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(MARCHING BAND PLAYS)

(TRUMPET PLAYS)

You ready?

Let's go.

ANNOUNCER: And, this is it.

Months of intense competition, blood, sweat and tears,

all boil down to one final game.

The Panthers have had an unbelievable season.

But they'll need to pull out all the stops

to conquer the Titans tonight.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING STOPS)

Intramural sports don't get much more exciting than this.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYS)

Hi, I'm Bill Costas,

here, with my color commentary counter-cultural counterpart,

Dan Albert.

We are here, at the IM championships.

Dan, what do you think about tonight's match-up?

It's gonna be a doozy, Bill.

The Panthers led by Caleb Fuller

and his best bud, Grant Rosenfalis,

have had a Cinderella season,

coming out of nowhere to become a top competitor.

And we see them warming up right now

with some callisthenic chugging.

Ah, the joys of having a baby bladder

and a young liver.

Absolutely. But, I wouldn't count out

Dick Downs and his Titans.

They have been literally unstoppable

all season long. Killing it.

Yes, and the smell of sexual and

emotional repression

is literally wafting from the Titan's sidelines.

Butt kicks! I want those heels in your ass!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey. Good luck.

God!

I don't know who you think you are, Fuller

This is football, not a goof-off game

of butt-chugging with the bros.

You guys do that?

Of course, I butt-chug. Everybody butt-chugs.

That's really dangerous.

What are you talking about? It gets you drunk quicker

And when would you be doing this?

At a party, in a room with

your buddies.

I don't know any person who does that...

Stop talking about butt-chugging!

This is football.

Relax, man It's just intramurals.

Heads.

I'm gonna kill you. (LAUGHS)

What? Mount.

Bye.

And that... And that's the note

you wanna leave on?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Got it!

(YELPS)

♪ When you flew out of the nest

♪ You made a mistake

♪ Flew all the way back

♪ When you got back to your den

♪ One minute too late

♪ Was already wrecked

♪ I, I

♪ I, I

♪ It's a fraction of the whole

♪ But it's so hard to control

♪ I, I

♪ I, I

♪ Get this straight

It's do or die, Bill,

and with just three seconds

left on the clock,

the Panthers will try for one more play

to pull out a miracle.

This is it, cum junkies.

Do not mess up or I will smash your

faces in with bricks.

I will go after...

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna run the triple-Z, okay?

Vinnie, you're gonna give me the pitch. Cool.

Chance, I need a lot of coverage from you, okay? Yes, sir.

Grant, you're getting the pass.

You give me the ingredients, I'll cook the soup.

Okay. Ready? One, two, three.

Z! Z!

Butt-chuggers!

Watch 42. Watch 42.

You're mine, turd biscuit.

Bogey, 20.

Eye of the tiger, men, thrill of the fight.

Randy, read your keys.

Set. Hut!

(CRACK)

(CHEERING)

Touchdown, Panthers. Wow, Rosenfalis held onto it!

What a play!

Yeah!

(MOANS)

DAN: Hold on Something's wrong, Bill.

Rosenfalis is not moving. He could be hurt.

You hate to see this, Dan.

Grant. Are you okay?

I can't feel

my penis.

Somebody call a doctor! What about your legs?

Who cares? I can't feel my balls. My boys.

Get out of my way, I'm a doctor.

I can't feel either of them.

I'm a doctor. All right.

Now, son, tell me, can you feel this?

No. No.

I can't feel anything.

I'm sorry, he's been paralyzed from the balls down.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh, God! What? He's just leaving?

All right, okay. Oh, God.

Stay with me, okay?

Caleb, it's more than just intramurals.

It's more than a game.

Promise me you won't give up.

What? Promise me!

I promise.

Promise me.

I just did. No, I promise.

Promise me...

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Here you go, fellas.

Hey, Hank.

Hey, dude.

Me and some of the guys are playing

football in a minute. You down?

Yeah, I can't.

Come on, man.

Look, I can't actually play if I don't bring

someone else. They won't let me.

And please don't make me go to Home Depot and get another day

Last time I did that, Enrique broke his ankle

and then he got deported.

Well, I'm really sorry to hear about Enrique,

but I gotta study.

We're seniors, dude. What do you

have to study for?

We are fifth-year seniors. And I gotta

study for the LSAT.

Dude, I didn't know you wanted to be a urologist.

Lawyer. I wanna be a lawyer.

Wait. Did that she-demon put you up to this?

Her name is vicky.

She's terrible. Break up with her.

Come on, she's nice to me, man.

She's got that look, man.

What look?

That look...

Like she wants to nail gun your nutsack

to a concrete wall of commitment.

And you know, one night, you weren't here,

but she spent an hour describing her glitter art

and how it was inspired by 9/11.

(SCOFFS) Okay. You know what,

go play your little game.

Okay, I'm just gonna have to pretend

that you didn't just call football,

the sport that built this nation,

a little game.

And I will pretend that I didn't find a copy

of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

in your Road House DVD case.

You have the upper hand this time.

(SIGHS) Gotta get to Home Depot.

West's Business Law. You and me, forever.

The bitch is here.

Okay, Hank.

Hi!

Guess what I got for Dancing with the Stars

tonight? Um...

Peppermint Schnapps, cottage cheese, algae balls

Uh... (LAUGHS)

Okay. Cool.

What, are you not gonna watch?

No, I'm just, well, studying.

You know, take the LSAT.

Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you

for finally committing to it. Good job.

Yeah, gotta...

Oh, thanks. Gotta have a career, you know.

Speaking of which,

Father is throwing me a birthday party

at the club tomorrow night.

I thought he was still in New York working.

No, no. He got the microwave company off.

They don't owe the children's shelter anything.

Wow.

Uh, can't wait to meet him.

You know, if it goes well,

I think that, probably, he could put in

a good word for you at Harvard.

Harvard? Harvard.

Wouldn't you want to spend a few years

with me in Cambridge?

That... That is an option, isn't it, huh? Maybe?

Yeah.

You're such a good boyfriend.

Oh. Oh.

If you wanna take a study break,

I TiVoed the new gynecology reality show, Lip Service.

Wow.

Fascinating stuff.

(CORK POPS)

Wow, I did not know it would be this...

Elegant. I know, I'm dying.

Daddy! That's Daddy.

Daddy. Thank you for my party.

Oh, my pleasure, honey.

Oh, and this must be the Callum I've been

hearing so much about.

Caleb, sir. Yep, but it is a pleasure

to be meeting you.

I'm gonna BRB Uh, just network

or do whatever. Okay.

(CHUCKLING)

So, I hear you wanna be a lawyer.

Yep, thinking about it.

Well, I'm gonna shoot straight with you, Callum,

because I am a straight shooter.

Now, Vicky tells me you're a bright kid,

but we turn away a lot of bright kids

at my firm.

We interviewed this Eagle Scout last week.

Beat cancer when he was 15.

Started a non-profit for cancer patients

and raised over $6 million.

Then went to Harvard and scored a perfect GPA.

We didn't give him an offer. You wanna know why?

Uh, why?

He was ugly A really face-melter.

I mean, I get sick thinking about him.

But you you're a good-looking kid.

Bet I could bounce a bouillon cube off your butt.

Um, thank you.

So, you get a 178 on your LSAT and maintain

at least a 3.8 GPA,

then, in three years, you can work for me.

Starting salary is $180K.

Whoa. Heh heh.

You look overwhelmed.

Uh, no. No, sir. Just, lot of ifs.

So, buckle down. Your job now is to make

sure your future is set.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to my party.

Daddy, I know this is only the fourth birthday of mine

that you've been able to physically attend,

but I'm sure it's gonna be a special one.

Love you, honey.

And I love you. Um...

Okay. Speaking of special,

there's also a new man in my life

who's pretty special himself.

Um...

Uh, Vicky, we don't need to...

Okay. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Caleb,

the last five-and-a-half months

of our courtship have been magical,

and you're clearly taking steps

to ensure our future

and so, today on my birthday, this day of days,

(SHUDDERS)

will you bestow upon me the greatest gift

that can be bestowed

upon a woman, and that is,

Caleb Fuller, will you marry me?

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

(BELL TOLLING)

(LAUGHING)

Caleb.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

HANK: Cold concrete wall of commitment.

