Original subtitles

>> THREE, TWO, ONE.

[ SCREAMING ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT IS GOOD IF YOU'RE

FISHING FOR ONE OF THOSE SLUTTY

SUICIDE GIRLS.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

THIS WEEK I'M THANKFUL I LIVE

TOO FAR FROM MY FAMILY TO GO

HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.

I TEASE, MARGO.

TONIGHT I TEASE A GUY WHO DOES

IMPRESSIONS AN HOST THE MOST

FABULOUS PARADE AND GO ON

TWITTER.

THIS EPISODE'S GOING TO SUCK AND

YOU'RE STILL GOING TO WATCH IT,

SHEEP.

IN MY EXPERIENCE FREAKS WHO ARE

INTO BODY PIERCING USUALLY

AREN'T THIS OUTDOORSY.

THIS IS A WHITE MAN'S SPORT.

HE'D MAKE AN ADORABLE CHRISTMAS

ORNAMENT.

THERE HAS TO BE EASIER WAYS TO

DISAPPOINTMENT YOUR PARENTS.

AT LEAST HE HAS MORE HOLES TO

HOOK YOUR CHAIN WALLET TO YOU

MACKLEMORE LOOKING PSYCHO.

BODY-MODDING ADDS EXCITEMENT TO

ANY SPORT.

I DON'T NEED NIPPLES.

I'M NOT LOOKING TO BOND WITH ANY

BABY.

ALL RIGHT, NOT ALL ANIMALS ARE

UNHAPPY AT THE ZOO.

YES, WE'RE WATCHING.

THE ZOOKEEPER SHOULD RAISE MON

YEAH FOR A HOT TUB.

I ONCE SAW TWO PANDAS GIVE EACH

OTHER BLUMPKINS.

YOU HAVE TO ASK BEFORE YOU PUT

ONE IN THE YOU INCONSIDERATE

APE.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

GORILLAS SOME OF MY BEST

CUSTOMERS AT THE SEX SHOP.

DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING YOU

NEEDED.

ANAL BEADS, GOOD CHOICE.

THOSE ARE SEVEN HOURS LONG.

ANAL SET SWING.

NEED A CLUB CARD?

WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

YOU GET 5% OFF.

OKAY.

CASH, CREDIT OR FECES?

>> CREDIT, PLEASE.

>> I'LL PUT THE RECEIPT IN THE

BAG.

DID YOU GUYS EVER SEE GORILLAS

IN THE FIST.

LET'S WATCH TWO DUDES GET ON

THEIR KNEES AND STIMULATE EACH

OTHER.

I'VE SEEN IT 100 TIMES.

I KEEP HOPING THEY'LL KISS.

I CAN'T TELL IF THEY'RE GOOD AT

SLAPPING OR BAD AT PADDY CAKE.

WAS ANYONE KEEPING SCORE?

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A

RELATIONSHIP WITH A PUERTO RICAN

CHICK HAVE YOU TO TRAIN.

MY FAVORITE THING BAY RIVER, NO

LIFE GUARDS.

LITTLE TRAMP STAMP.

I RESPECT THAT MAN ON JEANS

ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: HE COULDN'T FIND A

STICK SO HE DECIDED TO CHECK THE

DEPTH OF HIS FACE.

SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT

THE ONLY TIME HE'LL HIT ROCK

BOTTOM.

A DEAD BODY IS THE ULTIMATE

NO-DIVING SIGN.

SAME THING USED TO HAPPEN TO

JESUS EVERY SUMMER NEP GUY

COULDN'T PENETRATE WATER.

HERE'S WHY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO

PARK WITHIN A BILLION FEET OF A

FIRE HYDRANT.

[BLEEP]

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> Tosh: DID YOU CALL THE

FIREWOMEN BY MISTAKE?

[LAUGHTER]

ZING!

GONE INTO NEED TO FILL MORE

BOOTS TO PAY FOR THIS STUNT.

WHO SPIKED THE CHILI?

REAL MATURE.

ARE FIREFIGHTERS STILL

CONSIDERED HEROES IF THEY DIE

WHILE TRYING TO PARK?

