Original subtitles

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski, Buttowski

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick

♪ Kick Buttowski

♪ Kick Buttowski! ♪

KICK: The smell of rubber.

The sound of engines.

The taste of destiny.

This is my calling. My one true place in the world.

Today is the day I become a man.

And nothing can stop me now.

Stop.

Sorry, sonny. The inanimate cutout has spoken.

Sorry, kids, you must be this tall to ride my go-go kart.

TRACK OWNER: You're not tall enough.

(SCREAMING) No!

You really want this, don't ya, kid?

Hey, look at that awesome kart.

Well, I'll be. You're good to go.

This is it. Me in a go-kart for the first time ever.

(CHUCKLES) Not just yet, sonny.

First, you need your license.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Uh-huh. Oh, yes, right away.

Hey, I gotta run to West Mellowbrook for a meeting.

Assistant Janitor.

Yes, sir?

Come here, Bryan. It's Brad, sir.

Right, sorry, Benny.

I have an important meeting,

so you're temporarily promoted to the licensing counter.

(GASPS) A temporary promotion! Yes, sir. I'd be honored.

Here's the stamp, the licenses, and the keys.

Ooh, keys.

You think you're ready for this kind of responsibility, Jeff?

Oh yes, my employer. I will abide by every rule in the manual,

particularly the requirements for obtaining an official kart license.

Okay, I'm gonna walk away now.

Oh, look at these keys. Wonderful, glorious keys!

Finally, I'm responsible for stuff.

You've never wanted to be responsible before.

Because I've never had the chance.

This is my calling. My one true place in the world.

Today is the day The Brad becomes a man.

Okay, Brad. Can I have my license now?

All right, but first,

it's time to train you using the ancient methods

of precision, determination, and control.

Brad, this is ridiculous.

Quiet, dillweed. I've had 724 hours of driver's ed.

That's a record. Fine.

Now, let's begin. Stay on the road.

Watch out for that deer!

(BLEATS)

Watch your speed, lead foot.

Watch my speed?

You almost hit that dog.

This really is a waste of everybody's...

Ah, look out! Another deer!

That's the same deer.

Brad, I don't see how this is gonna help me in a real go-kart.

Okay, fine. You've got good instincts.

Which I obviously taught you. And?

And, as much as it pains me to say this, you've earned your license.

ANNOUNCER: Yo! Yo! Yo! All you amateur drivers!

Stop your karts immediately!

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Gibble-in-the-hizzle! I own this place now, sucka!

Thank you, Daddy.

West Mellowbrook! Represent!

(SNAPS)

There's gonna be some changes around here.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Starting with the height requirement.

Which means you can't drive a go-kart!

If you're here, I'm not. See ya.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Even if you could drive,

I'd still be the fastest one on the track! Right, guys?

Uh, maybe! Yeah, maybe!

Yeah, may... Maybe? I would definitely be!

Buttowski! We race!

On your track? Not interested.

Have fun in your daddy's toy box.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Older Buttowski! Get over here!

Yes, my owner.

We got a new rule up in here. No Buttowskis allowed! That means...

No, please! This is my calling!

My one true place in the world!

(GASPS) No! Not the keys!

You're fired!

No!

(GIBBERING INCOHERENTLY)

All right, Gordie. We'll race.

And when I win, you give my brother his job back.

Kick? You'd... You'd do that for me?

Nobody messes with my big brother.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, well. I'd totally race you and win,

except you don't have a license. Zippity-do-dad!

Oh, yes he does.

Fine. We race.

I hand-picked your kart, Lose-towski.

(LAUGHS) Starting line.

One minute. West Mellowbrook! Ooh!

It's race time! Gentlemen, start your engines!

(BACKFIRING)

Hey, Short-towski! Need a ladder?

(LAUGHING)

It's funny 'cause, uh, he's not very tall!

Yeah! Not very tall! (LAUGHS)

One day I will be tall enough.

