Original subtitles

[thunder rumbling]

[dramatic music]

[thunder rumbling]

[ship foghorn]

I love you.

I've been waiting for you since Whetherby services.

What did we agree?

No more Scotch Eggs!

They make you fragrant on a night time.

But what if I get peckish?

And what am I gonna peck?

You're controlling what I eat.

That's what women in love do.

And here we are at Newcastle Ferry Terminal.

Once again, thank you for choosing Draper's Tours.

I'll just do a quick head count

and then we can board the ship to Amsterdam.

I'd count there's three of 'em, Gemma.

It's like Destiny's Child with osteoporosis.

Hey.

Don't say much for your tour company, does it?

Three customers, oh!

Well, Mildred hired the whole bus

and promised me it would be full.

Didn't you Mildred?

Well, that was the plan, yes.

But the heating broke down at the home,

which thinned the herd a bit.

Very sad. But on the plus side,

these days the queue for the biscuits is a lot shorter.

And we couldn't just cancel.

Marge wanted her friends to make this trip, Gemma.

It was in her will.

Yeah, course, sorry Mildred.

I think that Marge will be very happy

that you, Colleen and Hilda have gone to all the effort.

That's what friends are for, isn't it?

She wasn't my friend.

I didn't like her.

Hilda, you've gone off the reservation again.

You and Marge were very close.

Were we? Oh, yes.

She was a very dear friend and I do miss her so.

Who is it I don't like?

You'll have to forgive Hilda,

she's got a bit of a loose mind.

Yeah, look, I hate to interrupt this fascinating trip

down short term memory lane,

but we're gonna have to park the bus.

I'll see you all onboard.

Gemma, it's gonna be the best mini break ever.

Trust me, gonna sweep you right off your feet.

[dramatic music]

Sweep me off my feet?

He'll be lucky.

Last time he tried to pick me up, he slipped a disc.

Well you need a more well-built man, love.

I enjoy a bloke who can take a bit of punishment,

and give it out if I'm in the mood.

[dramatic music]

Hiya.

Welcome to the Empress of the Tyne, ladies.

Are you taking any drugs on board?

Only the ones that keep me alive.

Also a couple of things for when I get bored.

Don't forget Cocaine Sally here.

Come on, let's get to the bar.

Let's get the champagne open.

Yeah!

Oh, champagne!

You celebrating something, Colleen?

We can't say.

Something that'll change our lives forever,

in ways we can't possibly imagine.

Hardly worth mentioning really.

[Bobby] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome aboard the Empress of the Tyne.

Woooh! Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!

[women whooping]

Welcome aboard.

I'm Gemma Draper, Draper's Tours.

I'm first officer Justin Valentine.

If me or any of my crew can help in anyway,

don't hesitate to keep it to yourselves.

[laughs]

Just joking.

I'm the DJ, I'm an artist, and I'm not happy.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby! I'm a singer, yeah?

I sing! DJ's are for poor people who can't

afford a band at their wedding.

Emily Valentine, I'll be singing

in the Admiral's Hall later.

I don't do request and you can't join in.

Denise Montgomery, Cruise Director.

Oh, yes, I was supposed to check in with you.

I'm Gemma Draper, Draper's Tours.

Of course! So I've got you down as 55 guests.

We have had a very slight change in numbers.

There's three of us.

Yeah, I did call head office

to cancel the unwanted cabins. Spoke to Brenda.

Yes, Brenda. Not great at passing on messages.

She's going through the menopause

for the fourth time, bless her.

So anything she does write down

gets sweated off the page almost immediately.

If you're worried about missing out on bartake,

I've been told I drink for ten.

[laughs]

Right, that's the coach parked. Bloody hell!

Would you like a picture with our mascot?

Dippy the Dolphin.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Teddy the Terrified.

-Lovely. -[laughs]

♪ At last... ♪

Hilda?

I'm gonna need me pills.

♪ My love has come along ♪

I want to touch it, then have it touch me.

♪ My lonely days are over ♪

Even I'm feeling something!

♪ And life is like a song ♪

Well, hello girls. Captain Jack Pearson.

And you must be four sisters, yes?

That's either a massive compliment to us,

or he's slagging you right off, Gemma.

Only compliments, I do assure you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I must get this old girl ready to sail.

She needs quite a firm hand.

I bet she does.

The feisty ones always do.

Oh, God! He's as greasy as a chip shop window as well.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, oh, let's get to the cabins, I need a lie down!

Bits of me are waking up that have been asleep for decades!

Right, allow me to show you the finest accommodation

this vessel has to offer.

By that, I mean a toilet inside the cabin.

No more jogging on the spot for me!

I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

[Bobby] We'll be winding our way down the River Tyne

and arriving in Amsterdam tomorrow morning.

So grab a drink in our fabulous bar, the Admiral's Hall.

From the tap, these.

And look at that. Who's behind that?

Nothing here for us.

Ooh!

Giant Toblerones!

Oh, can we get one, Gemma, please, please, please!

You don't even like Toblerone.

Nobody does, not until they go on holiday.

It's a full kilo of nutty chocolate triangles

in one handy cumbersome bar.

Hang on, let's see.

Choccy mound.

It's nine Toblerones, is nothing sacred?

Gemma, look what they got.

Oh!

Hi, I'm Jen MacDonald,

and I want you to enjoy my secretions.

It's gritty. It's Northern. It stings. It's my secretions.

Special offer, two for one on this ferry.

Do you want some, Gemma?

Please, no.

[ship foghorn blows]

[mischievous music]

[footsteps]

Right, welcome party over. There's not many passengers.

They must've seen the storm coming. Either that

or they heard about the norovirus in the nachos.

Right. Come on my lovelies.

You know the drill, bars open, gangway clear,

pepper spray discreetly hidden about your person

just in case.

And you can take your head off now, Tracy.

[gasps]

Denise, I can't keep doing this.

I thought I was gonna die.

You can see why dolphins are endangered,

if they have to go through this every day.

Tracy, you were fantastic, very believable.

At one point I even considered throwing you a fish.

[exhales]

[mischievous music]

[calming music]

And, as promised, an indoor latrine.

Fancy taking it for a test drive?

Well, as seductive as that may sound,

I'm good, thanks.

Hmm, thought you might wanna go first, you know,

seeing as I haven't been since we passed through Leeds.

I've got to offload some stowaways, if you know what I mean.

It's them kind of chat up lines

that keep me coming back for more.

And you better get used to it.

This weekend's gonna be like no other we've ever had before.

Oh, aye, are you gonna be conscious for some of it?

I promise nothing.

Look, I appreciate the gesture, but we've got work to do.

And that means behaving in a proper and professional manner.

Oh my God, they've got dressing gowns!

Oh, Terry, I feel like a princess.

A terry-towelling princess.

If you'll excuse me, marauders at the gates.

