Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> WITH YOUR HAND.

[LAUGHTER]

[ THEME MUSIC ]

>> Tosh: HE MIGHT BE PART

OSTRICH.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR.

THE

POST-THANKSGIVING/PRE-CHRISTMAS

HOLIDAY TAINT.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TALK ABOUT

THIS GIRL AND INTRODUCE A GAME

CHANGER AND SHOW YOU THE ONLY

CHRISTMAS CARD WORTH KEEPING ON

YOUR MANTLE.

NOT THAT ONE.

ALL RIGHT, THE MOST IMPRESSIVE

PART OF THE VIDEO IS ASKING THE

WOMAN TO SHUT UP WORKED.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: BIG DEAL.

IKEA MAKES THEIR FURNITURE OUT

OF GRAHAM CRACKERS, TOUGH GUY.

NOW IT'S A MASSAGE TABLE.

SOMEONE WORK THE SHOULDERS.

CAREFULLY PLACED COFFEE TABLE

BOOK AND IT'S LIKE IT NEVER

HAPPENED.

HE REMINDS ME OF MY BUDDY WITH A

COKE PROBLEM AND DEPTH

PERCEPTION PROBLEM.

CHRIS FARLEY DID IT BETTER.

I MEAN SMASHING THROUGH A COFFEE

TABLE NOT DYING FROM TONS AND

TONS OF DRUGS.

MOVING ON, IT'S TIME TO TAME THE

MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI.

I AM GETTING GOOD AND TIRED OF

THOSE DUCK DYNASTY GUYS

FLAUNTING THEIR WEALTH.

NOT VERY CHRISTIAN IF YOU ASK

ME.

WHERE WAS THIS INGENUITY WHEN

YOU WERE GETTING WHIPPED IN THE

CIVIL WAR.

YANKEES.

NO WAKE ZONE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING

ABOUT JUMPS.

I'M SURE IT WON'T DISTURB THE

ECOSYSTEM IN THE BAYOU WHERE

EVERYTHING LIVES IN MUD EVEN

BRETT FAVRE'S GRANDMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE BEST

FEMALE BEAT BOX IN THE WORLD SAY

YA.

YA.

[ BEAT BOXING ]

>> Tosh: YOU BIRLZ KNOW WHAT WE

LIKE.

IT'S LIKE YOUR IN OUR HEAD.

PUT A SPOON IN HER MOUTH.

SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

KEEP GOING.

IT'S ONLY FIVE MORE MINUTES.

YOU'LL WIN THE CROWD OVER.

IS SHE TRYING TO LOG ON TO THE

INTERNET IN 1995?

OKAY, BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

HOLIDAY SHOPLIFTERS.

STEALING FROM THE 20% OFF RACK?

YOU CAN'T RISK HARD TIME FOR

LAST SEASON'S LOOKS.

ZIMMERMAN.

IT'S AMAZING WHO DECIDES TO TAKE

THEIR JOB SERIOUSLY.

AND NOW THANKS TO THE LAWSUIT HE

OWNS THE STORE.

HE'S ALSO GOING TO BE HIT WITH A

RESTOCKING FEE.

ACTUALLY HE MAY HAVE BEEN

PLAYING THE KNOCK-OUT GAME.

LET ME TALK TO YOU URBAN YOUTH,

GOING UP TO STRANGER AND COLD

COCKING THEM IS NOT A GAME IT'S

A CRIME AND YOU'LL BURN IN HELL.

SORRY YOU HAD BAD PARENTS OR

PARENT INSTEAD TRY THE

LIGHTHEARTED VERSION I INVENTED.

>> THIRD AND 18.

>> Tosh: THAT'S ON HIM.

YOU CAN'T STARE DOWN YOUR

RECEIVER.

HAVE YOU TO LOOK OFF THE

SAFETIES.

FEEL THE PRESSURE AND THE IN

TERNAL CLOCK, TWO AND A HALF

SECONDS MAX AND GET RID OF THE

BALL.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE BEST WAY

TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

FRESH.

YEAH, I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

I GET CLAUSTERPHOBIC IF I EVEN

HOLD A GIRL'S HAND.

