Original subtitles

(movie projector sounds)

(upbeat music)

(thunder)

(thunder)

(ominous music)

(birds)

(ominous music)

(truck)

(ominous music)

(keys jingling)

Patty:Goddamn son of a bitch. (mumbling)

(door creaking)

(ominous music)

(gasp)

(dramatic music)

Patty:Oh my God Claude!

Oh my God Claude, are you all right?

Hospital clerk:Your name?

Patty:Claude Monet.

(typing)

Hospital clerk:That's M-O-N-E-Y?

Patty:(snickering) Hardly.

M-O-N-E-T.

Claude:As in the French painter?

Hospital clerk:Social security number?

Patty:Look, he doesn't remember anything

except maybe art history.

Hospital clerk:Ask him if he has his social

security card in his wallet.

Patty:Look, he's dumb not deaf.

Check your pocket.

Great.

Doc:Well Claude, you're a very lucky man.

Aside from singeing your hair and burning your scalp

and leaving its calling card on your back

the lightning seems to have done very little

damage.

Claude:But what about my memory?

Doc:Oh, that's not unusual in cases like this.

Claude:But I can't even remember my own name.

Doc:Well, didn't Patty tell you?

It's Claude Monet.

Claude:M-O-N-E-T.

Doc:Oh, give it time Claude.

Your system has had quite a shock.

Do you have any idea how many volts you took?

Me neither, but it's safe to say that you blew a circuit.

Look, I want you to take it nice and easy for

the next few days.

After that, well the sooner you get back to a normal

life the better.

Claude:Normal? How am I supposed

to know what that is?

Doc:Look, I want you to come and see me

at my office in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, well Patty here can fill in

the blanks.

Won't you Patty?

(truck)

Claude:So, tell me -

Patty:Tell you what?

Claude:About my normal life.

Patty:Normal is not a word I would use to

describe your life.

Claude:What word would you use?

Patty:Abnormal maybe?

Okay listen, I'm going to make this quick.

You think you're such a wonderful lover.

Truth is I've had better.

I'm going to cut to the chase.

Claude:That wasn't the chase?

Patty:Your mother died and left you the farm.

That was about six months ago.

Left you the bakery too.

It's on First and Fenton, Mother Monet's.

Of course you hate the place.

As far as you're concerned the French can

shove their pastries up their ooh la las.

But then the money ran out and you had no choice.

Of course you could sell your precious car,

but then what would you have left to brag about.

You're kind of a mean son of a bitch.

You have a dog named Rowdy.

You're mean to him too.

You keep him in a broom closet for God's sake

like he's some kind of dust pan or something.

Don't you remember anything?

(truck)

Claude:So, what about my father?

Patty:You don't have a father.

You're a clone.

Oh, I'm kidding.

All I know is he did the deed and left.

Claude:The deed?

Patty:You know, the old wham, bam thank you

ma'am and don't call me with test results.

Claude:Well, what about you and me?

Patty:You and me?

Claude:Well, from what you said I get

the feeling that there is a you and me.

Patty:Not anymore there ain't.

Claude:Well if there ain't a you and me anymore,

what were you doing at my house this morning?

Patty:I was returning your key.

Claude:And did you?

Patty:Did I what?

Claude:Did you return my key?

Patty:Time flies when you're having fun.

I really have to go.

Claude:I hope you don't mind me asking this,

but did you break up with me or did I

break up with you?

Patty:You haven't had a smoke all day.

Claude:Thanks for -

(truck)

- everything.

(ominous music)

(buzzing)

(water running)

(ominous music)

(water)

(ominous music)

(kettle whistling)

(rooster crowing)

(ominous music)

(vacuum cleaner)

(ominous music)

(bottles crashing)

(ominous music)

(water running)

(ominous music)

(garage door opening)

(engine trying to start)

(engine trying to start)

(dramatic music)

(car engine)

(paper rustling)

(knocking)

Officer Frank:Driver's license.

Claude:Uh, I'm really sorry to tell you I

don't know what I did with my wallet.

Officer Frank:Well gosh, I'm real sorry too.

Claude:No, you don't understand.

You see what happened is I lost my memory.

I got struck by lightning just right here

on top of my head.

Officer Frank:Huh. Well, I guess that's as

good an excuse as any, Claude.

But, if you don't have that left brake light fixed

the next time I see you, I'm going to have to

forget my feelings for your dearly departed mother

and slap you with a ticket.

Capish?

(upbeat music)

(car door)

(tinkling music)

(bell)

Claude:Good morning.

Or maybe not.

So, who's in charge here?

Feodore:You are, Mr. Monet.

Claude:Yeah, well I knew that but -

I'm sorry what was your name again?

Feodore:(stuttering) Feodore.

Claude:That's Feodore with an F?

Pearl:Mr. Monet, you know very well

Feodore has a speech impediment.

Are we closing our doors?

Because if we are I'm going to need notice

and severance too.

Claude:And your name was?

Pearl:And still is, Pearl.

Is something the matter, Mr. Monet.

You seem a little -

Claude:So, how long have you worked here, Feodore?

Feodore:About a year, I guess.

Claude:How about you?

Pearl:His name is Lou and he's been about

three weeks to the day.

Claude:Well, welcome aboard.

What?

Pearl:Lou gave his notice last Friday.

Claude:Why'd you do that?

Pearl:Maybe because you never remembered

his name.

Claude:Okay. I think I need to make a general

announcement here.

Seems I was in a little accident, short-term

memory loss, long story.

The doctor says it will all come back,

but in the meantime I'm going to need your help.

So, I assume we hired someone to take Lou's place.

Pearl:No, no one applied.

Claude:Mmm.

Mmm.

(bell)

(rustling paper bag)

Pearl:Don't eat them all in one place.

