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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: SURE THE ROAD, TREES.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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YOU'RE WATCHING LIKE YOUR
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HOROSCOPE SAID YOU WOULD SO
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DON'T TELL ME ASTROLOGY FAKE.
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WE REVISIT REDEMPTIONS I DON'T
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REMEMBER AND TELL YOU HOW I CUT
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MY TEETH AS A STRUGGLING YOUNG
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ACTOR AND EMBARRASS YOUR KIDS
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FOR YOU.
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IF THIS WAS AN ACTUAL SUPPORT
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YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT ON ESPN.
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WE CAN AGREE THE BEGINNERS
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MOUNTAIN BIKE RACE WAS A BAD
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IDEA.
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IT'S NOT A WILD BRONCO.
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IT HAS BRAKES.
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I'M GLAD THAT HAPPENED.
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HE TRIED TO CHEAT BY TAKING A
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SHORTCUT.
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LIFE IMITATING ART.
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THE MOVIE RAD.
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I HAVE A CONTROVERSIAL
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STATEMENT.
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CRU JONES DIDN'T DESERVE TO RACE
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HELL TRACK.
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BECAUSE SHE CHEATED DURING HIS
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QUALIFYING RACES BY TAKING
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SIMILAR SHORT CUTS.
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PLAY THE TAPE.
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[**]
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>> Tosh: TOO FAR, DANIEL, TOO
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FAR.
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EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BRING A
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LITTLE INTEGRITY BACK TO THE
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SPORT OF BMX RACING.
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I HAD TO BE SAID.
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I REGRET NOTHING.
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THE NEXT JESUS FREAK WILL MAKE
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YOU THANK GOD YOU PACKED YOUR
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NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: SHE FOUND OUT THE
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IN-FLIGHT MOVIE IS AFTER EARTH.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T MAKE
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HER CHECK HER OVERSIZED
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EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.
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BUT IF SHE YELLS ALLAHU AKBAR
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THE SKY POLICE OPEN FIRE.
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>> WOULD THE WOMAN IN 25-A
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KINDLY SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE.
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REMEMBER IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY
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YOUR CUSHION CAN BE USED TO
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SUFFOCATE THE CRAZY PERSON NEXT
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TO YOU.
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I'M OMNIPOTENT SO IF YOU TRY TO
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DISABLE THE SMOKE DETECTER IN
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THE BATHROOM I WILL KNOW.
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DON'T THINK I WON'T CRUCIFY YOUR
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[BLEEP].
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>> Tosh: IT'S NOT REALISTIC.
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GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE IN
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COACH.
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POVERTY IS MORE OF A JESUS
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THING.
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IF YOU STILL USE THE POST OFFICE
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FOR ANYTHING YOU DESERVE WHAT
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YOU GET.
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THE POSTMASTER GENERAL IS GOING
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IT HEAR ABOUT THIS.
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HEY LADY, IT'S A MAIL TRUCK.
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NOT A RASCAL SCOOTER.
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NOBODY IN HER ROUTE EVER GETS
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THE MUFFIN BASKETS SHE ORDER.
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SHE DID AS MANY DAMAGE WALKING
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ACROSS YOUR LAWN.
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NOW LET'S SEE THE KING ON HIS
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THRONE.
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[BLEEP] PRINCE HARRY'S UP TO HIS
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USUAL ANTICS.
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SURE, MY OM LET RECIPE TAKES
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LONGER BUT YOU'LL TASTE THE
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DIFFERENCE.
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I REALLY FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD BE
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DROWNING.
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WHATEVER.
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AS LONG AS HE'S NOT LOCKING THE
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DOOR.
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YOU START WITH TOSSING RAW EGGS
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NEXT THING YOU'RE PECKER-DEEP IN
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POULTRY.
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I'VE SEEN IT A THOUSAND TIMES.
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>> IT'S COOL, DUDE.
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>> Tosh: NOT TO BRAG BUT I HAVE
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TO USE CHICKENS BECAUSE CORNISH
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GAME HENS ARE A BIG TOO SNUG.
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LADIES, WHEN YOU'RE ALL ON FOURS
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ON THE DANCE FLOOR KNOW THIS IS
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THE AUDIENCE YOU ATTRACT.
