Original subtitles

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski, Buttowski

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick Buttowski! ♪

You've seen him barrel down Dead Man's Drop,

but today, Kick Buttowski will race up it!

Impossible! It's too steep!

I concur with popular opinion.

Your doubts only fuel his determination.

Gunther, I can speak for myself.

Your doubts only fuel my determination.

Couldn't have put it any better if I just said

exactly the same thing four seconds ago.

(EAGLE CRIES)

Brace yourselves, everyone.

History is about to be made!

Eh, it's better when he goes down it. History's boring.

I concur with popular opinion.

You're almost there, Kick! You can do it!

(GRUNTING)

You can do it! You can do it!

(STRAINING)

(SCREAMING) You can't do it.

Hook the sign, Kick!

People, this is opening night,

and I don't have anyone small enough to perform Pretty Pony Pippa.

I beg to differ!

(AIR WHISTLING)

I can't believe I turned down Hamlet for this.

I'm unconscious now, 'kay?

That was spectacular.

And you would be perfect in my spectacular,

Teena Sometimes. Sometimes a princess, sometimes a spectacular!

And you're just the right size, too. What do you say?

(LAUGHING)

You want me to be... Oh, man, that is rich!

Seriously, there's no way I'm wearing that costume.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Yes! We made just enough money to buy tickets for the...

ALL: Teena Sometimes Ice Spectacular!

I can't wait to see Pretty Pony Pippa! She's so pretty! And so pony!

Not to mention, she's so Pippa!

Ladies.

Hello, Gunther.

Someday, my beefy Norseman. Some sweet day.

Hey, Kick! I'm uploading your partially-completed stunt to Rank of...

COMPUTER VOICE: Lameness detected. Upload rejected.

Oh. Never mind.

I need speed. I need power.

I need Bonesaw to go up Dead Man's Drop.

ANNOUNCER: Do you need speed? Do you need power?

Do you need your bicycle to ascend a deceased individual's drop?

Stupid unhelpful pop-up ad.

Why don't you ever advertise something Kick needs?

ANNOUNCER: Then you need Dirt Bike Mike's Supersonic Bike Engine!

Put it on your bike and rev your way to awesomeness!

Gunther, imagine what I could do with that!

(APE ROARING) (GUNTHER SCREAMING)

That makes no sense.

ANNOUNCER: Only 25 limited edition engines left!

And, for just 100 bucks, you could spit in the face of gravity.

I'm gonna need 100 bucks, and fast!

Smell it, girls. The sweet stank of 100 bucks.

Brianna, can I borrow 100 bucks? ALL: No way!

Please! This engine is the only thing I've ever wanted or will ever want!

And there's only... ANNOUNCER: Ten.

...10 more engines left!

Please, just give me a loan! I'll pay it back.

Plus interest. Don't do it, Brianna!

What if he doesn't pay you back?

Then we'll never get to see Pretty Pony Pippa!

Yeah! Also, can you ask Gunther if he likes anybody?

ANNOUNCER: Six left.

We've got exactly enough for three tickets to the ice show,

but with just a little bit more money, we can afford backstage passes!

Bri, if you do this, I'll get you the backstage passes!

You have my word, as sworn to the daredevil's code.

Gunther, tell her.

"Daredevil's code, article 33 of Dead Man Dave's rules of etiquette and conduct.

"A daredevil must repay all debts with interest."

(BOTH SCREAM) BOTH: Do it, Brianna! Give him the money!

Backstage passes!

I love Gunther! ANNOUNCER: Five.

Kick, how are you gonna do that?

Quiet, Gunther! Can't you see I'm blindly making promises?

But you shouldn't get involved with loan sharks!

I saw a show about how dangerous they are,

during Loan Shark Week.

(SCOFFS) Brianna's no shark.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Four. Listen, Kick,

I've seen you risk life and limb for your stunts.

You never give up. So I trust that you will make good on this loan.

And in due time, as the Teena Sometimes Ice Spectacular

is this Friday evening. ANNOUNCER: Three.

I promise! Say it in slow motion.

(IN SLOW MOTION) I promise!

Okay, deal.

ANNOUNCER: Two. But if you do fail,

(WHISPERS MENACINGLY) there will be consequences.

(SCREAMING IN DELIGHT) (SCREAMING IN FEAR)

ANNOUNCER: One left!

(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

And now to... (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES LOUDLY)

(MUSIC STOPS) Sorry, you were saying?

I was saying...

And now to rev my way to awesomeness!

BRIANNA: Oh, Kick! The ice show is tonight!

I'm here to collect my money and backstage passes.

I don't have them yet.

I just got the engine, Bri. Earning lots of money is not gonna be a problem,

now that I've got this.

(FAKE REVVING SOUNDS)

(GASPS) What? This isn't a real engine! It just makes noises!

This won't get me up Dead Man's Drop!

