Original subtitles

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski, Buttowski

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick Buttowski! ♪

Okay, boys. We're leaving for Brianna's winter pageant.

You three should use this time for some male bonding.

Don't worry, Honey! I'll make sure we bond real good.

And Harold, stay out of my cookie jar!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-KICK: Yeah, Mom. Sure thing. -BRAD: Okay, Mom!

-Yes, dear. -(HONKS HORN)

Okay, boys,

it's every man for himself.

MAN ON RADIO: Good morning, Mellowbrook.

It's a chilly winter's day and it looks like

Mother Nature's about to dump more of that white stuff.

So get out there and enjoy it!

Oh, I will.

Straight out of the attic, down the stairs,

out that front door and right into all of that white stuff.

Ah! You've kept my secret Tankini stash safe, Gnomey.

Good job. (WHISPERING) You're my best friend.

Ha! Your best friend is a lawn ornament! (LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS) The door! You dillweed!

You broke the lever!

And now we're stuck!

Well, this is all your fault!

My fault? You blinded me with that stupid trophy!

Hey! I won that trophy by cheating fair and square!

I need to get outta here, Brad! I've got stunts to do.

(MOCKING) I've got stunts to do!

Well I've got Tankini magazines to drool on,

so get out of my attic!

Wait. Dad's still downstairs.

We just have to get his attention.

Dad!

(MUFFLED) Yes?

Hello, boys.

(GASPS) We're stuck up here!

(GASPS) And Dad ate all the cookies!

BOTH: Ooh!

Mom said stay out of the cookie jar!

True. True.

And she also told us to have some male bonding.

And what better way to bond

than to keep me eating all the cookies a secret?

Then maybe she needs to find out about your magazine stash.

And your stunts in the house.

We're bonding now. Group hug!

Wonderful! Well, your mother won't be back for three hours.

So let's make the best of this and bond

like real men do!

Do you have a Happy 6th Birthday?

Go Fish.

Do you have any My Sympathies?

That's it! I'm getting us outta here.

Don't bother, Kick. I paid good money to get that door super-reinforced.

Gotta keep those raccoons outta the house.

They can get inside anything.

Clever little raccoons with their clever little hands.

And they're the reason I boarded up the gable window.

Window? A way out!

Do you have a Happy Perm?

Only when I get the day off.

Oh, I mean Go Fish.

(CRASHING)

You have a Get Well Soon? Go Fish.

(SHATTERING)

Kick! Be careful!

If you keep smashing around like that,

you might break your mother's (GASPS)

ceramic Dutch children.

Ooh. You're in trouble.

Now, now. Nobody's in trouble.

When it comes time to confess about the Dutch children,

and the cookies, we'll just blame it on the evil attic gnome.

The... The what?

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

But... That's not real! Gnomey is my friend!

No, Bradley. "Gnomey" is anything but your friend.

They say that the gnome comes to life

and pitter-patters through the attic.

Then, he devours the souls of teenagers!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah right, Dad. I don't believe that.

And when the lights go out

the evil attic gnome comes to life!

(SCREAMING)

It's eating my soul!

Oh, I love male bonding.

I wanna get out of here!

(SOBBING)

Oh, calm down, Bradley! Your mother's going to be back in a few hours.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

DAD ON MACHINE: Hidey ho! You've reached the Buttowskis!

We can't come to the... Quiet! I'm doing the message thing!

MOM: Hi boys! Brianna's pageant's over,

but we've been snowed in, so we'll be staying in a hotel overnight.

Hope the bonding is going well!

We're goners! (SNIFFLING)

Relax! We'll just call someone to come get us out.

-Except my phone's downstairs. -Mine too.

I've got mine!

But the battery's almost dead.

I'll just text Horace to come save us!

H... O... R...

(BEEPING) Oh. Battery's dead.

Well maybe if you didn't text like a grandma...

At least I had my phone!

Boys! Calm down.

Now the one thing we can all agree on is

Brad is the worst texter ever.

Hey!

Looks like we're stuck up here till your mother gets back.

-(GROWLING) -What was that?

My stomach.

Well, if we're gonna be up here all night

does anybody have any food?

Maybe if you hadn't eaten all the cookies!

-Don't judge me! -KICK: Hey, look.

Stocking stuffers.

And Halloween candy.

And look. Old Easter candy.

(BRAD MUNCHING)

I'm sorry. I was so hungry.

Do you forgive me?

No! Let's get him!

-(SCREAMS) -(DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASP) The doorbell!

-Help! -We're stuck!

BRAD: Get us out of here!

(SCREAMS) The evil attic gnome!

It followed us from the old country! Curse you, gnome!

Curse you!

