Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Jane McDonald, and I'm crazy about cruising.

It's just magnificent.

It's not just me who thinks it's magnificent.

About 30 million people sail to foreign shores each year...

Up there.

This is amazing!

..from sun seekers and explorers, to couples, families

and solo sailors.

Look at this!

I fell in love with the ocean life after working as a singer

on the ships...

Oh, he wants me to drink it.

..and now I'm a passenger, I can't stop singing its praises.

It's an adventure.

It is exciting, isn't it?

So come aboard.

I'm going to share everything I know to make sure

you have the greatest time.

This has completely taken my breath away.

This time, I'm totally tropical...

I'm loving your work, loving your work.

..cruising the Caribbean on this spanking new

and blinking high megaship.

I actually got neckache just looking up at it.

Along the way, I'll be taking an airboat round the Everglades...

There's a lot of flesh on these arms.

Probably thinking, "Tasty bingo wing!"

..doing my best bongo in the Bahamas...

Ursula Andress, I am not.

..reliving memories in St Thomas...

Last time I was here, I got married.

I don't think I'll be doing that again.

..and enduring a perfect storm in Sint Maarten.

Ease, sandy! Sandy, ease!

Oh, my God! What just happened?

Two weeks sailing around the world's most stunning sea.

Go on, then.

I'm knackered already.

Endless sun and guaranteed fun, this is where to come.

There's more than 1,300 miles of coastline in Florida,

enough to keep any beach lover happy.

But for me, it's only the start of an adventure,

as it's from here where my ship will set sail for the Caribbean

later this evening.

We're in Fort Lauderdale.

This is probably one of my most favourite places in the whole world!

I love it here, because when I was on the ships, working on the ships,

this is where I docked.

Oh, it's so warm.

Ease in.

Thanks very much.

Fresh off my overnight flight from the UK,

I'm taking a 12-minute taxi ride back to that very same dock -

Port Everglades.

I sailed out of here for five years when I was employed on the ships.

It feels great to be back here,

but it's really strange not going through the staff gangway.

But I must admit, it's grown in size,

cos it never used to be this big, but it's huge now.

There's just ships everywhere.

Around 850 of them each year, in fact,

together carrying 4 million passengers.

And that's incredible.

About 22,000 just today will go through this port.

And you know what they say about big ports.

Aye! Big ships.

This is the vessel I'm going to have as my home

for the next two weeks.

Look at it.

It's massive!

It's called a megaship.

I've actually got a neckache just looking up at it.

With a staggering 19 decks,

the Sky Princess accommodates over 3,500 passengers.

It's only 9am, and we don't actually set sail for another ten hours.

So, as I checked in online before leaving Wakey,

I can simply drop my bag off, acquaint myself with the ship

and spend a full day exploring beforehand.

Good job I slept well on the plane!

Hi. How are you?

I'm really well. Is this all I do? Beautiful.

That's it? Jane, right? Yeah.

I've never been through this before.

Now what happens is, you download everything on your phone,

and it's like ticketing on your phone.

So you're already checked in.

You just come and see these people here, get a medallion.

I don't know what a medallion is.

The medallion is a very unique thing. Right.

It looks just like this.

OK. And what it's going to do,

it's going to enable you to get on and off the ship,

cos they're going to scan it and your picture is going to pop up.

It's also able to unlock the cabin door, which is kind of unique.

Yeah. That'll help you out, like, navigating my ship.

And also, if you want to buy something in the gift shop

or the lounge, it also is going to be tied to your credit card,

and you'll be able to use this as well.

So it does everything that the room keys used to do,

but it's a lot more fun.

Now, your name should be on it right here. Yeah.

Oh, it matches my top and everything!

Fantastic! Thanks a lot.

Bye, bye!

Now, a word for any would-be medallion men and women

who may be watching...

Woohoo!

Oh, it's fab in here.

All this new technology may be very impressive,

but you are on a cruise ship, where some things never change.

Please remember that everything that you use this for,

you're going to pay for at the end of it.

And this is one ship where you won't struggle to spend.

It's got seven decks of retail bars and eateries, plus 16 restaurants,

along with three pools, a spa and a theatre.

And for those who are feeling lucky, there's even a casino.

Right, what do we do? Oh, look at this!

Hi. Hi. Welcome on board, ma'am.

Thank you very much. Miss Jane?

Yes. McDonald? Uh-huh.

Can I take a picture? Yeah. Thank you.

Is it good? It'll have to do.

Can you put a filter on that?

Well, that was simple enough. Just have to find me room now!

Right, starboard.

Which is port and which is starboard?

I don't know which is pointy end and which is not.

Erm, hang on a minute.

SHE MUMBLES Let's have a look.

This way.

God, it's big, isn't it?

Ah-ha! Yay, I'm here!

So I put that here, do I?

Look at that.

Oh, wow, look at this!

Oh, I'm happy with this. Come in.

Oh, it's fabulous, isn't it?

Oh, it's all brand-spanking-new.

Nice, I got a fridge.

What a lovely, lovely room!

I also love this - it's a desk.

Cos I write a journal every night.

So this is perfect for me. Oh, wahey!

That's great. Plenty of hangers. I need them.

Nice little bathroom.

It is unusual to get baths, but... SHE LAUGHS

..happy me!

SING-SONGY: I really like it!

Oh, somebody's brought me flowers.

When you're choosing your cabin, it's your cabin.

There is a budget for everybody, but there's also a cabin for everybody.

I've chose this one because I get a balcony.

But what do you really want out of it?

Do you want to see the world from your cabin,

or would you like to be up at the pool?

Because if you're going to be outside all the time,

you just get an inside cabin.

Sort of makes sense, doesn't it?

A lot cheaper, and then you can spend it being outside all the time.

Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love a good old mingle,

whether it's around the pool, in the bars, restaurants

or anywhere else on this colossal ship,

but cruising's also about me time.

And this is very me.

Oh, yeah!

This is what I like.

I like the outside space.

I like to be able to sit here, read a book,

take in the sea when we're at sea,

have a cup of tea and just watch the world go by.

And that, to me, is a holiday. I want a rest when I come on holiday.

So this room is specific to me.

OK, I've checked out my room, and there'll be plenty of time

to tour the rest of the ship later,

because right now I need to make use of the time it's tied up in port,

by taking a 45-minute drive west to somewhere

I've been told you must see.

And this is my destination, the Everglades -

or "Sea of Grass", as the locals call it.

Covering 1.5 million acres, this vast wetland

is half the size of Yorkshire with even bolshier residents.

Over 200,000 alligators live here.

And if you want to come face-to-face with some of them,

the best and safest way is by airboat.

Oh, this is it!

Yay!

Hi! Good morning. Good morning. How are you? Doing well, how are you?

Pleasure to meet you. I'm Marshall Jones. I'm Jane.

Nice to meet you, Jane. Right.

Hi there, I'm Jane. Casey. Nice to meet you.

Casey, nice to see you.

Marshall's family have been running airboat tours here for 75 years.

I pre-booked mine online.

Right. Oh, hey up! Do we need these?

You should definitely wear those. Really? Why?

Well, it's pretty darn loud.

Are you driving us? I am. Fantastic, Marshall!

This is the most thrilling thing you can do in the Everglades... Yeah.

..short of wrestling an alligator. Fabulous!

Each of these flat-bottomed craft can reach speeds of up to 50 miles

an hour, and their speciality, so Marshal's just decided to tell me,

is twirlies!

It seemed a good idea when I booked it.

ENGINE ROARS

Blimey, that's... That's why you need these!

Ah!

All right, everybody, hold on.

JANE SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

Woo!

Oh, my God!

I'm bloody drenched!

JANE SCREAMS

Absolutely wet through.

JANE CHUCKLES I'm gonna have you!

Next, I venture deeper and explore the wonder of the Everglades...

Alligator, alligator, right in front of us. Oh, my God!

..and, as my supersized ship sets sail...

Oh, wow! This is fantastic. Look at that.

..I take a walk on the wild side.

If you don't like heights, don't do this bit.

Welcome back to my Caribbean cruise adventure,

although the eagle-eyed amongst you will spot that I'm not actually

in the Caribbean yet, but still in Florida -

from where my ship's due to sail at 8pm sharp.

As I was all checked in by midday, I've headed 33 miles inland

to experience something I've never done before -

an airboat tour around the Everglades.

It's so exciting, because you're on land one minute,

and then you're in the reeds.

It's just amazing.

It's fab!

I wish I could say the same for the smell, though.

That pungent pong in the air could be stagnant swamp water.

On the other hand, it could be fear.

And here's why.

Alligator. Alligator right in front of us.

Oh, wow!

So here's your first close encounter with the American alligator.

Oh, my God.

I know!

So here we have what I believe is a female alligator,

because of how white her teeth are.

Do they just clean the teeth a bit more often, the women around here?

Well, the alligators' nest is a very large compost pile.

And the way they get the grass to break loose is by grabbing it

with their teeth and thrashing it, which polishes their teeth.

The males don't ever do that, so their teeth are kind of grody.

Wow!

Sounds familiar.

Anyway, at this point in the trip, I'd normally whip out my guidebook

and tell you all there is to know about gators and why you'll find

so many of them right here.

But hey, I've got Marshall!

Channels like this produce lots of food for them,

be it turtles, gators, fish, snakes, birds - you name it.

Everything they could possibly want to eat is right here. Wow!

Jane. Yeah? It is possible for alligators

to jump nearly half their body length into the air,

so please keep that in mind as we get close to these alligators.

Don't reach out over top of them, because you never know,

they might try to jump up and take your hand.

Oh, right.

Erm...

I think I'll keep my hands within the boat.

You see, there's a lot of flesh on these arms, you see,

and they're looking very, very delicious, probably,

to an alligator.

Probably thinking, "Tasty bingo wing there", you know?

She's coming for you, Jane!

Don't say that. LAUGHTER

Well, I don't fancy being lunch, but I do fancy eating some,

and luckily for me, it's included on this tour.

All right, we are back, ladies and gentlemen.

Please watch your step getting off the boat. One at a time.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

What's this? Frog legs and gator bites. Frog...

Frogs' legs and gator bites? Yes, ma'am.

Not quite what I was expecting, but when in the Everglades...

So what does gator taste like?

The chicken of the Everglades. Really? Absolutely.

It's a very white meat like chicken breast.

Oh, I like that.

For us locals, alligator is still a delicacy

because we can only harvest two a year. Right.

I've never eaten alligator before,

but I'm always willing to give something a try. Yeah.

It's very good. I'm going in.

You'll definitely enjoy it. I'm sure.

I'm going in for the gator.

Mm!

Oh, that is really good.

That taste's like a really, really, really good

chicken nugget, you know?

No, it doesn't, cos it's so much better.

I'd just like to say thank you so, so much for your company today,

showing me such a great trip. You're welcome.

And... But I've really got to get off

cos I've got a boat to catch, so...

But thanks ever so much. You're welcome back any time.

Thank you for coming to see us. Bless you.

I think when you go on holiday, you should do things

out of your comfort zone.

Today I've eaten alligator, I've eaten frogs' legs.

But this was an exciting, exhilarating,

really fabulous trip today.

And it's only Day 1!

Actually, I'm back again.

Can I just take one more for the road?

All right!

Right, I'm having that one.

See you later, alligator.

Hey! After a while, crocodile!

I thoroughly recommend this trip -

thrills, chills and mind-blowing vistas.

But now I'm heading back to port,

just in time to board this shiny new 19-deck megaship,

along with 3,500 fellow passengers.

And if I'm going to sail down to the tropics,

I might as well put myself in the mood.

Hi, can I have a Key West cooler, please?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

You've got to come up and have a cocktail while you sail away.

It's just the law.

This one's vodka, coconut rum liqueur, cranberry and orange juice.

Mwah!

Do you need that?

Yes, please. Just give me a moment.

Thank you. Thank you!

Rock and roll.

Little tip -

if you add a drinks package to your ticket before you board,

you can just pay with your medallion.

There are plenty to choose from on the cruise company's website.

Just pick the one that suits based on what you like to drink

and how much.

We are sailing!

Come on, the Caribbean!

Ooh, I do love sail away.

It not only marks the start of your holidays,

it's the perfect opportunity to meet your fellow passengers...

Ta-ra, Fort Lauderdale. Bye!

..like the Housley family. They're from Barnsley, you know?

Have you been here before?

Yeah, I used to sail out of here

when I was a cruise ship singer all them years ago.

Have you been to the Caribbean before?

Yeah, we've been a couple times. Have you? Do you like it there?

Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah.

And it's great to see somebody so young

having a great time on a cruise, cos I think...

You know, it's a family thing now, isn't it? It is. All right.

Glad you're enjoying it. Enjoying quality time together.

Quality time - that's what it's all about, isn't it?

And where better to spend that quality time

than floating around the Caribbean?

Our first leg will take us southeast from Fort Lauderdale

towards the private resort of Princess Cays on Eleuthera.

From there, we'll continue along to the Virgin Isles

and one of my favourite places in the world, St Thomas.

After that, we're going Dutch on Sint Maarten.

We'll then head back to Florida for a quick changeover

and start the second leg of this fabulous cruise.

It'll take two full days to get to our first stop,

so time to whip out my stick and show you

some of the fabulous features on board.

This is a massive ship.

I have got no idea where I am, and so I'm off for a wander.

You'll have to forgive the voice.

It must have been all that screaming on the airboat.

Let's call it...husky.

Wow, it's huge, isn't it?

I love all the ornate touches on the ship.

It's glitzy. It's glam.

In fact, ignore the water

and you could be walking down Knightsbridge.

Oh, wow!

This is fantastic. Look at that!

If you don't like heights, don't do this bit.

I honestly could spend hours just walking 'round

and exploring like this -

not that there's a shortage of entertainment, mind.

Most people head for that centre pool

because there's lots of things going on there.

There's dancing, teaching, Zumba.

There's films going on.

But if you want something a little bit more sedate,

you can find places on the ship that are quiet.

This buffet offers world cuisine - and there's no need to book.

There are 15 other restaurants to choose from,

offering everything from sushi and pizza to seafood...

..and for those with a sweet tooth, gelato.

Most do require a reservation, though, so, to be sure of a place -

especially on the four sea days - do book ahead.

This is quite nice, isn't it?

See what I mean about your own little area?

That's grand. Look at that!

There's a lovely big sundeck.

So if my balcony is in the shade,

here is where you'll find me and my book,

taking in the view and the sea air.

This ship is as wide as the Statue of Liberty.

And if you laid the Eiffel Tower down,

it would be as long as this ship.

It is rather big.

But you've still got your quiet areas.

Here's your little golf course - somebody playing golf there.

Now, we're on our way, we've set sail,

and we're off on our holidays to the Bahamas.

Now, when I started cruising, an abacus and a ready reckoner

were the height of technology. Not any more.

Here, the whole vessel,

in fact, the entire world, is just a click away -

once you've found your way into the tech zone, that is.

Hello! Hi there.

Is this where you get your internet sorted? That's correct, yes.

I can't... I can't get on.

OK, well, let's take a look-see.

Right. So...you are connected now. We can see that here.

OK. Yeah, so now you can open the app.

All right. We have a little profile for yourself.

So, you have your journey,

and it actually shows you all of the itinerary.

That's amazing!

Cos the amount of days I wake up and think,

"I don't know where I am," you know, or my name sometimes, even.

So this is... This is really good.

Now, another thing that is very, very nice here,

if you hit on this little icon up here... OK.

..you can actually find your shipmates. You can chat with people.

Oh, yeah, that's telling me where I am!

I'm very impressed with that.

As someone who is not very good at finding internet, even,

and GSpots - or whatever they are -

I find this is really helpful.

And if I can use it, trust me, anybody can.

Thank you so much. It is my pleasure.

So, to recap, the app gives you the cruise itinerary,

a map with a GPS, so you'll never get lost,

and it shows you where your mates are.

No smartphone? No worries.

There are interactive touchscreens all over the ship

that you can have a play with.

Right. While I've been screen-surfing,

the ship's been sailing.

And overnight, we've covered 265 miles

to reach our first port of call, the Bahamas.

I'll never forget the first time I came to these islands.

They took my breath away then and they still do now.

I mean, just look all that pure white sand

and crystal-clear blue water.

No wonder over 5 million visitors come here each year.

Madam Jane, enjoy your day. Thank you!

There are 700 islands in the Bahamas, and this one, Eleuthera,

is home to the cruise's own private beach resort,

where we'll be spending the day.

With the ship anchored offshore,

it's just a ten-minute tender ride to get here.

Just don't forget - grab your swimming costume and towel

from your cabin. Hope they make me feel welcome!

I'm good, thank you... Hey!

SHE LAUGHS

I've just had my picture taken with a pirate!

This 40-acre resort gives passengers of the ship exclusive use

of its half-a-mile long golden beach.

There'll be plenty of time to meet some of those friendly faces,

but first, I'm going to enjoy some time and space to myself

in one of these beach-side bungalows.

The boat is spectacular, a mega, but it's very busy.

And I sometimes like to get away from it all

and just a little bit of quiet.

I'm going to pull that out a little bit,

and I'm just going to sit here and watch the world go by...

..because I'm on me holidays...

..which means...

..I can do what I want.

Oh, this is lovely!

As the resort's part of the cruise itself,

your food here is included.

And perhaps more importantly, your drinks package also applies.

You can either walk to one of the bars or sit back and enjoy

beach bungalow service.

Mm!

SIGHS: This is smashing.

The sound of the sea is so hypnotic,

I can't help but drift in and out of sleep as the hours pass.

