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1
00:00:02,247 --> 00:00:04,124
Here. Got something for you.
2
00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:06,317
- It's from Alfie.
- Oh, God.
3
00:00:08,367 --> 00:00:11,359
(Welsh accent) "Dear Mr Harper,
blah blah blah, blah blah blah..."
4
00:00:11,407 --> 00:00:13,363
"Wales, barnyard..."
5
00:00:13,407 --> 00:00:15,682
Oh, my God! A cheque! For me?!
6
00:00:15,727 --> 00:00:17,479
It's back rent for the last couple of years.
7
00:00:17,527 --> 00:00:19,358
Sorry about this, Mikey.
8
00:00:19,407 --> 00:00:21,204
Alfie just became my favourite.
9
00:00:21,247 --> 00:00:23,238
He's not even your son.
10
00:00:23,287 --> 00:00:26,518
Money's thicker than blood, Mikey.
Money's thicker than blood.
11
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
12
00:00:41,647 --> 00:00:43,717
(Humming)
13
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:47,123
Oh, Ben Harper, this is your lucky day!
14
00:00:47,167 --> 00:00:50,523
(Singing under his breath)
15
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,918
Oh! Turn there...
16
00:00:58,327 --> 00:00:59,726
Ahem.
17
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,484
Morning.
18
00:01:05,967 --> 00:01:07,639
We're closed.
19
00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:12,240
Sorry. Closed, at half past nine
in the morning?
20
00:01:12,287 --> 00:01:18,044
Go away, turn around...
and walk out of the door.
21
00:01:18,087 --> 00:01:21,238
Look, lady, I'm sorry if you're having a bad day
but I'm not going anywhere.
22
00:01:21,287 --> 00:01:23,357
I've got a very large cheque to pay in
23
00:01:23,407 --> 00:01:27,798
and there's a certain DVD of Jeremy Clarkson
in a World War II tank
24
00:01:27,847 --> 00:01:30,566
driving around Wentworth golf course
that's not gonna buy itself
25
00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:34,202
and I'm telling you now,
that man is seriously hilarious.
26
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:42,235
Listen... I'm gonna give you one more chance
to get out.
27
00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:46,200
Look, my dear, my name is Ben Harper,
all right? I'm a paying customer at this bank
28
00:01:46,247 --> 00:01:49,603
and to be honest with you, I'm sorry,
I don't like your attitude.
29
00:01:58,647 --> 00:02:00,444
Right. OK, I think I'll go actually.
30
00:02:02,807 --> 00:02:06,197
Get in there. And put your hands up!
Act normal.
31
00:02:06,247 --> 00:02:09,319
This is what I normally do
when I have a gun pointed at me.
32
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,119
Gary! Get out here.
33
00:02:11,927 --> 00:02:14,885
Looks like we've got ourself a smartarse.
34
00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:17,157
Says his name's Ben Harper.
35
00:02:17,207 --> 00:02:19,402
(People groaning, muffled)
36
00:02:19,447 --> 00:02:20,926
Well, how did he get in here?
37
00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:26,644
He got in, Gary, because some numb-nut
forgot to lock the doors.
38
00:02:26,687 --> 00:02:28,006
Well, excuse me Joan,
39
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:33,201
but I was a little bit busy putting
the rest of the staff in the interview room.
40
00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:36,683
Why do you never remember
the simple things?
41
00:02:36,727 --> 00:02:39,844
It's the adrenaline.
You know it gets me confused.
42
00:02:39,887 --> 00:02:42,003
(Phone)
43
00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:46,082
(Ringing continues)
44
00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:49,244
Oh sorry. That's me, sorry.
Oh look, it's the wife.
45
00:02:49,287 --> 00:02:51,562
Ha ha! Sorry, better take this.
46
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:58,201
I'd have done the same. Probably the best.
47
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:02,445
This bloke's gonna be trouble.
Why don't I just do him right now?
48
00:03:02,487 --> 00:03:04,443
(Staff cheering)
49
00:03:06,967 --> 00:03:08,764
Easy!
50
00:03:11,647 --> 00:03:13,524
(Sighs)
51
00:03:18,687 --> 00:03:21,042
Ah... Morning.
52
00:03:21,087 --> 00:03:23,362
- Not a good one though, is it?
- Not really.
53
00:03:23,407 --> 00:03:26,604
- Jim. Jim McKenzie.
- Ben. Ben Harper.
54
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:28,797
Well... (Chuckles)
55
00:03:28,847 --> 00:03:31,077
The irony is, those two idiots out there
56
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,766
are no better than the morons
who normally work here.
57
00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:35,798
Peter Warwick. I'm the manager.
58
00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:39,844
Obviously not you. Sort of, more the staff.
59
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,447
This is Belinda Smith,
my chief cashier.
60
00:03:42,487 --> 00:03:44,478
Oh, we're all familiar with Mr Harper.
61
00:03:45,407 --> 00:03:47,398
Didn't realise I was such a popular customer.
62
00:03:47,447 --> 00:03:48,880
Yes, something like that.
63
00:03:48,927 --> 00:03:52,920
The Royal National Bank
is not a huge fan of sarcasm, Belinda.
64
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:55,003
Peter, wake up.
We're being robbed, for God's sake.
