Original subtitles

- ♪

- BOTH: [laughing]

- And--and my father pulled his belt,

and he said to me,

"Boy, you will go to church today.

"You will enter that car with me and your mother right now,

"or I will beat you to death.

"And then we will see you there at your funeral.

Either way, we will see you there at church today."

- BOTH: [laughing]

- I like that!

- Gimme the remote, I wanna watch "Babes and Buttocks."

This the one where, uh, uh, Beula's butt explodes

in front of Geneva.

- Man, that ain't what we watching.

We watching, "Cougars Gone Wild in the Hood," man,

I love this show, man. - "Babes and Buttocks."

- Nah.

- I'm so excited to introduce you to your new roomies.

We're like one big happy family here.

- Give me the remote!

- You stepping on my private part.

- Give me the remote! - Hey, guys, guys, guys!

New resident! - Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Uh, we-- - VINNY: We was just--

- --we was practicing. - Some, uh, Senior Fu,

that's what we were doing, you know,

Senior Fu, that's all, that's all.

- Oh, for a moment,

I thought you were fighting over that idiot box.

- Oh nah, we wasn't, nah. - [laughs]

Efetobore Omowale.

- What the--wait a minute. - I don't know what that is.

- Is that-- that ain't contagious, is it?

- Mr. Brown! - That is my name.

- Oh, oh, I knew that, I knew that.

-You can call me Efe for short.

- Oh, okay, and, uh, you can call me Leroy Brown for short.

- Pleasure to meet you, Leroy.

- Oh, and, uh, nope, you don't wanna use that hand.

It's been some place all day. Um, Vinny.

Uh-huh, yeah.

- Pleasure to meet you, Vinny. - Okay, yes, uh-huh.

- Uh, so, you--you from the mama land?

- Yes, yes, I came here when I was a boy,

and never left. I assumed over 20 identities.

I got so confused,

I didn't remember my name, age, gender,

and country from which I came.

- Oh, so you snuck in? - CORA: Mr. Brown!

- You one of them kind of aliases.

- No, not anymore.

I hustled, and I did whatever was necessary,

even if it meant working my fingers to the nub.

- To the nubs. To the nub-e-ro. - EFE: I did it.

- Oh, Mr. Efe, how about I give you a tour

while Jeremy's getting your leasing agreement together?

Okay, come on, right this way. - [doorbell rings]

- We suppose to bow? - I don't know what he said.

- What you suppose to do? - Not one word.

- Oh, you just-- - You just bow.

- He said, "I work my fingers to the knob."

- VINNY: Nub. To the-- - MR. BROWN: He said knob.

Hey! Hey! - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Come here. - What's going on with you?

- What--what's your problem? - VINNY: I'm telling you,

look like you was in the spin cycle on high.

- Uh, I was--uh, I was just playing basketball.

- What they use you for

the backboard or something like that?

- Some kid at school is using me as a human target.

- You telling me somebody messing with you?

- Something like that.

- Is it something like that or just like that?

'Cuz if it's just like that then we can do something else.

- Now, how-- how big is this bully?

Is he about this high?

Like a human troll, 'bout this high?

- No, like, smaller size. - This size?

- Now look, you can't tell my dad.

- Oh, we ain't no snitches, but I'm just worried

about somebody that little whooping you.

- VINNY: --beating you up. - He's from the Eastside.

- Oh, them Eastside kids tough.

- Yeah, they short and dangerous.

- MR. BROWN: Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, oh, hey, Dad, uh, I'm gonna hit the homework.

Don't say nothing.

- Ain't nobody gon' say nothing, ain't no snitch.

- Ain't nobody no snitch. - Eh!

- I got Efe's leasing agreement.

- Well, we know he from Africa, that's all we know.

- Yeah, nothing else. - And, what that mean?

We're all God's children, alright?

Now, Mr. Brown, don't you start

that stereotyping stuff around here, okay?

- MR. BROWN: Alright.

- We ain't got nothing to be concerned about.

- I don't know about that now.

- FEMALE REPORTER: A crime operation has hit rural Georgia.

Authorities are in search of a kingpin

said to have an African accent

whose primary targets are the elderly.

Clutch your pearls, hide the Old Spice,

and keep your dentures on lockdown.

He's said to be unarmed and dangerous.

- ♪

♪ No matter what you do I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember Blood ain't ever water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪♪

- Shut up! - What,

you don't have a background check?

- I mean, I sent off for it.

Let me go talk to Leah, I'm sure everything's fine.

- I just met the man coming exiting the loo.

Uh, he handed me a towel to dry my hands.

I, uh--I tipped him. I'm sure he's perfectly fine.

- What, you know his name ain't Lou, it's Efe.

Ef--Ef--Ef--Efe! Like- - Efe, uh-huh.

I know his type, you know,

he's one of them Yahoo boys, man.

