Original subtitles

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski, Buttowski

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick Buttowski! ♪

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Mommy!

Well-played, old chap.

Hmm.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Ah, dodgeball. The only good thing about gym class.

Oh, yeah!

(GASPS)

What have you done?

Don't blame me, Buttowski. The district wants us to play a "sport" in P.E.

every student can do regardless of athletic ability.

So they chose "knitoga." It's knitting and yoga.

Together at last. Yay.

Does it have chaos?

Ha! Knitoga's purpose is to calm the body, eliminating chaos.

This gym is hallowed dodgeball ground.

And we are sullying it with knitting and yoga?

Kick, do you want mittens or a helmet cozy?

I need to get out of gym class.

Psst! Buttowski.

-Coach Spellcheck? -It's Sternbeck!

And I've been watching you!

You got skills, Buttowski.

Raw skills. And I can mold them.

I can train you, run you through the wringer,

and transform you into a sports star!

Sports? No, thanks.

I'll get you out of gym class.

Where do I sign?

I've taken balls of clay like you

and molded them into champions!

Like Cookie-Eyed Capelletti.

Took him from math club and turned him into a basketball all-star.

And Lanky Legs Larson? Couldn't scale a fish.

But I turned her into a champion triple-jumper.

What about this guy?

Noodle-Arm Newman! I got him to the big leagues,

and he's there to this day!

Wow. What's his position?

Peanut vendor.

But he's the best peanut vendor in the world.

And this spot here, it's been empty for years.

If I can't find someone to fill it, I might as well retire.

Been looking for someone who can do it!

Someone raw!

Someone willing to do whatever it takes!

Buttowski, prepare to be a champion.

And get out of gym class.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

-Yeah! -(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Buttowski, what are you doing?

What I always do.

This dodgeball with a net isn't so bad.

Wow. You really don't know any rules, do you? Hmm...

Okay. So, you like dodgeball.

Well, that sport has rules.

And you learned them, didn't you?

Rules? There's a ball. Dodge it.

Volleyball's the same way.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

There's a ball. Volley it over the net.

Or I could just throw it at people.

I can't mold you into a champion if you won't learn the rules.

Maybe you should just head back to gym class.

Volleying! See?

Good. Now, when you hit the ball back, hit it hard!

So the other team can't return it.

Hard return. Got it.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hard return.

Did you just use the net as a slingshot?

Hard return. Like you wanted.

I love this whole rules thing.

You just single-handedly took out an entire undefeated volleyball team!

Looks like they've got a lot to learn about volleyball.

Okay. You want the ball in the net, fine.

Then I've got the sport for you.

(YELLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

That's not what I meant by "in your face defense."

What? Is this some sort of foul?

It's a felony in 23 states!

If you can't play fair, maybe you should just stay in gym class.

I'll play fair! I just don't know how to play.

Let's keep this simple. Take the ball and put it in the basket.

Without committing another felony!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Atta boy, Kick. Now, put the ball in the basket.

Basket, meet ball.

(ALL GRUNTING)

They're not trampolines!

You can do this, Coach. Turn his weakness into a strength.

So, you like to destroy things, huh?

Well, let's find you a sport where destruction is encouraged.

You had me at destroy. Then you lost me with sport.

But you had me again at destruction.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Kick, here's what I want you to do.

Avoid the tacklers and throw the ball to the open man.

That's it! That is all I want you to do.

You got it, Coach.

Hut one! Hut two! Hut!

Must avoid tacklers.

Throw the ball to the open man!

Over here!

Way to go, Buttowski! You listened!

What are you doing?

Wrong way!

Run that way!

(CRASHES)

After I threw the ball, I realized I was open.

Is that a touchdown?

Buttowski, you're just in time for our partner stretch and sew.

I even saved someone for you.

Hurry up, Buttowski. My hamstrings are super tight.

Uh, okay. So, what sport are we doing next?

Retirement. I quit, kid.

Quit? But you haven't even molded me yet!

You're no ball of clay, Buttowski.

You're a ticking time bomb!

Did you quit on Cookie-Eyed Capelletti?

Or give up on Lanky Legs Larson?

Would Noodle-Arm Newman be the best dang peanut vendor in the big leagues

if you'd have left him in P.E.?

Okay, Buttowski. But this school has just one sport left.

And if you can't play by the rules, it's back to gym class. Forever!

This is the 400-meter dash.

When I blow my whistle, you run.

And I don't mean run on your hands,

or with a jetpack, or while riding a tiger.

I mean run with your feet on the ground,

between the lines, and don't touch anyone!

Just run from here to the finish line.

And nowhere else! Are we clear?

Crystal.

Congratulations, Kick. You ran exactly by the rules.

You also finished 30 seconds behind every other racer.

I'm sorry, Kick. You didn't make the track team.

I guess that means you don't get your champion.

Guess that means you don't get out of gym class.

You're an ace at dodgeball, kid.

There just aren't any more sports to try.

Unless...

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Mellowbrook School's newest sport. Dodgeball!

Featuring the Marauders against Mellowbrook's own one-man team,

Kick Buttowski!

Well, I finally got my champion.

(GRUNTS) Peanuts?

Coach, Coach. Hey, Coach, it's me, Coach.

It's Noddle-Arm Newman. Coach!

(ALL CHEERING)

Nothing starts off the school year better than a nice,

refreshing drink of water.

(LAUGHS) You've been tricked by the Trickler!

The Trickler? I've never heard anyone call this fountain that.

I'm trying to get it to catch on.

Well, I'm going to fix the Trickler.

Yes! It's catching on!

Only 186 days until summer.

In the meantime, I have an appointment with Destiny.

Flown in special from Milwaukee. Hello, Destiny.

Keep pedaling!

It's working.

Destiny has slipped through my fingers!