Oh, eh, I'll bet the girls are loving this kind of luxury.

[engine noise]

On the plus side, If I sleep walk,

you'll not have to go too far to find me.

Right, Terrence.

This time, try not to bugger this up.

She's been the best one yet.

You like it. Let's go put a ring on it.

[Gemma knocks on door]

[Terry] - Oh, you... No, no, no, no, no!

You alright?

Yeah, yeah, I dropped me coach keys down the toilet.

Sounds like you're having a bit of a time of it in there.

I best go check on the girls.

You do that.

Bet Bilbo Baggins never had this problem.

Right, my precious, let's see if you're down there.

I'll see you at the bar, okay?

[Terry] Oh, mother of God!

[gagging]

[Bobby] And as we get ready to set sail,

can we have all engineers to their stations please?

[wheel turning]

Hey, it's Dippy the dolphin!

What brings you down here to the plank room?

You don't want to touch that man,

If you do, the pumps will exp-

[pole thuds]

[pole thudding]

[dramatic music]

[party music]

This is the bar ,ladies.

Can you take them, Tracy?

Sorry.

Thank you.

One, two, three, come on!

[cheering]

I'm not sure if you know this,

but it's considered good luck

to buy your tour guide a drink.

Well, I wish you all the luck in the world

in making that happen.

Welcome to the Admiral's Hall,

the finest bar on the ship.

Oh look, here comes the captain!

Stand by your beds, there could be an inspection.

Especially if he takes a liking to you.

[wolf whistles]

Bobby, if you could make the jokes actually funny,

that would really help.

Whatever.

[clown horn]

Well, hello girls.

[giggles]

That's right, girls, don't lose your dignity.

He could be riddled this one, you know, sailors usually are.

If we get shipwrecked, I'm more than happy

to make a fishing net out of my pantyhose.

I don't wear any.

Then I'll get us out onto the ocean,

like my very life depended on it.

Oh, sorry, sorry,

I couldn't quite hear you for the sound of my skin crawling.

I'll get us a table.

Did you get your keys?

Yeah, I got there in the end.

Anyone would think I'd spent three months' wages on 'em.

As you're travel industry, you get a discount.

Ooh!

Discounts!

In that case, we'll have a lager top,

a gin and tonic, two Babychams. Oh, and a Bailey's chaser.

And whatever Gemma and the golden girls are having.

Babycham, I'll need to grab that from the stock room.

Excuse us.

Tracy, you're in charge.

Could get used to this life.

Gemma, it's the kind of life I wanna give you.

There are three different mini products

in that cabin bathroom.

I mean, three!

If I had my way there'd be an avocado body scrub

and an intimate lady wipe as well.

Awww!

But also, ewww.

[dramatic music]

And so, this ship leaves Newcastle for the very last time.

Home of Alan Shearer, Ant and Dec.

And of course, my ex wife, Judy.

Who could beat them all at arm wrestling.

Just kidding, she had very weak arms.

Barely strong enough to break my heart. But she managed!

[laughs]

Here's her least favourite song by Enya!

♪ Enya - Sail Away ♪

[ominous music]

Dinner in half an hour, Captain.

Ladies, would you care to join me for dinner

at the captain's table?

Oh, now that's the type of glamour

Draper's Tours likes to see our guests enjoy.

I'm sitting next to Captain Jack,

and anyone who says otherwise

will be eating their dinner through broken teeth!

No guests for the dinner, sorry ladies.

This is a celebratory meal for Justin's promotion,

and therefore me. It's a special dinner for old friends.

Actually, Emily, these are my friends.

Yeah, well they're certainly old.

[chuckles]

Savage as usual, Emsi.

Who the bloody hell do you think you are?

Who am I, babes?

Um... I'm the most in demand lounge entertainment

on the North Sea.

I'm known in every port across Northern Europe.

Popular around the docks, are you?

We used to have a name for girls like that.

"Dirty girls!"

That's what Mother said.

Yeah, laugh all you like ladies,

when Jack retires tomorrow,

it'll be the first day of my new life

as Mrs. Captain Justin Valentine.

And then we'll show this company

how a ferry should be run.

We'll be the Jay Z and Beyonce of the North Sea.

Except with none of the money.

But full WiFi access!

If I could interrupt you two, as this is my final dinner,

I'm going to insist that all of my new friends join us.

That includes you and Terry, Gemma.

Do hope that's not gonna be a big deal, Emily.

I think we're about to find out that it is.

Jack Jack, Jack, Jack, just you listen to me,

you tired old fart.

I am the face of this ship.

You are just a pathetic...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's play a little game

of not saying what we regret later, hmm?

Jack, of course you can bring your guests to the dinner.

And Emily, why not go to your cabin

and listen to the podcast that calms you down.

You know, your Katie Hopkins one?

Fine.

I'm sitting the ugly one away from me.

She means you, Colleen!

Well handled, thank you.

No thanks needed. I'm used to it by now.

[Emily] - Justin!

You don't need to save a place for me and Gemma.

We're having a little romantic supper in the cabin.

Just the two of us.

The last services, I got all the Ginster's you like.

If we're quick, I'm not a [indistinct].

Aw... We'll be there Jack.

Wonderful, well let's change for dinner.

When you get changed, be careful of the key,

we don't want to loose it now.

What key? Is this your little secret from before?

It's nothing, Gemma, don't worry.

You'll know when the time comes.

Hang on, me and Gemma didn't bring anything to wear.

I mean, I thought I was going

to get two days out of this shirt.

It was only supposed to be a short trip

with the bingo and masseur so...

Try the duty-free shop. Anything with a collar will do.

They'll have something in your size.

We get a lot of truck drivers in here.

I've got something that will fit Gemma.

Oh! We can dress you up!

Oh! Or we can not do that!

[wind blowing]

[Jane] Special offer, two for one on this ferry.

Utterly ruddy-butterly.

[Jane] Hi, I'm Jane McDonald

and I want you to enjoy my secretions.

It's gritty, it's-

Spread me on toast.

[Clears throat]

Well, what do you think?

[piano music]

Gemma, I have never seen...

You're like a vision.

I see you found yourself some formal wear.

At least we don't have to wonder

which European capital you heart.

Whichever one you're in when you're looking like that.

He's flirting with you, Gemma.

A lot of men have flirted with me when I wore that dress.

Some very successfully.

Well, let's just hope it's been dry cleaned

and get on with dinner then, shall we?

[dramatic music]

[engine steaming]

[thunder rumbling]

[chatter]

[thunder rumbling]

[passengers scream]

[passengers laugh]

[chatter]

You see, girls,

a ship is a hugely complex piece of equipment.

You never know what she's going to throw at you next.

Our voyage is majestic too, Jack!

Oh, really?

You're looking at three millionaires.