I met one, one time,

said if I give him $2500 to transfer a million dollars

from my African account to my American account,

and I, you know, be alright.

It's a scam, man, that's what it is, it's a scam.

- I've had many African friends,

I'm sure he is who he says he is.

- Okay, wait a minute, look here.

- Look him up.

- According to, uh, CrookedFolks.com--

- Uh-huh.

- It's about 27 Efe, Efe, Efe-Os on here.

Okay, well, look here, look at the first one right here.

Oh, this one own a car dealership.

Oh, he selling stolen cars. - That ain't him.

- Okay, nah, nah, okay, here go, here go another one right here.

This one right here, uh, put him own self up for adoption?

- That ain't him. - That ain't him.

Oh, this a fake, this one married his own self

so he try to get U.S. citizenship.

What kind of-- - I've presided over many cases,

there are indubitable signs of a real scammer.

One. - VINNY: Mm-hmm.

- They love to tell stories to win affection.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- You tell the best stories, Efe!

- I do, she was so fat, we had to push her in the bus,

and the bus driver said, "[unintelligible],

there's no space for someone fat like you."

- [laughs] - EFE: I said--

- Two, FOMO.

- FUBU, yeah, For Us By Us.

- No, FOMO is Fear of Missing Out.

- It's the oldest scam in the book, all players use it.

What you do is you tell a woman you leaving town,

and you ain't never coming back,

and what they do is drop them drawls every time.

They just, bloop, hit the floor, man.

Slip and all.

- Hey, hey, Efe say he willing to pay a year,

but we gotta jump on it right now.

- Oh! - For a full year.

- LEAH: This is strange. - Mm-hm.

- I called, uh, Efe's office,

and they said they have never heard of him.

- That is strange. - That is strange.

- [laughing]

This place is a perfect hideaway.

[laughs]

- I'll go and get your room ready.

- She hot.

- Where do I sign?

- You know what? [laughs]

We just don't just sign just like that, Mr. Omowale.

I am, uh, gonna, um--

I need to take you through a few more steps.

We gon' do a wellness check, how 'bout that?

Come on with me. - Oh, okay.

- Excuse me, baby. - [laughs]

- Right this way. [laughs]

- Hit me again. Nah. I dare you, hit me!

Hit me again. What? hit me--hit me--

Oh!

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

- I thought we were going to the game tonight.

- Nah, I don't--I don't-- wait, what--what--

Give me my phone! - Are you looking at girls?

"How to Beat Up a Bully for Scaredy Cats" video.

Is this about Small Pock? - Yeah.

- Okay, keyword, "small."

You know, you gotta fight back, bro.

- What am I suppose to do?

- Well, it says here to try talking to the bully first.

- Hit me again,

and the floor is gon' be your friend.

- Okay, that's not gonna work.

Number two, try giving the bully a peaceful offering.

- Well, I did let him ride my bike once.

Then he popped the tires, so I had to walk home.

- Oh, okay, number three,

try giving the bully assistance with something he needs.

- I did do his homework,

but he got a zero because I put his nickname,

and the teacher didn't recognize it.

- Okay, well, that brings us to number four.

If all else fails, run like the coward you are,

and go tell your mom and daddy.

That's all you, Philip.

- I can't tell Dad.

- I think you should.

I mean, I would jump in and help you,

but have you seen my face?

I mean, at least Dad could teach you a good pimp slap.

Good luck.

- Hit me again, and the floor--

Hit me again, and--

- ♪

- Okay, Mr. Omowale, give me a straight line.

Walk in a straight line for me.

Okay, nice, nice, nice,

now stand on one foot-- uh, your left one.

Now, can you touch your nose with one of your fingers?

Uh, the right one, I like that.

Oh, come on now!

- [groans] - Uh-huh.

Can you touch it with your left finger?

Oh try both.

Oh my god, you're doing great! Can you hop?

- Oh!

- Very good job.

- This is a very thorough wellness exam.

- Cora, Mr. Omowale is as clean as his white shoes.

- Well, we should've got that background check by now.

- Yeah.

- I say we just go down to the court house,

and see what we can find out. - Okay.

- Excuse me? - Yes?

- Excuse me? - Uh-huh, you're doing great!

- EFE: Uh-huh? - Great job!

- EFE: Okay. - LEAH: Uh-huh!

- Okay, now, what do we do? - [doorbell rings]

- I say we put him on trial.

- Oh, yeah, that-- you know what we can do?

Okay, me and you, we gon' cross examine him.

And then--and then you can probably--

we gotta try and find you a job. Oh, judge!

You think you can handle being a judge?

- I--I think I might be able to do that.

- You sure? - VINNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ready, plan, that's it,

we're doing it, okay, let's go, alright.

Alright, Mr. Omowale, come on.

