All language subtitles for iCarly.2021.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Ooh, pretty.

Are these "I love you" flowers,
or "I'm sorry" flowers?

- They're for you from a fan,
which makes them

"Please scrub our address
from the internet

so I can feel safe
in my own home" flowers.

- "Happy birthday." Nope.

- I like flowers.

- Okay.

We are all booked
for Carly's birthday trip

to Snoqualmie Falls.

- Yeah!
- Woo!

- Snoqualmie Falls
birthday trip, yes!

You guys are going to have
so much fun. Send pics.

- You're not coming?

- Carly sends us away every year

because of her
evil birthday curse.

Ooh.

- Don't know why you guys
are doing ghost noises.

I'd take a ghost
over this curse any day.

Ghosts can be hot.
Remember Patrick Swayze?

- She's had a few minor mishaps
on a few July 24ths.

- A Few? Minor?

16th birthday, gummy bear lamp,
burned down my bedroom.

19th, chipped my tooth
on a banana, 24th,

got mugged for my Tamagotchi.

I miss you, Kuchipatchi.

It's the curse.

Ooh!

- Hey, Freddie, when did you
get served your divorce papers

for both marriages?

- July 24th.
I rescind my "woo."

- That's why I now spend
my birthday alone

with a pie and nothing else.

If I'm home alone in my pajamas
eating soft food with a spoon,

there's no way the curse
can touch me.

- Happy birthday, Carly Shay.

- Principal Franklin? Hi.

It's so good to see you.

Curse.

- Why would you do that?
We love Principal Franklin.

- Him being here can only mean
one of two things.

There was a clerical error
and I didn't actually graduate,

or the school burned down and
they're trying to pin it on me

for leaving sparklers
in my locker.

Get out of the way.

- Get out of the way.

So sorry about that,
Principal Franklin.

Please, come in, have a seat.

- Don't worry;
it's not about the sparklers.

- Then what does bring you here

so dangerously close
to my birthday?

- I come bearing a gift.

Remember when Ms. Briggs asked
all of her students

to write letters
to their future selves

to be delivered
on their 27th birthday?

Yeah,

The "Where do you see yourself
in 15 years?" thing.

She said she was
going to deliver them herself.

- Well, she was supposed to,
but she canceled

at the last minute.
- She twist an ankle?

Break a hip?
She fall down a well?

Please tell me
she fell down a well.

She's fine.

- She just hates you.
- Sure.

- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Here you go.

- This is so cool.

- She also gave me
yours, Freddie.

- But my birthday isn't
for several months.

- Well, she hates you too.

And I'm retired, so I'm only
making this trip once.

- Well, do you want to be
with us while we open these?

I'll bet you're dying
to hear our letter.

Freddie, that's sweet.

But I ran into some traffic
on the way here,

and I got a little nosy,
so I'm all caught up.

Bye-bye.

- It's good to see you.
- Bye.

- "Hey, Carly Shay.
It's me, Carly Shay.

"I'm writing this while I wait

for the tether ball court
to free up."

- Tether ball.
- The common man's polo.

- "Happy birthday.

"Or at least by now I hope
you have happy birthdays

"and that you found the courage
to finally face your fears

"and break the birthday curse,
because it's been debilitating,

"which was this week's
vocab word.

"Have fun skydiving
from your hover car,

my happier future self.
Love, Carly."

Poor 12-year-old me;
she thought she had it bad,

and she hadn't even met
the goat yet.

- Goat?
- We don't talk about the goat.

- Freddie,
what's your letter say?

- "Hey, stud.
I know you've been partying

"like a baller,
but you're almost 30 now.

"So stop debilitating already.
It's time to buckle down,

"start a business,
and maybe have a kid.

"I know it'll be hard to let go
of our sick, nasty party past,

but it's time to start
our next chapter."

- Freddie, you're so ahead
of schedule; good for you, man.

- Yeah, I guess.
I mean, my marriages

and the businesses I started
were all colossal failures,

and I have nothing
to show for it.

- Um, hi.