Georgette:Poor boy.

George:I've never seen the likes of it.

Claude:Regulars?

Pearl:George and Georgette, been married

about 50 years.

Claude:Want to bet they die together

in their sleep.

Now what?

Pearl:The neighbor found them in their bed

unconscious a couple of weeks ago.

Carbon monoxide poisoning.

They've made a pretty remarkable recovery.

So, while you're here Mr. Monet -

Claude:Just call me -

Pearl:Claude?

Claude:Claude. Right. Claude Monet.

Pearl:Well, Claude Monet while you're here what

are we going to do about replacing Lou at the

register?

(upbeat music)

Claude:Rowdy. Hey!

(dog whimpering)

(upbeat music)

(scrubbing sounds)

(upbeat music)

Pearl:I didn't know you spoke French.

Claude:I don't.

At least I don't think I do.

Just thought it would be nice if we made

a point of learning.

I mean this is a French pastry shop, isn't it?

Pearl:French enough.

The pastry chef was trained at the Cordon Bleu.

Claude:You in Paris?

Pearl:Uh, New York.

Your mother sent me.

Claude:No kidding.

Pearl:First class all the way.

Said it was because I was a first class human being.

Claude:So, does anybody ever come in this place?

Besides Feodore?

Pearl:People used to come in all the time when your

mom was alive.

Claude:So, what's changed?

Pearl:Let me put it this way.

It's not the pastries.

Claude:So Feodore, what do you think Mother Monet

would do in this situation, I mean if she were still alive?

Feodore:(stuttering) What's the situation again?

Pearl:No customers.

Feodore:Oh. I don't know Mr. Monet.

I guess she might have asked us what

(stuttering) we thought.

Claude:What you fought?

Pearl:She would have asked us for our input,

our ideas, what we thought.

Claude:Okay. Do we have any bright ideas?

Feodore:Home delivery.

Claude:Pearl?

Pearl:I think it would be really useful to have a

pastry giveaway day.

Try them for free and come back for more if you

like them.

And I had another idea for a reject pastry tray.

Claude:Okay Pearl, but just to clarify when

you say reject pastry tray, you mean a tray of

rejected pastries or a tray of pastries for rejects?

Pearl:Oh brother. You know, another thing

we can't take in money if we don't have anybody

to ring up the purchases.

I'm a chef, Mr. Monet. I'm not a cashier.

Claude:Well, then you should be happy to know that

I've found someone.

Someone who likes your pastries and happens

to need a job.

Somebody who doesn't have much else to do until

he figures out his own life.

Pearl:When do you start?

(bell)

Claude:Apple, chocolate or marzipan?

Apple, chocolate or marzipan?

Man brown shirt:Chocolate please.

Claude:Apple, chocolate or marzipan?

Woman in sweater: Marzipan please.

(bell)

Claude:Apple, chocolate, marzipan?

Man black shirt:Apple, please.

Male voiceover:Must be the lightning.

Claude:Apple, chocolate, marzipan?

Man black jacket: Um, chocolate please.

(bell)

Claude:Apple, chocolate or marzipan?

Um, get them while they're still hot.

Is there a problem?

Felix and Rufus:Marzipan.

Pearl:Those are the Meringue brothers.

Claude:The name rings a bell.

Do I know them?

Pearl:I'm not sure. How well can you know

somebody playing poker with them every Saturday night.

Claude:Why do I get the feeling that I poisoned

their cat?

Pearl:Thanks for stopping by.

You slept with their sister, regularly.

She's your main squeeze if you weren't aware of it.

Claude:We're not talking about Patty are we?

Pearl:Why, how romantic of you to remember her.

Claude:How could I forget her?

She gave me a ride home after the hospital the other day.

We're not together anymore you know.

It seems we broke up before the lightning strike.

Pearl:Normally the lightning bolt comes first and

then the stormy breakup.

Claude:Well, apparently I'm not a very normal guy.

Pearl:You said it. Not me.

(ominous music)

(French CD)

Claude:(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(dog barking)

(ominous music)

(thud)

(sighs)

(dog bark)

(ominous music)

(opening drawers and cabinet)

(ominous music and crickets)

Claude:Rowdy!

Here boy!

(whistling)

What are you up to buddy?

(gasp)

(ominous music)

(leaves rustling)

(dog bark)

Rowdy go on. Get out of here!

(dog bark)

(leaves rustling)

(ominous music)

(scream)

(woman speaking on phone)

(thunder)

(crickets)

(doorbell)

Officer Frank:Claude!

(doorbell)

Claude:Rowdy no. Come back here.

Dammit.

(thunder)

(rain)

(door slamming)

(doorbell)

Officer Frank:Evening Claude. Evening Rowdy.

(dog bark)

Everything okay here?

Claude:Everything okay?

Officer Frank:I asked you first.

Do you mind if I come in out of the elements?

Seems we got some kind of 911 call

from this address.

Was that you Claude?

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Claude:Me? Heck no.

It was just - 911? Oh.

I bet I know what happened.

Officer Frank:Well, don't keep me in suspense.

Claude:Well I was just trying to reach information.

I probably just misdialed.

Officer Frank:Yeah. Happens all the time.

I just wanted to make sure you and Rowdy were okay.

Claude:We're fine.

Officer Frank:You know I heard what happened

to you, the lightning and all.

Sorry I didn't believe you the other day,

but well we both know how you can be sometimes.

How's that memory coming, huh?

Claude:Slow.

Officer Frank:You remember me?

Claude:You're the one who told me to get

my brake light fixed.

Officer Frank:Before that I mean.

Well, don't worry about it.

The name's Frank if that helps any.

Do you mind if I have a look around?

For your own protection.