Now I'm suitably relaxed, I think it's time for a mingle.

That's nice.

Hi. Can I sit here for a minute? Of course!

Aw, bless you!

Thank you so much... I've been sat up there on my own for ages.

I'm Jane, sorry. I'm Amber.

Amber, nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Michael. Michael...

Chandler. Chandler! Oh, I like that - Friends.

I bet you got that all the time! All the time, all the time!

And I'm sorry about that. LAUGHS: It's all good.

So have you been here before? Yeah. To this island? Yeah.

Yeah, we used to live on this island back when we were younger.

Yes. Really? Mm-hm. Yeah, far on the north side.

Yeah! Yeah. We haven't been back in a long time.

Like, I was here nine years ago last time, I think.

Wow! Enjoying it so far? ALL: Yeah.

How about you? Yeah, I'm loving it!

I thought I wanted a bit of peace and quiet,

but after so much peace and quiet, I got really bored with myself.

We're actually about to go do the bikes over there,

if you want to join us...? Really? Mm-hm. Well, I'm up for it.

Let's do it! Chandler, I'm up for it. Come on. Let's do it!

Coming up...

THEY LAUGH

..my Bahaman challenge gets under way...

I'm knackered already!

..and as the Atlantic gives way to the spectacular Caribbean,

it's time to learn all about rhythm and reggae.

STEEL PANS PLAY Can't remember it!

Have to have a good memory for this!

Hello again. I'm on Day 2 of my tropical cruise of a lifetime.

We've stopped off in the Bahamas -

or the Bahamas island of Eleuthera, to be exact -

where I'm enjoying some time on the ship's private vessel.

Can we do girl-boy, girl-boy? Because I want them to do the work!

Oh, yeah, absolutely!

Fellow cruisers Amber, Michael and Chandler

actually used to live here, so when it comes to riding aqua trikes,

their local knowledge should come in handy.

Ooh, this is a bit snug!

Even that mightn't be enough to help me, though.

Ooh!

THEY LAUGH

OK! Oh, that's such a relaxing sound, the little pitter-patter.

Isn't it? Yeah!

As you can see, I'm not as fast as you!

I'm knackered already.

The aqua trikes work out at around £20 an hour.

They work you out too.

God, this is hard work, Chandler! I know.

Ooh! Slow down!

How come you're so fit? LAUGHTER

They're trying to get jobs! My little legs can barely...

I swear... My legs have given up.

LAUGHTER

JANE LAUGHS

I'm, like, looking for fishies down below me.

When we lived in the Bahamas... Yeah.

..I've had a couple of, like, the shark scares. Really? Oh, my gosh.

We were, like, out here at a coral reef, me and this guy,

just like snorkelling around... Uh-huh. ..and all the sudden,

one, like, starts zigzagging towards us, which mean it's about to attack.

GASPS: You must have been frightened to death!

Oh, oh, yeah! Nearly pooped my pants! I'll bet you did!

I think anybody would've done.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good holiday anecdote -

I'm just not sure I want to hear about one about sharks right now!

It was a big bull shark...

Oh, God, there's more.

..and I looked forward,

and what I thought was two sharks coming right towards me... Yeah.

..coming the other direction. And I was like, "OK, I'm dead."

Like, "I'm done."

And they ended up being dolphins,

and they, like, blew bubbles around it and, like, scared it off

and then, like, disappeared. It was like guardian angels or something.

Yeah, you must've... Flipping heck! Two dolphins saved your life.

I know. Literally.

That's amazing!

Did we go out past where we're supposed to? I don't know!

Floating around this crystal-clear blue water is incredible,

but an hour is long enough to have something unfamiliar

between your legs.

Oh, my God!

That's my workout for the day. And mine! I can't even walk!

HE LAUGHS

But, hey, we did it... We did. ..and that's all that matters.

Good job. Thank you!

Yeah. Yay!

I hardly did anything, to be honest.

I know! I couldn't do that either! Your legs?

I couldn't walk when I got out!

I'm very impressed. You were off, weren't you? You were off.

Yeah, yeah, it was all me.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you so much for allowing me to gate-crash. Yeah, no!

But I'm absolutely exhausted. THEY LAUGH

Thanks a lot! Bye!

Ooh!

God!

Blimey! It's a good job I had him.

My legs may feel like jelly,

but being on the water is where I was born to be -

although there's nothing quite like being in it, is there?

I don't feel as if I've been on my holidays

until I've been in the sea, really.

And no matter how many pools are on board,

it's just not the sea, is it? So I'm going in.

Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

SHE LAUGHS

This may be the Atlantic, but we are close to the Caribbean -

so once you're in, it's like having a bath.

But wonderful as it is, there's always the worry of getting out.

SHE LAUGHS

There's a lot of rocks here!

SHE LAUGHS

Well, Ursula Andress, I am not.

But I'm really glad that I had a swim.

It feels so good.

And I'm in the Bahamas, with the sun shining.

It's just amazing, isn't it?

It's Day 3 - and with a full 24 hours till our next stop,

I'm having a chill day.

That sore throat of mine's now developing into a full-blown cold.

The ship's doctor tells me I've got laryngitis to boot.

So I'm spoiling myself with a bit of room service.

Ooh, look what I've got!

This is my favourite part of cruising.

I love to just sit on the balcony and watch the sea

and have a cup of coffee and a chocolate.

Look at these! They're all made on board.

You don't usually see chocolates handmade like this on a ship,

so this is quite something.

Mm! Mm!

That's just really rich home-made chocolate.

Indulgent? OK, I'll give you that. Ain't half-comforting, though.

You think they're going to be there later?

Nah.

Cos they're just saying, aren't they, "Eat me"?

Not yet. I'm going to tease you.

Or they're going to tease me, more like, aren't they?

As I'm a little under the weather, I'm taking it easy this afternoon,

but there are lots of ways to work off any excess chocolate weight

while on board.

There's a walking track, Zumba class

and, for the country and Western fans out there, line dancing.

I do love a bit of do-si-doing!

You can book any of these activities, either in person

or through the ship's smartphone app.

I love anything that's in keeping with the location,

and this cruise offers just that - a steel drum lesson!

Sorry, just got a bit carried away!

It's a popular choice, so I had to book two days ahead.

OK, this is going to be a serious task this morning.

No, I'm joking. We're here for fun.

My name is Trevor Cole.

I play the steel pan, which is originated in Trinidad and Tobago,

started in the early 1940s.

A lot of people say steel drum,

but the guys that made it prefer it to be called steel pan.

Do you know, early versions of this instrument were actually

made out of car parts, paint pots and even biscuit tins.

They still made some great tunes, though!

Now, today, I want to teach you a song done

by the one and only Bob Marley.

We're going to play One Love.

All right.

So we're going to play,

"One love, one heart.

"Let's get together and feel all right."

Left hand on the B, right hand on the D.

Give it one tap together.

Now go back to those same two notes and give it a roll.

Right, like this.

OK. Never done this before!

All right, so it's tap, roll, then you go up to A and C.

All right? Relax, feel free.

STEEL PAN MUSIC Can't remember it!

Have to have a good memory for this!

All right.

I know you got this. One, two, three!

Tap, roll!

Tap, roll.

You see that?

All right!

OK. I'll say 90%, I'll say 90%.

The full 30-minute lesson teaches you the whole song,

but I'll be happy enough to learn the chorus -

and delighted if I can pick it up like some of my cruise mates.

Got it, got it, got it! How have you done that?!

You done this before? No! Amazing! Never done it before.

You're really good at memory, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're remembering.

Oh, yeah! All right.

So let's do this together now. OK.

One, two, three!

# One love, one heart

# Let's get together and feel

# All right! #

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. We love you. Thank you.

MAN: Thank you! APPLAUSE

Well done, girls! Great to meet you. All the best! Bye!

That was really good fun. I enjoyed it.

It's all about memories, not so much musicality like a piano.

It's knowing where the... Which bits go with it.

But I'm like... I could join the band now! Not, not!

OK, that little musical interlude over,

it's time to prepare for our next stop.

Since leaving the Bahamas behind,

we've sailed another 845 miles east to the island of St Thomas.

It may be located in the American Virgin Islands,

but it's certainly not my first time.

In fact, it was the setting of one of my major life events.

Can't wait to see how much it's changed since then!

St Thomas!

Good morning! Good morning. How are you?

Really well. How are you? Enjoy your day! Yeah! Always.

CARIBBEAN MUSIC PLAYS

Can't help but dance, can you?

St Thomas is home to the Virgin Islands' capital city,

Charlotte Amalie, as well as around 50,000 people.

It's safe enough for visitors today, but back in the 18th century,

it was a hideout for the real Pirates of the Caribbean.

I've got my own history with this place.

So while it's tempting to go for a dip in one of the stunning bays,

I'm choosing a walk down memory lane.

It's a beautiful, beautiful place.

Last time I was here, I got married.

LAUGHS: I don't think I'll be doing that this time!

It was a beautiful wedding. A lot of you saw it on the telly.

Ah, St Thomas!

SHE LAUGHS

I've still got great memories of being here with Henrik,

even though it didn't work out and we got divorced.

It was a great time in my life.

And that feeling just comes back, doesn't it?

It's great.

And there's more of my unexplored delights of St Thomas on the way...

..including a breathtaking sunset by cable car...

Gorgeous viewpoint! It's well worth going up for this.

..and although my voice worsens...

SCRATCHILY: I didn't realise just how much I talk...until now.

..it's not enough to stop my enjoyment of Sint Maarten.

We're going to burn them. We're a top team!

It's Day 4 of my Caribbean cruising adventure,

and I'm in St Thomas in the American Virgin Islands -

once my home from home.

Last time, I was in a wedding dress.

But this time, I've gone for something light and airy

that's suited to this warm February weather.

I used to come here every two weeks for about ten months.

I got kept on the ship for three contracts,

and this bit looks like exactly the same.

But has it changed from above?

I'm about to find out, as our ship doesn't sail to late -

10pm, in fact - so the cruise company is treating me

and my fellow passengers to a party while we wait,

a sunset party 700 feet above sea level!

Thank you very much.

Woohoo!

And now I've got my ticket,

it's just an eight-minute ride up on the cable car -

easily enough time to make some new friends.

Hi, I'm Jane. Fay. Fay. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

Have you ever been here before?

Yeah, but never been this late.

No, me neither.

I've been here loads of times. Never been able to see the sunset.

Yeah. We normally will depart earlier.

Yeah. This time, it's to 9pm. That's true.

Eight per cabin, don't worry.

Fabulous.

Oh, that's great.

Where are you from? Virginia. Oh, lovely.

Have you done this before?

No. We've been to St Thomas several times, I think.

I don't knew how many. Lost count.

No, we've never been here this late ever.

Look at that. Oh, my goodness.

There's the boat.

Everything is straight downstairs.

They call this place Paradise Point. No prizes for guessing why.

Look at that. That's amazing.

Gorgeous viewpoint here. It's well worth coming up here for this.

I could stand there for hours just looking out.

Beautiful, beautiful!

But now it's party time!

This area is reserved exclusively for us cruise passengers

and offers everyone a free welcome tipple.

So I've bagged a table with my newly-made mates

and I'm ready to soothe my sore throat with something medicinal.

What's your best rum cocktail? Our rum punch.

We mix the different flavours of rum with fruit punch.

Put me down for one of those. OK.

Have you ever heard about our Bushwacker? It was invented here.

It was invented here. Fantastic.

We use dark rum, Coco Lopez, Frangelico,

Amaretto, Baileys, of course, vodka,

Kahlua, coffee liqueur,

chocolate liqueur.

Put him down for the Bushwacker. You're going to be relaxed after this.

We do have wheelbarrows and stands if you need to go back down the hill. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

I'll have a Bushwacker also. That's two...

Can you just bring me a little taste of that?

Of course. I'm loving your work.

Loving your work.

This was the best table to get on for me.

The view from up here is sensational

and gets better with every passing minute.

It's taken me over 20 years to see it, and as I watch the sun go down,

you can bet me cocktail will be going the same way.

Oh, that looks good.

Cheers, everyone.

Lovely to meet you!

Oh-ho-ho...! Good? That's a two thumbs up.

That's really good.

Thank you so much.

Right, so this is the Bushwhacker.

Mm!

Oh, that's... That's fantastic.

This is really good, isn't it?

It'll cure whatever ails you.

You know what? I'm glad you've said that.

I don't drink that much anyway...

..but I just think having a good drink will get rid of anything.

Don't you think?

So I'm going to finish this.

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Meanwhile, it's time to say goodnight and goodbye to a place

that'll always have a special place in my heart.

Right, we're spending the night steaming 120 miles east.

Our destination - Sint Maarten, the final stop on this first leg

of the cruise.

I've got a busy day ahead and could do with feeling

in good shape.

Sadly, the medicinal cocktail didn't do its job.

WHISPERING: I've lost my voice.

Never in my life have I lost my voice.

I feel all right, I've just got no voice.

I didn't realise just how much I talk...

..until now.

Right. Come on.

Let's go.

Measuring just 14 square miles,

Sint Maarten's about half the size of Blackpool.

No donkey rides or candyfloss, but there are 37 stretches of sand.

And if the beauty of Maho Beach doesn't blow you away,

the jumbo jets coming into land might just do the trick.

WIND BLOWS HARD

Sailing is the main attraction here, though,

being home to the sport's most thrilling race, the America's Cup.

These waters have seen a whole host of yachts go head-to-head

since 1851 - perhaps most famously, the Stars and Stripes, which helped

sailor Dennis Conner win this race three times in the '80s.

I've decided to take a walk in his deck shoes and book myself

on a unique racing experience with some of my fellow passengers.

They're probably sick of hearing me talking by now.

So for them, today's a good day.

No, but I sail. I do a lot of racing. Oh, wow.

That one's lovely. That's brilliant.

I'm sticking with you.

HE CHUCKLES I'm with him.

Hey, guys, good morning! My name's David!

We need to break you guys down into teams.

So, let's see here.

Ma'am, what is your name?

Teri. Teri.

And back there in the blue, what's your name?

Jane. Excellent. Come this way, Teri.

I'm staying with him! Come this way, Jane.

Ladies, will you please shake hands?

You're now sworn enemies!

You're our team captains!

CHEERING

Teri, is there anybody here with you today?

Yes. Are they sailing with you today?

Yes. Then have them come over and join you.

If you're here with Teri, please make a straight line

behind your team captain.

Jane, do you have anybody here with you today?

That man there. He's sailing with you today? He is.

Have him come over. Straight line behind your team captain.

You want big guys. Big guys, you want.

OK, after getting our teams together,

we now get assigned our boats.

The name of mine - the Stars and Stripes.

I need to assign everybody a crew position.

Going to be active today?

Oh, yeah. Excellent. You're going to be a main grinder.

Grindr?

Ain't that like...Tinder?

Sort of.

Heard you might be the timekeeper today, Jane.

Timekeeper. Excellent.

Please protect this.

It's my favourite one. OK.

All right.

Guys, please remember the jobs that I assigned you.

We're going to get on the tender and head out to the yacht.

So just to recap, I'm the captain and the timekeeper.

I must look like I know what I'm doing, at least.

Last but not least, Captain Jane,

head on up - timekeeper, bartender, tactician, moral support.

She's in charge, really.

Hold on.

Or maybe not.

If I go overboard...

..I can't scream.

There's every chance that could happen and all. Because most of us

on this boat haven't sailed before, a crash course from the crew

was very much needed.

Left hand right here.

Very important job.

OK, timekeeper. Every 30 seconds, they yell to the captain,

"30, 1:00, 1:30..."

I've got no voice.

Oh, you got no voice?

Sir, do you want to be the timekeeper? She has no voice. Sure.

Oh, well, at least I'm still captain.

We're going to burn them. We're a top team!

CHEERING

Do you know, I feel quite honoured to be leading this crew today.

What's your name?

I can't believe this.

I've gone from Captain Pugwash to, well, washed up.

Coming up...

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on to the blue line!

..the thrilling climax of my adrenaline-fuelled

sailing race.

SCREAMING

Now we're racing!

OK, I'm in the Caribbean island of Sint Maarten,

the final stop on the first leg of my latest tropical cruise.

Today, I'm in a sailing yacht, just about to take part in one of those

once-in-a-lifetime opportunities -

a race with some of my fellow passengers.

Now, does anyone feel afraid?

Yeah. Of losing.

Now, I've never sailed like this before, but I'll try my best

to explain how the race works.

Both yachts will get themselves into the starting position

between these two little floaty things.

Then they'll travel around these two floaty things five times.

On the final lap,

a little boat will position itself to form an invisible finish line

with this little floaty thing, and the winner will see a man

holding up a blue flag.

Oh, and if you hear the word "tacking",

it basically means we need to change the sail's position

to catch the wind and make us go faster.

Now, I've got no voice, I've lost my position as timekeeper,

and now I've handed over the role of captain to my shipmate Ashley.

I do make a fine mascot, though.

What colour flag are we going to see?

ALL: Blue!

Are you guys going to win? Yeah! There we go!

Don't like the look of those clouds above us -

cos when it rains in the Caribbean, you know about it.

Anyway, here we go.

Tacking!

Now we're racing!

Blimey! So much for the supposed luxury yacht life.

Feels like I'm on a spin cycle.

Ease, Sandy. Sandy, ease!

At least Ashley seems to be enjoying himself,

and it looks like the storm may be easing off.

No, relaxing for us, though, as we're still in second place.

They tack, we tack.

Nice job, guys!

