Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> YOU OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: GREAT.

NOW THERE'S A CRATER IN FRONT ME

OF PEN.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

RIP UP ALL YOUR BOOKS, TIME TO

WATCH TELEVISION.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE REDEEM

THIS HOMELAND SECURITY EXPERT, I

HAVE A BALL CELEBRATING MOVEMBER

AND GIVE MY STAFF A MUCH NEEDED

PURGE.

SOMETIMES IN PE IT'S MORE ABOUT

LEARNING YOUR LIMITS.

WHATEV.

CARTWHEELS ARE STUPID ANYHOW.

THE ONLY FLOOR ROUTINE TO BE

JUDGED ON THE RICHTER SCALE.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT

IT'S POOR SHUFFLEBOARD STRATEGY.

SOMEONE'S GOING TO KNOCK HER

OUT.

GIVE THAT BIG OLE BISCUIT A

TOWEL.

IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH

SHUFFLE BOARD YOU WEREN'T FORCED

TO GO TO FORT MEYERS ONCE A YEAR

AS A KID.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU DRIVE

AND FILM AT THE SAME TIME.

>> SIT DOWN.

>> Tosh: HE'S TERRIFIED TO BE

RIDING WITH A FEMALE DRIVER.

>> STOP.

HE JUST [BLEEP] IN MY CAR!

>> Tosh: BAD OWNER.

THAT DOG DID EVERYTHING BUT SAY

PULL OVER.

DON'T WORRY, THOSE CLOTH SEATS

WILL SOAK THAT DIARRHEA RIGHT

UP.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HER CAR

ALREADY IS FILLED WITH GARBAGE.

SO AWKWARD WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND

[BLEEP]S IN YOUR CAR.

MY MANAGER CHRISTIE SMITH ONCE

POOPED IN MY CAR.

SHE'LL SAY SHE DIDN'T.

SHE DID.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S HOW GAY COUPLES HAVE TO

SNEAK AROUND IN RUSSIA.

WHAT IS THIS AN OLD HONEYMOONERS

EPISODE?

NEVER USE YOUR SATIN SHEETS TO

MAKE A GETAWAY ROPE.

IT'S JUST TOO SLICK.

YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER

BUT YOU CAN'T CHEAT ON GRAVITY.

THAT'S WHY I OATH BANG MARRIED

WOMEN WHO LIVE ON THE GROUND

FLOOR.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT CAR

DEALERSHIPS COULDN'T GET MORE

UNBEARABLE.

NICE DANCE MOVES YOU LYING PIECE

OF [BLEEP].

TALKED NOERJTS FAMILY OUT OF A

FORD FUSION.

MAKES YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE.

DOING THE ROBOT SELLING ASIAN

CAR.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

YOU WANT TO SEE SOME GOOD

DANCING, HEAD DOWN TO CERRITOS

AUTO SQUARE AND FEET DANIEL

TOSH'S CHRYSLER 300 DEALERSHIP.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WE MAKE MOST OF OUR

MONEY ON AFTERMARKET WINDOW

TINTING.

NOW ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST

EXCITING MOMENT IN FISHING

HISTORY?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

[CHEERING]

>> Tosh: SHUT UP, YOU'RE GONNA

SCARE THE FISH!

>> YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO CATCH

THINGS WITH SWORDS FOR NOSES.

GUESS CAPTAIN PHILLIPS ISN'T AS

BRAVE AS HOLLYWOOD WOULD HAVE

YOU BELIEVE.

TO BE FAIR THERE WASN'T ROOM

ENOUGH IN THE BOAT FOR ALL FOUR.

NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS WHEN

GO HUNTING.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: YOU AIN'T EVER GOING TO

TAKE ME ALIVE, DEER.

HOW THE HECK A BIG OLE DUCK BE

THERE.

BECAUSE IT'S A REINDEER AND

REINDEERS CAN FLY.

THAT'S RIGHT A CHRISTMAS JOKE A

WEEK EARLIER THIS YEAR.

GET USED TO IT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S COMING UP

NEXT?

>> Tosh: IS THAT THOR COMING

BACK TO THIS REALM?

NOW LET'S WATCH THAT ADRENALINE

JUNKIE OD IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

I WOULD LOVE TO TRY BASE JUMPING

BUT SINCE MY I.Q.'S OVER 50 I'M

NOT ALLOWED, LEGALLY.

WHEN YOU LIVE IN MORALON LAND

YOU HAVE TO TAKE EXTREME

MEASURES.