NOW PSYCHOPATH CAN FIT FIVE

TIMES AS MANY VICTIMS IN THEIR

MEAT LOCKER.

ARE YOU GUYS SMILING?

JUST PUT ON MATCHING SHIRTS AND

POSE IN SAND LIKE NORMAL LOVE

BIRDS.

THAT'S WHAT CAN BALLS DO WITH

THEIR LEFTOVERS.

I HAVE TO PRESERVE MY STAFF AT

THE END OF EVERY SEASON BUT I

JUST PICKLE THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU GUYS NEXT SEASON.

SEE ALL THE PEPPER CORNERS?

THAT'S THE TOSH FAMILY BRINE.

I CAN TELL YOU WHAT IS IN IT BUT

I'D HAVE TO PICKLE YOU.

HERE'S WHAT'S NEXT.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE TORONTO

FOUND THEMSELVES A NEW MAYOR.

NOW LET'S WATCH THE DELETED

SCENE FROM BEST MAN HOLIDAY IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

MY BOY LAMAR ODOM TRIPPING AND

STRIPPING.

THAT'S HOW WE DO.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A TERRIBLE

NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN A NAKED CRACK

HEAD CAN RUN AROUND AND NO ONE

SO MUCH AS BATS AN EYE.

PRETTY DECENT RICHARD PRYOR

IMPRESSION.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH

YOU, MAN

>> Tosh: YOU MAY WANT A SECOND

OPINION.

I DIDN'T GO TOED ME SCHOOL BUT I

SPOT THINGS VERY WRONG WITH YOU.

HERE'S WHAT I KNOW ABOUT

GONORRHEA.

IT'S HARD TO SPELL.

G-O A COUPLE N'S, R-R AND THEN

AN H FOR NO GODDAMN REASON.

HIS PENIS IS ON FIRE.

THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO LUBE UP

WITH TAPATIO.

QUICK, SOMEONE BLOW IT OUT ON

THE DL OF COURSE.

MAYBE THIS IS HOW HE CAROLS.

MR. DICK HURTS HERE.

DICK HURTS.

RUN TO THE NEAREST OPEN FIRE

HYDRANT.

THAT HAS TO BE ONE LESS THAN A

BLOCK AWAY.

I'M GLASS YEAR CLOSE DOR KNOWING

WHAT A BEST MAN HOLIDAY IS AND

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

FIRST, I THINK YOU'RE IN VIDEO

MODE.

.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS TAKE SOG

>> HI, GUYS.

TODAY I'M GOING TO BE SHOWING

YOU HOW TO CHANGE YOUR BAG.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S DOING BETTER SO TAKE THE

BAG, FOLD IT OVER, THROW IT

AWAY.

AND WRAP IT AROUND SO THE CLEAN

SKIN DOESN'T GET STOOL ON IT.

I CALL IT MY VOLCANOE.

IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO STAY

CALM.

MY VOLCANOE WAS A LITTLE

DEFECTIVE NOW.

NOW YOU TAKE YOUR VOLCANOE UP

AND IT DOESN'T LEAK.

>> Tosh: FINALLY A CHICK THAT

ADMITS SHE POOPS.

I HOPE SHE DOUBLE-BAGGED THE

MORNING AFTER THANKSGIVING.

THAT CUTIE PATOOTIE WITHOUT A

COLON IN HER BOOTIE IS LAURA AND

HAS VIDEOS TO SHOW PEOPLE WHAT

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH AN OSTEMY

BAG.

IF IT'S AN ART I'M JACKSON

POLLACK.

I AM IN CONSTANT DANGER OF

MAKING A MEXICAN MILK SHAKE IN

MY PANTS SO HAVING A BAG WOULD

BE GREAT.

I'D RATHER BM IN A BAG THAN A

GAS STATION BATHROOM BECAUSE

THEY'RE FOR PEEING AND MAN ON

MAN BLOW JOBS.

THEY COME IN SHAPES AND SIZES

LIKE THE KARDASHIANS.

GIVING BIRTH TO A BROWN BUTT

BABY IS AS CLOSE AS A MAN GETS

TO EXPERIENCING THE MIRACLE OF

LIFE.