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING?

>> ALMOST 40.

>> HOW FAST?

>> 40.

>> Tosh: IS IT A HOVERBOARD?

I HOPE HE'S ON A HOVERBOARD.

NOW LET'S SEE IF THE OBJECTS IN

THE MIRROR ARE DUMBER THAN THEY

APPEAR IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

>> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING?

>> GOING ABOUT 40.

>> Tosh: I LIKE WHERE THIS IS

GOING.

USUALLY THE WITH THE RED CARPET

ON HIS'STACHE IS THE IDIOT OF

THE GROUP.

YOU ONLY NEED A HELMET KIDS IF

YOU PLAN ON FAILING.

LOOK AT THAT SMOKE.

ONLY A HILL PERSON COULD FIGURE

OUT HOW TO RUIN THE ENVIRONMENT

WITH A BICYCLE.

55 MILES AN HOUR ON A SCHWINN.

THEY BETTER NOT BE IN A SCHOOL

ZONE.

LANCE WAS THAT FAST UNTIL THE

USDA TOOK WAY HIS CHEWABLES.

UH-OH.

HE'S GETTING THE SPEED WOBBLES.

HURRY, TELL YOUR DREAM CATCHER

TO KEEP HIM SAFE.

STEER INTO IT.

NO, BAIL.

I GUESS YOU CAN FORGET HOW TO

RIDE A BIKE.

>> HOLY [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: I'M SURE THOSE ARE JUST

SCREAMS OF JOY.

AT LEAST HIS FAMILY CAN ADOPT

THAT HIGHWAY TO HONOR HIS MEMORY

AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BUT FIRST DON'T

WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THE

ANCHORMAN SEQUEL YOUR LOCAL NEWS

CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH FOR FREE.

>> WHEN MY SON WAS TEETHING HE

LIKED TO TAKE MY VIBRATING TOOTH

BRUSH ON HIS MOUTH LIKE YEAH,

THAT FEELS GOOD.

THAT HITS THE SPOT.

>> GEORGE W. BUSH.

SO [BLEEP].

OH, HEY, MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

GEORGE W. BUSH, FORMER PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES.

NUMBER 43.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

HI, I'M THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF

CALIFORNIA.

HOW ARE YOU.

THE ANGRY RUSSIAN.

YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU LISTEN TO

ME I WANT THE BEST TABLE

I WANT THAT TABLE.

IT'S A RESERVATION 20 TO 30

MINUTES.

CLARITA.

YOU KNOW I LOVE THE SENIORITA.

>> JOSH GROBIN.

>> Tosh: IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES

IT'S LIKE NONE OF THEM ARE IN

THE ROOM.

DANA CARVEY IS ROLLING IN HIS

GRAVE.

THAT'S STRUGGLING ACTOR WITH IAN

ZIERING 90s PERM IS ROBERT AND

HIS MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION IS

OF A LOOFAH.

IMPRESSIONS ARE WHEN A GUY WITH

LESS TALENT COPIES A GUY WITH

MORE TALENT.

LIKE PODCASTS.

EVERYONE HAS ONE AND NO ONE

WANTS TO HEAR THEM.

PRETENDING TO BE DIFFERENT

PEOPLE DOESN'T MEAN YOUR

ENTERTAINING.

IT MEANS YOUR A CRAZY PERSON AND

GOD PUT YOUR BRAIN IN BACKWARDS

YOU SORT OF RESEM BALL A

PRESIDENT.

MY FAVORITE IMPRESSIONIST IS

MONET FOLLOWED BY DEGA.

I FIND THE BEST IMPERSONATORS

ARE IN SOUTH BEACH BECAUSE YOU

CAN BARELY SEE THEIR WEENIE PUPZ

THINK GIRLS WOULD BE BETTER

IMPRESSIONISTS SINCE MOST OF

THEIR TIME IS MAKING FACES IN

FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A FLEW HIM

TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> GOOD EVENING.

AND WELCOME TO INSIDE THE ACTORS

STUDIO.

I'M JAMES LIPTON.