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WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BLUR THE VIDEO
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WE JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.
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BIGGIE, BIGGIE, BIGGIE, CAN'T
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YOU SEE SOMETIMES YOUR TITS
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HYPNOTIZE ME.
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IT SEEMS HIS BRA'S ON BACKWARDS.
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YOU KNOW HIS NIKE FUEL BAND IS
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SKY ROCKET
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BEING A MAN THAT SIZE SHOULDN'T
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BE ABLE TO SNEAK UP ON YOU.
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PLAY DEAD, HE'LL GO AWAY.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A CASE
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OF THE MONDAYS.
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NOW LET'S SEE IF THERE'S LIGHT
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AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO INDIA.
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THEIR SUBWAYS ARE GROSSER THAN
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OURS.
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THEY STILL HAVE THE SMELLS AND
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AMBIANCE OF THE SEWER BUT WITH
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THE ADDED STENCH OF CURRY.
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YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE.
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NOT THE SAFEST MOVE BUT YOU KNOW
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WHAT THEY SAY IN NEW DELHI, FIND
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A RUPEE PICK IT UP ALL DAY LONG
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YOU'LL HAVE GOOD KARMA.
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NOT AS CATCHY.
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I CAN'T BLAME HER.
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I'D KILL MYSELF IF I LISTENED TO
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AMERICANS ALL DAY ABOUT NOT
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BEING ABLE TO CONFIGURE THEIR
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NETGEAR ROUTERS.
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BY RIDING UNDER THE TRAIN HE
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LOWERED HER CHANCE OF BEING
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ASSAULTED.
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I'M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT SHE'LL
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BE REINCARNATED AS.
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I SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT
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AGAIN, WOMEN ARE BAD AT
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EVERYTHING.
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GOSH DARN IT.
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TRY AGAIN IN SEVEN MINUTES,
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THREE IF SHE HUSTLES TO THE
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NORTHBOUND TRACK.
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SHE'S BEING HELD BY HANDSOME
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STRANGER.
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IF THIS ISN'T A SANDRA BULLOCK
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MOVIE WAITING TO HAPPEN I DON'T
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KNOW WHAT IT.
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HURRY HOME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTE
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TO IT TEAR UP.
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FOR THAT WE THANK YOU FIRST,
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TOUCHABLE SMOOTH SKIN HAS ITS
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DISADVANTAGES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[**]
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>> LEAVE HER ALONE!
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>> Tosh: TOO REDEEM IS TO
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RESTORE A PERSON'S WORTH.
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THAT'S EXACTLY WHY "TOSH.0" IS
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CREATED TO BRING HONOR BACK TO
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THE PSYCHOPATHS WHO LOST IT ON
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THE INTERNET LIKE LANE KIFFIN.
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THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ON MY
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SHOW ARE ALL FAMOUS FOR BEING
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FAILURES.
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I KNOW I CHANGED THEIR LIFE FOR
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THE BETTER BUT HAS ANYONE TRULY
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ACHIEVED REDEMPTION?
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YOU'LL HAVE TO WAITFUL YOU DIE
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AND GOD.0 COME ON.
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THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWER TO
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THE QUESTION WHERE ARE THEY NOW
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IS WHO GIVES A [BLEEP].
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HOWEVER, I DO LIKE THE IDEA OF
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RECYCLING OLD MATERIAL BY
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PRETENDING THE FANS ARE
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CLAMORING FOR AN UPDATE.
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IF BRAVO CAN DO IT ONCE A WEEK I
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CAN CERTAINLY DO IT ONCE EVERY
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FIVE YEARS SO I HAD ME PRODUCER
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GET A HOLD OF THE FREAKS FOR THE
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FIRST EVER "TOSH.0" REDEMPTION
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REUNION SPECTACULAR.
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FIVE YEARS AGO A MIDDLE-AGED MAN
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WITH A VACUUM GOT INSIDE A
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BALLOON AND OUR HEARTS.
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PLEASE WELCOME, THE PRIDE OF
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CHICAGO, BALLOON BILL.
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>> HELLO, EVERYBODY.
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>> Tosh: BEFORE WE BEGIN, I WANT
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YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WERE
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MY FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTION BY A
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MILE.