Against all odds, it actually looks like we're catching them up.

If this holds out, we're looking pretty.

Get ready to ease for me, Sandy!

All right, guys. That's it. We are in the lead.

Well done, everybody!

CLAPPING

I knew making Ash the captain was a good idea.

The team can thank me later.

All right, we're coming up to our gate one last time.

And tacking!

Wrong direction!

This is getting really intense now.

I feel like one wrong move and we're all going overboard.

The boat's like this.

I'm stood up.

Come on. They're behind us.

We're almost there. One more turn and we're on the home straight.

And tacking! Release!

One boat length. Half a boat length.

Well done, guys!

Nice job. That's well done.

Nicely done.

Must have been the lucky mascot!

Oh, my God. What just happened?

That was... That was proper sailing.

You've got to be physical to do it, though.

That was exhilarating.

At least me hair's all right.

What would we have done without you?

It was a team effort. You were amazing.

Thank God you were on my team. HE LAUGHS

Well, what a fabulous way to end the first half

of my Caribbean cruise. I do need to catch my breath, though,

as there's ten days still to go.

Next time, I'll be saddling up in Grand Cayman...

Mine's off for a gallop.

..discovering the wonders of the deep in real-time...

Great to see so much life under the sea.

..and partying the night away in Cozumel.

Woo!

# The heat is on, on the street

# Inside your head, on every beat

# And the beat's so live deep inside

# The pressure's high, just to stay alive

# Cos the heat is on

MOUTHS: Who's that?

# Oh-woo-oh-ho, oh-woo-oh-ho

# Caught up in the action I've been looking out for you

# Oh-woo-oh-ho, oh-woo-oh-ho

# Tell me, can you feel it? Tell me, can you feel it?

# Tell me, can you feel it?

# The heat is on, the heat is on

# The heat is on

# It's on the street

# The heat is on

# Oh-woo-oh-ho, oh-woo-oh-ho

# Caught up in the action I've been looking out for you

# Oh-woo-oh-ho, oh-woo-oh-ho

# Tell me, can you feel it? Tell me, can you feel it?

# Tell me, can you feel it?

# The heat is on

# It's on the street

# The heat is on! #

I'm Jane MacDonald, and cruising is my life.

We're gonna have a fab time, aren't we?!

I started on the ships working as a singer,

but now I'm enjoying every moment as a passenger.

You have to stack it on top! Yay!

One in eight of all holidays taken by us Brits is aboard a cruise ship,

and there's something for everyone.

I'm dancing!

From once-in-a-lifetime adventures...

Fab-u-lous! Woohoo!

..to sights that completely take your breath away.

I didn't think a building could make your heart feel like this.

So if you want to see the best the world has to offer...

Oh, my God, look at this! Look at this!

..hop on board with me.

This time, week two of my fabulous Caribbean cruise.

I'll be saddling up in Grand Cayman...

SHE LAUGHS

Mine's off for a gallop!

..discovering the wonders of the deep in Roatan...

Great to see that there's so much life just under the sea.

..scaling new heights in ancient Belize...

From on top, you get the wonderful views of the jungle.

..and partying the night away in Cozumel.

There's so much Caribbean fun still to come.

We are sailing.

Come on, the Caribbean!

SHE SQUEALS

Do you know, if you'd told me how much we'd pack in

on week one of this cruise, I wouldn't have believed you.

From Everglades wildlife spotting...

Alligator, alligator, right in front of us!

Oh, my God, he's coming to say hello!

..to Bahaman swimming...

..and Caribbean yachting.

Tack, go, go, go, go!

Now we're racing!

It feels like I've done it all.

Now my ultramodern ship, the Sky Princess,

is back in Fort Lauderdale,

and while I've said goodbye to some cruise-mates,

there's a whole new bunch joining for week two.

We're a full day away from our next port,

so there's plenty of time to meet them.

Did someone say party?

Welcome to the official kick-off on the beautiful Sky Princess!

Outstanding!

Please make some noise for our captain, Michele Tuvo...

Welcome aboard my glorious Sky Princess!

This is already my second week, and it feels like it's just beginning.

It's a whole different... feel this week,

cos it's different people.

I think it's lovely, this bit.

..All the way from Italy!

Even lovelier now I get to meet the captain.

I feel very special!

Michele Tuvo is his name,

and he's married - unfortunately.

What a pleasure to meet you.

So what are you going to do this cruise?

All sorts of things.

Grand Cayman? I'm going horse riding on the beach.

Roatan? I'm going in a little submarine there.

In Belize, I'm going to see the ruins.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful, Cozumel? Cozumel.

I'm doing the carnival, of course. Wow...!

Yeah, so we've got a very packed cruise.

Gee, you're very busy. Yeah, but we're loving it on here, Captain.

Oh, I'm glad, I'm glad. So thank you for being so lovely to us.

With 19 decks and over 800 cabins,

the ship's a giant of the seas.

Once, finding your new cruise-mates on a vessel this size

would be nigh-on impossible.

But, as they say now, there's an app for that.

Right, I've met someone called Brenda,

and she's a... a nice little friend I've met,

and I'm going to try and find her now.

And it says on my app...

..that she's on promenade deck seven.

So get me there, locate me...

Let's see if this works.

Finding your friends is just one thing the app can do.

One click, and you can order room service,

book excursions, and see the day's itinerary.

Ah, there it is, deck seven.

Entertainment.

Modern tech may be great,

but there are some things only experience can teach you.

When you're on a big ship with 3,600 passengers on,

and you're at sea,

everybody is using the elevators.

So give yourself plenty of time

to get to where you need to be.

Right.

The promenade deck runs the full length of the ship.

It's as long as the Eiffel Tower is high.

Well, I could do with some exercise.

So it sort of tracks you

walking towards...them,

which is a good idea, really.

And don't worry, because if you make a friend

and then you fall out, you can block 'em.

So don't think you're going to be stalked!

But it's nice to know where people are, isn't it?

Cos you'd spend half your life just looking for folk.

And there's plenty of places to lose them -

a 970-seat theatre, a cinema, casino,

and a huge central piazza... Oh, look!

..where you'll find the duty-free shops,

some of the 16 onboard restaurants,

and loads of activities to entertain you while sailing.

The line dancing.

Might do a bit of that later with Brenda.

Talking of whom...

Where's show gone now?

Now, it says here that she's moved up to deck 16.

Cos I know she wanted to go see the ice carving.

It's either that or she's tracking me tracking her

and actually doesn't want to see me.

SHE LAUGHS It's probably that, innit?!

Moving down here...

It's a very busy ship!

Probably people like me looking everywhere for friends.

Hi! Hi.

Ooh, the spa!

Must keep a note where that is.

So I know there was an ice carving out here.

So she might be at that.

Give them a big round of applause

for creating a hole in an ice block. Whoo!

This is the main pool,

and it's always busy,

but there's two others if you want to avoid the crowds.

Right, I've found her. She should be on this staircase.

Let's have a look.

Ah-ha!

At last, I've found you! Oh, hello!

Hello, love. I thought you were trying to escape me.

No, no, I'm just watching this man carving the ice.

Oh, how's it going? I don't what it is yet.

But they're always good to see, aren't they?

Oh, they're excellent, very clever.

I'd have probably chopped my foot off by now. Oh, I know.

Today's a sea day,

and as the ship always puts on fab activities between ports,

they're the perfect places to meet up with friends.

Me and Brenda met last week in the ship's salon,

and as it turns out, she loves a pamper even more than me.

So I've been trying to track you all morning.

Have you? Oh, I've been in the retreat.

So you've been for your nails doing? Yeah, look.

Oh, look at them. Tutti Frutti. Very nice. Very nice.

I don't know about you, Brenda, but I'm parched.

After seeing all that ice carving, I could do with a drink.

Maybe one in a cocktail - some ice in a cocktail.

Oh, sounds like a plan. All right, shall we go?

Get some of his ice, come on, then. Come on, then, love.

And with sevens bars aboard,

we both have plenty choice for a tipple.

Time really does fly on this cruise.

Before you know, we're starting day ten

and arriving at our next port of call.

Right, we're off. OK, ma'am, watch your step, please.

OK! Have a nice day.

Thank you... Morning!

We've sailed over 500 miles from Florida,

and after a whole day at sea,

it's great to get off the ship and go exploring again

CROAKY: We're at the beautiful place of Grand Cayman.

And we're on a tender right now,

because our ship is too big to get in to dock.

I had a rotten cold last week,

but I'm on the mend now, thanks for asking.

So a day on the beach should blow the cobwebs away.

It's lovely here.

It's one of the nicest islands I remember being in the Caribbean.

It's just beautiful.

And I haven't seen it for a long time,

so, uh...it'll be nice to revisit again.

Morning. Morning. Have a nice day.

Grand Cayman's the largest of the islands,

and its capital, George Town, boasts duty-free shopping,

sandy beaches and beautiful wildlife.

Oh, and billionaires.

Cayman is well known...

..for money.

It's got helicopter pads here.

It's got yachts in the harbour, amazing hotels.

And it's ultra, ultra clean.

Everywhere you look,

it looks like it's just been 'oovered up this morning.

This beach... is called the Seven Mile Beach.

And I've no idea why, cos it's only five and a half miles long.

Must have been on a rum day, that.

But it's beautiful - golden sands

and just having the sea...

..lapping on my toes.

Oh...

Fancy a paddle? Come on, you know you do!

Now, as this is a playground for the rich,

you could just sip champagne and hit the designer shops.

But hey, holidays are also about new experiences,

and when I saw this activity in the guidebooks,

I just had to put my name down.

I'm going horse riding! I'm going horse riding, me.

I've never done it before.

I booked my trip through the ship.

I wanted to be sure the horses are well looked after.

I'm at an age now, nearly 40,

where I should be just trying other things,

so I'm going to do it before... it's too late.

I'm joining up with my fellow passengers

Jeff, Rebecca, Martin and Sandra.

There's safety in numbers.

Can I join you? Yes, for sure. Great. All right.

It's a very straightforward thing,

like this whole first section is extremely easy.

The only time you have to do something

is when we start going into the water. OK.

That's really about it, and we're good to go.

We're going in the water? Right...

OK. Don't shy from it, it's a very fun experience. Is it?

Trust me, it really is. I believe you.

Let's go, all right. So if you'd like to follow me down this way.

We're going in the water.

I didn't know about that bit.

Hang on.

We're going in... We're going in the water!

I really should read the small print when I book an excursion.

You've never done it? Never. Good! Two of us!

I just don't often see horses in the sea.

No, that's going to be something totally new.

That's seahorses, isn't it?

I think you'll be good to go! Ready, two feet up.

Look at that.

Blimey, I got on!

What's my horse called? Her name is Lady. Lady?

This tour lasts about two hours,

starting with a breathtaking ride along the coastline...

..the Caribbean sun on your skin,

a warm breeze in your hair,

..and a hot horse between your legs.

What's not to love?!

This is where we'll be going into the water with the horses.

And there's still the swimming to come.

It's what I love about cruising.

You do things like this

that you would never do anywhere else. That's for sure.

All ready, OK? Here we go!

I've been told that the horses absolutely love going in the sea,

so, uh... I'm hoping Lady enjoys this.

I don't know about this lady!

Mine's off for a gallop!

You were brilliant, Lady, you were brilliant!

Amazing.

OK, girl.

Thank you.

Oh! How elegant was that?!

I loved it, thank you so much.

That was amazing.

Oh, my God, it was just...unbelievable.

And Lady found...she just went off, she were like off on one,

she were like, "OK, I've got no weight any more."

I think she meant me.

And she was swimming, and she was going for it,

it was just incredible.

So I've fought my fears again.

I've gone swimming with horses bareback today,

something I would never have done if I hadn't been on this cruise.

Oh, what a day!

What an experience!

What a life!

Coming up, I get a true taste of the Caribbean...

We have a little spiced rum for you.

Knock it back? Take it nice and slow, taste it.

..before journeying deeper than I've ever been before.

Look at that!

Oh, my God, we've stepped into a Beatles song.

Welcome back to the second leg of my cruise around the Caribbean.

I used to sail this route back when I was working on the ships,

but that was... SHE COUGHS

..ooh, years ago now,

so it's been great to revisit old haunts and see new sights.

Our day on fabulous Grand Cayman's nearly over, but there's just enough

time for me to jump on one of the ship's organised excursions

to sample the island's tastiest export.

Well, I think so anyway.

Hi, I am Jane.

Theresa. Nice to meet you. There's a whole bunch of people.

Are you from the ship today? Yes. Awesome.

Welcome to Tortuga. This is our bakery.

We have the delicious rum cake in eight flavours.

We have the original with walnuts,

we have chocolate, the coconut, the banana, the pineapple.

And of course, not to forget, our lovely key lime. Wow.

So we have so many to taste.

Rum, cake - it's just perfect. Right? So we started as a rum

company back in 1984, and then in 1987 was when the cake come along.

So this is the original home of Tortuga.

I'm looking forward to tasting some.

Should we start with a little rum until these people get their cakes?

I could do with that. I got a little bit of the throat.

A little bit of spice rum here. Will this help?

That will definitely help.

So we have a little spice rum for you. Knock it back?

Take it nice and slow, taste it.

There's more to come, my dear. We're not going to run out.

Ooh, that's me told.

Which have you got there? Cinnamon?

I don't know what this one is, but I had the mango before.

This has raisins in it. This might annoy him. My husband hates raisins.

I don't think you've had any cake yet, my dear. Thank you.

I love a good sample. Don't you?

That one's lovely with a cup of tea. Ooh, lovely with a cup of tea.

By heck, they don't skimp on the booze.

I mean, I wouldn't call the sponge moist, but if it

were a field, it would be flooded.

You want some more rum or some more cake? No.

But thank you.

Sure? It's good for the throat though, isn't it, the rum? It is.

It is very good. Yeah. It's medicinal. Really?

Yeah, our white rum. I'll have another one then.

I think you should. Would you like spice or the banana or the mango?

No, the mango. Mango.

Now, you know I'm only doing this because I've got a sore throat.

It is good for you.

You know what?

I think everybody should start a morning off like this.

I felt a bit rubbish when I came out today,

but I feel fantastic now. Good.

It's such a famous name, though, isn't it? Yes, it is.

This is synonymous with the Cayman Islands and all over the Caribbean,

but it all started and originated right here. Wow.

The cake tasted so good, I had to get Theresa to show me

their secrets in the bakery next door,

where the island's own Mary Berry

puts these delicious concoctions together.

The secret is the rum glaze. Ah.

That's the secret. So the cake is baked and then we add the rum glaze.

So we use a five-year-old aged rum and it ends up being about 1%

alcoholic content in the cake.

It does have alcohol in it,

but you need to eat a lot to get drunk.

But you're own the way. I can fix that. We'll get you there.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what - I've been on a health kick and I've come in here

and I've come off it and I've had a good time in here and I feel

so much better.

Health kick, smealth kick.

That was definitely one of my tastiest, booziest excursions

ever, and that really is saying something.

It's the start of Day 11 and we're steaming towards our next

port, Roatan, a small island off the coast of Honduras.

Those medicinal drinks and cakes fair knocked me out once I got back

to the ship.

So, as we've got some time at sea today, I'm going to take it easy.

I ordered my breakfast last night to arrive this morning,

and I just put everything that I wanted down here.

They make everything from scratch on this ship - croissants, muffins,

you name it.

And they're all just a couple of taps away,

with my throat the way it is.

I did lose my voice earlier in the week and I...

DOOR KNOCKS

Ooh, that's my breakfast by the sound of it.

Hello. Hello.

Good morning. How are you?

Very well. Breakfast. Thank you.

I didn't order all this.

You're having a laugh, aren't you?

Just down here will be great. Thank you.

I mean, it's only me.

Flipping heck. How many...

I must've gone a bit mad with me app last night.

Oh, well, I'll save some of it for lunch.

On a two-week cruise like this,

I do enjoy a good stretch of actual sailing.

Gives me the chance to have some cabin time and do

a bit of housekeeping.

Been here a week now and this has been like a life-saver,

this thing - a USB that goes into your lamp stand. You've got

everything going on in here.

It's a spacious cabin with a seating area and private balcony.

Plus, there's enough wardrobe space even for me.

I have a really bad habit of bringing too much stuff.

I should be professional at this by now.

But I always think, "Just in case, I'll take this outfit as well."

I always bring nude shoes, flat shoes for comfy walking and a pair

of white ones, and these just make it look a bit tidier. And this thing

just folds up flat, goes right into your case. Just little things

that make travelling easier and that makes it easier for me.

With a few more hours to kill before our next port, and with no room

for any more pastries,

the onboard spa's calling.

Oh, hi, Jane.

Oh, you know me.

Yes, of course. I am Luchi. I will be your therapist.

Thank you very much.

Are you ready for me?

Oh, yes.

You have no idea... Ready to relax? OK.

You can come with me. Thank you.

The spa offers a whole range of treatments that you can book ahead

online, all while on board.

At £175, this is one of the more expensive.

So welcome to the Seaweed Room.

So what I'm going to do, I will do the seaweed for you. I'll put the

seaweed all over the body from the neck down to your feet.

I'm going to put you in the float belt.

You will actually drop and then you will float.

Oh, I'll be floating?

It is actually. For 15 to 20 minutes, you will be relaxed. Oh.

Uh-uh. So for now, what I want you to do is

where the sexy underpants for you.

Oh, these are nice. Right?

Yeah. Look at these... plastic bags.

Well, they do come free,

so that makes the bill look a bit cheaper.

