Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: AT LEAST THE ROADSIDE

MEMORIAL WILL HAD A SPLASH OF

COLOR TO THE LONELY STRETCH OF

HIGHWAY.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR EXTRA

HOUR?

I DIDN'T SET MY CLOCKS BACK.

I'M LIVING IN THE FUTURE.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TUTOR HIS

TROUBLED TEEN, WE GET STRAIGHT

TALK FROM THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE TO BE ON THE SHOW AND

MY FANS OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE

CRITICISM FOR COMEDY CENTRAL.

NOW I WONDER IF MY FANS EVER

COMPLETED ANYTHING ON THE

SKATEBOARD.

THERE ARE WORSE WAY IT COULD

HAVE ENDED.

BEAUTIFUL DAY THOUGH.

NOW WHO'S GOING TO PICK UP HIS

SHIFT AT THE MALL PIERCING

KIOSK.

ALL RIGHT, EVEN MICHELANGELO

DIDN'T HAVE TO COVER THIS MUCH

SPACE.

THAT IS GONNA LOOK GREAT THROUGH

THE WET T-SHIRT HE WEARS IN THE

POOL.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WEIGHT

OF THE LORD.

HE WAS OUT OF INK ANYWAY.

NOTHING HONORS OUR LORD AND

SAVIOR MORE THAN USING HIS

IMAGINE AS A DUDE'S TRAMP STAMP.

NOW HERE'S A COUPLE GUYS THAT

CAUGHT THEMSELVES SOME MAHI

MAHI.

NOW IT'S JUST MAHI.

EIGHT HOURS OF DRINKING BEER ON

A BOAT FOR NOTHING.

THAT'S THE SAME WAY TANNEHILL

HOLDS THE FOOTBALL.

YOU NEED TWO HANDS.

HAVE YOU TO HAVE PRESENCE OF

MIND TO FEEL THE POCKET

COLLAPSING.

YOU HAD ONE JOB, PELICAN.

I THINK THE CHARTER COMPANY AND

SEA LION ARE IN CAHOOTS.

I LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE SEA

LIONS WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU

LOVE.

>> I LOVE THE SEA.

>> MOST CERTAINLY, DARLING.

>> MOMMY, WHY ARE THERE POOR

PEOPLE?

>> GOOD-BYE MY SON.

>> I WILL AVENGE YOUR DEATH,

MOTHER.

FROM THIS DAY FORTH I SHALL BE

KNOWN SIMPLY AS SEALION MAN.

>> I'M A SEAL.

>> SEAL MAN IT IS.

>> Tosh: NOW WHENEVER THEY NEED

ME COMMISSIONER GORDON FISHERMAN

SHINES THIS INTO THE SKY.

OKAY.

CHECK OUT HIS FLIPPING BALL

BUSTER.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Tosh: NICE TITS.

THAT'S STILL ALL I NOTICED.

AH, I KNEW IT WAS A BAD MOVE FOR

TEXAS TO OUTLAW ABORTION.

IN FIVE YEARS SHE'LL BE WEARING

HEELS AND IT WON'T BE FREE.

DON'T PROMISE THE STUFFED ANIMAL

IF YOU CAN'T DELIVER.

JUST BE GLAD THE DIDN'T POMMEL

HORSE YOUR PRIVATES.

OKAY.

DON'T DISMOUNT UNTIL I CLIMAX.

HOPEFULLY I'LL GET TO REPRESENT

OUR COUNTRY IN THE PAIN

OLYMPICS.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

WAIT UNTIL YOUR PARENTS LEAVE

AND TURN OFF SAFE SEARCH AND

ENJOY.

NOW HERE'S WHY YOU IMMEDIATE

PERMISSION SLIPS FOR FIELD

TRIPS.

THEY LEARNED MORE IN TEN SECONDS

THAN THEY WILL THE REST OF THEIR

LIVES.

KIDS, IF YOU LIKE THE SHOW LET

THE HAT KNOW.

LET'S MOVE ON.

KEEP HOLDING THE ROPE AND TRY

NOT TO STEP ON USED CONDOMS.