LET'S GO TO THE CRASH SITE.

>> WELL, THAT DIDN'T GO GOOD.

>> Tosh: YOU MEAN THAT DIDN'T GO

WELL.

AT LEAST HE'S ALIVE.

MIDDLE-AGED MEN SHOULD ONLY JUMP

OFF A CLIFF WHEN HIS WIFE

DISCOVERS HIS SECRET FAMILY.

>> SORRY, MOM.

>> Tosh: SORRY, MOM?

AS LONG AS YOU DIDN'T LAND IN

HER HYDRANGEAS I BET SHE'S OVER

IT.

CRAZEIEST THING IS HIS MOM'S

STILL ALIVE.

>> THINK I LOST MY LEG ON THAT

ONE.

>> Tosh: QUIT BEING DRAMATIC.

HOW BAD CAN IT POSSIBLY BE?

IS IS IT BAD?

I CAN'T LOOK BASED ON YOUR

REACTIONS I'M GUESSING HIS SHOE

CAME UNTIED?

TRY WIGGLING YOUR BONES.

HE'LL NEVER BASE JUMP AGAIN OR

REGULAR JUMP.

LEAST NATURE DID ALL THE SAWING

FOR YOU.

NOW YOU CAN USE YOUR FOOT AS A

SNACK.

ROLL IT AROUND IN SOME CUMIN,

THROW IT IN THE SMOKER.

THAT'S GOOD EATING.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

THERE'S GOOD NEWS.

HE DIDN'T LOSE HIS LEG.

HE JUST HAD IT PATCHED UP IN

THIS GUY'S WORK SHOP.

I'M NOT DOCTOR BUT D-ROSE WOULD

TELL TO YOU STAY OFF IT A COUPLE

DAYS AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

FIRST IT'S MY FAVORITE GAMBLING

ONLINE EXPERT EAT DAT [BLEEP]

445.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON, HOMEY.

JAYS AN CARDINALS.

WHOO [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

THIS GAME.

>> IN THIS VIDEO YOU HAVE A

STRANGER, A RAPIST COME INTO THE

DOOR.

A YOUNG WIFE SAT HOME BY

HERSELF.

AND THE RAPIST KNOWS SHE'S AT

HOME BY HERSELF.

THE YOUNG LADY TELLS THE MAN

THAT HER HUSBAND IS GONE BUT HER

BROTHER IS INSIDE.

SHE GOES AND SHE PRESSES THE

SECURITY OFFICER JAY -- AND THE

RAPIST THINKS ANOTHER MALE

FIGURE IS IN THE HOUSE AND HE

RETREATS AS SOON AS HE HEARS

ANOTHER MALE'S VOICE.

THIS MAY HAVE SAVED HER LIFE.

>> Tosh: THE HARDEST PART OF

KEEPING YOUR HOME SAFE IS

FINDING A BOOMBOX.

THE WRITER, DIRECTOR AND STAR OF

THE INFOE MERCIAL IS SECURITY

JAY AND HE CREATED THE GREATEST

CRIME PREVENTION DEVICE.

HIS DETERRENT WOULD BE NUMBER

ONE IN THE URBAN SECURITY

CHARTS.

HOW COME THEY NEVER MAKE THE

INTRUDERS FEMALE.

THAT'S JUST SEXIST.

THE FIRST THING THEY TEACH IN

CRIMINAL SCHOOL IS EVERYONE WITH

A TINY SECURITY SIGN STUCK ON

THEIR FRONT LAWN IS LYING.

YOU WANT THE BEST SECURITY

SYSTEM LOAD A GUN.

THEY'RE SAFE, EASY TO USE AND

THEY ADD AN INTERESTING LITTLE

WHAT-IF SCENARIO TO ALL YOUR

LATE-NIGHT DOMESTIC SQUABBLES.

THE EASIEST PLACE TO BREAK INTO

IS A TREE HOUSE.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SAFE

DON'T LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD

WHERE OVERZEALOUS VOLUNTEERS

TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN

HANDS.

ZIMMERMAN.

THE SCARIEST HOME INVASION WILL

BE WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND TRIES TO

MOVE IN.

HE KNOWS WHAT THE REPUBLICANS

PROVED WHEN THEY CHOREOGRAPHED

9-11.

FEAR IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS THAT'S

WHERE I FLEW HIM TO LAX FOR THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> WHO'S OUT THERE?

>> Tosh: ME, DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE A RAPIST.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT A RAPIST.