- Other than you, the most
precious part of my universe,

I have wasted my 20s.
I forgot to have fun.

- How do you think I feel?

I wanted to have fun;
I just couldn't.

- Dear Spence, you crushed it.

- And that's why every dress
needs pockets. Okay?

I'm not trying to have
my purse strap pull down

the side of my dress
and expose my bra strap, psh.

- You talk a lot.
- Thank you.

And you're welcome.

- Hello, I'll have...
- Hold up.

I got to turn these croissants
90 degrees every hour

so they get stale
at the same pace.

People are so impatient.
My God. You're...

- Alexavier,
noted fashion photographer,

bocce enthusiast,
and all-around standup guy.

You're adorable.

I love being recognized.

Except when they have
a subpoena, and then I'm like,

"Alexavier, what a dumb name."
What's your name?

It's...

my name...

Merffin.

Your name tag says Harper,
but you know what?

Who uses their government name
anymore?

I'll have a black coffee
and an evenly stale croissant.

Or should I have
the banana bread?

What do you recommend?

Okay.

Wow.

Could I get a black coffee,
a croissant,

and a muscle relaxer
for Merffin?

You overpacking too?

I brought three evening gowns
and zero bras.

- I want to be ready
for anything. Anything.

I may want
a fall-side margarita.

- Where is it?
- Wait, stop.

- What?
- Her secret stash of things

my mom
won't allow in our apartment?

- I'm telling you,
there isn't one.

- It's in the drawer
across from the sink.

- Yeah.
- You just made the list.

- No!

- Ooh, that's a nice touch.
You're off the list.

- Yes!

- Sugary cereal, nunchucks,
a video game where you play

someone playing
a violent video game.

This is perfect.

- No, there is nothing sadder

than an adult man
on a skateboard.

- It's not a skateboard;
it's a way of life.

Later, haters.

- Hi, Freddie. Bye, Freddie.

- Help me, haters.

- What? He called us haters.

- Big announcement.

I'm contemplating
dipping my teensiest toe

into the waters
of a birthday celebration.

This letter got me thinking.

I need to face my fears
and do the hardest thing

for a woman
in her mid-to late-20s.

Enjoy her birthdays.

Harper, I eed-nay to alk-tay

to ou-yay in the udio-stay.
- Okay-kay.

He probably wants
to talk about the trip.

- At least I've still got
my backup stash in your place.

- I'm sorry, what?

So you're going to have
a birthday party?

That sounds fun.

- No. No party.
I just want something small.

Something like...
- A total change of plans.

Snoqualmie is out;
surprise party is in,

and we have to make it huge.

- This is a huge mistake.
She said she wanted

to dip a little toe,
not do a belly flop.

- I'm telling you,
Carly wants...

- A quiet drive
through the park.

- Really?
With your driving history?

- You're right; I'm not
thinking small enough.

Maybe I could just
put ice cream on my pie.

I just generally
want to avoid...

- People. Balloons.
A champagne tower.

A surprise party to end
all surprise parties.

You heard the letter;
Carly needs this.

- But Harper doesn't.

I really wanted to go
to Snoqualmie Falls

so I could
throw myself off of it.

- Okay, let it out.
Dr. Spence is here.

- My idol came into work today,

and instead of being my normal,
fun,

fabulous, super charismatic,
sexy self, I froze up.

- It's like when I had dinner
with the Dalai Lama.

He was a lousy tipper.

- You don't understand.

If I could have impressed
Alexavier,

he might let me style
one of his shoots.

And that could change
my entire career trajectory.

- Alexavier the photographer?

- You know how Alexavier is?
- I'm going to ignore your tone

while I do you
an enormous favor.

Xay-xay and I go way back.
I'll just invite him

to the party,
and you can have a do-over.

- This party is the best idea
you've ever had.

Carly's going to eat
it up like...

- Rocky road?
Chocolate chip mint?

Who am I kidding?

I should stick with vanilla
on my birthday pie.

- Boy, that goat really did
a number on you.

Probably shouldn't put it
in the exploding,

nuclear box either.

