Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> I CAN DO IT.

>> OH, MY --

[**]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: JIM BEAM IN A CAN

SHOULD BE ALL THE EXPLANATION

YOU NEED.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

TO GET STARTED I'LL NEED A

SUGGESTION FROM SOMEONE IN THE

AUDIENCE.

>> IMPROV.

>> Tosh: TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I

BRING HIS LADY MAN -- I MEAN

LADY'S MAN AND WHY POOR'S THE

NEW RICH AND PLAY IS IT RACIST

AND I GET TESTED FOR AIDS.

NOW, WHAT WAS THIS YOUNG MAN

THINKING?

IT WASN'T EVEN BAIT IN THERE.

CAUGHT ONE.

YOU HAVE TO ATTACK YOUR

BLACKHEADS.

HE'S NOT SCREAMING BECAUSE HIS

FACE IS SEALED SHUT.

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO STOP

TESTING ANIMAL TRAPS ON HUMANS?

ON THE UPSIDE HIS PELT WILL

FETCH A HANDSOME FEE AT MARKET.

NOW, PLEASE RISE FOR OUR

NATIONAL ANTHEM.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO FILM YOU GUYS

SO IT'S TOTALLY COOL IF YOU STAY

SEATED.

>> Tosh: COLOR GUARD, ARREST

THAT BOY.

I FEEL BAD HIS KID'S DAD LEFT

WORK AT 3:30 FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: OLE BUTTERFINGERS BET

ARE START MAKE CYMBAL NOISES

WITH HIS MOUTH

YOU CAN'T RATTLE HIM.

THAT'S WHY HE GETS ALL THE BAND

[BLEEP].

USING PATRIOTISM TO COVER HIS

MISTAKES.

THAT KID HAS A FUTURE IN

POLITICS.

YOU CAN SALUTE YOUR WAY OUT OF

ANY EMBARRASSING SITUATION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I THINK IT WAS THE

BLOND GIRL NEXT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, IF NO ONE WANTS TO

PONY UP $35 FOR YOUR COUCH ON

CRAIGSLIST YOU CAN ALWAYS DO

THIS.

>> DOWN THERE?

>> NOPE.

>> Tosh: I MEAN, YES.

KIND OF OF.

THERE WAS SOME ONE HALFWAY DOWN.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE THE HOA BOARD

WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS.

I'M SURE THEY AT LEAST CALLED

THE CITY TO ARRANGE FOR A BULK

ITEM PICK UP.

IF ANY OF YOU EVER NEED HELP

MOVING FEEL FREE TO DIFF ME A

CALL.

>> ARE YOU DOWN THERE?

>> Tosh: THE PROBLEM WITH MY

MOVING COMPANY IS I'M LICENSED

BUT NOT BONDED.

YOU NEED TO BE BOTH.

NOW, IF YOU'RE IN ALABAMA AND

YOUR SISTER TEXTS YOU THAT SHE

WANTS YOU INSIDE HER HONEY POT

YOU GET THERE AS FAST AS YOU

CAN.

AIRBAG WORKS.

OVERSHOT IT A SKOSH THERE,

GOOBER.

CARS LOSE HALF THEIR VALUE THE

MINUTE YOU DRIVE THEM OFF THE

RAMP.

WE GET IT.

THE BLACK TRUCK CAN JUMP HIGHER

THAN ALL THE OTHER TRUCKS.

I HOPE THEY'RE DIP CUP DIDN'T

SPILL.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT BUILT FORD

TOUGH?

THE HUMAN BODY.

YOU BETTER BE OKAY

I NEED YOU PROTECTING ME FROM

THE PERVERT ALCOHOLIC UNCLE

JESSE.

>> Tosh: HOPEFULLY I WON'T GET

ENORMOUSLY FAT LIKE ALL THE

OTHER ACTRESS HAS IT PLAYED

DAISY DUKE BEFORE ME.

OKAY, THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE

MORE THAN A CONFIDENT MAN WHO

MAINTAINS EYE CONTACT IN THE

BEDROOM.

HE'S PREPARED TO PROTECT HIS

VIRGINITY WITH HIS LIFE.

PUT YOUR STEAK KNIFE AWAY, TUBS.

YOU MAY WANT TO GO UP A ROBE

SIZE OR TWO.

HE PUT THE LOOFAH ON THE SWORD

TO WASH HIMSELF.