65
00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:58,517
Which is precisely why we shouldn't
start turning on each other.
66
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:01,923
That's right. I think
he's absolutely right, Peter, well done.
67
00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:05,642
I think we're all in this together
and we should stick... together.
68
00:04:05,687 --> 00:04:08,406
OK, and if one of has, say, um...
69
00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:12,320
oh, a cheque that they haven't
had chance to pay in,
70
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:16,758
I think we should all sort of come together
and help pay that cheque in.
71
00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:22,236
OK. I've decided I'm going to consolidate
all my debts
72
00:04:22,287 --> 00:04:26,200
and amalgamate the money I owe
into a simple, manageable monthly sum,
73
00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:28,920
that may not be as much as I imagined.
74
00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:32,437
You've been watching a lot of daytime TV,
haven't you?
75
00:04:32,487 --> 00:04:35,126
Those adverts are really starting
to make sense.
76
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,566
So what do you think?
77
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:41,283
Janey, you need to be smarter with your money
and put it into a product that will pay you back.
78
00:04:42,327 --> 00:04:44,966
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
79
00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:46,406
The lottery!
80
00:04:49,407 --> 00:04:51,637
I don't think I can stand any more of this.
81
00:04:51,687 --> 00:04:55,123
Listen, mate, between you and me,
I think we can take him.
82
00:04:56,127 --> 00:04:58,561
I should hope so.
He's only the bank manager.
83
00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:01,121
No, I'm talking about the thug with the gun.
84
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,761
- The thug with the what?
- The thug with the gun.
85
00:05:03,807 --> 00:05:05,206
What's he talking about?
86
00:05:05,247 --> 00:05:08,842
I'm saying, you and me take him out -
drop him like a bad habit, grab his gun,
87
00:05:08,887 --> 00:05:11,037
- then go for his bird.
- Is he insane?
88
00:05:11,087 --> 00:05:12,918
The man's got a shotgun.
89
00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:14,764
Oh, we can do it!
90
00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:17,082
I'm ex-army. Desert Storm.
91
00:05:17,127 --> 00:05:19,277
I'm dentist. Pink mouthwash.
92
00:05:20,447 --> 00:05:22,836
I haven't punched anyone
since I was, what... Ten?
93
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:26,800
I've got a customer loans adviser
with a black eye who'd beg to differ.
94
00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:29,520
That was a perfectly reasonable loan application.
95
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:31,762
OK? And that man did not have a shotgun.
96
00:05:31,807 --> 00:05:34,560
- Coward.
- Don't you call me a coward. Listen, you lot...
97
00:05:34,607 --> 00:05:38,600
I will not be railroaded into some suicidal
attempt to overthrow and armed robber!
98
00:05:38,647 --> 00:05:40,683
(Gary) I heard that!
99
00:05:41,647 --> 00:05:43,046
Nice going, idiot!
100
00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:46,875
Frankly, Mr Harper, I don't think this bank
wants your custom any more.
101
00:05:46,927 --> 00:05:51,318
So come on then. Which one of you lot
is gonna try and jump me then?
102
00:05:52,887 --> 00:05:55,879
- Not me, that's all I'm saying.
- Oh, there's a surprise.
103
00:05:55,927 --> 00:05:57,679
Shut it! The lot of ya!
104
00:05:57,727 --> 00:05:59,638
Unless you wanna wind up dead!
105
00:05:59,687 --> 00:06:02,884
- Hm. Wouldn't that be a tragedy?
- Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
106
00:06:02,927 --> 00:06:05,725
All the thanks I get for
having a 20-year-old overdraft.
107
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,758
You! Come here!
108
00:06:12,847 --> 00:06:14,405
Dad!
109
00:06:14,447 --> 00:06:16,642
Oh my God!
110
00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:18,803
Can you believe it?!
111
00:06:18,847 --> 00:06:20,917
There's no queue!
112
00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:22,559
Oh my God!
113
00:06:22,607 --> 00:06:24,518
- Hi, Janey. Janey, Janey, Janey, Janey...
- Yeah?
114
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:27,286
That's not the last time you're gonna say
"Oh my God" today.
115
00:06:27,327 --> 00:06:31,002
- Why?
- Janey, look at me. We are being robbed.
116
00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:32,446
- Oh my God!
- And again.
117
00:06:32,487 --> 00:06:34,125
- Oh my God!
- Janey. And again.
118
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:37,682
Hands up! And you... You!
119
00:06:37,727 --> 00:06:41,606
How many times do I have to tell you,
lock the bleedin' doors!
120
00:06:41,927 --> 00:06:45,681
Why is it, whenever anything goes wrong,
it's always my fault?
121
00:06:45,727 --> 00:06:48,161
Because it always is, Gary.
122
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:51,085
- Excuse me.
- I'm so sorry. I'll get out of your way.
123
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:55,921
- Oh... Are you all right?
- I think so. It's just a bit of a shock.
124
00:06:55,967 --> 00:06:59,562
Don't worry, it's all right.
Just relax, stay calm. I'm here.
125
00:06:59,607 --> 00:07:01,120
It's all right. Just trust me.
126
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:02,566
OK.
127
00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:07,236
Do you know, it's funny. I always thought
you'd be the one to pull a gun in a bank.
128
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:08,959
I'd have put money on it.
