Original subtitles

>> I FEEL LIKE IN L.A. EVERYBODY

SHOULD BE GIVEN A GLOW STICK

WHEN THEY COME HERE, AND WHEN

YOU'RE 35, THE GLOW STICK RUNS

OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE IN

SANTA FE, BEHIND A POTTER'S

WHEEL AT THIS POINT, WITH LITTLE

KIDS GATHERED AROUND ME, AND I

JUST HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE

OVERALLS ON AND A CIGARETTE.

AND I'M GOING, "YOU WANT TO HEAR

STORIES WHERE THE 405 MEET THE

10?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HUH?!

IT'S FUCKING HELL IN L.A., AND

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO A

'HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER'

AUDITION?!

YOU HAVE IT EASY IN SANTA FE,

WITH ALL THIS COPPER SHIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHO IS EDDIE PEPITONE?

EDDIE IS...

>> HE IS DEFINITELY A COMIC'S

COMIC.

I MEAN, EVERY COMEDIAN KNOWS AND

LOVES EDDIE PEPITONE.

>> AT HIS PEAK, ELVIS COSTELLO

NEVER SOLD THE RECORDS THAT

REO SPEEDWAGON SOLD.

DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE BETTER.

>> HE HAD A CALLING.

I REALLY THINK IT WAS HIS

CALLING.

>> EDDIE PEPITONE -- HE IS THE

CHARLES BUKOWSKI OF COMEDY.

ONLY, REPLACE ALCOHOL WITH

NUTTER BUTTERS.

>> BUT ALL IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME

IS THAT, LIKE, A HOMELESS GUY

GOT ONSTAGE AND GRABBED THE

MIKE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU THINK ABOUT

ANYBODY MAKING IT LATER IN LIFE,

YOU KNOW?

>> HE LOVES TO THINK OF HIMSELF

AS A DEEPLY SPIRITUAL PERSON.

IN FACT, HE'S PROBABLY THE

ANGRIEST PERSON I KNOW.

[ WILCO'S "BORN ALONE" PLAYS ]

>> * I HAVE HEARD THE WAR AND

WORRY OF THE GOSPEL *

* FERRY FAST ACROSS THE VOID

* I HAVE MARRIED BROKEN

SPOKE-CHARGING SMOKE WHEELS *

* SPIT AND SWALLOWED OPIOID

* I AM THE DRIVER AT THE...

>> THERE'S THIS IDEA OF, LIKE,

"WELL, ONCE YOU'RE PAST 40,

YOU'RE KIND OF -- YOU DON'T

REALLY CONNECT WITH THE YOUTH

ANYMORE."

AND YOUNG AUDIENCES REALLY KIND

OF GET HIM.

>> EDDIE PEPSI ONE IS ONE OF MY

FAVORITE COMEDIANS TO WATCH...

BUT NOT LISTEN TO.

>> THEY CALL HIM THE BITTER

BUDDHA, AND I THINK THAT'S LIKE

THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION.

>> AS SOON AS YOU SEE HIM, YOU

THINK YOU'VE SEEN HIM YOUR WHOLE

LIFE.

HE'S JUST THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF

A CERTAIN TYPE OF PASSIONATE

ADULT.

>> WITHIN MINUTES OF SEEING

EDDIE'S WORK OR MEETING HIM AND

TALKING TO HIM, YOU REALIZE THIS

IS A GUY THAT HAS EXPERIENCED A

LOT.

>> I WOULDN'T SAY HE WALKS THE

WALK, BUT I WOULD SAY HE TRUDGES

THE TRUDGE.

>> CERTAIN COMEDIANS THAT YOU

WISH WERE SORT OF RECOGNIZED AS

NATIONAL TREASURES AND JUST,

LIKE, GIVEN SOME SORT OF A

PAYCHECK JUST FOR EXISTING,

GIVEN A STIPEND JUST TO BE AS

FUNNY AS THEY ARE, AND HE'S ONE

OF THEM.

>> NOW MIGHT BE MY TIME, YOU

KNOW, IF I DON'T DIE FROM TOO

MANY FUCKING ICE CREAM

SANDWICHES OR, YOU KNOW, VEGAN

STUFF.

>> I WOULD LOVE A CAREER LIKE

THAT.

>> EDDIE PEPITONE HAS THE KIND

OF THING WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TO,

LIKE, LITERALLY SEARCH OUT

LAYERS UPON LAYERS JUST TO

FIND --

>> ONE PERSON OUT OF A THOUSAND

EVEN KNOWS WHO I AM.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

>> WELL, HE GOT A LATE START.

>> HE DID GET A VERY LATE START.

YEAH, HE REALLY -- BASICALLY, I

THINK -- WHO WAS IT?

SOMEONE AT CAA WAS LIKE,

"HIS --" HANG ON.

I WANT TO PHRASE THIS RIGHT.

"HIS BOOKABLE YEARS ARE OVER."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> ARE YOU MAKING A DOCUMENTARY?

IS IT KIND OF LIKE THE RISE

AND FALL, THE

"TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY"?

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GONNA DO A

RISE AND FALL, HE'S GOT TO GO UP

FIRST.

YOU GOT TO GET HIM SOME ACTUAL,

AND THEN SEE HIM BLOW IT.

>> THE TAKING SO LONG IS PART OF

WHAT MAKES HIM SO UNIQUE AND

MAKES HIS VOICE SO STARTLING,

IN THAT HE IS A GUY THAT CAN

TALK VERY HONESTLY ABOUT DECADES

OF FEAR AND FAILURE AND LEARNING

TO DEAL WITH THAT CREATIVELY.

THAT'S A VOICE THAT NO ONE ELSE

IN THIS CITY RIGHT NOW CAN

LEGITIMATELY AND AUTHENTICALLY

SAY THAT THEY HAVE.

>> I LOVE THOSE LITTLE

EXCHANGES, YOU KNOW, THOSE

LITTLE MEANINGLESS EXCHANGES.

"ROOM FOR CREAM?"

BUT YOU MAKING THEM INTO A BIG

THING IS FUN TO DO, LIKE,

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

"UM, ROOM FOR CREAM?"

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"'ROOM FOR CREAM'?

WHAT DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?

OF COURSE I WANT ROOM FOR CREAM!

I'M MENTALLY ILL!

WHEN YOU'RE MENTALLY ILL, YOU

NEED ROOM FOR CREAM!"

AND THEN HIS BOSS, LIKE, SEES

THAT EXCHANGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIS BOSS SEES THAT EXCHANGE AND

GOES, "BOBBY, THE MENTALLY ILL

NEED ROOM FOR CREAM!

THEY NEED A LOT OF ROOM.

THEY PUT THEIR HAND IN IT WHEN

IT'S HOT, AND THEY DON'T SUE!

THEY JUST PUT THEIR HAND IN IT

WHEN IT'S SCALDING JUST SO THEY

CAN FEEL FUCKING ALIVE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU.

[ Spanish accent ] I LIKE-A THE

ICE-A CREAM!

I LIKE-A THE ICE-A CREAM!

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ Normal voice ] THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW

THAT I HAVE A BIG AUDITION

TOMORROW.

>> IT IS SURPRISING TO ME THAT

COMEDY CENTRAL DOESN'T GIVE THIS

GUY A HALF-HOUR, AT LEAST.

KIDS -- THEY CAN SEE OTHER KIDS

ALL THE TIME DO THE THINGS THEY

DO, BUT WHEN THEY SEE AN ADULT

WITH A CHILDLIKE SENSIBILITY OR

A SILLY SENSIBILITY, THAT'S

WHAT -- THAT'S WHAT KIDS WOULD

LOVE.

THAT'S LIKE RODNEY.

THAT'S WHY KIDS LOVE RODNEY.

>> I ALWAYS WORRY THAT I'M GONNA

BE TOO NEGATIVE.

I ALWAYS WORRY THAT I'M GONNA BE

TOO NEGATIVE BECAUSE I GO OUT

THERE TALKING ABOUT THAT WE'RE

IN AN ABSOLUTE -- AN ABSOLUTE

DISASTROUS CESSPOOL OF SHIT.

AND THAT'S -- YOU KNOW, IS THAT

A PLACE WHERE COMEDY CAN HAPPEN?

I THINK SO. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE BEEN SO FULL OF GODDAMN

RAGE AT WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON NOT

ONLY IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT MORE

SO IN MY FAMILY.

MY WIFE -- MY WIFE -- MY WIFE IS

KEPT ALIVE IN A VAT OF BLUE

LIQUID, AND SHE HAS A VERY, VERY

SMALL PIN THAT HOLDS UP HER

ENTIRE BONE STRUCTURE!

AND I CAN'T AFFORD THIS ANYMORE!

I'M A COLLAGE ARTIST, AND RIGHT

NOW, BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY, IT

IS VERY HARD TO SELL MY

COLLAGES, WHICH ARE -- AND

THEY'RE OLD-SCHOOL COLLAGES.

THEY ARE CLIPPINGS.

WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT, YOU

DIGITAL FUCKS?!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS BORN IN BROOKLYN.

AT THE AGE OF 9, MY DAD MOVED

US --

>> [ Laughing ] I THOUGHT YOU

WERE SAYING "I WAS BORN AT THE

AGE OF 9."

I WAS LIKE --

>> I WAS KEPT IN AN INCUBATION

POD UNTIL 9.

I -- MY DAD DIDN'T WANT TO

RELEASE ME.

NO.

I WAS BORN IN BROOKLYN, AND AT 9

WE MOVED TO STATEN ISLAND, WHICH

WAS THE COUNTRY TO MY DAD,

ANOTHER BOROUGH OF NEW YORK.

MY MOM WAS MANIC DEPRESSIVE, AND

MY DAD WAS KIND OF ANGRY ABOUT

THE WHOLE SITUATION WITH MY MOM.

AND, YOU KNOW, HE LOVED ME, BUT

HE WAS CRITICAL OF ME, YOU KNOW?

I NEVER HAD, LIKE, A LOT OF

FAITH, CONFIDENCE IN LIFE.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE FUCKING HATE

ME, AND I'M ANGRY AT PEOP--

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW -- AND IT'S

BEEN A STRUGGLE.

>> I GET THE SENSE THAT EDDIE'S

DAD IS AN ANGRY GUY, AS WELL,

AND THAT'S WHERE EDDIE'S ANGER

COMES FROM.

IT WAS PROBABLY A VERY, VERY

DIFFICULT HOUSE TO GROW UP IN.

>> MY DAD WAS SO INTENSE ABOUT

EVERYTHING.

>> YEAH.

>> LIKE, WHEN WE WERE HAVING

DINNER [Chuckling] HE'D BE

LIKE -- I GREW UP IN A CRAZY --

WHEN WE WERE HAVING DINNER, HE'D

BE LIKE [Quietly] "PASS THE

SALT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

>> YEAH.

>> AND I'D BE LIKE, "REALLY?

WHAT'S IT MEAN TO YOU?"

LIKE, EVERYTHING WAS A HUGE

NEGOTIA-- AND I WOULD GET DOWN

ON MY KNEES ABOUT, LET'S SAY,

THE GARAGE DOOR.

THE THERMOSTAT WAS ANOTHER

THING.

"DID YOU TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT?"

AND I REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T

KNOW IF I COULD TELL THE TRUTH.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A PROBLEM WITH

LYING IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M

ALWAYS AFRAID OF THE

CONSEQUENCES OF TELLING THE

TRUTH.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"DADDY, LOOK AT IN YOUR HEART!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I WOULD START DOING THAT,

LIKE TOTORO, IF SOME OF YOU ARE

FAMILIAR WITH TOTOR-- I'D BE

LIKE, "DADDY, LOOK IN YOUR

HEART!

YES, I DID TURN THE THERMOSTAT

UP!

BUT I LIKE IT WARM, FATHER!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND REMEMBER, DADDY, YOU AND

MOMMY DECIDED TO HAVE ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I AM PART OF LA FAMIGLIA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMETIMES I CAN GET SO ANGRY,

YOU KNOW, OR RESENTFUL THAT

YOUNG GUYS, YOU KNOW, LIKE

AZIZ ANSARI OR -- WHOEVER THESE

FUCKING GUY-- LIKE, THEY'RE BIG

STARS.

THEY'RE BIG ST-- BUT THEY REALLY

DON'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET FUNNIER

WHEN YOU GET OLDER.

LOOK AT LENO.

BUT YOU CAN GET FUNNIER WHEN

YOU'RE OLDER.

SO, NO. I MEAN, YEAH.

I MEAN, HE'S NOT -- HE HASN'T

HAD A LEAD IN A SERIES, BUT I

COULD SEE IT HAPPENING.

I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

>> SCOTT, TELL ME ONE MEMORABLE

10-MINUTE DRIVE YOU TOOK TO A

CALLBACK AUDITION IN THIS TOWN

WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR 20s.