Do I risk brain freeze?
I do not.

A knife would
make things easier...

or deadlier.

- On it.

Plant emoji, watering can emoji.

Surprise!

- What have you done?

- How could you?
- Great question.

Took a lot of work to pull this
together in 24 hours,

but Spencer
came through once again.

- When I mentioned upping
my birthday game,

I meant maybe sticking
a candle in my pie.

Not lit, obviously.

- But you can have so much
more than just pie.

Look at everyone who came.

- Principal Franklin?
- What can I say?

I got a Google alert
for champagne tower.

- All of you came
to celebrate me?

Yes.

- Aw.

Okay, party's over,
everybody out.

- No, no!

You are celebrating
this birthday.

Duke, you're on the door;
no one leaves

unless they are giving birth
or covered in vomit.

- Their own or someone else's?
- Use your best judgment.

Listen, it's going to be
a curse-free night; I promise.

Just have fun; let me be
the hyper-vigilant one.

Ooh, Jenga.

- I don't feel safe.

Birthday hug.

Harper,
why would you let this happen?

What would make you think
I want this party?

- Spencer insisted.

And I'm getting
absolutely nothing out of it,

except for maybe
Alexavier might be here.

- Hope he's got good insurance.
- Just so I don't get

tongue-tied,
I have subtly placed

a few note cards
throughout the apartment

with fun icebreakers
and quirky fashion facts.

- Do any of them
have instructions

for the Heimlich or CPR?

Saving lives is always on trend.

Wait, that gives me an idea.
Come with me.

All right, hold on to this,
and then I'll...

Okay, now get my legs.

- Okay, wait.
If we're going to go

full crazy,
at least let me make it cute.

Leave it to Harper Scissorhands.

All right, now give me
a little catwalk.

I like it.

Also, popping myself
is very soothing.

- Who made this look?
Not only is it gorgeous,

it is a searing commentary
on the role of fashion

in a cruel and dangerous world.

Plus, it's interactive, ha-hah.

It's a joy for the senses.
Don't you agree?

- Can't... read.

Too far away.

- Always fun to see you again,
Merffin.

- "Mark Jacobs has a SpongeBob
SquarePants tattoo."

Damn it, that's a quirky fact.

- Hey, be careful.

That handrail's
not just a suggestion.

I wish someone else responsible
was at this party.

Where's Freddie
when you need him?

- Who's ready to get drunk?

- Freddie. It's me, Duke.

- Hey, what's up, D-bag?

This is SnotRag,
MC-GymShorts, and Lloyd.

Now, if you'd be so chill

as to direct us
to your fattest keg?

God, Freddie.

You're an iguana guy now?

- Living the dream.

- Don't you think you might've
taken the time machine

back a little too far?

You're supposed to be
reliving your 20s, not puberty.

- Pfft. Girls are lame.

Not you, SnotRag.

- Carly.
- What?

One little bump
and these pretzel poppers

become salty shrapnel.

- You know, I thought you might
still be having a tough time

with your curse,
which is why I have a plan B.

That is disgusting.

- Respect.
- Hah.

- Mystic Zagnat,

reader of fortunes
and healer of misfortunes,

I present to you
Seattle's lostest soul.

- Please sit,
my bubble-wrapped child.

- Just give it a chance, Carly.
Just let the magic happen.

Just to clarify,
I don't do magic.

I do real stuff.

Now, pick a card.

- What's the worst
that could happen?

- The death card.

The death card is the worst,
and it has happened.

- "Alexavier, hello.

"Flip card.
I am a big fan.

"Smile.

"Flip card.

Alexavier, hello."

This champer goes down so good.

It comes up so bad.

I'm making mistakes!

Hey, man, you got something
on your shirt.

- Help me.

- Sorry, no one leaves

unless you're having a baby
or covered in... yeah.

You can go.

Not you.

My water just broke.

- Congratulations.
- The miracle of life.

- Carly, it's going to be okay.
- Yeah, an okay time to die.

- Actually, the death card
is deceptive.

