Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[ SCREAMING ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: NEVER SCARE A MAN USING

A MEAT SLICER.

A MEAT SLICER.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

HEY, KIDS, INSTEAD OF BEGGING

FOR FOOD ON HALLOWEEN LIME SOME

KIND OF SHIFTLESS BUM WHY DON'T

YOU GET A JOB AND BUY YOU'RE OWN

CANDY.

HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT.

YOU CHILDREN DISGUST ME.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I WORKUP A

SWEAT WITH THIS FITNESS FREAK

AND LET MY STAFF GET BUZZED AT

WORK AND GIVE SOLDIER'S FAMILIES

HORRIFYING NEWS.

FOOL HIM ONCE SHAME ON YOU, FOOL

HIM 87 TIMES YOU MAY BE PICKING

ON SOMEONE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.

I HOPE WORKMAN'S COMP COVERS HIS

DIRTY DRAWERS.

THE GUY'S POOP HIS PANTS.

STOP CLOWNING AROUND AND HELP

HIM PEEL 1,000 POTATOS.

THAT BACKFIRED WHEN I TRIED TO

PULL A SIMILAR FRANK ON THE DEAF

GUY IN OUR OFFICE.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: LATER, I PRANKED OUR

OFFICE BLIND BUY BY INTRODUCING

HIM TO A WOMAN THAT WAS A

CACTUS.

HIS HANDS GOT PRICKED UP WHEN HE

TRIED TO FEEL HER FACE.

BLIND PEOPLE.

LOTS OF LAUGH.

NOW EARLY DID THEY HAVE TO BOOK

TO SECURE HIS INTERSECTION.

THAT'S BREATH TAKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON

WOULD DO THAT?

A PERSON WITH A T-MOBILE

SIDEKICK.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF

SIGN TELLING HIM NOT TO GO

THROUGH WITH THIS.

USE THE STOP SIGN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: OH, YOU NEEDED THAT?

MAYBE SHE THINKS THE VEIL MAKE

HER IN VISIBLE.

LETTING ALL THE DUDES FROM BLACK

PEOPLE MEET DOT COM LETTING HER

KNOW SHE'S OFF THE MARKET.

I'VE HAD A MOMENT RUIN A MOMENT

OR TWO.

I COULD NOT IMAGINE A LIFE

WITHOUT ME IN IT.

SORRY.

COLIN QUINN MUST HAVE TWEETED

I GET A NOTIFICATION EVERY TIME

HE SENDS ONE.

WILL I WHAT?

>> Tosh: SORRY.

A NEW POLL SAYS 60% OF THE

PEOPLE DON'T TRUST CONGRESS.

I CAN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THAT ONE

ALL DAY.

WHATA-SET UP.

>> HE'S TROLLING.

JUST A GIANT TROLL.

>> WHEN I I WHAT?

>> Tosh: I WONDER WHEN MY EX IS

UP TO.

SHE LOOKS GOOD.

I WANTED TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME

AT AT&T PARK BUT IT WAS ALREADY

BEING RENTED OUT FOR ANOTHER

FAKE PROPOSAL.

ALL RIGHT.

SO THE COOL THING ABOUT

CONCUSSIONS IS THAT YOU DON'T

ALWAYS KNOW YOU HAVE ONE.

>> WHOA!

THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY CAUGHT AND

-- IT'S CAUGHT.

>> Tosh: ALL THAT MATTERS IN

LIFE IS THINKING YOU WON.

>> STOP THE FIGHT.

>> Tosh: MAKING A MEMORABLE EXIT

IS JUST AS IMPORTANT.

PRETTY CONFIDENT IN THE JUDGE

FROM NEVADA GOT IT WRONG TOO.

OKAY.

HERE'S THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE

A TREEHOUSE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE PLAN HERE?

CHOPPING DOWN THE BIG TREE

TODAY.

OH, [BLEEP].

NOT ALL BAD NEWS.

GOT ANOTHER DIY PROJECT TO

TACKLE NEXT WEEKEND.

THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN SHOULD BE

HAPPY.

SHE'S ALWAYS NAGGING ABOUT NOT

HAVING ENOUGH PLANTS IN THE

HOUSE.

HAPPY NOW, HONEY.

NEXT TIME GO TO HOME DEPOT AND

PICK UP A COUPLE GOOD STRONG

MEXICANS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

I WAS GOING TO CHOP DOWN A TREE

IT IT WOULD BE THAT NO GOOD

TICKET OAK GOUGING MY FANS.

YOU'RE ON MY LIST, TICKET OAK.

NOW, LET'S SEE IF THE NEXT KID

LEARNED ANYTHING IN SCHOOL

TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: TRADE IN YOUR HALL PASS

FOR A HANDICAPPED PARKING PASS.

BET HE'S NOT MISSING AN AP CLASS

TO DO THIS.

ALL THE SENIORS WILL RESPECT HIM

NOW.

THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

HE'S WEARING JORDANS.

PUT ON SOME BRON AND PLAY LIKE A

CHAMPION NOT THE SHOES OF SOME

NBA OWNER WHO'S TEAM CAN BARELY

GET TEN WINS.

SHOULDN'T JORDAN HAVE A LINE OF

DRESS SHOES BY NOW?

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> I GOT DOB ABLE TO CLAMP ONTO

IT.

OH, YEAH.

>> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T GO TO A

JEWISH DENTIST YOU MIGHT BE A

REDNECK.

NOW, LET'S FIND OUT WHY THE ONLY

THING WORSE THAN GOING TO THE

DENTIST IS NOT GOING TO THE

DENTIST IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

IT'S 2:30 IN EAST TEXAS.

2:30?

IT DOESN'T GET OLD.

TURNS OUT A LIFETIME OF

CHATTANOOGA CHEW AND EATING

RACOON JERKY ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU CAN HARDLY BLAME JOHNNY

FOOTBALL FOR WANTING TO GET OUT

OF THAT PODUNK TOWN.

TRUST HIM, HE KNOWS A GUY THAT

ONCE WENT TO A REAL DENTIST.

OOH, CITY FOLK.

I DON'T RECKON THE MULTI TOOL'S

BEEN APPROVED BY THE ADA BUT I'M

SURE HE STERILIZED AT THE CRICK.

WHAT ELSE LET'S YOU PULL A TOOTH

AND CUT EYE HOLES IN YOUR

PILLOWCASE.

DON'T YANK THE WRONG ONE, HAS.

IN FAIRNESS THE GINGIVITIS DID

MOST OF THE WORK.

DON'T BOTHER PUTTING IT UNDER

YOUR PILLOW.

THE LAST TIME THE TOOTH FAIRY

VISITED THESE PARTS THEY DRAGGED

HIM BEHIND A PICKUP TRUCK.

I THOUGHT THE TOOTH FAIRY WAS

THE GIRL.

TELL THAT TO THE ROCK.

>> YOU'RE GOOD.

IT DONE STOPPED BLEEDING

ALREADY.

>> Tosh: THIS IS THE MOST

PAINFUL THING HE CAN IMAGINE

BESIDES SEEING A BLACK PERSON

BECOME PRESIDENT.

PRESCRIPTION PILLS AND JACK?

MY DENTIST ONLY GIVES MY

TOOTHPASTE AND FLOSS.

I TELL HIM TO KEEP THE BRUSH

BECAUSE I HAVE A SONICARE

DIAMOND CLEAN.

GOOD LUCK KEEP YOUR BUDDY'S

DONGS OUT OF THAT GLORY HOLE.

MAKING FUN OF HE HICKS IS LIKE

PULLING TEETH AND FOR THAT WE

THANK YOU.

FIRST I THOUGHT IT WOULD A TREAT

TO SEE THE AUDIENCE WATCHING THE

VIDEO I FORCED HEM TO WATCH

DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

>> LET ME SHOW YOU HOW US

DANCERS STAY IN SHAPE

.