But you'll never be fast enough.

We'll see about that. 'Cause you better recognize!

AUTOMATED VOICE: GPS scan.

Auto Course Navigation activated.

Ready!

Set!

Go!

(ENGINE STALLING)

(LAUGHS)

Come on!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Opponent approaching.

What the izzle?

Oh, no he di-in't!

Apply brakes.

Shut up and straighten me out!

Trajectory corrected.

It's about time!

Computer, switch to cheat mode.

Switching to cheat mode.

Yay! Kick!

(BOTH GROWLING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I mean... Yay, Gordie!

I got skills. They're multiplying

(GASPS)

Oh, come on. There's no way anybody can drive that.

Computer, off-road mode.

Here's mud in your eye. (LAUGHS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Time to cut you loose.

(ALL GASP)

(COUGHING)

Computer!

Trajectory corrected.

Hello? I need backup.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

What the...

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Nobody messes with my little brother!

Use your natural instinct, Kick!

Which I obviously taught you!

(LAUGHING)

Opponent not eliminated.

What! (GROWLS)

Enjoy your last kart ride ever, Lose-towski!

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

There's no way you'll pass me now.

Stupid turbo!

ANNOUNCER: Buttowski wins!

(RATTLING)

Sorry, sonny! You came up short.

And on second thought, tell your daddy the deal is off.

I ain't selling my track.

Stupid car! Stupid computer!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Stupid driver!

Such great driving.

Such natural instinct.

Thanks, girls.

But my big brother taught me everything I know.

(GIRLS GIGGLING) (CHUCKLES)

All right, Brad. Now you got your job back.

Huh? I'm not going back to that lame job!

But your calling.

The only thing calling me are the babes.

Thanks, bro.

What do you say we go for a drive? (GIRLS GIGGLE)

Uh, I don't have a real license.

ANNOUNCER: Do you like dirt bikes?

Do you like demolition derbies?

Stay tuned to KMEL for your chance to win

two all-access passes to the first-ever Dirt Bike Mike Demo-Cross!

(SIGNAL DISTORTING) Coming up shortly,

you and a friend could be sitting side by side...

(STATIC)

KICK: (SCREAMING) No!

Hi, Kick! What are you listening intently to?

Quiet, Kyle! I'm trying to hear!

I love hearing. It's much better than seeing,

and way better than smelling,

especially if someone around you has had beans.

I like beans. Mom says Dad spent all his money on magic beans

and that's why he lives in a motel.

Kyle! You keep making static!

(STATIC)

Did the static come back?

Yes! Kyle, I need to hear this, okay.

The radio station's gonna announce how to win tickets...

Tickets! I love tickets! Tickets are passports to adventure.

Like arcade tickets, except arcade tickets

are passports to Chinese fingercuffs.

So what are these tickets for?

Something awesome, I bet.

Coming up! Your chance to win two all-access passes

to the first-ever Dirt Bike Mike Demo-Cross!

Demo-Cross? What's a Demo-Cross?

Is that where you show people

how to cross to the other side of the street?

No. It's where a Demolition Derby and a Motocross collide.

Literally.

(SIREN BLARING)

So I've gotta stay focused on winning these tickets.

Focus! I can help you focus!

I know all about focus. Ooh, that reminds me of salamanders.

Kyle! I have to listen for this announcement.

Don't you have any friends to hang out with?

No.

Unless you include pen pal Dolph.

He lives in Gadzookistan. I've never met him but he's the best friend ever.

He likes to bob for earthworms

and he wears a funny hat and does role-playing games,

and he takes a bath outside.

Gee, Kyle, that's a great idea.

Okay, you wanna take a bath outside?

No! I mean, let's do a role-playing game.

(STRAINING)

(YELLING)

A role-playing game with Kick Buttowski!

Wow, now the only item on my bucket list can been checked!

Which game will it be? Basements and Fire Lizards? Call of the Chihuahua?

Prince and the Funny-looking Princess?