IS THAT THE SOUND OF HIS OLD

CAMERA FOCUSSING OR STOMACH

GROWLING?

ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS THE SIGN THAT SAYS THE

REGISTER CONTAINS LESS THAN $50

A BUNCH OF BULL HONKY.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY WATCH A WOMAN

ON CAMERA MAKES ME HORNY.

THERE'S NO REASON TO GO INSIDE A

GAS STATION UNLESS YOU FEEL LIKE

STEALING.

RINGING YOURSELF UP, HUH?

MAYBE SHE'S PART INDIAN.

SHE'S WEAR A SKI MASK BUT

DOESN'T FRIZZY HAIR THE NEXT

DAY.

WHY DOESN'T SHE GET HER

BOYFRIEND TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING

LIKE ANY CHICK.

SHE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE

TAKE A PENNY SYSTEM.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE BIG BILLS

ARE UNDER THE TRAY?

THAT'S RIGHT, CASHIERS, YOUR

SECURITY SYSTEM HAS BEEN

COMPROMISED.

HE'S COMING.

THAT'S A MINIMUM WAGE EFFORT.

MAYBE IF YOU WERE BETTER AT

TACKLING IT WOULDN'T BE YOUR DAY

JOB.

IN HIS DEFENSE HE DIDN'T HAVE

TIME TO PROPERLY WIPE.

BE SURE TO GRAB A MINIATURE

LICENSE PLATE YOUR NAME ON IT ON

THE WAY OUT.

SHE LOST A FLIP FLOP.

NOW HE HAS TO TAKE IT TO EVERY

TRAILER PARK UNTIL HE FINDS THE

FUGITIVE.

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'LL JUST

SNIFF IT AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU AND IT'S TIME FOR THE

"TOSH.0" SEX POSITION OF THE

WEEK.

>> IN THIS POSITION THE WOMAN

MAKES LOVE TO AN EMOTIONALLESS

WHITE MAN.

THIS IS HOW YOU FORM THE MOUNT

RUSHMORE.

THANKS, DANIEL, AND REMEMBER

KEEP ON [BLEEP]ING.

>> HEY, THERE, KATIE.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

>> YAY

>> IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

>> IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

CUE THE SONG.

THE FIRST TIME WE HUNG OUT I

KNEW WE WERE SPECIAL PERHAPS IT

WAS THE SILLY VOICES.

IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF AN

AWESOME FRIENDSHIP OR MAYBE

MORE.

PLEASE, SIR, I WANT SOME MORE.

>> HE LIKES YOU.

>> YOU GIVE ME A REASON.

>> Tosh: IS IT OVER?

I'D BE EMBARRASSED IF I EVEN

REMEMBERED A GIRL'S BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S DAVID.

HE THOUGHT THE QUICKEST WAY TO A

GIRL'S HEART WAS TO MAKE US ALL

NAUSEOUS.

YOU THINK JAMES BOND EVER MADE A

SIX-MINUTE LONG VIDEO TO TELL A

WOMAN HE LIKED HER?

MAYBE BUT I BET IT BLEW HER UP

IN THE END.

IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN THE

FIRST 24 HOURS OF MEETING A

GIRL, CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE IN

THE FRIEND ZONE.

I HAVE ONE FEMALE FRIEND, IT'S

MY MOM.

IF SHE WEREN'T SO OLD I'D

PROBABLY TRY TO BANG HER TOO.

IF YOU GIRLS THINK YOU MARRIED

YOUR BEST FRIEND.

THINK AGAIN.

HE NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THE

NIGHT HE AND HIS REAL BEST

FRIEND SHARED A WHORE IN THE

HOTEL.

NO GIRL WANTS TO TELL HER GAL

PALS REMEMBER THE GUY THAT KEEPS

OFFERING TO TAKE HIP-HOP DANCES

WITH US?

I [BLEEP] HIM NOW.

GOOD LUCK TRYING TO LISTEN YOUR

WAY INTO HER PANTS.

GIVING A GIRL A SHOULDER TO CRY

ON IS THE MOST HUMILIATING WAY

TO GET HER WET BUT HES WITH

TRYING TO TAKE HIS RELATIONSHIP

FROM THE FRIEND ZONE TO THE BONE

ZONE BUT A WOMAN DOESN'T NEED

ANOTHER [BLEEP].