[Mildred] Oh, shouldn't we to say?

Millionaires, you say?

Oh Terry, this is it.

This is the secret they've been

whispering about all day.

Don't bother trying to get it out of 'em, Jack.

You've got more chance of finding out their real ages.

Gemma, I never lie about my age.

It's not becoming of a lady in her very early 50's.

Oh, surely you can let the cat out of the bag

for your silly old Captain?

Tell him, Mildred, tell him everything.

If he goes on like this, I'll tell him my pin number!

Yours too, Hilda.

2596, Jack.

We've been bequeathed something, Jack. It's very exciting.

A key. A safety deposit box key

Marge left it to us in her will.

The safety deposit box is in Amsterdam.

She says we can have whatever's in it.

Her whole life's savings.

[Jack] Fascinating.

Then, then, then, was she a woman of means?

Oh yes. She was very posh.

Yes, had two sets of teeth.

One for eating, one for guests.

But she left it to us.

And to us alone, Jack.

So that's it. That's your secret?

Oh, you couldn't tell me,

but old twinkly-eyes here licks her hand,

and you're all singing like randy canaries!

Don't be angry, Gemma.

Course we would have told you!

We know you wouldn't steal it off us.

So why....

I wouldn't steal from you!

I don't need your money. I've got something money can't buy.

What's that? Gout?

[Jack laughs]

[glass ringing]

Many of us have sailed this ship many times before.

Many of us have found love.

God, I think my dinner's going to come back up.

Many of us have found friends,

admidst the glamour of the lounge

to the grime of the Galley.

Did she say grime?

Yeah

But now one of our family has to leave us.

Oh, Jack, the Inuit people of the Antarctic

used to put their old onto an iceberg,

and push it out into the ocean

when they became a burden to the tribe.

But we're not allowed to do that anymore.

Oh, come on, no one would see.

We could just push him out there.

Instead, Jack must enjoy retirement

and continue to devote his time

to his lifelong search for a sugar mommy.

[Justin laughs]

However, he is always welcome to join Justin and I

on our new ship.

Where he will inevitably encounter a better class of-

I wish I had a hearing aid,

then at least I could switch it off.

And we will continue on our brand new ship.

To share the greatest lesson of all;

that if you really want it,

a midsize, short-crossing, budget overnight ferry

can become home.

[guests clap politely]

Beautiful words, babes.

I think we can all take something from that.

A round of applause for Justin, Captain Justin.

And Jack.

It's his last supper.

All right then.

Justin, and to a lesser extent, Jack.

There's also a cake, it was Denise's idea not mine.

Made it myself, it's a Victoria sponge.

There's no gluten in it,

because it brings on Justin's irritable bowel.

God help us all.

But what it lacks in gluten,

it makes up for in the final ingredient

Love.

And where would we be without-

Just bring in the cake , Denise.

Of course.

Terry. No cake from the grimy Galley.

Make an excuse.

We're okay for cake, thanks. It bloats her.

Like, massive.

That wasn't what I had in mind.

♪ We'll meet ♪

♪ Again don't ♪

♪ No I don't ♪

♪ No one ♪

♪ But I know, ♪

♪ We'll meet again ♪

♪ Some sunny day ♪

Hello, everyone.

Alan.

Alan!

Finish the song, Emily. It is your favourite, isn't it?

You got some cheek getting on board my ship.

Oh, hello, Jack.

I'll join you if I may.

Oh, I see you didn't keep me a seat.

You can have my seat if you want.

No, Terry.

Alan can go below and eat with his own kind.

The rats.

There's rats?

A few.

But the king rat is sitting right here, isn't he, Jack?

This all kicks off,

stick some of them napkins in your purse,

they're proper cotton.

Alan, please remove yourself from my dining room.

Immediately.

Get out of yourself, Jack.

I've got as much right to be as anyone else.

Jack, behave.

Alan, please leave.

All right, I'll leave.

But this isn't over. For any of you.

[thunder rumbling]

You should've let him stay.

Anything to block out the sound of her awful voice.

Perhaps that's the reason people like your singing,

because it's the only time you're not talking, love.

Shut up, you old tart.

What did you call me?

You heard me, tart!

Can we all just calm down and have some lovely cake?

[people gasping]

[people gasping]

Well, this can't get any worse.

[Janice] - Captain!

-[guests screaming] -[thunder rumbling]

Janice!

[dramatic music]

[people screaming]

There it goes.

We're getting none now.

This is Janice, one of our engineers.

He's evidently drunk, and has fallen over, again.

Justin, can you get him to the infirmary?

Could anyone help me?

He's quite a size. Don't wanna put my back out.

Ruin the first day of my new command.

In fact, it may be prudent me not to lift him at all.

I'll help you.

He doesn't look much bigger than Terry,

and I carry him up the stairs most Friday nights,

if we've been out.

Okay, let's get this lad shifted.

Emily.

Can you take Colleen to her cabin and get her cleaned up?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

We don't throw food at the passengers.

This is not a Eurostar.

Sorry, Captain.

Took me two days, that cake.

Look at it now, it's a disaster.

A gluten-free disaster.

[dramatic music]

[thunder rumbling]

He doesn't look good.

Should we think about turning back?

Turning back, Lord, no.

No, I've got a ship to deliver.

He's just drunk.

It's happened before,

we once found him face down in the duty free.

Yeah, he smelled like CK One for a fortnight.

Seems a bit strange, doesn't it?

He didn't look drunk.

He looked panicked, if anything.

And we have been in this situation before.

There could be a lot more to this than meets the eye.

I think we're a long way from anything sinister.

I mean, a drunken sailor.

Well, people have written songs about that, haven't they?

Let's not get ourselves all worried about what appears to be

a simple accident.

Yeah, he's right, Gemma.

Can't we just accept it as an accident?

Just to be sure, maybe I should check the control room,

make sure everything's all right.

No, no, no, no.

You must forgive Justin, he thinks he's Captain already.

But I've still got a day to go, and this is still my ship.

I should be the one to check the control room.

Tracy, you're staying here with Janice,

you're first-aid trained.

Denise, can you man the bar?

This won't happen when I get my own ship, Denise,

you mark my words.

And the only people in the infirmary

will be anyone stupid enough to try the seafood buffet.

You, uh, gonna be all right here, Tracy?

Oh yeah. Found a copy of Woman's Weekly.

There's a story I want to read

about a woman who gave birth to her own ghost.

No, with Janice. In case he needs anything.

All right, yeah, probably.

Think I remember the first-aid training.

But the man who was teaching us was mega fit,

so I pretended to play dead,

so he gave me mouth to mouth.

But when he did, he had proper bad breath,

so I think I just blocked it all out.

It's like a blank space in me head, but...

I'm sure it'll be fine.

It's not like it's life or death, is it?

You don't have to come with me.