No, Kyle. I was thinking more along the lines of

you pretend I don't exist until the Demo-Cross is over.

Until your watch alarm goes off.

Kick Buttowski doesn't exist till then.

That doesn't sound very fun.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, but it will be.

And if you win, I will spend the whole day with you tomorrow.

The whole day? That'd be the best whole day ever!

I'm sure it'll be great. (SHUDDERS)

But you've got to pretend I don't exist,

no matter what. Starting now.

Got it, you don't exist.

Okay. So, Kyle, how are you today?

Great, Kick! How about you? (GRUNTS) No! I don't exist! Remember?

Oh, right! Now, I know you can do this, Kyle.

We're cousins. Determination is in our blood.

So concentrate. I do not exist until the Demo-Cross is over.

No matter what!

I do not exist until the Demo-Cross is over.

I do not exist until the Demo-Cross is over.

Now, Kyle, how are you doing today?

Hmm. Nobody's here. No sir, nobody around whatsoever.

I'm the only person...

And now the moment you've all been waiting for!

To win those Dirt Bike Mike Demo-Cross tickets,

you have to be the first person

to reach Skidzeez Ride Shop!

We have a winner!

Yes! I did it!

Oh, wow, I've never won anything before.

Tickets, Demo-Cross. What is a Demo-Cross anyway?

I'm so glad I came in here accidentally.

I was trying to go to the marionette supply store.

Dude, that would be Stringzeez. Across the street.

Hi, Kyle!

Hi, guys! That's Tugg and Dangler.

One of them talks, the other one doesn't.

Wow! That's so weird that one of them talks a lot and one of them's quiet!

Don't you think so, Hush?

That's so weird that one talks and the other one doesn't.

Don't you think so, Tugg?

Hmm, two tickets for tonight's Demo-Cross. Wonder who'd like to go.

Well, congratulations, Kyle.

I really wanted to win those tickets,

but I'm glad for you.

Now, if you need someone to go along with you,

well, I'd certainly be glad to...

I don't hear anything. Nope, not a thing.

Nobody's doing any existing around here, that's for sure.

It's just me, me alone, me, myself and I. (GASPS)

Okay, Kyle. You can quit the game now.

I'm sure glad that I have determination in my blood.

Yes, determination for sure, no matter what.

Kyle, wait! Take me with you.

Kyle, you should really bring your cousin Kick to the Demo-Cross.

It's a super-awesome thing.

Take me with you!

Kyle, I'm calling off the game, okay?

So, about that super-awesome Dirt Bike Mike Demo-Cross.

Kyle, take me to Dirt Bike Mike's Demo-Cross.

Super-awesome greatest cousin ever.

I like apples but I don't like apple-juice.

Kyle! Take me to the Demo-Cross! Orange cats.

What is happening to me?

No Demo-Cross is worth becoming cousin Kyle.

So I gotta become someone else!

(GASPS)

(STUTTERING) Pen pal Dolph!

Did Gadzookistan lift their rigid ban on all forms of travel?

Uh, yes. Yes, they did.

Oh, pen pal Dolph,

I've always dreamed of hanging out with you in person!

We're gonna have so much fun doing all the things that you love!

Of course, we'll play with marionettes,

since your letters make it explicitly clear

that you love them oh so much.

Puppetry, puppetry, the ancient art of marionettization.

And I have a great idea for how we can end our day together.

A surprise. A really big and super-awesome surprise!

Dirt Bike Mike's Demo-Cross!

Yes, yes, yes!

I love all of your wonderful ideas and I love America.

Yay! Let's start with all the things you love!

So, the other day I was eating some butternut squash.

It was delicious but I don't know what other people think of it.

Gourds are a very personal thing.

Then my ma says, "Kyle, come here, you've gotta see this!"

And I was like, "Ma, can't you see

"I got my foot stuck in the milk bottle?"

(GRUNTING) And I pulled on it.

Some people like the monkey cages but I prefer ostriches.