(CRYING)

(CLOCK TICKS)

Caleb?

Caleb? Yeah?

MAN: He said yes!

(SCREAMING)

(GUESTS CHEERING) Uh...

Smart choice, kid. You got a bright

future ahead of you.

(MUTED CHATTER, APPLAUSE)

(BABY CRIES)

MAN: Heads up!

Hey, sorry, man...

Vinnie? Caleb?

Yo! Ho ho! What's up?

How you been? It's been ages.

Yeah, yeah, like four years. How are you?

I'm great, man, I'm great. Never been better.

Cool. You about to graduate?

Yeah. From college.

Right. Yep.

What about you? How you been?

I'm good, I'm good. Just, you know, studying for the LSAT.

Gynecologist, nice.

Lawyer.

Wait a second. I see you've been moonlighting as a jewel thief.

Oh, yeah. Got engaged.

What? Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yep.

So, I see you're still throwing.

Ah, well, yeah, I just throw the ball around

sometimes, you know.

Cool, man, cool. Who you throwing with?

Nobody.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Nobody.

I just try to hit people, you know,

and just pretend it was an accident.

It's good, clean fun.

Good, clean fun.

Watch, watch, watch. You see this guy?

Look at that asshole.

Ready?

(SQUEALS)

Aim's a little off,

but still got a hell of an arm.

Thanks, bro.

Anyway, you wanna go throw a little bit?

Or, catch up or something?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know a better place, though. Yeah, sweet.

Yo, a little ball help.

(WAILS)

Yes! Nailed it!

(LAUGHS)

Look at him.

Who did this?

Vinnie, when you said you knew somewhere better to throw,

I thought you meant, you know, where we could...

Together. Yeah.

Got it. Right. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, let's go.

(SOBBING)

VINNIE: Ball help.

Yeah, so, after the team broke up

freshmen year,

I started quarterbacking for the Penguins,

but they gave me the boot after we lost six in a row.

Ooh. You still play?

No.

No, I kind of lost interest after the...

Yeah.

Plus, school's intense.

I understand, man, I understand.

You gotta get serious about life sometime, right?

Yeah.

You keep in contact with any of the guys from the old team?

No.

Although, I do think I saw Grant get maced

on an episode of Cops once.

Oh, do you remember that time

that Grant pissed in George's water bottle

and he told him it was Gatorade?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

No, no, no. You remember the time

that we pissed in Jimmy's chicken soup,

and we told him it was chicken broth?

Yes. Yes, the look on his face, man.

(MUMBLING)

(SNIFFLING)

Awesome.

Oh, man. Pissed on a lot of stuff back then.

Best year of college.

Best year of my life, man.

Hey, this might sound crazy,

but what do you think about getting

the old team back together?

Oh, my goodness. Are you okay? Are you okay?

Ooh.

She's not moving. She's not moving.

We should relocate.

(DISTANT MURMURING) She's not moving!

Were you serious back there? About

getting the old team back together?

Uh, yeah, let's do it.

What about Grant?

I got just the guy.

So you guys went to the intramural championship

your freshmen year?

Yeah.

What happened?

We won. On the last play.

Wow.

Okay.

And now you wanna get the band back together.

The big issue is that we lost all contact

with the guys.

I mean, I haven't seen vinnie

since freshmen year.

No, we don't know where anybody lives

or even if they're still in school, so...

But you remember their names, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because the university website gives you

current contact info

for all registered students.

That's how I stalk all the hot freshmen girls.

A little knock, knock, ''Welcome to class,''

tap that ass.

Nice.

So, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, that we should use the university's website

to get all the current contact information

for all the guys.

Then we could locate them

and attempt to convince them to join

the intramural football team.

Yeah, man.

Dude, you're not supposed to answer

a rhetorical question.

So, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

CALEB: Jimmy Harris. Calm yet intense.

Perfect under pressure and a real-life cowboy.

Look out!

Dude, what's he doing? That horse is gonna kill him.

She's out of control.

Buttercup.

(SINGING OPERA)

(SNORTS)

Wow.

CALEB: George Erwin.

Good utility player and an amazing

student of the game.

Oh, forgive the mess. I'm working on my thesis.

What is it?

I'm currently trying to find the number in

between three and four.

Between three and four? Yes.

Haven't you just ever had a gut feeling

that there was a number right in between

three and four?

You mean, like Pi? No!

(MAN SHUSHES) Not like Pi.

Okay.

CALEB: Chance Gilman.

The lone wolf wide receiver.

We called him Magic Man because he could

make magic on the field

and he was a bit of an amateur magician.

Now tell me. Is this your card?

How in the hell did you do that?

That's called street magic, Rafa.

You wouldn't comprende.

I'll show you street magic.

Go on. Go ahead. Show me your magic.

Show me your magic!

Put the knife down, man. Put the knife down.

What knife?

This white boy's crazy!

And that's how you do magic in the streets.

VINNIE: What about Grant?

(CALEB SIGHS)

Leave that to me.

(METAL RATTLES)

Hey, Grant.

(COUGHS)

It's me, Caleb.

I brought you the Rocky Criterion Collection

on laser disc, man.

Purest of formats, like you always said.

Look, man, I'm getting the old

team back together.

Can't do it without you.

(COUGHS)

Why don't you check the cemetery?

Grant Rosenfalis has been dead for

the last four years.

Leave a message after the beep.

Beep!

I just wanna talk to you, bud.

Beep...

All right.

Well... (CONTINUES BEEPING)

It's out here if you want it.

(VOICE WAVERS)

You took a breath in the beep. I know it's your voice.

If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and go blow yourself.

CALEB: If these guys are anything like

they were four years ago,

they'll be chomping at the bit to get the team back together.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) ...he's having a hard time!

Please! Hold on! Okay, guys, guys!

What makes you think after four years, we should put

this team back together?

Come on. You remember all the fun times we had.

Georgie, the night that we whizzed on you

when you were sleeping?

You guys pissed on me while I was asleep?

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

You don't do that to a friend, guys.

I never understood what was so cool about

pissing on everything.

Look, we were all a bunch of stupid punks

back then.

It was fun, but we're grown-ups now.

Caleb. I got dresses. Ah!

And you're having a party.

Hey, babe. Just hanging with the boys.

Could I talk to you outside?

Am I on crack,

or are we supposed to be planning our nuptials?

Uh, yeah. No...

How are we supposed to decide

what flavor of edible tanning solution

your groomsmaids are gonna wear

if you're hosting a seance of freaks?

It's football.

Babe, I need this.

You need? What do you mean, you need?

You don't need it. What do you mean?

No, like...

Do you understand the pressure that I am under?

What's all this? What's going on?

This goddamn wedding. I'm...

Why are you shaking? There's just too much to do

and it's making me...

I can't stop shaking.

You're just moving your hands, honey.

Come on.

I can't stop.

Babe, I need a release.

You know.. From the studying...

Okay.

And then you and me on the same page again.

Yeah? Okay. Okay.

But do you promise it won't get in the way of us, please?

Yes. Yes, I do. I do.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

You better get used to saying that.

HANK: Braid my hair.

JIMMY: Oh, I'll braid your hair before

I break your face, bro.

Oh, horse whisperer's got some spunk, huh?

You wanna go eight seconds with me?

I only need six.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Desperados, slow it down.

Springsteen, what is the deal?

Loosen the bandana, Hank.

Look, I don't know about you guys,

but I got one semester left, okay?

And then it is off to law school and the rest of my life.

Which I'm so happy about.

Yes.

Look, this might be our last shot

at doing something that doesn't matter.

Okay? For the hell of it.

Now I've already signed us up. We got a game Thursday.

You show up and we see if the old spark is there, huh?

And if not, you go your separate ways.

Okay? Who's in?

(BOOM)

Here we go, boys! Down!

Spank it and shake it! That's a hand in the cookie jar!

Blue, 42. Set, hut.

Jesus, Randy.

Come here. Come here, Randy. Come here.

Hey. Why did you just drop that pass?

I'm sorry, I...

You just thought you'd ruin a perfectly good throw?

Or maybe you thought you'd imitate

the drummer from Def Leppard?

I don't get that reference.

(MOCK MUMBLING)

Yeah, well, maybe you'll just run wind sprints

until your feet bleed.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Come on, buddy, hop to. Let's go!