I can clean myself up perfectly on my own, thank you.

Jack insisted.

And he is still in charge whether I like it or not.

Well, he's a slimy so-and-so.

Oh, God, he is.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees it.

He's been leering over the older passengers for years.

Some nights, it's like a pornographic version

of Jurassic park.

He's got a long way to go

before he gets near my velociraptor.

Look, look, I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have let myself go like that.

I have to learn that with a talent as great as mine

comes a fiery temper.

Don't worry about it, love.

I started it after all.

Do you know, if I'm honest, I see a lot of myself in you.

Oh, bless. Thank you.

Although, you probably never had this figure, did you?

Oh yes, I did.

When I was your age, I had that figure, those legs,

that attitude.

Thought all I had to do was click my fingers,

and the world would give me what I wanted.

And look where it led me.

Not a friend in the world, three divorces,

and stuck on a ferry with the likes of you.

That's why I'm not angry.

Time will give me all the revenge I need.

You'll see, in a few years, when you turn out like me.

Oh look, here we are.

[door closes]

-Emily? -[Emily screams]

Alan! Don't surprise people like that!

Don't you think you've made yourself unpopular enough

on this cruise?

Emily, I need you.

I've been sneaking around for a year.

We have to tell Justin about us tonight.

No, dolly, but shush, shush, someone might hear.

I don't care if anybody hears.

This has gone on for too long Emily.

It's time to tell Justin the truth.

We good together, we should be together.

Al-Al needs his Booboo.

[Emily] - Can we not just keep things the way they are?

I mean, Baby loves her Al-Al, this is a little tweet.

I need the life Justin can provide me, the house, the cars,

the peak hour David Lloyd gym membership.

I can get you a three month trial membership.

It's not the same.

The trial is off peak.

Oh, Emily.

[moans]

[door opens]

Hello, Alan.

Colleen! You haven't even got changed yet.

No, I couldn't find anything to suit, so...

I'm just going to find my friends

No, no, but you need to change your top.

It's still got cake on it.

No need. Remember, I don't mind looking a site.

One of the parks of being the ugly one.

Now, Alan, try not to play it so desperate, son.

I was nearly sick in my own mouth.

Toodle-pip.

Good. Now she's gone.

No, Alan,

go and tell her before she tells Justin everything.

She should tell him.

And it'll be out in the open.

Alan. I am about to become the wife of a captain.

I will be a captain's wife.

Fine. I'll tell him meself.

Then you'll be no one's wife.

No, no, look, look, you're very, very precious to me,

you know that. I just need to buy a bit more time.

I'll think of something.

In the meantime, can you stop being a total idiot?

I'll stop for now.

But not forever.

[Announcer] - Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

we are now in international waters, and the casino is open.

[Bobby] - He forgot to mention that as a special treat,

I'll be doing the cards on the blackjack table.

Let's hope it's goes well,

cause numbers aren't my strong point.

I couldn't even add up how many men

my ex wife has cheated on me with.

[sad klaxon]

It's my duty to advise you to gamble in moderation, girls,

yeah. Let's not go crazy.

Put everything on black.

And if you've got grandchildren, use their inheritance.

Can you feel the restraint causing through the veins?

Major gossip!

What is it?

Colleen, ha ha ha. I lost you.

You haven't got changed yet, you're still all cakey.

Do you not want to pop down and get sorted,

and we can have a little talk on the way.

I'm settled now.

I just can't help thinking-

Ooh, thinking's not one of your strengths, love,

you want to leave that alone.

Tell you what, why don't we play some blackjack?

If you walk away with more than me,

then I'll come and talk to you.

If not, then I'll go and talk to somebody else, won't I?

Fine, shall we start, with say, £100?

Bring it on.

Oh, this is exciting!

In a slightly menacing sort of way, isn't it?

Gambling, girls?

I hope you're not frittering away

your newfound wealth before you even have it.

Which reminds me, have you considered-

Not now, pervert Santa Claus.

Yes, of course, as you wish.

Smooth as butter there, Jack.

Terry, all my life I've been searching

for the perfect woman.

And now, I think I've found her in Mildred.

Or possibly Hilda.

[dramatic music]

25! Bust! Oh, sorry, Emily,

but I'm finding it really hard not to feel happy about that.

Dealer has 18, so The House pays 19 in all.

Well, that's us done then.

Shall we head back to the bar,

where there's fewer potential arguments?

Oh no, Gemma. There's plenty more hands to go.

Oh yes, I think there will be.

Great! Let's just stay here

and watch things get out of control then, shall we?

Nearly done.

Hey, look at me, I'm a mummy in Egypt.

Oh, I'd have hated that, being a mummy.

Wouldn't you? This fabric in that heat!

I remember I wore leggins once in Ibiza,

and I thought my legs were on fire.

Then I remember they were sunburned.

Because when I was putting on suncream,

they said it was two for one shots at the swim up bar.

Then my mom said something

about me not being able to concentrate on anything.

So yeah, that's how my legs got sunburned,

and why I'll never go on holiday in Egypt.

You know, because of the mummies.

[dramatic music]

Blackjack!

God, it really gets you proper gambling, don't it?

Makes me glad I've got no savings,

they'd have gone 10 minutes ago.

I need more chips, Bobby.

Champagne. Courtesy of Captain Jack.

Give me two.

The adrenaline's sobering me up

quicker than I can get it down me.

Oh, do I like champagne?

It's free. When it's free, you drink it first

and decide if you like it later.

Declined.

What do you bloody mean declined?

I think you've maxed out your card, Emily.

You have lost £1000. Sad times.

Oh, God. Justin's going to whinge.

Lost £1000, Emily, dear?

And I've won six! I must be lucky.

Either that or I spent my twenties dealing blackjack

in a casino in Wigan.

Cash those in and these.

I've done what I came to do.

It's cost you quite a lot, hasn't it, Emily dear?

To stop me talking about the affair

you're having with Alan.

Well, I'm due a break.

Don't forget to join me later

in the Admiral's Hall for the karaoke competition.

Star prize is a meal at the restaurant in Amsterdam

where I proposed to the woman

who now won't let me in the house that I'm still paying for.

But I still have my dignity. And the Sky remote,

so who really has the last laugh?

Emily.

Alan, you've already made one scene today.

I'd prefer it if you didn't make another, please leave.

Why Jack? So these people won't hear about

how you skim off the duty-free tills?

I bet head office would like to know, too.

I wonder how keen they'll be to give you your pension

when I tell them you're a thief.

This won't happen when I'm in charge.

Alan, time to make yourself scarce, you little squirt.

You've caused enough upset for one voyage.

More than enough.

You're getting involved too, are you? Justin?

It's your fault they let me go in the first place.

You knew how much I needed that job.

Once I got Emily the new backing track,

she said we had no need for a pianist.

Did he say-

No. Pianist, plays piano.