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>> WELL, I'M HONORED.
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>> Tosh: DID YOU MISS ME?
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>> I CONSTANTLY DO THINK AT
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TIMES.
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>> Tosh: ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR
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HEALTH YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?
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>> JUST I'VE GONE THROUGH SOME
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OF THE PATCHES THE FAST FOUR
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YEARS
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I WOUND UP HAVING TO GO TO THE
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HOSPITAL AND PASSED OUT.
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>> Tosh: WHAT WAS WRONG?
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>> DON'T REALLY KNOW.
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AND GOING UNDER THE KNIFE I
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DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU WHERE IT
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WAS.
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OH, BOY.
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>> Tosh: OH, NO.
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TELL ME WHERE IT WAS?
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>> GROIN AREA.
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>> Tosh: ON YOUR PENIS?
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>> NO.
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>> Tosh: GENITALS?
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>> YES.
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>> Tosh: FULLY RECOVERED?
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>> YES.
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>> Tosh: MORE?
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>> I WOUND UP WITH A SLIGHT
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HEART ATTACK.
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>> THEY CUT YOU OPEN?
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>> A SMALL HOLE IN MY THIGH AND
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USED THE BALLOON OF SORTS TO
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OPEN THE ARTERY.
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>> Tosh: IRONY.
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TELL ME WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN
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YOUR LIFE.
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>> I MET SOMEONE ON A WEBSITE.
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>> Tosh: A WEBSITE?
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>> AN INTERACTIVE AVATAR SITE.
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>> Tosh: DID YOU KISS?
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>> ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS?
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>> Tosh: DID YOU JUST SEE A
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GIRL'S FACE ON A BALLOON?
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>> SHE'S REAL.
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>> Tosh: ARE YOU STILL MESSING
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WITH BALOONS AT ALL?
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>> YES, I AM.
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>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE ANY BALLOON
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DREAMS IN THE FUTURE?
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>> HARD TO SAY.
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>> Tosh: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
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YOU CRIED AND WHY?
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>> A FRIEND OF MINE WAS RIDING A
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SCI-FI FANTASY STORY
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I GAVE A FEW SUGGESTIONS.
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I DRESSED THE AVATAR IN THE
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GENERAL'S UNIFORM
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YOU HAVE TO BUY THE OUTFIT.
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>> Tosh: WHAT'S THIS HAVE TO DO
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TO YOU CRYING?
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>> I'M GETTING TO THAT.
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>> Tosh: GOOD LORD, BILL.
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>> SHE DIED AS A RESULT.
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OH, GOD.
262
00:10:09,533 --> 00:10:11,433
>> Tosh: THAT'S A GOOD STORY.
263
00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:12,303
IS IT REAL?
264
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,800
>> IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STORY.
265
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,530
MY CHARACTER NEARLY CRAWLED INTO
266
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,303
A WHISKEY BOTTLE.
267
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:24,100
>> Tosh: INTO A WHISKEY BOTTLE?
268
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,200
>> FIGURATIVELY.
269
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,700
>> Tosh: YOU ALWAYS STRUGGLED
270
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:28,530
WITH GOOD-BYES.
271
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:29,633
HAVE YOU GOTTEN BETTER?
272
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:31,003
>> I BELIEVE I HAVE.
273
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,330
>> Tosh: THERE'S ONE UP NOTE.
274
00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:33,273
>> WHAT'S THAT?
275
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,627
>> Tosh: IT'S BEEN A DEPRESSING
276
00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:35,373
FOUR YEARS.
277
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:36,227
I'LL CHECK BACK IN IN FIVE.
278
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:43,073
>> ALL RIGHT.
279
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:44,427
>> Tosh: YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
280
00:10:44,433 --> 00:10:46,773
SHE'S TALENT AND BEST OF ALL THE
281
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:48,027
15-YEAR-OLD RISKY BUSINESS GIRL
282
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:49,133
IS FINALLY LEGAL.
283
00:10:49,133 --> 00:11:00,203
PLEASE WELCOME FANNY.
284
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,900
BEFORE WE BEGIN I WANT YOU TO
285
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,670
KNOW THAT YOU ARE BY FAR AND
286
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:06,297
AWAY MY FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTION
287
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,830
I'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW.