129
00:07:09,007 --> 00:07:10,884
There! Locked. OK?
130
00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:12,804
Finally.
131
00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:14,439
Shall I frisk this one?
132
00:07:15,807 --> 00:07:18,241
- No.
- I think I should.
133
00:07:19,007 --> 00:07:20,076
Leave it, Gary!
134
00:07:20,127 --> 00:07:23,517
Why do you always get like this
whenever we do a bank job?
135
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,525
You know what this is?
This is Sidcup all over again!
136
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:30,321
Sidcup? Don't you dare talk to me
about Sidcup!
137
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,597
It's like being at home, isn't it?
138
00:07:34,327 --> 00:07:36,602
- You all right there?
- Yeah, not so bad. You?
139
00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:38,717
Yeah, I can't complain.
140
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:41,600
Gary, you're a 100 per cent cast-iron muppet!
141
00:07:41,647 --> 00:07:43,444
Oh, that's charming, that is!
142
00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:47,241
Her ladyship swans around
whilst muggins here does all the work!
143
00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:52,281
Excuse me, light of my life!
But I've been counting all the cash, haven't I?
144
00:07:52,327 --> 00:07:53,680
(Muttering angrily)
145
00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:57,083
- So how's Mum? She all right?
- Mum? Yeah, she's not too shabby.
146
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:59,721
- Dad, where is she?
- She's um... She's in, er...
147
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,723
Abroad.
148
00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:06,363
So, shall we just sort of mosey along
to the old front door while no one's looking
149
00:08:06,407 --> 00:08:09,365
- and perhaps unlock it and skedaddle?
- Yeah, might as well.
150
00:08:10,647 --> 00:08:13,115
Take one more step and I'll do both of you.
151
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:17,080
- Come here!
- All right, please, just calm down, everybody.
152
00:08:17,127 --> 00:08:20,039
You're in charge, there's nobody here
telling you what to do.
153
00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:22,647
(Loudhailer) Put down your weapons.This is the police.
154
00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:24,996
We have the building surrounded.
155
00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:27,764
Except them.
156
00:08:29,287 --> 00:08:30,686
(Doorbell)
157
00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:33,161
Mrs Harper?
158
00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:38,286
- Excuse me?
- Sorry, I mean, "Is Mrs Harper in?"
159
00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,637
She's away, I'm afraid. I'm her son Michael.
Can I help?
160
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,679
Er, I'm Penny Bishop.
I'm a family liaison officer.
161
00:08:45,447 --> 00:08:47,324
I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.
162
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,284
Can I come in?
163
00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:55,083
It appears your father may have been
involved in a bank robbery.
164
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,682
So, he finally snapped.
165
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,478
Well, it was only a matter of time.
I suppose you want my permission to shoot him.
166
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:04,757
No. No...
167
00:09:04,807 --> 00:09:07,116
No, er... He's actually a hostage.
168
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:10,158
Really? Cool.
169
00:09:11,287 --> 00:09:15,405
Well, I'm here to lend you emotional support
and to sit with you...
170
00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:18,405
given that this can be
quite a stressful experience.
171
00:09:21,287 --> 00:09:22,322
Ooh.
172
00:09:22,887 --> 00:09:26,323
But you seem to seem to be handling this
pretty well so maybe I should head off.
173
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,676
Oh, no. Wait...
174
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:32,038
I'm just putting on a brave face.
175
00:09:32,087 --> 00:09:34,840
Outside I'm a rock...
176
00:09:34,887 --> 00:09:36,798
inside I'm falling apart.
177
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:39,324
I don't think I should be left alone.
178
00:09:41,287 --> 00:09:42,879
Would you like a drink, Penny?
179
00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:48,445
(Ben) Ooh, OK. All right, calm down.
180
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:50,364
Hello, back again.
181
00:09:50,407 --> 00:09:53,285
Hi. Oh, this is Janey, my daughter.
182
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,477
Oh my God.
183
00:09:55,527 --> 00:09:57,324
He's reproduced.
184
00:09:58,687 --> 00:10:00,518
Well, I know I'm new.
185
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:03,081
But I'm very, very keen to fit in.
186
00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:06,685
I hope you'll all accept me as if I were
in this from the start.
187
00:10:06,727 --> 00:10:09,525
Janey, this is not Big Brother. Just sit down.
188
00:10:11,047 --> 00:10:13,117
So, you're the manager?
189
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:14,486
Yes, that's right.
190
00:10:14,527 --> 00:10:17,564
Well, seeing as we're stuck here...
Excuse me.
191
00:10:17,607 --> 00:10:22,158
I was wondering if I could talk to you about how
I can manage my overdraft more responsibly.
192
00:10:22,207 --> 00:10:25,756
- I've changed my mind, she's not my daughter.
- Shut up, Dad, this is serious.
193
00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:27,559
- So, what would you recommend?
- Well...
194
00:10:27,607 --> 00:10:31,646
Obviously you need to phone the bank
and speak to one of our advisers.
195
00:10:35,407 --> 00:10:37,079
But you're here.
196
00:10:37,127 --> 00:10:41,359
Yes, but the way the system works is that
your daughter needs to telephone the bank,
197
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:44,319
simply select option three from the keypad,
198
00:10:44,367 --> 00:10:46,323
then one,
199
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,880
then four,
200
00:10:47,927 --> 00:10:50,566
and she'll be put through
to the first available person.