Right. I thought he said-

We know.

Alan, I think it's time you left.

Yes, Alan, leave now.

Don't you make me get physical with you.

Oh

See. Won't even stand up for himself.

Some captain he'll make.

What a night, eh, Emily dear?

First you lose a grand,

and now someone's smacking your bitch up.

And, Emily, sometimes you do need a pianist.

That time-

No.

I think I will change this top after all.

Going to stash my winnings.

Before the sleazy captain here

gets his slimy little paws on it.

Yes, well if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll just go and check in with the bridge.

Did I hear right, kitten? Have you lost £1000?

Not now, Justin!

She'll calm down.

I'll go and rub her feet in a bit.

I haven't got any fancy pants lotion,

but I'll just wax some engine grease

into a tub of yoghourt I've got that's on the turn.

That'll do it.

I'm gonna need a drink after that.

The doctor said Jägerbombs would mess with my medication.

But he's not here now, is he?

So where's Mildred?

She's just gone to the bar.

Do you want me to walk you there?

Terry, you're such a flirt, no! I know the way.

Maybe later.

You pulled.

[music continues]

Terry, we're supposed to be looking after

Mildred and the girls.

Mildred? You wanna be minding Jack.

Just wait till them Jägerbombs kick in.

They do make a cute couple, though, don't they?

Yeah.

Maybe that'll be us, one day.

Well, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.

Gemma, for years, we were just friends.

Hi guys.

And at this rate, we're gonna be just friends

for the rest of our lives.

A grand, eh, mate?

That was a slap in the face.

But then there was, you know, the slap in the face.

Well, you know, Emily's passionate,

but bloody hell is she expensive. She's bleeding me dry.

Justin. You don't need money if you've got love.

Look at us.

We're living proof of that.

Last Valentine's, I gave her a photo of a rose.

Love is more than just things you can buy for each other.

It's accepting each other for all your faults.

You're right, of course, Gemma.

Sometimes, you know, you look at your life.

When you're taking off your shoes

in the garage of a house you can't afford.

To walk on cream carpets that you didn't want,

and sit on a sofa that you can't even remember

if you like or not.

And you wonder what's happened to you.

And then she smiles and it's all worth it.

You'll do anything for them just to make them happy.

Sometimes they'll do unspeakable things.

If you'll excuse me, I must attend to something below deck.

Well, he proper cheers me right up.

Come on, shall we get some more air?

Oh yeah. We're gonna see a dolphin.

Gemma, it's nighttime.

Yeah, might smell one. Come on.

Emily and Justin, eh?

They've got the same kind of love as us, Gem.

But without you know, the psycho bit at the end.

You're so not up to speed.

Emily is having a fling with Alan.

Give over.

I know. This is the most exciting trip ever.

Drama, arguments, we're not involved in any of it.

We might be the ones

writing the one star TripAdvisor reviews this time.

Brilliant. Well while you're in such a good mood,

I'd just like to say

this has been the best year of my entire life.

Really?

We nearly got killed this time last year.

A woman tried to stab me in a toilet in Blackpool, remember?

Though we got together. Then we moved in.

But I didn't ask you to move in.

Sort of stayed over and never left.

You're like a squatter, but one who shares his chips.

But what I'm trying to say, Gemma, is

for years we were just friends,

but now we're more than friends.

-[horn blows] -[Gemma screams]

Nearly gave me a heart attack that did.

Right. Let's go find the girls and get hammered.

Oh, for-

[horn blows]

Where the bloody hell am I?

[Bobby] Attention ladies and gentlemen,

we are happy to announce that happy half hour has started

in the Admiral's Hall, where we will be-

[Denise] - Sorry to interrupt,

we've just found a case of Baileys

without a sell-by date on it in the stock room.

So if you're up for a gamble,

we're selling them five shots for £1.

[sinister music]

What do you want?

[screams]

[dull thudding]

[Colleen cries out]

[thunder rumbling]

♪ It's Raining Men ♪

A word of warning. You know that safety deposit box key,

if they're not careful, he's very smooth.

Had an access ramp built into his cabin.

Oh, I think he's met his match.

Yes well, I'll just be glad when he's gone.

And Justin and Emy and I have our own ship.

I'll take a bottle of champers

for me and my future captain.

Oh, she knows how to treat her man.

She's an angel.

You might have the odd little tension,

but once you calm down,

your biggest strength is in acting

like it never happened at all,

which is actually very brave.

Well, this is our special trip

and no one's gonna spoil it for us, you mark my words.

A fresh start on a fresh ship.

Speaking of healthy stable relationships,

looks like Jack's about to drop anchor.

Gemma, I'd like to lodge a complaint.

What's wrong?

Mildred's hogging Jack.

By the time I get my go, he'll be spent.

Right, erm...

Well maybe when Mildred's done,

you can let Jack recharge himself a bit

and then have your go on him.

Is it wrong I'm starting to feel like a nautical pimp?

It's got me all riled up, set my waters off.

I can feel myself sloshing.

Can you help me to the loo?

Bar toilets are blocked, I'm afraid.

Truckers have just had their dinner.

You can use one in my cabin.

We're just one deck up.

Right, Terry, help Hilda. She's sloshing.

[pipes clanking]

Draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.

Well, I've only got a Biro, but uh, Ill do my best.

This is huge.

Tiny, our cabins are, like little floating coffins.

Terry, why are the girls sleeping in floating coffins?

I'll tell you why.

So he can keep all the money for himself

and fritter it all away on this palace.

Gemma, I just wanted you to have the best for once.

See them pillows on that bed? They're hypoallergenic.

I mean, for all I know,

that means there were made in Hypoallergenia,

but they're still the best.

Well, I can't deny your motives.

I'll make it right. I promise. But not in the usual way.

Look, there's no garage forecourt flowers

in the middle of the North Sea.

Well, I think we have to swap cabins with them.

We are the tour operators,

we should have the worst accommodation.

Don't be daft. There's three of them.

Oh, come on. Look at the size of Mildred.

There's two and a half of them at the most.

She's right.

We can easily get two in that bed,

and I can sleep in the chair.

I live in a home, dear,

I'm basically a professional chair sleeper.

Gemma, no.

Go and get the bags, Terry.

Here are our key cards,

and this is Colleen's, she gave me her spare

in case me and Mildred got in a fight.

We don't always see eye to eye on bingo,

and Mildred kicks off

if she thinks anyone's been using her dapper.

It's typical, this.

I try and do one thing right, what happens?

The devil farts at my nose one more time.

1256.

Mildred, you in here?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Please let me forget, please let me forget,

please let me forget.

Look, I don't know what you think you saw in there.

I saw everything. I wanted to use these eyes again.

Tell Mildred she's swapping cabins with me and Gemma,

and I'll come to collect her bags in five minutes.

