Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[ FLATULENCE ]

[ THEME MUSIC ]

>> Tosh: HE ALSO GAVE HIS WIFE A

DUTCH OVEN THIS YEAR.

WELCOME TO THE SERIES FINALE OF

"TOSH.0."

JUST KIDDING.

JUST THE SEASON FINALE.

UNLESS I DIE OVER THE HOLIDAYS.

GOOD RIDDENS, I SAY.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TAKE A

LOOK BACK AT ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE

TOUCHED THIS YEAR.

WE FIND OUT IF MY MOST

FASCINATING ARE MORE FASCINATING

THAN THE BARBARA WALTERS MORE

FASCINA

FASCINATING PEOPLE AND OPEN YOUR

HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS CARDS.

NOW, I'M DREAMING OF A

WHITY-TIGHTY CHRISTMAS.

AT LEAST FART IN THEM WITH CARE.

I'M GUESSING TOO MUCH FRUITCAKE.

PERSONALLY I DRIVE TO THE GHETTO

AND GIVE MY FARTS TO THE LESS

FORTUNATE.

THE PEOPLE LIVING FART TO FART.

I BET HIS KIDS ACTUALLY HAD THAT

ON THEIR LIST.

>> ALL I GOT WAS A LUMP OF SOFT,

WARM COAL.

>> Tosh: MORE FUN THAN A BOOK OF

LIFE SAVERS.

A WHOLE ROLL OF BUTTER RUM.

HERE'S THE VIDEO FOR ALL YOU

NON-BELIEVERS THAT THINK

WRESTLING'S FAKE.

THE RULES IN BACKYARD WRESTLING

ARE VAGUE AT BEST.

>> Tosh: GUYS CAN YOU CUT THE

LAWN LATER.

I'M TRYING TO DO SURGERY.

YOU MAY WANT TO TAG IN A REAL

DOCTOR OR CARPENTER.

MAYBE THEY'LL FIND HARDWOOD

FLOORS UNDERNEATH.

ALREADY, TEXTING IS THE LEADING

CAUSE OF TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS EVEN

IN THE AMISH COMMUNITY.

WE'VE GOT A HIT AND GALLOP.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE ROMANTIC

THAN LOSING YOUR WIFE IN A HORSE

DRAWN CARRIAGE ACCIDENT?

OUT OF THE WAY.

VERY IMPORTANT HORSE MEETING TO

ATTEND.

HOW DOES THIS EVEN GET RECORDED?

YEAH.

AFTER A TRAUMATIC ORDEAL LIKE

THAT IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU CAN

LET YOUR BEARD DOWN AND RELAX AT

MY AMISH STRIP CLUB.

WHO IS READY TO FILL THEIR

HAND-STITCHED TROUSERS WITH

BONERS?

VERY WELL.

NOW SIT QUIETLY IN THOUGHTFUL

REFLECTION FOR THE PLAIN, HUMBLE

AND VERY STURDY, MIRIAM.

* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *

* HOW GREAT THOU ART *

>> I HAVE SPLINTERS ON MY SIN

HOLE.

>> LOOKS LIKE MALACHI FORGOT TO

SAND THE STRIPPER POLE YET

AGAIN.

IT ONLY COST TWOS PIES FOR A

DANCE IN THE BUTTER CHURN ROOM.

THE HEMS ARE NICE AND LONG.

WANT TO SEE MY FAVORITE SHOP ON

ONETSY.

>> I PICK IT UP AND I'M SPENDING

28 DAYS KNITTING FROM WOOL

INSERTED IN MY VAGINA.

>> Tosh: WE GET IT LADIES WITH

SHORT BANGS, YOU'RE QUIRKY AND

WEIRD.

THE SCARF SMELLS LIKE IT'S

SALMON.

>> Tosh: GRANDMA USED TO MAKE

SWEATERS THE SAME WAY.

IT SMELLS LIKE NA NA'S.

SHE'S LEGENDARY FOR HER HEAVY

FLOW.

NOW THE NEXT LADY HAS ONE UGLY

KID.

SHE THINKS THAT'S THE BABY SHE

LOST THREE YEARS AGO.

BUT HE CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF

THE SUIT AND RIP HER FACE OFF.

AWW.

NOW PUT HIM BACK IN THE CAGE AND

STICK MORE NEEDLES IN HIS BRAIN.