I CAN'T REMEMBER A SINGLE ONE.

>> I CAN'T REMEMBER.

ALL I REMEMBER ARE THE CALLBACKS

AND BOOKING THE JOBS.

>> BUT EDDIE PEPITONE CAN TELL

YOU STORIES OF A BUS RIDE HE

TOOK FROM SILVER LAKE TO

CULVER CITY TO DO BACKGROUND

WORK ON "JUDGE MATHIS."

AND THAT IS A GREAT STORY.

>> THERE'S PEOPLE WHO HAVE

BECOME SUPER FAMOUS OVERNIGHT

FOR REASONS THAT I DON'T REALLY

COMPREHEND.

AND YET A GUY LIKE EDDIE, WHO --

TO ME, HE'S LIKE A UNICORN.

THERE'S NOBODY ELSE LIKE HIM.

>> HE'S HIT THIS, LIKE, VITAL

STAGE NOW, AND, YOU KNOW, HE'S

COMPLETELY RELEVANT TO THIS VERY

YOUNG, NEW COMEDY.

HE'S AT THE FOREFRONT OF IT.

>> TWITTER IS CHANGING THE FACE

OF COMEDY, DON'T YOU THINK?

I DO.

AND I WANT TO PREACH IT LOUD AND

CLEAR FROM EVERY ROOFTOP.

I BROUGHT SOME OF MY TWEETS

TODAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I LOVE TO TWEET, YOU KNOW?

IT MAKES UP FOR A LIFE THAT

WASN'T WELL LIVED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SIGNS THAT THINGS AREN'T GOING

WELL.

ONE -- THE PRAYER CIRCLE YOU ARE

IN HAS A BOUNCER.

TWO -- YOU SPEAK ABOUT MARGARINE

EXTENSIVELY."

AND THEN THE OTHER ONE I DID --

"TO-DO LIST.

ONE -- MAKE EYES AT MORGUE

ATTENDANT SO I CAN GET BETTER

COFFIN PRICE.

TWO -- FIND THE CHRIST HEAD

WITHIN.

THREE -- BUY EGGS."

I HAVE NEVER HAD KIDS.

I'M 52.

I FEEL A LITTLE BAD ABOUT THAT

LATELY.

YOU REMEMBER THE SCENE IN

"INTO THE WILD" WHERE

HAL HOLBROOK IS TALKING TO THE

KID?

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

HE'S LIKE, "LOOK, I GOT NO ONE.

I WANT -- I WANT YOU TO BE MY

SON."

I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA BE

HAL HOLBROOK WITH SOME FUCKING

WAIF, LIKE SOME WAIF RUNNING

THROUGH LOS ANGELES.

AND I'LL BE AT THE END OF MY

COMEDY THING, AND I'LL JUST HAVE

HIM IN, YOU KNOW, MY

MINI COOPER, GOING, "LOOK...

I NEVER HAD ANYBODY."

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S BEEN REALLY GOOD FOR ME TO

FINALLY BE WITH SOMEONE THAT I

FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE WITH, YOU

KNOW, THAT I TRUST.

AND KAREN IS THAT PERSON.

[ High-pitched voice ] WHERE'S

OUR BABY?

WHERE'S OUR BABY?

OOH!

[ Normal voice ] YOU GUYS ARE

GETTING GOURMET STUFF LATELY.

>> I'LL LEAVE SHERMIE'S OPEN.

>> YEAH. LOUIE HUNGRY.

>> YOU CAN'T SEE THEM, RIGHT?

>> WAIT.

THE MEMBRANE THEORY IS THE FACT

THAT WORDS -- IT'S LIKE A

BUBBLE.

IT'S LIKE A -- MEMBRANE THEORY

SAYS THAT WE'RE LIKE THIS -- OUR

UNIVERSE IS LIKE A BUBBLE AND

THAT IT GOES UP AGAINST OTHER

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES, THAT THEIR

MEMBRANES COME CLOSE TOGETHER

AND THEY KIND OF REBOUND OFF

EACH OTHER.

AND SO THERE'S ALL THESE

ALTERNATE --

>> WE ALWAYS HAVE BIG

DISAGREEMENTS ON MEMBRANES AND

STRING THEORY.

KAREN WATCHES A LOT OF SCIENCE

STUFF.

>> WELL, YEAH.

>> MORE THAN ME.

I JUST LIKE EATING SESAME SEEDS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> ROUND OF APPLAUSE IF YOU LIKE

"JEOPARDY!"

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YEAH!

>> YOU WATCH IT, RIGHT?

I WATCH IT.

ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND, KAREN,

WATCH IT, AND WE JUST -- IT'S

FUNNY BECAUSE IF SOMEONE WAS

RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR APARTMENT

WINDOW, THEY WOULD JUST HEAR US

YELLING DISPARATE THINGS, LIKE,

"CHOCOLATE!"

"KING OF PRUSSIA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LINT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

BUT TREBEK -- FOR FIVE MINUTES,

HE'S, LIKE, ASKING PEOPLE WHAT

THEY'RE DOING, AND I THINK, WITH

THE WAY THE COUNTRY IS GOING,

YOU KNOW, WITH THE FUCKING

LARGE-SCALE UNEMPLOYMENT AND,

YOU KNOW, JOBS NOT COMING BACK

AND JUST, YOU KNOW, GLOBAL

WARMING AND SHIT, PRETTY SOON

THE CONTESTANTS ARE GONNA BE --

LIKE, "OH, HEY, DON.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A

LIVING?"

"ALEX, I AM -- I JUST HAVE A

GUN, AND I PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE

AT HOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND I JUST HAVE A GUN IN MY

MOUTH, AND I JUST SPIN THE

CHAMBER.

I WISH I HAD A GOOD STORY.

I KNOW THAT THERE'S GOOD --"

WOULDN'T IT?

THAT'D BE GREAT TO BE THE

"JEOPARDY!" CONTESTANT WHO'S

LIKE, "SO, EDDIE, WHAT DO YOU

DO?"

"WHAT DO I DO?

I BLEED IN FOUNTAINS.

THAT'S WHAT I DO, ALEX.

I HOPE I WIN HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I BLEED IN FOUNTAINS!

AND I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD

HAVE TAKEN AWAY THOSE POINTS!"

THEY START GIVING ME POINTS ON

"JEOPARDY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'D LIKE TO BE THE

OUT-OF-CONTROL "JEOPARDY!" GUY.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT'S NOT

RIGHT?!

GIBRALTAR IS A ROCK!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU DIDN'T SAY 'WHAT IS

GIBRALTAR'?"

"I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"GIVE ME THE POINTS, TREBEK!"

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

I MISSPELLED "ANCHORWOMAN."

AW, FUCK THIS SHIT.

YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

[ SNIFFS ]

>> I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST

WAY.

YOU KNOW, EDDIE IS TO

EXISTENTIAL ANGST WHAT A SKUNK

IS TO STENCH, IN THE SENSE THAT

YOU CAN'T GET MORE IN ONE

ORGANISM.

>> PERFECT.

YOU AND HIM CAN TIE THE KNOT.

>> [ LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE STEPPING

ON -- LET HIM FINISH.

>> OKAY.

>> WE JUST NEED A LITTLE BIT OF

A --

>> FRANK DID THAT, RIGHT?

I'M NOT SAYING.

NO, AND HE CALLED --

>> YEAH, LET'S ASSIGN BLAME.

>> [ Laughing ] YES! YES!

>> FIRST ASSIGN BLAME.

>> YES. PAUL GETS IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PAUL GETS IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HE KNOWS THAT YOU KNOW THAT

HE KNOWS HOW FUCKED UP HE IS.

THAT, I THINK, IS WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S -- YOU KNOW, THAT HE'S SO

ANGRY, BUT HE'S SO SELF-AWARE.

>> NO, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE

STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO ROBBED A

BANK SO HE COULD GET HEALTHCARE?

>> MM.

>> DID YOU GUYS -- YOU DID NOT

HEAR THIS?

>> I HEARD THAT. SAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU SLOUGH THIS SHIT OFF NOW.

BY THE WAY, I THINK --

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, YOU REALLY DO.

YOU REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE GOING VERY

WELL FOR YOU, AND I COULD JUST

SEE YOU, YOU KNOW, PICKING UP A

PAPER, GOING, "VERY SAD ABOUT

THAT," RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY!

LET ME GET A CILANTRO-INFUSED

SALMON!

MARC MARON!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WANT A FROZEN GRAPE?

THESE ARE SO GOOD.

YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA VACUUM A

LITTLE.

>> I THINK COMEDIANS DO LIKE THE

DARK SIDE.

OF THE FEW THINGS I KNOW ABOUT

EDDIE PERSONALLY, I KNOW THAT HE

LIVES IN THAT TERRIBLE BUILDING.

HE SEEMS TO REVEL IN LIVING IN

THIS DEPRESSING PLACE, SO...

[ CAT MEOWS ]

>> CRISSIE.

CRISSIE.

CRISWELL.

YEAH.

HE'S A SOCIAL CAT.

LIKE, HE LOVES WHEN PEOPLE COME

OVER.

YOU'RE MY PUPPY.

YOU'RE MY PUPPY.

YOU'RE MY PUPPY.

>> HE'S A REALLY LOVELY, SWEET

GUY, AND I COULD SEE HIM NEEDING

TO SOMEHOW QUIET DOWN THE VOICES

IN HIS HEAD.

AND IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE TO

ME THAT EDDIE WOULD SIT ON A

PARK BENCH AND FEED SQUIRRELS,

FOR I COULD SEE HIM NEEDING HELP

TO STOP DOING THAT.

>> LIKE, I LOVE FUCKING -- I

LOVE BIRDS AND SQUIRRELS AND

CATS, DOGS.

AND I ALWAYS HAVE LOVED ANIMALS,

BUT NOW IT'S REALLY INTENSE,

WHERE OUT HERE NOW I'M SORT OF

PROTECTING THE SQUIRRELS BECAUSE

THERE'S A LOT OF ASSHOLES WHO

TRY TO FUCK WITH THE SQUIRRELS.

I'M LIKE -- AND THEN I'M LIKE

GOING, "DO I REALLY WANT TO

BECOME THE SQUIRREL DETECTOR,

YOU KNOW?"

[ SMOOCHES ] HEY.

THEY KIND OF KNOW ME AT THIS

POINT, YOU KNOW?

HI.

HI. YEAH.

I LIKE WHEN I FEEL THEIR PAW

TOUCH MY FINGER.

>> I CANNOT EVEN VISUALIZE

EDDIE PEPITONE FEEDING SQUIRRELS

IN THE PARK.

DOES HE DO IT -- DOES HE DO IT

ANGRILY?

DOES HE CHUCK THE CRUMBS AT

THEM?

>> OH, HI!

HI. YEAH.

YOU HEARD ABOUT THE FREE NUTS?

>> I PICTURE HIM BEING ANGRY

THAT MORE SQUIRRELS AREN'T

COMING, SHOUTING AT THEM.

"GET OVER HERE! COME ON!

I GOT WALNUTS!

11 BUCKS AT TRADER JOE'S!"

'CAUSE THAT'S A THING THAT HE

DOES.

HE ALWAYS WANTS TO MAKE SURE

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW FAR HE'S

GONE FOR SOMETHING.

SO, I PICTURE HIM DESCRIBING TO

THE SQUIRREL -- "11 BUCKS, PLUS

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO PARK AT

TRADER JOE'S."

>> YOU KNOW, AT FIRST, YEAH, IT

WOULD SEEM THAT EDDIE REALLY

DOESN'T BELONG HERE IN

LOS ANGELES.

HE HAS A VERY "NEW YORK IN THE

'50s" FEEL TO HIM.

HE FEELS LIKE A -- HE FEELS LIKE

A BEATNIK, EAST VILLAGE TYPE

THAT BROKE LOOSE FROM THAT GROUP

AND KIND OF WASHED UP IN L.A.,

LIKE, "WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?"

>> I GUESS THAT HE WAS NOTHING

BEFORE, NOTHING WHEN HE WAS

YOUNG AND WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER

AND THEN WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE

OLDER, A LITTLE OLDER, A LITTLE

OLDER.

HE PROBABLY WAS SHITTY OR

SOMETHING.

I MEAN, I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

>> WAIT, BARTENDER, ASS-KISSER,

WHATEVER WE COULD DO TO MAKE A

COUPLE OF BUCKS.

IF THERE'S A WAITER YOU DON'T

EVER WANT TO HAVE, IT'S THAT

GUY.

HE JUST HAD THE SAME STINKY

SHIRT DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

AND FINALLY -- THERE WAS A

GARAGE ADJACENT TO THE KITCHEN.