(light switch)

Mind if we take a quick look outside?

(thunder)

(crickets)

(thunder)

(thud)

Ow! Shit! I think you ought to put your

tools away, Claude.

A man could get killed out here stepping on the

wrong piece of equipment.

Claude:Maybe we should just go back inside.

Officer Frank:I've been worried about you Claude.

Ever since they told me what happened.

Folks say you're different now,

but somehow that worries me too.

People don't just up and change overnight.

Of course a bolt of lightning is a pretty powerful thing.

An act of God you might say.

Lord knows your momma always hoped you would

change your ways someday.

(thunder)

Are you sure you're okay?

Because you don't look okay.

Claude:Like I said, I was just trying to get a phone

number.

Got a craving for pizza with anchovies.

Officer Frank:With anchovies?

I don't know Claude, that don't sound too

okay to me.

Besides, you know there ain't no decent

pizza in this town.

Or maybe you don't remember that either though.

Claude:No Rowdy, bad boy. Go on. Back in the house.

Officer Frank:Let him be, Claude. He's okay.

Well looky here.

Didn't you say you lost your wallet?

Don't thank me until Christmas comes around,

but I think I found it.

(thunder)

If that ain't one of the ugliest mug shots

I have ever seen.

Well I can't blame you for wanting to lose it,

but put it someplace safe this time.

Okay?

Well, I guess we've just about covered it

don't you?

Claude:Absolutely.

Officer Frank:I tell you what, I'm going to let you

go inside.

The next time you get a craving for anchovies,

take a cold shower instead.

(ominous music)

(rain)

(ominous music and rain)

(sighs)

(ominous music)

(howl)

(rustling leaves)

(ominous music)

(thud)

(hopeful music)

(groan)

(ominous music)

Claude:Why?

(ominous music)

(trash can lid)

(upbeat music)

Doc:Well it's healing up very nicely.

Let's take a look at that back.

Did I dream it or were you struck by lightning?

Claude:Why?

Doc:Well, looking at your back it's like

it never happened.

How's the memory coming.

Claude:It's not.

Doc:No backflashes or sudden recall?

Claude:It's just that it's -

Well, it's hard to tell what's a backflash and -

Doc:Just give it time.

Well, your vitals are good.

Claude:Then how come I can't remember anything?

I mean I can't even remember my own family.

Doc:About your mother, you mean?

She had her work cut out for her.

Raising a kid like you all by herself,

what with the farm and keeping the bakery going

and all that.

Why, she even sent you to college in spite of it.

Claude:It's okay Doc. I mean I can take it.

Doc:I delivered you with these two hands.

Well, I guess that gives me a kind of right

to speak my mind.

Claude:Well go ahead. Lay it on me.

I mean what was I like?

Doc:Before the lightning struck you mean?

Well, I don't know.

You were a little intimidating.

Claude:That's it? Intimidating?

Doc:Pretty much.

Claude:What about my twin brother?

What was he like?

Doc:What are you talking about?

Claude:You know my brother, the one that I -

Well, I just get this feeling that I'm not

an only child, Doc.

Doc:I hope this isn't too disappointing to you,

Claude, but as far as I know you're it.

Mother Monet's one and only.

(sighs)

(ominous music)

(door shutting)

(ominous music)

(knocking)

Patty:What do you want?

Claude:It's me, Claude.

Patty:I have eyes don't I?

Baby sick today?

The muscle car?

Claude:Oh, I don't know.

It just wasn't me.

Patty:It was sure enough you when you bought it.

Claude:Can I come in?

Patty:No.

Claude:Thanks.

Patty:Don't make yourself too comfortable.

Claude:Thanks for driving me to the hospital

the other day.

Patty:Yeah, no problem.

Now, what do you want?

Claude:Well, I'd like to talk about what happened.

Patty:What happened to what?

Claude:What happened to me.

Patty:How should I know?

Maybe your mother dropped you on your head

when you were a baby. Claude:I mean the other night.

Patty:What night?

Claude:The night I got struck by lightning.

Patty:There you go. You said it yourself.

You were struck by lightning.

Claude:Why do I get this feeling you're holding

out on me?

Patty:Now, why would I do that?

Claude:You tell me.

Like why do your brothers run the other direction

every time they see me?

Patty:Well, I don't know Claude.

Maybe they owe you money.

Listen, I don't have time for this.

We are through or do you not remember

me telling you that? Claude:You told me.

Patty:Well then what's the problem? You don't believe me?

Claude:What I'm having a hard time believing is that

I was ever attracted to you in the first place.

Patty:Oh yeah? Well trust me baby. You were!

(French music)

Pearl:Come back and see us.

(bell)

You're late by about three hours.

Claude:It's my shop, Pearl.

I can be late if I want to.

Pearl:I'm not a cashier. I made that clear to you.

Claude:I'm sorry. Okay?

Pearl:Just don't blame me if things don't

balance at the end of the day.

You look like death warmed over by the way.

Something going on I should know about?

Whatever it is, taking it out on my eclair is not

going to help you.

Claude:Let me ask you something.

Were you like this around the old Claude,

the Claude that everybody was so afraid of?

Pearl:Like what?

Like myself?

Claude:Well, did he let you get away with it?

Pearl:They weren't afraid of you exactly.

Claude:Well, did he?

Pearl:It was that they didn't like you,

and yes I was like this.

I'm always like this.

Your mother liked me.

Claude:I wouldn't read too much into that if I

were you.

From what I gather she liked pretty much everybody.

Pearl:And is there something wrong with that?

Claude:So, after she died why didn't Claude,

the old Claude I mean, the Claude that everybody

didn't exactly like, why didn't he just fire you

for mouthing off?

Pearl:For insubordination you mean?

Claude:For insubordination I mean.