OFF TO MONKEY SNOWBOARD LESSONS.

BE BACK AT 2:00.

WHAT'S NOT SO CUTE IS THE

DEFORESTATION OF HIS NATURAL

HABITAT.

NEXT.

>> BRO, YOU STOLE MY BONG.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU SURE HE STOLE

IT IN MAYBE YOU PUT IT BEHIND

THE PLANT WHEN YOU WERE HIGH AND

FORGOT ABOUT IT.

NOW LET'S WATCH TWO LITTLE

POKERS' BEEF IN THE BREAKDOW

IT'S TIME FOR THE ATTACK IN THE

CUL-DE-SAC.

IT'S EASY TO FEEL COMFORTABLE

THROWING THE N WORD AROUND WHEN

YOU BAN BLACK PEOPLE FROM YOUR

GATED COMMUNITY.

>> I CAN'T BREATHE.

>> Tosh: BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN

SMOKING FROM HIS BONG.

THAT'S PRACTICALLY A CONFESSION.

LET'S AGREE YOUR BOTH PUSSIES.

YOU GOT THAT SISTERS?

MAYBE THEY CAN SETTLE THIS FOR

YOU.

NOW ON HIS SKULL ALL YOU WANT,

NOBODY'S HOME.

GOT TO SAY, I DON'T MIND A BRICK

DRIVEWAY.

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE

HUNGER GAMES.

CUTE WORD NECKLACE.

IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL LOOK LIKE

IN FIVE YEARS WHEN IT'S COVERED

WITH ANOTHER LAYER OF NECK FAT.

>> YOU GRABBED MY TITTIES.

>> Tosh: WHO CAN RESIST THING

BLOSSOMING BOY BOOBIES.

IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING IN

THEY'RE FIGHTING NOT HAVING

INTERCOURSE AS YOUR POSITIONING

AND HEAVY BREATHING WOULD HAVE

YOU BELIEVE.

OKAY, THAT'S REDUNDANT.

EVERY GINGER'S UGLY AS [BLEEP].

BUT IF YOU MANAGE TO DEFEAT ONE

HE HAS TO GIVE YOU ALL HIS GOLD.

THAT'S THE GINGER CODE.

>> I CAN'T BREATHE.

SAY GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: PRETTY COCKY FROM A GUY

COMING FROM A GUY THAT WAS

GETTING [BLEEP] [BLEEP] A MINUTE

AGO.

I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE

THE THIRD GRADE, [BLEEP].

>> DO YOU WANT THIS ON YOUR

FACE?

>> HOW'S THAT?

>> Tosh: GO AHEAD AND SPIT.

I'M SURE YOU'LL MISS.

ARE YOU HAPPY ALEC BALDWIN?

NOW THEY'RE ALL TALKING LIKE YOU

AND FOR THAT WE DON'T THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

MORE PROOF THE BEST WAY TO

SPREAD HOLIDAY CHEER IS BY

TOOTING LOUDLY FOR ALL TO HEAR.

[ FLATULENCE ]

>> Tosh: IT SOUNDS LIKE AN

EMOTIONAL BROKEN PERSON WHO --

COOSA.

SO MANY WORDS.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

LET ME -- MY MOUTH FROZE ON IT.

I WATCH MILLION DOLLAR LISTINGS

TO KNOW.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] BUT WATER.

THAT'S ON US AND BY THAT I MEAN

ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE

THAT AREN'T ME.

FLAWLESS AGAIN, BE DANIEL.

I MAY START LEAVING THOSE IN.

WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT 2013 THAT

HASN'T ALREADY BEEN RETWEETED A

THOUSAND TIMES?

THE FIRST YEAR OF MY SECOND TERM

AS YOUR HOST HAS BEEN A DOOZY

NEP WHITE HOUSE IS

THE WHITE HOUSE IS SPYING ON

EVERYONE SO IF YOU REALLY VALUE

YOUR PRIVACY, MOF TO CLEVELAND

WHERE YOU CAN KEEP A BUNCH OF

WOMEN LOCKED IN YOUR BASEMENT

FOR OVER A DECADE AND NO ONE

WILL NOTICE.

OBAMA COULDN'T KEEP WIZ WEBSITE

OR THE GOVERNMENT FROM SHUTTING

DOWN.