WE BURNED HIS SHIRT IN THE

GARAGE BECAUSE IT STUNK SO BAD.

IT WAS JUST LIKE, "EDDIE, THAT

THING'S COMING OFF."

THE MANAGER LIT IT UP.

>> I SUBLETTED MY APARTMENT TO

EDDIE AND ONE DAY I WENT OVER TO

GET MY TV AND HE HAD PAWNED IT.

I SAID, "ED, WHERE'S MY TV?"

AND HE SAID, "OH, I DIDN'T THINK

YOU WANTED THAT."

>> LISTEN TO ME.

LOOK. LOOK. LOOK. LOOK.

IT'S FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

>> PLEASE GIVE ME SOME OF IT,

MAN!

A PIECE, A PIECE, A PIECE, A

LITTLE PIECE.

>> IT'S NOT FOR ME.

>> COME ON. LOOK AT ME, MAN.

>> I KNOW.

LOOK, I'LL COME BACK, ALL RIGHT?

>> YOU REMEMBER WHEN I GAVE

YOU -- COME ON!

PACO'S GETTING ME, TOO, MAN!

PACO OWES ME!

>> I FIRST SAW EDDIE WORK IN

NEW YORK ABOUT 7,000 YEARS AGO,

AND EDDIE WAS -- FROM THE VERY

EARLY DAYS, EDDIE WAS SOMEBODY

THAT EVERYBODY TALKED ABOUT AS,

"WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE KNOW WHO

EDDIE PEPITONE IS?

HE'S UNBELIEVABLE."

>> IT'S FUNNY.

WHEN I PERFORM IN FRONT OF

AUDIENCES THAT I'M NOT USED TO,

IT'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE I STAY IN

L.A. AND NEW YORK,

PARTICULARLY -- WELL, L.A. NOW

THE LAST FEW YEARS.

SO, I REALLY GET USED TO CERTAIN

TYPES OF AUDIENCES, AND SINCE I

DON'T TRAVEL, I GET IN MY HEAD.

>> HE WOULD DO FINE ON THE ROAD

IF HE GOT OUT ON THE ROAD MORE.

AND IT WOULDN'T EVEN MEAN

ADJUSTING ANYTHING THAT HE DOES.

IT WOULD JUST MEAN LEARNING HOW

TO GET PEOPLE TO COME TO WHAT HE

DOES.

THAT JUST COMES FROM BEING ON

THE ROAD.

>> WHAT IS IT WITH THE WAVE,

FOLKS?

NOBODY WAVES!

THAT'S ON YOU. I WAVED.

I ALWAYS WORRY BECAUSE

MAINSTREAM PEOPLE TEND TO BE A

LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY ME, LIKE

PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE DISNEY

STORE DURING THE DAY.

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA WANT

TO SEE ME TALKING ABOUT HOW I

JERK OFF TO UFC FIGHTS, BUT

MAYBE I'M WRONG ABOUT THAT.

HOW'S THE CROWD?

>> UH, LOOKING GOOD.

>> YOU KNOW, TRYING TO MAKE A

LIVING IN THIS BLOODBATH OF AN

ECONOMY, I SOMETIMES GO OUT FOR

COMMERCIALS, AND I HATE THEM.

I HATE THEM SO BAD, YOU KNOW, TO

BE A CORPORATE COCKSUCKER AND --

AND -- AND -- THEY EXIST IN THIS

WORLD OF, LIKE [Chuckling] "HEY,

HOW DID YOU GET THE SHIRT

FRESH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WITH ME IT JUST COMES OUT

SO PSYCHOTIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

IF THAT'S THE LINE, YOU KNOW, I

HAVE TO DO, IT'S LIKE -- YOU

KNOW, THEY BRING ME INTO THE

ROOM, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY,

EDDIE, JUST -- YOU KNOW, 'HOW'D

YOU GET THE SHIRT FRESH?'

THAT'S THE LINE."

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M ALWAYS

LIKE -- [ EXHALING SHARPLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

"HONEY! HONEY!

HONEY!

HONEY?!"

"NO, MR. PEPITONE, YOUR WIFE --

SHE IS THERE."

"ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN LEFT BEFORE.

THAT'S ALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT'S JUST -- I JUST -- I DON'T

TRUST WOMEN, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE

I'M NOT, YOU KNOW, GORGEOUS.

I HAVE GORGEOUS EYES, YES, BUT

I -- I LIKE QUINOA, A LOT OF

QUINOA, AND IT PUTS WEIGHT ON

ME.

BUT, ANYWAY, ALL RIGHT, SO, SHE

IS THERE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?"

"YES. SHE IS THERE.

WE JUST WANT TO GET TO, YOU

KNOW, JUST, 'WHY IS THE SHIRT SO

FRESH?'

YOU KNOW?"

"HONEY."

[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS THE SHIRT, BY THE WAY.

[ Chuckling ] "HOW DID YOU --

HOW DID YOU GET -- HOW DID YOU

GET THE SHIRT SO FRESH?

I MEAN, ONE OUT OF SIX PEOPLE

ARE UNEMPLOYED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DID YOU KNOW THAT TWO OUT OF

EIGHT PEOPLE, WHICH IS REALLY

ONE OUT OF FOUR, ARE ON FOOD

STAMPS?

YET YOU GOT THE SHIRT FRESH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOW DID YOU DO IT, BABY?

SWEETIE, HOW'D YOU GET THE SHIRT

FRESH WHEN YOUR AUNT JUST TOOK

HER OWN LIFE IN OUR BACKYARD?

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

YOUR FUCKING AUNT, WHO YOU

INVITE OVER.

I DIDN'T WANT HER OVER.

I KNOW EVIE IS CRAZY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YET YOU WANT HER OVER.

HOW DID YOU GET IT FRESH SO

QUICK ON THE HEELS OF EVIE'S

DEATH?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

AWW, THANKS. THANK YOU.

>> THEY LOVED YOU VERY MUCH.

>> AWW, THAT'S SO NICE.

>> IT WAS GOOD.

>> [ SIGHS ]

GOTHAM IS A HUGE PLACE, AND I'M

GONNA HAVE, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF

FRIENDS THERE, AND MY DAD, YOU

KNOW, HOPEFULLY WILL COME.

AND IT'S BIG.

I MEAN, IT'S SCARY BECAUSE GOING

HOME AND PERFORMING -- YOU KNOW,

YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD.

I WANT TO LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY WANT TO LOOK

GOOD TO PEOPLE.

YEAH, I SNIPPED THIS WITH A

SCISSOR.

[ HORN HONKING ]

I LIKE TO GIVE PEOPLE SHIT THAT

DO DICK MOVES.

[ VACUUM WHIRRING ]

[ WHIRRING STOPS ]

OH, SHIT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO FAX.

TWO STEPS AWAY. GOD DAMN IT.

I HAVE TO SCAN A HEADSHOT.

AND I'M OVERWHELMED!

HOW DO YOU SCAN A HEADSHOT WHEN

YOU'RE OVERWHELMED, HUH?

IT'S VERY...

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

[ Imitating crying ] OH, NO.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKED UP.

THIS IS THE BAD PART OF BEING

OVERWHELMED.

LOOK AT THIS.

I LOOK LIKE A MALE MODEL IN

THIS.

NOTHING IS FURTHER FROM THE

TRUTH.

[ WHIMPERING ]

I SHOULD HAVE NEW ONES, I THINK.

THIS WAS DONE AWHILE AGO.

HERE'S THE LAST THING I

SCANNED -- MY PASSPORT.

I'M ON A LIST!

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

I HAVE A TICKET.

WHAT THE FUCK?

BECAUSE I PARKED A LITTLE INTO

THE FUCKING DRIVEWAY?

WHAT THE FUCK?

OH, I -- OH, I PARKED IN A

CROSSWALK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T SEE THE

CROSSWALK.

OH, MY FUCKING GOD.

I GOT TO PAY THIS RIGHT AWAY

'CAUSE IT'S KAREN'S.

IT'S KAREN'S CAR, AND SHE WILL

FREAK OUT IF I DON'T PAY THIS

RIGHT AWAY.

SO, I GOT TO PAY IT RIGHT AWAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M COMPLETELY SOBER NOW.

I AM REALLY SOBER.

I TELL EVERYBODY I JUST WANT TO

BE CONSCIOUS FOR THE HORROR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, THAT'S WHAT SOBRIETY --

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

IT'S LIKE, "NO, I DON'T DRINK."

IT IS. IT'S A TRIP.

IT'S LIKE, "I DON'T DRINK

ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE NUMB FOR ALL

OF THIS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I JUST -- OH, I WAKE UP, AND I

LOOK AT THE FU-- I WAKE UP, AND

I USUALLY WAKE UP AT ABOUT 10:00

AT NIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

EDDIE WHEN HE WAS DRINKING AND

WHEN HE WAS SMOKING.

THAT WAS A WILD MAN.

BUT SINCE HE'S GOTTEN SOBER, I

THINK HE'S MATURED IN MANY

DIFFERENT WAYS, AND THAT

MATURITY BECOMES MORE A PART OF

HIS ACT.

YOU KNOW, HIS SPIRITUAL SEARCH

AND HIS POLITICAL MIND HAVE

REALLY MATURED SINCE THE EARLY

DAYS WHEN, YOU KNOW, HE WAS A

BALL OF CHAOS."

>> UH-HUH.

>> TRY THIS.

TRY GOING THROUGH A DAY WITHOUT

JUDGING.

IT'LL PUT YOU IN THE MOMENT.

DO NOT JUDGE -- THAT'S ONE.

DO NOT RESIST.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF YOU'RE

FEELING SOMETHING, DON'T...

>> RIGHT.

>> JUST LET IT.

>> DO NOT JUDGE, DO NOT RESIST,

AND DO NOT SOMETHING.

DO NOT -- NO, THERE'S THREE

THINGS YOU DON'T DO.

DO NOT JUDGE.

>> DO NOT RESIST.

>> DO NOT RESIST.

MMM.

AND WHEN I THINK OF THE OTHER

ONE, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I'LL NEVER FORGET GOING IN

AN A.A. MEETING, HEARING SOME

GUY, A BEAUTIFUL SHARE, AND THEN

HE WANTED TO KILL ME AFTER THE

MEETING WHEN I WAS IN MY CAR AND

HE CUT -- AND HE WANTED -- AND I

WAS LIKE, "THAT'S THE GUY."

I GO, "THAT'S THE FUCKING GUY

WHO JUST SAID THAT BEAUTIFUL

SHARE ABOUT UNIVERSAL LOVE?"

AND THEN I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS BULLSHIT."

>> LOOK, WE'RE ALL EQUALLY FULL

OF SHIT.

>> THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TO

SHARE, BY THE WAY.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE TO SHARE ABOUT

WHAT?

>> IN THE MEETINGS.

>> OH, YOU SHOULD SHARE.

YOU NEED TO SHARE.

>> YOU TELL ME THAT.

>> YOU'LL NEVER GET BETTER

WITHOUT SHARING.

YOU GOT TO GET YOUR SHIT OUT,

TOO.

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR SHIT OUT,

YOU WON'T GET BETTER.

>> THERE ARE THINGS IN

EVERYBODY'S LIFE, I THINK, THAT

ARE TOO PAINFUL TO TALK ABOUT,

I THINK.

THE STUFF THAT WENT ON IN MY

FAMILY WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG

I'M STILL DEALING WITH IN

THERAPY NOW, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

BECAUSE IT WAS SO FRIGHTENING.

I'LL NEVER FORGET -- YOU KNOW,

MY MOM WAS JUST CHECKED OUT A

LOT OF THE TIME BECAUSE OF THE

DEPRESSION, AND I'M STILL -- AND

NOW I'M IN THERAPY, AND I'M

DEALING WITH HOW ANGRY I AM.

>> THAT SHE WASN'T THERE.

>> YES.

>> THAT HER BODY WAS THERE

AND...

>> YES.

I'M STILL FUCKING FURIOUS OVER

THIS.

AND IT'S THE REASON I'M A

COMEDIAN.

>> MM-HMM.

>> BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL

WITH THAT IS EITHER TO KILL

YOURSELF, YOU KNOW, HAVE A

VERY --

>> OR GET A TIGHT 10 TOGETHER

AND TAKE IT ON THE ROAD.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I'VE SCREAMED ONSTAGE FOR THE

PAST LIKE 30 YEARS, JUST

SCREAMING.

I'M TRYING TO FIGHT SOMETHING,

AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.

IT'S HARD FOR ME TO CONNECT WITH

ANYONE, BUT, YOU KNOW, THROUGH

COMEDY I'VE BUILT A LIFE.

YOU KNOW?

THROUGH COMEDY, I'VE BUILT A

LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S THOSE MOMENTS

THAT HE IS AT HIS MOST ZEN.