IN SPIRIT OF THE EVENING I'LL

HOST THE SHOW WHILE DOING AN

IMPRESSION OF DANIEL TOSH.

OKAY.

LET'S MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE

1,000 VOICE HAS IT SOUND

SIMILAR.

BRANDON McNEILY.

>> HELLO.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE SO STRONG AND

I'M SO OLD.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> CHICAGO.

A PLACE CALLED GLEN ELLEN,

ILLINOIS.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER LIVED IN

LOS ANGELES?

>> FOR A WHILE.

>> Tosh: WERE YOU TRYING TO BE

AN ACTOR.

>> AND AN ENTERTAINER.

>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THE VIDEO WE

WATCHED?

>> A COMPILATION OF IMPRESSIONS

FOR MY MANAGER.

>> WE STARTED AN IMPROV EXERCISE

IN COLLEGE AND TOOK FROM THERE.

>> Tosh: THE BIG BREAK COMES

WITH THE VIDEO.

HOW DID SUCCESS CHANGE YOU?

>> HUNGRIER TO COME BACK TO L.A.

>> Tosh: DID WE BUY YOU A

ONE-WAY TICKET?

>> TWO-WAY.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE KEY TO A

SUCCESSFUL JOSH GROBIN

IMPRESSION.

>> SING LIKE HIM.

>> Tosh: THAT'S YOUR STRONG

SUIT.

BUT WHEN YOU STARTED WITH I'M

JOSH GROBIN.

>> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN.

>> Tosh: IT SEEMS WEIRD FOR AN

IMPRESSION TO ANNOUNCE YOUR

NAME.

THINK HE EVER SAYS THAT?

HE PROBABLY DOES BECAUSE HE'S A

[BLEEP] BAG.

HAVE YOU STRUCK WITH THE IRON

WAS HOT WITH THE IMPRESSION.

A MERE 30 SECONDS LATER ANGRY

RUSSIAN IMPRESSION.

>> SIX, SEVEN, PEOPLE, YOU SHUT

UP.

>> Tosh: DID YOU WORK AT THE

RE

RESTAURANT?

>> I DID.

>> Tosh: WHY WAS HE SO ANGRY.

WHAT RESTAURANT?

>> WOOD RANCH.

>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THEIR SPECIAL

HAS IT NIGHT.

>> BEEF BRISKET, 24 OUNCES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NICE.

>> IT WAS GOOD.

>> Tosh: WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES

AS AN ACTOR.

>> JOHN WAYNE, ROBERT DENIRO.

>> Tosh: I DO A SPOT ON ROBERT

DE NIRO.

>> REALLY?

>> Tosh: THAT'S ALL I GOT.

YOU'RE EYES BUG OUT A LOT WHEN

YOU DO IMPRESSION MIGHT YOU

SUFFER FROM A THYROID CONDITION?

>> I ACTUALLY DID HAVE THYROID

CANCER.

>> Tosh: WAY TO GO, JOE.

GOOD QUESTION.

COMPLETELY CURED?

>> COMPLETELY CURED.

>> Tosh: LET ME HEAR YOU DO A

SEINFELD?

>> GEORGE.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT KRAMER.

DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOURSELF

DOING AN IMPRESSION.

>> GEORGE W. BUSH, 43rd

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> Tosh: YOUR FAVORITE WORD?

>> SCRUMPTIOUS.

>> Tosh: NO.

ANOTHER.

>> SMORGASBORD.

>> Tosh: WHAT IMPRESSION WILL

YOU DO AT THE PEARLY GATES?

>> SCHWARZENEGGER.

>> Tosh: THE CLASSICS.

DO YOU EVER TAKE SUGGESTIONS

FROM THE AUDIENCE?

>> YES, I DO.

>> Tosh: NOW I BELIEVE BOBBY HAS

INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED KICK

STARTER TO FUND HIS LATEST

PROJECT.