THERE WAS A SHARKNADO IN THE

PHILIPPINES AND FOR THE FIRST

TIME IN HISTORY OF THE WORLD SIX

WOMEN AGREED ON THE SAME THING

AND IT'S NOW LEGAL TO KILL BLACK

TEENS IN FLORIDA.

WE HAVE OUR FIRST GAY POPE,

PAULA DEAN FINALLY CAME OUT OF

THE RACIST CLOSET AND SNL FOUGHT

HARD TO KEEP BLACK WOMEN OFF TV.

BEIBER RAN OVER THE PAPARAZZI

AND POUNDED EVERY PROSTITUTE IN

SOUTH AMERICA.

BRUCE JENNER BROKE UP WITH KRIS

AFTER FINALLY MORPHING INTO HER

AND THE ONLY TWO CAST MEMBERS

WHO AREN'T DEAD OR JOBLESS FROM

THE 70s SHOW STARTED BANGING.

ANGELINA JOLIE LOST HER FUN

BAGS, MILEY CYRUS BECAME THE

FIRST SHORT-HAIRED WOMAN YOU CAN

MASTURBATE TO AND EATING

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES GIVES YOU

THROW CANCER.

THE SOPRANOS ALL ENDED THE WAY

WE WANTED TO AND FIN OD'D ON HER

HEROIN AND AARON HERNANDEZ

KILLED PEOPLE AND FSU'S DEFENSE

WAS GREAT AND DEREK ROSE WON THE

MOST VAL USUAL PATIENT AND

ALABAMA'S SPECIAL TEAMS UNIT IS

MADE OF SPECIAL ED STUDENTS

I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON PIES IN

HELL, SABAN.

ALL IN ALL 2013 WILL BE

REMEMBERED AS AN AVERAGE YEAR

UNLESS YOU LIVE IN BOSTON THOUGH

I'M PROUD TO SAY "TOSH.0"

DELIVERED 900 MINUTES OF QUALITY

TELEVISION SO DON'T COMPLAIN

WITH THE CLIPS YOU'VE ALREADY

SEEN IN THE WEB REFLECTION.

>> JUST A LITTLE ON MY TACO,

PLEASE.

>> HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOS.

>> ALL RIGHT YOU JERK IT'S TIME

FOR YOUR MANDATORY WEEKLY AIDS

TEST.

YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

>> YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?

GET YOUR DRINK ON, GET YOUR

SMOKE ON, GO HOME WITH SOMETHING

TO POKE ON, I'M OUT, [BLEEP].

DO YOU STILL HAVE THE UNDERWEAR

YOU WORE IN THE REDEMPTION?

>> NO.

>> NO ONE CALLED ME AN APPLE

PICKER.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

WE SAID THE N WORD BUT IT SEEMED

ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

GET YOURSELF A GOOD OLD GANNER?

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN

FIVE YEARS.

>> WHOA, FUTURE TRIPPING, MAN, I

DON'T DOUGH THAT.

>> LET IT GO.

LET IT GO.

>> TOO FAR, DANIEL, TOO FAR.

>> WAIT.

WE NEED TO SAY GRACE FIRST.

>> WHERE'S MY PAYCHECK.

>> YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU A

LONG STORY.

>> THEY SURVIVE THE TEST OF TIME

BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD TOY.

>> NO ONE SAID YOU WERE GAY.

I CAN TELL.

I'M NO TYLER PERRY.

>> NOBODY WATCHING THIS DOESN'T

THINK YOU'RE A TOTAL WEIRDO.

>> HICKRY, DICKORY DOCK MY

CLIENT HAS THE RIGHT TO CALL THE

JUDGE --

>> THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A SMILE

ON YOUR FACE.

>> VERY IMPRESSIVE.

>> Tosh: MISS YOU THE MOST,

BUDDY.

>> HEY.

>> THAT'S FOR ME.

I'M SQUIRTING.

>> THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> USED TO BE IN CIRQUE DU

SOLEIL.

>> Tosh: YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NO TOUCHING.

YOUR SEX LIFE STILL ACTIVE?

>> HELL NO.

MY OPERATOR BURNED OUT.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE

COSTUMES.

RIGHT HAND, RED.

