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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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>> WITH YOUR HAND.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[ THEME MUSIC ]
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>> Tosh: HE MIGHT BE PART
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OSTRICH.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR.
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THE
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POST-THANKSGIVING/PRE-CHRISTMAS
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HOLIDAY TAINT.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TALK ABOUT
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THIS GIRL AND INTRODUCE A GAME
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CHANGER AND SHOW YOU THE ONLY
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CHRISTMAS CARD WORTH KEEPING ON
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YOUR MANTLE.
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NOT THAT ONE.
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ALL RIGHT, THE MOST IMPRESSIVE
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PART OF THE VIDEO IS ASKING THE
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WOMAN TO SHUT UP WORKED.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: BIG DEAL.
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IKEA MAKES THEIR FURNITURE OUT
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OF GRAHAM CRACKERS, TOUGH GUY.
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NOW IT'S A MASSAGE TABLE.
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SOMEONE WORK THE SHOULDERS.
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CAREFULLY PLACED COFFEE TABLE
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BOOK AND IT'S LIKE IT NEVER
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HAPPENED.
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HE REMINDS ME OF MY BUDDY WITH A
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COKE PROBLEM AND DEPTH
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PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
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CHRIS FARLEY DID IT BETTER.
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I MEAN SMASHING THROUGH A COFFEE
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TABLE NOT DYING FROM TONS AND
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TONS OF DRUGS.
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MOVING ON, IT'S TIME TO TAME THE
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MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI.
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I AM GETTING GOOD AND TIRED OF
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THOSE DUCK DYNASTY GUYS
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FLAUNTING THEIR WEALTH.
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NOT VERY CHRISTIAN IF YOU ASK
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ME.
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WHERE WAS THIS INGENUITY WHEN
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YOU WERE GETTING WHIPPED IN THE
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CIVIL WAR.
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YANKEES.
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NO WAKE ZONE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING
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ABOUT JUMPS.
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I'M SURE IT WON'T DISTURB THE
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ECOSYSTEM IN THE BAYOU WHERE
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EVERYTHING LIVES IN MUD EVEN
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BRETT FAVRE'S GRANDMA.
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IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE BEST
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FEMALE BEAT BOX IN THE WORLD SAY
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YA.
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YA.
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[ BEAT BOXING ]
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>> Tosh: YOU BIRLZ KNOW WHAT WE
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LIKE.
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IT'S LIKE YOUR IN OUR HEAD.
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PUT A SPOON IN HER MOUTH.
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SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.
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KEEP GOING.
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IT'S ONLY FIVE MORE MINUTES.
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YOU'LL WIN THE CROWD OVER.
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IS SHE TRYING TO LOG ON TO THE
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INTERNET IN 1995?
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OKAY, BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
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HOLIDAY SHOPLIFTERS.
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STEALING FROM THE 20% OFF RACK?
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YOU CAN'T RISK HARD TIME FOR
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LAST SEASON'S LOOKS.
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ZIMMERMAN.
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IT'S AMAZING WHO DECIDES TO TAKE
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THEIR JOB SERIOUSLY.
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AND NOW THANKS TO THE LAWSUIT HE
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OWNS THE STORE.
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HE'S ALSO GOING TO BE HIT WITH A
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RESTOCKING FEE.
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ACTUALLY HE MAY HAVE BEEN
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PLAYING THE KNOCK-OUT GAME.
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LET ME TALK TO YOU URBAN YOUTH,
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GOING UP TO STRANGER AND COLD
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COCKING THEM IS NOT A GAME IT'S
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A CRIME AND YOU'LL BURN IN HELL.
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SORRY YOU HAD BAD PARENTS OR
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PARENT INSTEAD TRY THE
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LIGHTHEARTED VERSION I INVENTED.
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>> THIRD AND 18.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S ON HIM.
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YOU CAN'T STARE DOWN YOUR
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RECEIVER.
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HAVE YOU TO LOOK OFF THE
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SAFETIES.