288
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,573
>> THANK YOU.
289
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,727
>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
290
00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:12,433
>> 19.
291
00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:13,373
>> Tosh: 19 YEARS OLD.
292
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:14,397
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR
293
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:14,930
LIFE NOW?
294
00:11:14,933 --> 00:11:15,903
>> SCHOOL.
295
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,170
>> Tosh: YOUR MODELLING?
296
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:17,797
>> YEAH.
297
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:18,800
>> Tosh: DO YOU ENJOY IT?
298
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,130
>> YEAH, I DO.
299
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,403
>> Tosh: LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT
300
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:27,630
SOME OF YOUR MODELLING PICTURES.
301
00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:28,403
DO YOU KNIT?
302
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,070
>> NO.
303
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:29,967
>> Tosh: BUT YOU WERE ON THE
304
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:31,167
COVER OF THAT MAGAZINE.
305
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:31,897
>> YEAH.
306
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,700
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU MADE OTHER
307
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,070
FUNNY VIDEOS?
308
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:36,667
>> NO.
309
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:37,897
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK I'M
310
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:38,370
CREEPY?
311
00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:38,897
>> NO.
312
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,730
>> Tosh: ARE YOU ON THE PILL?
313
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:41,803
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
314
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,830
>> YEAH, I DO.
315
00:11:44,833 --> 00:11:46,533
>> Tosh: SH.
316
00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:48,073
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING?
317
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,067
>> LIKE TWO YEARS.
318
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:53,497
>> Tosh: IS HE A MILLIONAIRE.
319
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,730
DO YOU DATE OLDER MEN.
320
00:11:55,733 --> 00:11:57,503
I'LL THROW A NUMBER.
321
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:57,970
38.
322
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,597
>> YEAH THAT, MAKES ME SICK.
323
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,500
>> Tosh: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT
324
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:03,100
THAT.
325
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,500
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF
326
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:05,200
YOUR BODY?
327
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,630
>> MY HAIR.
328
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:08,603
>> Tosh: WHAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
329
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,630
OF YOUR BODY.
330
00:12:10,633 --> 00:12:12,533
DO YOU STILL HAVE THE UNDERWEAR
331
00:12:12,533 --> 00:12:14,533
YOU WORE IN THAT REDEMPTION?
332
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:15,403
>> NO.
333
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,670
>> Tosh: IN 2009 A BLACK MAN WAY
334
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:23,467
FAKE AFRO HELPED ME INTRODUCE TO
335
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:24,927
THE WORLD WEB REDEMPTION HE'S
336
00:12:24,933 --> 00:12:29,433
KNOWN AS MY FIRST, STUNT MAN
337
00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:30,403
EXTRAORDINAIRE MARK HICKS.
338
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,100
THAT'S EXTREMELY UNNECESSARY,
339
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:32,870
MARK.
340
00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:33,697
>> DANIEL.
341
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,130
>> Tosh: GOOD TO SEE.
342
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,203
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
343
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,670
>> Tosh: NICE TO SEE YOU.
344
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:38,797
DONE.
345
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,970
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BY FAR
346
00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:46,797
AND AWAY YOU WERE MY FAVORITE
347
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,730
WEB REDEMPTION.
348
00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:49,703
>> THEY SAY THE FIRST IS
349
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:50,330
SPECIAL.
350
00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:51,273
>> Tosh: DID IT MAKE YOU PROUD
351
00:12:51,267 --> 00:12:52,667
TO BE PART OF TV HISTORY?
352
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:53,967
>>I GUESS SO.
353
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:55,167
>> Tosh: DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
354
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:55,697
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
355
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,100
>> NO.
356
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,600
>> Tosh: WHEN I SHOT THAT WITH
357
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,470
YOU FIVE YEARS AGO I WAS BALDING
358
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:05,867
BUT YEARS OF NEEDLES TO MY HEAD,
359
00:13:05,867 --> 00:13:09,797
PILLS AND CREAMS AND LOOK WHAT
360
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,870
I'M DEALING WITH.
361
00:13:10,867 --> 00:13:12,567
WE'RE GOING TO CUT TO THAT OLD
362
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:13,127
FOOTAGE.