ARE YOU IN A HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIP NOW?

>> WITH MY OWN BODY.

>> GOOD.

>> YOU DON'T COME HOME HE'LL GET

HIS DIGITS.

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A SEX

SYMBOL?

>> I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.

>> Tosh: WHO'S HERE TO HELP YOU?

>> YOU.

>> YOU AIN'T EVER GOING TO CATCH

ME LIVE.

>> FORGOT TO LOCK THE WHEELS.

>> Tosh: BOTTOM'S UP.

>> THAT'S THE LEAST OF MY BRAIN

ANY MAN'S EVER GOTTEN.

>> Tosh: HEY, BUDDY.

TAKE CHANCES, MAKE MISTAKES.

GET MESSY.

>> [BLEEP].

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: OH, GOD BLESS OUR NEW

FOUNDING FATHERS.

>> THAT'S NOT A BOOMERANG.

THIS IS A BOOMERANG.

>> Tosh: I'M A DATE.

ARE WE DONE THERE?

LETS SEE HOW MUCH RANGE YOU GOT.

OKAY.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: YOUR RECEIPT.

I'LL PUT IT IN THE BAG.

>> IT'S NOT IN PLANE MODE.

[ YELLING ]

[**]

[ TECHNO MUSIC ]

>> LOOK AT THIS ASHY MOTHER

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: I'M SURE IT'S COMING.

WE'RE LIKE TWO OLD BATS HERE.

>> KEEP ON PRANCING.

>> GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MY

HOUSE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IF YOU WANT TO SEE AN

EXTENDED CUT OF THE MONTAGE

WATCH SEASON FIVE.

WE'LL RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST IT'S

TIME FOR SOME STREET JUSTICE.

STREET JUSTICE

>> YOU WERE MASTURBATING IN THE

WOMENS A REST WOMAN.

I'M BETH DAVIS AND A WITNESSED

IT.

YOU WERE NAKED WITH YOUR PANTS

DOWN AROUND YOUR ANKLES.

SOMEONE STOP HIM.

DO NOT LET HIM GO OUT THAT DOOR.

STOP THIS MAN.

>> Tosh: BARBARA WALTERS' DYING

WISH WAS FOR ME TO BE HER

SUCCESSOR AND WANT TO SHARE MY

PICKS FOR THE INTERNET'S MOST

FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2013.

FIRST, HE'S UPLOADED 102 VIDEOS

AND HIS CHANNEL HAS OVER 19,000

SUBSCRIBERS YET ONE FLASH CAN

KILL HIM.

SAY HELLO TO FAIRY BOY.

>> OH.

WELL, HELLO THERE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE

PAPARAZZI.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THEY'RE VERY INTERESTED IN

THE FAIRY WORLD.

AND ONCE IN A WHILE THEY'LL

ENTER THIS REALM AND THE WANT TO

TAKE PICTURES.

WE DON'T LIKE THAT.

WE DON'T ALLOW PICTURES.

ONE FLASH CAN KILL US.

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE NO, NOT ALL

FAIRIES HAVE WINGS.

THAT'S A BIG BIG STEREOTYPE.

>> FASCINATING.

>> Tosh: THAT'S ONE FAIRY I

WOULDN'T MIND KEEPING IN A JAR

IN MY ROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS I FIND

EXTREMELY FASCINATING ABOUT MY

NEXT PICK.

>> I DON'T SEE WHY 14 CAN'T BE

THE AGE OF CONSENT.

LIKE IF YOU'RE 14 YOU'RE TALKING

LIKE AN 18, 19, 20-YEAR-OLD GUY

AND YOU WANT HIS DICK AND YOU

HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND THEN YOU

DECIDE OH, I FEEL LIKE

REGRETTING THIS LATER.

GUESS WHAT, HE'S GOING TO GO TO

JAIL FOR BEING A SEX OFFENDER.

[BLEEP] THE AGE OF CONSENT.

14 IS A GOOD AGE BECAUSE YOU'RE

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

ONCE YOU'RE 14 YOU PROBABLY

ALREADY HAD YOUR PERIOD WHICH IS

A SIGN OF BEING SEXUALLY READY.

YOU DEVELOP AROUND 12, 13, 14

YEARS OLD.

14 PROBABLY BEING THE LATEST.

I DEVELOPED WHENS I WAS 12.