EVEN THOUGH HE'S RAGING, THAT IS

WHERE -- THAT IS WHERE HIS PEACE

IS.

>> AND DON'T YOU LOVE IT WHEN

YOU HEAR, LIKE, "OH, CHRIST, WE

GOT TO SHUT DOWN 30 STARBUCKS."

THAT MEANS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A

COUPLE OF BLOCKS WORTH, YOU

KNOW?

IT'S LIKE -- [ LAUGHS ]

I LOVE DOING MATERIAL LIKE THAT,

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE'S A

LOT OF STARBUCKS, YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT,

HE FINALLY HIT A NERVE WITH ME,

AL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HE FINALLY HIT A NERVE WITH

ME!"

AND YOU GUYS WILL BE DRIVING

HOME, GOING, "YOU KNOW, IT WAS A

LITTLE CRAZY, THAT SET, BUT

JESUS CHRIST IF HE DIDN'T TALK

ABOUT THE STARBUCKS BEING REALLY

A LOT OF THEM, HUH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT WAS A GREAT LITTLE -- IT

WAS JUST A GREAT OBSERVATION BY

THAT KID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT WAS THE KID'S NAME?

THE KID IN THE LIGHTS!

THE KID IN THE LIGHTS!"

AND LIKE NOBODY'S WITH HIM IN

THE CAR.

"THE KID IN THE LIGHTS!

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO,

MARGARET?!"

LIKE, HIS WIFE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR

YEARS.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE KID IN

THE LIGHTS."

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

WHEN I WAS SOBER FOR SEVEN YEARS

BEFORE, I NEVER DID THE

MEDITATION PRACTICE.

BUT NOW I AM, AND IT DOES -- YOU

KNOW, I'VE GOTTEN -- I'VE GOTTEN

SOME RELIEF FROM, LIKE, YOU

KNOW, MY FUCKING DEMONIC,

CONSTANT THOUGHTS, YOU KNOW?

AND THAT'S MY THINKING, LIKE,

"HOW COME MTV DIDN'T CALL ME

BACK?

I BET "BOB'S BURGERS" ISN'T

GONNA USE ME AGAIN.

NICK SWARDSON'S SHOW DIDN'T CALL

ME BACK."

LIKE, LIKE, I'M ALWAYS THINKING

THIS SAME SHIT.

WHEN I DO GET OUT OF MY HEAD

JUST FOR A SECOND, IT FEELS

REALLY GOOD.

IT FEELS BIG AND VAST.

BUT IT'S SO HARD TO STOP

WORRYING, TO STOP CARING.

YOU ARE LIFE.

JUST LET GO OF CARING ABOUT

THINGS.

IT'S HARD TO DO.

>> I WANT HIM TO FIND THAT INNER

SOLITUDE.

YOU KNOW, IT TOOK AWHILE TO FIND

THE TITAN DOWN THERE, A FEW

MILES DEEP, BUT THERE'S

POSSIBILITY HE'LL FIND IT.

>> SO, YOU REALLY LISTEN TO

ECKHART TOLLE BEFORE --

>> I DO.

>> ME TOO, MAN!

>> YOU DO?

>> YES.

>> WHAT DO YOU TH-- I FUCKING

REALLY HAVE GOTTEN INTO HIM FOR

A LONG TIME NOW.

>> ...LACKING COMPLETELY IN

DEPTHS.

SO, NONE CAN BRING IN DEPTHS,

EVEN INTO YOUR PERCEPTIONS OF

THINGS.

>> THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

>> PERCEPTION...

>> AND SOMETIMES IT REALLY

FUCKING SPEAKS TO ME, AND OTHER

TIMES I DON'T EVEN -- I DON'T

EVEN -- I DON'T EVEN GET

ANYTHING.

I CALL BULLSHIT!

>> ...FAR REMOVED.

IT'S AN ABSTRACT -- FOR MANY

PEOPLE, TO BECOME PRESENT, WHEN

THEY REALIZE, "OH..."

>> YEAH, TELL MY WIFE TO BECOME

PRESENT, LIKE THE GUY WHO JUST

YELLS AT THE ECKHART TOLLE

SELF-HELP CD.

>> HE JUST TOLD ME TONIGHT HE

WENT OFF HIS MEDS.

I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

AND I CAN HEAR A DIFFERENCE.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME ANGRY

EDDIE, WHICH I LOVE.

BUT THERE'S A HINT OF IRRATIONAL

THINKING THAT IS KIND OF

SHOCKING TO ME.

>> I WAS LIKE -- I WAS LAYING

THERE TODAY, YOU KNOW, IN THAT

BALL, JUST KIND OF BREATHING.

AND I WAS FINE.

ACTUALLY, I ONLY HAD TO KIND OF

DO THAT FOR AN HOUR.

AND THEN I WAS COOL.

AND THIS IS NOT TO BRAG THAT I

HAVE THIS KIND OF LIFESTYLE

WHERE I CURL UP INTO A BALL AND

THEN CAN VACUUM AND CHANGE

LITTER.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

BY THE WAY, I THINK WE SHOULD

HAVE OPEN-AIR PHARMACIES ON THE

WEEKENDS INSTEAD OF FARMER'S

MARKETS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

INSTEAD OF FRESH VEGETABLES,

LIKE FRESH, YOU KNOW -- FRESH

WELLBUTRIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"FRESH WELLBUTRIN!"

THEY SHOULD HAVE THAT AT GAMES

NOW.

"WELLBUTRIN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS SOCIETY IS JUST LOSING

THEIR SHIT.

"WELLBUTRIN!

LEXAPRO!

LEXAPRO!

LOOK AT THAT, TWO LEXAPRO!

TWO LEXAPRO!"

"MARGARET, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELLBUTRIN!"

BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT

IS THAT I CAN ONLY THINK OF ONE

NAME FOR A WOMAN.

IT'S MARGARET.

AND I'VE TALKED TO A LOT OF MY

FRIENDS ABOUT IT, AND THEY JUST

SAY THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY

WRONG WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ME, I'M FIRMLY GROUNDED TO

REALITY.

I'M TETHERED.

I'M TETHERED BY ALL KINDS OF

THINGS -- CATS, KAREN, YOU KNOW,

12-STEP PRO-- I'M SO TETHERED TO

REALITY, YOU KNOW?

WHAT WAS THAT?

>> YEAH, WELL, I LOCK IN ON A

FEW.

>> YOU DO LOCK IN.

>> I'VE GOTTEN VERY LAZY BECAUSE

OF YOUPORN.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN ENGAGE MY

FANTASIES...

>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I STAY AWAY FROM -- AGAIN, YOU

KNOW, I HATE TO KEEP HITTING THE

ADDICTION NOTE, BUT I STAY AWAY

FROM PORNOGRAPHY NOW BECAUSE I

JUST THINK THAT IF I GO TO IT

BECAUSE IT'S FREE -- LIKE

YOUPORN AND REDTUBE, WHATEVER

THE FUCK -- I WOULD JUST GO TO

IT ALL THE TIME.

AND I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WITHDRAW

FROM THAT CRAP, SO I JUST DON'T

DO IT.

I DON'T DO IT AT ALL.

>> MAYBE I SHOULD PROBABLY PULL

OUT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> PULL AWAY.

>> I ALSO FIND IT VERY

FRUSTRATING BECAUSE WHEN I DO

DO THE FREE PORN THING, THEY

GIVE YOU SO MANY FUCKING

CHOICES -- NO PUN INTENDED

[LAUGHS] -- THEY GIVE YOU SO

MANY FUCKING CHOICES.

AND I'M NEVER SATISFIED.

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO FIND THE

RIGHT SWEET OR THE RIGHT DRUG.

>> IT'S SORT OF HUMILIATING TO

SIT THERE GOING, "NOPE, NOPE,

NOPE."

>> "NO, NO, NO, YES."

AND THEN YOU CLICK ON THE ONE

THAT YOU SAID "YES," AND AFTER

TWO SECONDS, YOU'RE LIKE, "NO,

NO, THIS IS NOT WHAT I -- I

WANTED HER TIED DOWN AND I

WANTED IT TO BE A FRENZY AND

IT'S NOT A FRENZY."

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, EACH TO THEIR

OWN.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

NOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME FEEL

LIKE I'M WEIRD, RIGHT?

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT WEIRD.

>> NO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

>> LET'S FIND YOU SOME COFFEE.

>> I NEED COFFEE, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO BE

VEGAN AND --

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS

ELICITING LAUGHTER.

>> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING

SUCH A STRUGGLE WITH IT.

>> 'CAUSE YOU HAD A CREAM CHEESE

BAGEL AND A COFFEE WITH CREAM IN

IT LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

>> IT'S IN YOUR STOMACH RIGHT

NOW.

>> YOU ARE NOT TRYING VERY HARD,

MY FRIEND.

>> BECAUSE I HAD CREAM CHEESE

AND SOME CREAM?

>> THAT'S NOT VEGAN.

>> YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

* HE'S THE VEGAN WHO'S NOT A

VEGAN *

* HE TALKS ABOUT BEING A VEGAN

* BUT HE'S NOT

THAT'S THE NEW SITCOM "THE VEGAN

WHO'S NOT A VEGAN."

IT'S AN ANIMATED THING.

LIKE, EVERYTHING GETS ANIMATED

THESE DAYS.

* THE VEGAN WHO'S NOT --

YOU SEE, THIS IS WHAT CONROY

POINTS OUT WITH ME, IS THAT I

TALK ABOUT DOING ALL THESE

THINGS, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF

HOLES IN THEM.

EVEN THOUGH I REALLY -- I HAVE

GIVEN UP MEAT.

YOU KNOW, I HAD A COUPLE BURGERS

THE OTHER DAY, BUT OTHER THAN

THAT, YOU KNOW...

>> AS HE ALWAYS SAYS -- HE'S

LIKE, "I'M A MAN AT WAR WITH

MYSELF."

AND IT'S REALLY TRUE.

IT'S BECAUSE -- AND IT IS

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T THINK ABOUT

WHAT HE'S SAYING EVER.

IT'S HIS GIFT ONSTAGE.

BUT IN REAL LIFE, THAT CAN MAKE

THINGS DIFFICULT SOMETIMES.

>> OH.

>> [ SMOOCHING ]

I THINK HE -- I THINK HE LEFT.

FEELING THE LITTLE TWINGES IN MY

LEGS.

THIS IS A GOOD VIEW.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S SO FUNNY THAT I THINK I'M

IN SHAPE.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, WE DO HAVE SOME CELEBRITIES

HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW.

WE'RE IN THE HEART OF HOLLYWOOD.

AND DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE

FITNESS GURU JACK LaLANNE?

>> YES.

>> HIS BROTHER'S HERE --

ALAN LaLANNE.

ALAN, WILL YOU STAND UP AND TAKE

A BOW?

ALAN LaLANNE, EVERYBODY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

ALAN LaLANNE!

THE FITNESS GURU'S BROTHER!

AND HE WAS THE FUCKING BRAINS

BEHIND JACK, OKAY?

THAT MAN WHO JUST STOOD UP LIVED

IN OBSCURITY!

HE TOLD JACK, "WORK OUT!

WORK OUT AND FUCKING MARKET IT!"

AND ALAN NEVER GOT ANY CREDIT.

AND ALAN CAME UP TO ME, AND HE

SAID, "PLEASE INTRODUCE ME

TONIGHT.

MY BROTHER IS FINALLY DEAD, THAT

COCKSUCKER, WITH THE FLAT

STOMACH.

I DON'T HAVE A FLAT STOMACH

BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO LIVE A

PLEASURABLE LIFE!"

MY FUCKING HEART.

OHH.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I GOT TO GET THIS -- I GOT TO

GET STUFF CLEARED OUT.

YOU EVER HEAR OF THAT PROCEDURE

CALLED ANGIOPLASTY?

SO, MY DOCTOR TOLD ME, "YOU

DON'T HAVE SCIATICA.

YOU HAVE ARTHRITIS."

SO, THAT'S A DRAG, THAT --

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> NO, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD

BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE -- I

NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ONE OF

THESE PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE

ARTHRITIS.

>> YOU MEAN A PERSON WHO'S

OLDER?

>> YES. EXACTLY.

LIKE, THAT'S REALLY HITTING ME

LATELY.

LIKE, I'M SO YOUNG AT HEART.

CONROY WANTS TO SHOOT FUCKING

GUNS.

AND I HAVE NEVER SHOT A GUN.

WHAT I'M THINKING IS THAT MAYBE

I'LL DISCOVER THAT, YOU KNOW, I

HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR GUNS AND

THAT MAYBE GUNS ARE THE WAY TO

GO FOR ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> * DON'T MURDER ME

* I BEG OF YOU, DON'T MURDER

ME *

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> NEVER SHOT A GUN BEFORE.

