night.

Well, you said can we not talk about it and I said okay.

Okay, so are we not saying okay anymore?

You said Greta was a bitch to you.

Why wouldn't you just tell her?

I think that she would be very upset.

Okay? Like, very.

So are we okay not saying anything?

It's just funny 'cause

both of you keep saying you're not something

and it definitely feels like "something" energy,

and, ugh, I don't know what I'm getting out of all this.

Fuck. This is not the conversation

I want to be having with you right now.

Okay...what conversation did you want to be having?

I like you. Okay?

I-I want to be with you.

Hi. Um, I need to talk to you about something right now.

It is, like, very fucking critical.

-Come on. -Um, I am -- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Did you need saving?

Really badly. I got you.

My fucking mom will not leave me the fuck alone.

Why? It's time for shots!

Wait, what's going on with your mom?

You know, I'm sorry, but my kids come first.

And I need a distraction from this barrage of blame.

Not -- Not blame.

What I said was, what do you --

what do you think we did to make Nathan feel

like he needed to lie?

Well, "we" means me.

And I don't know what I did.

But apparently, you knew he was lying all along.

Well, I wondered.

And if maybe part of what made him do it

is that he doesn't always see us being honest?

Okay, you know what? Are we p-- Are we --

Let's just -- I think we need -- we should just get the check.

Are we pretending to have what we had?

I think we put up a pretty good front, okay?

I can never remember if this is Naomi's code

for everything is fine

or everything is definitely not fine.

I think we should go.

We need to go. What?

I think we need to go. No, we don't.

Yeah, she's not answering her phone.

And I really want to go. It doesn't matter.

She doesn't -- She -- Hi!

Come on. Hi, hello!

Check? Are you kidding?

What? Megan:

I don't know. Call her.

But she's not answering her phone,

so there's something's wrong.

And we're coming to get you right now.

What? No! I'm staying.

Boy: Sex party!

Okay, that's it!

We are coming for you right now.

Oh, my God, Mom, what is going on?

Like, you -- you know

I've been going through a hard time

with, um, everything, so --

so can you just let me be with my friends

and not all miserable and depressed?

Don't.

A hard time with the breakup?

Well, with a lot of stuff, but -- but yeah.

Do. Not.

Yeah, because it's hard for us to understand

how you could break up with someone

that you were never dating.

And please choose your next words very carefully.

Nathan! Nathan, come swimming!

W-Who told you? It doesn't matter.

Was it Naomi? Why did you lie?

Um...I don't know, Mom,

maybe because you don't want to hear the truth

and can't accept me for who I am.

Who told you?!

Why did you lie?

Oh, my God.

You can't keep things from me and then be mad at me for lying.

You know what? You're right.

All of you are right.

I do lie. I do.

Because there is no way

I could ever tell you the truth

of how terrified I am for you.

You are my only son.

And I would lay down on train tracks for you.

But I am so afraid for you.

So from now, on I will be totally honest

and tell you everything you do not want to hear.

Chingada! Sorry.

Riley: Hey, you can't go crazy in there.

Nathan: Who told you?

Hey, hey, I want to keep talking to you.

Ugh, I feel like we're the same person.

'Cause I see how your mind is working.

Just, like, "How can I not piss off this girl

that just told me she likes me

so she doesn't go blow everything up?"

Are you gonna tell -- Are you gonna tell Greta?

You fucking told my mother?!

No. I -- She --

She figured it out and then I didn't cover fast enough.

Okay, so why didn't you tell me after?

Okay, goodbye.

Wait, what are you gonna go do right now?

Hello! Fuck! Ugh!

Am I being really paranoid or is she gonna go tell her?

Um, okay, but, like, what the fuck with my mom?

I'm a lying piece of shit, okay?

I am sorry. I just -- I should've told you.

I should've told Greta. I just --

I can only fix that one right now, so I'm sorry, okay?

I'm really sorry.

Chester: I'm gonna see if I can hold my breath

for the whole "Star-Spangled Banner"!

-What? -

I'm really wondering about those chocolates

'cause shit's getting fucked up.

Like, this is some serious Red Wedding vibes.

-I'm leaving. -Okay.

Naomi: Okay?

So, like, friends for 16 years,

The 16-year friend who dumped me

to go to Winter Formal with a guy?

I -- You said it was okay!

I obviously didn't mean it, Naomi.

H-How was I supposed to know that?

Because you just should've!

Just like you should've known how much it sucked

that you were sticking your fingers in my brother's mouth

and going on about how his hair made you want to cum?

He wasn't even into me!

That literally does not matter, and you know that.

I'm sorry if the Cooper thing upsets you,

but I guess, I don't know,

you reap what you sow or whatever.

Oh, you want to talk about reaping what you sow?

Because your sister-wife over there hates you,

and I'm not too in love with you either right now.

Is that it? Really?!

Also, for the future,

I would really recommend not fucking with a witch.

Chester: Nathan, come in!

I kinda have to go. What the fuck?

It's a fucking party and no one wants to fucking party with me!

Fuck you all!

You're all gonna regret it!

if you can't shake

there's no rest for the

there's no rest for the

Jesus fuck!

Oh, my God!

Look at you!

Yes!