Pearl:Because of the ace in my pocket.

I'm a hell of a pastry chef and he would have had

a hard time -

You would have had a hard time replacing me.

Claude:No one is irreplaceable.

Pearl:Well I am.

Claude:Where is Feodore?

Pearl:Having lunch. I was just about to take mine.

Care to join me?

Claude:So, refresh my nonexistant memory.

Is pastry cheffing a passion of yours or are

you just in it for the money?

Pearl:Oh, yeah right.

I'm from a food-loving family.

My mother always said, "Never trust a skinny cook."

Claude:As she piled on the mashed potatoes and gravy?

Pearl:(negative sound)

She was always a dessert fanatic.

Strawberry rhubarb pie, apple bourbon cake,

profiteroles.

Me, I just love abundance.

I'll cook a meal for you sometime.

You'll see what I mean.

Claude:So, do you have some kind of a food

addiction?

Pearl:Love affair.

It's not a disease.

Claude:So there's a difference?

Pearl:How about we call it an obsession?

Would that suit you?

Claude:Why an obsession?

Pearl:Because it's always there, in my dreams,

in my thoughts.

Take last night for instance.

I was in a creative cooking class, in my dream

I mean, and we had to come up with unique ways

of serving food.

So I came up with this idea of serving asparagus

spears from a cigarette box, and yes I admit

my dreams reflect a certain affinity for life's oddities.

Claude:Well, don't feel too bad.

I've been having some pretty weird dreams myself lately.

Pearl:I'm a good listener.

Come on. Give me a chance. I dare you.

Claude:So, who analyzes you?

Pearl:You are hedging, Claude Monet.

Come on! Is it really that hard to put

your psyche on the table?

Claude:Yeah, said the obsessed pastry chef waving

a knife in my face.

(sighs)

It's just that sometimes I have a hard time

distinguishing between dreams and reality.

Pearl:Sounds serious, but don't let me stop

your momentum.

Claude:Well, there was a body.

Pearl:A nightmare, just one body?

Claude:How many bodies would you like?

Pearl:Was it anyone you know? You perhaps?

Claude:Why do you ask that?

Pearl:Well, even if it wasn't, it probably was.

It always is, in the deepest sense I mean,

according to Sigmund Freud.

(groans)

Where are you going?

You haven't even had dessert?

Claude:I just, um -

Thank you for lunch. The salami was -

Pearl:Really? I thought it was dry.

What's your hurry anyway?

Claude:I - Well I - I forgot -

Pearl:Hey, go easy on yourself.

You have amnesia.

Claude:I need a haircut.

(upbeat music)

Georgette:Look George. Look who's here.

(door slam)

Receptionist:Hello.

Claude:Hi. I'm here for a -

Roger: A manicure I'd say.

Claude:I don't think I've ever had a manicure before.

Roger:You're telling me.

Claude:So, do I know you?

Because I get this feeling -

Well I guess you already know who I am.

I'm the guy that owns the pastry shop next door,

the guy with amnesia.

Roger:Oh, right. That guy.

Guy:Recollection zero?

Roger:Apparently.

Claude:Does everybody in this town know my

entire life story?

I mean am I the only guy that doesn't know

my own birthday?

Roger:You want to know what I think?

Guy:I think maybe you were never born.

Claude:I think I'll pass on the polish.

Roger:Maybe you're from another dimension.

Guy:Another planet maybe.

Claude:So, is that why you want to put pink

polish on my nails?

Because I'm from another planet?

Guy:The portal never lies.

Claude:What the hell does that mean?

Roger:It means you were never born.

Claude:Yeah, okay. Now you're starting to freak me out.

Would everybody just leave my eyeballs

alone?

Roger:You walked in, Claude.

Don't you remember?

Claude:Yeah, the sign on the door said

walk-ins welcome. So I -

Roger:You're not a real man.

Guy:You're a walk-in.

Claude:A walk-a-what?

Guy:When you're brushing your teeth,

does the toothpaste explode in your mouth

like Mount St. Helens?

Roger:Or maybe like an oral bubble bath.

Guy:Yeah, and what about alcohol?

Claude:What about alcohol?

Guy:We're just trying to help.

Roger:Just check the portal.

You'll see.

Claude:Check the port-

All right, enough with the crazy-ass jokes.

Don't you think it's hard enough not remembering

my own name without all -

Guy:Behind your ear, Claude.

Roger:Your right ear.

Guy:Do you feel it?

Claude:Feel what?

Roger:Oh, you feel it don't you?

(laughing)

Guy:Hard. Round. Sensitive to the touch.

Claude:I don't feel anything, except a growing urge

to get the hell out of here.

Roger:No portal?

Claude:Go figure.

Roger and Guy together: A super morpher?

(laughing)

Claude:That's it, I'm out of here.

I can't believe I came in here in the first place.

Guy:You came here because you had to.

Roger:You were homing.

Claude:You guys are certifiable. Okay?

Not only that but I didn't ask for nail polish,

but if I did it certainly wouldn't have been

pink passion.

Roger:We're here to help you Claude.

Don't you ever forget that.

Claude:Just save your crazy-ass jokes

for Halloween.

Pearl:Your hair looks the same.

Claude:Yeah, I got a manicure.

That and a headjob.

What I mean is um -

Listen, do you still want to make me that

home-cooked meal?

(music)

Pearl:I thought I was the foodaholic?

Grab a dish towel Mr. Monet.

Real men do dishes.

Or don't they where you come from?

(music)

You never finished telling me about your dream.

Claude:I thought I did.

Pearl:No, there was a body.

That's a very compelling beginning,

but it ain't no three-act play.

Claude:You missed a spot.

Pearl:Huh?

Come on.

There was a body. What else?