YOU KNOW?

I'VE ONLY PUNCHED SOMEONE ONCE.

>> * DON'T MURDER ME

>> AND THAT WAS NOT IN ANGER,

CORRECT?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THAT WAS JUST, "HEY, HOW YOU

DOING?"

[ LAUGHS ]

NO. MY NEIGHBOR.

I HIT MY NEIGHBOR.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HOLD THE

GUN IN A CERTAIN POSITION THAT'S

SAFE.

HE DIDN'T DO THAT.

YOU EVER SEE THOSE CARTOONS --

>> I THOUGHT I DID.

>> YOU EVER SEE THOSE CARTOONS

WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE ALL LIKE,

"WHOA"?

THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS DOING.

>> WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

>> WAITED TOO LONG.

>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

>> I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE

PROPER WAY TO HOLD THE GUN.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> HE SAID UP OR DOWN.

>> YOU ARE HOLDING IT SIDEWAYS.

>> OH, AM I?

>> HOLD IT LIKE THIS.

THAT WAY, IF IT GOES OFF, YOU

KILL A WORM.

>> * I BEG OF YOU, DON'T MURDER

ME *

* PLEASE...

>> NICE!

GOT IT.

>> I HOPE YOU GOT THAT.

AND USE ONLY THAT ONE.

>> * I BEG OF YOU, DON'T MURDER

ME *

>> ALL RIGHT, RICK, THREE OUT OF

FIVE.

YOU TIED ME.

I'M LEARNING THIS SO I CAN

PROTECT MY FAMILY FROM HOME

INVASION.

>> * PLEASE DON'T MURDER ME

>> THEY CALL EDDIE THE BITTER

BUDDHA.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER THINGS THAT

PEOPLE COULD CALL HIM?

HOW ABOUT THE BITTER ASSHOLE?

>> CONFRONTATIONS WITH PEOPLE

NEVER END.

THEY NEVER END, ESPECIALLY WHEN

YOU'RE IN A HUGE CITY AND

THERE'S PEOPLE -- LIKE, I GET IN

THE CAR -- CONFRONTATION,

CONFRONTATION, CONFRONTATION.

LOOK AT THIS FUCK.

OH, YOU PRICK, WITH YOUR

GODDAMN -- I TAKE THESE GUYS

OUT, YOU KNOW?

MY DAD ALSO HAD, LIKE, SICILIAN,

OPERATIC ANGER, AS WELL, YOU

KNOW?

THEY'RE -- MY DAD LOVED OPERA.

>> WHAT WAS HIS KEY RANGE OF HIS

ANGER?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> COULD HE HIT A HIGH "C" IN

ANGER?

>> I COULD GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

"WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!"

IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HIS GODDAMN

KEYS.

THIS CORD IS ALWAYS TANGLED.

AND AN iPOD -- DO YOU GO TO A --

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ON

STAND-UP, HOW EVERY TIME I TAKE

OUT MY HEAD-- LIKE, TO TALK ON

MY PHONE OR ON MY iPOD CORD, I'M

ALWAYS GOING, "MOTHERFUCK--"

AND I CATCH MYSELF BEING JUST

LIKE MY DAD.

>> LIKE IN WHAT WAY?

>> I'LL BE LIKE, "HONEY, WHERE'S

MY GLASSES?"

LIKE, "WHERE -- DID YOU SEE MY

KEYS?"

I AM LOOKING FOR THE SAME THINGS

THAT MY DAD DID.

AND ALSO MY TEMPER, TOO,

SOMETIMES, IS LIKE -- I HAVE

FLASH ANGER.

YOU KNOW, I POUNDED ON MY

NEIGHBOR'S DOOR BECAUSE SHE

SLAMMED HER DOOR IN ANGER AT

SOMEONE.

THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF

HER.

AND NOW I'M IN TROUBLE WITH THE

BUILDING.

I HATE THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE.

IT'S LIKE TRAILER-PARK TRASH.

I THINK BECAUSE MY MOM WASN'T

THERE AS ANY KIND OF, YOU KNOW,

DISCIPLINE, THAT MY DAD GOT VERY

DISCIPLINED WITH ME.

SO THEN I WAS VERY REBELLIOUS TO

THE DISCIPLINE.

I FELT LIKE IT WAS TOO MUCH.

AND THEN I JUST WAS ENRAGED, AND

I THINK I'VE NEVER LOST THAT

RAGE.

HE NEVER GOES INTO MANHATTAN.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY THE FUCK --"

I MEAN, MANHATTAN IS THE LITTLE

JEWEL OF NEW YORK CI-- IT'S

WHERE CULTURE IS.

IT'S WHERE -- MY DAD IS A BIG

OPERA LOVER, A BIG

CLASSICAL-MUSIC LOVER.

AND HE WILL NOT -- HE STAYS ON

STATEN ISLAND, WHERE PEOPLE JUST

BEAT EACH OTHER WITH BASEBALL

BATS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY -- I MEAN, AND I'M SAYING

THIS METAPHORICALLY.

THEY -- THEY BEAT EACH OTHER

WITH BASEBALL BATS AND JUST TALK

ABOUT THEIR CARS, AND THERE'S NO

LITERATURE DISCUSSED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S JUST ALL LIKE, "HEY, BO--"

LIKE, THIS IS A TYPICAL

CONVERSATION IN STATEN --

"BOB, JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY

FROM THE LAWN!

AND THAT'S IT.

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

SO ADDICTIVE, THE COMPUTER, YOU

KNOW?

SO ADDICTIVE BECAUSE OF THE

APPROVAL THING, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

"OH, THIS PERSON LIKES WHAT I --

OH, THEY THINK I'M FUNNY, MAN."

SO, I TWEETED "KEEP WORKING OUT

IN THE GYMS, EVERYBODY.

YOU NEED TO BE IN SHAPE BECAUSE

THE RIOTS ARE COMING.

REST IN PEACE, USA."

>> IS HE PROGRESSIVE WITH HIS

POLITICS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK OF HIM AS A TRULY

POLITICAL PERSON.

PEOPLE WHO ARE PROGRESSIVE IN

THEIR POLITICS ACTUALLY DO

STUFF.

I WOULD BE SHOCKED IF HE EVEN

VOTED.

>> IF VIOLENCE HAPPENS, THEN ALL

THESE IDIOTS ARE GONNA ATTACK

ME, SAYING, "YOU SEE?

YOU WANTED THIS?"

BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT

VIOLENCE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I HAVE ANY POWER.

THAT IS FUNNY.

BUT THESE TWITTER IDIOTS WILL BE

LIKE, "LOOK AT PEOPLE LIKE YOU."

>> TO ME, LIKE, MY DRIVE-BY

IMPRESSION OF EDDIE IS THAT HE'S

THE EVERYMAN WHO'S BEEN PUT UPON

AND BEATEN DOWN AND CAN'T FIGURE

OUT HOW TO GET OUT OF THAT

POSITION.

AND THAT IN AND OF ITSELF IS

POLITICAL.

>> THERE'S THIS REALLY BRILLIANT

FRIEND OF MINE WHO SAYS THAT I

SHOULD BRAND MYSELF.

LIKE, SHE'S REALLY GOOD AT --

SHE SAYS I SHOULD DO THE "REST

IN PEACE, USA" TOUR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M A LOT LIKE SEABISCUIT,

LIKE --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM.

I FEEL LIKE I GIVE A DEPRESSED

NATION HOPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE -- NO, WE ARE A DEPRESSED

NATION.

THIS IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE

COUNTRY AT THIS POINT.

WE HAVE NO MORE -- ALL THE JO--

THE CORPORATIONS HAVE RAPED THIS

PLACE, AND NOBODY REALLY KNOWS

ABOUT IT.

THEY JUST, "AH, YEAH.

AH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

THAT'S THE ATTITUDE, I THINK,

ESPECIALLY IN LOS ANGELES.

"EH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S PILOT SEASON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M UP FOR..."

LIKE, PEOPLE IN L.A. -- YOU

KNOW, IN MY HEAD, PEOPLE IN L.A.

ARE JUST IN COFFEE SHOPS GOING,

"FUCK!

I COULD HAVE BEEN A RECURRING ON

'BONES.'

GOD DAMN IT!

WHY DID I HAVE TO SMOKE SEVEN OR

EIGHT JOINTS AND HAVE WINE

COOLERS THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT

AUDITION?

GOD DAMN IT.

WHO KNEW 'BONES' WAS GONNA FLY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M TRYING TO GET SHIT TOGETHER

AT 52.

LIKE, I'M AMAZED AT THE PEOPLE

WHO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AT A

YOUNG AGE.

FOR ME, I'M JUST GETTING MY SHIT

TOGETHER NOW.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

HE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, HE SHOULD REALLY

PROBABLY MENTION THAT ONSTAGE

EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, THAT HE

HASN'T GOTTEN HIS BREAK AND THAT

HE'S ANGRY THAT HE HASN'T GOTTEN

HIS BREAK AND HE'S ANGRY FOR

WHAT HE PERCEIVES AS THE REASONS

FOR THAT HE HASN'T GOTTEN HIS

BREAK.

I THINK YOU SHOULD REALLY MAYBE

MENTION TO ME THAT HE SHOULD

TALK ABOUT THAT PUBLICLY.

>> WHAT IS THIS SHIT ABOUT --

WHAT IS THIS DEMOGRAPHIC SHIT?

WHY NOT JUST DO QUALITY, PERIOD,

AND LET PEOPLE COME TO YOU, YOU

KNOW?

"LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY OF

THE INVERTED PENIS AND THIRD

TESTICLE, OKAY?"

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> "IT WAS WITH THIS INVERTED

PENIS THAT I WAS BEATEN DAILY IN

THE BOYS LOCKER ROOM.

AND THIS THIRD TESTICLE WAS THE

ONE THAT SCARES OFF EVEN THE

MOST DESPERATE TRANNY METH

WHORE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND THIS THIRD TESTICLE IS THE

ONE THAT SCARED --" [ CHUCKLES ]

HE'S GONNA MAKE ME LAUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ALL EDDIE DOES IS SHOW UP,

READ MY BRILLIANT LINES, AND

THEN I GIVE HIM A DOUGHNUT AND I

GIVE HIM WHAT LITTLE PUDDING WE

HAVE LEFT AND I SAY, "GET THE

FUCK OUT OF HERE."

AND THEN I GO HOME AND EDIT IT

AND I PUT IT ON YouTube AND I

GET ALL THE GLORY.

HE GETS NOTHING, NOTHING FROM

THIS, OKAY?

>> THEN I TURN AROUND LIKE THIS.

>> YEAH, YOU BEND OVER.

>> LOOKS LIKE A TRANNY METH

WHORE GAVE ME ANAL WARTS, BUT,

NO, IT WAS MY OWN FAULT FOR

WEARING THAT THONG I FOUND IN A

DUMPSTER BEHIND CARL'S JR.'s.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY,

CARL'S JULIUS?

>> JR.'s.

>> CARL'S JR.

>> "I'M JUST GONNA SIT DOWN."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

AND THEN YOU SIT DOWN AND START

SOBBING.

>> [ IMITATING CRYING ]

>> IN "PUDDIN," THE

RESTRICTION -- IT CAN BE HOWEVER

LONG THEY WANT IT TO BE, BUT THE

CAMERA CAN NEVER MOVE.

AND IT JUST SHOWS YOU EDDIE, IN

HIMSELF, IS THIS -- IN AN

IMMOBILE SITUATION LIKE THAT,

EDDIE IS JUST THIS RAGING

CONTINENT THAT JUST KIND OF --

IT'S LIKE CONTINENTAL DRIFT IN

FAST MOTION, JUST COMING IN.

YOU SEE ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENING

JUST IN THIS ONE MAN.

>> [ WHIMPERING ] LOOK!

RYAN GOSLING'S FAVORITE BRUNCH

SPOTS WHEN HE VISITS MANHATTAN.

OOH.

"PEACOCK ALLEY FOR GREAT BLOODY

MARYS, POTATO WAFFLES AT

SARABETH'S, PANCAKES AT THE

ESSEX WORLD CAFE ACROSS FROM THE

WORLD TRADE CENTER...MEMORIAL?"

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED DOWN

THERE?

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ GRUNTS ] OKAY.

>> YOU NEED A SHOWER?

>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

>> [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

I KNOW THE SHOWER...

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST DOING A WALKTHROUGH.

>> AWESOME. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> HEY-Y-Y-Y!

[ ALL SHOUTING "HA!" ]

>> EVERYBODY AT SOME POINT IN

THEIR LIFE FEELS LIKE THEY

HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THEIR JUST

DESSERTS, THEY HAVEN'T BEEN

TREATED FAIRLY.