Come through, Titanic!

Oh, my God. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Yes!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-Oh, fuck! -Oh, my God! It is so cold!

-Okay, come on. -It's so cold!

I got you, I got you, I got you.

Here.

Mmph.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna take a shower.

Whew!

Are you cold?

Um, no, I'm okay.

Jesus fuck! Sorry.

Um, is -- is Delilah here?

No!

Sorry.

Uh...

I'm gonna go...

finger-paint.

Look, I-I feel bad about the Naomi thing.

It's not your fault.

Um, but about the other part.

It's just, you and I aren't right for each other.

Remotely. Like, in any way.

Sure. No, I-I get it.

Um, I just --

I just want to say one thing about the Panda Express thing.

Okay, so, okay, do you know how, like,

Avery Foster got fingered by the guy who ate Hot Cheetos

and that's like all anyone would talk about?

And then she was so mad, she was like, "Fuck it.

If that's all they're gonna talk about,

I'm gonna get the student store to sell better snacks,

including Hot Cheetos,"

and now she's like the Hot Cheeto Hero?

Well, I was just thinking, with you, um...

Is what I'm saying bad?

Are you telling me to own my story?

Maybe?

Sorry.

It's just coming from someone who's...

so straight and cis and not queer,

it's just ugh, you know?

I -- I -- Yeah, no, no,

I'm sorry.

Fuck!

That was good!

Oh, come on. I have to get something.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I wouldn't -- Um --

Oh, shit, sorry.

Aren't you freezing?

Nathan: No, I'm fine.

God, I'm fucked up.

Um...

I'm s-- I'm sorry about Bo.

No, it's not you.

He just doesn't think that we're right for each other.

Yeah, well, um...

You know, there are -- there are

not right for each other who are actually, like,

really right for each other.

Yeah, like who?

Um...

Actually, I-I-I can't think of any right now,

but, um, I'm sure they exist.

And "opposites attract," right?

God, I hate that voicemail.

I loved it.

And I love that you're giving me relationship advice right now.

Yeah, like I have anything to offer.

and feel the love

I just really want to kiss you right now.

and feel the love

D-Do you actually?

I'm so sorry.

Shit.

Hi. Um... I just want to say that

with the whole Winter Formal thing,

I fucking suck and I'm sorry.

And tonight I'm gonna bury this like the Maori do --

not in a cultural appropriation way --

but just because it's time.

And if you don't want to be there, I get it,

but if you were there with me,

I would really, really love that.

Delilah: Hi. Uh, can we bury the placenta in your yard?

It's good for plants.

Riley: Okay, y-yeah, sure.

Oh, fuck!

No!

God damn it!

Get the fuck out!

Get out of here right now!

Go, go, right now!

Oh.

I'm losing slowly

I'm sorry for not being a better friend.

Riley: What? W-- No, what?

I'm -- I'm the one who's always

I need to be a lot better at -- at that.

And about that, did -- did Luz come find you?

Wait. Uh, can I say something first?

'Cause if I don't say it right now, I might not.

So, um...

that thing that y-you asked me before

at the pre-party?

There's something I've been noticing about myself.

I -- I can like someone.

Like, really like them.

But when it comes to kissing or making out or whatever,

I don't want that.

Oh.

So I don't know how it could work,

like, between us.

Even if you wanted it to.

Um, what I said that night

wasn't 'cause of me not liking you.

'Cause I never stopped liking you.

Um, I actually, um...

I love you.

this is my saving grace

I love -- I love you.

Um...

But, uh, that night at the motel,

um, I -- I left after I --

-Run! Cops! -

No!

-No! No cops! -Cops!

Delilah: No! Hi! It's just me!

I'll turn the music back on in a sec!

I just need to say something and I kinda need

to say it for everyone!

Um...

I haven't been living in shame,

but I also haven't been living

the truest version of myself either.

And, uh, I just want to say that, from experience,

mm, secrets fucking suck.

And you should just be true to yourself

and own your story, but --

Okay! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Um, you can go back to body shots or whatever.

Um, um...

Uh, okay.

Just so everyone knows --

this is probably definitely a coincidence and -- and --

and not a racist thing -- but I'm Panda Express Girl!

Okay, thanks! Bye!

Oh, my God!

-Panda Express Girl? -I don't know.

-Put the music back on! -Yeah, right?

that you judge my shit

at a CVS store

you weak-ass bitch?

crying on the floor

Mom and Dad are almost here.

from BTS

tik tik, tok tok

Yeah, that was my night, too.

At one point I just had to lock myself in the bathroom

and play "Candy Crush."

And I hate everyone except you.

Ugh, I forgot to cancel tennis tomorrow.

Mark: I think we need to take a break.

Mom?

how anymore

back home

Sam: Chester? Hi.

Are you okay?

Sorry it's the middle of the night.

W-Where are you?

I-I'm just, um...

I'm sitting outside.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Sam.

It's okay.

It's really okay.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Would it be okay if we just sat

and didn't say anything?

Yeah.

Are you still there?

Yeah.

Thank you, Sam.

Good night, Chester.

It's you.

I choose

judging me

feel like I'm tied to them

then go and load the gun

feel like I'm tied to them

then go and load the gun

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