The Trickler!

GUNTHER: Catching on!

(ALL CHEERING)

(RUMBLING)

That does it! It's the principal.

I need you to come out of retirement.

I sense evil.

(OSKAR BARKING)

Oskar!

(GASPS)

Miss Chicarelli! What are you doing here?

I'm the new Vice Principal.

You just earned yourself detention!

Detention? For what?

I may have done many things that deserve detention,

but I didn't do that. Your dog did.

(GROWLING)

Oskar? He's a well-trained angel.

Yes, he is.

I'll see you after school!

GUNTHER: Kick! There's a horrible rumor

we have a new Vice Principal this year!

And you'll never guess who.

The rumors are true, Gunther. It's Chicarelli.

-(SCREAMS) -And I'm her first victim!

(SCREAMS)

You're not the first, and not the last.

Chicarelli's legend at this school is a legend of evil!

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, yeah. (SCREAMS)

As I was saying... Of evil!

(GUNTHER SCREAMS)

Before she retired,

Chicarelli set a record by giving the most detentions in Mellowbrook history.

She even gave one to me.

No stumbling backwards in fear and tripping over yourself!

Detention!

JANITOR: That detention wen on my permanent record,

and totally ruined my life.

When I see that Chicarelli, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind!

(OSKAR GROWLING)

All right, son. Try to be good. Eat your vegetables.

Mom! You forgot to say, "I love you!"

(BARKING)

No barking in the halls! Detention!

What? I didn't bark. It was your dog!

(BOTH BARKING)

(GROANS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

No eating in the halls!

I'm not eating. I brought this in for the Needy Kids Food Drive!

Detention!

Him eats his banana like an angel.

No wasting paper towels!

I didn't waste anything. It was your dog.

Nonsense! Detention!

That's not your seat!

(MISS CHICARELLI CACKLES)

Huh! Detention!

(ALL GASPING) Take your seat!

Kendall, dearest, what could you have

possibly done to get detention?

I don't wanna talk about it.

There's only one rule in detention...

Silence! (ALL GULPING)

That includes gulping!

No blinking! No sweating!

Don't you kids have any discipline?

On this disk, I've listed the names of all you unruly, little brats.

First thing tomorrow, I'm giving it to the Principal.

Maybe you'll learn to behave

knowing detention goes on your permanent record.

(CACKLES)

(ALL WAILING)

Okay, that's it!

Raise your hand if you're in here for something you didn't do.

Me? I belong here. But you guys, you do not.

And that's exactly why we need to stop Chicarelli.

But how?

By working together.

One on one, sure, Chicarelli could take us down.

But we can return the favor if we combine our skills.

What skills?

Well, Ronaldo, you're Mr. Genius,

and Kendall is a total teacher's pet.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

And I hear Mouth's a guy who can get a hold of things.

That's just a rumor.

Oh. Here's that bootleg DVD of Destructo-Con '98 you asked for.

What skills

do I have, Kick?

don't you have?

Master of disguise, tuba playing, nose yodeling...

Stop, Kick. You're embarrassing me.

And extreme modesty.

The only person who has the right to ruin our futures is us,

so we will get this disk, prove your innocence,

and end Chicarelli's reign of terror!

Who's with me?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Chicarelli, you've turned my school into a den of discipline.

And for that, oh, do I thank you.

My stomach thanks you.

My pleasure. And right here in my locked office,

I have a disk of names to add to the permanent record of a few bad apples.

We'll talk later.

Meanwhile, I have an appointment with Destiny!

And I'm not gonna lose another sandwich!

Detention!

Fine. I'll see you after school.

Not after school! Now!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

(LAUGHING)

What'd he give you? Open your hand!

Hurry up, Ronaldo!

I'm working as fast as I can.

Uh-oh. It's 12:01! Sandwich time!

Hide! Hide! Hide! Hide!

Hi, Principal!

A student? In the teachers' lounge?

Oh, Kendall, it's you.

Our brightest and most valued student.

Well, don't mind me. I'm just going to grab

some ketchup here for Destiny.

No! Uh...

You can't use a measly ketchup packet on a sandwich like that.

You need something more worthy.

And that's why I left a bottle of

imported gourmet ketchup back in your office!

Imported gourmet ketchup?

No wonder you're adored by teacher and faculty alike.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Oh, fine! I'm a teacher's pet.

(GROWLS)

(TUBA PLAYING)

Making a ruckus? (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Detention! Oskar! Make sure he doesn't move.

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

Oskar? Oskar! Oskar!

Oskar! What are you doing?

Oh, him's hungry.

Oh, it wouldn't hurt that principal a bit to skip a meal or three.

(CACKLES)

(ALL CHEERING)

Great job, guys. We did it...

Nice try, Buttowski! Stealing school property?

Prepare to be

expelled!

(CACKLING)

Oh, Kick.

No!

MISS CHICARELLI: Add the detention to their permanent record

and then add expulsion to Buttowski's record!

MISS CHICARELLI: (ON TAPE) That's right. Eat it all up.

You're not a tubby-wubby like that oversized principal!

Oh, Destiny! Not again!

Once the school board sees how I've cleaned up this joint,

they'll finally make me principal instead of Baldy the Schlub!

Where's the permanent record disk?

Oh, Kick.

(STAMMERING) I was set up. It was Buttowski!

You were set up by someone who's not here?

Chicarelli,

you're a delusional, paranoid sandwich thief! And you're fired!

But before you go, I'm giving you

detention!

Kendall, dearest, will you please tell me

what you did to get detention?

Nothing. Just a misunderstanding with my favorite pink pen.

Hey, Kick, why did the monkey

get detention?

I don't know, Gunther. Why did the monkey

Because he was horsing around in class!

Don't you mean monkeying around?

No, no, I mean horsing.