363
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:14,473
LOOK AT THAT HEAD.
364
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:16,067
YOU WERE A PART OF OUR PILOT
365
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,527
BEFORE IT EVEN GOT PICKED UP TO
366
00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:20,973
BE ON TELEVISION.
367
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,267
BASICALLY, I'M NOT GOING TO PAY
368
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:23,697
YOU EXTRA FOR THIS BUT THE
369
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,500
REALITY IS YOU WERE WHAT SOLD
370
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,700
THE SHOW TO THE NETWORK.
371
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:29,570
>> OKAY.
372
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:34,267
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU GOTTEN
373
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:34,897
RESIDUALS?
374
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,070
>> I WAS SUPPOSED TO?
375
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,097
>> Tosh: HOW'S THE STUNT WORLD
376
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:38,630
TREATING YOU.
377
00:13:38,633 --> 00:13:39,673
>> I WORKED ON A FILM.
378
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:41,067
>> Tosh: WE HAVE A SEEN FROM
379
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:41,827
FAST FIVE.
380
00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:44,473
I'D LIKE TO WATCH THAT.
381
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:46,967
WHO IS BETTER LOOKING IN PERSON,
382
00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:48,367
ME OR PAUL WALKER?
383
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,367
>> OOH.
384
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,167
>> Tosh: THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE
385
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:53,497
TO THINK ABOUT THAT IS ENOUGH
386
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,500
FOR ME.
387
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,070
I'LL TAKE IT.
388
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,297
WOULD YOU SAYING BEING ON THIS
389
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,530
SHOW WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR
390
00:14:00,533 --> 00:14:01,073
CAREER?
391
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:01,497
>> NO.
392
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,800
>> Tosh: WELL, MARK YOU MADE MY
393
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:05,530
LIFE BETTER
394
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:07,573
I WOULDN'T HAVE SOLD THE SHOW
395
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,527
WITHOUT YOU.
396
00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:08,903
THANK YOU.
397
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:09,370
>> TAKE CARE.
398
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:12,727
EXCUSE ME.
399
00:14:12,733 --> 00:14:18,333
DONE.
400
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:23,303
>> Tosh: OUR NEXT GET IS
401
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:25,200
ARGUABLY OUR BEST REDEMPTION.
402
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,230
IT'S CHRIS CROCKER.
403
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,873
HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY?
404
00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:32,397
>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
405
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,770
>> Tosh: BEFORE WE BEGIN I WANT
406
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,927
YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE BY FAR AND
407
00:14:35,933 --> 00:14:38,303
AWAY MY MOST FAVORITE WEB
408
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:39,830
REDEMPTION I'VE EVER SHOT.
409
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:41,273
>> REALLY?
410
00:14:41,267 --> 00:14:43,767
>> Tosh: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
411
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:48,597
CHANNELING YOUR FEMININE SIDE.
412
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,270
>> I WAS GOING TO GET IMPLANTS.
413
00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:52,397
>> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
414
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,630
LATE TO THE GAME BUT ARE YOU
415
00:14:53,633 --> 00:14:54,733
TELLING ME YOUR GAY?
416
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:57,973
>> I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
417
00:14:57,967 --> 00:14:59,327
>> Tosh: WHAT ARE YOU BEEN UP
418
00:14:59,333 --> 00:14:59,773
TO?
419
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,897
>> I'VE BEEN DABBLING IN MUSIC.
420
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:02,870
I DID A PORN --
421
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,567
>> Tosh: SO YOU'RE IN FILM?
422
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,267
>> I'M IN FILM.
423
00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:10,067
SO THE PORN HAPPENED BECAUSE I
424
00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:12,697
WAS RELATIONSHIP FOR THREE YEARS
425
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:18,270
AND I WANTED A HOUSE AND NOT
426
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:20,627
GOING TO MAKE CHRIS CROCKER
427
00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:21,073
MOVIE.
428
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:23,097
I WAS LIKE LET'S DO A PORN.
429
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:26,170
>> Tosh: WE HAVE A SCENE.
430
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:30,897
>> THESE CHICKS, KIM KARDASHIAN,
431
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:33,100
PARIS HILTON PRETENDED IT WAS
432
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,630
LEAKED BUT I OWNED IT.