Time for your entrance interview.

- One--the one thing is for sure--

- It' time for your entrance interview.

Have a seat right there, there you go.

- One thing is for sure-- - Huh?

- --if a crook was to come here,

he would surely runaway and forget the mule.

- Exhibit number A:

didn't you once state somewhere amongst where we were

to help you so help you God

that you had a lot of different names?

- Correct, uh, uh, Frederick Thugless.

- VINNY: Yeah. - Billy Dee Wilson.

- VINNY: Yeah. - Uh, Sidney Foitier.

Bo Fangles, uh, Cecily Bryson, and Mahat Bagandi.

- On a level from one to ten, what is your honesty?

Let one being the lowest, and ten being lower.

- In that case, I would have to say I'm off the chart.

- Off the chart, my brother, off the chart.

- Oh, oh, oh!

Okay, watch, I'm about to put him on the hot step.

'Cuz I'm something like a lawyer. Okay, listen up.

Exhibit A, or B, or C, whichever one I exhibit.

If you were walking along,

you were just walking along like this one day,

and you seen a hundred dollar bill.

"Oh, Lord, it is a hundred.

It is a hundred dollar bill." What would you do?

A: would you slide it so nobody could see it?

Or would you, B: would you pick it up,

and say, "Whose this, is this someone's?"

Or would you, C: say,

"Oh, Hallelujah, I done overcome my negro."

- I would choose option D, none of the above.

I would leave it there, it's not mine.

- Objection, objection, overrule!

You can't handle the truth! Look, see, he lying.

- Why? For being an honest man?

- Can the court take a recess for a bathroom break?

- Yes, you may be excused. - EFE: Thank you.

- The case dismissed-- - MR. BROWN: I say he lying.

- --for lack of evidence. - I say he lying.

- He's lying!

- Efe's room is ready.

The pillows have been fluffed,

and a framed picture of me in a swimsuit

has been mounted to the bathroom wall.

- Oh, that could be scary.

- REPORTER: The latest on our African kingpin.

Authorities now say it may be a case of mistaken identity,

and the kingpin may actually be a king

from the lost tribe of Mbutu

and said to be worth $100 million.

- ALL: $100 million!

- Oh, he a king. We rich!

- Ah! - We rich!

- [laughing]

Did you make that out of the curtains from Motel Ten?

- I wouldn't expect the uncultured

to recognize fine threads only in the presence of royalty.

- VINNY: [laughs] - Crushed velvet...

reminds me of a motel I stayed to not far from here,

where the bed vibrates. - [laughs] Told ya.

- Ah, brotha! - Nah, Brown, man.

- [speaking foreign language] - [speaking foreign language]

- BOTH: [laughs]

- No, it is no longer Brown, I have changed my name

to Africka Bambata Shabba Ranks Omowale.

I now know my tribe.

- Ah, impressive, brother. What is your tribe?

- A Tribe Called Quest, brother. - You know, Efe,

during my secondary studies, I traveled abroad.

- What kind of broads you travel with?

I bet you you traveled with thots.

- [speaking Swahili]

That's Swahili for, "The man is a fool."

- Uh, no, my friend,

you just said you have flatulence of the mouth.

What is that smell? - VINNY: That's his mouth.

- No, no, no, no, it's an aroma from my homeland.

African chicken stew, and, uh-- - And dodo.

- EFE: A dodo!

- Well, it smell like doo-doo.

- And you can wash it down

with a special drink from the motherland, Crown Royale.

- [laughs]

- And--and who are you? Queen of the Senile?

- I hope to be a queen soon,

and this is the outfit I wore

when I played Cleopatra in "Cleopatra's Bones."

- Well, uh, we can talk about that outfit later

as long as I get to handle them bones,

you know what I'm talking about? - Alright, y'all cut this out.

We need to find out if he's a real king.

We need to get his Dana. - Who?

- His--his--hiss Dana. - He--he means DNA.

He's talking about his DNA. - Saliva?

- Oh, I'd love to collect his saliva.

- Stop being nasty! You just being nasty, stop!

- We know--we can get it from his glass when he drinks,

and then we can have--uh, have Leah test it,

that's what we can do.

- Get his DNA, just get--get his DNA.

Without putting your lips on his.

- Or anything else. - What the--

- Anastasia, this is the best meal ever!

Oh, one moment, I have not finished drinking.

- Oh, there's a three swig limit.

- ♪

- [gong sounds]

- We...are here today to teach you an ancient secret

that we must know.

We are going to teach you the art of self--

[inaudible muttering]

--defense.

Stand to your feet.

What we are going to teach you today is secret.

They are so secret that I don't even know.

[inaudible muttering]

What we will learn is the art of deception.

I will show you now. Back up!

Oh, is that--look is that a woman running naked,

look right there? - Where?

- And when they look, you must apply the death blow.