>> YOU'RE A RAPIST.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT A RAPIST.

IS JAY HERE.

>> COME ON IN.

COME ON.

>> Tosh: OH.

>> HAND IT OVER.

>> Tosh: OH.

YOU ALWAYS CARRY ONE OF THESE

WHEN I GO TO ATLANTA.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

>> OUT.

>> Tosh: JAY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> HOW YOU DOING, TOSH.

NIC TO MEET YOU TOO?

>> Tosh: AREN'T YOU GOING

OVERBOARD?

>> CAN'T BE TOO SAFE.

>> Tosh: IS THERE CRIME IN

ATLANTA?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: ARE THERE ARE POLICE?

>> THE ONES THAT STILL ARE

ALIVE.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU AN OFFICER?

>> A SECURITY OFFICER.

>> Tosh: SO SECURITY'S YOUR

BUSINESS?

>> I TAKE SERIOUSLY.

>> Tosh: WHAT MADE YOU CREATE

THE VIDEO?

>> IT STARTED WITH ME NEEDING

SOME KIND OF SOUND EFFECT IN MY

HOUSE SO I COULD DETER BURGLARS

AN THUGS AND THIEVES FROM

BREAKING IN.

I HAD A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE

EVERYBODY BROKE INTO MY HOME AND

A HAD STUDIO EQUIPMENT SO I

ENDED UP GETTING MY STUDIO

EQUIPMENT TOGETHER AND MAKING

DOG SOUNDS.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS YOU NOT A REAL

DOG.

>> NOT A REAL DOG, IT WAS ME.

>> Tosh: WHO MAKES A BETTER DOG

NOISE, YOU, DMX OR MICHAEL

WINSLOW.

>> I WOULD GIVE IT TO ME BECAUSE

I COULD BE THE BIGGEST OR

LIGHTEST VOICE

I KIND POODLE.

>> Tosh: DOES THE CD WORK?

>> MY SON SAID HIS FRIENDS

THOUGHT THEY THOUGHT THE DOOR

WAS CRACKED OR SOMETHING AND ONE

DAY I DECIDED MAYBE I CAN HELP

OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD A

DOG.

>> Tosh: A DOG'S A LOT OF

RESPONSIBILITY.

>> YOU HAVE TO CLEAN THEM

>> Tosh: THOUGH YOU THEY GIVE

YOU LOVE.

HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO

PRODUCE?

>> ABOUT FOUR DOLLARS A CD.

>> Tosh: I THOUGHT FOUR DOLLARS

THE WHOLE PRODUCTION VALUE.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY UNITS HAVE YOU

SOLD.

>> I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS HOW

MANY UNITS I'VE SOLD.

>> Tosh: HAS IT GONE PLATINUM.

>> NO, NOT YET.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU LIKE EDDIE

MURPHY IN THE BOOTH DOING ALL

THE VOICES OF OTHER GUYS OR ARE

OTHER ACTORS.

>> I'M DOING ALL THE VOICES.

>> GET EM, JAY.

>> Tosh: WHO'S YOUR DREAM

CELEBRITY CAMEO?

>> RUSSEL SIMMONS OR DONALD

TRUMP.

>> Tosh: I'D GO MORGAN FREEMAN.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS

VOICE THOUGH PEOPLE MAY NOT WANT

TO LEAVE LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN'S

IN THIS APARTMENT I NEED TO GET

IN THERE AND HELP HIM.

THAT COULD A PROBLEM.

WHAT'S THE BACKUP PLAN IF THE CD

HAPPENS TO SKIP?

>> THE CUSTOMER THAT PURCHASED

THE PRODUCT WOULD HAVE TO

PURCHASE A NEW CD.

>> Tosh: IN THAT MOMENT THEY'D

HAVE TO GO OUT AND PURCHASE A

NEW CD?

HAVE YOU EVER DONE PERSONAL

SECURITY?

>> I DO MY BEST TO DO WHAT A CAN

AND MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SECURE.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE LIKE LIAM.

>> HOPEFULLY THE KNIFE'S IN THE

POCKET AND NOT IN THE FRONT.

>> Tosh: YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO

CUT HIMSELF.

THAT'S YOUR SIGN?

>> BREAK-INS, SECURITY OFFICER

JAC.COM RAPE.

FOR BREAK-INS AN RAPES HELPING

WON AND CHILDREN.

>> Tosh: HELPS SOME MEN.

>> SOME MEN GET RAPED SOMETIMES.

>> Tosh: WE DON'T QUANTITY TO

TALK IT.