Oh, right. You couldn't give it, say, half an hour.

[Mildred] - An hour, Jack.

An hour, could you?

Yeah, yes! Just...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but go easy on her.

She's not [indistinct].

Aye aye, sirrah.

[laughs]

All right, 1257.

Let's hope there's no surprises in here.

[music stops abruptly]

[ominous tone sounds]

Oh, dear God.

[thunder rumbles]

Yes, it seems Gemma may be right, Terry,

this wasn't accidental.

[Mildred] - Oh, Colleen.

It looks like Jane McDonald's Secretions

was the weapon of choice.

Poor Jane. She'll not be happy about that.

Ooh, there there, love, don't cry.

She's in a better place.

I'm not crying, it's that smell.

Jane weren't lying, it proper stings.

Yes, yes, it's very vibrant on the nose.

We use it to clean the flies off the windows on the bridge.

What do we do now Jack? Lock down the ship?

Afraid not. No, that'll cause panic,

which will drive down bar sales.

No. No, I'll get poor Colleen into the ship's morgue,

and then I'll sniff out the executioner.

You go and get Gemma and Hilda,

and put yourselves in the bar.

Somewhere visible, just to be safe

That does seem like the best option.

I'll get straight onto it.

Mildred, get some clothes on.

And if you could keep them on forever, I'd be obliged.

Well, say what you like, Terry,

I'm not ashamed of my body.

Yeah. A fact I've recently become very aware of.

Look at him. Aah!

The captain. Get the captain.

We're all in great danger.

Janice, you're alive!

Well, I weren't expecting that.

I was practising me sad face for when they all got back

and I had to tell them you didn't make it.

The captain.

Right, yeah. Oh, what am I like?

Honestly, I can blight my [indistinct].

Come on, focus, Trace.

Captain, Janice has woken up.

He's not dead. He's not drunk. And he's asking for you.

Oh, he says we're all in great danger.

Oh wait, hang on, I'm on the tannoy.

Er, nothing to worry about, everyone.

Enjoy your holidays. Oh, knocked this right up.

If he's not drunk, that means someone's done this to him.

The same person that's killed Colleen.

Colleen's dead?

Yes.

Oh no! How did she go?

Beaten to death with a big bottle of Jane McDonald.

Did I like this Colleen? I've gone fuzzy again.

Nobody did, but it's still sad.

I'll have a little cry then.

Girls, you stay close to us from now on.

We'll protect you.

Gemma's right. Look, no running off anywhere.

Terry, we've not run anywhere for 20 years.

We're not going to start now.

Fair point. All right, come on. All of you.

Fast waddle to the bar.

Why is Mildred's top on inside out?

I'll notify you about that later.

Oh, yes, Janice.

The captain. The ship will shink.

Shink?

Shink.

Sink? Right to the bottom of the sea?

Yeah.

I aren't brought me swimming costume or anything.

I'll get the captain. Oh, not about the swimming costume.

I don't think he'd have a spare or anything.

But you never know, do you?

People get up to all sorts behind closed doors.

Oh, look at me. Concentrate, honestly.

My mum says it'll be the death of me.

She might be right if I don't warn everyone.

I mean, she'd be gutted that I drowned,

but probably quiet chuffed that she was proven right.

Right, enough. I'll get the captain.

What's wrong with this chick?

Oh, thank God. I've got to find the Captain,

the ship is going to-

[dart thunks into wall]

[screaming]

Do you ever get the feeling we should have just flown?

[Janice screams]

I know this probably isn't the time,

but I was right, wasn't I?

When I said something was going on?

Well, I think I'm going to have to

give you this one, yeah.

Good. As long as we know.

I've been in touch with the authorities in Amsterdam,

they will meet us in the morning.

And now we've got three bodies.

And do you know what that means?

Three means we have a serial killer on our hands.

Worse than that.

The morgue on the ship only has room for two corpses.

In the event of a third, we have to...

Implement the ice cream protocol.

Once we've put human remains in the ice cream fridges,

we have to condemn the whole lot.

Bon appetit.

On the one hand, I do miss Colleen,

but on the other hand, this is a neapolitan.

Now, myself and the other staff

are going to search the ship.

See if we can find the man responsible,

by which, of course, I mean Alan. Slimy little sod,

should've locked him up the moment he came on board.

We have to find him before he strikes again.

Ah, Natasha's dead!

No, she's just passed out.

Oh, sorry, carry on.

I must also ask if there are any able-bodied passengers

Who might wish to help.

Terry's here.

Or you could have just said nothing, Mildred.

Come back to me. I can't go through this life without you.

And I can't without you.

Gemma, before I spend the first night of this holiday

looking for a pretty vicious murderer,

I need to say something.

For years, we were just friends-

No time, Terry, we must find Alan.

Fine!

Come on, man, let's go and kick this bloke's head in.

We're only going to ask him some questions.

Potato, potato. Come on!

Just be careful, Justin, for God's sake.

That advice is best suited to Alan.

No one plays silly buggers on my ship.

I think you'll find it's my ship.

I swear, by the gods of the sea,

I will get you to Amsterdam, your safety deposit box,

and we'll open it. Together.

Right. I'll try and keep the hen night busy

with activities.

Fine, well, fire up the karaoke.

Ooh, karaoke. It's a bit of me, that is.

Where are you going, Emily?

To see if I can find Alan before any of the others do.

Karaoke! Right, who wants to go first?

We'd like to go first, please.

[machinery rattles]

♪ Cheeky Girls ♪

[soft footsteps]

Oh, God! Not another bloody Dippy the Dolphin.

You shouldn't be down here on your own.

Just stick with me. Yeah?

Soon as we found Alan, I'll take you back upstairs.

All right?

Nothing.

I don't even know why I'm looking.

He could be anywhere.

I don't know me way round this place.

Although I've got a feeling you do. Isn't that right, Alan?

Son of a fish!

Alan?

What is it now?

Run!

[people applauding]

[door bangs]

Let me in!

-Don't worry. Don't worry. -[weapon thudding]

I've locked the doors, he can't get in.

Terry, get here now.

Alan is being beaten to death by a dolphin.

Oh, dear, knock-off Toblerone. Just say it, love.

It is what it is.

Gemma, Alan's not the murderer!

I'm not entirely sure we can rule that out.

Look, let's not let this get us down.

We just have to sit and wait.

And hopefully we'll all be alive when the sun comes up.

If that's the case,

we might as well have stayed in the home.

You all right, Terry?

No, Gemma, I'm not.

This was meant to be a romantic minibreak.

If I wanted this amount of violence and bloodshed

on me holidays, I'd have booked an all-exclusive to Malaga.

I am going to get to the bottom of all this.

Right. I think I've figured out

which one of you lot done this.

[piano music]

Sorry. Slipped. From a quiz.