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FEEL THE PRESSURE AND THE IN
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TERNAL CLOCK, TWO AND A HALF
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SECONDS MAX AND GET RID OF THE
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BALL.
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ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE BEST WAY
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TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
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FRESH.
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YEAH, I CAN'T WATCH THIS.
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I GET CLAUSTERPHOBIC IF I EVEN
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HOLD A GIRL'S HAND.
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NOW PSYCHOPATH CAN FIT FIVE
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TIMES AS MANY VICTIMS IN THEIR
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MEAT LOCKER.
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ARE YOU GUYS SMILING?
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JUST PUT ON MATCHING SHIRTS AND
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POSE IN SAND LIKE NORMAL LOVE
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BIRDS.
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THAT'S WHAT CAN BALLS DO WITH
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THEIR LEFTOVERS.
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I HAVE TO PRESERVE MY STAFF AT
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THE END OF EVERY SEASON BUT I
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JUST PICKLE THEM.
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ALL RIGHT.
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SEE YOU GUYS NEXT SEASON.
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SEE ALL THE PEPPER CORNERS?
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THAT'S THE TOSH FAMILY BRINE.
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I CAN TELL YOU WHAT IS IN IT BUT
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I'D HAVE TO PICKLE YOU.
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HERE'S WHAT'S NEXT.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE TORONTO
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FOUND THEMSELVES A NEW MAYOR.
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NOW LET'S WATCH THE DELETED
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SCENE FROM BEST MAN HOLIDAY IN
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THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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MY BOY LAMAR ODOM TRIPPING AND
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STRIPPING.
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THAT'S HOW WE DO.
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YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A TERRIBLE
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NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN A NAKED CRACK
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HEAD CAN RUN AROUND AND NO ONE
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SO MUCH AS BATS AN EYE.
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PRETTY DECENT RICHARD PRYOR
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IMPRESSION.
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>> THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
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YOU, MAN
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>> Tosh: YOU MAY WANT A SECOND
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OPINION.
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I DIDN'T GO TOED ME SCHOOL BUT I
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SPOT THINGS VERY WRONG WITH YOU.
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HERE'S WHAT I KNOW ABOUT
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GONORRHEA.
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IT'S HARD TO SPELL.
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G-O A COUPLE N'S, R-R AND THEN
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AN H FOR NO GODDAMN REASON.
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HIS PENIS IS ON FIRE.
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THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO LUBE UP
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WITH TAPATIO.
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QUICK, SOMEONE BLOW IT OUT ON
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THE DL OF COURSE.
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MAYBE THIS IS HOW HE CAROLS.
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MR. DICK HURTS HERE.
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DICK HURTS.
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RUN TO THE NEAREST OPEN FIRE
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HYDRANT.
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THAT HAS TO BE ONE LESS THAN A
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BLOCK AWAY.
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I'M GLASS YEAR CLOSE DOR KNOWING
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WHAT A BEST MAN HOLIDAY IS AND
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FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
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FIRST, I THINK YOU'RE IN VIDEO
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MODE.
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.
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>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS TAKE SOG
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>> HI, GUYS.
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TODAY I'M GOING TO BE SHOWING
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YOU HOW TO CHANGE YOUR BAG.
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ALL RIGHT.
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IT'S DOING BETTER SO TAKE THE
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BAG, FOLD IT OVER, THROW IT
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AWAY.
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AND WRAP IT AROUND SO THE CLEAN
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SKIN DOESN'T GET STOOL ON IT.
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I CALL IT MY VOLCANOE.
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IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO STAY
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CALM.
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MY VOLCANOE WAS A LITTLE
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DEFECTIVE NOW.
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NOW YOU TAKE YOUR VOLCANOE UP
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AND IT DOESN'T LEAK.
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>> Tosh: FINALLY A CHICK THAT
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ADMITS SHE POOPS.
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I HOPE SHE DOUBLE-BAGGED THE
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MORNING AFTER THANKSGIVING.
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THAT CUTIE PATOOTIE WITHOUT A
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COLON IN HER BOOTIE IS LAURA AND
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HAS VIDEOS TO SHOW PEOPLE WHAT
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IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH AN OSTEMY
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BAG.