433
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:37,403
I WAS LIKE IF I'M GOING TO DO
434
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,730
THIS AND LET THE WORLD SEE ME
435
00:15:40,733 --> 00:15:42,473
GET SCREWED.
436
00:15:42,467 --> 00:15:45,867
>> Tosh: IS YOUR [BLEEP] HOLE
437
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:46,467
BLEACHED.
438
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:51,867
>> DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE LIMP
439
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,927
WRIST, I'M A TOP, AMERICA SO YOU
440
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:54,833
KNOW.
441
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:55,573
>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
442
00:15:55,567 --> 00:16:01,897
CHAIR?
443
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,770
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST BETTER TO
444
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,397
LET PEOPLE GO AWAY AND BE
445
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:06,930
CURIOUS.
446
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:15,433
HERE'S YOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.
447
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,633
>> Tosh: WHAT'S BETTER THAN
448
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:20,673
HITTING THE MALL?
449
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:26,697
HITTING IT WITH A NERF SLING
450
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,200
SLOT.
451
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,600
HAVE YOU TO LOVE THIS.
452
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,600
>> YOU LOVE MINE?
453
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,630
>> DEFINITELY.
454
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:34,103
>> Tosh: SETH GREEN TALENTED,
455
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:39,700
HARD-WORKING, SURE, BUT I'LL BE
456
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,700
DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T SAY I'M THE
457
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,800
MOST TALENTED NORFIN TROLL EVER.
458
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,530
SADLY THE INTERNET UNCOVERS ALL
459
00:16:48,533 --> 00:16:50,573
OUR SHAMEFUL SECRETS.
460
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:52,927
HERE'S A RARE OUTTAKE FROM THE
461
00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:56,573
FIRST COMMERCIAL I EVER BOOKED.
462
00:16:56,567 --> 00:17:00,597
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT IT SEEMS LIKE
463
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,070
I'M PLAYING WITH A DOLL.
464
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:04,667
>> NO, IT'S A MY BUDDY.
465
00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:07,697
>> IT'S A DOLL FOR SISSY BOYS,
466
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,300
RIGHT?
467
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,570
>> JUST PLAY WITH IT.
468
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,497
>> Tosh: THE ONLY DOLLS A MAN
469
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,300
SHOULD PLAY WITH ARE INFLATABLE.
470
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,330
AFTER THAT MY MOTHER QUIT HER
471
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,403
JOB TO BECOME A FULL-TIME STAGE
472
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:22,600
MOM AND LIVED NAY SKYLARK BEFORE
473
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:23,570
MY NEXT WEEK.
474
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:26,567
YOU'RE MAKING CHICKEN AND STOVE
475
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:27,067
TOP?
476
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,297
>> WITH CELERY AND ONIONS?
477
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,530
>> WHAT TIME?
478
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:31,803
>> 6:00?
479
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,470
>> CAN DANIEL EAT AT OUR HOUSE?
480
00:17:35,467 --> 00:17:37,697
>> 9:00, WHAT ARE YOU SPANISH?
481
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,700
YOUR BODY NEEDS TIME TO DIGEST
482
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:40,700
BEFORE BED TIME.
483
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:41,530
SORRY.
484
00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:43,603
I'M NOT GOING TO DRAG [BLEEP]
485
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,330
TOMORROW BECAUSE I HAD TWO
486
00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:47,603
MICROWAVEABLE THANKSGIVING
487
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,730
DINNERS THEN I THOUGHT MY NEXT
488
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:53,633
BIG BREAK IS WHEN I LANDED A GIG
489
00:17:53,633 --> 00:17:56,073
AS A GIANT FRUIT.
490
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,297
>> CUT.
491
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,100
WHAT ARE YOU?
492
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,070
>> I'M A DATE AND PEOPLE LOVE
493
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:00,697
DATES.
494
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,700
>> YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD.
495
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:08,630
>> Tosh: THIS GUY'S NOT EVEN I
496
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:09,233
FRUIT.
497
00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:12,703
I'VE BEEN A BVD MAN EVER SINCE.