201
00:10:52,007 --> 00:10:53,804
You're available now.
202
00:10:53,847 --> 00:10:56,839
Yes, but I'm not able to talk
to individual customers.
203
00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:59,481
But hello? You're already talking to one.
204
00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:02,360
That is correct but I'm not available
to give advice.
205
00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:06,282
Busy, are you?
206
00:11:06,327 --> 00:11:08,522
No, I'm just saying that's not what I do.
207
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:12,437
So what exactly do you do?
208
00:11:12,487 --> 00:11:15,524
- I'm the bank manager.
- Which means what exactly?
209
00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,525
Well... I manage the bank.
210
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:23,116
And may I say, you're doing
a fantastic job of it as well.
211
00:11:24,607 --> 00:11:25,801
(Phone)
212
00:11:26,407 --> 00:11:29,240
Well, I'm not gonna answer it.
You answer it.
213
00:11:30,007 --> 00:11:31,998
Get that bloke to answer it.
214
00:11:32,047 --> 00:11:33,480
Which one?
215
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,404
The really annoying one.
216
00:11:35,447 --> 00:11:36,562
Harper!
217
00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:40,757
- Come over here!
- What?
218
00:11:40,807 --> 00:11:43,275
- (Ringing continues)
- Erm, OK, here I come.
219
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,959
Sorry.
220
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:49,644
Answer the phone.
221
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:52,199
(Ringing stops)
222
00:11:52,247 --> 00:11:53,965
Oh, that's just great.
223
00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:57,086
I'm sure they'll ring back.
224
00:11:57,127 --> 00:12:00,358
They will. They'll-they'll ring back.
They're bound to ring back.
225
00:12:00,407 --> 00:12:03,205
Well, for your sake, let's hope they do.
226
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:07,081
Well, nice day for it, don't you think?
227
00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:10,566
Nice sunny day for the old bank robberino.
228
00:12:12,407 --> 00:12:16,798
I mean, you wouldn't want a car chase
in wet weather, would you?
229
00:12:21,247 --> 00:12:24,205
Ahem. See the game last night?
230
00:12:25,807 --> 00:12:27,877
They were robbed.
231
00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:32,718
No, I shouldn't have said...
232
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:34,519
I mean, not...
233
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,362
Have you ever thought of wearing a mask?
234
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,123
Here's a list of our demands.
235
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:47,000
- OK.
- When the police ring back and you answer,
236
00:12:47,047 --> 00:12:49,515
don't tell 'em your name.
237
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,797
- Or ours. Got it?
- Sure.
238
00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:53,041
- (Phone)
- Erm?
239
00:12:53,087 --> 00:12:54,486
Go on.
240
00:12:56,647 --> 00:12:58,603
Hello, Royal National Bank?
241
00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:01,798
(Mouths)
242
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:04,156
Yup, er... Sorry? Yeah, OK.
243
00:13:04,207 --> 00:13:05,640
Yeah, I'll ask.
244
00:13:05,687 --> 00:13:08,565
Is this branch open on Saturdays,
do you know?
245
00:13:09,607 --> 00:13:11,325
Oh, for crying out loud!
246
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:14,882
No, obviously not and we're being robbed,
I do apologise. Goodbye.
247
00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:22,519
You do that again and I'll snap your leg off
and beat you to death with your own foot.
248
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,401
Seriously, mate. I've seen her do it.
249
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,802
(Phone)
250
00:13:29,847 --> 00:13:31,644
Erm...
251
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:34,919
Hello?
252
00:13:34,967 --> 00:13:40,599
Er, no, I'm not one of the bank robbers but
apparently I am authorised to speak for them.
253
00:13:40,647 --> 00:13:43,115
Yes, I have a list of their demands.
254
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:45,044
(Chuckles) They want, um...
255
00:13:49,247 --> 00:13:51,078
They want a helicopter.
256
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,317
- That's filleted?
- Fuelled.
257
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,040
Sorry, fuelled and ready to leave immediately.
258
00:13:57,087 --> 00:14:01,205
Oh, and firstly
they'd like some food delivered. Yeah.
259
00:14:01,247 --> 00:14:02,885
Erm...
260
00:14:02,927 --> 00:14:06,044
Er, pizza, Thai, Chinese?
261
00:14:06,087 --> 00:14:08,555
- What about Indian?
- Indian? OK. I'll ask.
262
00:14:08,607 --> 00:14:11,246
Yes. He's asking, what about Indian?
Mm-hm. No.
263
00:14:11,287 --> 00:14:13,084
Apparently they don't do Indian.
264
00:14:13,127 --> 00:14:15,402
- Chinese!
- OK. Sure.
265
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:18,439
They'll have Chinese. Yeah.
We'll all have Chinese.
266
00:14:18,487 --> 00:14:19,636
Yeah.
267
00:14:19,687 --> 00:14:21,723
Well, I dunno. Er, set meal?
268
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:25,161
Few dumplings and some prawn crackers?
269
00:14:25,207 --> 00:14:27,675
Oh, and I'll have sweet and sour pork.
270
00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:31,757
What? You want one hostage for the food?
271
00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:34,002
And two hostages for the helicopter?