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IF IT'S AN ART I'M JACKSON
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POLLACK.
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I AM IN CONSTANT DANGER OF
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MAKING A MEXICAN MILK SHAKE IN
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MY PANTS SO HAVING A BAG WOULD
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BE GREAT.
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I'D RATHER BM IN A BAG THAN A
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GAS STATION BATHROOM BECAUSE
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THEY'RE FOR PEEING AND MAN ON
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MAN BLOW JOBS.
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THEY COME IN SHAPES AND SIZES
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LIKE THE KARDASHIANS.
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GIVING BIRTH TO A BROWN BUTT
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BABY IS AS CLOSE AS A MAN GETS
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TO EXPERIENCING THE MIRACLE OF
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LIFE.
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DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU SLIPPED
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DOWN THE TOILET HOLE BEFORE YOU
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CAN ADMIRE IT.
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WIPING IS THE ONLY DOWNSIDE.
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YOU WANT SOMETHINGEN FROM SCOTTS
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AND CHARMIN.
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WHAT KIND OF MAD SCIENTIST BUILD
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AS A CHOCOLATE FACTORY IN THE
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DEEPEST CREVASSE?
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INTELLIGENT DESIGN MY BUTT.
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I HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS.
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SO I FLEW HER TO HOLLYWOOD AND
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PICKED HER SQUEAKY CLEAN BUTT UP
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FOR THE CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.
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[ DOOR BELL ]
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>> VERY MATURE.
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TECHNICALLY THAT'S A HATE CRIME
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FOR SOMEONE WITH MY CONDITION.
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>> Tosh: LAURA, SORRY I'M LATE.
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IS THAT YOUR BAG OF [BLEEP].
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THESE PLACE SMELLS AMAZING.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> I'M GUESSING IT'S THE
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CLEANEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE?
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TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
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>> IT'S WHERE THEY TAKE A PART
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OF YOUR SMALL INTESTINE THE
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ILEUM AND POKE IT OUTSIDE OF
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YOUR BODY AND YOU POOP OUT OF
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THAT.
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>> Tosh: WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?
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>> DECEMBER OF 2011.
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>> Tosh: WHY?
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>> I HAVE AN AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE
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AND MY OWN SYSTEM ATTACK HIS
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COLON.
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>> Tosh: HOW DID YOU KNOW WHEN
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THINGS WERE WRONG?
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>> I WAS POOPING ABOUT 27 TIMES
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A DAY AND LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT,
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BLEED, GIRL STUFF.
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>> Tosh: MY MOM USED TO SAY IF
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YOUR POOP HAS BLACK OR BLOOD
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DON'T FLUSH IT LET ME LOOK.
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MY MOM'S A NURSE.
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MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT
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FIRST NOT SHA THA SHE HAS A
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FETISH.
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WHY MAKE VIDEOS?
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>> THREES A STIGMA SO I WANTED
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TO SHOW PEOPLE YOU CAN BE YOUNG
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AND HAVE IT AND LIVE A NORMAL
263
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,997
LIFE AND BE A SEMINORMAL PERSON.
264
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,300
>> Tosh: HOW MUCH OF YOUR DAY IS
265
00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,600
DEVOTED TO MAINTENANCE?
266
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,170
>> I CAN'T CONTROL WHEN I'M
267
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,597
POOPING SO I COULD BE POOPING
268
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,830
RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW.
269
00:11:04,833 --> 00:11:06,073
>> YOU DON'T FEEL IT WHEN IT
270
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:06,767
COMES OUT?
271
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:07,367
>> NO.
272
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,697
I HAVE NO FEELING WHEN IT COMES
273
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:09,200
OUT.
274
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,330
ONLY TIME I KNOW IS IF IT MAKES
275
00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:14,603
A SOUND?
276
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,230
>> Tosh: LIKE A SPLASH?
277
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:18,333
>> LIKE A REGULAR PERSON FARTS,
278
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:19,373
WE STILL FART.