NEXT.

>> Tosh: YEAH, CAN WE GET A

SECOND PERSON PREFERABLY ONE

THAT CAN BREAK THE SPORT.

NOW LET'S LEARN WHY SOME BLACK

BELTS ARE JUST THERE TO HOLD

YOUR PANTS UP IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO SCOT LAND YOU

[BLEEP].

AS THE REST OF THE WORD KNOWS IT

IS ENGLAND'S TOILET.

ONLY THING SCOTLAND'S GOOD FOR

IS GUARDING YOUR FURNITURE

AGAINST SPILLS.

NO WONDER SHEEP RUN THE COUNTRY.

ALWAYS BLAME THE HOLDER.

WHAT A WASTE TO THE TRADITION OF

SCOTLAND.

IT'S SLUGGISH FROM ALL THE YUMMY

HAGGIS HE HAD FOR BRUNCH.

LOSE THE SHOES McNINJA.

I DON'T REMEMBER BRUCE LEE

WEARING PRO KEDS

YOU CAN'T BREAK THE BOARD AT

LEAST YOU CAN VIGOROUSLY BEAT

IT.

HOPEFULLY YOU CAN SAVE YR

DIGNITY IF IT'S INFESTED WITH

TERMITES.

WE HAVE TWO GUYS AND HIS SHOES

ARE BACK ON.

THERE'S NO WAY IT DOESN'T WORK.

HIP-HIP HOORAY.

CONGRATULATIONS ON IN THE GIVING

UP 500 TRIES AGO.

HE MAY HAVE A SPLINTER IN HER

EYEBALL.

CUE THE BAGPIPE.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, LITTLE

GIRL.

YOU WERE ALMOST AN ADULT THAT

DOES KARATE.

BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T HIT THE LOCH

NESS MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SURE IT

CAN TEAR YOU IN HALF LIKE A

PHONE BOOK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

HERE'S WHY THEY CALL IT A BOX

CAR.

>> I'M TRYING.

>> IF YOU WOULD JUST GET UP

INSTEAD OF HAND THEM A PACKET

THIS KID LAUGH.

THEY NEED TO LEARN FACE TO FACE.

YOU WANT KIDS TO COME INTO YOUR

CLASS YOU WANT THEM TO GET

EXCITED FOR THIS, YOU HAVE TO

COME IN HERE AND MAKE THEM

EXCITED.

YOU WANT A KID TO CHANGE AND

START DOING BETTER YOU HAVE TO

TOUCH HIS TRYING TO HEART.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE

BY JUST TELLING HIM.

I'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

SINCE I GOT HERE I'VE BEEN

NOTHING BUT READING PACKETS.

SO DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIBILITY

FOR TEACHING ME JACK.

>> Tosh: WILL SOMEBODY START

SHOOTING ALREADY.

THAT SCHOLAR WITH THE SPLIT ENDS

IS JEFF AND WHEN HE'S NOT

CLOGGING DRAINS WITH THE HORSE

TAIL HE'S LEADING A ONE-ROOM

REVOLUTION AGAINST UNINSPIRING

TEACHERS.

HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GLEE, TONS

OF KIDS DYING OF DRUG OVERDOSES.

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SCHOOL

IS HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS AFTER

THEIR FIRST PERIOD OR THEIR

HOMEROOM, WHENEVER.

BUT LET'S STOP CALLING IT

SCHOOL.

THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE IN ASIA.

WHAT WE HAVE IS DAYCARE.

PEOPLE SAY IT'S A THANKLESS JOB

BUT YOU GET SUMMERS OFF SO EAT

YOUR FREE APPLE AND SHUT THE

HELL UP.

THE ONLY TEACHER THAT DESERVES

CREDIT IS A SPECIAL ED TEACHER

THEY CONSTANTLY CAN GET

ASSAULTED BY A 22-YEAR-OLD.

JUST GOOGLE, COPY, PASTE, FIX

THE MARGINS, THE END.

NO ONE OF CARES ABOUT YOUR GPA.