I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR

HIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

WHAT'S UP?

>> HEY.

>> Tosh: LOOK AT YOU.

THAT'S A GOOD OUTFIT.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME OVER.

IS THAT IS BONUS ROOM OR

BEDROOM?

>> CRAFT ROOM.

I MAKE THE ART FOR MY VIDEOS IN

HERE.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

THIS IS WHAT I EXPECTED.

I LOVE YOUR CREEPY SHRINE.

IS THAT A LIVE FEED?

>> I'M SURE SHE WON'T MIND.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

>> Tosh: WHERE YOU FROM, DAVID?

>> ORLANDO.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU AN ACTOR?

>> I AM.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A

LIVING?

>> I TEACH PUPPETRY.

>> Tosh: WITH JUST THIS?

TELL ME WHY YOU MADE THIS VIDEO.

>> I LIKE TO MAKE THINGS.

ACTUALLY I MADE A VIDEO FOR MY

EX-GIRLFRIEND.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE A MADMAN.

TELL ME ABOUT THE FIRST VIDEO.

>> IT WAS FOR A GIRL I DATED

FIVE YEARS.

KATIE WATCHED IT AND ACTUALLY

LIKED IT.

THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY SWEET.

NOW I FELT WEIRD ABOUT THAT

BECAUSE I WAS LIKE I DON'T WANT

YOU WATCHING SOMETHING I MADE

FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

>> Tosh: AND HOW DID YOU KILL

YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND?

HOW DID SHE RECEIVE THE VIDEO

THE FIRST TIME?

>> HAPPY TEARS.

>> Tosh: HAVE HER PARENTS SEEN

THE VIDEO.

>> HER DAD HAS.

>> Tosh: DID HE ASK YOU TO STAY

AWAY FROM HER.

>> INSTEAD OF AN AWESOME

BRACELET REPLACE THE ONE OF A

KIND ONE US LOST BECAUSE OF ME I

DECIDED TO MAKE YOU SOMETHING

INSTEAD.

>> Tosh: WHAT BRACELET DID YOU

LOSE.

>> HE WORE IT FIRST TIME ON YOU

ARE FIRST DAY.

WE HAD AN EPIC FIRST DATE AND

THOUGHT IT FELL OFF ON A

CAROUSEL.

>> Tosh: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

>> YOU MAKE ME HAPPY.

I'D LIKE TO RETURN THE FAVOR.

>> Tosh: IS THE WHOLE NICE THING

AN ACT?

>> I WISH IT WAS.

I CAN'T BE A DOUCHE IF I WANTED

TO BE.

>> Tosh: WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

YOU GOT PISSED OFF?

>> MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

>> Tosh: SO SHE HAD TO GO.

REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT

CUTTING CORNERS TO USE MONEY.

>> USE GREEN SCREEN.

>> Tosh: WAIT.

I WANT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HER

FACE.

KATIE?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY

ROOM.

>> Tosh: GOOD QUESTION FIGMENT

OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

ARE YOU READY TO WATCH DAVID

THROW AWAY ANY DIGNITY HE HAS

LEFT.

>> THIS IS DANIEL FROM FOX.0.

MY FRIEND DAVID HAS SOMETHING TO

SAY TO YOU.

HI, KATIE.

I CAME ALL THE WAY TO HOLLYWOOD,

MORE LIKE HOLLY WEIRD TO TELL

YOU SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

>> Tosh: MUY IMPORTANTE.

>> CUE THE SONG.

KATIE, I LOVE YOU.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU THAT'S

CRAZY TALK AND A WANT THE WORLD

TO KNOW.

CAN'T KEEP IT IN ANY LONGER.

I LOVE KATIE.

I LOVE KATIE MORE THAN GOAT MEAT

CURRY AND I LOVE GOAT MEAT

CURRY.

THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITH ANY

OTHER WOMAN IN THE WORLD MAKES

ME SICK.

I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU

FOREVER HAVE BABIES.

TONS OF BABIES.

BABIES EVERYWHERE.

HE WANTS BABIES FROM YOUR WOMB.

>> OKAY.

RED RUM.

I EVEN ASKED A SWEET OLD COUPLE

TO TELL ME THE SECRET TO A

LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP.

G

GUY HAS NEVER BEEN TO DRIVE INS.