WE'RE GOING TO WORK OUR LOWER

BODY, LEGS, SPECIFICALLY

ESPECIALLY THE LEGS AND THE

BUNS.

THE BUTT.

THE BUTT, BUTT, BUTT.

BUTT, BUTT.

DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE 15

MINUTES A DAY TO SPEND ON

YOURSELF.

>> Tosh: DIPS.

THE VICHLEN YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR

EYES OFF OF IS JILL AND WHEN

SHE'S NOT ROCKING THE VELVET

LEOTARD SHE'S SHOWING OTHER

PEOPLE HOW TO GET IT.

SHE CREATED A NEW EXERCISE

REGIMENT CALLED HEADBANGERS

WORKOUT AND MY BODY'S DISGUSTING

AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A SPIN CLASS

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO ON

IMAGINARY BIKE RIDE WITH 50

CHICKS WHILE BEING SCREAMED AT

BY A MAN.

I BELIEVE WOMEN ONLY EXERCISE TO

MAKE THEIR CHUBBY FRIENDS FEEL

WORSE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

CRO

CROSSFIT IS FOR LADIES WHO DON'T

WANT TO BE FAT OR ATTRACTIVE

EVER.

IF I WANTED TO BANG SOMEBODY

WITH A SIX-PACK I'D RETURN HUGH

JACKMAN'S CALLS.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY

CROSSFIT WORKOUT IS POSTING

ABOUT IT ENDLESSLY.

BRAG ABOUT THE OTHER BURPEES IN

UNDERCULT.

EVEN SCATCHERS KNEW YOU'D BUY

SHOES IF IT PROMISED BUNS OF

STEAL.

THERE'S NO MAGIC PILL AND IT'S

NOT BURIED IN THE TRAY OF GLUTEN

FREE BROWNIES YOU JUST INHALED.

THE BEST PLAN IS PHOTO SHOP.

UNTIL DOC BROWN INVENTS GYM

EQUIPMENT IS WELL UP IN.

SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP EVERYBODY

IN SHAPE UNTIL THE BITTER AND HE

WEEKEND I FLEW HER TO L.A. WHERE

WE KEEP THE FAT PEOPLE IN THE

VALLEY FOR THE WEB REDEMPTION.

WELCOME TO WRINKLES THE ONLY GYM

FOR WOMEN, HOW DO I SAY THIS

NICELY, PAST THEIR PRIME.

HARD TO GET AN ERECTION WITHOUT

MEDICATION, SHALL I SAY --

>> I CAN HELP YOU.

>> Tosh: YOU CAN HELP ME?

>> THIS IS MY SPECIALTY.

>> Tosh: I THINK YOU'D BE A

PERFECT ADDITION TO OUR

STRAINING STAFF.

FIRST I HAVE QUESTIONS.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 52 YEARS OLD.

>> Tosh: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

>> 109.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE MOST YOU

AWAYED?

>> 124.

>> Tosh: DID YOU KEEP THE CHILD?

>> THEY TOOK IT AWAY.

>> Tosh: OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU JUST SAID.

FINISH THE SENTENCE, 50 IS THE

NEW?

>> 20.

>> Tosh: 20?

I LIKE THAT.

VERY UNREALISTIC.

WHAT'S BEEN YOUR MOST POPULAR

WORKOUT VIDEO?

>> I DID A TEN-MINUTE LOWER BODY

WORKOUT.

OH, YEAH.

SIX.

>> Tosh: CHA-CHING.

BETTER BODY, YOU OR MADONNA?

>> I HAVE TO SAY ME BUT SHE

TRIES BUT I CAN HELP HER TOO.

>> Tosh: THE CELEBRITY THAT HAVE

WORKED THROUGHOUT THE DOOR, BE

BEYONCE AND DEMI MOORE.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

>> SHE IS.

>> Tosh: 25 YEARS AGO.

ON YOUR CHANNEL YOU DO DANCE

TRIBUTES.

>> THE CHARACTER I CREATED IS

THE MOTHER CHICK BECAUSE THE

ORIGINAL ROCK VIDEO I DID WAS IN

1988 FOR A BAND CALLED DANZIG.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS YOU IN THE

VIDEO IN 1988?