Good luck rescuing me from that giant ape now!

Forget about your stunts. How are you gonna get my money?

Don't worry, Bri. I will for sure get you the money and the passes.

I just need a little more time to... Hey!

What are you doing?

Taking Bonesaw for collateral.

Or did you already forget about the consequences?

You can't do that! (GROWLING)

I warned you, Kick! Loan sharks, the sharks of the sea,

on land, and involving loans in some way.

Gunther, we've got to make some fast cash.

Fast.

Oh, come on!

Great! Now what? (HORN HONKING)

I'll make you famous, kid. You'll be ice skating royalty.

No! I will not be in the Teena Sometimes Ice Spectacular.

The whole sock on El Chimichanga.

(HORN SOUNDS)

(BELL RINGS) (CROWD CHEERING)

Wow, Kick must be really far ahead!

Uh-oh.

On the plus side, here's one chimichanga that's a winner!

Thanks for bailing me out, but the answer is still no!

For the last time, I will not be in the Teena Sometimes Ice Spectacular.

Gunther, I need a faster way to make fast cash. Fast.

So what's up first on my Kick Buttowski Experience?

Dead Man's Drop. Sweet!

I've always wanted to try that!

(SIREN WAILING)

Guess not everyone's cut out for the Kick Buttowski Experience.

Next time, let's get the money before the client is unconscious.

Lesson learned. (HORN HONKING)

Hey! Please join my show. I'll do anything. Anything you want.

It ain't happening. All access passes!

Brianna, I have your money.

(GASPS) I knew you'd come through, Kick!

Did you get the backstage passes too?

Daredevil dollars?

KICK: They're just as good as Brad bucks!

I gave you this loan because you never give up.

I really thought you'd make good on your promise.

But instead you've become Brad.

BRAD: Yeah, torch passing!

Brianna, I'm sorry I made you sad.

Sad? Ha! Oh, no.

Sad is long gone. What you're looking at is

heartbreak.

Bri, I... BRIANNA: Get out!

But, Bri... (DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

Wait a second! Kick Buttowski doesn't sigh.

Brianna's right, I don't give up.

Even if it means there will be consequences.

But I'm out of time. I'm gonna need Bonesaw.

Keep your eyes on that bike.

Kick may have broken his word, but we won't break our promise to break his bike.

(FAKE MOTOR REVVING)

No, wait! I'm going to get the money, I swear!

A likely story. Get him, Abbie! (ABBIE GROWLING)

Hey, get back here!

(ROARING)

(FAKE MOTOR REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I knew you could do it!

He did it! History's awesome!

I concur with popular opinion!

And don't forget to hook the sign!

KICK: Can't, Gunther. I need the launch.

(BOTH GROWLING)

I knew he wouldn't come through!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

I told you my brother would come through.

I knew he'd come around.

(WHINNYING)

GUNTHER: (ON MEGAPHONE) Ladies and gentlemen,

today, Kick Buttowski will attempt to motocross without the moto!

Using only a skateboard!

That's right. This impossibly difficult stunt can only be done by

(ON MEGAPHONE) the Stunt Master of Mellowbrook.

KENDALL: More like runt master. CROWD: Ooh!

Of Smellowbrook. CROWD: Boo!

Can you keep it down out here?

I'm trying to study for Friday's impossibly difficult standardized test, Clarence.

Well I'm trying to do an impossibly difficult motor-less motocross, Kendall.

(LAUGHING) Smellowbrook!

I get it! (LAUGHING)

Don't you people know that there is nothing more important than studying?

(CROWD BOOING)

Don't be silly, Kendall. No one cares about studying.

It's all about the stunts! (CROWD CHEERING)

KENDALL: Whoa!

(SCREAMING)

What just happened? You just did my stunt!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Three cheers for the first person in Mellowbrook

to motocross without the moto!

(CROWD CHEERING)

I think I could get used to this.

Hey! This is Kick's stunt.

He was supposed to be the one being three cheered.

Show them, Kick. It's no use, Gunther.

If I did the stunt now, I'd just be the first one to do it second.

I knew that.

(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)

Speaking of second, how does it feel to be Mellowbrook's number two?

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Don't worry, Kick. Come tomorrow,

Kendall won't even remember your shame.

Like I can't remember that joke I was laughing at.

Smellowbrook.

(LAUGHS) Ah, it's still funny.

Ah, the next day.

Wade, I need a double Sloshy...

So, there I was, rocketing towards the impossible.

But was I scared? No, sir.

It's all in a day's work for Mellowbrook's top daredevil.

Adios, Danger Dudette.

Danger Dudette? It's my nickname, Danger Dud.

One Cheetah Chug Sloshy, please.

Uh, sorry, Danger Dude. That flavor's been discontinued.

But you said Mellowbrook's most extreme citizen gets to pick the featured flavor!