Our last chance, ruined.

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Can you play something with a little more pep?

(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)

Much better. How come it's so cold up here?

Um...

Mr. Buttowski, are you sure you don't want any insulation?

It keeps out the cold.

Cold, schmold! When am I ever gonna get stuck in the attic?

What if you secretly eat cookies up here to avoid your wife's wrath?

(SCOFFS) I call the shots around here, buster.

What if your kids get stuck up here?

Kids? I'm never having kids.

I'm just in Mellowbrook till my orchestral career takes off.

I have no idea, Bradley.

Here we go. Looks like this is all we got.

Try not to eat them, Brad.

Yeah. Try not to eat them, Brad!

Huh? I'm not putting on some girly sweater! No way!

Mmm! That's the ticket.

Toasty.

-(TEETH CHATTERING) -I'm so warm!

I don't even need clothes.

-Fair enough. -Yep, more for us.

(SCREAMS) I'm so cold!

You took all the clothes! There's nothing left, except...

What?

(BOTH SNICKERING)

Quiet! This day comes once in a girl's life!

Can you spare an earmuff?

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -You're all jealous!

Yeah, bride!

-(TEETH CHATTERING) -I'm still so cold.

Yes, well, at least we've got the light.

BRAD: We're never gonna get out of here!

We're doomed in this attic!

DAD: Brad! Don't scream so much.

There's only a limited amount of air in here.

BRAD: (SCREAMING) We're gonna run out of air!

(CRASHING)

-(SCREAMING) -(BREAKING)

I landed on a lawn reindeer.

-(CHIRPING) -(PATTERING)

Is it the evil attic gnome?

DAD: (WHISPERING) No, Bradley! I just made that up!

BRAD: Then why are you whispering?

DAD: Well, I also made up head lice,

which turned out to be all too real.

KICK: It's probably just the wind.

Or something Brad knocked over.

DAD: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

BRAD: Yeah.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

BRAD: Don't hurt me, Gnomey! I was good to you!

(SCREAMING) He's got me! Help!

Found a light!

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)

Boys, I never thought I'd say this to anyone except your mother,

but we bonded over the death of a possessed lawn gnome.

(CHITTERING)

Yeah, Dad. A possessed lawn gnome.

BOTH: You were a cheerleader?

Not a cheerleader. It's called a yell leader.

Except in the locker room. Then I was a cheerleader.

Yep, I was the captain for three years.

And here is my signature move, the Reverse Pyramid.

Whoa! You had skills!

Whoa! You had babes!

That's it! Down in front!

Dad, your signature move is our way out!

We just gotta work together and make that formation!

But I haven't done that move in years!

And we've never done it at all.

But we can do it because we're Buttowskis!

You're right, Kick! That is our last name!

Let's do this.

Lift me, Brad!

(GROANING) My muscles, they burn!

-Bradley! -Steady, Brad!

Imagine you're reaching for the last Tankini Lumberjack magazine on Earth!

(GROANS)

And there are babes watching!

(GASPS) Babes? (YELLS)

(CHITTERING)

(SCREAMS)

No! Wait for us!

How did they get that open?

Clever little hands.

I'm so tired of fighting. I just want to go to sleep.

No, Bradley! Remember our last name?

We can do this! Who's gonna reach the attic window?

B-U-T-T-OWSKI!

We did it!

All clear!

We did it! We're alive!

Mom? Is that male bonding?

I don't know what that is, honey. But don't look.

(SLURPING)

(BOTH YELLING)

Boom McCondor BMX Joust!

Tonight only! Only tonight!

-Free! Free! Free! -Free! Free! Free!

-Boom McCondor BMX Joust! -Boom McCondor BMX Joust!

Whoo!

-Boom McCondor BMX... -Boom McCondor BMX...

(SCREAMING)

KICK: High five! Oh, yeah!

Boom McCondor BMX Joust!

No, Kick! He's not happy!

-Uh... -(YELLS) Bwar!

What have you done to my lawn dragons?

Gunther, you are grounded!

(BOTH YELLING)

Oh, my gosh! I'm sorry, Dad! I lost my head!

Boom McCondor's BMX Joust is tonight only!

And I can't go without my best bud!

(GROWLING)

Can't you start Gunther's grounding tomorrow?

Of course!

-Seriously? -Yes!

If you break him out!

(GASPS) No! Not...

Yes! The ancient Viking custom of...

(WHOOSHING)

BattleSniegen!

(THUNDER CRASHING)

BattleSniegen?

Yes!

If you break Gunther out of house,

off of property and onto sidewalk, he is free!

Really? What are the rules?

No, Kick...

Only rule is...

No rules!

(ROARS) Bwar! Bwar! Bwar!