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU SLIPPED

DOWN THE TOILET HOLE BEFORE YOU

CAN ADMIRE IT.

WIPING IS THE ONLY DOWNSIDE.

YOU WANT SOMETHINGEN FROM SCOTTS

AND CHARMIN.

WHAT KIND OF MAD SCIENTIST BUILD

AS A CHOCOLATE FACTORY IN THE

DEEPEST CREVASSE?

INTELLIGENT DESIGN MY BUTT.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS.

SO I FLEW HER TO HOLLYWOOD AND

PICKED HER SQUEAKY CLEAN BUTT UP

FOR THE CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

[ DOOR BELL ]

>> VERY MATURE.

TECHNICALLY THAT'S A HATE CRIME

FOR SOMEONE WITH MY CONDITION.

>> Tosh: LAURA, SORRY I'M LATE.

IS THAT YOUR BAG OF [BLEEP].

THESE PLACE SMELLS AMAZING.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I'M GUESSING IT'S THE

CLEANEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE?

TELL ME WHAT IT IS?

>> IT'S WHERE THEY TAKE A PART

OF YOUR SMALL INTESTINE THE

ILEUM AND POKE IT OUTSIDE OF

YOUR BODY AND YOU POOP OUT OF

THAT.

>> Tosh: WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

>> DECEMBER OF 2011.

>> Tosh: WHY?

>> I HAVE AN AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE

AND MY OWN SYSTEM ATTACK HIS

COLON.

>> Tosh: HOW DID YOU KNOW WHEN

THINGS WERE WRONG?

>> I WAS POOPING ABOUT 27 TIMES

A DAY AND LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT,

BLEED, GIRL STUFF.

>> Tosh: MY MOM USED TO SAY IF

YOUR POOP HAS BLACK OR BLOOD

DON'T FLUSH IT LET ME LOOK.

MY MOM'S A NURSE.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT

FIRST NOT SHA THA SHE HAS A

FETISH.

WHY MAKE VIDEOS?

>> THREES A STIGMA SO I WANTED

TO SHOW PEOPLE YOU CAN BE YOUNG

AND HAVE IT AND LIVE A NORMAL

LIFE AND BE A SEMINORMAL PERSON.

>> Tosh: HOW MUCH OF YOUR DAY IS

DEVOTED TO MAINTENANCE?

>> I CAN'T CONTROL WHEN I'M

POOPING SO I COULD BE POOPING

RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW.

>> YOU DON'T FEEL IT WHEN IT

COMES OUT?

>> NO.

I HAVE NO FEELING WHEN IT COMES

OUT.

ONLY TIME I KNOW IS IF IT MAKES

A SOUND?

>> Tosh: LIKE A SPLASH?

>> LIKE A REGULAR PERSON FARTS,

WE STILL FART.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU USED A URINE

NAL?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU GET SKID MARKS

ON YOUR BLOUSE?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO

HUG YOU WHEN THEY KNOW DO THEY

DO THE BUTT OUT.

>> I DID UNTIL I SAT THEM DOWN

AND WAS LIKE I'M NOT FRAGILE YOU

CAN PICK ME UP AND THROW ME

AROUND AND I'LL BE FINE.

>> Tosh: SO THEY PRESS UP

AGAINST YOU NOW.

>> IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

>> Tosh: ONE OF YOUR VIDEOS YOU

WERE CLEANING THE AREA AND SAID

YOU DEVELOPED A YEAST

ININFECTION AROUND IT.

IS THAT COMMON?

>> VERY COMMON.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD TWO

YEAST INFECTIONS AT THE SAME

TIME?

>> I HAVE NOT.

>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

GO THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY?

>> ONLY STOPPED ONCE AND I GET

NERVOUS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S A SIGN OF A

TERRORIST.

>> THEN THEY'RE LIKE WHAT IS

THAT.

>> Tosh: DO THEY EVER MAKE YOU

EMPTY IT BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY

HAVE THREE OUNCES.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: ANY MORE PHYSICAL

ACTIVITIES YOU CAN'T DO?

>> I CAN'T DO ABS.

>> Tosh: I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST

BEING LAZY AT THIS POINT.

>> NOT LAZY.