[grunting]

One to the balls, one to the throat.

[coughs]--Who-- which one of y'all slapped me?

- Both of us.

- That ain't what we rehearsed, you hit--

- VINNY: That's what I rehearsed.

Look boy, you going to that game!

- But-- - But nothing,

it's like my mama use to say to me,

"He might beat your ass,

but that's an ass beating you got to take."

- That is terrible advice! - It makes a lot of sense.

- That's horrible! - It makes a lot of sense.

- We don't do that, we go out fighting,

that's what we go out doing. You don't do go out--

- You ain't got to fight that boy,

here's what you got to do.

What Vinny calls The Art of the Fart.

There's alot of technique to this, you gotta--

first of all, you gotta build one up in ya

for like weeks, and hold it up.

Then you gotta just, squat down, and fire it out, right?

And then when he's all watery eyed and everything,

and he--he can't see. You got him woozy,

and then you sucka punch his ass right there,

that's what you do.

- Stop cussing in front of this boy.

- I'm sorry, man, that's what you gotta do, man,

right in his face, man.

- I been looking everywhere for y'all,

we can't keep stalling Efe out, what are y'all doing?

- We--we teaching this boy some--

- Teaching some Senior Fu,

that's what we was teaching him, man.

- Senior fools, out! - Out?

- VINNY: [indistinct mumbling] - Who you think--like we

think we three. - Whoa!

- You--your son-- your son might not can fight,

but I can fight.

- Both of us can whoop your behind, yeah.

Eat a lot of eggs, boy!

- They, uh--they don't really know how to fight.

- Why are they trying to teach you how to fight,

what's going on?

- It's Small Pock, Dad.

- Small Po--boy, we ain't had no small pox since 1980,

what are you talking about?

- No! It's the school bully.

- Oh, okay, so why didn't you come talk to me

instead of talking to Dumb and Dumber?

- audience laughing

- I didn't want you to get mad,

and pimp slap somebody and end up back in the joint.

- [chuckles] Okay, alright. I'll take that.

I can admit I haven't been the best example around here, okay?

But, believe it or not, I've dealt with a bully or two.

So, tell me about this Small Pock.

- Well, he's small, but he packs a punch,

and he's from the Eastside.

- Okay, so what is he doing over here?

- Using me as his heavy bag.

- Alright, well, that's gonna end today, okay?

Now, first of all, being physical is not always

the best way to resolve things, okay?

Matter fact, maybe I could talk to his dad.

- Nah, he's in jail for armed robbery.

He literally stole someone's fake arm, and ran with it.

- That's not an option.

Alright, um, well, you're gonna have to outsmart him.

- Yeah.

- JEREMY: Okay, okay, let's get this handled.

- Yeah, okay. Alright, yeah, yeah, just let me know

when you get in contact with the administrator.

Okay, alright, okay, thanks, bye-bye.

- Well, a loads been lifted.

- And now we can move forward.

- Just the person we need to see.

I was able to get a swab of Efe's saliva.

- Oh, ugh! - We needed you to test it,

so we could see if he was a king.

- A king? Where did you get that idea from?

- Uh, we was watching the news,

and it said it's an African king on the loose,

so we thought it was him. - VINNY: Yeah.

- audience laughing

- Efe is clean, his background check cleared.

- I figured as much.

See, so he's not who we thought he was.

- Who did you think that I was?

- It wasn't my fault, I promise you, Efe,

it was these three stooges.

They tried to convince me that you were a scammer,

and I knew you weren't.

And then, there was a story on the news

that said that there was an African king loose,

and so they wanted me to get your saliva

so that they could check to see if it was you.

- She lying! - She lying!

She's a damn snitch, she's a damn snitch!

- CORA: Would you stop cussing? - LEAH: Please?

- Is that right?

- Oh, we are so sorry, Mr. Efe. We--we just--

- Is it because I'm African, right?

- Yeah. - MR. BROWN: Yeah.

- That's okay,

I get that stereotype all the time.

It's just that usually

I'm mistaken for a very famous Harvard trained gynecologist.

- You did, you did? - Mm-mm-mm-mm.

This is why you have to be careful not to stereotype

and get to know people for ourselves.

You can't believe everything that you hear or see on TV.

They show black men as thugs, but it is not true.

We are good, hard-working,

God fearing, loving, intelligent people.

- MR. BROWN: Yes, Lord.

- Mr. Omowale is a-- a car dealership owner.

He's well respected.

- And, you know what,

that CrookedFolk.com, that's a satire site;

none of that stuff on there is real,

stay off of there. - Not real.

- Well, could you ever forgive us for stereotyping you?

- Of course, I forgive you. We are all stupid sometimes!

- Well, if I can say this,

uh, welcome to the Pleasant Days family!

- Welcome! - Welcome!

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

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