279
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:22,627
>> Tosh: ARE YOU USED A URINE
280
00:11:22,633 --> 00:11:23,203
NAL?
281
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,870
>> NO.
282
00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:26,067
>> Tosh: DO YOU GET SKID MARKS
283
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:26,827
ON YOUR BLOUSE?
284
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:27,533
>> YES.
285
00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:28,773
>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
286
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:31,227
HUG YOU WHEN THEY KNOW DO THEY
287
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:32,233
DO THE BUTT OUT.
288
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,673
>> I DID UNTIL I SAT THEM DOWN
289
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,827
AND WAS LIKE I'M NOT FRAGILE YOU
290
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,073
CAN PICK ME UP AND THROW ME
291
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:39,627
AROUND AND I'LL BE FINE.
292
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,173
>> Tosh: SO THEY PRESS UP
293
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,167
AGAINST YOU NOW.
294
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:43,227
>> IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
295
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:44,573
>> Tosh: ONE OF YOUR VIDEOS YOU
296
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,727
WERE CLEANING THE AREA AND SAID
297
00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:48,803
YOU DEVELOPED A YEAST
298
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:49,870
ININFECTION AROUND IT.
299
00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:50,797
IS THAT COMMON?
300
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,070
>> VERY COMMON.
301
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:53,627
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD TWO
302
00:11:53,633 --> 00:11:55,303
YEAST INFECTIONS AT THE SAME
303
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:55,830
TIME?
304
00:11:55,833 --> 00:11:57,073
>> I HAVE NOT.
305
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,427
>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
306
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,233
GO THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY?
307
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:03,473
>> ONLY STOPPED ONCE AND I GET
308
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,067
NERVOUS.
309
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:05,467
>> Tosh: THAT'S A SIGN OF A
310
00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:06,067
TERRORIST.
311
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:09,597
>> THEN THEY'RE LIKE WHAT IS
312
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:10,270
THAT.
313
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:12,097
>> Tosh: DO THEY EVER MAKE YOU
314
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,600
EMPTY IT BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY
315
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,070
HAVE THREE OUNCES.
316
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,197
>> NO.
317
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,300
>> Tosh: ANY MORE PHYSICAL
318
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,370
ACTIVITIES YOU CAN'T DO?
319
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:20,467
>> I CAN'T DO ABS.
320
00:12:20,467 --> 00:12:21,927
>> Tosh: I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST
321
00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:23,433
BEING LAZY AT THIS POINT.
322
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:25,103
>> NOT LAZY.
323
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,500
>> Tosh: CARDIO?
324
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,630
>> LIKE A FIVE-MAIL RACE WITH
325
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:29,173
OBSTACLES.
326
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,367
>> Tosh: YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
327
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:31,927
PEOPLE.
328
00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:32,933
YOU LIKE GETTING MUDDY.
329
00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:34,203
>> LOVE GETTING MUDDY.
330
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,070
YOU FINISHED THE RACE AND YOU'RE
331
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,927
COVERED AND THEY'RE LIKE THERE
332
00:12:38,933 --> 00:12:40,933
WASN'T MUD ON THE TRACK.
333
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:45,073
DOES YOUR STOMA HAVE A NAME?
334
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:48,067
>> MINE IS TRIXIE?
335
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,067
>> Tosh: YOU WANT TO BE A
336
00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:51,627
STRIPPER.
337
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,573
IF YOU COULD PICK ANOTHER HOLE
338
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:56,627
LIKE MY NOSE.
339
00:12:56,633 --> 00:13:07,303
>> Tosh: I WOULD TAKE MY
340
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,130
URETHRA.
341
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:09,473
THE SENSORS CAN'T TELL ME I
342
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,867
CAN'T DO IT.
343
00:13:10,867 --> 00:13:11,927
CAN I TOUCH IT NOW?
344
00:13:11,933 --> 00:13:17,473
>> YES.
345
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:20,497
>> I CAN'T FEEL IT.
346
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,770
>> Tosh: CLOSE YOUR EYES.
347
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:24,397
>> I CAN'T FEEL.