WHETHER I'M UNDER THE SEA OR

GOING TO WIZARD SCHOOL.

THIS IS GETTING CREEPY NOW.

I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU

BECAUSE YOU TURN MY WORLD UPSIDE

DOWN.

IS THAT WEIRD?

NOBODY WATCHING THIS DOESN'T

THINK YOUR A TOTAL [BLEEP]ING

WEIRDO.

IF I CAN'T BE WITH YOU, NO ONE

CAN.

>> HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH HE'S

GOING MURDER YOU.

>> I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU,

KATIE.

>> HE'S GOT A QUESTION.

>> BIG QUESTION.

KATIE -- NOT THAT.

YEAH, THAT ONE.

KATIE, WILL YOU BE MY BEST

FRIEND THE REST OF MY LIFE.

>> YES, YES, YES.

AMAZING.

>> Tosh: I'M [BLEEP]ING YOUR

GIRLFRIEND.

>> Tosh: THANKS, JOHNNY.

WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE THE

MOVIES YOU BLEED JUST TO KNOW

YOUR ALIVE.

WE'LL BE BACK BUT FIRST DID YOU

KNOW THEY HAVE GOVERNMENT IN

CANADA.

>> I COME FROM A BACKGROUND OF

DIVERSITY AND I GREW UP IN

EDMONTON THE CITY OF CHAMPIONS.

REMEMBER THE SAYING, HE SHOOTS,

HE SCORES.

THAT'S HOW BACK OUR FAMILY TIES

BELONG TO IN HIS CITY.

MY DAD WAS ONE OF THE FIRST

PIONEERS.

>> Tosh: I PRAY EVERY SINGLE ONE

OF THEM DROWNS WHILE

INSTAGRAMING AND DRIVING THEIR

CHARTERED YACHT.

OR THE ARROGANT TRUST-FUND

[BLEEP]S ARE THE MOST SELF

INDULGENT PRICKS.

YOUR PARENTS ONLY SPOIL YOU

BECAUSE GIVING YOU AN ISLAND IS

BETTER THAN LOVING YOU AND THE

IMMIGRANT NANNY CARES EVEN LESS.

LOOK AT THIS GUY, GOLFING ON

THEED ME.

YOU [BLEEP]ING [BLEEP] HOLE.

GOLFING WHILE YACHTING?

WAS THERE NO ROOM FOR YOUR

THOROUGHBRED.

THIS GUY'S NOT SO RICH.

HE CAN'T EVEN AFFORD SOCKS YOU

[BLEEP].

I DIDN'T KNOW CHANEL CARRIED A

HELLO KITTY LINE.

GOOD LUCK CARRYING THAT ON YOU

[BLEEP].

#JEWELER.

HE'S NOT A JEWELER.

CONGRATS ON USING FIVE OF

SOMETHING NO ONE USES ANY MORE.

YOU DUMB [BLEEP].

WHO WEARS A WATCH ON THEIR HAND?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY IT'S

EASIER FOR A POOR MAN TO DRIVE

HIS HONDA ACCORD TO HEAVEN THAN

PUTTING A CAMEL IN HIS BUGATTI.

I ASKED FOR PICTURES FOR A NEW

SEGMENT CALLED BROKE [BLEEP]

MOFOS TAKING BROKE-[BLEEP]

PHOTOS FOR "TOSH.0."

YEAH, 69 CENTS.

I CAN GET BEHIND THAT.

LOOK AT THAT, DISPOSABLE RAZORS.

MORE LIKE RAZORS FOR LIFE, SON.

LIVING THE DREAM.

ZONE 3, MIDDLE SEAT.

THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

HAVE TO KEEP THE BIG BILLS ON

THE OUTSIDE.

PAYDAY.

THAT COULD BE GOOD MONEY

ESPECIALLY IN YOU LIVE IN MAINE.

THOSE ARE SPEAKERS AND BY THE

LOOK ON HER FACE I GUESS THE

SUBWOOFERS ARE BETWEEN HER LEGS.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WIC WAS UNTIL

SOMEONE TOLD ME.

SHE'S POOR.

DOUBLE PEGS FOR DOUBLE THE

WOMEN.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A BIG TV SO WE

TAKE TURNS LOOKING TOUGH THE

BIGGAIFIER.