>> IT WAS PULLED FROM MTV

BECAUSE THE CONTENT WAS

CONSIDERED --

>> Tosh: SATANIC.

LEGALLY I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS,

ARE YOU A DEVIL WORE SHIPPER?

>> PART-TIME.

I HAVE TO KEEP A BALANCE IN MY

LIFE IN MY SPIRITUAL REALM.

THE YIN YANG.

YOU'RE A GYM PERSON.

I LIKE GOOD, DARK, LIGHT, EVIL,

I THINK LUCIFER HAS GOTTEN A BAD

WRAP.

>> Tosh: THAT'S FOR SURE.

>> THE LIGHT BEARER REVEALS

TRUTH AND SATAN IS ACTUALLY THE

ONE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE IN THE

DARK.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

SCIENTOLOGISTS?

>> THAT --

>> Tosh: DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

INTRODUCE MY LATEST FITNESS

CRAZE.

CROTCH STRETCH.

STAKE ONE STRETCHING THE [BLEEP]

AND STAGE TWO, LOW REPS, STAGE

THREE, CONFUSING THE [BLEEP].

STAGE FOUR AND THIS IS THE MOST

IMPORTANT ONE, VIOLENTLY SHAKING

[BLEEP].

GET YOU A UNIFORM.

>> OOH.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE

WEARS.

>> NO STRETCHY IS GOING INTO

THIS I TELL YOU.

>> Tosh: MY, LORD.

THAT'S INSANITY.

ARE MEN INTIMIDATED BY YOU?

>> I GUESS SOME ARE.

FIRST OF ALL I'M BLESSED

GENETICALLY.

>> Tosh: THAT'S OBVIOUS.

>> AND A DANCER.

>> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.

>> WHAT DRUGS?

>> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.

STAND BEHIND ME.

YOU'RE GOING GRAB MY FEET.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO LIFT ME UP?

>> Tosh: NOW WE HOOK AND YOU

PULL.

OR I PULL.

SEE.

YOU FEEL IT?

OKAY, YOUR VERY STRONG.

VERY STRONG.

WHEW.

THIS STAGE IS CRUCIAL.

PUSHING YOUR BODY PASSED THE

COMFORT ZONE.

>> Tosh: SEE THAT?

WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?

BECAUSE I NEVER WORKED OUT IN MY

LIFE.

PUT YOUR ARMS STRAIGHT DOWN.

>> SOMEBODY HELP ME.

>> Tosh: HEY, WHAT'S THE BEST

CONCERT YOU'VE GONE TO?

>> DAVID CASSIDY.

>> Tosh: HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW?

>> SOMEBODY HELP.

>> Tosh: THE LOVELY TIFFANY, OUR

TWERK INSTRUCTOR.

TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS.

I STILL GOT IT.

ANYWAYS FOR OUR FINAL STAGE OF

CROTCH FIT WE'RE GOING TO

COMBINE OUR LOVE OF 80s AND

DRUGS WITH TWERKING, I'M CALLING

IT TWEAKING.

>> I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LIKE THAT?

SHE'S A NATURAL.

>> Tosh: WE FOUND YOUR CALLING.

WELCOME TO WRINKLES.

>> Tosh: I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

TO ANYONE WHO GOT AN EYEFUL OF

MY STINK WRINKLES.

FIRST, IT'S HALLOWEEN WOULD YOU

LIKE TO SEE THE HORRIFIC VIDEO

THAT MADE MY AUDIENCE GO NUTS?

PLEASE, I CAN'T HEAR THEM AT

HOME.

I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU SAID

YES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: IS THAT TASER SET TO

TICKLE?

THAT'S THE MOST FUN THEY'VE HAD

SINCE THEIR WIVES DIED.

THOSE GUYS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO

WET THEIR WHISTLE AT MY DIVE BAR

AND GRILL AND MATTRESS STORE.

>> I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW ONE OF

OUR REGULARS WOULD LIKE TO BUY

YOU A ROUND OF TEQUILA

SHOT-SHOTS.