OK. So you can sit up for me. OK.

OK. You OK?

Don't think it's hot enough for me. Do you?

Ooh! Ooh, that's nice and warm.

Uh-uh. I told you. Oh.

Mm-hm. Then you can lie down.

It's just nice having a pamper now and again. I don't think

we do this enough, and we always think it's a luxurious thing to do.

And actually, I think sometimes it's necessity.

So this is really good for me? Yes.

This is really good for you, for your joints, for your muscles,

because for your joints and muscle, it's sea fennel and sea buckthorn

bringing back the nutrients and minerals in your joints and muscle.

At the same time, it will cleanse the lymphatic system.

Oh... A new person!

And then I'm going to wrap you now, OK? OK.

A bit like a chicken. A chicken burrito, actually.

Yeah, a chicken burrito.

So let's start the float bed.

Oh. Are you ready? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah!

OK.

Oh! This is weird. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. Are you OK?

Oh, that's amazing. It is. I told you.

This is the most favourite...

Yeah. ..bed that we have.

Oh, this is amazing.

The hardness of the bed has just gone down and I'm actually

suspended now in water.

And it's just the most amazing feeling. You're going to love me,

I'm telling you. I love you already.

75 minutes this therapy lasts.

That's an hour and a quarter of de-stress heaven.

Wow. I'm totally chilled out.

What an amazing experience that was.

Floating seaweed massage.

I'm just going to chill out now. See ya.

I got back to my cabin, finished them pastries and fell asleep.

Bliss.

Now, never mind the pampering - what about the sailing?

Well, since you ask, the ship's now completed the 400 miles

from Grand Cayman to our next island stop.

Where are you going? Beach. Beach.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, look at this.

You been here before? No, first time.

INDISTINCT Really?

Morning. Morning.

Have a good day. And you. Ta-ra.

We're in Roatan in Honduras,

which is Central America,

and I've never been before

and it's...gorgeous!

I'm very excited about today.

Cos look at the day, to start with,

and I'm going on a submarine.

I was going to go scuba diving but my chest won't allow it today

so I'm going to go in a submarine

and it's a very, very exciting thing to do.

It's something I've never done before.

Come on, let's go.

Roatan is the largest of the Bay Islands,

40 miles off the coast of Honduras itself.

It lies on the southern edge of a huge barrier reef.

There's only one bigger in the world

and that's in Australia.

Quite excited to try something a bit different.

You know me.

Look how fabulous this place is.

It's a very, very small, little submarine.

So, yeah, I'm pretty nervous.

I can't say I'm not nervous.

I'm nervous.

Cos I don't know if I'm claustrophobic underwater or not.

I'll soon find out.

If anyone can spot the signs it's Captain Karl Stanley.

He set up the Roatan Institute of Deep Sea Exploration

back in 1998.

His mission - to take tourists like me

deeper than we've ever been before.

This is it. Look. Voyage of... Loo, it's there.

Oh, my God. We've stepped into a Beatles song.

Wow. Look at this.

Fancy living here.

I do!

Starting at $400, an expedition like this is pricey,

but it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience

you won't find anywhere else.

Hi, are you Karl? Ah, yes.

I'm Jane. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.

So you're going to take me down in a yellow submarine?

Yeah, we're going to go into the Cayman Trench right out there. Wow.

So this is something I've never done before.

Well, there's only two other comparable operations right now

in the entire world.

Oh, my God.

We're going to go out about 800 feet from where we are

and then drop down to 700 feet

cos the visibility doesn't really open up until 300 feet.

Really? Then it doubles. That's incredible.

I mean, I've been a diver... Yeah. ..for many years,

but this is way ahead of that, isn't it?

Well, we're getting into a zone of the ocean

that there's no other way to access.

I'm so pleased I've got a cold.

Otherwise you would have been diving today? I would have, yeah.

Ah! So this was meant to be. All works out. Yeah. meant to be.

Do I get in first? Yeah. You get in first. Oh, my God.

This is so exciting.

OK. Right, this should be fun.

Farewell.

This is going to be amazing.

Coming up, I go plumbing the depths.

This is unbelievable.

And, back on board,

I make a magical new friend.

Can you tell me what medallion that is? My God! That's mine.

That's definitely my medallion.

Yeah. It's got my name on it and everything.

Hello again. It's day 11 of my Caribbean adventure,

and I'm on the picture postcard island of Roatan.

There's so much to see on land,

but I'm getting an underwater view,

thanks to Captain Karl

and his one-of-a-kind yellow submarine.

All right, we're over the first wall. Great.

Are you closing the hatch now? Yeah. Amazing.

I can see also sorts. There's the reef right in front of me.

There's fish everywhere.

It's incredible.

Is this all coral down here, Karl?

Yeah. Sponges and sea fans, gorgonians,

plate corals, pillar coral.

The reef is actually looking real good.

This is unbelievable.

That's some coral, look at that.

That coral there, that looks like a basket,

is called basket coral.

And the coral that looks like a plate

is called plate coral.

I love that.

This is an incredible experience.

Great to see that there's so much life just under the sea.

And that the coral is healthy here.

It's a whole different world down here.

I feel very privileged

to be one of a handful of people

to be this far down in the sea.

And it's quite eerie.

But hugely exciting.

Wow.

You realise how deep you are

by the darkness,

because the sun

is still shining so brightly up there

but, of course, down here in the depths,

it's like night-time.

Very, very eerie.

So it's easier if you push off the side.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thank you, Karl. You're welcome.

Oh, my God.

That is something...I've never experienced in my life.

I've never been to 500 feet

and I've never seen daylight turn to night.

I've never seen fish like that.

This is quite a unique piece of equipment.

And this chap, Karl, is an inventor with a vision

and, wow, I've been able to share his vision today.

After journeying so far under the sea,

I'm now back on the surface.

As we leave the Honduran coast behind

and head for our next stop in Belize,

I've got a bit of time to catch up with some of my cruise mates.

But seeing as the ship's over 1,000 feet long and 19 decks high,

that takes a bit of planning.

Now, you're probably thinking, "What's she be packing a bag for?"

I'll tell you why I'm packing a bag. Because you will thank me

for packing a bag on a ship this size, because otherwise

you're going to be up and down them stairs, thinking,

"Oh, I forgot that. Oh, I've forgotten this."

It's a big ship.

So suntan lotion,

clip to clip my hair up in the wind,

throat sweets,

phone,

earphones, music, magazine.

That can go in there.

Sunglasses.

And, of course, that cos you'll want to buy a drink upstairs.

And that way, I'm packed up for the day

Must admit, I'm getting very attached to my little medallion now.

Not only does it act as your room card,

you can use it to pay for food and drink,

get personalised info around the ship

and even sign out when you get off.

That's if you want to leave, of course.

There's a packed schedule of activities on board

and many are available even when in port.

From karaoke to keeping fit,

from bingo to basketball,

you'll never be bored.

But if you're like me, sometimes all you want is a good natter.

I met Sheila and Nils a few days ago,

so we've arranged to catch up in one of the on cafes.

Oh, look. Look at this dog here. Oh, hello. Hello!

Oh, look at you.

Hi. Are you allowed dogs on the ship?

It's not easy. Let me tell you that.

You know what? I'm the magician on board

and this is my lovely blonde assistant.

Oh, very nice.

Hello! Yes! We've seen you.

Would you guys like to see a magic trick? Oh, yes, please.

Amazing.

Cool. Yeah! All right, Jane... Yes.

..I see you have a medallion on your neck.

Can I have that medallion? You can, my lovely.

Actually, could you puppy-sit for me? I certainly can.

I would love that.

All right. Come here, MJ. Come on. Right into her lap. Hello, love.

You get yourself comfy, MJ.

So we have Jane's medallion

and I want you to watch.

Watch her medallion. With just a wave of my hand,

it actually vanishes right out of your case.

Oh! They're really hard to get out.

In magic, there's a rule -

if you make something disappear, you have to make it reappear. OK.

OK? You've been holding MJ this whole time.

I have. I want you to look on his collar. OK.

There's a medallion on his collar.

Can you take a look at that?

Let me have a look at your medallion.

Can you tell me... My God! ..what medallion that is?

That's mine!

That's definitely my medallion.

Yeah! It's got my name on it and everything.

How did you do that?

Magic! I've had MJ on my knee all the time.

It was the dog. It was the dog did the magic. It's a magic dog.

I will give this back to you. You can hold on to that,

but I will take the lovely magic dog.

Nice. He also left you a little present. Yeah, he did.

He's left a little bit of wee. LAUGHTER

OK. Thank you. All right.

Come on. Bye!

Bye, Alex!

Bit of wee has just come out on me.

LAUGHTER

Always happens.

Nice little bit of wee on my lap.

It's fine.

We'll put that down to excitement, shall we?

Now, tea finished and pants changed, it's time for some activity.

Oh, this is where it's happening, is it?

Can I play? Shall we play four?

I'm meeting up with my friends I met on the horse riding excursion

back on Grand Cayman.

As they're from Canada,

I'll be carrying the torch for Britain.

Sorry, Britain.

So who's partners then?

OK, Jeff, you can be with Jane.

All right, Jane, that was easy. OK?

Have you played much?

I was in a school team when I was ten. Nice.

Oh, now you tell us that! I haven't played since I were ten.

It's like riding a bicycle. Is it really?

I can't do that either.

Should we have a practice? Yeah. Sure, that'd be a great idea.

Well, that was... LAUGHTER

Oh. That's all right.

Is that a good serve?

Was that a good serve? Very good serve.

The technique's coming out already. It's come back to you quick.

Never leaves you when you're ten.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know something? I'm better than I thought.

OK, Canada, let's see what you've got.

Going down. Going down!

Ooh!

Oh, that one's gone.

Oh!

New ball! We've lost the ball!

We got a ball. It's OK! Hey!

Match point. It's in your hands, Jane.

This is the one.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Did you get it?

Thanks, Jane.

Fantastic.

Do the winners buy the drinks or do the losers buy the drinks?

It's got to be winners. The winners? Yeah, winners.

I'm OK with that. Are you OK with the winners buying the drinks?

What do you all want? Cold beer. Cold beer. Ice-cold beer.

Come on, let's go. Go down real good.

Right, there's only so long your ping pong queen can celebrate

in the bar cos we've got more exploring to do.

Since leaving Honduras, we've sailed nearly 140 miles

to reach the Central American state Belize,

until 1981 an outpost of the British Empire.

The ship offers loads of excursions.

There's a zoo, kayaking, diving and airboat rides,

but I've gone to something a little more unique to the local area.

Do I go that way? Yes. Go right ahead inside.

Belize was once home to the Mayans,

the ancient native people of Central America,

and they left their mark here.

I've splashed out on a trip to a temple

which includes a riverboat safari.

These all-in-one packages are often cheaper

than doing the activities individually

At £115, this one includes a six-hour round trip with lunch.

Not bad.

Thank you very much.

Right, this is it. We're going deep in the jungle.

We're going to see some sights that we've never seen before.

Hurrah.

Right, if in there, if I don't get eaten, at least I'll float.

Best of the best! PASSENGERS: Always! Woo!

This boat safari takes us along the New River Lagoon

to the Lamanai Archaeological Reserve.

It's an exhilarating way to reach the ruins.

Probably shouldn't have bothered doing my hair this morning, though.

Ladies and gentlemen,

again, we're in one of the most remote parts of Belize.

There are jaguars.

We have a lot of monkeys in the area, black howler monkeys

being the loudest primates in the world.

And of course, there are going to be a lot of tiny holes on the ground.

What do you all think live inside those holes?

Tarantulas!

We're asking you all to watch where you're putting your feet

at all times. Capiche?

Wonderful.

Dear, oh, dear. What have we let ourselves in for here?

We've got tarantulas, jaguars, snakes.

Seemed a good idea when we booked it.

There's lots of different tour options available,

but I always find it's worth spending that little bit extra

to have a smaller group and an experienced tour guide.

I'm teaming up with Sheila and Nils from the ship again,

and our guide, Nury, is showing us everything

this ancient land has to offer.

And when I say everything...

Jane? Yeah? Looking for tarantulas.

Oh, why? Because we're here.

Why would you look for a tarantula!?

Because we're here. I want you to see a tarantula.

OK. Now, these holes. Yeah? That's where they live.

Right. The fact that there's cobweb over it means it's in there.

Now, they don't always come out, but we're going to try our best. Oh.

These tarantulas are known as the red rump Mexican tarantulas.

Be extremely quiet.

WHISPERING: I'll be screaming in a minute.

Oh, he's... That was his legs. Yeah.

Don't make noise. Don't make noise. Do not make noise.

Ah... I don't think we're going to...

I don't think he's going to come out. I'm quite pleased.

Quite pleased, Shelia, that he's not coming out.

Wondering which direction I was going to run. Up there.

We'll try another one.

No, I think you're fine.

Even the smallest flash of tarantula leg

is quite enough tarantula for me.

You can come and see more if you fancy it,

but flip flops aren't advised.

Coming up... Do it just like the Mayans did it.

I reach the top of the ancient world.

That's been great getting up. Yes. How do we get down?

And as the island gears up for Carnival...

Are you ready? I'm ready.

..I prepare for the night of my life.

Get wild! You're allowed to be. Get wild!

Welcome back to the Central American tourist hot spot Belize.

Nearly half a million visitors come each year

to soak up the sun and view its ancient treasures.

Some of the best of those are here

at the Lamanai Archaeological Reserve.

As we struggle to avoid the creepy crawlies,

me and my fellow passengers, Sheila and Nils,

are on the history hunt,

finding out about the ancient Mayan population.

We're here at Lamanai and Lamanai is one of the longest occupied

Mayan cities ever to be excavated in what we call the Maya world.

And one of the reasons why we believe the Mayas were able

to occupy this land so long is because of its location.

It sits right on the largest body of fresh water

we have in the entire country of Belize

so it provided an abundance of what's essential for life,

which is fresh water.

So there was quite intelligent life here, wasn't there?

Oh, yes, the population of this city

was an estimated 45 to 65,000 people.

So this was a extremely large Mayan city.

So this is a temple.

Yes. This is the Jaguar's Temple.

If you look at it, are two stylised Jaguar faces on the buildings.

In the centre, nostrils.

Beneath it is the mouth, and on the sides are the ear flares.

So the Mayans still live here?

Oh, yes, we still have traditional Mayans still living in Belize,

still practising some of their rituals, still vibrant cultures

here in the country of Belize.

Unlike many ruins around the world,

here at Lamanai you're allowed to get up close and personal

and even climb up to the top.

That's if you're fit enough.

So you ready to head up the temple? Rock and roll?

Yes. Let's rock and roll. Let's do this.

Off we go.

Oh, it is a lot easier to do it as if you're bowing. Yes.

Take your time.

Yeah. Look at Sheila, she's off.

We'll do it just like the Mayans did it. Yeah.

There you go. Ey-up. Teamwork makes the dream work. Yeah.

Look at her!

Sheila's off! And she's off!

I win the trophy. You have...Rocky!

Rocky's got nothing on me.

Look at us up here.

Can't believe we've done it.

All right, for us to get on the very top, we must make our way

around the temple on the sides.

You ready? I think so.

Well, Sheila's more ready than I am.

Let's go.

Let's do this.

Just don't look down, Sheila.

From on top, you get the wonderful views of the jungle. Right.

I hope it's worth it!

Yeah, we've done it.

There we go. Hey, come here, you!

So proud of you.

Hey, you put me to shame.

Although Sheila made it look simple, trust me, that climb was harder

than it looked, but it was worth in the end.

This location's unlike any place I've been to before.

It's amazing. It's wonderful, marvellous.

I can see why it's worth getting up here, isn't it?

Yes. And the temperature's so lovely up here.

This is one for the books. It ain't half, innit?

Come on, you. I don't want you falling over.

Look at that.

In Mayan times, only royalty were allowed to scale the temple.

I always suspected there was some blue blood in me somewhere.

We're queens, darling, we're queens.

Queen Sheila and Queen Jane.

That's been great getting up. Yes.

How do we get down?

We have two options, the water slide

or exactly the same way we came up.

I wish there was a water slide!

We didn't think about getting back down, did we?

Right then.

Right. After two weeks, my adventure around the Caribbean

is drawing to a close and, as we sail into our final port,

it's time for the one and only aspect of cruising I hate - packing.

This is definitely the worst bit.

In fact, I spent most of my life

packing and unpacking and washing and ironing.

I really have tried to pack light.

I really have tried.

I mean, really, I've tried to pack light.

And then when I get there, I always buy a load of stuff anyway.

So I don't know why I bother, really.

See I've even brought... Middle of t'Caribbean, I've brought jumpers.

We've now reached our last stop, Cozumel

and, instead of flying straight home,

I've extended my trip for a day

because, as luck would have it, we've arrived in time for Carnival.

I've arranged my own hotel for the night.

But of course, your cruise company can help you with extending

your trip and make some recommendations.

Right.

Here we go.

Mexico is calling.

Cozumel is an island just off the Mexican coast

and a popular stop-off for cruise liners in the region.

Back when I was working the ships,

we were here every two weeks.

20 years may have passed, but everything feels so familiar.

So I'm quite excited.

I've come back and I'm more of an adventurer now.

There are eight ships docked here today.

That's around 32,000 fellow passengers all out exploring.

Everybody's just getting ready for carnival now.

And there's already a buzz, which is lovely.

I've no idea what the Carnival's about.

I have a feeling there will be copious amounts

of tequila supped tonight.

Not by me, obviously.

For the locals, this is one of the busiest and most important

times of the year.