498
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,070
COURSE MY JEALOUS BROTHER
499
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,897
COULDN'T STAND TO SEE ME IN THE
500
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,470
SPOTLIGHT AND SO HE GOT IN THE
501
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:21,967
BUSINESS AS WELL.
502
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:25,127
* A DOUBLE PLEASURE FROM DOUBLE
503
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,573
MINUTE GUM *
504
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:28,467
* A DOUBLE GREAT FEELING MAKE
505
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,367
YOU REALIZE DOUBLE MINT'S THE
506
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:32,067
ONE FOR YOU *
507
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,897
* DOUBLE FRESH *
508
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:35,970
* DOUBLE SMOOTH *
509
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:39,867
* DOUBLE DELICIOUS TO CHEW *
510
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:44,467
* A DOUBLE PLEASURE'S WAITING
511
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:45,767
FOR YOU *
512
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:48,767
>> Tosh: NOBODY ROCKED THE ONE
513
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:49,927
PIECE LIKE THE TOSH TWINS.
514
00:18:49,933 --> 00:18:52,703
THAT WAS A FUN WALK DOWN MEMORY
515
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:53,230
LANE.
516
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,073
NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF
517
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:57,867
THE WEEK.
518
00:18:57,867 --> 00:19:02,897
>> STOP IT!
519
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,600
[ SCREAMING ]
520
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,400
>> Tosh: TOO BAD THOSE VINES ARE
521
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,130
ONLY SIX SECONDS LONG BECAUSE
522
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:10,133
THEY HAD HORRIFIC CAR CRASH
523
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:11,073
RIGHT AFTER THAT.
524
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,697
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
525
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:13,370
THE WORLD STANDS UP.
526
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,770
>> HELLO.
527
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:24,797
I'M DANIEL.
528
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,230
I'M YOUR SERVER.
529
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:29,303
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL IS LINE-CAUGHT
530
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,430
COPPER SALMON FINISHED WITH A
531
00:19:32,433 --> 00:19:35,203
WINE CAPER SAUCE AND PAN-ROASTED
532
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,070
BRUSSEL SPROUTS.
533
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,067
IT DOES SOUND GOOD.
534
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:39,267
I'LL BE BACK WITH WATER AND WARM
535
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,497
PRETZEL BREAD FOR THE TABLE.
536
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,370
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE
537
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:44,167
CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WITH THIS
538
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,067
HAUNTING PIECE OF ASS.
539
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:50,197
>> LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I DANCE.
540
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,400
WE'RE GOING TO WORK ON OUR LOWER
541
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:58,070
BODY AND LEGS AND ESPECIALLY THE
542
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,767
BUTT.
543
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,167
>> Tosh: THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
544
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:02,297
LIKE THEY USED TO.
545
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,400
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND I
546
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,400
PROMISE TO FOLLOW BACK.
547
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:08,500
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG ON THE
548
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,200
INTERNET AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY
549
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,570
QUARTERLY JOURNAL AND THERE'S A
550
00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:14,397
NEW BRICKLEBERRY COMING UP NEXT
551
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,900
OR DRAW YOUR OWN CARTOON AND SEE
552
00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:18,900
IF YOU CAN DO BETTER.
553
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:21,070
FINALLY WHAT, KIND OF WORLD DO
554
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:25,467
WE LIVE IN IF CUTE YOUNG BOYS
555
00:20:25,467 --> 00:20:28,167
CAN'T DANCE AROUND IN THEIR ROOM
556
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:29,597
SEMI-NUDE WITHOUT THEIR PARENTS
557
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,270
BARGING IN WAY GO PRO.
558
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:35,027
SINCE IT'S ALREADY BEEN UPLOADED
559
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:36,303
CONTRACTUALLY I HAVE TO PUT THEM
560
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:36,900
ON TV.
561
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:39,170
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
562
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:45,527
>> GET OUT!
563
00:20:45,533 --> 00:21:01,403
[LAUGHTER]
564
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,070
STOP IT!
565
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,767
>> Tosh: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
566
00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:08,327
GOOD NIGHT.
567
00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:15,903
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
568
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,500
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A
569
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,500
VAGINA IN YOUR FACE?
570
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:21,200
>> NO.
571
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,300
>> Tosh: DID YOUR FATHER WANT TO
572
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:23,970
KILL ME?
35614
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