Dick? What, Ace?

Can't you see I'm enacting tough love?

Sorry.

I just wanted to let you know, Caleb Fuller

signed up for the leagues.

Fuller?

From the Panthers. The only team that ever beat us.

Fuller.

Yeah, his best friend Grant was awesomely paralyzed by you

in the game-winning play.

I'm having a tough time here. I don't... Fuller?

I brought a series of photographs.

It's Caleb Fuller.

Look at that smile, five miles wide.

Hold on. There's a few more in here. I got a...

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. I know who he is!

I was just pretending not to so it seemed like I didn't care.

Who's their first game against?

Perfect.

(CHUCKLES)

What does it say?

(LAUGHING)

(WEAK CHUCKLE)

(HORNS PLAYING)

BILL: Opening night. The grass is green, the moon is out.

I'm blitzed out of my skull and ready to watch the first game of

what promises to be a very exciting intramural season

I'm joined, as always, by my cohort, Dan.

Dan, how's it hanging?

Glad to be here after my arrest for possession last week.

How'd your step-dad take it?

Let's just say we had to hire a plumber

to get the bricks out of the toilet.

Always good with the metaphors.

Metaphors, similes, haikus, limericks.

He plays the English language like a fine guitar.

Where's Caleb?

Don't worry, he'll show.

That's not what I'm worried about.

DAN: The team to beat this season, the Titans.

Made up of the fifth-year seniors

from the Who-Cares fraternity,

the Titans had been favorited to go all the way,

thanks to Dick Downs.

It's just nice to know that

despite their good looks and established wealth,

they're all likely to suffer from

alcoholism and depression

some 20 years from now.

I want you to rip off their heads

and shit down their spinal cavity.

Aah!

Where the hell is Caleb?

(RADIO PLAYING MUSIC)

Hey, you!You're parked in the handicap zone.

(ENGINE, MUSIC STOP)

Hi. You-hoo.

Hi. Hi.

You're in the handicap. Your car.

You know what? It's okay.

My best friend used to be paralyzed,

My best friend used to be paralyzed,

What?

He didn't used to be paralyzed,

he used to be my best friend.

Oh, okay.

But I haven't spoken to him in a while,

but he is still paralyzed, so thank goodness.

Uh...

That doesn't go away.

Sorry, I guess.

That's okay.

Your shirt, that kind of reminds me of him.

Eye of the Tiger fan.

It kind of reminds me of Rocky III.

Best movie of all time.

I think you mean Rocky I.

What? Come on. Yeah.

No, he doesn't even win in the end.

It's not about the winning. No, no, come on.

That's where he meets Adrian.

Yeah. Oh. Interesting.

Mer-Bear, did you bring my juice boxes?

Hi.

Well, well, well. The prodigal pussy returns.

Hey! What?

It's good to see you, Dick.

Still doing that.

Riddle me, riddle me, riddle me this.

What's more dangerous?

A man with no fear, or a man with nothing to lose?

What about a man who's not afraid of losing?

But I...

Look! Just get ready to feel the pain.

Okay. Got it.

I'm gonna need a juice box ready

when I'm done taking sexual advantage of that guy

for four quarters.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

Dick, stop it. What?

I said, stop.

I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm gonna rip out your colon and use it

as a spooky eye-patch.

I'll see you on the field, Fuller.

Okay...

Wow. So...

He's a good one.

Mer-Bear.

Heh.

Just Meredith. Okay.

Is that, uh...

Is that your boyfriend?

(LAUGHING) No, no, no. No. Gross. No, that's...

Sorry, he's my brother.

Oh, okay.

That's my twin brother. Oh.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

It was lovely to meet you, just Meredith.

A handshake? Yeah.

You can't offer me a handshake before a game.

Uh, all right.

You gotta get amped up.

Come on, give me a high five or a chest bump or something.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give you

a little high five.

Okay. Cool with that.

We'll do a little chest bumping later.

What?

No, we'll just... (SNORTS)

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

See you later. Got it.

I just... Nope.

Are my eyes deceiving me? I think that's Caleb Fuller

and the Panthers,

a team that won the intramural crown

four years ago,

but disbanded soon after

their star receiver was paralyzed

from the dong on down.

We haven't seen these guys since we were

second-year seniors.

One wonders if they will be able to recapture

the magic they once had.

We'll find out soon enough, Bill.

But from the looks of things, we gonna see

a beating so severe

that it would make Uday Hussein

look like a Quaker.

And he, my friend, was no Quaker.

Hey, man, you're pretty strong, huh?

How much do you bench, dude-bro?

Ready! Down.

Set. Hut.

(GRUNTS) Aah!

405, dude-bro.

(TITANS LAUGH)

Jesus.

♪ Like a tiger running through the jungle

♪ I'm so hungry for the meat

Chance, Hank. Check the ball.

Check the ball.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

♪ We call your name

♪ Ripping and tearing away your flesh

♪ I'm killing for sport

BILL: Whoa, call the Panthers Houdini's Shittier Brother,

'cause they definitely do not have the magic.

No, these panthers look like pussies.

That was the lamest excuse for football

I've ever seen.

Yo! Wasn't that bad.

Wasn't that bad?

Dude, they scored my grandpa's age.

Um, you sucked just as bad as we did.

Whatever, Magic Mike.

That movie has nothing to do with magic!

Hey, Siegfried, why don't you go jack off

one of your tigers?

Hey, leave him alone, Friend-o

Yeah, who put you in charge, Hank?

It's clear that I'm the only one here

with functioning testicles.

Yeah? How'd you like them not to function?

Whoa, whoa! Calm down. Everybody calm down.

It was a rough start. We're gonna get better.

We're gonna get better, right, Caleb?

Yeah, I don't know. Just didn't feel right.

Yeah.

Didn't feel right having your asses

handed to you.

Look, I understand being a little bit rusty.

'Cause I was celibate for three months once.

By choice.

And when I got back into the game,

I couldn't get erect again.

I can't even begin to imagine

how you guys were ever that good

in the first place.

They were good because they played

with their hearts.

The Panthers I used to know would take a beating like that

and come back with the fury of a raging typhoon.

Those players would calmly stare down

the dark lord of death

and nut-tap him like he was a cheap

Mexican birthday clown.

They wouldn't sit there and cry

like a group of schoolgirls that didn't get

to feed the geese.

The men that I once called friends

would do the only thing they knew how to do.

Stand up and fight.

Okay, I'm sorry. Who the hell are you?

My name is Grant Rosenfalis and I'm your new head coach.

There is a classic structure to all underdog sports movies.

Rocky, Hoosiers,

Air Buds 1, 2, 3 and 5.

What about Air Bud 4?

A dog playing baseball? Are you insane?

It was stupid.

Now, just like in these films,

you lot are a ragtag team of varied archetypes.

Currently zeroes, though potentially heroes.

But only with the help of me,

the crusty, yet affable veteran

reluctant to revisit his troubled past.

You're like the exact same age as us.

Eight thousand wind sprints for the boy with Asperger's.

(SIGHS)

All right.

Okay. Grant, what do we do?

We train.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYS)

Damn! It's too slow.

I'll be employing some unorthodox

training methods.

You'll be like clay in my hands.

Resistant at first...

Why are we training on the beach?

Because it's inspirational.

But over time, malleable to my touch.

Athletic ability is not the only skill to be honed.

There must be interpersonal conflict.

Nice hooves out there, Buttercup.

Shut the hell up.

There must be anger.

Ooh!

I hate you so much, Grant.

And passion.

Yeah!

Some of my methods might be deemed controversial.

You guys sure about this?

Football is war, gentlemen.

And in war, sometimes you get

shot with a gun.

Okay.

I can do it. I can do it. I'm not gonna back out.

(SCREAMING)

Why didn't you shoot him in the vest?

You didn't tell me to.

It seemed pretty self-explanatory.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God! We gotta get

the hell out of here.

What did you do?

To lend a sense of gravity

to the otherwise shallow athletic scenarios,

we'll need racial tension.

Then, you'll learn to accept the freak

for who he is.

Hey, freak show.

Nice catch.

GRANT: Creepy and special.

Moments of levity should be found

amongst the rigors of training.

(LAUGHING)

It was human piss.