I could consult the guidebooks and Internet,

but I'd rather find out about it from them instead.

You ready for Carnival tonight?

Yeah. Yeah?

What's it all about, Carnival?

Well, it's a very old tradition from the island.

Religious. The Bible say the carnival

is the meat party. A meat party?

Yeah. For example, from here to Tuesday, big party.

You do everything you want and, supposed, God, he say it's OK.

OK. Ash Wednesday, they go, say what bad you do and they give you the ash

and you're OK and then you have 40 days, no eat meat, no drink nothing.

So this is your last chance.

Till Thursday. Yeah.

With permission from the Lord!

Yes!

To have a great time. Great time. Like everybody.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Thank you so much. You're very welcome. Thank you very much.

Thank you. God bless you. And you too. Gracias. Bye-bye.

Get wild! You're allowed to be! Get wild!

So in other words, it's Cozumel's version of Pancake Tuesday

only with meat, sequins, dancing and a bucket of tequila.

Boy, am I glad I've booked an extra day.

Coming up, I'll meet some carnival royalty...

The hand gestures. Oh!

I love that! You're the Queen of Happiness.

..and wallow in the sights and sounds

as the party gets under way.

Oh, I love that beat. Woo!

I'm on the final leg of

an unforgettable cruise round the Caribbean

and, although I was actually due to fly home today,

I've put it off for another 24 hours.

That's cos we're on the Mexican island of Cozumel,

just as everyone's getting ready for Carnival.

Think big celebrations, big statues

and big hair.

This is just so exciting.

Look at... Gosh, look.

Look how beautiful they all are. They've all got crowns.

I think there's more than one queen at this carnival

cos there's a lot of crowns.

Hello. Hola. You are so beautiful.

Thank you. Are you the queen of the carnival?

Yes. I'm Queen of Alegria. Alegria! Yes. The Queen of the Happiness.

Oh!

I love that! You're the Queen of Happiness! Yes.

Oh, you look like you are. You're so fabulous.

So you're just about to go now.

Yes. At six o'clock. Six o'clock.

Which float are you on?

Yeah? Yeah, can I? Yes. Wow.

CHEERING

Look at this! Oh, she's a very popular queen.

This is wonderful.

This is mine. This is you.

Oh, my gosh, look at this!

Wow! CHEERING

CROWD CHANT

Fantastic. So will you be up there?

Yes. In this part.

Oh, amazing.

Yes. Is it just one queen?

No, we are three. Three queens? Three kinds and three queens.

Oh! Yes, the Queen and King of Carnival,

the Queen and King of Happiness,

the Queen and King of Fantasy. Oh!

Yes, we have three.

I love that. Fantasy, happiness and carnival. Yes.

Hey! My partner.

Oh, yeah. Hello.

The King of Happiness. Oh, it's the King of Happiness.

Oh, we love that.

Thank you so much. So you're going to be together up there. Yes.

How wonderful.

Fantastic.

Right, I'll go and I'll wave to you. Yes.

So I hope you wave back. OK. OK.

Have a wonderful carnival.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Enjoy! Bye. Bye.

It's all kicking off now,

so I'm going to get to my spot so I can watch the proper parade,

but how exciting to come and watch all this

to start all the excitement.

Come on, let's go.

The carnival dates back to the 19th century.

The vibrant outfits are known as estudiantinas.

Wearing them and dancing in the streets was once

the only way the island's young people

could express themselves.

They haven't lost the knack!

Here's the banner now. This is the carnival start.

We're in Cozumel and it's Carnival. Doesn't get any better than this!

Woo!

Oh, I love that beat!

Just makes you want to dance.

Here's the queen!

Who I met earlier. The queen!

Woo!

Hello!

Thank you! Thank you!

The queen! The queen gave me these!

They look so fabulous!

What a night, what a trip

and what a place to end this incredible cruise.

What can I say about Central America?

It's everything and more I could have ever dreamed of.

I've been in a submarine,

I've eaten lots of rum cake,

I lost my voice.

I'm just done amazing things.

And just finishing off at Carnival

has been the icing on the cake.

Central America fills you with passion,

it fills you with dance and rhythm and you feel it.

It's not just a place that you visit.

It's a place you feel when you get here.

Just incredible things happen

and you've got to open up and let them happen.

This is an amazing place full of very passionate people,

and they make you feel that passion when you come here.

Oh, and did I mention

they make you feel like bursting into song as well?

# Ole, ole, ole, ole

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Me mind on fire

# Me soul on fire

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# All the people all around me

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# What to do on a night like this?

# Music sweet

# I can't resist

# We need a party song

# A fundamental jam

# So we rum-bum-bum-bum

# Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum

# Ole, ole, ole, ole

# People in the party Hot, hot, hot

# All the party people say they're feeling hot

# You're hot, I'm hot He's hot, she's hot

# You're hot, I'm hot He's hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Feeling hot, hot, hot

# Ole, ole, ole, ole

# Feeling hot, hot, hot. #

I'm Jane McDonald and I'm one of the millions who love to cruise.

We're gonna have a fab time, aren't we?

No matter what type of traveller you are, there is a cruise to suit.

It's just magnificent.

I fell in love with cruising over 25 years ago,

starting below deck as a singer,

and now I'm back as a passenger.

Oh, it's like a yacht. I feel like the Queen on the Britannia.

I'm going to share everything I know.

This ship is as wide as the Statue of Liberty.

Please remember that everything that you use this for,

you're going to pay for at the end of it.

I'll make sure your next cruising holiday is shipshape.

That's telling me where I am. I'm very impressed with that.

So hop on board and enjoy the ride.

This time I'm leaving my flight socks at home as I'm cruising

Britain's most famous river, the Thames.

Hiya! Nice to see you.

Aren't people friendly on the river?

It's a special trip as I'm bringing along two of my oldest girlfriends,

Sue and Olwen, and our mate, Neil.

The girls are both celebrating their 70th birthdays

so I suggested we clump together and rent our own boat.

We love to nosey around old historic buildings...

Oh, my God, look at this!

..so we've picked a cruise that celebrates

England's great heritage...

Suits me, doesn't it?

..and grand estates.

It looks like it's not real. It just like that stuff you can buy.

It's going to be a blissful few days messing about on the river.

I know where I'm going.

JANE LAUGHS

That's really low!

I've cruise the greatest waterways of the world, sailed along the Rhone

in France and voyaged down the Danube in Austria,

but I've never ventured along one of the UK's most famous rivers -

the mighty Thames.

It's easy to just think of the tidal section - which is the famous bit

near London Bridge in Westminster -

but the river is actually 215 miles long.

The non-tidal section begins as a trickle in the Cotswolds,

heads east through the city of Oxford and then cuts through some

of England's most beautiful countryside as it heads

towards the centre of London and then out to the North Sea.

We're heading towards our home for the next week,

a luxury floating five-star hotel.

We picked autumn to come because it's birthday season

and it's the perfect time to watch the leaves changing colours

and wrap up all cosy for the chilly weather.

Oh, we're here. Is this it?

Yeah. Where's my bedroom?

EXCITED LOW CHATTER

Oh, my word.

Oh, look, everybody - there! Hello!

Aw, our crew look lovely -

Captain Dominic and his wife Katie on the river cruiser,

ably assisted by a team of four.

Hello. Dominic. My wife Katie. Hello, Katie. Lovely to meet you.

Lovely to meet you.

Are we supposed to take some oz that? Yeah? It would be rude not...

Thank you so much. You're welcome. Cheers. To us. Yeah.

Cheers, everyone. Sorry you can't join us.

Mind the gap. We've not lost anyone yet.

We don't want to lose you before you've ever been on board.

This trip is very popular with our American friends who, like us,

want a gentle cruise through the English countryside

with a bit of history thrown in.

Welcome aboard. Oh, thank you so much.

Look at this. That's fantastic.

It's like a posh yacht, innit?

It is a bit like that. Yeah. A bit like a river yacht.

And it's not even my birthday.

Happy birthday. The longest birthday in history, this.

Been going on since a week last Tuesday!

Before we set sail... Yeah.

..we are going to take you on a little trip around Hampton Court.

Oh, fabulous. But before that I was actually going to show you

your cabin just so you know where you're going to be living for the next few days. Yeah.

We've hired the whole river cruiser for our little group.

But you can book your own cabin and share the ride with new friends.

Oh, gosh. Is this mine? This is yours.

This is the Winston Churchill cabin.

Well, I didn't expect this.

I thought it would be a bunk or a hammock. Not a bad size, is it?

This way to your en-suite.

You've got a cupboard here with all your bits and bobs in. Oh, wow,

look at this. Another light. I'm going to leave you to settle it.

Thank you very much indeed.

My cabin has all the usual hotel fittings like phone chargers

and storage. But the fire exit is a bit different,

cos it's quite a way up,

you've got this little step there. Oh, it's ladders.

Oh, that's good, innit? That's it... Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

That's it, got me escape route.

It's hard to believe that 83 years ago this was actually

a working cargo barge in Belgium.

And even though Dominic cut ten foot off the length

to fit into the locks, she's still the largest river cruiser

this side of the Thames.

He also adapted the wheelhouse to fit under the bridges,

and my cabin would originally have been full of gravel and sand.

Now it's a floating hotel with four en-suite cabins on the lower deck,

two doubles at the front,

and a twin and double at the rear.

All cabins are accessed via the main saloon on the top deck, which leads

to the outside eating area at the front and the kitchen

and the wheelhouse at the back.

Jane? Yeah. Come and have a look at this. I know, that's...

SHE GASPS I know. Believable, innit?

And you're not having it. I've got me own. You've got your own.

Henry V, eh? VIII. Who?

THEY LAUGH

Henry VIII. I've had a glass of champagne.

And look at this, Jane. What?

Always very excited about this.

It's a wardrobe. Oh, you've got a secret wardrobe. Yeah.

I was not expecting this. I'm absolutely blown away.

I don't know what I thought I were gonna get.

I think I thought I were camping or something.

Does it say something on the back of your teddy?

Now, we haven't had a look at that. I need me... Oh. What's it say?

"I would challenge you to a battle of wits

"but I see you are unarmed."

Cheek. That's an insult, actually, ain't it?

Yeah, you're unarmed cos you got no wit.

Ah! Thanks very much. Oh, well. It's probably right, though.

It's got a point. Well, he obviously was, yeah.

Oh, wow. Look at this.

I know you want to move in here, don't you? Well, you can forget it.

You should see mine. We might come and see yours later.

Yeah, you will do.

Oh, how the other half live.

And Neil's double room next door is all furnished to the same standard,

with his own en-suite bathroom.

We're not due to sail for another couple of hours,

so we have time to do some exploring.

I don't know much about 'Ampton Court

but thankfully there are people who do.

Sarah Jane is one of the regular boat guides,

but she's handing over to history buff Leslie.

Leslie's going to meet you up in the grounds. Thank you very much.

'Enry VIII, here we come.

Coming up...

Oh, my God, look at this!

..we get the royal treatment on our palace tour.

Suits me, don't it?

..and it's anchors aweigh as we set sail on the first leg of our trip.

That is gorgeous.

This time, we're about to embark on a cruise up the Thames

to celebrate two of my best friends' 70th birthdays.

Before we set sail in a couple of hours, we're on a private tour

of Hampton Court Palace,

once home to the Tudor King Henry VIII.

Like us, he would have moored his boat right next to the palace

as a convenient way of travelling to London.

The palace is open to the public for most of the year,

with parts of the garden completely free of charge.

You will need to purchase a ticket to look around the palace,

either with an escorted tour or under your own steam.

Hello. Hi. How are you?

Really well. You must be Leslie. I'm Leslie and welcome to Hampton Court.

Thank you. Britain's favourite palace. Is it really?

Have you been here before? No. Great.

You have a huge treat in store. Let's go.

Oh, it's right my type of palace, this.

Oh, my God, look at this! It's amazing!

This was all built by Cardinal Wolsey.

The palace was Cardinal Wolsey's favourite home

until Henry VIII took a shine to it.

And then he was left with no choice but to move out.

241 Tudor chimneys.

411 altogether.

That's a lot of chimneys. Yes. Oh, it's fab!

Hampton Court is really a tale of two palaces.

You have Henry's Tudor palace on one side, which we're visiting today,

and the other side, the Georgian half

that was completed in the 17th century.

We're going to go up into the Great Hall first,

and it's absolutely magnificent.

Oh, my God, look at this.

Oh, wow!

Just take a moment to stand here

and feel the history of what's gone on.

It's... I don't know if you can feel, it's like electricity.

The Great Hall was the main social area of the palace

throughout the centuries, and as well as the dining area,

it was also used for special occasions.

James I watched Shakespeare's company perform here,

up on the stage over here, and he would have sat exactly here.

Oh, wow.

Henry VIII was a bit of an old romantic

who loved to mark his weddings with wood carvings.

But unfortunately for Anne Boleyn,

her initials weren't the only thing that got the chop.

This is the original screen and it was made for Anne Boleyn.

This was all built for Anne Boleyn, the Great Hall.

But when Henry had her executed,

he asked Jane Seymour to come here and she said,

"No, I'm not going to come here till you get rid of everything to do with Anne Boleyn."

So in those gaps, there used to be H's entwined with A's.

Oh, my goodness.

But they didn't remove them in the corners because Henry

would never have seen them in the dark corners.

And so you can still see the H and A

at the top of the third panel. Do you see? Oh, yeah.

I can't believe, you know, we're in the hall of one

of the most tyrannical kings

who just...deleted the wife.

Just deleted... In more ways than one. Yes.

Just like, "Right, that bit's gone. New ones in."

I mean, it's not just painting the front room, is it,

and getting of photos. This is like the whole thing.

Are these the thrones that Henry...? Yeah. Would you like to sit in one?

JANE GAPS

Can I actually...? I'm going to sit in a throne!

These are reproduction chairs,

but it's still an honour to sit where Henry VIII

parked his derriere 500 years ago.

Your Majesty. Thank you so much!

He would have eaten alone, off gold, never of pewter.

Really? Yes. I mean, these are big bowls, aren't they? I mean...

They ate twice a day with two sittings.

So there were a lot of people to feed. That's a lot of soup.

I mean, they ate a lot, though, didn't they? Oh, massive.

They ate 5,000 calories a day each

and a massive three quarters of that was meat. Yeah. Wow.

Thank you.

Probably would have drunk. Thank you so much.

Cheers. Carry on.

Suits me, don't it?

And with such a rich history here,

it's no wonder that there have been tales of some spooky goings on.

So we're coming in now into the haunted gallery.

JANE WAILS LIKE A GHOST

This is the haunted gallery because Catherine Howard

was Henry VIII's fifth wife, and she had been unfaithful and was arrested

and eventually executed at the Tower, but she was imprisoned here,

managed to escape one night,

came screaming to the Holy Day Closet door

where Henry was praying. She screamed, "Forgive me!" at the door

and he refused to answer the door

and the guards dragged her screaming back to the Queen's apartments.

And over the centuries, people have heard her screams

and taken days of work they've been so upset.

Yeah. Frightened to death.

It gives you a shiver.

Right.

Hampton Court is famous for its 241 Tudor chimneys, but there is only

one working, and that's here in the kitchens.

And this is Cardinal Wolsey's kitchen

that he built in 1550. Yeah.

Oh, look!

There's a chimney sweep! Good afternoon. Good afternoon!

Pleased to meet you, ladies. And you, too.

So it's still this old-fashion way, shove it up the chimney?

We've got to shove it right the way to the top, love, yes.

Nice to meet you. And you, too. Very nice to meet you. Bye. Bye.

Well, that was fun.

Would you like to come and see the tennis court now? Oh, yeah.

Henry VIII's... One of his favourite games. Right, then.

Right. It's this way. Anyone for tennis?

In his younger days, Henry VIII played real tennis,

which has different rules to what we know as lawn tennis.

Oh! Tennis courts.

Yeah! Rackets.

Are we having a game?

You can have a hit. I'll have a hit.

Excellent. Right.

Well, I'll just go and change into me...

That's not exactly gear for tennis. No, it isn't. OK. Just one moment.

I'll just nip back to the boat to change.

DRUM ROLL

You look terrific!

Wonderful, Your Majesty. Oh, well, you know.

Well, one has to dress the part.

It's all that meat.

Can I use me right 'and?

Yes, but you need to put it up the other way. That's upside down.

Like that?

That's a good start!

OK, right. The most important thing... Is to hit it.

..it's not going to bounce. So it doesn't bounce?

Oh. I told you it didn't bounce.

Oh, I'm with you. It doesn't bounce.

Hey! That's terrific!

I can't believe I'm dropping balls here on Henry VIII's

actual tennis court. If Henry was serving,

he would have stood where Leslie is, trying to hit the ball

between these lines on the ground known as chasers.

Up, up.

Good. Oh, nearly. Good.

Oh!

Oh! Whey!

Oh! Oh!

I think Jane McDonald I would have kept him on his royal toes.

It's been absolutely amazing.

Thank you so much, Leslie.

It's been a great pleasure having you and have a wonderful journey.

Thank you.

We only had a couple of hours,

but you could easily spend a day or even two here.

There's so much to see.

We'll definitely come back.

Really enjoyed that.

And we're not that far away as it only took us

just over three and a half hours to get here from Wakefield.

The first leg of our trip takes us upstream from Hampton Court

towards our overnight stop at Shepperton Lock.

From there, we cruise on to the royal setting of Windsor Castle,

and the next day set sail towards the beautiful grounds

of Cliveden House.