272
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,799
Totally unacceptable.
273
00:14:35,847 --> 00:14:38,680
- What are you doin'?!
- Come on! It's ridiculous!
274
00:14:38,727 --> 00:14:40,558
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
275
00:14:40,607 --> 00:14:41,926
Are you insane?
276
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:45,960
It's a tactic. I've seen it in that negotiation
scene in that Kevin Spacey film
277
00:14:46,007 --> 00:14:49,920
when he was negotiating and...
he played a negotiator.
278
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,162
Oh God, what was it called?
279
00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:54,038
Erm...
280
00:14:54,087 --> 00:14:56,442
Ah! Yeah, no. Sorry, it's gone.
281
00:14:57,327 --> 00:15:00,046
Well, they'd better call back,
or else I'm gonna get...
282
00:15:00,087 --> 00:15:02,726
Yes, I know, the leg and foot thing, sure.
283
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:06,919
Don't worry, they'll ring back, I promise,
in the next 30 seconds.
284
00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:09,162
And you'll get exactly what you want.
285
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:20,918
I could have sworn they'd call back.
286
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:24,202
That's what you said three hours ago.
287
00:15:24,247 --> 00:15:27,717
- (Phone)
- Aha-ha!
288
00:15:28,847 --> 00:15:30,439
Hello?
289
00:15:32,487 --> 00:15:34,000
OK.
290
00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:35,719
Cheerio.
291
00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:39,037
Um, slight change of plan.
292
00:15:39,087 --> 00:15:42,363
They now want four hostages
instead of the three.
293
00:15:43,207 --> 00:15:44,765
You idiot!
294
00:15:44,807 --> 00:15:48,038
So wait, is that four hostages in total?
295
00:15:48,087 --> 00:15:51,875
They must mean four for the helicopter
and one for the food.
296
00:15:51,927 --> 00:15:54,395
No, that'd be five and that'd be everyone.
297
00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:56,324
Well, now we need another hostage.
298
00:15:57,487 --> 00:15:59,557
Where are we gonna find another hostage?
299
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:01,438
Gary, Gary.
I don't think that's what they meant.
300
00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:05,685
They meant four hostages in total.
One for the food and three for the helicopter.
301
00:16:05,727 --> 00:16:09,083
I'm getting all confused now,
we're gonna have to write this down.
302
00:16:09,127 --> 00:16:10,685
Go and get a pen and paper.
303
00:16:10,727 --> 00:16:13,002
This is Sidcup all over again.
304
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:19,480
Right, so there's three in there, er,
your daughter, that's four. Then there's you...
305
00:16:19,527 --> 00:16:23,122
No, no, no. Ah... You see,
am I still being classed as a hostage?
306
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:27,046
Cos I sort of see myself now
as a hostage/negotiator?
307
00:16:29,327 --> 00:16:32,080
OK, I'll just be head hostage then.
308
00:16:32,127 --> 00:16:33,355
It's no good.
309
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:37,437
I can't find a pen that works.
310
00:16:39,047 --> 00:16:40,639
There's a surprise.
311
00:16:40,687 --> 00:16:45,556
It's all right, we've worked it out. All we need is
for this doughnut to go in, pick a hostage
312
00:16:45,607 --> 00:16:47,006
in exchange for the grub.
313
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:49,845
Oh, no, why disturb them? I'm already here.
314
00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:51,843
I'll go and tell them.
315
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:55,927
OK, let me know if you hear anything more.
316
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,481
It's um, good news and bad news,
I'm afraid.
317
00:16:58,527 --> 00:17:02,076
They've bugged the place and they've ID'd
your sister as another one of the hostages.
318
00:17:02,127 --> 00:17:04,800
Oh, that's... the bad news?
319
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:06,682
Yes.
320
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,763
Oh... Oh, no.
321
00:17:09,607 --> 00:17:11,882
Oh, not Janey as well.
322
00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:13,963
These minutes feel like hours.
323
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,764
Hold me.
324
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:19,723
Well, there's good news, too.
325
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,758
They've ordered food.
326
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,640
Which is good because...
Well, you can't eat if you're dead.
327
00:17:25,207 --> 00:17:28,882
Oh well, never mind. I mean, er,
they're probably still alive.
328
00:17:28,927 --> 00:17:30,519
Or just injured.
329
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:34,082
But able to eat... even if they can't
actually feed themselves.
330
00:17:34,127 --> 00:17:36,482
- OK...
- God, I keep saying all the wrong things.
331
00:17:36,527 --> 00:17:39,519
- I'm hopeless at this.
- No, you're doing great.
332
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:41,125
No, I'm not, I'm rubbish.
333
00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:44,159
Look, I erm, I should have told you this
before but...
334
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,044
This is my first time doing this.
335
00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:49,078
You'd never know.
336
00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:54,121
I mean, you've helped me with the whole
grieving over my father thing.
337
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:55,725
But he's still alive.
338
00:17:56,607 --> 00:17:59,360
Yeah, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.
339
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:03,678
OK, everyone, listen up.
I've spoken to the police,
340
00:18:03,727 --> 00:18:05,479
as head hostage,
341
00:18:05,527 --> 00:18:11,557
and, er, they now want one hostage
in exchange for the food, OK?