Did you see the face?

Claude:Yeah, I saw the face.

Pearl:And?

Claude:And you were right. It was me.

Pearl:Dreams should not be interpreted

too literally. You know?

Say, you saw your own body, maybe it was your

subconscious telling you to lay rest to the past

or reinvent yourself, even the Claude Monets of the

world deserve a second chance.

Um, having you over here, I don't want you to think

for a second that -

(heavy breathing)

I don't know what happened to you Claude,

but all I can say is you should get struck by

lightning more often.

(kissing)

Claude:What? You didn't like me before?

Pearl:Let me put it this way, I hated you.

(kissing)

Claude:How did I feel about you?

Pearl:Um, let me think.

Yeah, you hated me too.

There is something about you Claude Monet.

Claude:Well, there's something about you

too Pearl -

Pearl:Glombecki.

Claude:Glombecki, right.

Pearl:That's so odd.

Claude:Why are you stopping?

Pearl:This is going to sound terribly unromantic,

but I can't find your belly button.

Claude:Is there some reason you need to

find my belly button?

Pearl:Maybe it's a birth defect?

That makes no sense.

Maybe you had some kind of corrective surgery.

Liposuction maybe?

Claude:On my navel?

Pearl:No, I mean sometimes they remove them as

part of the process, and then maybe they forgot

to carve you a new one.

I don't know.

I spoiled it didn't I?

Claude:By pointing out that I don't happen to

possess your basic belly button?

Pearl:Where? Where are you going?

(upbeat music)

Claude:Hey look! It's my poker buddies!

Rufus!

Felix!

Pearl:What is it with you and the Meringue brothers?

I don't get it.

What's the attraction?

Claude:How should I know?

Pearl:Well, you're not like them.

Not on the inside.

Claude:Says who?

Pearl:I don't know, a fairly reliable judge of

character.

Claude:So, are you saying that I'm like them

on the outside?

(groaning)

Pearl:What's going on Claude?

Claude:Now, there's a good question.

Pearl:One minute you're behaving like a fairly

normal human being searching for your navel,

but fairly normal and then the next you're acting like

Claude:Just forget about all that. Okay?

I want one night, just one single night where I can

forget about all of this.

Pearl:All of what?

Claude:This. Bodies and portals and navels.

I just want one night to relax.

One night where I can forget about all this.

Is that okay with you?

Pearl:I thought forgetting was the problem?

Claude:It is.

Stop confusing me.

(music)

So, how is your retirement fund coming along?

Better than mine I hope.

Pearl:You know, I think I'm going to go.

Claude:Keep the change.

Pearl:Rumor used to have it Claude,

that you could drink anybody under the table.

Claude:What a guy huh?

Pearl:You've had one beer Claude.

My hamster could outdrink you.

Claude:Yeah, but can he run around on that little

treadmill like I can?

(laughing)

Rufus!

(music)

Rufus:What do you want asshole?

Felix:Yeah asshole what do you want?

Pearl:Guys, give him a break okay.

He's had a little too much to drink.

Rufus:Yeah.

Felix:Yeah, that'll be the day.

Claude:I just want to ask my friends a couple of

questions to see if they can jog my memory.

Pearl:I thought you didn't want your memory jogged?

Claude:Don't you get it Pearl?

I have amnesia.

Felix:What's the question asshole?

Claude:The question is this.

If you think I'm such an asshole, why do you

play poker with me?

Every Saturday night you and me and you -

Rufus:You ain't fooling no one Claude

because I know that you don't remember nothing

about nothing.

Claude:Okay, you're right I don't remember

nothing about nothing, but I'd like to.

I really would.

So sit down. Scoot over honey.

Pearl:Don't call me honey.

Claude:Come on baby, make room for Hercules.

We need to talk mono to mono.

Pearl:I'll call you a cab.

Rufus:The name's Rufus asshole.

Claude:The name's not asshole, asshole.

Felix:Should I drop him?

(punch)

(thud)

(ominous music)

(footsteps)

(ominous music)

Claude:You guys kidnapping me?

Roger:We're taking you home.

Claude:Your home or mine?

Guy:Relax Claude.

Claude:What do you mean relax?

I can't go home with you, not without my dog.

Wait, is this my truck?

Guy:Relax Claude.

Everything is under control.

Claude:Said the crazy man at the wheel.

Roger:Don't worry about a thing.

Claude:Why would I be worried?

Roger:Believe me, by now the body is curdled.

Claude:Oh good, because I was really

worried about that.

So, when you say curdled -

Guy:Oh, it will come back to you.

Roger:Just give it time.

Claude:Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, I know.

Give it time, major shock to the system,

blew a circuit, blah, blah, blah.

Do you guys have any idea how many volts I took

from that lightning?

Guy:Well it's like 100 million or a billion.

I don't know.

Roger:Give or take.

Claude:Really?

So when you say curdled?

Wait, how do you guys know about the body?

Roger:Where there's a super morpher,

there's a body.

Guy:It's a universal equation.

Claude:Are we home yet?

Roger:Sweetie you don't look so good.

Oh! (vomiting sounds)

Oh. Oh I don't want to see that.

Claude:My bedroom.

(sighs)

Lousy goddamn manicurists.

(kiss)

(footsteps)

(wheel squeaking)

(cabinet door)

(pouring)

(swallowing)

(French music)

No rejects today?

What are you perfect?

Pearl:Afraid so.

Mrs. Bloom:Hello Claude.

Claude:Good morning Mrs. Bloom.

Two croissants and a short baguette?

Mrs. Bloom:You remembered.

Claude:See you tomorrow.

(thud)

(bell)

Feodore, would you mind sweeping out the back room?

Feodore:I did already, three times this week.

Claude:Well would you mind making it four?