AND I THINK THAT EDDIE, YOU

KNOW, IS THE ID THAT YOU HAVE.

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY, I THINK,

WANTS TO SHOUT, WANTS TO RAIL

AGAINST THE OCEAN IN THAT

REGARD, BUT THEY'RE PREVENTED TO

BY SOCIAL MORES.

>> GOD, SEEING THE

WHITNEY CUMMINGS BILLBOARDS IS

REALLY FUCKING DEPRESSING.

IT JUST MAKES YOU THINK THE

NETWORK PEOPLE ARE JUST REAL

FUCKING MORONS, YOU KNOW, REAL

FUCKING MORONS.

YEAH, IT JUST MAKES YOUR -- YOU

KNOW, IT JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO

QUIT.

>> HE GOES AFTER EVERYONE

BECAUSE THERE'S STUFF THAT

LEGITIMATELY MAKES HIM ANGRY,

EVEN IF HE LIKES THE PERSON.

THERE'S STUFF THAT PEOPLE DO,

WHERE HE'S LIKE, "COME ON!"

YOU KNOW?

AND THERE'S A MUCH BIGGER META

JOKE, I THINK, GOING ON WITH

EDDIE THAT PEOPLE THAT ARE

INTELLIGENT CAN DEFINITELY SEE

THAT, IN THAT HE RAILS AGAINST

THINGS THAT HE WOULD WORK IN

IN A SECOND.

>> TELEVISION VALIDATES PEOPLE,

WHICH IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE NOW

WHAT I'VE REALIZED IS

TELEVISION -- IF YOU'RE ON

TELEVISION ON A REGULAR BASIS,

YOU'RE PROBABLY A HORRIBLE COMIC

OR MEDIOCRE.

SEE, THAT'S BULLSHIT, BUT IT'S

PARTLY TRUE.

>> YEAH, EDDIE IS PRETTY BITTER

ABOUT WHERE HE IS IN HIS CAREER,

BUT I THINK, YOU KNOW...

I THINK EDDIE HAS DONE THE BEST

HE POSSIBLY COULD WITH WHAT HE'S

BEEN GIVEN.

>> I USED TO BE ONE OF THOSE

NEW YORK THEATER ACTORS.

"OH, I'M GONNA DO

'THE WOOLGATHERER' AND

'KEY EXCHANGE' AND FUCKING

JOHN GUARE,

'HOUSE OF BLUE LEAVES.'"

SUCK MY COCK, NEW YORK ACTORS!

YOU FUCKING TRY TO COME TO THIS

TOWN AND GET A SMALL PART IN

"TRANSFORMERS 3," WHICH I TRIED

TO DO LAST WEEK.

AND THEY SAID, "OH, YOU'RE AN

EFFEMINATE MANSERVANT," AND THEN

AT THE LAST MINUTE THEY GO, "OH,

AND DO IT WITH A GERMAN ACCENT."

FUCK YOU!

I DON'T NEED THAT.

>> DID YOU TRY?

>> I TRIED.

IT CAME OUT FRENCH, AND THEY

LAUGHED AT ME!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY LAUGHED AT ME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT?

I WALK WITH MY HEAD HELD LOW NO

MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

MY HEAD IS HELD LOW NO MATTER

WHAT HAPPENS.

>> 'CAUSE I DO A LOT OF WORK

WITH HIM WHERE, YOU KNOW, I SET

HIM UP AND THEN HE GOES AND THEN

WE HAVE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.

LIKE, IT'S ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO BE

A CONVERSATION, BUT I SAY,

"EDDIE, HOW IS TODAY?"

"TODAY?

TODAY WAS LIKE NO OTHER DAY,

MARC.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING..."

AND THEN YOU'RE GOING.

>> YOU KNOW, I'M JUST LIKE,

"FRANK HAS NO HUMANITY.

HE'S JUST THIS PRETTY-BOY FUCK

WHO LOOKS AT THE CAMERA WITH ALL

THE OTHER PRETTY-BOY FUCKS IN

THIS PRETTY-BOY FUCKING TOWN.

AND I GOT TO FUCKING CLAW MY WAY

FOR A 2-LINE AUDITION FOR

'HAPPY ENDINGS.'

ANYWAY...

>> THAT'S HOW YOU WORK OUT?

>> THAT'S HOW I WORK OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE WATCHING AL-JAZEERA NOW

JUST TO FREAK OUT MY NEIGHBORS.

LIKE, I TURN IT UP REALLY LOUD

SO THEY CAN HEAR, "AL-JAZEERA."

AND I'M LIKE, "THAT'S RIGHT!"

LIKE, I YELL THAT INTO THE

COURTYARD.

>> YEAH.

>> "THAT'S RIGHT!

AL-JAZEERA'S BEING PLAYED IN

210!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO.

>> I LIKE THIS WHOLE -- THE

WHOLE YELLING-GUY THING.

YOU'RE THE YELLING GUY.

>> YOU'RE AN EXEC NOW.

YOU'RE GETTING MORE POPULAR, SO

YOU'RE LIKE, "AH, PITCH ME."

>> YEAH, SHIT ON ME.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

TAKE A SHIT ON ME. THAT'S RIGHT.

>> MARC HAD TO CUT ME OFF

TONIGHT, LIKE --

>> I KNOW.

>> USUALLY HE LETS ME GO ON.

>> I WAS IN THE WINGS, AND I SAW

YOUR FACE, THE DOWNCAST -- OH!

AND OF COURSE ALL HOSTS OF SHOWS

LOVE WHEN YOU GO, "OH, I CAN'T

GO LONGER?"

>> OH, THAT WAS BAD.

THAT WAS BAD.

>> HE WAS STEAMING BACKSTAGE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

HE WAS STEAMING.

HE SAYS, "NO MORE PEPITONE."

WOW.

>> IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T STOP.

LIKE, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT

HAPPEN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, MAN. SEE YOU SOON.

>> IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT --

>> WE -- I WANT TO DO "THE

SUNSHINE BOYS" OR "THE

ODD COUPLE."

>> THAT WAS MY IDEA.

YOU JUST TOOK -- I JUST SAW YOU

TAKE THIS -- IT WAS MY -- I SAW

WHAT YOU JUST DID.

YOU SEE WHAT YOU JUST DID?

YOU JUST SAID, LIKE, "I WANT TO

DO THIS," LIKE YOU CAME UP WITH

IT.

>> I -- YEAH.

HE'S RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

CIGAR.

>> OH, CIGAR. NICE.

HEY, BUDDY.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT, BUDDY?

>> I'M FEELING GOOD.

>> HUH?

>> I LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK.

I LIKE THE HAT.

>> YEAH?

>> YEAH.

AND A CIGAR.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

>> WHAT ABOUT IT?

WELL, I LIKE TO SMOKE CIGARS

WITH YOU.

>> I KNOW YOU DO.

WE SMOKE TOGETHER.

IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM YOU'RE

HANGING ONTO SOME DREAM THAT

YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> NICE TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> RIGHT, EDDIE?

EVERYTHING TURNING AROUND?

>> THINGS ARE GOING GOOD FOR ME.

>> YEAH?

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

>> WHY AM I CRYING?

>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS.

>> HI.

>> THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

>> DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM, EDDIE?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO START

OUT THIS WAY.

>> [ LAUGHS ] NO, NOT AT ALL.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> YOU KNOW, THIS CRAP WITH THE

GUYS FOLLOWING YOU AROUND, THE

CAMERAS -- IT'S REALLY DOING

SOMETHING TO YOUR PERSONALITY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU NOTICE?

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> IT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> NO, IT HASN'T, I DON'T THINK,

AT ALL.

>> HOW ARE THEY GONNA GET A REAL

DOCUMENTARY IF YOU CAN'T BE

HONEST WHEN A CAMERA IS ON YOU?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, IT'S ALL A

SITCOM PART?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> YOU THINK THIS IS ALL A BIT

PART?

THIS IS GONNA BE LIKE 30 OR 40

BIT PARTS OF YOU IN A SITCOM OF

YOUR LIFE, AND PEOPLE ARE GONNA

SAY, "WHERE'S EDDIE?"

>> YOU WANT ME IN TEARS?

>> THAT WAS DEFINITELY A STAGE

YAWN.

>> BECAUSE I WILL NOT CRY IN

THIS DOCUMENTARY.

>> YOU DON'T CRY.

YOU'RE CRYING ALL THE TIME.

I MEAN --

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M CRYING

ALL THE TIME?

>> IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S WHAT THE DOCUMENTARY'S

ABOUT -- EDDIE IS CRYING ALL THE

TIME, NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES.

AND NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO

MAKE -- PUT A SCRIM IN BETWEEN

YOUR CRYING --

>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ANGRY AT

ME FOR SOMETHING, AND I DON'T

KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT, YOU

KNOW --

>> I'M NOT ANGRY AT YOU.

I JUST MISS THE REAL EDDIE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WE ALL DO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

>> DOING STAND-UP CAN BE SO

HUMBLING IN THAT SENSE THAT WHEN

YOU BOMB, YOU JUST FEEL LIKE A

RANK AMATEUR, LIKE -- THE

FEELING IS, LIKE, YOU'RE JUST

LIKE A RANK AMATEUR AGAIN, NO

MATTER HOW LONG YOU BEEN DOING

IT.

BUT I ALSO THINK TWITTER WOULD

BE FUNNY AFTER THE APOCALYPSE.

LIKE, THERE'D BE NO ELECTRICITY,

BUT PEOPLE WILL HAVE GOTTEN SO

USED TO TWEETING THAT THEY'LL

JUST -- THAT THEY'LL STILL

TWEET, BUT THEY'LL JUST YELL IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY'LL BE LIKE IN RUBBLE, JUST

YELLING TWEETY-TYPE THINGS,

LIKE, "COPS ARE DRUNKS WITH

BADGES!"

AND THEN SOMEONE WOULD RE-TWEET

THAT WHO HEARD IT, LIKE, "FRANK

SAID COPS ARE DRUNKS WITH

BADGES!"

[ LAUGHS ]

>> EDDIE PEPITONE, EVERYBODY!

GOD DAMN!

[ APPLAUSE ]

WHAT A FUCKING INSPIRATION.

WELL, GUYS, THANK YOU ALL FOR

COMING TO FROLIC.

THANK YOU FOR COMING SO MUCH.

OUR NEXT SHOW IS IN TWO WEEKS,

ON WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17th, AND

IT'S OUR ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY...

>> WHEW.

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

EH, I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T --

IT'S AWFUL. THEY --

I JUST FELT KIND OF, UM --

I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A GOOD GROOVE

WITH THEM.

I LIKE INXS, TOO.

THERE'S SOMETHING NICE ABOUT

KNOWING THAT THEIR LEAD SINGER

HUNG HIMSELF.

IT SHOWS YOU THAT FAME ISN'T --

FAME ISN'T ALL IT'S CRACKED UP

TO BE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU, LIKE, SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE

WANTING TO BE FAMOUS, AND THEN

YOU HEAR ABOUT SOME FAMOUS GUY

HANGING HIMSELF, AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "HMM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE?"

I LIKE CLASSICAL, LIVE

CLASSICAL, AND I LIKE LISTENING

TO -- MY DAD'S A HUGE CLASSICAL

MUSIC FREAK.

HE LOVES MOZART, BEETHOVEN, AND

I LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I

LIKE IT.

THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> I WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M DOING

WELL, AND I TELL HIM, YOU KNOW,

ALL THE GIGS I GET.

AND I TELL HIM I'M LOSING WEIGHT

NOW, YOU KNOW?

AND I JUST WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M

DOING GOOD, WHICH I AM RIGHT

NOW, YOU KNOW?

DADDY-O.

YEAH, I'M TAPING A PILOT.

I'M TAPING AN NBC SHOW TOMORROW.

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, NO VISITATION FROM, UH,

ANYBODY?

NO?

YOU OKAY?

UH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I LOVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TALK SOON, DAD.

BYE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW IF HE WANTS TO

LEAVE STATEN ISLAND.

HE HATES LEAVING STATEN ISLAND.

HE JUST HATES IT.

HE HATES GETTING IN A CAR.

HE HATES THE TRAFFIC.

IN THAT WAY, I'M LIKE HIM.

I HATE THE FUCKING TRAFFIC HERE

IN L.A.

HE HASN'T BEEN ON MANHATTAN IN

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG, BUT --

SO, HE MIGHT NOT COMING, EVEN

THOUGH IT'S LIKE MY BIGGEST SHOW

IN YEARS.

IT'S LIKE HE GETS A BUG UP HIS

ASS, AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO

COME.

I'M GONNA BE COMING TO NEW YORK

NEXT WEEK.

>> DOING WHAT?

>> I'M DOING GOTHAM.