And slowly but surely, I'll begin to lighten up,

(GRUNTS) and you'll see that

this rough-around-the-edges persona is merely skin-deep.

(MUSIC STOPS)

It didn't hurt.

Everybody laugh.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

'Cause I'm paralyzed.

And as the music escalates,

you begin to improve dramatically.

♪ You've got money, but got no class

♪ I talk loving, but you talk trash

♪ Hiding all your lies under the carpet

♪ Every minute you cause a scene

♪ Always taking it out on me

♪ Think it's time we finish what we started

Finally the training culminates

in an epic, slow-motion shot of celebration.

(MUSIC STOPS)

So I actually didn't know what wind sprints were,

so I just grabbed a quick little snack.

What, did I miss something?

(CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING)

No peeking.

(CHUCKLES)

Isn't that amazing.

Oh, it sure is.

It's made of only soy, spirulina

and fermented radishes.

Uh-huh. Yeah,

swear I could've gotten some rat feces in there.

God, I think this is our wedding cake.

You know, like, when you're little

and you think of your cake,

and then you taste it and you're like,

''Aah, it's my cake''?

Yeah?

Oh, my God, don't you have to go to LSAT class?

Uh, yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna

skip this one, so...

Why?

We got a game. But you should come.

Well, see, my dress weaver is getting in from Milan tonight

and we're going to a Peruvian sweat lodge

to start brainstorming color schemes.

But also, why are you skipping class?

It's just one class.

Hmm.

Well, it's just one class, and then it's two classes,

and then it's like you're cheating on me

with my second cousin, Maevid.

Maevid?

This is our future.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just... I'll skip the game.

I'll skip the game. Okay?

Good. Better.

All right. I love you.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

For you. I love you, I love you...

I love me-you. Yeah. Loving me, me, me.

Mwah. Okay.

You taste like the cake.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Desolation!

Shield, shield, shield, shield.

(SOFT YELL)

You storming the castle?

Hey, you.

What's up?

Where are you off to?

I got an LSAT prep course.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh...

I'm assistant manager

of extracurricular activities.

Oh, so you graduated.

I did.

Four years straight through,

start to finish, you're out.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Gene, that's a level-six

sorcery violation.

One more, and I'll abscond your dwarf rubies.

My humblest apologies, fair maiden.

Carry on.

Oh, you rule with an iron fist.

Whew. Just gotta... (CLICKS TONGUE)

Yeah. I wanted to ask you

what was it like sharing a uterus

with Dick Downs?

My brother's an ass sometimes, I know.

Yeah, what's the deal with that?

He had this huge football scholarship,

and he lost it.

Oh, what happened?

Got in a car accident.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Yeah, but it was his fault.

He's a moron, but he's my brother, so..

Yeah, anyway, um,

you should come to our game tonight.

I thought you had your prep course.

Yeah, you know what?

Now I'm thinking I might skip this one.

Oh, okay. Uh,

you might need to convince me.

Um, I really think you should come.

You're gonna see a different team.

Oh, come on.

You can convince me better than that.

Be manly, like Rocky.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah.

I see. Let's go there.

That kind of... Okay.

How about, um,

(IMITATING ROCKY) Y-YO,

you should totally come to our game,

yo, seriously.

We're gonna pound their skulls like

it's raw meat.

Stop, or my mom will shoot.

Adrian!

(MUTTERING)

God, that was, uh, yeah, no...

I got a little carried away there.

That was actually surprisingly good.

Ah, thank you.

So you'll come?

(BLOWS WHISTLE) GENE!

No more quickening potions for you.

What? That's not fair. I didn't do anything.

Like hell, you didn't.

We both saw you, Gene.

Listen, I, uh... Gene.

I'll see you. Okay.

I'll see you.

I'll see you tonight. Okay.

All right. Good luck.

Well, thank you.

And in a drastic turn of events,

the Panthers are neck and neck

with the Oilers.

This is not the same team we've seen out there.

It's almost as if Coach Grant Rosenfalis

has turned the team around

with his odd, yet winning mixture

of been there done that attitude

and eclectic training devices.

It's a potent combination that never fails.

No, sir.

Almost as potent as this. Ready!

Down! Niney!

Set. Hut.

YEAH! (WHISTLE BLOWS)

(EXHALES)

Dude! You call that defense?

Back off.

Taking a T, T-time.

Caleb, come to ''T.''

Come on.

All right.

What's the play?

Triple Z.

What?

Grant, that's the play that...

I can't. You must.

You want to lead this team? Listen to me.

You're on a dinner date with fate right now,

and she keeps touching your shoulder.

Quit ordering desserts and take her home.

So what's the call?

HANK: Caleb.

What's the call?

Triple Z.

What? We haven't done that play since freshman year.

Vinnie, I need a great head fake from you.

you're getting the catch.

Everyone else, you know what to do.

I have actually no idea what you're

talking about.

Hank, you go out there, and you be

a distraction, okay?

On one. On one.

Ready? ALL: Break!

DAN: Last play.

Let's see if the Panthers can make some magic.

Ready.

Down.

Set.

Whoo! Look at me!

I'm beautiful!

Yeah, I'm the prettiest boy

in class.

Hut!

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

Throw the ball!

Fuller's gonna run it.

He's at the 40, the 30, the 20.

He could go all the way

Fuller for the touchdown.

Despite having a wide-open man,

Caleb Fuller decides to run it in.

And just like that, the Panthers are

back in business.

Whoo!

What's up? Yeah!

Yeah, man!

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoo! Whoo!

Yo, good game tonight, guys.

Way to go.

Yeah. Man, you killed it.

Good job, man. Do it like that.

Yeah, yeah.

You did great. Good night, man.

We won the flag football game because of you.

Good. Yeah.

Hank, I'll see you at home.

All right. Don't wait up.

There's a freshman thing I'm gonna go check out

Right. Okay.

(GASPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Chance.

I just wanted to say thanks for putting

the team back together.

Yeah, totally. I really needed this.

Yeah, yeah, me, too, man.

My parents don't respect my magic.

My dad won't look me in the eye.

My mom keeps forwarding me emails

about how magic's for nerds and losers.

They think I should be a doctor.

Do you want to be a doctor?

I'd rather have an asp-tongued demon

impale the shaft of my penis upon

a fiery scythe!

As seen in this painting I did last night.

Ah, okay.

Got it.

That's graphic.

What do you want to do after college, Chance?

I want to disappear completely.

Oh, like a... Like a magic trick.

No, gone completely.

Okay.

Good... Good talking to you.

(SLOW CLAPPING)

You couldn't do it, could you?

We won, didn't we?

One game.

Man, what is your problem?

You hesitated. You were scared.

Now, I know this is just a fun, kissy-pants

carousel ride for you.

I need this.

Now, look, not a day goes by

that I don't regret what happened to you.

Why? You threw the perfect pass.

Anything else, we would have

lost that game,

lost the championship.

Yeah, well, you'd still be able

to walk, wouldn't you?

It wasn't your fault!

Sure, I miss the game. I...

I used to feel so alive out there.

Wind sweeping against my hair,

the slow drain of blood into my still-working penis

to form the perfect half chub

that felt so awesome against my freshly

laundered shorts.

I just...

But those days are over.

These men need you.

Grant, it's just intramurals.

Not anymore.

You've changed things.

Getting the old team back together,

you've given these men a sense of purpose.

(HEAVY EXHALE)

You're finger blasting fate, kid.

(KISSES)

Yeah, well, what if I can't, huh?

What if I fail?

You know, Franklin Roosevelt once said,

''Any boy can piss on the floor.

''It takes a real man to crap on the ceiling.''

Can you crap on the ceiling, Caleb?

It's not a metaphor.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

You were right.

I did see a different team

out there.

What happened, huh?

Well, you know, people change.

What are you doing here?

Doesn't your, uh, uterus buddy

have a game in 10 minutes?

You're not going?

No.

Figured I'd see what you were up to.

You wanna go somewhere?

CALEB: All right, you all right?

I'm good. Whoa. Okay, you're good.

So you swear there's no crazy homeless people

living in here or anything?

Oh, yeah, I assure you.

It...

Is clean.

You all right?

I'm great. Okay.

So how'd you find out about this place?

Well, Grant and I worked here in high school.