THE ONLY NUMBER THAT MATTERS IS

NET WORTH.

I WENT TO UCF.

MY HEAD WRITER WENT TO HARVARD.

GUESS WHO TELLS WHO WHAT THE

[BLEEP] TO DO.

HOW COME WE DON'T MAKE THE

TEACHERS MOVE DURING CLASSES

THAT WAY WE ONLY HAVE TEN PEOPLE

MOVING INSTEAD OF 700 ZIT-FACED

JUNKIES EVERY HOUR.

JUST BRAIN STORMING.

ALL RAPUNZEL WANT TO DO IS

REFORM AND I FLEW HIM TO

CALIFORNIA WHERE THE TEACHERS

ARE THE HIGHEST PAID IN THE

NATION BUT THE STUDENTS RANK

48th IN MATH AND 49th IN READING

FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE

GLORY, GLORY.

RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE

GLORY, GLORY CHILDREN OF THE

LORD.

THE LORD SAID TO NOAH THERE'S

GONNA BE A FLOOD.

THERE'S GONNA BE A FLOOD.

GET THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE

MUDDY CHILDREN OF THE LORD.

>> I'M UP.

>> Tosh: TIME TO LEARN.

SO GLAD THE COURT LET ME ADOPT

YOU FOR ONE DAY SO I CAN HOME

SCHOOL YOU.

THAT CONCLUDES THE SPANISH

LESSON.

SURE THAT WAS NICER THAN IT

SOUNDED.

NORMALLY THIS IS WHEN I WOULD

INTERVIEW YOU BUT I'M BURNED OUT

SO I PREPARED A PACKET OF

QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK YOU.

>> QUESTION ONE, DO I HAVE SO

TELL MY PARTNER IF THERE'S BLOOD

IN ANY SEMEN.

>> Tosh: WRONG QUESTION.

I'D APPRECIATE IF YOU RESPECT

ANY PRIVACY.

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> DALLAS.

>>

>> Tosh: YOU LIKE IT?

>> YES, NO.

>> Tosh: WALK US WHAT HAPPENED

S&P

>> WE DIDN'T GET THE SAME AMOUNT

OF TIME AND TOLD THEM TO QUICK

BITCHING SO I WENT OFF.

>> Tosh: YOU WERE FINISHING A

TEST YOU STARTED THE DAY BEFORE.

YOU SO START A TEST, GO HOME,

CHEAT LIKE CRAZY AND COME BACK

AND FINISH.

>> IF YOU WANTED TO I GUESS.

>> Tosh: THIS TEACHER HAS TONS

OF FLAWS.

DO YOU HOW MUCH TEACHERS MAKE?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT

TAKING CREDIBILITY.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CREDIT.

IT WAS ALMOST A PERFECT SPEECH.

WHY DO YOU POINT SO MUCH WHEN

YOU'RE TALKING?

>> SHOW AUTHORITY.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S SUBJECT WAS

THAT?

>> WORLD HISTORY.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR BEST

SUBJECT?

>> WORLD HISTORY.

>> Tosh: REALLY?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PERIOD OF

HISTORY TO STUDY?

>> PRESENT.

WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.

>> Tosh: DOESN'T SEEM LIKE

THAT'S HISTORY.

>> IT'S THE PRESENT.

IT'S HISTORY NOW.

>> Tosh: DON'T PULL SHENANIGANS

WITH ME.

DO YOU SMOKE WEED?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: EVER?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: THAT'S A LIE.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF

THE BAND NELSON.

>> YOU LOST ME THERE.

>> Tosh: OH.

YOU'L LOVE THEM.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL GRADUATE ON

TIME?

>> I'M ALREADY BEHIND.

>> Tosh: HOW FAR?

>> A YEAR.

>> Tosh: DID YOU SKIP, QUIT?

>> LEFT.

>> Tosh: THAT WORKED WELL FOR

PEOPLE.

FORGET ABOUT THE CHITCHAT I

FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART

YOU CAN'T LEARN HISTORY FROM A

BOOK.

HAVE YOU TO EXPERIENCE.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> Tosh: A PHONE BOOK.