It doesn't mean you die;
it signals a rebirth.

Has something been
holding you back

that you wish
to break free from?

- Yes.

Are you saying it's possible
to break the curse?

- That's exactly what he...

- Zagnat,
I was talking to Zagnat.

- Yes, but I'll need an object
that represents the curse.

- I could rustle up
a Tamagotchi.

- I have something else in mind.

It has pockets.

- Place it on the tray.
Now, repeat after me.

Mysterium Casu Interficere.

Mysterium Casu Inter...
- Mysterium Casu...

Vanilla latte.

My God.

- Too real!

- The gods of Fortuna
have broken your curse.

- That's it? I just had to burn
a stupid letter?

- I mean, if you want
to totally diminish my role

in all this, okay.

- I can't believe it.

This entire party has been
a series of death traps,

the handrail, the toothpicks,
a spontaneous fire,

and nothing has gone wrong.

I think I might
actually be cured.

In fact, I'm free.

I'm going to use the microwave.

- Albert, that was amazing.

- I see spirits and smell toast.

- You can drop the act;
she's gone.

Best 20 bucks of my life.

We both know there's no curse.

That's not great.

- What do you mean aneurysms
are the number one cause

of death for party performers?

Wow. Yes, in the corner.

Also, we're low on ice if you
want to grab some on the way...

hello?
Hello?

That is hilarious, Zagnat;
you kill me.

Hey, Carly.

- Hey. I just wanted to say

you're the best
big brother ever.

Zagnat, you really are amazing.

- He's in a trance.

- Time to open presents.

- Time to wrap you up.

Beezus, let this work.

- Thank you.

I just had to scrub myself
all the way down to my soul.

I'll get you a new loofah.
Merffin, you are a lifesaver.

- Alexavier,
allow me to explain.

Crap, dropped my phone.

It's under the fridge.

One second. Augh!

There's my driver's license.

Okay, I'm back.
You are my idol.

That is why every time
you come near me

I am speechless.

- Was that you speaking
on the phone?

Take my hands.
Take my hands.

Now, speak.
You can do it, Merffin.

- Ooh.
- You can do it.

Put one syllable
in front of the next.

Come on now, you can do it.

- Oooh...
- Tell me something amazing.

I made bubble dress.

Pop goes my mind.

- Here we go, Lloyd,
nice and fast.

Whoa!

- Brava, Carly. Everybody loves
a good party trick.

- Thank you. Great suit.
It's amazing.

- No, it's a Merffin.

- Thank God you guys are here.

Now, listen,
it's my sister's birthday,

and she cannot know
someone died.

So just give me a second.

Hey, everybody,
can I get your attention?

It's time for grown up piñata.

- What makes it grown up?

It's filled with
gift cards and lottery tickets.

- But I still get
to hit it, right?

- Yeah.
- Let's get you blindfolded.

All right, and swing away.

Hey, batter, batter,
batter, batter.

Whoa! Whoa!

- Okay, he's over there
under that inconspicuous pile

of bubble wrap.

Take your time; she's never
broken a piñata in her life.

- I broke the piñata!

- Move, move, move, move, move.

- Spence, this is so fun.
You came up with everything.

- Almost. Um, hey, you guys,

who wants to watch
Freddie crowd-surf?

- I do.
- Freddie. Freddie.

Freddie.
Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.

- I got you, bro.

- Woo!

- Sorry.
- I don't got you.

- I'm okay.
- Yeah!

- Ha-ha! Hey!

- Neck feels weird, though.

- Thanks for
the best birthday ever.

Hey, it's a piece of cake.

- The curse is broken.

Next year, I'm going to go to
that unlicensed amusement park.

- Hey, since Albert died,
can I have his little hat?

- Hello, future Millicent,
or should I say,

"Congresswoman?"
Happy 27th birthday.

I don't need to tell you
my goals as the next 20 years

are already planned out
in our bullet journal.

So I'd just like to thank you

for turning into
an amazing woman

despite all the odds
being against you.

- Have fun skydiving
from your hover car.

Love, Millicent.

Ooh.