Jack. You hated Alan, didn't you?

And wasn't he gonna see to it that your pension got stopped.

Yes. And Colleen, you two hated each other at first sight.

How dare you? I do not kill my passengers.

Hmm, that's what they all say.

But Terry's got you. Bang to rights, you going down.

Gemma. Love, I'm trying to do me thing here.

Sorry, Mr. Poirot. Well, carry on.

Besides, Jack won't spoil his final cruise

by bumping people off, Gemma. It's not his style.

Oh, right.

No. He'd much rather be diddling Mildred in her quarters.

So who is it then, Terry?

Justin?

Excuse me?

Yes, Justin.

You wanted to kill Colleen for her money, didn't you?

Oh, oh, and Colleen humiliated Emily as well, didn't she?

That proves nothing. Emily's been sniggered at

by hundreds of people while she's been singing.

I haven't killed any of them, have I?

And Alan. Of course.

Emily was having an affair with Alan, wasn't she?

Oh, God. Does he know? Don't know, does he?

Forget I said anything.

Justin, I know how it feels.

Watching someone you love loving someone else.

I spent years watching Gemma with loads of other blokes.

Loads.

An amount of blokes. And it hurt me. Deeply.

It's a good enough reason for killing someone,

who's having an affair with your wife, Justin. Wasn't it?

Justin, what, what's he saying, I don't understand.

Oh, give up, Emily, I've suspected since Christmas.

The times you said you were visiting your mother.

I've spoken to your mother. You were never there.

She won't let you in the house. Your mother hates you.

Well, she's just never taken the time to get to know me.

Anyway, Denise confirmed it for me last week.

Denise?

But I said I thought it was just a silly fling.

I was trying to help.

But you couldn't kill Alan even if you wanted to.

Could you, Justin?

No.

No. And why's that?

Because he made Emily happy.

Because he made Emily happy.

Oh Justin, but you and Emily can sort it all out now,

can't you?

Yeah, now that Alan's gone.

Oh, Terry, I see where you're going with this now.

It was Emily wasn't it?

bang on the money, my little ginger ninja.

Are you insinuating I did this, you pudgy little turd?

Oi!

It's no good trying to sweet talk me like that, Emily.

You needed Colleen's money.

You hated her for the things she'd said to you.

When you were worried that Alan was going to blow the lead

on your dirty little affair.

Yes, go on Terry. Woo hoo!

Gemma, Gemma, people have died.

Sorry. Sorry. On behalf of Draper's tours,

please accept our humblest sympathies

at this difficult time.

Except for you, Emily, you can suck it.

This pudgy little turd got you in the end and now it's over.

You can relax now, everyone. We're out of danger.

[metal breaking]

[passengers scream]

[Terry] This is it! What comes next, Emily?

[Gemma] Terry!

[Bobby] The DJ box is down people, the DJ box is down.

[Justin] The emergency generator

will kick in at any second, and everything will be alright.

[screams]

[alarms blaring]

Ah, see. Everything's going to be just fine.

I mean, of course, I could be wrong about the murderer.

[tense music]

[water splashing]

Everyone, watch your backs.

The killer could still be here in this room.

[radio crackles]

[Tracey] - This is the Captain?

Yes. Yes, go ahead.

[Tracey] We're taking on water

and the external communications are down.

Can't you pump the bloody water out?

[Tracey] We can't, sir,

the emergency pump hasn't kicked in yet- Aah!

Well, I'm going below to see if I can start the pumps.

Justin, you stay here, help the passengers.

If the murderer pops up, deal with that, will you?

Can I have a top up, please, Denise?

You know, seeing as it might be my last one ever.

Oh, help yourself, Terry.

There doesn't see much point in charging for them now.

You're gonna be all right, Justin.

Yeah. Denise is here. She's always here when I need her.

When Emily had her meltdowns,

like after her audition for The Voice, and X Factor,

and Bake Off! God, I thought she was going to kill me

after Bake Off, oh God.

Eh, I'll always be here, chicken.

You're, you're very close in this photo,

aren't you Denise?

We always have been, Terry.

Makes you wonder, Gemma, doesn't it?

What you might do if the love of your life

was taken away from you.

This was all about Justin, wasn't it?

You did all this just to be with him.

You murdered Alan and Emily just to punish them

for hurting your beloved Justin.

Terry, what reason would I have

to kill one of my best friends?

The reason that makes the world turn, Denise. Love.

The same reason that made me slightly embezzle some money

from three pensioners.

To get me and Gemma a better cabin.

And I'll bet she's just offered you six grand

to help you with your money troubles.

The exact same amount that Colleen won in the casino.

No.

Oh, right.

To be honest, that last one was a bit of a punt.

So, am I no longer under suspicion then?

I do have a dear friend here who has just lost his wife.

No, sorry Denise.

Guess I just let me mind run away with meself, I guess

And to think I gave you an industry discount

on your drinks.

Judeas Charmaz herself didn't get a discount.

That's a lovely photo.

I'm very sorry, Denise.

Terry is just trying to help, that's his way.

Sometimes it's endearing,

sometimes it's accusing people of murder.

He was wrong, Gemma.

Poor Denise has been here all night.

Well, except for when she's gone to get more drinks

from the... stock room.

Yeah, Mildred. In the stock room.

In Denise's locker.

She can get all over the ship from down there.

I knew I was right, I-

[passengers scream]

Well, seems like you got it all worked out, Terry.

Terry, she's got a gun.

I know. I can see it.

Everyone, the lights should be working again momentarily.

But the pump room is flooded.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good.

We may have to abandon ship.

And I didn't want to panic anyone,

but we don't seem to have any life jackets.

Oh.

Am I to assume you're the person responsible

for my passengers dying?

Very clever, Jackie.

Oh, Jack. She's got a gun. Do something.

Don't worry, Mildred. That's just a flare gun.

She only has one shot.

Yes, yes, well don't use it on me.

Shoot Terry, like you were going to.

Justin, we're leaving.

Why you doing this, Denise,

I thought Emily was your friend.

Friend? Well, for years I've kowtowed to her,

and I was fine with it.

As long as my Justin was happy.

And that's all I want, Justin.

You could start by not pointing a gun at my head.

[Denise laughs hysterically]

See, he's so funny. Aren't you, my love?

So when Emily started cheating on you,

I knew what I had to do. I only wanted to kill her.

But then everybody else kept getting in the way.

[passengers screaming]

And, Alan, well... how dare he turn up and slap my Justin?

He definitely had to go.

I mean that's straight forward justice, isn't it?

No, look, I've planned it perfectly.

And now this ship is going to sink,

taking all the dead bodies with it,

all the proof and all of you,

it'll just be me and Justin left in a life boat.

We can all get in life boats, Denise.

Really? And which ones haven't I put holes in, Jackie?

Come on. Let's get outta here.