342
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,757
That means one of us gets to go free.
343
00:18:13,807 --> 00:18:15,399
It's normally women and children first.
344
00:18:15,447 --> 00:18:17,642
Isn't that a bit old-fashioned?
345
00:18:19,087 --> 00:18:21,885
- Thanks, Dad.
- No, Janey, you're right.
346
00:18:21,927 --> 00:18:24,077
- Belinda, you should go.
- Er, come on!
347
00:18:24,127 --> 00:18:26,516
Really? I don't know what to say.
348
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:29,237
I've misjudged you, and I'm sorry.
349
00:18:29,287 --> 00:18:31,437
Belinda, it's all right. I understand, it's fine.
350
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:37,039
It's a very, very stressful situation and this is no
place to be for a woman when she's pregnant.
351
00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:43,958
I happen to be carrying a little extra weight.
352
00:18:47,247 --> 00:18:50,205
So, no surprise she wants to stay
for the food. OK.
353
00:18:53,407 --> 00:18:56,524
So, Pork Chop's staying.
Who's going? Come on.
354
00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:59,525
I need to get home to change my wife's
oxygen canister.
355
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:01,523
Well, if anyone's going it should be me.
356
00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:04,718
I've already had one heart attack
and I'm getting chest pains.
357
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:07,406
Actually, Dad, I've parked your car
on a double yellow.
358
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,403
That's it, Janey's going.
359
00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:13,040
They picked Janey. Unanimous vote.
360
00:19:13,087 --> 00:19:15,647
Good. Cos the bloke's here with our food.
361
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:18,884
- They said he comes in when she goes out.
- Go on, then.
362
00:19:18,927 --> 00:19:20,804
Don't go anywhere near the door, love.
363
00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:24,442
You, take her to the door
and come back with our food.
364
00:19:26,007 --> 00:19:28,601
And don't try and leg it with her
or I'll do you.
365
00:19:29,007 --> 00:19:31,567
Dad, I'm worried about
what's going to happen to you.
366
00:19:31,607 --> 00:19:34,519
Don't worry about me, Janey,
just worry about the car.
367
00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:39,364
Dad, I... don't want to get sentimental
or anything
368
00:19:39,407 --> 00:19:43,082
but you do know I... love you?
369
00:19:43,127 --> 00:19:44,719
Janey...
370
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,439
The car.
371
00:19:48,447 --> 00:19:50,438
Oh, hi.
372
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:52,637
Ah. Oh, look.
373
00:19:52,687 --> 00:19:54,200
Ah, this is for me, yeah?
374
00:19:54,247 --> 00:19:55,919
- Don't open it yet.
- Hm?
375
00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:58,606
- Don't open it yet.
- It's a sweet and sour...
376
00:19:58,647 --> 00:20:01,207
- Don't open it yet.
- Oh, it's a gun.
377
00:20:01,247 --> 00:20:03,761
- What?!
- Gun po, gun po chicken.
378
00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:06,605
I knew it! The filth! Go on, sling your hook!
379
00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:08,444
You, get over there!
380
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,556
I've got one more bit of negotiating
for you, old son.
381
00:20:13,607 --> 00:20:15,518
What, me? OK.
382
00:20:18,487 --> 00:20:19,806
- Belinda.
- Mm?
383
00:20:19,847 --> 00:20:23,317
Look, I know we haven't
always seen eye to eye
384
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:26,165
and we've had our differences.
385
00:20:26,207 --> 00:20:31,679
But Belinda... if I don't make it,
if I don't come back...
386
00:20:31,727 --> 00:20:34,116
would you pay this cheque into my account?
387
00:20:37,807 --> 00:20:41,197
If you want me to pay this cheque in,
you're gonna have to wait ten years.
388
00:20:41,247 --> 00:20:44,205
The weasel post-dated it!
389
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:53,036
Right, you, listen. The police are gonna call any
second, we want to you ask for one more thing.
390
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,004
Marriage counsellor?
391
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:58,242
Shut it, laughing boy.
392
00:20:58,287 --> 00:21:02,075
- We want a Lear jet waiting at Heathrow...
- Oh!
393
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:04,800
...for when we arrive in the helicopter.
- Sorry.
394
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:07,680
Don't you think your demands
are becoming a tad unrealistic?
395
00:21:07,727 --> 00:21:10,605
I mean, come on,
they're not gonna give you a Lear jet.
396
00:21:10,647 --> 00:21:13,480
- That's the whole point.
- Hm? I don't follow.
397
00:21:13,527 --> 00:21:17,281
It's just a distraction for when we leave
the bank posing as hostages.
398
00:21:17,327 --> 00:21:20,717
Why don't you tell him
the whole bleedin' plan?!
399
00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:24,316
I never told him abut the safe house
in Marbella, did I?
400
00:21:27,127 --> 00:21:28,879
Phone.
401
00:21:29,607 --> 00:21:31,279
Go on.
402
00:21:33,487 --> 00:21:34,920
(Clears throat)
403
00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:37,037
Hell? Head hostage speaking.
404
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:42,443
Er, no, no, no. Are you sitting down, cos...
405
00:21:42,487 --> 00:21:45,081
You see, they now... (Chuckling)
406
00:21:45,127 --> 00:21:47,561
They want a Lear jet standing by at Heathrow.