We then set sail towards Hurley, ending our cruise

just before the famous rowing town of Henley-on-Thames.

And joining us along the way, we have our own personal crew.

Captain Dominic and his son Oliver will be steering the boat

safely along the River. The hostesses will be looking after us

throughout the day with a bit of chambermaiding thrown in.

Dominic's wife Katie is helping out until their baby comes

and chef Tom will be preparing us three meals a day,

starting with today's launch.

Oh, this isn't all nice, isn't it?

Can I sit here?

Yeah, I'll sit on this one.

Thank you. Oh, smell that bread. Did you get it, then? I did.

Can we have some? Yeah, get in.

Party hat on. Thank you.

So with each meal you get a different white and a different red

and we marry them to your food. For this lunchtime,

your white wine comes from Italy.

This one is from Chile. So it's a very popular lunchtime wine.

Perfect for cruising down the Thames in the afternoon. Fantastic.

Fill her up. Perfect.

This is certainly al fresco dining in style.

Everybody, enjoy your first lunch onboard. Oh, thank you.

I'll go and set sail. Fantastic. See you soon. Thank you very much.

Oh... That's lovely. That's lovely, ain't it?

And as we get stuck into lunch,

it's time to set off on our Thames adventure.

Posh fish and chips, certainly, innit?

Certainly is. Oh, look.

Look at this, what a life. I know. What a life.

I want to keep reminding myself to have a look around

while I'm eating. There's all sorts of little...

Thank you very much. Me mouth's watering.

Oh, lovely. We have a baked Alaska and I've just garnished that

with some blackberries, crushed up Parma Violets

and a little lemon verbena going round the outside. Look at that.

I wasn't expected that.

I can't believe it's autumn in the UK and we're sat outside

eating lunch as the beautiful English countryside

floats gently past.

That Parma Violet...

I know, it just hits you. I know. It's really....

It's really lovely, ain't it? Yeah.

That's a blast from the past, innit? It is.

Those little purple sweets. Yeah.

Did they have messages on, or is that Love Hearts?

That was Love Hearts. Love Hearts, ain't it?

Today we're sailing from Hampton Court to Shepperton Lock

where we're stopping for the night.

There are 16 locks to go through on our journey

up this section of the Thames and we are about to enter our first one.

You know what we're having right now, don't you? What?

We're having a lock-in.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

Drink to that. Cheers to that.

We're having a lock-in!

JANE LAUGHS

And it's not just the locks that manage the water levels

along the River.

Shepperton Weir. Weir? There. There?

"Weir" is it? Weir. "Weir" is Shepperton?

There. Oh, is that a swan?

Or is it... Or is it a big duck?

THEY LAUGH

It's great to get this close to wildlife in its natural habitat,

but the best bit is being able to nosy at all the fabulous properties

that line this section of the Thames.

Oh, hello. Look at those.

Oh, look. Houseboat, you see.

Yeah. Do you know, I think I could live on a houseboat.

Oh, I could. You think you could? Yeah, definitely.

I mean, look at that one. Yeah. That's fantastic.

Now, that's like something from when they are steam boats.

How doing?

Hi!

I like the fact that it is quiet. Mm. Mm.

And you haven't got traffic noise, have you? Yeah.

And so after a relaxing lunch,

it's time to get down to the important business of unpacking.

And because we're in the UK,

you have to be prepared for all weathers.

I pack within an inch of me life.

Starting with me toiletries.

I always have me thing, just lying down,

and I always have it packed

with everything that I need for travelling. And then...

I have all my trousers rolled up in there.

Ten pairs of trousers.

And that will now go straight into...a drawer.

Viola.

I've already unpacked one case,

but I've got jackets, coats for every season.

I'll put an outfit on a hanger so that I know what scarf

goes with what jacket, and then I know exactly where the trousers are.

White boots, these I bought

because you just never know when you want a little sexy outfit.

We might do that because it's the girl's birthday week.

So I always bring something a little bit...just in case.

Coming up... we settle in for the night

with some home-made entertainment. Oh, Jane!

And it's not long before we have another royal palace in our sights.

Oh... Yes, she is, the flag's flying.

How excit... The Queen's there.

I'm on me jollies with me mates Sue, Olwen and Neil,

sailing up the Thames on a river cruiser.

We all wanted to do something special

to mark the girls' 70th birthdays

so I racked me brains and came up with...a cruise!

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

My idea is working well

and we're enjoying spending quality time together

as the English countryside gently glides past.

Today, we've sailed for just over six miles

from Hampton Court to Shepperton Lock

where we'll be mooring up for the night.

This kind of cruising is a brand-new experience for me,

but I'm really enjoying being closer to home.

Innit great, this?

I've not had to get up at crack of dawn, get to an airport.

Cos that's the trouble, you know, when you go abroad,

there's all that kerfuffle you've got to go through -

getting to the airport, getting on the plane, getting off the plane.

Getting a taxi. You just pull up here and get on your barge.

Shepperton Lock, like all the 45 locks on the Thames,

has an assigned lock keeper, and here is Steve Newman.

Really nice to meet you. And to you.

And Steve's happy to let me have a go at opening the lock.

So what happens now is Magna Carta wants to come into the lock. Right.

You hold your finger on "Gates Open". Right.

And then these gates will open and then the boat will come in.

Perfect. Do you want to have a go? Yeah. Hold your finger on that

"Gates Open" button. Oh, it's like doing lottery. I know.

SHE LAUGHS That's it. Well done.

Look at this.

That's lovely. Well done. Thank you.

Look at that - natural.

Well, Steve makes it look easy,

but then he has been working at this lock for over 46 years.

If you look over there, Jane, you can see the flood marks on the wall.

And the most recent one, what, 2014?

Yeah, February. Wow.

Essentially, my job is to control the water level.

And I've got two big weirs that I look after.

I can get called out any time of the day, any time of the night.

Do you your job, though? Yeah, yeah. It's a nice lifestyle.

This is a very busy site, this one.

We probably have about 21, 22,000 boats a year

coming through here. How many again? About 21, 22,000 in a year.

That's a lot of boats. It's a lot of boats, yeah.

River locks change the water level,

allowing the boats to either step up or step down the river.

This time we're starting down and coming up.

We've got one more button to shut, which is this one. Yeah.

So hold your finger on "Sluices Close". That's it.

We're putting the plug hole in now.

Oh, you're putting the plug in, right. Really and truly, Jane,

all this lock is, is a big bath.

Just like turning the tap on.

I think plug's in now. You're done. That's it. Well done.

All finished. Hey, look at that. You're done. Fantastic.

Thank you, kind sir. Done my job. Thank you.

We're stopping here for the night, and apart from the telly,

we have to provide our own entertainment.

So with no luggage allowance to worry about,

I brought me super-sized Jenga to keep us amused.

Shall we do it, then? Who's going first. Ladies first. Ladies first.

There you go. Oh, I like it.

There you go.

Forget it.

LAUGHTER

Neil might be outnumbered,

but he's still in it to win it.

Why are you being so awful?

ALL: Oh!

LAUGHTER

Oh, it's like Leaning Tower of Pizza. "Pizza"?!

THE LAUGH

Leaning Tower of Pizza. Is it a margarita?

Oh, how did you do that?! I don't know.

You can only either push it or pull it. But not at the same time.

LAUGHTER

It was when I pushed...

Blimey, what a great game.

That's just too much excitement for one day. Night, all.

Morning has broken on day two of our river cruise,

and what a brilliant first day we had at the palace.

You see, Hampton Court was really interesting to me

because I learned a bit more about Henry VIII

and how much he loved his food and how much food he ate.

I mean, the guy ate 12 courses in one day.

And I must admit I'm nearly there myself on this boat.

Talking of food, it's time for breakfast

and me shipmates are already tucking in.

But, thankfully, with no set eating times,

we can take as long as we like.

Blimey, look at this spread. What are you having?

LAUGHTER

You can start at that end, Jane.

Yeah, I think I will... No, cos that's the sweet end. Oh, right.

What's them there? What's that? Pancakes. Pancakes. Pancakes.

Lovely, thank you.

Are you having a pancake now or are you starting with...?

I'm not going to start, I'm going to pace myself.

You're going to work your way up. I'll have a pancake.

Do you know what you've just said there? I do exactly the same.

I look up and down, I think, right, what can I have

that's going to be different? Yeah. So then I thought,

I'll have a boiled egg. Yeah. That's what I have at home. Is it? Yeah.

See, I'm always thinking about food. Is that just me?

No. No. Absolutely not.

It's good job we've got some food - I'm starving.

Good job that some of me ten pairs of trousers have elasticated waists.

Today we are sailing five hours from Shepperton Lock

upstream towards Windsor Castle.

After a quick wash and brush up,

I'm out on deck to watch the world sail by.

Ey, up, what's he doing?

Hi. Hello. How are you doing? Is that hard to do?

Er, no, but it might be when I get to your waves. Ah!

OK. Hope it's not too bad for you.

Look at him, going for it.

He's very confident - he's got his jeans on,

so he's obviously done this... Ohhh.

We've all settled in very easily to life on board.

Come on, let me show you round.

Oh, it's nice and cosy in here, isn't it?

This is actually one of me favourite places

on the whole river yacht.

It's called the bar. And it's an open bar.

You can start drinking whenever you want

and finish whenever you want.

Everything is there.

What could go wrong with that?

You know, you can just grab yourself a sofa, get your magazine out,

have of a piece of fruit, if you want some.

And it's just... It's just got a real homely feel in here.

And this table is exceptional.

This is the dining table.

And if you notice, this was especially made

for this beautiful vessel and that...is the Thames.

And we spend a lot of time at this table as there is a steady stream

of food coming out of the kitchen.

Can I come in? Of course you can. Oh, it smells good in 'ere.

And Tom keeps everything shipshape in this tiny space.

You see, this is a good idea, as well, isn't it?

Hanging everything up. Yeah. Everything's close by

and I can just grab it if I need to.

So show me how it all works, then.

We've got all my fish that's been chopped up for lunch. Wow.

It's there. All my prep fish is all ready for you.

I've got some... Oh, look, it looks like fish sausages.

Some plaice there. This is how I pack to go away, actually.

Oh, is it? Vac-pack, get the hoover out?

I don't actually vac-pack it but I put everything

in little compartments so I know exactly where it is,

so I must get one of them machines and vac-pack me pants.

You vac-pack your pants, you could have even more room.

Another pair of shoes!

Up in the wheelhouse,

skipper Oliver takes turns with his dad to keep us

on the straight and narrow.

Morning. Good morning. How are you?

Look at you and your big wheel.

Can I come aboard? Yes, of course. Mind your head. Mind me head.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, look at... Oh, my God, you're letting me steer it!

Oliver's been involved with the barge since he was a baby

and is the only person that his dad actually trusts to take control.

Right, now, hold it there, because now she's going to speed up

in this corner. Hiya! Nice to see you.

Sorry, you see, I'm waving to folk.

Aren't people friendly on the river? They are.

This is amazing.

And you see all this from 'ere. That's great.

You've got a great view, actually. Oh, marvellous.

Did you always want to be a captain?

Well, I've grown up on boats. Yeah.

And, of course, seeing Dad do it from a very young age, the moment

I was tall enough to see above this, he let me have a go. Oh, wow.

So, right a bit now. Right a bit.

Yeah, let people know Jane McDonald is driving the boat.

HORN BLASTS

SHE LAUGHS

Hey! I wish me bladder were a bit stronger.

Floating along the river for pure pleasure became the norm at the end

of the 19th century in what's known as the Golden Age of the Thames.

It really kicked off in the late '60s when the motorboat arrived

and you never knew WHO you might bump into on the river.

Our boat tour guide, Sarah Jane,

lives around here somewhere. Ah, there she is!

Ship ahoy!

So this is yours? Yeah. Gorgeous!

Enjoy Windsor. We will. Bye!

We'll catch up with her soon.

Bye!

This route takes us very close to Heathrow Airport,

but it's still surprisingly peaceful and a good place for nature watching

along the river banks.

I'm glad you're here. I'm just saying, look at all them nests

in that tree. You can see them now the leaves are trying to... Yeah.

Is that two different trees growing in one tree?

Holiday homes for birds.

Overlooking the river.

Not quite, Sue.

Turns out, after a quick look at me phone, that it's actually mistletoe,

and just behind those bushes, I can see Windsor Castle.

Oh. Yes, the flag's flying. Yes, she is, the flag's flying.

How excit... The Queen's there.

Excuse me, ladies. Yeah. Just to let you know, lunch is ready,

if you're ready for it. Oh, lovely.

Oh, it's not often that one is wining and dining this close

to the Queen.

Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Up the river.

Here's to the Queen. Aye. Oh, cheers. Thank you.

Do a lot of clanging, don't we?

Will we try the red? Shall we try the red? Be rude not to.

There's no point getting it if you're not going to try it.

That smells nice. Yeah, it do. What's this got hints off?

Red wine, I think.

That's all I can smell, if I'm honest.

Today we've asked Chef for just one course instead of the usual three,

as we're struggling to eat it all.

Oh. Blimey.

You see, what they've done now,

they've just given us a three-course meal in a bowl.

This is you cutting down, is it?

Wow. Thank you. You're welcome.

I hope this doesn't flake.

Be interested to know what Her Majesty's eating at this moment.

I bet she's not having a Pot Noodle. Do you not think?

She's probably having an 'am sandwich and we're having this.

Well, yes. You see, you don't know what she eats.

And like a true Yorkshireman, Neil doesn't waste time nattering

when there's good food on the table.

With our seafood lunch nicely digesting, Sue and I are out on deck

as we cruise towards our Windsor mooring.

It's gorgeous today. Perfect day.

This is our little Venice.... Oh, it's beautiful, ain't it?

..in the UK. Cos it is pretty, innit? Look at that.

It's really nice. I can't believe we've never seen this.

Well, travel... I'm ashamed of myself. You travel miles...

Are we...? It's getting a bit...

It's low, that, Jane. Goodbye.

Are we going to be able to get under this bridge?

I know where I'm going.

JANE LAUGHS That's really low!

Flippin' 'eck!

That were a close shave, that. It's a good job we sat down!

I'm thinking, that's not low! What they talking about?

That were amazing, weren't it?

Coming up,

we discover where the rich and famous tie the knot in Windsor.

Elton and David. Elton John and David Furnish

they were in there. Look how excited we were for Elton John. I know.

I'm sailing down the Thames on a river cruiser

in the middle of autumn.

We've booked the entire boat to ourselves as a special treat

to celebrate the girls' 70th birthdays.

Today, we've sailed 13 miles from Shepperton Lock to Windsor,

home to one of the Queen's favourite castles.

Oh, thank you so much, gentlemen. Thank you.

Windsor is extremely popular, with tourists visiting this royal town

from all over the world.

And there's certainly lots to do here, like the three-mile-long walk

with the castle in the distance,

or finding a good spot at the side of the road to watch

the changing of the guards at certain times of the day.

You could take a short boat trip around Windsor, or visit the castle

itself. It's closed today as the Queen's in residence,

so we've booked a walking tour with town crier and local tour guide

Chris Brown. We could have had an inclusive tour with the boat crew,

but who can resist a man in uniform?

So you're probably thinking, "Here's the castle." Yeah. "Why are we not looking over there?"

We should be looking down here cos, actually,

THIS is the heart of Windsor. Really? This was Church Street.

This is where the royals used to come out of the castle once a week

to go to church. It's a beautiful street.

You can see old cobles. Is all this original then, Chris?

A lot of it's changed over the years.

For example, this used to be cobbles as well, but it was wooden cobbles.

Wooden cobbles?

You've got to imagine your queen or the king

is up there and you don't want the people of Windsor making

lots of noise, horses on the cobble.

So they put wooden cobbles down here and the volume

was a lot reduced. Everybody's happy. Come this way.

We very famous street round the corner. Thank you.

Glad we got comfy shoes on.

You'll certainly need them as there is a lot to see on foot

and you don't want to come a cropper on the cobbles.

Prince Harry. Oh, yeah.

That used to be the Three Tuns for hundreds of years. Yeah.

Up until two years ago when Harry and Meghan got wed and suddenly,

about two weeks before the wedding, they changed their name.

Are they allowed to do that? Well, apparently, yes.

And it's done them brilliantly, cos, if you can imagine,

we had so many people here and everybody wanted to drink

in the Prince Harry. Yeah.

We thought they'd change it back afterwards.

No, why would ya? Exactly.

This is our Guildhall, it's also the town hall.

Upstairs, we have a place to get married.

Oh! And we've had a couple of very famous weddings up there.

I'll start with the most famous - the royal wedding. Yeah.

Prince Charles. Really? Not the first time. Camilla.

Camilla and he got married.

It was here at the Guildhall, upstairs, here. I never knew that.

Yeah, well... You see what I'm leaning today?

W year later, we changed the law in this country

to allow gay civil ceremonies. Day one - Elton and David turned up.

Elton John, David Furnish.

They were in there. Look how excited we were for Elton John.

LAUGHTER

So now... Yeah.

..I want to show you the very best thing about Windsor.

OK. Come on. Lead the way. Do we need any money?

JANE LAUGHS

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Queen Charlotte Street,

officially, at 51 feet and 10 inches long,

the shortest street in England. Forget everything else.

This is the best thing about Windsor.

You're being disappointed, aren't you? I do apologise!

I mean, whatever floats your boat.

They would just call that a ginnel round our way.

There's still more to see. Is there? Come on. This way, please. Right.

You've seen red postboxes.

You've probably seen green postboxes, even gold postboxes.