348
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,770
>> Tosh: IT'S LIKE JELLY.
349
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:27,397
I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT'S
350
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,770
GOING ON ON THE OUTSIDE BUT TO
351
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:29,867
UNDERSTAND THE INSIDE I HAVE TO
352
00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,927
GET IN THERE.
353
00:13:32,933 --> 00:13:34,733
I'M GOING TO GET IN THE MAGIC
354
00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:37,203
SCHOOL BUS AND DRIVE DOWN YOUR
355
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,130
PIE HOLE.
356
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,473
WISH ME LUCK.
357
00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:40,897
>> GOOD LUCK.
358
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,070
>> Tosh: OKAY.
359
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,267
SEAT BELTS ANYONE.
360
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:45,727
>> PLEASE LET IT BE A NORMAL
361
00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:46,473
FIELD TRIP.
362
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,067
>> Tosh: WE'VE NEVER BEEN ON A
363
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:50,967
NORMAL FIELD TRIP NOW STOP YOUR
364
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:51,897
[BLEEP]ING WHINING.
365
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:57,130
HERE WE GO DOWN THE THROAT.
366
00:13:57,133 --> 00:14:03,103
SALIVA CONTAINS AN ENZYME.
367
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:04,400
IT SPENDS FOUR HOURS IN THE
368
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,970
SMALL INTESTINES AND A LIFETIME
369
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:11,597
ON THE HIPS, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?
370
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:21,430
IT HOLDS TWO THREE LITERS OF
371
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:21,903
POOP.
372
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:23,600
THE AVERAGE POOP OF AN ADULT
373
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,430
MALE IS 1.3 POUNDS.
374
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,073
YEAH, CHECK YOUR DAD.
375
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:28,697
>> GROSS.
376
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:32,230
>> Tosh: IN THE PREHISTORIC ERA
377
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:34,573
MAN HAS SMALL AND LARGE AND
378
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:35,567
GIGANTIC INTESTINES.
379
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:38,127
>> THAT TICKLES, DANIEL.
380
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:39,503
>> Tosh: ANYBODY WANT SOME CORN?
381
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,870
>> OOH.
382
00:14:40,867 --> 00:14:43,397
>> Tosh: SCHOOL BUSS ARE YELLOW
383
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,770
BECAUSE THAT'S THE EASIEST COLOR
384
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:46,467
TO SEE IN THE MORNING AND EARLY
385
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:46,967
EVENING.
386
00:14:46,967 --> 00:14:50,267
BY THE TIME YOUR BODY WILL
387
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:51,767
PRODUCE ENOUGH POOP TO FILL
388
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,967
BRYANT DENNY STADIUM WHICH WOULD
389
00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:55,867
BE AN IMPROVEMENT.
390
00:14:55,867 --> 00:14:56,497
NOTHING?
391
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:57,300
BAMA FANS?
392
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,100
GET OFF THE BUS.
393
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,770
IF YOU WIPE MORE THAN FOUR TIMES
394
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,567
PER POOP YOU'RE RISK FOR ANAL
395
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:06,097
CANCER GOES UP 25%.
396
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,470
30 IN MINORITIES.
397
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:08,727
NORMALLY WE HEAD STRAIGHT FOR
398
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:15,073
HER B-HOLE BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE
399
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,497
HERSHEY HIGHWAY IS CLOSED.
400
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,530
VERY TO GET OFF THE DETOUR.
401
00:15:19,533 --> 00:15:22,803
THIS IS BUMPER TO BUMPER.
402
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:29,400
TRAFFIC'S BACKED UP TO THE
403
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,070
STOMA.
404
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:30,497
WE'VE BEEN HIT.
405
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,070
I BET THEY DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.
406
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:32,827
WE'RE STUCK.
407
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:34,873
A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE.
408
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,697
>> IT SMELLS.
409
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,800
>> Tosh: DO YOU WANT A DIET?
410
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,100
GET YOUR [BLEEP] TOGETHER.
411
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:45,700
I CANNOT SEE A THING.