>> BUT I'M NOT GOING UP IN NO

PEN TO HELP SOMEONE.

>> Tosh: I HAVE ONE WORD FOR

YOU.

>> WHAT YOU GOT?

>> Tosh: APPS.

WE HAVE SECURITY OVER J-A-Y AT

YOUR FINISH TIPS AND I'M GOING

TO TAKE 98 CENTS PER APP YOU

SELL.

>> THE APP THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE

FROM MORE CRIME.

RELIGION IS A PERSONAL CHOICE

AND WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR DOOR

TELL IT TO GO TO HELL.

>> QUIET OUT THERE WE'RE A BUNCH

OF JEHOVA WITNESSES TRYING TO

PRAY.

DON'T COME BACK LATER.

WE'LL BE PRAYING THEN TOO.

>> WHY KEEP THE SETTINGS WHEN HE

CAN TUNE IT FOR YOU.

>> THE $40 MILLION TRANSACTION

WENT THROUGH.

>> AND IF YOU WORK FROM HOME THE

LAST THING YOU NEED ARE

DISTRACTIONS.

>> POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR.

>> GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL

IN HERE, FELLAS.

SEE YOU BACK AT THE STATION.

>> AND REMEMBER, NEVER GET HIGH

ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY.

NEED MORE PRIVACY WHILE TUGGING

ON YOUR MEAT THIMBLE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> OKAY, I'M A MATH TUTOR.

CARRY THE NUMBER AND SUB TRACT

BY FIVE.

>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDLY

NEIGHBOR THAT WANTS TO COME

OVER.

>> THERE AIN'T NO KIDS IN HERE

JUST SOME LOOSE OLD SENIOR

CITIZENS.

>> MOVE TO THAILAND, BUDDY.

ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE THREE MORE

COPIES OF THE APP HAS IT WILL

TAKE UP SPACE ON YOUR PHONE OR

NEVER BEFORE SEEN EMOTICONS AND

A CAREER SUBSCRIPTION TO EBONY

MAGAZINE AND BOOTS AND ONE, TWO,

THREE AND SIX OF MR. BELVEDERE

AND AN UNNEUTERED PIT BULL.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED WHICH IS

EVERYWHERE.

>> Tosh: HE WORKS IN MY OFFICE

AND HE'S NOT A PEDOPHILE BUT A

METHOD ACTOR.

FIRST, BOSS, I APPRECIATE THE

SECOND CHANCE AFTER THE CRANE

AND TIRE FIASCO BUT I THINK

OUGHT TO KNOW YOUR WIFE'S CAR

MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY SCRATCHED.

>> HERE WE GO, COME ON, OVER.

OH, OH, OH.

UP AND OVER.

WE'RE OUT.

UH-OH.

[BLEEP]

>> THIS WEEK'S TEST GROUP IS THE

WOLFERINGS AN AUSSIE FOOTBALL

TEAM THAT'S TAKING BALL SKILLS

TO A NEW LEVEL BY TACKLING

TESTICULAR CANCER FOR AGAINST.

THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.

ARE YOU ALL READY?

THIS IS THE BIG MOMENT.

TOWELS OFF, PLEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: GROW UP.

WE TAKE SOME THINGS SERIOUSLY

AROUND HERE AND TESTICLES TEND

TO BE HIGH ON MY LIST.

BALL SACKS ARE LIKE WRINKABLY

SNOWFLAKES EACH ONE IS UNIQUE

AND THEY'RE FUN TO PUT ON YOUR

TONGUE BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT

TO CHECK EMFOR LUMPS.

>> EXAMINING YOUR TESTICLES IS

EASY.

LOOK FOR ANYTHING THAT WASN'T

THERE THE LAST TIME.

>> Tosh: QUESTION, WHEN DO WE

GET TO JERK OFF?

>> MAYBE USING A MIRROR IF YOU

NEED TO SEE THEM MORE CLEARLY.

LOOK HOW THEY HANG, ANY SWELLING

OR LUMPS OR BUMPS?

>> Tosh: MIRROR, MIRROR ON MY

BALLS WHO'S THE SMOOTHEST OF

THEM ALL.

YOU ARE, DANIEL.

>> HOW DO THEY HANG?

DOES ONE HANG LOWER THAN THE

OTHER?

ACTUALLY, MOSTLY IT'S NORMAL.

>> Tosh: I'M GLAD HE SAID IT'S

NORMAL FOR YOUR BALLS TO HANG

DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE ONE OF MINE

STARTING REACHING FOR A SHOE

THIS MORNING.