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED FIRST

THING YOU NEED TO DO IS SIGN

RELEASE FORMS.

>> BOTTOM'S UP.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT HOW THE

TEQUILA SHOT-SHOT WORKS.

PUT ON THE COLLAR.

I'M ELECTROCUTE THE [BLEEP] OUT

OF YOU AND START BARKING.

ONCE YOU DRINK, BOTTOM'S

YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S GREAT.

>> WANTS ANOTHER ROUND.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: THEY'LL REEL HE BE

SHOCKED TO KNOW MY DOG ROOFIED

ALL OF THEM.

NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF

THE WEEK.

>> WHERE AM I?

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A

GAME?

>> GAME?

>> RAISE THIS.

>> RAISE THIS?

>> WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?

>> RAISE THIS BABY.

>> THERE AIN'T NO BABY.

>> Tosh: COME ON JIGSAW THAT'S

NOT HOW SAW WORKS.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE TWO OPTIONS.

CAN'T HE BITE HIS WHEN OFF.

THIS IS WHERE I COME BACK WITH A

SHOW THAT'S NO LONGER ON THE

NETWORK AND I USED CHAPELLE SHOW

BUT THE DAY HAS COME WHERE WE'VE

GONE THROUGH EVERY PROGRAM

THAT'S BEEN ON COMEDY CENTRAL

AND SINCE THEY REFUSE TO GROW A

PAIR AND CANCEL NEW SHOWS WE

KNOW SHOULD NOT BE ON TV WE NEED

AN IN TRADITION.

NOW WE'LL START SAYING AN OUT OF

CONTEXT LINE THAT HAD TO BE CUT

FROM ONE OF OUR EPISODES.

OKAY.

FIRST, ALL THE ATTRACTIVE GIRLS

IN JAPAN ARE ANIMATED.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

WHILE I DO THE PLUGS WHY NOT PUT

ON ON THE SONG DIP BY DANNY

BROWN AND PRETEND HE'S OUR

MUSICAL GUEST.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE TAKE ON

THE EDUCATION SYSTEM WITH THIS

CLASS CLOWN.

>> YOU WANT KIDS TO COME TO YOUR

CLASS AND GET EXCITED YOU HAVE

TO COME IN AND MAKE THEM

EXCITED.

WANT THE KIDS TO DO BETTER HAVE

YOU TO TOUCH HIS HEART

YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE

IF YOU JUST TELL HIM.

>> Tosh: I AGREE WITH HIM ON

EVERYTHING BUT THE LONG BLOND

HAIR.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP

WITH OUR BLOG AND SEE ME DO

STAND-UP COMEDY IF YOU HAVE THE

MEANS AND A NEW EPISODE OF

BRICKLEBERRY'S UP NEXT.

FINALLY, WE'VE SEEN THE

TEAR-JERKING VIDEOS OF SOLDIERS

RETURNING HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES

BUT OUR EMOTIONS ARE BEING

MANIPULATED WE MUSIC.

WE DON'T KNOW IF THEIR WIVES

CHEATED ON THEM AND I'M NOT

SAYING IT'S A LOT BUT SOME OF

THOSE SOLDIERS COMMITTED

UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES.

IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN I TOOK THE

SAME VIDEOS AND GAVE THEM A

SPOOKIER FEEL.

[ SCREAMING ]

[ HEART BEATING SOUND ]

[ SCREAMING

[

>> OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: GOOD NIGHT AND

REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE GOING AS

DANIEL TOSH FOR HALLOWEEN FEEL

FREE TO BREAK AS MANY LAWS AS

YOU WANT.

COPS WON'T ARREST ME.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY CALORIES CAN

ONE EXPECT TO BURN DOING YOUR

WORKOUT?

>> I HAVE SEVERAL DIFFERENT ONES

BUT THE SPECIAL ONE IS CALLED MY

G-FORCE WORKOUT.

>> Tosh: NOTHING TO DO WITH THE

G-SPOT.