407
00:21:50,127 --> 00:21:51,924
What?
408
00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:54,117
Yeah, OK. I'll tell them.
409
00:21:55,887 --> 00:21:58,765
OK, slight change of plan. Er...
410
00:21:58,807 --> 00:21:59,796
No Lear jet.
411
00:22:01,007 --> 00:22:06,240
And no helicopter and, er...
no more negotiation.
412
00:22:07,807 --> 00:22:09,525
Is that bad?
413
00:22:11,007 --> 00:22:12,918
Yeah, that's, er...
414
00:22:13,687 --> 00:22:15,882
That's pretty bad.
415
00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:18,519
They're gonna blame me, you know.
416
00:22:18,567 --> 00:22:21,001
The bank. If all their money gets stolen.
417
00:22:21,047 --> 00:22:23,641
They won't get far as soon as
those red dye packs go off.
418
00:22:23,687 --> 00:22:25,359
They're not gonna get far anyway.
419
00:22:25,407 --> 00:22:30,117
I've had training in these kind of situations.
You know, covert stuff, black ops.
420
00:22:30,167 --> 00:22:32,237
You said you were in the catering corps.
421
00:22:32,287 --> 00:22:34,039
It's the same discipline.
422
00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:36,840
Right, you lot! In the lobby now!
423
00:22:38,847 --> 00:22:40,075
(Yells)
424
00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:43,640
Drop the gun!
Or I'll drop your... husband!
425
00:22:43,687 --> 00:22:46,281
Calm down, please. Please, calm down.
426
00:22:46,327 --> 00:22:50,206
This is the kind of situation when a completely
innocent bystander like me gets...
427
00:22:50,247 --> 00:22:52,522
- Oh, shut up!
- I'm shutting up, OK.
428
00:22:52,567 --> 00:22:54,080
Where's the other one, army bloke?
429
00:22:54,127 --> 00:22:56,960
Slipped on a piece of chow mein.
He's out stone cold.
430
00:22:57,007 --> 00:23:00,204
I'm sorry, love.
I saw him coming but not her.
431
00:23:00,247 --> 00:23:02,044
I feel like a right Charlie.
432
00:23:02,087 --> 00:23:05,363
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha!
433
00:23:05,407 --> 00:23:06,681
Sorry.
434
00:23:08,207 --> 00:23:13,281
Do you honestly think I'd let my idiot
of a husband have a loaded gun?
435
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:16,764
Pull the trigger if you think I'm lying.
436
00:23:19,247 --> 00:23:23,559
What, you little... You said you'd give me
the loaded one this time!
437
00:23:23,607 --> 00:23:26,075
What, so I could lose me other big toe?
438
00:23:26,127 --> 00:23:28,277
It was an accident.
439
00:23:28,327 --> 00:23:29,999
What happened?
440
00:23:30,047 --> 00:23:33,278
Oh, nice going, Bravo Two Zero.
Very good.
441
00:23:33,327 --> 00:23:34,919
I've had it with you, Joan.
442
00:23:34,967 --> 00:23:36,923
Oh, calm down.
443
00:23:36,967 --> 00:23:40,596
No, you work it out!
The police ain't negotiating no more,
444
00:23:40,647 --> 00:23:44,162
which means they're probably gonna storm
this place any second.
445
00:23:44,207 --> 00:23:47,643
You wanna do this on your own,
be my guest.
446
00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:49,757
All right. I will!
447
00:23:50,527 --> 00:23:52,643
Right, you lot. In there.
448
00:23:52,687 --> 00:23:55,838
And this one's loaded, I mean it.
Go on, move it!
449
00:23:55,887 --> 00:23:57,684
Come on!
450
00:23:57,727 --> 00:24:01,800
You want anything doing properly,
you've got to do it yourself!
451
00:24:01,847 --> 00:24:04,759
Men! Useless, every single one of 'em.
452
00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:09,158
Oh dear. If you think she's bad,
you should meet my wife.
453
00:24:09,207 --> 00:24:12,199
Dear oh dear. Mirror image, you know.
454
00:24:12,247 --> 00:24:14,761
Well, minus the shotgun, of course.
455
00:24:14,807 --> 00:24:17,275
Although there was that one time...
456
00:24:17,327 --> 00:24:19,204
But of a handful too, is she, your missus?
457
00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:21,363
- See that?
- That's nasty.
458
00:24:21,407 --> 00:24:23,921
Yeah, yeah. Christmas 1997.
459
00:24:23,967 --> 00:24:28,199
Too many jokes about her cooking and bam -
took a gravy boat straight in the forehead.
460
00:24:29,247 --> 00:24:31,203
I made a joke like that to Joan once.
461
00:24:31,247 --> 00:24:33,044
You see that?
462
00:24:36,847 --> 00:24:38,883
That's where she shot me.
463
00:24:39,647 --> 00:24:41,524
Did a lovely job of that.
464
00:24:41,567 --> 00:24:45,958
Every marriage has its ups and downs.
My wife and I try to find a common interest.
465
00:24:46,007 --> 00:24:47,599
Do you not have any hobbies?
466
00:24:47,647 --> 00:24:49,717
What do you think this is?
467
00:24:50,887 --> 00:24:53,765
Robbin' banks is the only thing
that's kept us together.