>> WAY THUMB AND TWO FINGERS

HOLD THE SKIN OF THE SCROTUM AND

LET IT SLIDE THROUGH LIKE A

PEELED BOIL EGG IN A BAG OF

FLUID.

>> Tosh: PEELED BOILED EGG IN A

BAG OF FLUID?

ARE WE SURE HE'S A DOCTOR?

MAYBE HE'S THE GUY THAT TAPES

THE ANKLES.

CANNER IS NO JOKE.

THAT'S WHERE EACH NOVEMBER MEN

GROW MUSTACHES.

I'M SORRY YOUR CANCER IS EATING

YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

I'LL GROW A MUSTACHE.

I TOOK MOVEMBER AND TOOK IT

DOWNTOWN.

I'M RAISING AWARENESS BY GROWING

A'STACHE IN MY PANTS.

NOT JUST ANY'STACHE I TURNED MY

SACK INTO THE HULKAMANIA.

BEHOLD.

LOOK AT THAT FIVE AND A HALF

INCH PYTHON.

WHY'S IT BLOND?

I WAS ALREADY BLEACHING DOWN

THERE.

WHY NOT, BUBBA.

GETTING YOURSELF A GOOD OLD

GANDER ON?

DRINK IT IN.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR VIEWER VINE OF

THE WEEK.

>> JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

>> Tosh: REAL SAFE.

HIS BLOOD IS PURE RED WINE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN

BEING A FREE SPIRIT AND EATING

PIGEONS OVER AN OVERPASS.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

YES, I SMOKE CRACK.

ALL I CAN DO IS APOLOGIZE AND

MOVE ON.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, I REDEEM

THE LORD OF THE FRIEND ZONE.

>> HEY, THERE, KATIE.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

>> YAY.

MAYBE WAS THE SILLY VOICE.

EITHER WAY I KNEW IT WAS THE

BEGINNING OF OUR AWESOME

FRIENDSHIP.

>> OR MAYBE MORE?

>> PLEASE, SIR, I WANT SOME

MORE.

>> YAY.

>> Tosh: THAT KATIE IS A LUCKY

GUY.

FOLLOW ME ON THE PUBLICLY TRADED

COMPANY KNOWN AS TWITTER.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG WHICH

RECENTLY WAS RAILED NUMBER SIX

WORLDWIDE.

DID YOU KNOW I DO STANDUP

COMEDY.

CHECK IT OUT SOMETIME I'M

GETTING BETTER AND BRICKLEBERRY.

FINALLY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE

PURGE?

IT'S A MOVIE THAT HAD A GREAT

CONCEPT BUT TERRIBLE EXECUTION.

DOES STAR ETHAN HAWKE WHO IS

ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL.

FOR ONE DAY A YEAR ALL CRIME

LEGAL FOR 12 HOURS INCLUDING

MURDER YET ODDLY NO SEX CRIMES

ARE COMMITTED.

YOU SEE THE NEW FOUNDING FATHERS

THOUGHT IN WAS WAY TO GET THE

VIOLENCE OUT OF OUR SYSTEM IT

WOULD GET RID OF CRIME AND

REDUCE POVERTY.

THAT'S THE FORWARD THINKING I

CAN GET BEHIND AND ONE A SEASON

I'VE INSTITUTED A 12-SECOND

PURGE IN OUR OFFICE.

>> I SEE YOU ALL SUPPORT THE

PURGE.

EVERYONE NOTICED YOU PUT UP A

NEW CHANDELIER IN YOUR OFFICE.

>> HAD A GOOD YEAR.

REMEMBER, TODAY ALLOWS PEOPLE A

RELIEF OF EVERYTHING THEY'VE HAD

PENT UP INSIDE THEM.

>> OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.

THE PURGE STARTS IN FIVE

SECONDS.

>> IT SNUCK UP ON ME.

>> NO, NO, NO!

>> RELEASE THE BEASTS.

>> Tosh: GOD, BLESS OUR NEW

FOUNDING FATHERS.

TURN THE LIGHTS ON AND GO BACK

TO WORK.

WITH ALL THAT PUKING, YOU'D

THINK THEY'D BE A LOT SKINNIER.

GOOD NIGHT.

>>

>> DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE HOME

ALONE?

>> YES I DID.

>> Tosh: DID YOU THINK HE DID A

GOOD JOB OF SECURING HIS HOME?

>> I THINK HE DID FOR A YOUNG