So, I wanted to talk to you.

Pearl:I wanted to talk to you too.

No word of the day today?

Claude:I seem to be drawing a blank.

I mean a bigger blank than usual.

Pearl:Maybe that'll help.

I'm nosey, okay?

So, what's it all about?

Claude:I don't know.

Just trying to get to the heart of the eternal

question I guess.

Pearl:So, did she?

Claude:I'm sorry?

Pearl:Did she ever return your key?

Claude:That's not what I meant by

the eternal question.

Pearl:I know. I was just wondering.

Claude:Listen, can we just forget about all that?

All I wanted to say was whatever I did or said last

night, I'm sorry.

I honestly don't know what got into me.

Pearl:A light beer, that's what.

Claude:I mean do you have any idea what it's

like to have a blackout on top of amensia?

Pearl:Dark?

Claude:It's like looking at a blank page with a big

gaping hole in the middle.

Pearl:I see. Sort of.

Claude:Anyway, I want to make it up to you.

So just tell me how I can make it up to you.

Pearl:You can't. That's not what I wanted to

talk to you about anyway.

Claude:It isn't?

Pearl:I just wanted to talk to you about Feodore's

home delivery idea.

Feodore:Is there a problem?

Pearl:It's a great concept, really.

Feodore:But what?

Pearl:But you can't go around delivering a loaf

of bread like the Sunday newspaper.

You're going to injure someone.

Claude:The Sunday paper?

Feodore:It was just a test run Mr. Monet.

I just delivered to a few key people.

That's all.

Claude:Okay. Like who?

Feodore:Like you and Pearl.

Claude:Okay maybe we should just hold off

for a while until we perfect the system.

But keep those ideas coming.

So, how about it? Tonight my place?

Pearl:I don't know Claude.

Sometimes when you have to try too hard

to make something happen you just have to accept

that it isn't going to.

Claude:True, and sometimes you just have

to try a little harder.

(crickets)

(knocking)

Come in.

Pearl:It was in your bushes.

(pouring)

Claude:I found it that way the day

Patty took me to the hospital.

She was a good woman.

Pearl:Patty?

Claude:My mother.

Pearl:You're starting to remember her?

Claude:No, but that's what people tell me.

So, I'm glad you decided to accept my apology.

Pearl:Yeah, well maybe you're not the only one

who should be apologizing.

Claude:You? What for?

Pearl:You know, the whole missing belly button thing.

I should have just kept my mouth shut, except -

Claude:Except that you can't.

Pearl:Well, did you ever find it?

I mean did you ever figure out what happened to

your birthright?

Claude:I'm working on it.

Pearl:And?

Claude:You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Pearl:Ever since I saw a giraffe clean its ear

with its tongue, I'll believe anything.

Claude:Do you ever wonder how the hell

you got here?

Pearl:Here?

Here?

No. Here. Me. Okay.

Um, no. Not really. I mean I pretty much know.

It was a cold and windy night and my parents

did the mamba after eating squash soup,

and nine months later there I was.

Claude:But did you ever think maybe there are

other ways of getting here.

Pearl:I'm open, but if there are what are they?

Claude:That's just it. I don't know.

Pearl:Throw something out there.

Claude:Okay. Well, maybe space is fertile

territory.

It's like a giant womb giving birth to all kinds

of different creatures through all kinds of

different creative means.

Pearl:Other than the mamba you mean?

Claude:Maybe there are aliens among us?

Pearl:Got anything to eat in this house?

Sorry about interrupting your train of thought

back there.

Claude:Sorry for not having any butternut squash.

Pearl:Getting hungry?

(heavy breathing)

(moaning)

(things falling over)

(heavy breathing)

(fan blades)

(gunshot)

(scream and thud)

Claude:I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

Pearl:What the hell is wrong with you?

Claude:I've got to go.

Pearl:What? Now?

Claude:I swear once I get this figured out I will

make it up to you. Okay? I promise.

Sunday!

We'll go skating.

Do I skate?

Sorry about the mess.

Pearl:Newsflash it's your house.

(boiling over)

Claude:Come here boy!

(whistling)

(door slamming)

(door slamming)

(ominous music)

(knocking)

Patty!

(knocking)

Patty!

Patty:(screaming)

Claude:You're going to tell me what happened.

Patty:Or?

Claude:I'll get you started okay?

There was a gunshot.

Patty:I don't know nothing, leave me alone.

Claude:It happened in the kitchen.

Didn't it? Patty:Help!

Claude:You were there weren't you?

You and your brothers?

(crying)

Oh for God's sake.

(crying)

(crying)

Patty:It wasn't me Claude, I swear.

I swear it wasn't me.

Claude:Look, all I want to know is what happened.

Is that too much to -

Wait, what wasn't you?

Patty:It was an accident Claude.

It was an accident. Don't you remember anything?

(country music)

Claude:Oh yeah, come to papa.

(dog barking)

Goddamn dog!

In the closet now.

(door slams)

Patty:Leave the dog alone Claude.

You're going to give him a complex.

Claude:Whose deal?

Felix:Mine.

All right. One-eyed jacks wild.

(country music)

Ante up boys.

Rufus:Check.

Claude:Check.

Felix:That makes three of us. How many?

And one for the dealer.

So what do you say Ruf?

Rufus:I say check bro.

Claude:(sighs)

Felix:I'm out of this one.

Grab me a beer will you?

Patty:Get your own damn beer.

Rufus:All right big shot. I'm seeing you.

I'll raise you $10.

Claude:So you finally got a hand huh?

Rufus:You bet your sweet ass I do.

Claude:Well, how about putting your money

where your mouth is?

Asshole.

Felix:Oh, be careful Ruf. He's on a winning streak.

Claude:Tonight's my night all right.