468
00:24:53,807 --> 00:24:57,482
No, no, no. I think Jim meant something
a little bit more, you know, legal.
469
00:24:57,527 --> 00:25:01,918
We tried everything -
line dancing, brass rubbing, yoga.
470
00:25:01,967 --> 00:25:04,117
Have you never to a poetry slam?
471
00:25:04,167 --> 00:25:05,156
(All) What?!
472
00:25:05,207 --> 00:25:10,361
No, there's no point. Whatever I do to try
and make her happy, she's never satisfied.
473
00:25:10,407 --> 00:25:12,125
I heard that!
474
00:25:12,167 --> 00:25:14,397
Joan, it's over.
475
00:25:14,447 --> 00:25:18,360
This bank job - I mean, face it,
we're not gonna get out of here.
476
00:25:18,407 --> 00:25:20,682
I mean, it's not looking good, is it?
477
00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:22,718
Shut up!
478
00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:25,679
And you. You big coward.
479
00:25:25,727 --> 00:25:27,877
Stop calling me a coward.
480
00:25:27,927 --> 00:25:30,282
You are! Givin' up!
481
00:25:30,327 --> 00:25:36,038
I'm being realistic, Joan.
I mean, what do you care? You don't love me.
482
00:25:36,807 --> 00:25:39,082
Course I love you, you moron.
483
00:25:41,087 --> 00:25:42,679
Question is, do you love me?
484
00:25:42,727 --> 00:25:45,195
- Course I do.
- That's not what you said earlier.
485
00:25:45,247 --> 00:25:46,839
Shut up!
486
00:25:46,887 --> 00:25:48,445
Sorry.
487
00:25:48,487 --> 00:25:52,241
OK. Let's end all this right now.
488
00:25:52,287 --> 00:25:53,402
(All) Yes...
489
00:25:53,447 --> 00:25:55,199
And take this lot with us.
490
00:25:55,247 --> 00:25:57,283
Whoa, now, whoa! No, it's only ever two.
491
00:25:57,327 --> 00:25:58,965
I mean, think about it.
492
00:25:59,007 --> 00:26:02,886
You had Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise,
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance...
493
00:26:02,927 --> 00:26:05,157
Only two of them,
they didn't take everybody else.
494
00:26:05,207 --> 00:26:08,517
- I said shut up!
- Please, look, look.
495
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,398
He loves you, right? You love him.
496
00:26:10,447 --> 00:26:12,756
And that's what marriage
is all about, isn't it?
497
00:26:12,807 --> 00:26:15,719
That's what life's all about.
Marriage is a wonderful thing.
498
00:26:15,767 --> 00:26:18,076
- That's not what you said earlier.
- I know...
499
00:26:18,127 --> 00:26:19,526
Shut up!
500
00:26:19,567 --> 00:26:24,038
Look, marriage is very important.
You don't wanna end everything, do you?
501
00:26:24,087 --> 00:26:27,443
You don't wanna end your marriage
over something as trivial as, erm...
502
00:26:28,447 --> 00:26:30,085
armed robbery!
503
00:26:32,727 --> 00:26:33,921
Come 'ere, you!
504
00:26:35,087 --> 00:26:36,520
Grab the gun!
505
00:26:36,567 --> 00:26:38,717
(Alarm, glass smashing)
506
00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:40,359
(All shouting)
507
00:26:48,167 --> 00:26:50,158
Great!
508
00:26:50,207 --> 00:26:52,846
That's it. I'm switching banks!
509
00:26:52,887 --> 00:26:54,798
(Belinda) Hooray!
510
00:26:56,727 --> 00:26:59,400
(Radio) Control 51. We have an all-clearat the bank.
511
00:26:59,447 --> 00:27:01,278
Hostages are secure.
512
00:27:01,327 --> 00:27:03,045
- Was that my radio?
- Yeah.
513
00:27:03,087 --> 00:27:05,760
Yeah, they say it's a standoff.
514
00:27:05,807 --> 00:27:09,038
Could go on all night.
What are we gonna do?
515
00:27:09,087 --> 00:27:11,681
Oh, you poor thing.
516
00:27:11,727 --> 00:27:13,718
Oh, my poor, poor daddy.
517
00:27:14,847 --> 00:27:16,758
Will I ever see him again?
518
00:27:17,567 --> 00:27:19,159
There there.
519
00:27:19,207 --> 00:27:21,846
I don't know what I'd do without him.
520
00:27:21,887 --> 00:27:23,639
We're so close.
521
00:27:23,687 --> 00:27:25,564
He's my world.
522
00:27:25,607 --> 00:27:29,759
OK, I know his best days are behind him
but you don't just shoot an old dog.
523
00:27:31,927 --> 00:27:34,316
I'd give anything to see him again.
524
00:27:43,887 --> 00:27:45,764
Or to see him go upstairs.
525
00:27:48,847 --> 00:27:50,678
I'd give as much as L50.
526
00:27:53,927 --> 00:27:55,485
I'd be willing to go up to a hundred.
527
00:27:57,047 --> 00:27:58,719
Fine.
528
00:27:58,767 --> 00:28:01,406
Oh, he was a fine, fine man.
529
00:28:03,327 --> 00:28:04,919
(Mouths)
530
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,082
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