PEOPLE USED THESE DISGUSTING

THINGS BEFORE CELL PHONES.

THIS IS FROM BILL AND TED'S

BOGUS JOURNEY.

NOW PUT THOSE ON.

>> I'M DANIEL TOSH LOGAN AND

WE'RE ABOUT TO LEARN HISTORY.

NOW WE CAN NEVER GO BACK TO

EQUINOX.

REAL FUNNY LOCK EVERYBODY IN THE

CELLAR, HITLER.

>> CAN I GO HOME NOW?

>> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP, CARL.

YOU CAN'T TAKE A WHIMP LIKE YOU

BULLYING ME FROM SIXTH GRADE

I OWE YOU WON.

KNOCK IT OFF.

JEFF, WE'VE BEEN TRAVELLING

THROUGH TIME ALL DAY.

TELL US WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED.

>> CARL, YOU WERE DANIEL'S

CHILDHOOD BULLY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A SECOND

TO ANALYZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING

ON WHEN YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

AND THE EL CAMINO IS NO CAR FOR

A GUY AND YOU LOOK GREAT FOR A

WOMAN THAT BIRTHED THE PLANET.

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEM AREAS.

BEAUTY IS IMPERFECTION.

>> SOMETHING'S IN MY THROAT.

>> HITLER, WHY DO I EVEN BEGIN?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE KNOWN THAT'S

BIGGEST PRICK IN THE HISTORY OF

THE WORLD.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND

HAVE SOME CONVERSATIONS WITH

SOME JEWS.

HONESTLY THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.

SOME ARE COOL AND TELL ME DON'T

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IN A PAIR

OF KHAKI SHORTS.

AND MICHAEL JACKSON YOU'LL BE

THE KING OF POP ONE DAY.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE YOU'LL

HAVE FUN BEING A KID.

>> Tosh: YOU GET AN A.

NOW TAKE EVERYBODY BACK.

BYE.

I KEEPING APPLES.

MISS YOU THE MOST, BUDDY.

NOT SO FAST, JACKAL YOU'RE

BETTER OFF HERE.

>> WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHER?

>> Tosh: AND YOU STAY I'LL CALL

YOU MONKEY.

STAY EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.

OKAY.

NOW SING ME MAN IN THE MIRROR OR

YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE SHED.

>> I DON'T KNOW THAT SONG.

>> Tosh: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME

FALLING ASLEEP LATER SO I GAVE

HIM A LITTLE PROPOFOL.

THAT'S SAFE, RIGHT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

WITH THE HOLIDAYS AROUND THE

CORNER I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A

GOOD TIME TO BRING BACK JULIE TO

TEACH US ALL HOW TO PARTY LAUGH.

>> I'M JULIE AND I'M GOING TO

DEMONSTRATE PARTY LAUGHTER.

OOH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> MY NAME IS PATTI.

I'M A NO-PARTY INDEPENDENT FOR

THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED

STATES.

FOR 18 MONTHS I'VE BEEN A VICTIM

THAT LISTENS TO MY PRIVATE

THOUGHTS.

AT THIS TIME MY COMMUNICATORS

WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK OF THE

SCIENCE.

ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A

CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA

[ GIBBERISH ]

>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE YOU LADIES

WILL FINALLY GET SOMEONE IN THE

WHITE HOUSE.

RARELY DOES A PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE SPEAK TO MY INTERESTS

THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE MORE

HONORED TO HAVE HER AS MY GUEST

TONIGHT.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS

AND HELP ME WELCOME TAMMI.

>> HI, DANIELLE.

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO

TALK ON YOUR SHOW TODAY.

ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A

CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA

>> I'M DOING OKAY.

THIS IS MY FIRST FORMAL

INTERVIEW SINCE I ENTERED THE

FIELD OF POLITICS APPROXIMATELY

40 MONTHS AGO.

ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A

CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA

>> I'M A PERSON THAT DOES NOT

MARRIED JUST SINGLE.

[ GIBBERISH ]

.