Rufus:All right smartass. I'm seeing you.

Show me your cards.

Claude:Sure you want to see this?

Rufus:Cut the shit asshole and show me your cards.

(slamming cards)

Rufus:(laughing) Two one-eyed jacks and all

you come up with is three lousy eights?

Yeehaw!

Claude:Wait a minute, what was Rufus doing with

a gun?

Patty:It was Halloween and we had just

gotten back from that stupid party we go to

every year.

Claude:Yeah? So what was Rufus doing with a gun?

Patty:He wanted to be a cowboy.

You know a real cowbow, with bullets.

He's an idiot. Okay?

Rufus:(slow motion) Yeehaw!

(gunshot)

(crash)

Claude:He shot me?

Patty:The bullet must have ricocheted off the

ceiling or something.

I mean I swear to God Claude, he never

aimed it at you.

I mean then you didn't get up.

Claude:I didn't get up?

Patty:No, I mean there was blood.

I don't know. I thought there was blood.

We thought you were dead.

Felix:I think he might be.

Claude:But I wasn't.

Patty:No, I mean I guess not.

The bullet must have just graized you

or stunned you or something.

I mean you're fine. You're not

even wounded.

Claude:But you thought I was.

You thought I was and you just

left me there.

Patty:You can't blame Rufus for being scared.

For God's sake we were all scared.

You can't blame us Claude it was an accident.

Claude:It might have been an accident -

Patty:What? Well he didn't kill you did he?

I mean you're here aren't you?

You're all right.

Claude:All right?

You call this all right?

Patty:Calm down Claude.

Claude:So then what?

Patty:So then we left.

We left.

You must have wondered outside and got

struck by lightning like that doctor said.

Claude:So how do you explain my change of

clothes?

Patty:What do you mean?

Claude:When you found me I was wearing overalls.

Patty:Oh, you mean the Halloween outfit thing?

I don't know maybe you changed before you

went outside and then you went outside.

I don't know. Can I go now?

Claude:Just tell me one thing.

Why did you come back the next morning?

Why did you come back to the house?

Patty:Evidence. You know.

(ominous music)

(truck)

(knocking)

Claude:Anybody there?

(knocking)

(ominous music)

(paper rustling)

(ominous music)

(dog bark)

Patty:Rufus you idiot you killed him!

Rufus:It was an accident.

Patty:Oh my God!

(crying)

Felix:He's dead.

Rufus:Did he say something?

I swear to God he said something.

Patty:Oh my God he's still alive! (screaming)

Felix:He's a goner. Let's get out of here.

Patty:Wait, wait, wait. Fingerprints, fingerprints.

Here.

Rufus:Okay, we've got to get out of here.

Now!

(crash)

(ominous music)

(gasp)

(ominous music)

(footsteps)

(ominous music)

(thunder)

(thunder)

(knocking)

Officer Frank:Hey Claude. Did you ever get that

brake light fixed?

Doc:Car accident huh?

Everybody else okay?

Claude:Yeah, well Rowdy's a little shook up.

Doc:So, is that memory starting to come back?

Claude:Yeah, Doc, it really is.

Doc:Yeah, nothing like a little car crash

to jolt you back to reality, huh?

(writing on board)

(music)

Pearl:Mortimer, listen to this. It is estimated that walk-ins,

benign alien forces that enter and reanimate the human

body when its life force has been severely

compromised make up approximately .01

of the planet's population.

What do you think of that, funny face?

(click)

(bell)

(comical music)

Roger:When's your departure?

Claude:And you?

Guy:Three months.

Roger:For both of us.

Pearl:The port of entry into the human body is

located behind a walk-in's right ear.

A super morpher on the other hand doesn't

have a portal. Check this out.

The navel may be missing due to the lack of

an umbilicus in the birthing process.

Roger:We've been traveling together for eons.

Guy:Like George and Georgette.

Roger:It's more fun that way.

Don't you think?

Claude:I wouldn't know. I've always

journeyed solo.

Guy:I'll miss the pastries, that's a fact.

In fact, I'll miss this place all together.

I mean earth has its problems, right?

But what planet doesn't?

Roger:Minasurus.

Guy:Apart from Minasurus.

Claude:Yeah, I have to admit, more than any other

world, even more than Minasurus, I've bonded

with this planet.

Roger:Of course you have.

Guy:You thought you were one of them.

Roger:But you mustn't allow the unusual

circumstances of your arrival to cloud your judgment.

Claude:Things have been cloudy, all right.

Roger:You're not considering staying

beyond your allotted time?

Claude:Nah, of course not.

Roger:Do you need me to remind you

of the consequences?

Claude:Not tonight.

Roger:To have your eternal identity erased.

Guy:Your galactic memory bank wiped out forever.

Ugh.

Roger:You're not really considering staying behind?

Claude:To live a mortal life?

Why would I want to choose suffering and death

over immortality?

Roger:Perhaps you're forgetting about joy

and happiness.

Guy:And love and laughter.

Roger:Fresh squeezed orange juice and

down comforter on your bare ass.

Guy:And Harrison Ford.

His movies I mean.

Pearl:Morphing out of a body at the end of

a journey is a simple process accomplished

by exiting from an upper body orifice and

leaving the body to rapid curdle.

Rapid curdle?

But only the super galactic DNA replicating effort

called super morphing can save a walk-in still

trapped in a mortal's body at the moment of death.

Walk-ins walk out through the portal by which they

originally entered the body, leaving the body

to do what it was destined to do before it was

reactivated.

Die.

Roger:I know you're tempted Claude, but you

have to ask yourself the time-honored question.

Guy:Is it really worth it?

Claude:You're right. You're absolutely right.

Thanks for the reality check.