I'VE HAD THESE BOOBS SINCE I WAS

12 YEARS OLD.

>> FASCINATING.

>> Tosh: NOT EXACTLY HOW I

PICTURED THE SPOKESPERSON FOR

PEDOPHILIA.

IT TAKES A TRUE HERO TO SAY WHAT

EVERY DUDE OVER 18 IS CONSTANTLY

THINKING.

AND FINALLY A BLACK GUY IN A CAR

MAY NOT SEEM THAT FASCINATING

BUT ONCE YOU HEAR HIS STORY

YOU'LL SEE WHY HE DESERVES TO BE

THE MOST FASCINATING PERSON OF

THE INTERNET OF 2013.

>> I'M AT THE AURORA PUBLIC

LIBRARY AND IT SUCKS IS IN

THERE.

THEIR WI-FI SUCKS [BLEEP].

YOU KNOW, THE CONNECTION WAS

TERRIBLY SLOW.

WHAT ELSE?

OH, I GOT SOME HEAD IN THE SEARS

AT THE MALL IN THE BATHROOM.

PRETTY SECLUDED PLACE UP THERE.

I'LL BE DOING THAT AGAIN.

IT WAS SPUR OF THE MOMENT.

PRETTY HOT GUY.

BIG PENIS.

SO, YOU KNOW, HE JUST WANTED TO

SEE ME CUM.

I DID.

IT'S NICE GETTING HEAD.

I NEEDED THAT.

I'M A BIT RELAXED NOW.

GOT A SORE THROAT BUT THAT'S

FROM EARLIER.

MAYBE TOMORROW BUT YEP.

THAT'S IT.

IT'S BEEN WARM TODAY.

>> FASCINATING.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE

PLUG, SEARS.

BARB IS HERE CONGRATULATIONS ON

BEING THE MOST FASCINATING

PERSON OF 2013.

HOW'S IT FEEL?

>> GREAT, THANKS.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO

SEARS?

>> YES, I HAVE.

>> FASCINATING.

>> Tosh: NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE

VIEWER VINE OF THE WEEK.

>> HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THE PIE,

BOYS.

>> GREAT.

>> I PUT MY [BLEEP] IN IT.

>> Tosh: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT

FIRST IF I EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH A HAIRY ANIMAL I'LL HOOK UP

WAY JUNIOR AT THE UNIVERSITY OF

VERMONT.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

COMEDY CENTRAL'S FAX NUMBER IS

242-4256-0878.

HAVE FUN.

THE SEASON OF SUBTLE DIFFERENCES

IS IS ALMOST SET AND IF YOU

HAVEN'T GUESSED YET YOU HAVE

THREE SECONDS TO REVEAL YOUR

GUESSES BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO

REVEAL THE KEY.

>> Tosh: IF YOU GUESSED ALL 14

CORRECTLY TWEET ME YOUR FULL

LEGAL NAME TO FILE A RESTRAINING

ORDER.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO MONITOR

MY FLUCTUATING LEVELS OF HOLIDAY

CHEER AND KEEP UP WITH OUR LOG

BECAUSE I PROGRAMMED A TEAM OF

BOTS OVER THE BREAK AND I'LL BE

PERFORMING IN ALASKA MARCH 8 AND

TICKETS GO ON SALE THIS MONDAY

10:00 A.M.

AND FINALLY I SHOWED YOU A

CHRISTMAS CARD FROM ONE OF MY

WRITERS AND DEMANDED YOU GUYS

SEND ME FUNNIER ONES.

HERE'S YOUR WINNER.

TO THE BOYS OF 1221.

I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS WHAT'S

HOLDING YOU TOGETHER AND HOW IT

WILL IS THE GUY ON THE BOTTOM

BECAUSE THAT'S A FULL GROWN MAN

ON TOP?

OKAY, I STARE AT THE NORTH STAR

EVERY NIGHT SO IF YOU DO TOO IT

WILL BE LIKE WE'RE STILL

TOGETHER.

SEE YOU NEXT SEASON.

>> Tosh: SHE CREATED A NEW

EXERCISE REGIMENT.

HERE WE GO.

WHO'S EXCITED NOW, I AM BUILDING

MYSELF IS UP.

THIS IS THE PROCESS, GUYS.