Oh. Awesome, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Our senior year, it got shut down,

but I held on to a key, and, uh,

they never changed the locks, so here we are.

Kept a key just what, thinking maybe

you could, like, take a girl here

and flip the disco balls

and put on the sexy lights,

maybe some sweet tasty jams.

Here goes.

(BALLAD PLAYING)

Behold.

That's still pretty cool.

Even when you know it's coming,

it's still pretty cool.

Am I right?

You might be right.

♪ As long as you love me...

Hey!

Have you come to eat my brains?

What the hell? I thought you said there

were no homeless people.

I did not think there was anyone here, I swear.

Who sent you? Who?

Yeah, we didn't know anyone was here.

We're just... We're gonna go.

Like hell.

Fenton! Cheesedog!

Who intrudeth into the Thunderdome?

Minions, attack!

No, no. Whoa. Come on.

No, no. Whoa! (YELLING)

Raah! Hyah!

Whoa! LEADER: Cheesedog!

Okay. Let's go.

I am so sorry.

I'm gonna drink the inside of your face!

Yaah!

That was weird.

Yeah.

Did you see that kick? Yes, I did.

I think I knocked out some of the homeless guy's teeth.

That was amazing.

Damn, I should have grabbed some of them

for a scrapbook, or... I don't know...

I could have made you a necklace or something.

Let's go back.

I think they'd probably make us

do some pretty weird stuff if we did, so we shouldn't.

Yeah, yeah.

So I got a question for you. Okay.

What is it like graduating?

Well, um,

the ceremony was lovely.

Uh, my parents flew in from Boston.

I meant.., I mean, like um, what comes after?

Like the rest of your life?

Yeah. I mean, isn't it...

It's terrifying, right?

No, I mean, you don't have to figure it out right away.

There's plenty of time.

Yeah, I just wish it was a little more clear,

you know, like football. It's just simple.

It kind of is. It's a game of inches.

I mean, you take it one play at a time, right?

You don't think about what you're gonna be doing

in the fourth quarter when you're in the first, right?

Yeah.

Sorry.

That was lame. That was...

No. No, no, no. Oh, my God, no.

It's okay No, no, no.

Look, uh, sports metaphors,

that's... That's my love language.

Phew! (LAUGHS)

Heh.

Um...

I need to tell you something.

Uh, can you tell me after?

Yeah. Okay.

Well, look what we have here.

Hi, Dick.

It's not weird when you do that.

You do realize we're twins, Fuller.

We share DNA,

so when you're all up in her mouth space

like that,

it's just like you're doing it with me.

(LAUGHTER)

How do I taste, Fuller, huh?

Do I taste like Dick?

You taste like dick?

No. I'm Dick. Shut up.

I'll tell you what I don't taste like,

cranapple juice boxes.

I'm sorry I missed your game.

It's cool.

Just a minor sibling betrayal.

We still won despite lack

of proper hydration.

How'd your team fare, Fuller?

You put on a failure clinic

like last week?

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, we won actually.

Yeah, beat the Oilers by seven.

It was awesome.

The Oilers? Damn.

Right? They're good.

Shut up, Ace.

What are you doing?

He was talking.

He was just...

Thank you.

Hey, Dick, do you think you could

leave us alone now?

I need five more seconds of intimidation staring.

Mm, no.

Now. Fine.

But I'm telling Mom.

Oh, and, Fuller,

remember, even though you may have won tonight,

you're still gonna have to face me

and my boys again,

and we're gonna make that last game

look like a prepubescent tickle fight.

(FLICKING LIPS)

Why are you... Stop. Is that you tickling?

Tickleboy! (LAUGHTER)

Tickleboy.

TITAN: Tickleboy! Tickleboy?

Come on, brodeos.

Let's make like Lil' Bow Wow

and ball bounce.

(SIGHS) It's Roll Bounce.

That doesn't make any sense.

Rolls don't bounce. Balls do. Idiot.

It is Roll Bounce.

DICK: Come on, Ace!

Wow.

Yeah.

So, uh, where were we?

I think you said

you had something you wanted to tell me.

Nope.

No?

No.

You sure? Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Bad timing for love Yes!

Whoo! Whoo!Yeah!

♪ You caught me on your birthday

♪ I could feel your heart

♪ Break into a hundred pieces

(PANTHERS CHEERING)

♪ We were too torn apart

♪ Now it seems so senseless

♪ And if we're clever

♪ We'll put it together

♪ It may be forever

(CHEERING)

♪ We made it, made it

♪ Made it before

♪ I know that we can make it again

♪ We made it, made it

♪ Made it before...

I'm excited.

♪ We can make it again

♪ Down on my luck...

You're gonna run it?

That's how this is gonna go?

You're not even blocking.

Going right here? Come on

♪ Thought you'd given me up

♪ Like a rhyme that needs no reason

(CHEERING)

♪ I want you enough

(LAUGHING)

♪ To keep my life untangled

♪ If we are clever

Yeah!Touchdown!

♪ 'Cause it may be forever

♪ We made it, made it, made it...

(DICK LAUGHING)

What up, players? (SOBBING)

Double D, Dick Downs here. Don't do it, Dick.

Just got a full scholarship to play college ball.

And this right here is my sweet new ride...

Don't do it.

...the alumni just gave me for free.

And guess what. Right now,

got a new car, feeling like a star.

No. Let's ghost ride! (LAUGHS)

No, don't do it. Just get in the car,

and go home.

Oh. Oh. (LAUGHING)

Oh, no, no, just...

Just go dance somewhere else.

I'm gonna live forever, baby!

Oh, no. Dick is on the roof.

(GASPS) Oh, no. Ghost ride that whip.

You're on the roof.

Ghost ride that... Ohh.

Oh, no. Ahh!

(YELLS) (SOBBING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no! My leg! Aah!

Duke is gonna kill me! Get up, you pussy.

Get up, you pussy.

I got a box of steroids in the backseat of my car.

Dude, stop filming!

Go get 'em, dude!

Dick. Whoa! Ace!

I put a scrunchie on the door!

Can't you see I'm reliving my past failures to ensure

my future success?

Yeah. Sorry. I just want to let you know

the Panthers won again tonight.

They, um, made the playoffs.

Who gives a shit?

I'm just... I'm just worried.

They've gotten really good.

They're impenetrable.

(SCOFFS)

Trust me, Ace.

I'll penetrate them.

How?

Oh, I don't know.

Sneak up on them

and ruin their hopes and dreams?

Like a ghost.

Heh.

Heh.

What was that? Nothing. I was...

Get out of my room, dude! Okay.

Do you understand... Do you understand who...

Don't do that to me.

I'm gonna go.

This never happened!

(CHEERING)

Yeah! All right.

Chug time.

We did it, man!

Couldn't have done it without you.

Dude, nothing can stop us now.

Boo. Heh heh heh.

Can we join the party?

We weren't expecting the male strippers

until later.

That's funny, because you're stripped

of your ability to walk.

That is not a proportional response.

(LAUGHING)

You got a problem, Lindsay Brohan?

No problem at all, Brosario Dawson.

We were just looking for a sausage festival.

Dick, you should leave.

You know, Fuller, my sister

did always have a thing for spineless pussies

who are inadvertently responsible

for crippling their best friend.

What do you want, Dick?

I just wanted to be courteous

and introduce you to the newest member

of our team.

We recruited him a couple days ago.

Now, he's a little bit shy,

so make him feel welcome, okay?

Thad!

What is that?

Looks like a dad-gum horse from the farm.

That's Thad ''Rufio'' Johnson.

He's the toughest linebacker

in the NFL, man.

He's got seven Pro Bowls,

two Defensive Player of the Year awards

And a Super Bowl with Green Bay.

He got kicked out last year for

substance abuse.

I'm sure you all heard about the substance-abuse

controversy.

Well, with a little spare time on his hands,

Thad decided to make his gam-gam happy

and go back to college.

I ran into him a couple of weeks ago on campus,

and we hit it off!

(LAUGHS) Turns out he was looking for an outlet

for his rampant, unchecked aggression.

Dude, you can’t just recruit a former NFL superstar to be

on your football team.

Oh, sure you can. I know, because

I read the rule book

like I do an issue of Maxim.

Cover to cover on the elliptical

while watching Entourage.