412
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:51,470
TAKE CHANCES, MAKE MISTAKES.
413
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,227
DON'T PANIC EVERYONE WE'RE
414
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:59,703
LEAVING LAURA.
415
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,970
WHO WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT THE
416
00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:04,367
FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM?
417
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:04,827
OKAY.
418
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:07,133
LUBE US UP AND GIVE US A PUSH.
419
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,533
I DON'T THINK WE LEARNED
420
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,103
ANYTHING.
421
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,100
ON AN UNRELATED NOTE I'M SELLING
422
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,570
A SLIGHTLY USED MAGIC SCHOOL BUS
423
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:14,267
AS IS.
424
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:16,167
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST I
425
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:16,897
LOVE DUMPS.
426
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,400
SO MUCH THAT I CREATED A NEW WEB
427
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,900
SERIES WHERE CELEBRITIES TALK
428
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,170
ABOUT POOPING THEIR DRAWS.
429
00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:23,427
IT'S CALLED SELF DEFECATING
430
00:16:23,433 --> 00:16:25,573
HUMOR AND FOR THE PILOT EPISODE
431
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:29,067
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A WHIFF
432
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:32,467
OF MY OWN AUTOBOWELOGRAPHY.
433
00:16:32,467 --> 00:16:34,067
WASH IT ON OUR BLOG BUT HERE'S A
434
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:34,727
SNEAK PEEK.
435
00:16:34,733 --> 00:16:36,873
THIS IS A STORY FIVE OF FIVE OF
436
00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:47,567
ME CRAPPING MYSELF AS IN AN
437
00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:51,097
>> THERE DO YOU.
438
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:55,670
WOW.
439
00:16:55,667 --> 00:17:02,967
[LAUGHTER]
440
00:17:02,967 --> 00:17:05,627
>> Tosh: TEXAS A&M HAS REALLY
441
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,473
SCALED BACK THEIR BON FIRES.
442
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,927
BLAMING JENGA.
443
00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:10,903
THAT WAS MY OLD COLLEGE
444
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,570
NICKNAME.
445
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:12,967
HERE COMES FLAMING JENGA.
446
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,667
THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BOYS WOULD
447
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,797
HELL IN THE SHOWER.
448
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,370
ALL FLAMING JENGA'S HERE.
449
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:21,267
PARTY GAMES ARE FUN ABOUT THE
450
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:24,097
THE STAKES ARE ALWAYS SO LOW SO
451
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:27,600
I TOOK OLD PLASTIC AND MADE THEM
452
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,100
DISGUSTING AND-OR DANGEROUS.
453
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:55,600
COME ON.
454
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,070
>> MARCO.
455
00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,297
>> POLO.
456
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,100
>> MARCO.
457
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:04,070
>> POLO.
458
00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:06,367
[**]
459
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:07,797
>> Tosh: I NEED YOU TO DO LEFT
460
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:18,070
HAND BLUE.
461
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:18,727
READY?
462
00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:26,733
RIGHT HAND, GREEN.
463
00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:33,873
RIGHT HAND, RED.
464
00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:34,627
COME ON, GUYS.
465
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:38,533
HOLD YOUR POSITION.
466
00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:46,773
HEY, LADIES.
467
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:47,967
>> Tosh: THAT'S LESS DANGEROUS
468
00:18:47,967 --> 00:18:50,067
THAN THE REGULAR SPIN THE
469
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:50,667
BOTTLE.
470
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:51,867
EVERYBODY'S GOT THE HERP THESE
471
00:18:51,867 --> 00:18:52,367
DAYS.
472
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:53,067
NOT ME THOUGH.
473
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,267
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE VIEWER
474
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,067
VINE OF THE WEEK.
475
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,227
>> DO YOU THINK THEY'LL ACTUALLY
476
00:18:56,233 --> 00:18:56,803
HAVE STAPLES.
477
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:57,600
>> NO WAY.
478
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,270
>> YES.
479
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:00,367
>> WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
480
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,497
MEANS.
481
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:08,530
>> COME ON, WHOO!