HE LEFT A NEGATIVE TIP.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS LEGAL.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY OUR MOST

WELL-KNOWNED POPULAR, COVET AND

LONGEST-RUNNING SEGMENT, IS IT

RACIST.

OH, I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW

EXCITED I AM FOR THIS ONE.

WE ANSWER THE VEXING QUESTIONS

WITH THE NEW SEGMENT, RACIST OR

NOT RACIST.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

THAT DOES NOT SEEM RACIST.

SEEMS AWFULLY FAMILIAR.

I'M SURE YOU CAN ARGUE IF THEY

DELIBERATELY TOOK THE BIT FROM

US IT COULD BE STEALING AND

STEALING OFTEN GETS ASSOCIATED

WITH CERTAIN RACES, FAIRLY OR

UNFAIRLY.

YES, I SUPPOSE THE CASE COULD BE

MADE THIS IS RACIST BUT I'D LIKE

TO GO ON RECORD AS SAYING I AM

FINE WITH SHARING OUR CONTENT

WITH THE DAILY SHOW SO LONGS

THEY DO THE RIGHT THING AND

THANK ME IN THEIR SPEECH IF THEY

EVER WIN AN EMMY AGAIN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

IT'S YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK TO THE

WILD WORLD STAR HIP-HOP.

NOW, YOU LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

WE HAVE BAD ONES COMING NEXT

WEEK.

>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, GEORGE

W. BUSH FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

>> JOSH GROBAN.

>> HE STILL HAS A BETTER CHANCE

OF GETTING ON SNL THAN A BLACK

LADY.

DIVERSITY.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND KEEP UP

WITH OUR BLOG AND WATCH ME DO

NOTHING BUT CROWD WORK AT A

COMEDY CLUB NEAR YOU AND MY

FAVORITE BERRY IS STRAW BUT

BRICKLE IS A CLOSE SECOND.

YOU HEARD OF AIDS?

THE PORNO INDUSTRY MAKES THEIR

EMPLOYEES GET TESTED EVERY WEEK.

THERE'S NO WAY I'LL LET MY

OFFICE BE LESS SAFE THAN THE SET

OF SOME RANCHY GANGBANG IN VAN

NUYS.

NOW I'M FORCING MY STAFF TO TAKE

THEM EVERY TUESDAY.

ALREADY, YOU JERKS, IT'S TIME

FOR YOUR MANDATORY AIDS TEST.

TAKE YOUR STICKS AND SWIPE ON

TOP AND BOTTOM.

I'M NOT ONE TO JUDGE BUT IF

YOU'RE THINK OF WIPING YOUR

[BLEEP] I THINK WE DON'T NEED TO

TAKE YOUR TEST.

NOW SIT BACK FOR 20 MINUTES AND

WE'LL SEE IF LIFE AS YOU KNOW IS

RUINED.

OKAY.

IT'S BEEN 20 LONG AGONIZING

MINUTES.

OUR TESTS ARE READY.

IF THERE IS ONE LINE NEXT TO THE

C AND NO LINE NEXT TO THE T YOUR

TEST RESULT IS NEGATIVE.

NEGATIVE'S GOOD THOUGH IT SOUNDS

NEGATIVE.

POSITIVE RESULTS, IF THERE ARE

TWO LINES, ONE NEXT TO THE C AND

ONE NEXT TO THE T YOU MAY HAVE

HIV.

IT COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.

LET'S GO AROUND THE ROOM AND

READ THE RESULTS, EDDIE.

>> NO.

>> YAY.

GARRET?

>> NO AIDS.

THANK GOD.

>> Tosh: CHARLIE?

>> AIDS.

>> Tosh: I'M SORRY.

>> I'M KIDDING.

>> Tosh: OH!

SON OF A [BLEEP], MAN, OKAY.

JOE.

>> MY RESULTS WERE PENDING.

>>

>> Tosh: WE FIGURED THAT.

WHAT ABOUT MY AIDS TEST?

TO MAKE IT MORE SUSPENSEFUL I

HAD MY RESULTS PLACE IN A SEALED

ENVELOPE.

LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A DIFFICULT

GROUP TEXT TO SEND OUT.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT USED TO WEARING

SO MANY ACCESSORIES.

>> HAVE YOU TO GET USED TO IT.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY LEATHER CUFFS

DO YOU OWN?

>> HAVE YOU TO HAVE BROWN AND

BLACK.