>> I GIVE YOU THE TRAILER FOR

THANKSGIVING

>> IF YOU HATE IMPRESSIONS OF

THE HOLIDAYS THEN SEND YOUR

FAMILY TO SEE THANKSGIVING FROM

THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU

VALENTINE'S DAY AND NEW YEAR'S

EVE STARRING BRANDON McNEILY AS

OWEN WILSON.

LUKE WILSON.

OWEN WILSON.

LUKE WILSON.

>> LET ME GUESS YOU'LL KILL

YOURSELF.

>> MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.

WILLIAM SHATNER.

>> BEAM ME UP A PLATE OF SLICED

HAM.

>> AND EDDIE MURPHY.

JACK NICHOLSON.

>> WHERE'S THE COKE.

>> YOUNG JACK NICHOLSON.

>> THE ANGRY RUSSIAN.

JOSH GROBIN.

>> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN.

THIS IS HOW YOU PASS THE GREEN

BEANS.

YOU RAISE IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

>> JOHN TRAVOLTA.

>> HEY, PASS THE CRANBERRY

SAUCE.

>> CLARITA.

>> I WISH THERE WAS A CACTUS I

COULD NAP ON.

>> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

>> YOUR HOUSE KEEPER'S

ATTRACTIVE.

>> THERE WAS AN E-MAIL.

THAT'S FUNNY.

>> AND TARA REID.

>> WHERE'S MY PAYCHECK?

>> IN THANKSGIVING IN THEATERS

EVERYWHERE THIS EASTER.

>> Tosh: THAT GUY DOES A SPOT ON

TARA REID.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?

>> NEXT QUESTION.

>> UM, I WAS WONDERING WHAT'S

THE RECOMMENDED AMOUNT OF WHAM I

SHOULD HAVE TO SERVE?

I'M SORRY.

>>

>> Tosh: I WONDER IF THEY THROW

TOOTSIE ROLLS TO THE CROWD.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GO PARADE

OTHER THAN J.F.K.

LET'S BE HONEST, EVERY PARADE IS

A GAY PARADE.

ALL YOU HOMOPHOBES ARE WATCHING

YOUR FOOTBALL I WILL PROUDLY BE

SERVING AS GRAND MARSHALL AS THE

FIRST EVER MACY'S GAY

THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.

WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE.

NOTHING BUT SPIGOTS ON NBC.

HERE COMES BUZZ LIGHTYEAR MAKING

THE INTERNATIONAL GESTURE FOR

JERKING OFF.

YOU KNOW WHO WOULD KNOW IS RYAN

SEAS CREST.

SAY HELLO TO PEPPERMINT PATTY.

>> AND HERE'S BERT AND ERNIE.

>> THOSE TWO ENJOY STUFFING ALL

YEAR LONG.

>> IT DOESN'T GET OLD UP HERE,

RYAN.

HERE TO REPRESENT THE BEAR

COMMUNITY, SPANISH CLAUS.

>> I'D LIKE TO GET MY HANDS ON

HIS SACK OF GOODIES.

>> THE SOUND OF CHILDREN

SCREAMING CAN ONLY MEAN ONE

THING, HERE COMES ELMO.

>> WATCH OUT, KIDS, DON'T THREAT

THAT PUPPET TOUCH YOU.

>> OR RYAN.

WHAT A POSE.

THE ELF ON THE SHELF LOOKS READY

FOR ANYTHING.

>> UH-OH, THE METLIFE PENIS

BLIMP IS COMING EARLY.

>> ISN'T THAT PEDOPHILIA?

>> RYAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE

McKINLEY HIGH ALL-NUDE DUDE

MARCHING BAN.

>> WHO'S COMPLAINING, HEY?

>> RYAN, LET'S GET INTO THE

THANKSGIVING SPIRIT WITH A RIDE

ON THE GAY FLOWER.

>> DID YOU KNOW THE FIRST WAS ON

PLYMOUTH COCK.

>> I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS ONE BUT

I KNOW WHO WILL, RYAN.

I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR COURAGEOUS

SPONSORS FOR BEING SO

PROGRESSIVE.

I'M DANIEL TOSH, HAPPY

THANKSGIVING.

>> YOU MEAN HAPPY THANKS GAYING.