482
00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:10,633
>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I SHOP AT
483
00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:12,133
DILLARD'S BECAUSE A MAN CAN
484
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,503
NEVER HAVE TOO MANY DILLARD'S.
485
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:15,600
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
486
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:16,930
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST IF
487
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:20,633
I WAS A BLACK DUDE, I'D NAME MY
488
00:19:20,633 --> 00:19:21,803
SCHLONG THE MINORITY WHIP.
489
00:19:31,233 --> 00:19:32,733
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
490
00:19:32,733 --> 00:19:34,633
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY PRAYER
491
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:35,173
REQUESTS?
492
00:19:35,167 --> 00:19:36,627
THAT'S ENTIRELY TOO MANY.
493
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,973
EVERYBODY PRAY TO THEMSELVES.
494
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:42,667
NEXT WEEK'S OUR SEASON FINALE,
495
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:44,327
HIP-HIP HOO RAY AND THE LAST
496
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:46,673
TIME TO SEE MY FACE UNTIL NEXT
497
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,627
WE'RE SO WHATEVER.
498
00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:51,173
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER OR
499
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,567
ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA AND GO IT OUR
500
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:53,967
BLOG ON YOUR COMPUTER.
501
00:19:53,967 --> 00:19:55,297
THERE'S NO PHYSICAL LOCATION.
502
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,730
AND FINALLY I'LL BE HONEST, IF
503
00:19:56,733 --> 00:19:58,233
YOU PLAN ON SENDING ME A
504
00:19:58,233 --> 00:20:03,173
CHRISTMAS CARD YOU CAN ADDRESS
505
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:05,327
TO MY GARBAGE CAN BECAUSE I
506
00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:09,403
WON'T LOOK AT IT.
507
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,170
IF YOU KNEW WHAT I DID IN MY
508
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,327
LIVING ROOM LAST THING YOU'D
509
00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:15,403
WANT IS YOUR FAMILY WATCHING ME.
510
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,370
I DID RECEIVE A FUNNY CHRISTMAS
511
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,497
CARD AND I HESITATE TO SHOW BUT
512
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,470
WE HAVE A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
513
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:23,967
AND HE AND I UNDERSTAND EACH
514
00:20:23,967 --> 00:20:26,397
OTHER'S UNIQUE SENSE OF HUMOR.
515
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,500
WHO AM I KIDDING.
516
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,470
I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE IT.
517
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:33,367
WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON RENTS A
518
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,267
KID'S CASKET FOR A PHOTO SHOOT.
519
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:39,127
FIRST, HOW DO YOU EVEN RENT A
520
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:39,873
CASKET.
521
00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:42,167
IT WOULD SEEM IS A BUSINESS
522
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:43,227
THAT'S PURCHASE ONLY?
523
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:44,573
DOES HE OWN IT NOW?
524
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,097
I GUESS THE KID WAS ON THE EXTRA
525
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:47,930
NAUGHTY LIST.
526
00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:51,303
HEY, AND SINCE YOU GUYS ARE THE
527
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:54,870
MOST EFFED UP PEOPLE I KNOW I'D
528
00:20:54,867 --> 00:20:57,227
LIKE TO SEE IF YOU CAN SEND ME
529
00:20:57,233 --> 00:21:00,403
FUNNIER CHRISTMAS CARDS AND I'LL
530
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:05,530
PUT SOME ON THE SEASON FINALE
531
00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:08,073
AND EVEN HANUKKAH CARDS.
532
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,297
EVERTHING YOU HEARD IS A LIE.
533
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,170
TRUST NO ONE.
534
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:16,127
YOUR FATHER'S AN ALIEN.
535
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,673
>> Tosh: IF I STARTED POLLING ON
536
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,527
IT COULD I START PULLING YOUR
537
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:20,333
INTESTINES OUT?
538
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:22,173
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
539
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:23,297
THAT'S TERRIFYING.
540
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,070
>> Tosh: NOBODY'S EVER GIVEN A
541
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:25,797
LITTLE TUG.
33717
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