[passengers screaming]

[alarm blaring]

I don't approve of her methods,

but you can't fault her passion for the old thing, can you?

So do we know who the murderer is yet?

[water splashing]

Come on, my Justin.

We'll be the brave survivors of a sinking ship.

You can still be a captain and I can be a captain's wife,

like the Beyonce and Jay Z of the North Sea, remember.

With none of the money, but all of the WiFi access.

Oh, Denise, the WiFi's free,

you just have to put in your email address.

We need to smash the door down.

I'll sort it.

I used to be a safe cracker.

Look. I did all this for you.

Come with me now, and just see how many more people I kill.

It'll hardly be any at all, I promise.

You're currently sinking a whole ship full of people.

Focus on the details, I'm not a monster,

I'm just highly motivated!

This'll shift it!

All right.

Mildred, Hilda, you two stay here.

This could be dangerous.

Terry's right, there's no sense

in all of us getting killed. We should stay.

Very brave, Jack.

[Denise] Open the door!

Denise, stop. You're right, you're right.

I am?

I've wanted you for so long, Denise.

As long as I can remember.

What? Really?

Yes. You're the only one who's ever really cared about me.

Who sat with me when I was revising

for my captain's licence? You did.

Who shaves my back

when it's coming over the top of my collar?

Me.

You do, Denise.

Oh, but I couldn't compete with Emily. She was perfect.

Only on the outside. And even then, only 10 to 12 years ago.

Some nights, I stay awake dreaming

of holding you in my arms.

And you can have me.

This moment is when we can make that happen.

Justin, what are you doing?

Just so you know, before you drown,

I didn't kill your Colleen.

I'll admit, I killed the others,

but I never touched your friend.

Oh, if I were you, I'd go to the bar

and I'd get a brandy in you.

The water's really cold.

You'll not get away with this.

Oh, I think I will.

[flare gun fires]

No, Denise. You won't.

Justin, why?

For Emily. She may have had her faults-

So many faults.

We haven't got time to list them now,

but I still loved her, Denise.

And you took her away from me.

I'm cold.

I'm here. I'll be here until, you know, well, you die.

Forgive me.

No.

[thunder rumbles]

[Jack] How are we doing out there?

It's over. She's dead.

We're saved!.

Hilda, the ship is still sinking.

Justin, we need to get the pump started.

We need to save the ship.

I'm on it. Come on, Terry.

Where are we going?

To save about a hundred lives.

He gets a bit sexy when he's in command, don't he?

You always say that, but take away the uniform

and he's just a bossy bloke with a lot of purpose.

The main pump room is flooded,

but I can swim across it and get to the pumps.

Once I'm there, I'll start them up, and we should be okay.

It's a bit of a distance, but I think I can make it.

Can I say, I'm loving your use of the word "I".

You've not said "we" once. And I'm very grateful for it.

Don't worry, Terry.

Your only job is to stand there and keep the rope taut.

If I get in trouble, I'll pull once on it,

and you can pull me back.

Your luck's in. Standing still is one of my strengths.

Good luck.

For Emily.

I was wondering, you know,

seeing as we're not entirely sure we're not going to drown,

Right?

If I could ask you something.

Go for it.

Well, Gemma, for years we were friends. Now, we're more-

If you're gonna ask me

what I think you're going to ask me,

you can wait and do it somewhere a bit more romantic.

I'm gonna hopefully get to tell people where you did this,

and standing in a smelly plank room

on a sinking ship is not going to be it.

Right. Yeah. Wrong time.

He's taking his time, aint he?

This were a movie, he'd be done by now.

It's gone slack. What does that mean?

Well, I don't know, pull it.

All right.

Terry, I don't think he's made it.

Give him a sec.

Right.

Shall we go up on deck? Enjoy one last moonlit night

before it's all over?

Well, we can raid the bar and get slaughtered.

Might make it a bit easier when the ship goes down.

And that is why I love you.

I did it. Pumps are running.

We're going to make it.

Where were you going?

Just looking for some, some more rope.

Come on then, we've got passengers to reassure.

[dramatic music]

This is your Captain speaking for the final time.

The Empress of the Tyne has arrived in Amsterdam.

It has been my honour to deliver you sa-

well, most of you, safely.

And I hope the Captain of the new Empress

will take away as many happy memories as I know I do.

Thank you.

[gentle music]

Well, we got here.

Oh, hello.

Looks like they got what they were looking for

in the safety deposit box.

Oh, come on, girls. What's Marge leave you, then?

The jackpot, Gemma, the bloody jackpot.

Yes.

Whoa.

It's a shame that Colleen isn't here

to enjoy it with you, though.

Oh, not really.

We each ended up with more on account of her being dead.

It's still bothering me though,

that even at the end,

Denise said that she hadn't killed Colleen.

Well, that's because she didn't kill her, dear. I did.

Hilda!

Did I forget to mention it?

She wanted me to.

Had a tumour, you see, in her head.

And we said she should go to Switzerland,

that dignity place,

the one where they pop you off with the nice music playing.

But she said it would be better coming from a friend.

So I stepped up, like a good friend should,

and bashed her head right in.

Oh my God.

Colleen never mentioned any tumour to me.

Oh yes, she couldn't walk for the pain.

Hilda, Colleen walked onto the ship with us.

Oh, yes. Who am I thinking about then?

Doris?

Doris, oh, it's very sad.

Last week she died of a brain tumour.

Mildred, I think I've killed the wrong person.

Well, I think we should, er...

We should...

I think what you're trying to say is

that we shouldn't bother the police with this. Should we?

Well, that's one way to look at it, Mildred, yeah.

And we could all agree to just forget this ever happened.

I promise I will, Mildred.

I don't doubt you for a second, Hilda.

But I've got ask, what happened with Colleen's money?

I mean, you've got your millions now,

but what happened to the six grand?

Don't worry. I did the right thing with that.

Everything on black, please.

[Table hand] - Seven red.

Woo hoo!

Oh.

I think I better look after our money from now on.

We're meeting Jack later.

He's going to give us some financial advice.

Come on, Hilda, let's go shopping.

Keep your hands where I can see them.

By the look of you, you might still have the bloodlust.

Come on.

She's going to wish she'd held on to that six grand.

80 pence.

What?

What I'm holding. Sudanese shillings.

They're worth about 80 pence, look at the exchange rate.

They're walking round Amsterdam

with about a hundred quid's worth of collapsed currency.

Wait till you see the look on Jack's face.

Should I go and tell them?

Nah, let them enjoy the moment.

Well, you know what they say.

Life's all about moments, isn't it?

It's not the amounts of breath you take,

it's the moments that take your breath away.

Ah. Are you drunk?

No.

I'm doing this.

Gemma, for years we were just friends, oh-

Oh, for f-

's sake!

[gentle music plays]