(bell)

(melancholy music)

(sighs)

(melancholy music)

(keys jingling)

Okay, well have a good night.

(solemn music)

(upbeat music)

Waitress:Two steaming hot cocoas with extra

whipped cream.

Sure you won't have anything?

Claude:No, I'll just stick with water thanks.

Pearl:What?

What?

Claude:It's nothing. It's just -

Pearl:Come on. Spit it out.

Claude:Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Pearl:I wish you would.

Claude:If you had to choose between this moment,

knowing it's finite and -

What I'm trying to say is life is short on earth I mean,

and would you go to the New Year's dance with me?

Pearl:As a matter of fact, I was going to ask

you.

There's one condition though.

Claude:Okay.

Pearl:You have to promise you're not going

to leave me.

Claude:Leave you?

Pearl:You're always leaving me,

and it's beginning to wear on my self esteem.

Claude:Nothing can wear on your self esteem,

Pearl Glombecki, least of all me.

Pearl:You're staring.

Claude:Memorizing actually.

Pearl:What? In case you get struck by lightning again?

Claude:Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.

Pearl:Said the optimist as lightning

struck the other side of his head.

Claude:You know there's not much in this world

that I'm sure of, but there's one thing that

I'm pretty sure I do know.

Pearl:You're an odd bird Claude.

Claude:But you have an affinity for life's oddities,

right?

Pearl:True.

Claude:Do you think you could ever say

love one?

Pearl:See these two beautiful cups of

hot chocolate?

Well, if I had to choose between them and you,

mmmmm.

(kissing)

I'm pretty sure I love you too Claude.

(comical music)

Feodore:(stuttering) Thank you.

Claude:Feodore?

Feodore:Yes, Mr. Monet?

Claude:Were you aware that there's no such

sound as t-h in the French language?

Like "th", just doesn't exist.

Feodore:(stuttering) Is that right?

Claude:Maybe you were French in a past life.

Have you ever considered that possibility?

(door opening)

Pearl:Did you guys hear?

Claude:Hear what?

Pearl:George and Georgette died in their

sleep last night.

They were holding hands like two school kids.

Feodore:Oh, man. That's the saddest thing

I've heard all week.

Pearl:Oh, come on. What's so sad about

living a long happy life next door to

the best bakery in town.

Claude:So, you going to the dance tomorrow night?

Pearl:Feodore it's New Year's Eve.

Claude:Yeah, come on put the broom down.

Take the rest of the day off.

We'll see you tomorrow night.

(wheel spinning)

Pearl:What do you think?

(rock and roll music)

Man in black jacket: Want to dance?

Pearl:Sure.

Not now. Thanks for asking.

(rock and roll music)

Claude:Hey.

Pearl:I thought -

Claude:You thought what?

Pearl:I don't know what I thought

I'm just glad you're here.

(slow music)

Claude:Have I told you how beautiful you

look tonight?

Pearl:You can tell me again.

Claude:You look like a rosebud, okay?

Like one of those bright yellow prize winners

that everybody tries to grow in their garden,

only they can't.

You smell like one too.

Always remember that will you?

Pearl:That I smell like a rosebud.

Claude:That you are a rosebud.

Say it.

Pearl:I'm a rosebud.

Claude:No matter how old you get.

Pearl:How old do you think we're going to get?

Claude:No matter what anyone ever says or does

to try to hurt you.

Say it.

Pearl:No matter what anyone says or does to hurt me.

Claude:Never forget that, will you?

Pearl:Why are you so serious?

Are you happy?

(music ends)

(applause)

You're not memorizing me again are you?

Claude:Go get me another nonalcoholic punch

will you honey?

I want to say hi to a couple of people.

Pearl:Love it when you call me honey.

What?

(kiss)

(people talking)

MC:Gather around ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

Get ready to kiss your sweetheart

and leave the old year behind.

(cheering)

Are we ready?

Are we ready?

(applause)

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

(applause)

Happy New Year!

(melancholy music)

Claude:Maybe there are aliens among us.

Want to bet they die together in their sleep?

Pearl:Leaving the body to do what it was destined

to do.

Claude:Never forget that will you?

Pearl:Die.

(melancholy music)

(upbeat music)

Pearl:Claude!

Claude:What's going on?

You want to do that again?

This time in slow-mo.

Man in suit:I say old boy, can you point me

to the mustard?

Pearl:I know! He must be loaded.

Claude:Wow.

Pearl:Who'd have thunk?

Claude:Yeah. I don't know Pearl.

I know he means well, but I have a hard

time believing that the guy is rich enough

to hand out $50,000 wedding gifts.

Pearl:We could open a restaurant.

Or we could expand the shop.

We could go on a real honeymoon to Malta.

They eat like kings in Malta.

Or the French Riviera, what do you think?

Claude:I think we should do the right thing.

Pearl:Wait until the check clears?

Claude:Yeah.

Pearl:Still. You never know about people.

Sometimes you think you know, and then they

turn out to be somebody completely different.

Claude:What time does the bank open?

Pearl:I think the drive through opens at

8:00, but this is a lobby job.

Claude:Well, richer, poorer, rain or shine I want

you to know I'm a happy man.

Pearl:Me too.

Claude:A happy woman you mean?

Pearl:That's what I'm saying.

Winston:The next day Pearl and Claude

had pancakes and sausages and then went

straightaway to the bank at 9:00 am.

As it turns out, I Winston Osborne the Third

had not had an account there for over 20 years.

Needless to say, the check did not clear.

I thought it did though, and that's what counts

for as Pearl would later tell her seven or is it eight

children -

Pearl:It's not who you are it's who you think

you are.

Or something like that.

(laughing)

Who wants one of mummy's famous marzipan

crinkles?

Kids:Me!

(music)