>> Tosh: CARDIO?

>> LIKE A FIVE-MAIL RACE WITH

OBSTACLES.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE.

YOU LIKE GETTING MUDDY.

>> LOVE GETTING MUDDY.

YOU FINISHED THE RACE AND YOU'RE

COVERED AND THEY'RE LIKE THERE

WASN'T MUD ON THE TRACK.

DOES YOUR STOMA HAVE A NAME?

>> MINE IS TRIXIE?

>> Tosh: YOU WANT TO BE A

STRIPPER.

IF YOU COULD PICK ANOTHER HOLE

LIKE MY NOSE.

>> Tosh: I WOULD TAKE MY

URETHRA.

THE SENSORS CAN'T TELL ME I

CAN'T DO IT.

CAN I TOUCH IT NOW?

>> YES.

>> I CAN'T FEEL IT.

>> Tosh: CLOSE YOUR EYES.

>> I CAN'T FEEL.

>> Tosh: IT'S LIKE JELLY.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT'S

GOING ON ON THE OUTSIDE BUT TO

UNDERSTAND THE INSIDE I HAVE TO

GET IN THERE.

I'M GOING TO GET IN THE MAGIC

SCHOOL BUS AND DRIVE DOWN YOUR

PIE HOLE.

WISH ME LUCK.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

SEAT BELTS ANYONE.

>> PLEASE LET IT BE A NORMAL

FIELD TRIP.

>> Tosh: WE'VE NEVER BEEN ON A

NORMAL FIELD TRIP NOW STOP YOUR

[BLEEP]ING WHINING.

HERE WE GO DOWN THE THROAT.

SALIVA CONTAINS AN ENZYME.

IT SPENDS FOUR HOURS IN THE

SMALL INTESTINES AND A LIFETIME

ON THE HIPS, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

IT HOLDS TWO THREE LITERS OF

POOP.

THE AVERAGE POOP OF AN ADULT

MALE IS 1.3 POUNDS.

YEAH, CHECK YOUR DAD.

>> GROSS.

>> Tosh: IN THE PREHISTORIC ERA

MAN HAS SMALL AND LARGE AND

GIGANTIC INTESTINES.

>> THAT TICKLES, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: ANYBODY WANT SOME CORN?

>> OOH.

>> Tosh: SCHOOL BUSS ARE YELLOW

BECAUSE THAT'S THE EASIEST COLOR

TO SEE IN THE MORNING AND EARLY

EVENING.

BY THE TIME YOUR BODY WILL

PRODUCE ENOUGH POOP TO FILL

BRYANT DENNY STADIUM WHICH WOULD

BE AN IMPROVEMENT.

NOTHING?

BAMA FANS?

GET OFF THE BUS.

IF YOU WIPE MORE THAN FOUR TIMES

PER POOP YOU'RE RISK FOR ANAL

CANCER GOES UP 25%.

30 IN MINORITIES.

NORMALLY WE HEAD STRAIGHT FOR

HER B-HOLE BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE

HERSHEY HIGHWAY IS CLOSED.

VERY TO GET OFF THE DETOUR.

THIS IS BUMPER TO BUMPER.

TRAFFIC'S BACKED UP TO THE

STOMA.

WE'VE BEEN HIT.

I BET THEY DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.

WE'RE STUCK.

A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE.

>> IT SMELLS.

>> Tosh: DO YOU WANT A DIET?

GET YOUR [BLEEP] TOGETHER.

I CANNOT SEE A THING.

TAKE CHANCES, MAKE MISTAKES.

DON'T PANIC EVERYONE WE'RE

LEAVING LAURA.

WHO WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT THE

FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM?

OKAY.

LUBE US UP AND GIVE US A PUSH.

I DON'T THINK WE LEARNED

ANYTHING.

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE I'M SELLING

A SLIGHTLY USED MAGIC SCHOOL BUS

AS IS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST I

LOVE DUMPS.

SO MUCH THAT I CREATED A NEW WEB

SERIES WHERE CELEBRITIES TALK

ABOUT POOPING THEIR DRAWS.

IT'S CALLED SELF DEFECATING

HUMOR AND FOR THE PILOT EPISODE

I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A WHIFF

OF MY OWN AUTOBOWELOGRAPHY.