PATTON'S GONNA DO A LITTLE

DRIVE-BY THING, PATTON AND LEO,

AT GOTHAM ON A SUNDAY.

>> YOU'RE HEADLINING PAT AT

GOTHAM?

WOW. HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE WORRIED

ABOUT THAT.

I ALWAYS AM, YOU KNOW?

ABOUT -- OH, FUCK.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, AGAIN, YOU KNOW,

"OH, IF THERE'S NO CROWD, IT

MEANS NO ONE LOVES ME," OR THAT

KIND OF SHIT OR MY POPULARITY

OR, "WHERE'S MY CAREER IF

THERE'S NO FUCKING CROWD?"

YOU KNOW?

ALL THE OTHERS CATS ARE SO

FRUITY.

HOJI GIRL.

SEE YOU SOON, "HOJE."

[ THE SILVER JEWS' "HOW CAN I

LOVE YOU IF YOU WON'T LIE DOWN"

PLAYS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> * FAST CARS, FINE ASS

* THESE THINGS WILL PASS

* AND IT WON'T GET MORE

PROFOUND *

* TIME IS A GAME

* ONLY CHILDREN PLAY WELL

* HOW CAN I LOVE YOU

* IF YOU WON'T LIE DOWN

>> * LIE DOWN

[ INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ]

>> * MY YOUTH FOR A BELL

* WHO'S WHO IN HELL

* MY KINGDOM...

>> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

SAW EDDIE PERFORM?

>> OH.

>> IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

I KIND OF THINK IT WAS...

I KIND OF THINK IT WAS TWO WEEKS

AFTER I BOUGHT MY CAR, WHICH WAS

IN '02.

>> WOW.

>> AND --

>> NINE YEARS AGO?

>> I CA-- THAT'S MY BEST GUESS,

BUT I HAD THE CAR FOR TWO WEEKS.

AND I PARKED IT WHERE THERE WAS

A WHOLE BUNCH OF CARS PARKED,

WENT AND SEE HIM, CAME OUT, AND

THEY HAD TOWED IT.

>> IF YOU COME TOMORROW -- AND

YOU WILL, RIGHT?

ARE YOU COMING TOMORROW?

>> TOMORROW NIGHT?

>> WE'LL DRIVE YOU IN TO THE

SHOW.

>> YEAH, SURE.

THEY GONNA DRIVE US BACK?

I REMEMBER SAYING TO EDDIE,

"LOOK, THERE'S 230 MILLION

PEOPLE --" AT THE TIME -- "IN

THIS COUNTRY, AND HOW MANY MAKE

IT EVERY YEAR?"

HE DID WHAT HE WANTED TO DO,

SO...

DID I LECTURE YOU ABOUT YOU

GETTING A REAL JOB?

>> NO, I THINK YOU KNEW -- YOU

KIND OF KNEW THAT THAT'S WHAT I

WANTED TO DO.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> AND -- YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU WEREN'T -- YOU

WEREN'T CRAZY ABOUT IT, BUT YOU

KNEW THAT THAT'S WHAT I WANTED

TO DO.

SO, YOU DIDN'T -- YOU KIND OF

KNEW THAT, WHAT THE HELL WERE

YOU GONNA DO?

>> [ LAUGHS ] YEAH. RIGHT.

>> PROTEST DOWN AT WALL STREET!

LET'S GO INTO THE MIX HERE.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> WE'RE GONNA EXPRESS

SOLIDARITY...

>> WE'RE GONNA EXPRESS

SOLIDARITY...

>> ...AND HOPE THAT YOU, TOO...

>> ...AND HOPE THAT YOU, TOO...

>> ...CAN ALSO DO THE SAME.

>> ...CAN ALSO DO THE SAME.

>> YEAH!

THEY NEED TO KIND OF -- I'M GLAD

YOU'RE HERE.

THEY NEED PEOPLE WHO HAVE A

LITTLE MORE EXPERIENCE...

>> RIGHT.

>> ...BECAUSE THEY'RE A LITTLE

GREEN.

>> THEY NEED A CHE GUEVARA TYPE

LIKE YOU.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THE AVERAGE PERSON, AND I DON'T

MEAN AVERAGE IN TALENT, WHICH HE

IS MORE AVERAGE THAN ME.

>> I'M FREDDIE PEPITONE.

I'M HIS LONG-LOST BROTHER!

>> THE AVERAGE PERSON IS FUNNY.

THE WALL STREET PEOPLE -- THEY

ARE CONSUMED WITH MONEY AND

GREEN AND DESTROYING PEOPLE.

HOW CAN YOU BE FUNNY LIKE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GO ONSTAGE.

YOU GO, "GOOD EVENING.

I'VE KILLED YOUR SOUL."

>> BERNANKE NEEDS TO SLIP ON A

BANANA PEEL!

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

WE THINK IF THE FED HAD MORE

BANANA PEELS, THAT JUST MAYBE

THERE'S BE A SENSE OF HUMOR

ABOUT HOW THEY ARE DESTROYING

PEOPLE'S LIVES.

>> WITH A BOTTLE OF SELTZER FOR

TIM GEITHNER RIGHT IN HIS FACE,

WE'RE GONNA TAKE THESE PEOPLE

LIKE STOOGES, THE STOOGES THAT

THEY ARE!

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

THESE ARE NOT PROTESTORS.

SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE

PEPITONE GROUPIES.

THEY FOLLOW HIM AROUND FROM CITY

TO CITY WHENEVER HE HAS A SMALL,

MODEST SET SOMEWHERE.

>> I'M JUST LOOKING THROUGH

DRAWERS.

DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

>> THE GUY BEHIND THIS CAMERA

IS FUCKED UP.

WE'RE DRIVING TO MANHATTAN AND

DO THE DEAL THERE.

I GOT A BIG SHOW TOMORROW.

I'M FUCKING NERVOUS.

I WENT OVER A LOT OF SHIT,

THOUGH, ON THE PLANE, BUT...

WE'LL SEE HOW FUNNY I AM.

>> NOW, I TAKE IT THAT YOU GIVE

ME YOUR PERMISSION TO CLEAN UP

THIS FUCKING MESS THAT YOU'RE

LEAVING HERE.

>> OH, HOLD IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO?

>> NAH. GET OUT OF HERE.

>> RIGHT.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ROB. BYE.

I LOVE ROB.

PEOPLE HAVEN'T SEEN ME LIVE IN

A WHILE.

OH, MAN.

AH!

AH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> YOU DO, TOO.

>> OH, GREAT TO SEE YOU.

AH!

>> COME.

>> YEAH?

>> THREE MONTHS.

>> "COME."

YOU'RE LIKE, "COME, GENTLEMEN."

IT'S LIKE VERY ITALIAN.

"COME."

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> "COME IN.

COME IN AND BREAK BREAD."

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

"COME IN AND BREAK BREAD WITH

ME."

[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S GETTING UP THERE.

HE'S LIKE 78, I THINK.

>> IS HE REALLY?

>> 77.

>> YEAH, JOANIE'S GONNA BE 77.

>> IT'S HIS HIP, HIS BACK, HIS

FUCKING DRINKS.

WELL, YOU KNOW MY DAD.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> FUCKING EVERYTHING IS A --

AND, LIKE, I GET THERE.

AND THE BED I'M SUPPOSED TO

SLEEP ON JUST COVERED WITH

BOOKS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> JUST COVERED WITH BOOKS.

AND I'M LIKE, "DAD, I TOLD YOU,"

AND I HAVE TO BE SO CAREFUL -- I

HAVE TO BE SO CAREFUL OF GETTING

INTO IT WITH HIM BECAUSE I SAY,

"BUT, DAD --"

AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE SAID

THIS.

I GO, "YOU KNEW I WAS COMING,

RIGHT?"

LIKE, THAT -- EVEN THAT COULD BE

LIKE...

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE TYPE OF THE

THING WHERE YOU PUT A WAFER, AND

THAT'S THE TIPPING POINT.

SO, I SAID, "NO, DAD, NO MORE

BOOKS ON THESE SHELVES."

AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, IF

YOU WANT TO PUT THEM ON THE

FLOOR..."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> AND THEN -- SO, I SLEPT TILL

1:30 AND I GET UP AND HE'S

WATCHING TV AND HE WON'T COME

AND TALK TO ME.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO."

HE'S JUST WATCHING THIS FUCKING

GEORGE CLOONEY MOVIE.

AND I'M GOING, "DAD, HOW COME

YOU'RE NOT COMING IN TO TALK TO

ME IN THE KITCHEN?

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME FOR A YEAR,

AND THEN YOU'RE WATCHING A

MOVIE."

HE GOES, "WELL, YOU WERE GIVING

ME A LOT OF SHIT BEFORE."

LIKE, I HAD SAID -- ALL I HAD

SAID WAS -- ALL I HAD SAID WAS,

"MAYBE WE SHOULD --"

"YOU SAID -- YOU MADE IT PRETTY

CLEAR."

HE GOES LIKE THIS.

HE GOES LIKE THIS.

HE GOES, "YOU MADE IT PRETTY

CLEAR YOU WERE UPSET WITH ME."

I HAD SAID, "MAYBE WE SHOULD GET

THE BOOKS OFF THE BED."

[ LAUGHS ]

AND I'M GOING, "OH, NO."

>> WE THINK -- LIKE, WE WERE

TALKING LAST NIGHT.

WE WERE LIKE, "HE'S SO NERVOUS

ABOUT THIS, YOU KNOW?"

BUT IT'S GREAT BECAUSE --

>> HE CAN TRANSMUTE THAT ENERGY,

TOO, ONSTAGE, WHICH IS WHAT HE

DOES BEST, YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

>> [ GROANS ]

[ YAWNS ]

YEAH, WELL, I DID GIVE HIM A LOT

OF PROGRESSIVE LIBERAL

PERSPECTIVE, BUT I ALWAYS TOLD

HIM, "EDDIE, YOU GOT TO GET YOUR

SHARE OF THE PIE.

NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING

DOWN THE ESTABLISHMENT, BUT YOU

HAVE TO GET YOUR SHARE OF THE

PIE, TOO.

SO, YOU GOT TO WORK HARD."

HE'S TRYING TO FIND THE EASY WAY

OUT.

HE DIDN'T.

SO...

>> FIRST AND 10 FROM THE 31.

KAFKA IN HIS SECOND SEASON OUT

OF NORTHWESTERN, FOURTH-ROUND

DRAFT PICK LAST YEAR.

>> IF THE EAGLES HAD ANY DECENCY

AS AN ORGANIZATION, THEY

WOULDN'T HAVE PICKED THIS GUY UP

WHO'S AN ANIMAL ABUSER.

>> NICE.

HE GOT OUT OF THE TACKLE.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO JINX IT.

THIS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A

WIN, BUT ME AND MY DAD KNOW

BETTER.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

OH, I GET TO TURN OFF THE TV?

>> MM.

>> THANKS.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHY DON'T YOU GO WITHOUT ME?

EITHER WAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> EITHER WAY.

YOU LET US KNOW.

YOU LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO

DO.

WE'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

YOU MAKE THE CALL ON THAT.

BY THE WAY, WHAT IS GOING ON

HERE?

ARE THEY DOING CONSTRUCTION?

>> I TOLD YOU THIS LAST NIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> IT'LL TAKE YOU AN HOUR TO GET

OFF STATEN ISLAND.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

NO.

SO, WE'RE DRIVING UP TO THE CLUB

NOW.

I'M NERVOUS, AND I GOT MY DAD

HERE.

AND HE'S COMING TO THE CLUB.

I THINK THIS THE FIRST TIME --

IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE

BEEN IN MANHATTAN IN HOW LONG,

DAD?

>> I WOULD GUESS SEVEN YEARS.

>> SEVEN YEARS.

FIRST TIME MY DAD IS GETTING

INTO THE CITY IN SEVEN YEARS.

THERE SHOULD BE A CEREMONY WHEN

HE GETS IN THERE, LIKE BOB, LIKE

MR. MANHATTAN COMES UP TO HIM

AND GOES, "MR. PEPITONE, IT'S

GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK."

I SHOULD GET IN THERE BECAUSE

PEOPLE ARE GONNA START TO

SHOW UP.

SO, I'LL MEET YOU -- WHAT SHOULD

WE DO?

DAD, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

>> YEAH.

>> I ALREADY DON'T LIKE IT.

>> THE BEST SET HE EVER DID --

AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

HIS BUDDY, HIS OLD ROOMMATE,

USED TO BE A JAZZ MUSICIAN.

AND HE ASKED HIM TO COME UP AND

DO A SET IN BETWEEN JAZZ SETS,

AND THE GUY FORGOT TO INTRODUCE

EDDIE AS A COMEDIAN.

SO, EDDIE GOT UP.