This is the only blue postbox in the country. Why is that?

It commemorates the world's first scheduled air post service,

which ran all the way from Hendon, 15 miles away,

to Windsor back in 1911.

They certainly take the first class post seriously round here.

My favourite point about this corner here is number 14 over there.

That door was used in one of the greatest films of all time.

Notting Hill?

Carry On Again, Doctor.

That was the entrance to the Dr Nookey's surgery...

Dr Nookey's surgery!

Windsor's good, isn't it?

After all this walking, I think it's time for a drink

at Windsor's own microbrewery.

Thank you very much.

Here's to royalty. God Save The Queen. God Save The Queen.

God Save The Queen. I'll drink to that.

And with our bellies full of beer,

thankfully it's only a short stagger back to the boat.

You can do everything at your own pace on this cruise -

the boat is yours to do as you wish.

We could skip dinner if we wanted

and hop ashore, as all the pubs and restaurants are right

on our doorstep and we don't have to drive.

Neil's popped off for a pint

but the bright lights of Windsor are not tempting us tonight.

After a busy day on our feet, me and the girls are powering down

in our comfy casuals with a cuppa.

Next time, we explore the impressive grounds

at the great Cliveden estate...

Looks like it's not real, don't it?

It looks like that stuff you can buy.

..and marvel at the magnificent mosaics.

Look at this!

Fancy doing it with the person that did all this, though.

I try my hand at some wood whittling down at the boat yard.

I'm shaving the flag pole.

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm obviously a natural.

SHE LAUGHS

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# In the middle of the night

# I go walking in my sleep

# From the mountains of faith The mountains of faith

# To the river so deep River so deep

# I must be looking for something Looking for something

# Something sacred I lost Sacred I lost

# But the river is wide Wide

# And it's too hard to cross Too hard to cross

# But even though I know the river is wide

# I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore

# I try to cross to the opposite side

# So I can finally find what I've been looking for

# In the middle of the night In the middle of the night

# I go walking in my sleep I go walking in my sleep

# Through the valley of fear Valley of fear

# To a river so deep River so deep

# I've been searching for something Searching for something

# Taken out of my soul Taken out of my soul

# Something I'd never lose Never lose

# Something somebody stole Something somebody stole

# I don't know why I go walking at night

# But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk any more

# I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life

# Until I find what it is that I've been looking for

# In the middle of the night

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the

# I go walking in the

# In the middle of the night In the middle of the night

# I go walking in my sleep I go walking in my sleep

# Through the desert of truth Desert of truth

# By the river of dreams

# In the middle of the night. #

I'm Jane McDonald, and I've spent my life sailing the globe.

It's fantastic! I love it.

25 years ago, I started my travelling career as a singer

on the cruise ships and now I've swapped my dressing room

for a state room, as I carry on cruising as a passenger.

Owner's Suite - yes!

I've learned so much...

How do you feel? Erm, surprisingly OK.

..and visited some amazing places.

Looking for tarantulas. Why?!

Because we're here. Why would you look for a tarantula?!

So now I want to share all my travel tips with you.

Oh, yeah, that's telling me where I am.

I'm very impressed with that.

All you have to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

We are sailing!

This time, I'm on the second leg of my cruise sailing up the Thames

to celebrate two of my best friend's 70th birthdays.

Ooh, hello! Look at those!

Oh, look, a houseboat, you see? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know, I think I could live on a houseboat.

Oh, I could.

We wanted to holiday together in the UK,

so we clubbed together and booked a private river cruiser.

Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

Cheers! Here we go again. Up the river!

It's a gentle, relaxing trip, where we can enjoy

the English countryside and soak up some history.

Right, the most important thing... Is to hit it.

It's not going to bounce. So, it doesn't bounce?

Oh! I told you didn't bounce.

They don't bounce. We've got 72 balls. Oh, I'm with you.

The Thames is one of Britain's most famous rivers,

meandering its way for 215 miles from the Cotswolds to the coast.

I always thought of the Thames as the famous bit round London,

but we're discovering there's so much more to see

from our river cruiser.

Ooh, that were a close shave, that! It's a good job we sat down!

It was. I'm thinking, that's not low!

We set sail in the middle of autumn to coincide

with the girls' 70th birthdays.

But it's also the perfect time of year to enjoy

the leaves changing colour.

Hiya! Nice to see ya!

Sorry, you see, I'm waving to folk. Aren't people on the river?!

Our cruise started from Hampton Court after a fascinating trip

around the palace.

I can't believe, you know, we're in the hall and the home

of one of the most tyrannical kings,

who just...deleted their wife!

Just deleted... In more ways than one!

Yeah!

And then, up through Shepperton Lock on onto Windsor,

where we followed in the steps of royalty.

This is the heart of Windsor. Really?

This was Church Street.

This is where the royals used to come out of the castle,

once a week, to go to church.

Plus, we've never stopped eating...

That is gorgeous!

..or drinking!

And there's still more to come.

We're on board a four-birth river cruiser that started life

as a working Belgian cargo barge 83 years ago.

The boat has been lovingly transformed into a floating hotel

by Captain Dominic and his son, Oliver.

SHE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY Well, I didn't expect this!

I thought it would be a bunk or a hammock.

And every bit of space has certainly being utilised.

And look at this, Jane.

Oh, she's very excited about this!

Oh! It's a wardrobe. Oh, you've got a secret wardrobe.

A little hide-away. Wardrobe, yeah.

It has four en suite cabins on the lower deck,

with two doubles at the front and a twin and double at the rear.

All cabins lead up to the main living room,

which leads to an outside seating area at the front and kitchen

and wheelhouse at the back.

It's the morning of our third day and we're waking up

at our mooring, right below Windsor Castle in the heart of the town.

Good morning. Come in, my lovely!

Some breakfast for you to start the day. Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, you haven't got a cup of tea, have you?

I'll go and get you one right away.

Oh, do you mind much? Absolutely not.

That'd be smashing, thank you so much!

I'm stopping in my cabin for now, as I'm not quite ready

for my close-up, but the birthday girls are up,

dressed and tucking into the spread.

A river cruise like this is a great way to see the nooks and crannies

of England that you wouldn't normally see from the roads.

I can't believe that we're only 20 minutes from Heathrow Airport

and just a few minutes' walk from the centre of town.

It's so quiet and peaceful here.

Even the swans are on mute.

And while I got me brew, we're pulling up the gangplank

and setting sail.

SWANS HONK

Today, we're travelling from Windsor Castle,

stopping at the waterside in at Bray for lunch

and then on to Cliveden for our overnight stop.

Our river cruiser is the biggest boat this side of the Thames,

which means that it can't always park up on a mooring

if the water is too shallow.

That's the case today, as we set off for a birthday lunch treat

for the girls.

So the crew have arranged for us to transfer to a smaller boat.

See you later!

It's like being in Venice.

Well, we don't have a gondola, but we do have a little 1960s

motorboat called the Fringilla.

She's owned by our skipper Will's family,

who've been working on the Thames for the past 30 years.

A lovely way to commute to our restaurant.

And what a way to arrive! I know.

Oh, come on, you know?! You do feel, cos I know we're in Windsor

and it's on the Thames, but we actually do feel a bit

like royalty on here, don't we?

It's very...it's posh, isn't it?

Very posh. What we call posh up north. Very posh!

There call it posh everywhere, Sue.

We are just about to eat in a three-star Michelin restaurant

and there are only five in the UK.

Assistant Manager Dean is waiting to greet us.

Hello. there. Hi, good afternoon. Welcome to The Waterside Inn.

Table Awaits. Thank you very much. Please.

This lunch isn't included in our cruise,

but the crew often suggest different places to eat or drink

along the way if you fancy a change of scene.

I know! I've heard all about this place.

You have, we're going to find out. Thank you.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

The restaurant was opened 48 years ago by the late Chef Patron,

Michel Roux, who I met on the cruises

and has now passed it on to his son, Alain.

The whole of the Roux family are like a cooking dynasty -

what they don't know about French cuisine is not worth knowing.

Lovely little bites from the chef to start lunch. Thank you.

We've got a pork terrine, and then we've got a little

snail and duck barbajuan with parsley.

I'm just going to have one of each

because I'm sure they're going to be gorgeous.

Thank you. Oh, that little one, Sue, is a bit like a pork pie!

HE CHUCKLES

A little mustard on top as well. Oh!

You see that, this little pork terrine here,

it's got all the ingredients of a really good pork pie.

Cos it's got pork bits, a bit of jelly,

a bit of that, so I think that's a pork pie.

CRUNCHES

I'm just going to go.

And now for the snail.

I can't pronounce what I'm eating but it does taste posh!

Mm!

To be honest, I could just eat a whole tray of pork pie

and snail vol-au-vents.

Ooh!

I've got Jane on mine!

Oh, I've got Olwen on mine. That's good.

The main restaurant is next door overlooking the Thames,

but we've asked to sit in the private dining room

for a special reason.

Isn't it true, though, that the Queen has been in this room?

The Queen, royalty? Yeah... Sat right here.

Yeah. Bet she didn't come in a puffer jacket, do you?!

Well, I didn't like to say owt, Sue, but...!

SHE LAUGHS

Would you like a plain or rye flour roll, madam?

Uh, the most healthy.

Hm. Let's go with rye. Rye, thank you.

It's your fault now!

THEY LAUGH

I'm normally on the big cruise ships meeting new friends,

but this trip has been all about quality time with some old ones.

You know, every so often in our lives,

we have a moment, don't we, that we want to remember forever?

And I never thought in a million years I would be sat here

on your two birthdays...

I'm going! Don't start!

And this is what it's all about.

It's all about making memories,

and it's all about having the people that you love around you.

And I'm so thrilled.

So thrilled...

I've gone! ..that you're here.

So, here's to friendship.

Here's to friendship, yeah. Friendship.

Oh, dear!

Oh. I know!

That's us done. I know.

SHE LAUGHS

Quick, where's that food?!

Thanks. So, Jane. Mm-hm.

I've served you a roasted loin of venison. Yes.

Which is wrapped in a puff pastry, Wellington style,

and it's served with suede, seasonal wild mushrooms,

mainly girolle at the moment. Mm-hm.

Hermitage wine sauce with some little blackcurrants.

Well, I hope you enjoy it. I will. I'll bring you more sauce.

Oh, I love all this saucy talk, Alain!

I do like me gravy!

THEY LAUGH

Behind-the-scenes, there are more than 25 chefs working

in the kitchens, trained under Alain's watchful eye.

But this isn't the only three Michelin star restaurant in town.

Fellow Chef Patron Heston Blumenthal is just a few doors down

and he has three Michelin stars too.

Oh! Oh! Must something in the water around here!

That's the naughty plate of the house.

I'm glad you've chosen that.

Mm-mmm!

That's chestnut. Mm!

And it actually tastes like Baileys.

But all good things must come to an end.

What an amazing day!

..and it's time to head back to the river.

Thank you so much!

See you soon in Bray on Thames. I certainly hope so!

Thank you, Jane. Mwah! Au revoir. Take care. Bon voyage.

Ah, merci. Bye-bye.

Oh-la-lark at me getting into the lingo!

I'm just glad we don't have to worry about getting back

to the river cruiser.

Coming up, it's bubble trouble as we get steamy in the hot tub.

We need a drink! Oh, wow!

And we are spellbound by the magical atmosphere at the Cliveden estate.

Wow. I know.

Fancy doing it, the person that did all this, though!

I'm on a UK cruise sailing up the Thames

in the middle of autumn.

It's a special time as my two girlfriends celebrate

their 70th birthdays, along with our mate Neil.

We're all a bit giddy after our boozy lunch back in Bray.

Wooooo!

BOAT TOOTS

Oh, it's just little things in life that make you happy,

like screaming under a bridge!

If you'd told me that I would be about to jump into a hot tub

on the back of a river cruiser sailing down the Thames

in the middle of October, I would have told you to jog on.

Right. Oh, Jane! I'm going in.

Oh, my God! I can't believe we're doing this after a big lunch.

You go first, Jane, you go first. Oh!

Oh, it's like a bath.

Oh, it's red hot!

Gorgeous! It's red hot.

SHE LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY

But, you know me - I'll try anything once!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Isn't it lovely, this?!

Isn't it fabulous, this?!

We need a drink. Oh, wow!

Oh, great. I want a few of these bubbles. Yeah.

Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Look at that!

Get you going! Like a massage, this.

You're going...you're going up and down.

Yeah, because you can let the jets go up and down your body.

Oh! You get what I mean?!

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Oh, 'ey up.

Right. Oh, be careful. Shall we pass them across?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Oh! Lovely!

Thank you.

This has been great. It's just been amazing.

It really has.

Hello! Yoo-hoo!

Hello!

We're causing quite a stir with the locals.

Bye! We're on the move.

Lovely to meet you.

Lovely to see you.

It's hard work this, you know!

As the sun sets, we can just make out tonight's stopover.

That's Cliveden House. Yeah, lovely.

That's where Meghan Markle...

..got married. Oh, really? You know, when she was staying.

What, getting ready? Yeah. Oh.

Getting herself all ready for Prince Harry.

Well, we're not staying in a fancy hotel tonight,

but we're quite happy with our river cruiser,

which will be moored up just below the Cliveden estate.

It's so quiet down here that we're making the most

of the still night air.

Oh! It's nearly winter. Yeah.

And we're sat outside. Outside. I know. Mm.

It's fantastic, isn't it? Yeah.

It's a really relaxed way of life, this, isn't it?

Oh, without a doubt. Yeah, anything you want.

Hot chocolates for you. Oh! Oh, wow!

You've twisted our arm. Look at them!

Thank you. Thank you.

I love a marshmallow.

Well, it's a dessert, this, isn't it?

Ooh! It certainly is.

The question is, do you eat it or drink it?

Both! Well, yeah, each to their own.

I'm just dipping mine in.

Squash them down. Yeah, lovely!

Mm! Mm!

It's a real treat, this.

Oh, absolutely!

I'm so relaxed, I think I'll be asleep

before my head hits the pillow.

Night, all.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

It's day four, and after a peaceful night's sleep

and a hearty breakfast, it's time to explore Cliveden -

The National Trust estate that was once owned by the super rich

American family, the Astors.

See you later. Bye! Thank you.

Oh, hello! Good morning! It's a nice little welcome.

Yes, thank you so much.

Oh, I'm on land!

I'm on land! Good morning. Good morning.

Thank you very much.

And it's good to catch up again with our boat guide, Sarah Jane.

She's going to walk us around the grounds

and as our boat is moored down at river level,

the only way is up.

172 steps.

But it's fine. It's worth it when we get to the top.

I don't think I was expecting that. Come on then. Let's do it.

Oh, I have to stop. Just a step change!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear! I like that. Ooh!

I'm going to have to stop in a minute.

OK. I'm going to have... Wait here.

..one big buttock!

Um, how are you doing, ladies? Oh, fine.

Oh, yeah. Fine. Absolutely fine.

Following up at the rear, we're fine. Did the Astors do this?

They did. But, do you know, Queen Victoria,

when she came here to visit Duchess of Sutherland,

she had a pushing stick?

So, somebody would be behind her and it would go around her back

and they'd push her up.

That's a good idea! Yeah, that's what we need.

Yeah, definitely. Have we got... I'll get Dominic to make one.

Have we got someone? Yeah, have we got someone who could push us up?

Shall we just carry on, then? Yeah.

Carry on regardless. Rested? Not many more to go.

Oh, gosh! Oh, my word!

How are you so fit?!

172 steps later...

Well, Sarah Jane was right - it's certainly worth it.

Look at this. Oh, wow!

Isn't it incredible?

Looks glorious, look at the colours! I know.

America talk about the fall and we've got it...

We've got it right here. ..here, haven't we?

That's worth that climb up there. It really is worth it, isn't it?

It really is, isn't it?

Wow.

And this beautiful spot is where the Astor family

created their chapel of rest.

Come and have a look. It's beautiful.

Yeah. Numbers are really limited.

OK, thank you.

Just two of us, yeah? Yes. Thank you very much.

OK, wipe your feet. Yeah.

Oh, look at this. I know.

That's gorgeous.

Look at this!

Fancy doing it, the person that did all this, though!

That is so incredibly beautiful. Mm.

On our doorstep, Sue. I know.

I know. It's unbelievable, isn't it? I know.

The things that we haven't done in our lifetime. I know. I know.

In our own country.

It's ridiculous, really. Yeah, it is.

So, this is the Octagon Temple.

It was originally built as a tea room by the Earl of Orkney,

but then 160 years later,

Lord Astor turned it into a private chapel.

The mosaics took four years.

The story of Christ and the Old Testament,

and it's the final resting place of the Astors here.

Oh, wow!

Beautiful.

The Astor family owned Cliveden for nearly 50 years

and the old part of the house is still occasionally open

to the public.

During the 1930s, the house parties were legendary

and it wouldn't have been unusual to bump into Charlie Chaplin

or playwright George Bernard Shaw on the terrace.

The parties came to an abrupt ending in the '60s,

when married high profile politician John Profumo

met young model Christine Keeler by the swimming pool

and the scandal rocked the country.

Shortly after that, the National Trust took over the estate

and in 1995, part of the house was turned into a hotel,

where you can book afternoon tea if you are not a resident.

We're not quite ready for more food yet,

so we're sticking with a lovely walk around the grounds.

Yes, so this is the Parterre and it covers six acres.

What's parterre? The garden turns where they laid out in this box

hedge forms, in geometrical shapes.

Isn't it incredible? I've never seen anything like this, at all.