And she did. As Mellowbrook's most extreme citizen,

Kendall picked Omega-3 Freeze, as the new featured flavor.

"Omega-3 Freeze?"

Yeah. It's chock-full of that fatty acid.

Ugh!

Sorry, Kick. I guess it's out with the old and in with the me.

Hey, Razz. I'm here to pick up... Bonesaw?

I thought you guys said you'd have her fixed today.

(BIKE BELL RINGING)

Thanks for putting everyone's repairs on hold so you can build my new bike.

But you can't even ride a bike.

And neither can you.

(GROWLS)

Ah, what'll it be, boys?

I'll have my usual. The usual has been changed.

Usual now, The Kendall Sandwich.

Magnus, how could you?

Magnus keep up with trends.

Hence, neon shades.

('80S MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIRLS SQUEALING) How do you like my new helmet, Kick?

Not that I need one, as I've never crashed.

(GROWLING) Unlike some people I know.

That's it!

I challenge you to another stunt.

Ha! On what course?

Any challenge, anywhere.

You name it.

And I will prove that I am Mellowbrook's number one daredevil.

Do it, Kendall! BOTH: You can take him!

A real daredevil would name a challenge.

(CROWD CHEERING) Yeah! Audible crowd dialogue!

I, uh, choose...

Uh... Um...

I choose Roller Derby.

Deal. Deal.

But you do realize you have no chance of beating me,

because Roller Derby is for girls only.

Girls only? Then I can't even do it.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, no!

I guess that makes me Mellowbrook's top daredevil, by default.

(CROWD GASPS)

Face it, Kick. You can't beat me.

(GROWLS)

Well, maybe I don't have to.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

And why are you smiling?

You wouldn't dare!

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Kiss Buttowski ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

You're not fooling anyone with that pathetic disguise.

We'll see about that.

Ladies and gents,

Kendall Perkins and the Widow Makers!

(ALL GROWLING)

(SNORTING)

I smell boy. We no like boys!

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) Neither do I.

So, how'd you convince those things to allow you on their team?

You kidding? Me and the girls go way (SCREAMING) back.

Hey, girlfriend.

That homework you did for us was all right.

Looks like we won't have to repeat fourth grade after all.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

And introducing Kiss Buttowski

and the Lipstick Killers.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

So, how did you get them to dress up like girls?

I need you to dress up like girls.

Yeah, okay. Sure.

Fine by me. Eh!

It wasn't easy.

Skaters, take your places!

(CROWD CHEERING)

The rules of Roller Derby are as follows.

The two players in the white helmets are called "jammers."

The jammers get points by passing their opponents

with the help of their blockers, who block the opposing team.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

You're the jammer, Kendall.

(SCREAMING)

So, who's supposed to block who now?

(KENDALL SCREAMING) (POINTS RINGING UP)

Come back here and fight like a man!

Uh, I mean, woman. (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)

(ALL GROWLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

REFEREE: And so, at the end of the first jam,

it's the Widow Makers in the lead with 74.

Lipstick Killers, zero.

(GROANING)

Kick, I can't feel my ponytails.

I want my mom.

I always feel like this.

Eh...

It's no use, Kick.

We aren't woman enough to beat the Widow Makers.

Then, maybe, we don't have to be. Huddle up.

Players line up for the second jam.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

LIPSTICK KILLERS: Now!

Ugh! Boy!

Ugh! Boy!

Ah! Boy!

Oh, boy!

(SCREAMING)

Guess it's just you and me, girlfriend.

Hey! No fair!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Stop him!

(ALL CLAMORING)

KICK: See you at the finish line.

(POINTS RINGING UP)

(GASPS)

I can't let Kick win.

There's only one way to block him.

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD GROANS)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

That's not Kiss Buttowski, it's...

ALL: Kick Buttowski!

Biscuits. (WHISTLE BLOWING)

You are disqualified!

There are no boys allowed in Roller Derby!

(LAUGHS) I win!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Not so fast, sister! You're even worse.

Rule number 137. No kissing of any kind in Roller Derby.

You're both disqualified.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Time for today's impossibly difficult standardized test.

Well, I admit the Roller Derby may have been a wash,

but I'm still technically Mellowbrook's top daredevil.

And after I ace this test, I'll be Mellowbrook's smartest, too.

(YELLING)

(GASPS)

This is a perfect score!

And it was completed in the shortest time in Mellowbrook history.

That's not fair! I'm the smart one!

Step aside and let me show you how it's done.

But if you take the test now, you'll just be the first one to do it second.

KENDALL: (SCREAMING) No!

KICK: Oh, yes.

I guess this omega-3 stuff's supposed to be good for the brain.

(SLURPING)

In a right triangle, the area of the square, whose side is hypotenuse,

is equal to the sum of the area of the square whose side are the two legs.

This stuff ain't working.

(SLURPING)