And the rules state that the only qualifications

to be in the league is to be a registered student,

which Thad is. Right, Thad?

(GROWLS)

Oh, speaking of rules,

this is an official document from the university.

Should I read it aloud, Ace?

Oh, I think you should, Dick.

I think that's a good idea.

It reads, ''Dear Mr. Grant Rosenfalis... ''

That's you.

''We regret to inform you

''that due to your refusal to pay tuition,

''you are no longer a registered student

at this university.''

Oooooh.

You know what that means?

Yeah, it means I owe Caleb 10 bucks,

because we made a bet that you were illiterate.

Oh, I'm literate and I can read,

and I'm a student, unlike Grant,

and since he's on your official roster

as a team member, you're boned.

I boned you. (LAUGHS)

That can't be right.

It is.

You either have to kick him off the team

or forfeit.

CALEB: Grant.

Let me go.

Can't you do something?

Sorry, Fuller. She's an adult,

and adults do their jobs,

even when it crushes their soul.

Oh, speaking of crushing souls,

bring her in! (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Is this the...

What is my surprise? (DICK BABBLES)

I got... (SCREAMS) Oh!

(LAUGHS)

It's Caleb.

Caleb is my surprise.

VICKY: What a hard surprise. Yeah.

Mmm. (KISSES)

Heh heh, I thought you were at LSAT class.

Who's she? Who am I?

I'm the girl who gave him this thing,

which is...

Caleb, where's your ring?

This is a contract for a wedding chapel

for one Caleb Fuller and Vicky Albrects

on November 30th of this year.

You're engaged.

I prefer the term betrothed... Okay.

...and, yes, we are betrothed,

and I'm sorry. Who are you?

Who am I?

Was I just one last fling before you go?

No. Meredith...

No, thanks.

You are not a man.

You're a bacterium.

(CRYING) There's no wedding.

You're a douche. (SNICKERS)

A big douche.

(LAUGHING)

Yay!

You've been ghosted.

Care to say anything ominous before we leave, Thad?

Ciao.

In case you didn't know,

that's French for ''raising the stakes.''

Uhh!

Get out of here.

Go. Go.

Dick.

Well, Bill, one more game left until the playoffs

and the Panthers are a shoo-in

but tonight, they're not getting any favors

from the all-female team, the Maneaters.

I'm gonna euthanize your grandma!

Aah!

And with no Grant Rosenfalis,

they're not looking good out there.

♪ Ah, ah ah ah

♪ Ah ah ah

♪ Ah ah

♪ Here you are at the start

Focus.

♪ Everything is so great

♪ A new house...

They're eating men

and shitting out touchdowns.

Touchdown Maneaters!

And I'm getting more and more turned on by the second.

♪ A wife at the gate...

Wow, that does not look like the same Panther team.

Come on, Vinnie! Get your head in the game, man.

You been griping all season. Back off, Hank.

Look, I don't want to lose to a bunch of chicks.

Who you calling chicks?

Okay, sweetheart, baby-doll,

the big, strong guys are gonna have a conversation now,

so why don't you just Brosie Bro'Donnell away?

Oh! Oh!

Whoa! Oh!

Did you just punch me in the face?

Oh! Oh!

Ohh. (GASPS)

(WINCES)

I have done a lot of terrible things in my life,

but I am not gonna punch a girl!

Hyah!

Whoa! Yeah!

What the hell, man?

Hey, I said I wasn't gonna punch.

Ohh! Fight!

No, no, no, no!

What's happening? Ohh!

DAN: It's an all-out brawl!

Oh, you hate to see the game degraded to this level, Bill.

(SCREAMING) (TASER CRACKLING)

(SHRIEKS)

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

(ALL GRUNTING, YELLING)

(GUNSHOT)

(MUSIC STOPS) (COUGHING)

Who started this?

Those girls are crazy, Officer. Uh-huh.

One of 'em threatened to violate my nana.

Uh-huh. Sure, she did, son.

Sure, she did.

Damn it.

My dad's gonna kill me, Hank.

I never been to jail before. What are we gonna do?

You just gotta establish dominance as soon as possible.

Follow my lead.

What are you in for, kiddo?

Murder, grandpa bitch. Yaah!

Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(ALL YELLING, GRUNTING)

Okay, I don't want to fight.

I got no beef with anybody.

Hope you like AIDS, amigo.

(GROANS)

Why would I like AIDS?

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GUNSHOT)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Panthers...

You made bail!

(GROANS)

Yo! Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, you gonna be all right, Georgie. You hear me?

Hang in there, buddy.

Caleb?

Vicky.

I came as soon as I heard.

Have you sustained

any long-term psychological damage

during your time in the hole?

No, there's no hole.

This is a drunk tank.

Is this what the DMV is like?

Okay.

See? I told you.

I told you this would happen.

I told you you would skip class

and then you would cheat on me

with someone who looks like my cousin Maevid

and that I would

have to bail your perfect ass out of jail.

Vicky. And looky what happened.

You jeopardized our future.

What future?

(SIGHS) I spoke to Father,

and he thinks that you deserve another chance.

Vicky...

If... Okay.

If you cut it out

with this intramural football shit,

because our life together,

buster, that ain't no game.

HANK: Caleb.

Hank, I'm trying to deal with this right now

It's Grant, his trailer.

Something happened, and it's bad.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

He's dead.

Hey, guys, need you to stay back.

This is a restricted area.

Did he suffer?

Huh? Oh.

(LAUGHS) Absolutely.

Probably could have escaped, too, but, uh,

place wasn't too wheelchair friendly.

You know, I'm just a simple fireman,

but whoever inadvertently caused his paralysis

is in a way also partly responsible for his death.

But not all bad news.

I did find these at the scene.

Hey, come on, man.

It's not just a free-for-all.

They're Grant's aviators.

They're completely unscathed.

So I guess those are, like, uh,

pretty symbolic of your dead friend?

Would you shut up?

Sorry. Not my place.

Grant's dead.

He's dead.

What are we gonna do?

We have to forfeit.

Are you kidding me?

How are we supposed to play tomorrow

with Grant's death hanging over our heads?

This isn't your fault, Caleb.

I didn't say it was my fault.

Found the source of the fire. Ha ha!

It's an old laser-disc player.

Looks like he had a copy of the original Rocky

in it, too.

Ha. Great flick. Heh heh.

''Yo, Adrian!'' (LAUGHING)

Look, you guys got one more week

before the playoffs,

but you're gonna have to find another man,

because I quit.

Oh, no. No,

you can't quit, all right?

I mean, we need you.

No, you don't.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Let's let the king of the babies

give a speech to his baby servants.

''Wah wah,'' speech.

You know, there's a really scenic lake

about a mile up the way.

Could be a good place for you to somberly reflect

on your friend's life and tragic death.

I'll leave you to grieve.

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Why'd you have to leave me, Grant?

♪ No, I'm not someone

♪ Someone to love

♪ I'm not someone

♪ Someone to love

♪ It hurts you when you see me

♪ It doesn't take that much to know

♪ When you try to hide

♪ What's behind your eyes, I see

♪ What I've been missing

♪ You're acting like a stranger

(GASPS, CRYING)

♪ Walking by me on the street

♪ But how can it be

♪ Just a day you known me

♪ I'm better than you know me now

♪ Oh, I'm through with romance

♪ I've said all I want to say

♪ No, don't get...

Hey, nice job, Copperfail!

♪ I'm not looking for someone to love

♪ You're too good for me

♪ And you'll always be, oh, baby

♪ I'm not looking for someone to love

♪ When you know how to leave me

♪ Then you'll know how to please me tonight

Hey, you got that right.

♪ Some, some

♪ Someone to love

♪ Some, some

♪ Someone to love

♪ Some, some

♪ Someone to love

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Today, you are taking the Law School

Admissions Test.

You will have four hours.

Please begin.

(ALARM BELL RINGING)

Um, okay, uh, outside, everyone.

Leave the tests.

We should be able to clear this up pretty soon.

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Psst!

Psst!

Hank?

What are you doing here?

I pulled the fire alarm.

What? Shut up, man.

Come on. Why would you do that?

I had to, man. Why?

Because you can't do this, Caleb.

Hank, you and I live together.

Why don't you just talk to me then?

Because I'm a dick,

I'm totally out of control,

I'm rude, I say awful things about people,

but you've always been cool to me, man.