See our own back yard used to have an old Ford Cortina in it.

You know! Yeah, slightly different. There's not an engine in sight.

I'm just at them hedges. It's just immaculate.

Cos I've quite a cheap hedge cutter and I'm thinking,

I bet he's not using mine. No.

That's a proper corner on that, isn't it?!

Oh, I've just got to have a feel of this hedge.

Just... Oh, it's so smooth.

How do they do that?

That's...it looks like it's not real, doesn't it? It does.

It looks like that stuff you can buy, like fake lawn. Yeah.

But it's not real, it's real, isn't it? That's amazing.

That's a well trimmed bush, that.

A work of art.

Next! A work of art.

The estate is 376 acres,

with 100 acres of formal grounds, looked after by a 100 staff

and 300 volunteers.

This is amazing.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Oh, yeah!

Wow.

I love this.

Look at this.

Listen to the sound, Jane. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SHE HITS A HIGH NOTE

Yeah.

That's a long reverb, isn't it?! Isn't it beautiful?

So they did things like...

CLEARS THROAT

SHE HUMS GREENSLEEVES

That sound is unbelievable!

So, what did they use the sound for?

Well, they don't know, but they presume an orchestra

or something would be in here.

So, it was like a sound system? Yes, exactly.

That's amazing.

Now have a look at the Parterre. Oh!

Oh, that's fantastic.

Gosh. Incredible.

That is just stunning.

And the air, just smell that air!

Yeah. It really is, isn't it?

My God, there's some money here, isn't' there? I know.

This balustrade here is from the Borghese Villa.

Really?! Ooh! Yeah, brought across by Astor.

I thought you said Asda!

THEY LAUGH No, not Asda!

The Fountain of Love is gorgeous, isn't it?

It that was it's called, the Fountain of Love?

The Fountain of Love, it's the Fountain of Love. Aw!

That is incredible, isn't it?

It is, and this is where... Meghan stayed here, obviously,

the night before her wedding.

I was doing a tour and I passed her.

I was on the way out, she was on the way.

Oh, did you go, "Hiya!"?

No cars there, though. Have a nice day!

No cars, all the cars were cleared.

That's...that's amazing, that, isn't it?

Did they picture the fountain, then, did they...? They did.

Everybody in the world saw the fountain.

You know, I didn't actually see whether they pictured the fountain

but I imagine they did because the water was blue

when I came and had a look. Blue?! I'd never seen it blue before.

My goodness. Everything for the telly! Yeah.

You can spend hours exploring the grounds, including William Astor's

Japanese-inspired water garden.

Oh, gosh, it's beautiful!

Oh, isn't it lovely? Isn't it glorious?

That's sensation.

Look at all the colours. Oh!

That's what I love about this time of year.

Colours are amazing, aren't they?

Red, look at that red. Yeah, the reds and the golds

and the greens and the browns.

This is the... I mean, that's the beauty,

you can come here any time of year.

You really can. You really can. And it'll look stunning.

Like all good ideas, this garden started small with the duck pond,

and then when the Oriental Pagoda landed from Paris,

the whole Japanese theme really took off.

In winter, the pond was used as a skating rink

to entertain passing guests.

My friends think they're lucky if they got a brew

when they pop round!

So, you enjoyed Cliveden? Oh, yes! Really loved it.

Loved it! Thank you so much, Sarah Jane. Thank you.

BELL TINKLES Oh. Oh! Just in time.

THEY LAUGH

That was the bell to go back to the boat.

Time to bid farewell as we set sail down Cliveden Reach,

known as one of the prettiest spots on the Thames.

The Victorians and Edwardians had cottoned on to

this stretch as well.

One day, in 1894, there were over 1,000 boats here.

Thankfully, it's a bit quieter today.

Neil, can you take them? Yeah, with pleasure.

Coming up, some retail therapy on dry land...

Oh, I love a shop, I love a shop!

I love a shop!

..and the birthday celebrations continue.

ALL: Surprise!

This time, I'm sailing up the Thames in the middle of autumn

to celebrate my two best friends' birthdays.

We've been very lucky with the weather at this time of year,

and I've even ventured out on deck without my coat.

Today, we've sailed from Cliveden, with our next stop

at the village of Cookham, and then we're heading onto Hurley

for the night.

This stunning part of the river was the inspiration for the famous

children's book The Wind in the Willows.

And I can see why.

It's such a beautiful part of the Thames.

Our holiday is all about taking your foot off the pedal

and enjoying the slow pace of life, leaving someone else to do

all the cooking, cleaning and housekeeping.

It's only a short sale from Cliveden to Cookham,

and as the river is deep enough here, the boat can moor up

right next to the shore.

Oh, thanks. I'll see you later! See you soon.

Ta-rah! See you soon. Hello, again.

That's my kind of hassle free travelling.

Right.

Cookham is a classic historic village, perched on the side

of the Thames with a high street that's full of shops.

It was also home to the late British artist Stanley Spencer,

and there's a gallery dedicated to him at the top of the high street.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

There we go. So, welcome to the village of Cookham.

Thank you. Welcome to Stanley Spencer Gallery.

If you have a wander around, I'll wait for you outside.

OK. Thank you. Right, let's do this then.

It's run by a group of volunteers who charge a small entrance fee

and we were told by the crew it's worth a look.

Hi.

Hello, welcome to Stanley Spencer, Gallery. Oh, hello, there!

Nice to see you. Stanley Spencer, can you tell us a bit about him?

He was born in Cookham in 1891.

He went to the Slade School of Art and studied with

other very famous artists.

What's this painting here, cos it's not finished, is it?

That's, um... It isn't.

Unfortunately, Stanley died before he could complete it

and it's Christ preaching at Cookham Regatta.

Wow! So, basically, it's the Cookham Regatta as it was in the '50s.

But in the centre, you've got the figure of Christ

and the disciples.

Oh, that's amazing... So, yeah.

..that he's put Cookham people into everything, yeah?

He did and he did a lot of his religious art,

Resurrection at Cookham through the churchyard.

I don't know if you've been there.

So Cookham was his main inspiration, really.

Was he married? He was married twice, actually.

Is that Hilda? That's a self-portrait of Hilda Carline,

his first wife. Oh, that's... And she was an artist.

And second to a lady called Patricia Preece.

That's Patricia...? That didn't last very long, the marriage.

Did it not? They didn't actually...

The wedding night, they didn't actually spend together

and they never lived together.

That's Patricia. That's Patricia Preece, who was an artist,

but her partner, Dorothy Hepworth, was a more accomplished artist.

So her partner, Dorothy? Yeah.

I sort of get now why...

Yeah. The relationship probably didn't work.

I suppose it was a doomed marriage.

Patricia wanted certain things out of the marriage

and Stanley wanted other things and they... The two didn't meet.

So it wasn't a true marriage. Oh, dear.

Really, but... Maybe they should've had a chat.

Yeah. Yeah. I think so, yeah.

It sounds eccentric.

Yeah, there were quite colourful, I guess.

Lots of stories of him getting dressed by just putting

his suit over his pyjamas.

Everything was about the art, so he'd just go out as he was,

didn't particularly want to eat.

He lived on jam sandwiches most of the time. Oh.

So, it was eccentric, I suppose.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Despite the chaotic love life, his art was extremely successful

and collectors now pay millions for his work.

Thank you so much for explaining everything.

That's all right, you're welcome.

And we'll go off and have a look. Enjoy the rest of Cookham.

It's a lovely day. Thank you. Lovely meeting you all.

And you too. All right, thanks ever so much. Bye! Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

And artistic talents seem to run through the whole village.

Oh, wow. Look at these!

Oh, gorgeous.

Oh, I love how they've done this and that.

Jane McDonald!

Hello!

Are these for me? It's so fabulous to meet you! Aw!

They are for you. Bless you, darling.

There are for you, absolutely. Thank you!

Thank you so, so... How are you? Very well!

What a beautiful place! Welcome to Cookham!

And I'm loving your work here. Oh, thanks. I did that this morning.

Did you, darling? That's why I'm covered in glitter. Oh!

Is that just not a normal?

It's a normal thing for me.

Every day's a glitter day!

Every day's a glitter day - I love that!

Cheers. Anyway, it's so lovely to meet you. Have a fabulous day.

I will. Nice to see you. And thank you. Not at all.

Not at all, take care. All the best. Beautiful. Have a lovely day. Bye!

What friendly folk round here!

Cookham high street is full of independently owned shops,

and I'm only too happy to support them.

Hang on a minute. Can someone... Neil, can you take them?

Yeah, with pleasure.

First rule of shopping club, blokes stay outside.

Can I go in? I'm going in.

Please use the other door. Yeah!

Clothes shop.

What a lovely shop!

Oh! Well, do you want to have another look round?

Could we? Yes, have a look round and if there's anything

that you fancy, then you can, you know.

That's lovely.

Did I see nightwear in there? You did. Oh! You did.

See, I'll have to get some quite salubrious

cos I'm away such a lot, I like to give my old man

a bit of a treat now and again.

Only now and again, obviously!

We do that quite often, our ladies.

Yeah, that's great.

Next door, we've got swimwear and we've got nightwear.

Oh, perfect!

Oh, I love a shop, I love a shop. I love a shop!

Look at that one.

Yeah. You'll feel respectable in that. Yes, exactly, yes.

Not too heavy. Yeah.

Yes, that'll do.

Practicality wins over sexy every time.

Dress boutiques have been in Vicky's family for generations.

Her mother had a shop and her mother before her.

Is this your mother here? It is my mother, yep.

Oh, she looks quite formidable there.

Yes, she was.

That's why we have a here, to keep an eye on us.

That's a good thing, isn't it? Yes.

She looks quite great. Yeah. Wonderful.

Right, where are we?

I for one and doing all I can to support our high street.

I see it as a community service to keep shopping and carry on.

Well, thank you very much. Not at all.

Really super to see you, enjoy the rest of the trip.

I will, I will. Lovely. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Thank you for your time. Not at all, lovely to see you.

And you too, all the best. Bye. Bye-bye.

Oh!

Home, sweet home. Oh! I know, yeah.

I'm happy, though, I've got a bag.

Yeah. We've got a bag.

It's the thing, isn't it? Mm-hm.

We're heading upstream to Hurley and tonight's our final night

on the river cruiser.

The whole thinking behind this trip has been to celebrate the girls'

birthday, so this evening, I've planned a surprise.

I've known Sue and Olwen for more years than I can count.

They've always been such good friends

and I want their 70th birthday to be one to remember.

Put a bit of slap on.

Every little helps!

Sorry.

They've got no idea that this is going on.

OK, is that all right? Yeah, thank you very much, yes. Fantastic.

Right, I'm about ready. Ooh!

Hang on, I better put my shoes on.

I've got wigs and everything.

It's exciting, isn't it?! I love a party!

I can't wait to see their faces.

ALL: Surprise!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

I knew there was something going on!

I haven't even got a tissue! I haven't even got a tissue.

I'm filling up. Aw!

Oh, dear!

Happy birthday, you two!

Oh, thank you!

Where's the pressies?

THEY LAUGH

In my room. Although I did...

I thought, there's something...

There's something dodgy going on here.

She's been trying to back-comb my hair all day!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear.

I've picked a '70s theme tonight, which isn't strictly

the decade they were born, but who's counting?!

We are allowed to put our wigs on now,

if we can get into the boxes!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I think they look great.

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Do you know, I'm getting used to her in that, are you?

Yeah. You look like the Beverley Sisters. Yeah.

They're all dead!

Time to fill our glasses once again and get stuck into

the party atmosphere.

Our captain, Dominic, is joining us with his son, Oliver,

and it's good to see them having a night off

and letting their hair down.

To the ship and the river.

GLASSES CLINK

Wigs off and it's cake time,

as with all these candles, we could be a fire hazard.

Oh!

# Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday Sue and Olwen

# Happy Birthday to you! #.

Oh!

THEY CHEER

How lovely. Thank you!

Oh, look!

Coming up...

Actually, that's therapeutic, isn't it?

..I discover that I'm actually quite good with wood.

I quite like doing this.

It's the last day of cruising on our private river cruiser

holiday up the Thames.

We have one more trip to make before we head upstream

to our final stop in Henley.

The crew have recommended we visit a local boat yard

that's been in the same family for over 300 years.

Thank you, my love. You're welcome.

I always feel so special when you do that.

Thank you! You're welcome.

Umbrella holder and Skipper Oliver has been coming to this boat yard

since he was a boy and he says we're in for a treat.

It's just a short walk from our river cruiser,

and on a rainy day like today, I'm just glad

that it's all under cover.

The late Peter Freebody took over the boat building business

from his grandfather in 1933,

and now his son Richard is in charge.

Hi there, mate. Hi, guys. Oh, hello!

Yeah, welcome to the boat yard yeah. Good to see you.

Let me show you into the boat yard and what we do.

Fantastic!

It is fascinating to walk through these old sheds and see

master craftsmen working on boat projects

that can sometimes take years to complete.

Oh, look at this.

So, guys, this is where it all goes on.

So, this is a lovely cruiser from the 1930s,

that we're completely rebuilding for a couple that have

another boat with us.

This is a lovely little thing.

This is little Thames dinghy that my father built for a customer.

And it was actually for the customer to give his 16-year-old daughter

a birthday present.

Oh, wow. They've got money around here, then, haven't they?!

THEY LAUGH

I only got a watch!

Behind us here, we've got a lovely Venetian water taxi.

Oh, look at that!

That's...that's got the glitz and the glamour attached to it.

It's very George Clooney, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Just near an Nespresso on there and you'd be away!

THEY LAUGH

So, Jane, we're going to get you on the tools now.

Oh, right! So this is the flagstaff

for this Venetian water taxi.

So using the block plane, you're literally just taking some

shavings off and rotating your hand...

..like that. Yeah, you sure you'd... If you'd like to have a go.

Are you sure? We'll see if we can make a boat builder out of you.

Right, cos you've been here 300 years, don't forget,

I've been here three minutes!

Perfect. Oh, look!

I'm on a plane. That's it.

I quite like doing this.

Oh, that's quite...

Actually, that's therapeutic, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

You're creating something.

So, what is this, what am I doing?

You're shaving the flagpole.

Yeah...

Really?

I'm shaving the flagpole!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I'm obviously a natural!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, love it!

It'll be a toothpick by the time I'm finished.

This is where the finished article...

Oh! ..is.

So, these are... Come and have a look at this.

..the slipper launches that we're famous for building.

And they're basically designed for lovely, glamorous jaunts

on the Thames, just with a glass of something.

So that's really for me, isn't it?

Right up your street, Jane, I think. Glamorous... Yeah, perfect.

They're getting quite...quite elaborate now and quite high-tech.

This is an electric version.

So, we're obviously into the age of electric propulsion.

Oh, wow, yeah. So, uh...

So with that, it's really, really quiet?

Super quiet.

You get really, really close to nature,

the kingfishers and the swans.

How...how much would one of these be?

Uh, they start at around 180,000 plus VAT.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ooh, I'll have two, please!

I love how you've...

This has been 300 years and now this is the future.

Absolutely. Yeah, I think it's very, very important to always embrace

the future but obviously keep it... Keep tradition.

..very much in keeping with tradition.

Lovely. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers, guys!

All the very best. Thanks very much.

Beautiful craftsmanship and perfect for a summer jaunt,

but in autumn, they're all under wraps -

a bit like us!

It's our last lunch, so we're all up on deck as we set sail

towards Henley-on-Thames, famous for the annual rowing regatta.

You can spot rowers all year round and like us,

I think they might have their thermals on today.

And nothing warms you cockles more than a piping hot dinner

and today it's our special request -

roast pork.

Look at that!

DUCKS QUACK

I'm glad we didn't have duck!

So is that one! So are they!

Thank you. Yes, it's all right.

We're having pork today, dear.

Oh, look at that! Oh!

Oh, beautiful.

I've been fancying pork since we went to Hampton Court, have you?

Well, yeah, and the crackling and lots of meat.

It was about what they were talking about,

how much meat they used to eat in those days.

Yeah. Yeah.

What a perfect end to our cruising holiday.

Thank you for coming and thank you for letting me be

in your birthday because I've had the best birthday ever

and it's not even been mine!

And to you. I know.

Cheers! Cheers! Here's to 70. Thank you.

Next time. Here's to 71. Next time! Next time! Here's to next time.

Our trip started just over 40 miles away in London.

And we've cruised past fabulous countryside

and some of England's finest heritage...

..ending up in Henley-on-Thames in Oxfordshire.

Oh. Oh!

I'm just... I don't want to leave.

Bless you. Thank you. It's been such a pleasure.

Thank you. Thanks.

I feel like we're all family.

Come here, you! Oh, it's been a pleasure.

You're just amazing.

You!

Goodbye crew, and goodbye Thames.

My eyes have been opened to yet another stunning part

of my home country.

All right. Thanks, all the best.

Toodle-oo. Bye! Bye. Bye! Bye!

# Dirty old river

# Must you keep rolling

# Flowing into the night?

# People so busy

# Make me feel dizzy

# Taxi light shines so bright

# But I don't

# Need no friends

# As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset

# I am in paradise

# Sha-la-la

# Every day I look at the world from my window

# Sha-la-la

# But chilly, chilly is evening time

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Millions of people

# Swarming like flies 'round

# Waterloo underground

# But Terry and Julie

# Cross over the river

# Where they feel safe and sound

# And they don't

# Need no friends

# As long as they gaze on Waterloo sunset

# They are in paradise

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Waterloo sunset's fine #.