>> EINSTEIN IS SIMILAR TO MYSELF

IN THAT I NEVER SPOKE IN THE AGE

OF THREE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THE SCIENCE IS

ABLE TO MOVE YOUR BODY, DRIVE

YOU, WALK YOU AND SPEAK YOU.

[ GIBBERISH ]

>> IT'S STRONG COMING DOWN FROM

THE SKY YOU CAN BREAK A LEG.

I HAVE A SEVERED HAND FROM

ENERGY FROM USING MY PC FOR SIX

HOURS.

[ GIBBERISH ]

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, DANIEL.

GOOD-BYE.

>> Tosh: GOOD-BYE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESUMPTUOUS

BUT I THINK SHE'S GOING TO GET

EATEN ALIVE AT THE IOWA CAUCUS.

NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF

THE WEEK.

>> YOU WANT TO COME BACK DOWN?

YOU WANT TO COME RIGHT NOW?

>> Tosh: THAT WAS JUST GOING TO

BE A VINE OF HIM PEEING BUT

LUCKILY SOMETHING MORE HAPPENED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WILL

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE,

LOSING A BABY AND STILTS.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

EVERYONE KNOWS WE'RE A

FOURTH-QUARTER SHOW.

NEXT WEEK, WE MEET THE BRAINS

BEHIND THIS SECURITY INNOVATION.

>> IN THIS VIDEO, HAVE YOU A

STRANGER, A RAPIST COMING TO THE

DOOR.

A WIFE IS AT HOME BY HERSELF.

SHE GOES AND SHE PRESSES THE

SECURITY OFFICER.

>> WHOEVER THE VIDEO IS I'M

ASLEEP.

COME BACK LATER.

>> LET THEM KNOW I'M SLEEPING.

COME BACK LATER.

>> AND HE RE TREATS.

>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE THEY

HARNESSED THE HOME ALONE

TECHNOLOGY.

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND NEEDY BUT

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND CHECK

OUT OUR BLOG NOW OPEN NIGHTS AND

WEEKEND AND COME RIGHT TO ME

RIGHT TO MY FACE AND

CONGRATULATIONS TO WACO AND

ROBBER FOR NOT GETTING

BRICKLEBERRY C

BRICKLEBERRY CANCELLED.

AND IT'S COME TO ME COMEDY

CENTRAL AS A YELP PAGE.

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIBERAL

[BLEEP]S.

COMEDY CENTRAL.

CENTRAL TO WHAT, MY BALLS?

I'M A NOTED YELPER.

THE CC HAS LOST ITS LUSTER.

NOTED, YELPER, NOTED.

BEST GAY BAR IN TOWN.

AGREED.

GRAVITY WAS BORING AS HELL.

TITTIES.

BRING BACK SECRET GIRLFRIEND YOU

COWARDS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT

WAS THE WORSE SHOW THAT'S EVER

BEEN ON THE NETWORK WHOEVER SAID

YET YES SHOULD BE STONED TO

DEATH TO THE EIGHT PEOPLE THAT

WATCHED IT.

TOO MANY PIXILATED PRIVATES.

IF IT'S KNOWN AS THE CENTRAL

PLACE FOR COMEDY THEY SHOULD

FULL ON DONG.

I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS.

LET'S SEE SOME DONG.

OVERALL GOT NETWORK BUT

SERIOUSLY THE BEN SHOW?

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT

SECRET GIRLFRIEND?

I'M SORRY.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT 30-MINUTE

LONG TURD

THEY WERE OUT OF CHEESE PIZZA.

NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH BEVERLY

HILLS COP ANY MORE.

EDDIE MURPHY IS NOT THAT FUNNY.

#GIBBERISH.

I RECOMMEND YOU SIGN ON.

A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER?

I'M SURE HIS HOURLY RATE TAINT

CHEAP.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: THAT'S THE COOL THING

ABOUT DROPPING OUT OF HIGH

SCHOOL AND COMING BACK YOU CAN

GROW FACIAL HAIR.

>> YOU CAN HAVE A MUSTACHE BUT

NOT A GOATEE.