Hank, I appreciate you coming down here

to say that, but...

Shut up! I'm in the middle

of something.

Ah! There I go being a dick again.

Okay.

Caleb, you have to come back.

No, I can't.

Man, this team is like the closest

I've ever been to having real friends,

'cause you've given me a place that I didn't have before

a place that I belong.

These moments

are the most precious gifts we've been given,

the most sacred, and if we turn our back on them,

that is when we truly have nothing.

Is that a line from The Sisterhood

of the Traveling Pants?

Shut up! It's a great movie, man!

That's... Awesome,

and that chick from Gilmore Girls

is hot as hell, man,

and it's not because she looks like a child.

It's not a good movie.

Okay, the point is, after college,

you got your whole life figured out.

This is all I have.

(RADIO CHATTER)

Uh, I gotta go.

Did you start a real fire?

What? No it's not important.

Just be at the field at 7:00 p.m. tonight.

Vicky and I have the wedding

shower tonight.

Dude, you don't want to marry her.

There you go being a dick again.

No, man,

that's me being a friend.

OFFICER: Yeah, I've got him.

Ohh! That's me being a dick.

Oh, my God.

(COUGHING) Hey! Get back here!

Why would you do that? (VEHICLE SIREN BLARING)

Sorry for the false alarm, gang.

Please begin your tests.

(BELL RINGS)

Oh, my G.

Daddy. Is this

a diamond-encrusted serving tray?

Not only that, check the certificate

of authentication.

Ahh! You guys,

it's made with certified blood diamonds.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

I love blood diamonds.

That's not all.

Caleb, a spot just opened up at our firm.

I had to fire two janitors and a secretary to do it,

but it's yours as soon as you graduate.

Thank you so, so much.

Wooow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

All right.

Oh, Daddy.

My God what an occasion this is.

Okay, why don't we all go to the veranda

for some champagne and tofu tiramisu?

Actually, it seems as though there's

one more present.

Ooh, a mystery gift.

Plastic glasses.

That's dumb.

Who got me this?

Lame.

Okay, to the veranda we go.

No.

What do you mean ''no''?

Listen, everyone, thank you so much

for all the gifts, but, um, I can't.

VICKY: You can't what?

I have a game to get to.

I thought you were done with your intramural footballing.

I'm sorry.

I am just not ready.

It goes without saying

the job offer goes away if you do this.

Yes, sir. Thank you,

but, uh, I think I'd rather not know

my future right now.

Caleb.

Caleb, don't go.

Caleb, I'm pregnant!

(GUESTS MURMURING)

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Oh, honey, don't make this weirder.

That usually works.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Five minutes to game time,

Prancers.

It's Panthers.

I do not care.

I don't think he's gonna show.

Well, maybe we don't need him.

I wish Grant was here.

Grant is here.

He's all around us.

Caleb.

Just in time, huh?

What's up, brother? Real dramatic

Are you ready for this?

Almost.

Gotta go take care of one last thing.

What?

He just pumped us up and then left?

That's pretty badass, though.

Hey, Meredith.

I'm not talking to you.

Okay, that's fair.

You don't have to say anything.

I just want you to know that I'm really sorry

I didn't tell you I was engaged.

That's awful.

I'm sorry.

That was a difficult situation,

and I want you to know it's over now, all right?

That's great.

Look, I got you something, okay?

Is that the homeless guy's teeth?

Yeah.

How'd you get this?

Ten bucks for his teeth.

Five.

Okay.

And here you are, good sir.

We prefer direct deposit.

Like in your butt?

No, you freaking weirdo.

Just give me your email. I'll invoice you.

He had an email address?

I know. Right?

How insane is that?

Look, I know I don't deserve it,

but can you just give me another shot

to try to win you back?

And how do you plan on doing that?

You'll see.

I don't know about you, Dan,

but other than fair-trade hummus,

there's nothing in this life

I love more than intramural playoffs.

Whole Foods and Japanese hookers for me.

Caleb Fuller with the interception.

Thad ''Rufio'' Johnson is a juggernaut.

Double hit, both men down.

Caleb Fuller has the eye of the tiger.

Welcome to the pregame intramural

championship show,

Panthers versus Titans.

With me always is Bill.

Bill, the Titans have been on a tear lately

with pick-up of former NFL all-star

Thad ''Rufio'' Johnson.

Do you think that the Panthers

can stop him tonight?

Highly unlikely, Dan.

You see, had he not been kicked out,

it's likely that Johnson would have been looking

at another three years of NFL dominance.

Ah, so you're saying it's a hopeless case?

Well, according to my stepdad,

the only hopeless cases are pussy liberals

and me.

He's a mean bastard, and I don't understand

how Cheryl can stand him.

My mom's a saint, but if the Panthers

have taught us anything this season

it's that anything is possible.

All right, men, I got a few words.

It's speech time, douche bags.

The last few months have been the best

of my life,

and this team, you guys have meant

the world to me.

The majority of you,

I strongly dislike.

Chance, you have become

one of the best receivers

I've ever seen.

Randy, if you drop one pass,

I swear to God I will burn your grandmother's

condo down.

Vinnie, I've never seen a quarterback find

the open man like you.

Ace, your girlfriend is cheating on you with me.

She's ugly.

Hank, you are the single most intense player

I've ever seen.

That's very kind of you to say.

Rufio!

In all honesty, you terrify me,

so you're cool.

Jimmy, you are a beast on the field,

and you have the voice of Gabriel.

Donnie, your body is a wonderland,

and I hate you for it.

George,

you have had quite a rough go of it,

to say the least and your commitment

to this team,

while misplaced priority-wise,

inspires me to get out of bed in the morning.

I don't know your name, and I never will.

Your dad, your grandmother,

your future employer,

they may think this is stupid,

that it doesn't mean anything,

but 30 years from now,

these are the moments that we

will look back on.

If we lose, I never want to see any of you

ever again.

Screw the memories.

Winning is not everything.

Winning is everything.

I love you guys.

I'm dead inside!

Ha ha!

Let's take a moment of silence for Grant.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

All right,

let's go out there and play some football!

Yeah! Yep!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Living the dream

♪ Whatever that means

♪ It's time to come clean

♪ When you're rocking this scene

♪ I am

♪ The one

♪ Who will

♪ Take you

♪ Do ya?

♪ Do ya? Do ya?

♪ Do ya?

♪ Do ya?

(INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS)

This is it, Bill, the final dance,

the big hoorah,

the game that discerns the winners from the losers,

the wheat from the chaff,

the lingering tongue-kiss butt fondle

from the fake phone-number handshake,

and I don't think I'm making

an overstatement

when I say this is the single

most important moment

in the history of athletics.

What say you, Bill?

Well, Dan, I think you said it al

in your raving diatribe,

but I'm gonna add one more

small point if I may.

Are you ready for some football?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Steamroller!

(LAUGHS)

BILL: Fumble!

Thad ''Rufio'' Johnson recovers.

Touchdown Titans.

Unbelievable.

Hey, Fuller,

I'm glad Grant's dead. (LAUGHS)

(TITANS YELLING)

Yeah!

(ROARING)

(SCREAMS)

(WHOOPS)

(GROWLING) (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yeah! Oh, come on, ref!

DAN: And we're only five plays into this game,

and already it's a bloodbath.

And there is so much more time left

in this half.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (LAUGHING)

(TITANS YELLING)

Glory be to Dick! Yeah.

Oh, glory!

Wow, I don't know what happened,

but the rest of that half went by

much, much faster.

But still equally as intense.

You know, Dan, I don't know what happened

to this Panther team,

but they are gonna need a serious miracle.

That or an act of God.

That's what a miracle is, Dan.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What do I do, Grant?

What do I do?

Stop talking to your sunglasses,

and start playing football better.

Grant?

(WHEELCHAIR CLICKING)

Are you a ghost?

I thought you were dead.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Well, you thought wrong, thinky

But...

Your trailer and the... Your glasses?

(SIGHS) Do I really have to explain this

to you?

Yes, yes, you really have to explain this to me.

The primary turning point

in all sports movies

usually involves the untimely death

or paralysis of a key character,

quite often the coach/mentor.

I faked it.

What? Why...

Why would you fake your death?