'Cause ostriches don't need to be in cages.

They just roam free. Don't get ostriches and emus mixed up.

They're similar but they're very different.

(TIMER DINGS) Oh, by the way, I hope you enjoy

your tasty meal of traditional

boiled mountain yak with slug sauce!

It's the food of your people,

also the sauce of your people. Together in one dish.

(PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT CHORDS)

♪ Knock, knock ♪ Who's there?

♪ Little old lady ♪ Little old lady who?

♪ I didn't know that you could yodel

♪ Little old lady who?

♪ Knock, knock ♪ Who's there?

♪ Who? ♪ Who, who, who?

♪ I didn't know that you could yodel

♪ That doesn't even make sense

♪ Oh, ho! Little old lady! Oh, ho! Little lady who?

♪ Meow-meow meow-meow lady! Meow-meow lady who?

♪ Knock, knock ♪ Who's there?

♪ Orange! ♪ Orange, orange who?

♪ Orange you glad I didn't say old lady? ♪

Yes.

Pen pal Dolph?

This is too much! I can't do it!

I can't keep this up. I've gotta just call it quits!

ANNOUNCER: It's almost time!

Dirt Bike Mike's Demo-Cross is just one hour away!

Be there! Okay.

Almost there. Just gotta hold out for that big surprise,

and we'll be on our way.

(SIGHS)

Peek-a-boo! Time to wash our socks together, pen pal Dolph!

Oh! You know, Kyle.

Pen pal Dolph's getting kind of tired.

He is? Yes.

But maybe a really big and super-awesome surprise would help.

I would never, ever forget about the big and super-awesome surprise.

Oh, it is almost time for it! Come on, pen pal Dolph!

Demo-Cross, here I come.

KYLE: Pen pal Dolph, where are you going?

Well, to, uh, to Dirt Bike Mike's super-awesome Demo-Cross.

That's the surprise, right? (CHUCKLES)

That thing? No. I had tickets for that event, but I gave them away.

You gave them away? To who?

This is great, isn't it, Tugg?

Come on, Pen pal Dolph!

Behold! The really big and super-awesome surprise!

Presenting the Kick Buttowski Museum of Awesome!

Kick Buttowski is the greatest daredevil in the world.

He never gives up and he's always focused.

He's got determination in his blood just like me.

You know why, pen pal Dolph?

Because he's my cousin.

(WHISPERING) I'm supposed to pretend

my cousin Kick does not exist,

but I just couldn't let you come all the way from Gadzookistan

without seeing what an awesome cousin I've got.

And this is the Rank of Awesome.

Global Book of Awesome.

See, right there? That's me and my cousin Kick

when we did a stunt together!

It was the greatest day ever.

(ALARM BEEPING)

KICK: I do not exist until the Demo-Cross is over.

No matter what.

Oh! The role-playing game is over!

Kick exists again! Yay! See you later, pen pal Dolph!

Yay! Kick is coming back!

Yay! Kick is coming back!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Kick's coming back, Kick's coming back, Kick's coming back!

Kick's coming back, Kick's coming back, Kick's coming back...

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

Hi, Kyle. (GASPS)

(SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY)

Oh, cousin Kick! I'm so glad that you exist again!

It's nice to exist and it's nice to exist in the same world with you.

Me too, Kyle. Me too.

And now you and I are gonna spend a whole day together.

Remember? A whole day, just like you promised.

And during our whole day together,

we're gonna do the exact same things

I did with pen pal Dolph because I felt your absence.

I can't wait for you to meet pen pal Dolph, cousin Kick!

Have you met pen pal Dolph? He's so crazy!

He's from Gadzookistan. He's always cracking jokes

and doing goofy, goofy things.

You and him would really hit it off, cousin Kick.

He's a really great guy!

Pen pal Dolph!

Pen pal Dolph!

Maybe I should call him by letter.

I think you'd really like him.

Yeah.

Imposter.