WASH IT ON OUR BLOG BUT HERE'S A

SNEAK PEEK.

THIS IS A STORY FIVE OF FIVE OF

ME CRAPPING MYSELF AS IN AN

>> THERE DO YOU.

WOW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: TEXAS A&M HAS REALLY

SCALED BACK THEIR BON FIRES.

BLAMING JENGA.

THAT WAS MY OLD COLLEGE

NICKNAME.

HERE COMES FLAMING JENGA.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BOYS WOULD

HELL IN THE SHOWER.

ALL FLAMING JENGA'S HERE.

PARTY GAMES ARE FUN ABOUT THE

THE STAKES ARE ALWAYS SO LOW SO

I TOOK OLD PLASTIC AND MADE THEM

DISGUSTING AND-OR DANGEROUS.

COME ON.

>> MARCO.

>> POLO.

>> MARCO.

>> POLO.

[**]

>> Tosh: I NEED YOU TO DO LEFT

HAND BLUE.

READY?

RIGHT HAND, GREEN.

RIGHT HAND, RED.

COME ON, GUYS.

HOLD YOUR POSITION.

HEY, LADIES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S LESS DANGEROUS

THAN THE REGULAR SPIN THE

BOTTLE.

EVERYBODY'S GOT THE HERP THESE

DAYS.

NOT ME THOUGH.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE VIEWER

VINE OF THE WEEK.

>> DO YOU THINK THEY'LL ACTUALLY

HAVE STAPLES.

>> NO WAY.

>> YES.

>> WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS

MEANS.

>> COME ON, WHOO!

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I SHOP AT

DILLARD'S BECAUSE A MAN CAN

NEVER HAVE TOO MANY DILLARD'S.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST IF

I WAS A BLACK DUDE, I'D NAME MY

SCHLONG THE MINORITY WHIP.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY PRAYER

REQUESTS?

THAT'S ENTIRELY TOO MANY.

EVERYBODY PRAY TO THEMSELVES.

NEXT WEEK'S OUR SEASON FINALE,

HIP-HIP HOO RAY AND THE LAST

TIME TO SEE MY FACE UNTIL NEXT

WE'RE SO WHATEVER.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER OR

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA AND GO IT OUR

BLOG ON YOUR COMPUTER.

THERE'S NO PHYSICAL LOCATION.

AND FINALLY I'LL BE HONEST, IF

YOU PLAN ON SENDING ME A

CHRISTMAS CARD YOU CAN ADDRESS

TO MY GARBAGE CAN BECAUSE I

WON'T LOOK AT IT.

IF YOU KNEW WHAT I DID IN MY

LIVING ROOM LAST THING YOU'D

WANT IS YOUR FAMILY WATCHING ME.

I DID RECEIVE A FUNNY CHRISTMAS

CARD AND I HESITATE TO SHOW BUT

WE HAVE A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

AND HE AND I UNDERSTAND EACH

OTHER'S UNIQUE SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHO AM I KIDDING.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE IT.

WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON RENTS A

KID'S CASKET FOR A PHOTO SHOOT.

FIRST, HOW DO YOU EVEN RENT A

CASKET.

IT WOULD SEEM IS A BUSINESS

THAT'S PURCHASE ONLY?

DOES HE OWN IT NOW?

I GUESS THE KID WAS ON THE EXTRA

NAUGHTY LIST.

HEY, AND SINCE YOU GUYS ARE THE

MOST EFFED UP PEOPLE I KNOW I'D

LIKE TO SEE IF YOU CAN SEND ME

FUNNIER CHRISTMAS CARDS AND I'LL

PUT SOME ON THE SEASON FINALE

AND EVEN HANUKKAH CARDS.

EVERTHING YOU HEARD IS A LIE.

TRUST NO ONE.

YOUR FATHER'S AN ALIEN.

>> Tosh: IF I STARTED POLLING ON

IT COULD I START PULLING YOUR

INTESTINES OUT?

>> I HAVE NO IDEA.

THAT'S TERRIFYING.

>> Tosh: NOBODY'S EVER GIVEN A

LITTLE TUG.