Because that's how it's done

That's not how it's done. What are you talking about?

What reference point is that?

You don't have to fake your death

for your intramural football team to win.

This isn't about winning.

This is about winning at the last

possible second

when the chips are down

and you're holding a real hard hand

with a fistful of fate's fun-bags

and you know that if you squeeze

tight enough,

you'll get to slurp down on that sweet,

sweet glory milk.

And when you win like that,

it changes you.

So how do we do that?

Because we are getting slaughtered out there.

You gotta crap on the ceiling

That's impossible.

When you got a team beneath you,

anything's possible.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Grant said this would work!

Come on, push, Caleb!

Oh! Got... Got some in my eye. That's fine.

No, I got it!

We got it. It's okay.

(ALL SIGH)

Yeah.

Oh.

That is definitely a metaphor.

Oh, this is it for the Panthers.

Two quarters to come back

from an almost impossible 23-point deficit.

BILL: Real shame.

Chance.

Dad?

Eh, what are you doing here?

I've come to tell you to stop this foolishness,

wearing the eye makeup, doing the magic,

playing football with all these buffoons.

They're not buffoons.

They're my friends.

The application for medical school

is due tomorrow.

I filled it in.

All you have to do is sign it.

Come on, Son. Think about your dreams.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

No, Dad, your dreams.

Hey, guys,

you know who this is for?

It's for Grant.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

And the Titans receive the ball at the start

of the second half.

Oh, the clothesline!

WWE at its finest.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Right there. Get your man.

Cover one.

Red 42. Red 42.

Hut! Hut!

Oh! Unbelievable pick by Fuller.

And the Panthers are on the board

Yes! Whew!

♪ How can I see you want to sit down

♪ With all this funk going on?

♪ Just playing like in your chair

♪ Like you're not even here

♪ Just give a little push Hoo!

♪ Go on, and let yourself get loose

♪ Take the funk inside of you

♪ And make your body move

♪ Get up, get up

♪ Time to release the beast

♪ Get up, get up

♪ Ye-e-eah

♪ Get up, get up

♪ Time to release the beast

♪ Get up, get up...

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Whoo!

(CHEERING)

DAN: Unbelievable.

I've never seen a second-half

turnaround like this.

I can't remember ever seeing anything

like this,

but then again, I don't remember

anything.

I have the disease from Memento.

♪ Just give it up on the floor

♪ All I want to do is dance with you

♪ Gonna funk and rock some more...

Down!

Set!

Hut! ♪ Release the beast

♪ Get up, get up

(CROWD GROANS)

(TITANS LAUGH)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Good play, guys. Congratulations.

BILL: And with 40 seconds left,

the Titans have extended their lead to nine.

The Panthers are gonna have to create

some kind of miracle.

What do we do now, Caleb?

(MUFFLED) Caleb?

Hello?

Caleb?

(CLEAR) Caleb!

What do we do?

We win the game.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS) (WHISTLE BLOWS)

DAN: Another kick. It's a high one.

Caleb Fuller receives. A lateral!

Another lateral to the mustache.

It's like a young, skinny Burt Reynolds.

Touchdown Panthers!

(CHEERING)

(GROWLS)

Whoop whoop.

(PANTHERS LAUGHING)

BILL: I don't believe it.

Just like that, the Panthers are

back in it.

Down by two with just 35 seconds left.

If the Panthers have any hope of scoring again,

they're gonna have to execute

a perfect onside kick.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Do not screw this up!

(LAUGHING) (WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

DAN: Whew.

And that's the nail in the coffin

if I've ever smoked one.

And with 22 seconds left,

all the Titans have to do is hold on to the ball

and watch the clock run out.

But it should be noted that in intramurals,

there is no taking a knee.

The Titans have to run a play

for the clock to expire.

True, but all they have to do

is give the ball to Rufio.

And what started out as a beautiful

Cinderella story

is rapidly turning into a horrifying snuff film

for the Panthers.

Just forget about it, Caleb.

We gave it a good run, right?

Yeah, I'm happy to have played

with you guys.

Yeah. It's all been worth it.

I want to try something crazy.

They're just gonna hand the ball

That thing's unstoppable.

You're right.

We can't stop him,

but Jimmy can.

Now, you said he reminds you

of a horse on your farm?

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS)

Break. Break.

Yo, this is crazy.

Crazy enough that it just might work.

Down! Hey, guys,

it's been a pleasure kicking your ass.

(LAUGHS)

Set.

Hut.

(SINGING OPERA)

Thad, what are you doing?

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Oh!

Oh, and the Panthers get the ball with time

for just one more play.

Unh!

(CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yeah, Panthers!

What the hell was that, Thad?

The voice...

(SIGHS) It just took over.

What are you talking about, you goddamn ogre?

I got some thinking to do.

What?

No... Oh.

Oh, what are you talking about?

You don't think.

Where are you going?

Thad!

Thad!

Thad!

That's what I'm talking about.

Jimmy, that was beautiful. Okay. Here we go.

We are going Triple Z.

No. The safeties are gonna see that

coming, okay?

We run the Triple Z,

but with a slight alteration, all right?

Chance, we're gonna need something crazy

out of you, bud.

Crazy enough that it just might work.

Please stop saying that.

Right. Right. Bring it in

Come on.

Hey, stop playing grab-ass

like a bunch of little boys.

All right?

Break!

Don't mess up. Get your man.

(INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

Ready!

Set! Hut!

It's a fake!

Uh, what happened? Huh?

He disappeared between the three

and the four-yard line.

What type of devilry is this?

(CROWD MURMURING)

I love you, Son!

I love you, too, Dad!

(CHEERING)

BILL: Touchdown Panthers.

Panthers win!

Do you believe in acts of God?

Whoo!

That's my boy.

I always knew there was something magical

between three and four.

Yes!

Yeah!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

There's gotta be some rule!

I got ghosted again!

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

Dude, where did these people come from?

I don't know.

Wait. What?

Did you know we could win $100,000?

I had literally no idea.

God, everybody would have been

so much more invested.

Whoo hoo hoo!

(LAUGHING)

Do you believe?

(LAUGHING)

Look at me. He can't see.

I'm Fat Albert. He can't see.

Yeah!

How was that?

Confronting your biggest fears

in a climatic game-winning play.

Never saw it coming.

Now, that's one shitty ceiling.

Totally worth it.

In my nine and a half years of college,

I thought I'd seen it all.

I witnessed a 2,000-cup game of beer pong

that claimed the lives of seven bros.

I've seen Frisbee so ultimate,

it threatened the supremacy of God himself.

I've even seen my colleague Dan here

swallow two keys of pure Bolivian heroin

to make good on a series

of increasingly misguided cockfighting bets,

but I never thought I'd witness

such an amazing game of intramural football.

(BUBBLING)

(COUGHING) Right you are, Bill.

Right you are.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Yeah! Whoo!

You all came to our game!

Yes!

(SOBBING)

(ROCK BALLAD PLAYS)

♪ Like a calm before the storm

♪ On a lightning, hero born

♪ Born into the light

♪ Only to fight

♪ Fight for our freedom

♪ An angel gets his wings

♪ As the unknown soldier sings

♪ We're changing history

♪ By claiming victory

♪ Nothing can stop us

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's an underdog story

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's destiny

♪ When the game is all but lost

♪ And winning seems impossible

♪ It's time for us to shine

♪ With our honor on the line

♪ Send us a miracle

♪ Well, time to start the miracle

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ Love's an underdog story

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's you and me

♪ Taking it to the limit

♪ Crazy enough it just might work

♪ Crapping on the ceiling

♪ Just like Air Buds 1, 2, 3 or 5

Oh, no! No!

I want a boyfriend.

I don't want to work.

I want to have a boyfriend.

MR. ALBRECTS: Oh, honey.

That was my boyfriend! Honey...

Get me another boyfriend!

Why don't you...

(SPUTTERS)

♪ ...underdog story

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's everything

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's an underdog story

♪ No guts

♪ No guts, no glory

♪ It's destiny

BILL: Joining us now,

the League Commissioner himself,

Philip Bronson. Phil.

What?

You called me and said there was an electrical fire.

What do you think about the game so far, Comish?

I'm an employee of the university!

There is no Comish.

What's wrong with you guys?

Comish, can we get a ride home?