HE ANNOUNCED TO THE CROWD THAT

HE WAS A CROONER, AND HE JUST

GOT UP AND SNAPPED LIKE THIS,

WAITING FOR THE SONG TO START,

FOR LIKE 15, 20 MINUTES, AND HE

CLEANED OUT THE ENTIRE FRIGGIN'

AUDIENCE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE GOTTEN USED TO L.A. BECAUSE

I'M BACK HERE AND --

I DON'T KNOW.

IT FEELS REAL DIFFERENT.

IT FEELS REAL --

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE WHERE YOU'VE

BEEN AFTER NINE YEARS.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, EITHER,

MAN.

>> WHERE ARE YOU SAYING IN

NEW YORK WHILE YOU'RE HERE?

>> WELL, NOW -- [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, I WAS WITH MY DAD THE LAST

TWO NIGHTS.

>> IN STATEN ISLAND.

>> AND IT WAS LIKE JUST BECAUSE

A -- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD

DESCRIBE IT -- LIKE SOME KIND OF

PRISON OR -- NOT LIKE

SOLZHENITSYN, BUT LIKE A

SMALL -- YOU KNOW, IT'S A BIG

HOUSE, BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A

HONEYWELL TRAILER OF EMOTIONAL

DEPRAVITY.

LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A

HONEYWELL TRAILER IN MY MIND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

A VERY SMALL HONEYWELL, NOT THE

BIG ONES, THE SMALL --

>> WAS THAT ROB McEWEN OR

GLEN CAMPBELL, "THE HONEYWELL

TRAILER OF YOUR MIND"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, EDDIE, WE'RE GONNA

START IN A MINUTE.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> HOW'S THE CROWD?

>> IT'S GREAT.

>> I'M GONNA HEAD UP WITH YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS UP THERE.

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN.

FUCK.

NERVOUS TONIGHT, PATTON.

>> DON'T BE.

EDDIE --

>> GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS UP HERE.

>> EDDIE, THAT IS A PACKED ROOM,

SO JUST ENJOY IT, MAN.

>> THANKS, MAN.

>> YEAH.

>> I'M GONNA GO UP AND SEE YOU.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> FOLKS, I'M...AND

EDDIE PEPITONE IS COMING UP

HERE, AND HE AND I --

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT IS IN MY HUMBLE OPINION HE IS

ONE OF THE BEST FUCKING

COMEDIANS WORKING TODAY.

AND THERE'S GONNA BE A BIG

FEATURE ABOUT HIM IN SPIN

MAGAZINE IN NOVEMBER.

SO, YOU GUYS GET TO BE -- YOU'RE

RIGHT NEXT TO THE CHELSEA HOTEL,

SO YOU CAN BE LIKE ALL THE

CHELSEA PEOPLE -- "I WAS INTO

PEPITONE MONTHS AGO, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU FUCKERS ARE JUST READING

ABOUT HIM NOW?

I BET YOU STILL LISTEN TO THE

WHITE STRIPES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR

MY MAN EDDIE PEPITONE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GO GET 'EM, BABY.

>> THESE ARE MY TWEETS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE TO TWEET!

I REALLY LOVE TO TWEET.

AND THESE ARE MY TWEETS.

NOBODY FUCKS WITH YOU WHEN YOU

CARRY AROUND YOUR TWEETS, YOU

KNOW?

NOBODY DOES BECAUSE IF THERE'S

AN ANGRY GANG OR SOMETHING

COMING TOWARDS YOU AND YOU'RE

WALKING AROUND GOING, "THESE ARE

MY TWEETS," THEY BACK OFF

BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU'RE

BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS ONE IS FROM AUGUST 19th.

"WHY?!"

THAT GOT RE-TWEETED...

THAT GOT RE-TWEETED 52 FUCKING

TIMES.

AND, HEY, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A

RE-TWEET, ISN'T THERE?

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A RE-TWEET.

WHEN YOU CHECK YOUR LITTLE

PHONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE HAVING A BAD

DAY.

YOU'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH

SOMETHING IN YOUR ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THEN YOU SEE.

THEN YOU SEE THAT SOMEBODY

RE-TWEETED YOU.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "MAYBE THIS

THING WILL GO IN REMISSION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE

THAT COUNT, THE LITTLE THINGS,

LIKE A RE-TWEET.

>> YEAH!

>> OR -- OR A CUP OF COCOA.

IT'S NOT THE BIG THINGS, LIKE

FUCKING 20 WOMEN LINED UP, ONE

BY ONE BY ONE BY ONE AND FINDING

OUT YOU'VE HAD $1 MILLION WIRED

TO YOU.

NO!

IT'S NOT FUCKING 20 WOMEN LINED

UP ONE BY ONE BY ONE BY ONE BY

ONE AND YOU'RE FUCKING THEM AND

YOU'RE FUCKING THEM AND YOU

CHECK YOUR PHONE AND YOU HAD $1

MILLION WIRED TO YOU.

IT'S NOT THAT!

THAT'S NOT BAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS NOT BAD.

BUT IT'S A CUP OF COCOA.

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME PUT THESE --

I'M A MAN AT WAR WITH MYSELF

BECAUSE I REALLY DO WANT TO BE

NEW AGE, YOU KNOW?

I WANT TO BE -- YOU KNOW, I'VE

BEEN TRYING TO BE VEGAN AND

VEGETARIAN, BUT I ALWAYS WEAKEN

WHEN I PASS A RIB PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, REALLY, I WANT TO BE

VEGAN, AND I'M ESPECIALLY -- I'M

THE TYPE OF GUY -- I WATCH A

DOCUMENTARY, YOU KNOW,

FACTORY-FARMED ANIMALS OR

WHATEVER.

I WATCH THAT DOCUMENTARY, AND

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

FOR A HALF-HOUR, I WILL NOT EAT

MEAT, AND I AM COMMITTED TO IT!

FOR A GOOD HALF-HOUR, 45

MINUTES.

ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THAT, LIKE,

WHATEVER DOCUMENTARY YOU WATCH,

YOU'RE LIKE, "MY GOD"?

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

"THEY'RE KEEPING PEOPLE FROM

YEMEN IN WINE CELLARS AND

FEEDING THEM SHITTY WINE," OR

WHATEVER IT IS.

I CAN'T THINK --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN'T THINK OF A GOOD

DOCUMENTARY TOPIC.

I GET HECKLED A LOT, YOU KNOW,

IN CLUBS, BUT IT'S USUALLY

GENERIC, BUT ACCURATE, LIKE,

"EDDIE, YOU SUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT -- BUT I WAS WONDERING --

I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE

HECKLING WOULD BE LIKE IF

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE KNEW ME

AS WELL AS I KNOW MYSELF.

WHAT WOULD THE HECKLING BE LIKE?

AND I THINK IT'D BE LIKE THIS.

EXCUSE ME.

LET ME JUST THROUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, PEPITONE!

HOW COME YOU DREAM ABOUT RED

BIRDS ATTACKING YOU AT NIGHT!?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

YOUR SHRINK SAYS THE RED EITHER

REPRESENTS YOUR ANGER OR JUST

FLYING VAGINAS!

AND I KNOW, BY THE WAY, THAT

THIS IS A LONG-WINDED HECKLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

I KNOW THIS IS A LONG-WINDED

HECKLE AND HECKLES ARE USUALLY

STACCATO AND BRUTAL.

BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, DON'T BLAME ME FOR THAT

ASIDE TO THE AUDIENCE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF

SELF-SABOTAGE!

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN HECKLED ALL

EVENING, AND YET YOU DEVISE A

BIT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WHERE YOU ARE HECKLED!

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK IT IS

BULLSHIT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, I KNOW WE ARE AT WAR WITH

EACH OTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW CAN YOU NOT BE IN THIS

CRAZY, UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD, A

WORLD WHERE, ON ONE CORNER, YOU

CAN GET GOURMET COFFEE AND IN AN

APARTMENT RIGHT ABOVE THAT,

SOMEONE'S BEING RAPED FOR THE

LAST 30 YEARS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW DO YOU RECONCILE THAT?

UNLESS -- UNLESS THE COFFEE IS

HORRIBLE.

AND YOU WERE THE ONE, MY FRIEND,

WHO WENT OFF HIS MEDS WITHOUT

TELLING ANYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT? YOU DID THAT.

YOU DID THAT!

YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

BENEFICIAL.

NOW LOOK!

I WANT TO BE AT PEACE WITH YOU.

I REALLY, REALLY DO.

NOW, I THINK THE BEST WAY IS

HASH AND A LITTLE GIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND JUST REMEMBER -- JUST

BECAUSE THERE MAY NOT BE A

LOVING GOD, THERE CERTAINLY ARE

LOVING PEOPLE.

NOW, THIS IS THE PART OF THE BIT

WHERE PEOPLE REALLY ARE GETTING

INTO IT NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE CERTAINLY ARE LOVING

PEOPLE, AND YOU'VE HAD A LOT OF

LOVING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

SO, YOU CANNOT -- YOU CANNOT

DENY THAT, OKAY.

AND THE GIANTS BEAT THE EAGLES

TODAY, AND THAT --

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD.

YOU KNOW?

WHENEVER THERE'S NO GOD, IF THE

GIANTS BEAT THE EAGLES, IT'S

KIND OF LIKE A TOSS-UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, I WANT TO

THANK EVERYBODY FOR COMING.

I WANT TO THANK PATTON OSWALT

AND LEO ALLEN, ANGELO, MY

FATHER, MY BUDDIES.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

>> WHO'S THAT?

THAT'S EDDIE'S DAD?

>> YEAH, THIS IS MY DAD.

>> GIVE IT UP FOR EDDIE'S DAD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> IT'S SO GREAT TO DO IT HERE,

IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS AND MY

DAD AND PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN

ME IN AWHILE, YOU KNOW?

I THINK WHAT IT MEANS IS THAT

MAYBE I'M JUST STARTING OUT NOW,

TO REALLY -- MAYBE MY POPULARITY

FROM HERE WILL REALLY GO.

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

THIS MAY BE THE APEX.

BUT MAYBE FOR ME THIS WILL BE

LIKE -- IT'LL GIVE ME SO MUCH

CONFIDENCE TO, LIKE, KEEP GOING

AND DOING OTHER BIGGER SHOWS,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST REALLY NICE TO DO IT

HERE, YOU KNOW?

OH, THIS IS A GREAT OLD PHOTO OF

MY MOM, WHEN MY MOM WAS A LITTLE

GIRL.

OH, AND HER DAD, MY GRANDFATHER.

HERE'S ME WITH WILL FARRELL ON

THE SET OF "OLD SCHOOL."

I HAD PUT ON A LOT OF WEIGHT

BECAUSE ALL THERE WAS TO DO WAS

EAT.

HERE'S SOME OLD PICTURES.

THIS IS AN OLD PICTURE OF A

YOUNG COMEDIAN, ED PEPITONE.

I ACTUALLY HAD A LITTLE HAIR ON

THE TOP.

>> WHEN DID YOU LOSE THE HAIR?

>> I LOST IT IN A BARROOM FIGHT.

>> LET'S SEE IF I HAVE ANYTHING

INTERESTING.

THIS IS WHEN I FIRST GOT LOUIS

AND KATIE.

THEY'RE FUCKING LITTLE KITTENS.

MY SIS.

THESE ARE, LIKE, MY BEST FRIENDS

IN THE WORLD.

HERE'S ME WITH A MUSTACHE AND

SHIT, PLAYING FOOTBALL IN

NEW YORK WITH TWO KIDS.

OH, I LOVE THESE PICTURES OF

KATE, I MEAN, 'CAUSE NOW THEY'RE

BIG AND...

GOD.

THESE ARE ALL CAT PICTURES.

THE HEADSHOTS I HAD DONE.

I HAVE TO GIVE MY WEBSITE GUY

SOME PHOTOS.

I SHOULD GIVE THEM SOME OF

THESE.

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

I HOPE THAT, UH, MY LIFE HASN'T

BEEN A WASTE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, SERIOUSLY.

LIKE, BECAUSE MY LIFE ISN'T

ABOUT HAVING KIDS.

AND IT ISN'T ABOUT RAISING A

FAMILY, YOU KNOW, AND HAVING --

MY LEGACY IS JUST, YOU KNOW, THE

FUCKING COMEDY.

THAT'S IT.

IS THAT SAD?

[ LAUGHS ]

I THINK IT IS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SMOG'S "HELD" PLAYS ]

>> * FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY

LIFE *

* I LET MYSELF BE HELD

* LIKE A BIG OLD BABY

* I SURRENDER

* TO YOUR CHARITY

* I LAY BACK IN THE TALL GRASS

* AND LET THE ANTS COVER ME

* I LET THE JETS FLY

* I'M WISHING FOR THEIR

DESTRUCTION *

[ KEYS CLACKING ]