>> THEY MAY WANT TO PASS WITH

THE STREET SCREENERS.

HAVE REPLACEMENT BRUSH HEADS

HANDY.

THE GLUE WILL MESS UP THE

BRISTLES.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ME, I STAY HARD.

>> Tosh: THE ONLY THING THAT'S

SOFT ABOUT HIM IS ARE HIS HANDS.

BECAUSE HE MOISTURIZES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

EVERYBODY KNOWS REDHEADS CAME

ABOUT WHEN A HAIRLESS CAT TAUGHT

HIMSELF TO READ.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY.

I GOT TO END THIS SHOW SOON TO

GET IN LINE AT BEST BUY.

THEY HAVE AN ALL-IN ONE PRINTER

FOR $99.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE THE

DEAL'S TOO GOOD TO PASS UP.

NEXT WEEK I SHOOT THE [BLEEP]

WITH THIS BAG LADY.

>> I'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW TO

CHANGE YOUR BAG.

THERE'S SOME THINGS I WANT TO

TALK ABOUT BEFORE I TAKE THIS

OFF SO I'M NOT DRIPPING ALL OVER

THE PLACE.

>> Tosh: NO BIG DEAL.

I'VE [BLEEP] IN A BAG BEFORE AND

MADE MY ASSISTANT CARE TRY

THROUGH A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

DON'T GO TO MY BLOG FOR MY

CHUTNEY AND BRICKLEBERRY IS BACK

AND THERE'S RUMORS MALLOY WON'T

BE BACK NEXT YEAR.

NOW, RECENTLY THE SCIENTISTS AT

TIME MAGAZINE DISCOVERED A

FORMULA TO DETERMINE THE WORTH

OF SOMEONE'S TWITTER HANDLE LIKE

THE FREQUENCY OF TWEETS AND

NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS TO GET AN

EXACT MONETARY VALUE.

MY WRITER HAS 9,000 FOLLOWERS.

THAT'S WORTH $56.

SHE IS POOR.

ONE DIRECTION IS WORTH $2.5

MILLION BUT KEEP IN MIND THEY

HAVE TO SPLIT THAT FIVE WAYS OR

MAYBE SIX.

AN ASSUME THEY HAVE TO INCLUDE

SOME WEIRD OLD SEX OFFENDER THAT

MANAGES THEM.

THIS IS INTERESTING, MARKEY

MARK'S TWITTER IS ONLY WORTH

$1,000.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'D BE WORTH MORE IF YOU

STOPPED 9-11 LIKE YOU PROMISED.

HE GUY'S SELFISH.

COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.

CHOSE NOT TO.

NOW, GARY MANN IS THE EXECUTIVE

OF COMEDY CENTRAL IN CHARGE OF

THIS SHOW.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH HIS TWITTER'S

WORTH.

A DOLLAR?

SEEMS OVERVALUED.

WE'LL LEAVE HIS HANDLE UP FOR A

WHILE.

MAKE SURE YOU GUYS GET THAT.

THAT'S @ THE REAL GARY MANN.

HE ALWAYS WELL COMES STEVE BACK

OR JUST HATEFUL INCONSULTS.

JUSTIN BEIBER.

THIS WILL MAKE EVERYONE SPINNING

HIS TWITTERCCOUNT IS WORTH $21

MILLION.

THAT'S GOING TO BUY SO SOUTH

AMERICAN WHORES.

I MEAN GOOD ONES TOO.

HOOTERS.

ONLY WORTH $3500.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT

WORTH MORE?

TONS OF TIT PICKS.

YOU'RE LEANING OVER A GOLD MINE

AND DON'T KNOW IT.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH DANIEL TOSH

IS WORTH.

$4.1 MILLION?

SOLD.

THE FIRST TO FORK IT OVER WILL

GET EXCLUSIVE PAYMENT.

SEND DID OVER TO THE "TOSH.0"

OFFICES AND WE'LL MAKE IT

HAPPEN.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: THIS QUESTION IS FOR

KENDALL JENNER.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOU TASTE

LIKE?

>> I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A TAFFY

APPLE.