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Quiet!

(SOFTLY) Bwar! Bwar!

But, Kick, if you can't get me to the sidewalk by sundown,

my grounding is extended for a year!

Don't accept the challenge.

I accept the challenge! (GROANS) Oh!

BattleSniegen!

(ROARS) Bwar! Bwar! Bwar!

Quiet!

(SOFTLY) Bwar! Let the BattleSniegen begin!

We're done for, Kick! My dad has never lost a BattleSniegen!

Go without me!

Gunther, I helped get you grounded,

and now I'm gonna help get you out.

I'd never go without my best bud!

Besides, this is gonna be a piece of cake.

(DOOR OPENING)

MAGNUS: Now you'll have year to work on papier-mache.

(LAUGHS)

See Gunther? Piece of... What?

(YELLS)

What? You think this is my first BattleSniegen?

This is going to be a slightly more difficult piece of cake.

Please, please, please...

Thank you, magic lamp!

It's finally here!

The enlargement of that pic I took of Kick!

It's like the size of his actual head.

Kiss me, my prince.

(BOTH YELLING)

Everything I ever dreamed of and more!

Don't worry, Gunther. I'm gonna break you out!

It's all right, Kick.

Maybe I can't go to the BMX Joust with you,

but at least you can take my papier-mache likeness.

I still need to add color and whatnot.

Nah, I think I'll break you out.

What this BattleSniegen needs

is some Kick Buttowski-style steely-eyed determination.

Patent pending.

Piece of...

Bwar!

Bwar!

Bwar! Bwar! Bwar! Bwar!

Bwar!

Bwar!

He loves me, he loves me not.

He... (GASPS)

He loves me!

Not big enough.

Not big enough.

Just right.

(LOW RUMBLING)

BMX Joust, here we come!

MAGNUS: Huh? What was that?

Did someone say it's baseball season?

Biscuits.

Batter up!

It's hopeless, Kick. My dad won't give up till you give up.

All I had to do was get you to the sidewalk!

I really thought it was gonna be a piece of cake.

I'm sorry, Gunther.

Just go without me.

Here. I finally finished my papier-mache likeness.

Gunther, you genius!

Oh, you think so?

Originally I wasn't too happy with it,

but when I added color, everything seemed to come together.

I thought this was going to be a piece of cake,

but maybe I should be thinking more along the lines of...

Gunther, I'm gonna go bake a pie.

Oh, my gosh, I was totally thinking the same thing.

(HORN BLOWS)

(ROARS) Bwar! Huh?

The BattleSniegen is yours, Mr. Magnuson.

Please accept this pie as a token of my surrender.

(SNIFFS) Bwar! Humble pie. My favorite!

You know, it's okay, Kick.

You put up great fight for first BattleSniegen.

Yup. I'm sorry I let you down, Gunther.

Yup. You certainly let down...

Gunther?

If Gunther makes it to sidewalk, I lose BattleSniegen!

My baby! My baby! My...

Hmm. (DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS)

Um... Hey, Kick! Just finishing up my pie.

Let's bail, Gunther! Boom McCondor awaits!

But wait, Kick! Getting in's the easy part.

Yes, and getting out is hard!

Uh-oh. Bwar!

(ALARMS BLARING)

MAGNUS: Bwar!

(LAUGHING MANICALLY)

Maybe I should have taken the papier-mache Gunther.

(YELLS)

BattleSniegen!

Bwar! Bwar! Bwar!

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Gunther, we are going to that show tonight.

I guess the only way to defeat a Viking

is to become a Viking!

-Magnus! -Huh?

Prepare for glorious battle!

Bwar! Bring it, jive turkey!

Gunther, hop on my back!

Now hold on!

Cling to me like a featherless sparrow to its mother!

I'll never let you go!

Bwar!

Bwar!

Now, may the true Viking win!

-Bwar! -Bwar!

(BOTH YELLING)

Quiet!

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

Oh, nothing? Really? Nothing?

Well, while you're doing nothing,

some of us are, gee, I don't know,

getting Gunther's papers ready for school,

dealing with the mechanic over the phone,

doing dishes, doing laundry.

So it must be nice to do nothing!

Because I certainly don't get to do nothing!

Come on.

BattleSniegen over. You win.

(BOTH YELLING)

Boom McCondor!

BMX Joust!

-BMX Joust! -BMX Joust! Whoo-hoo!

(BOTH YELLING)

-Boom McCondor BMX Joust! -Boom McCondor BMX Joust!

Look at what you two just did to my

freshly planted shrubs and flowers!

Kick, you're grounded!

(BOTH YELLING)

Kick! Cling to me like a featherless sparrow to its mother!

BattleSniegen!