Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: SURE THE ROAD, TREES.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

YOU'RE WATCHING LIKE YOUR

HOROSCOPE SAID YOU WOULD SO

DON'T TELL ME ASTROLOGY FAKE.

WE REVISIT REDEMPTIONS I DON'T

REMEMBER AND TELL YOU HOW I CUT

MY TEETH AS A STRUGGLING YOUNG

ACTOR AND EMBARRASS YOUR KIDS

FOR YOU.

IF THIS WAS AN ACTUAL SUPPORT

YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT ON ESPN.

WE CAN AGREE THE BEGINNERS

MOUNTAIN BIKE RACE WAS A BAD

IDEA.

IT'S NOT A WILD BRONCO.

IT HAS BRAKES.

I'M GLAD THAT HAPPENED.

HE TRIED TO CHEAT BY TAKING A

SHORTCUT.

LIFE IMITATING ART.

THE MOVIE RAD.

I HAVE A CONTROVERSIAL

STATEMENT.

CRU JONES DIDN'T DESERVE TO RACE

HELL TRACK.

BECAUSE SHE CHEATED DURING HIS

QUALIFYING RACES BY TAKING

SIMILAR SHORT CUTS.

PLAY THE TAPE.

[**]

>> Tosh: TOO FAR, DANIEL, TOO

FAR.

EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BRING A

LITTLE INTEGRITY BACK TO THE

SPORT OF BMX RACING.

I HAD TO BE SAID.

I REGRET NOTHING.

THE NEXT JESUS FREAK WILL MAKE

YOU THANK GOD YOU PACKED YOUR

NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: SHE FOUND OUT THE

IN-FLIGHT MOVIE IS AFTER EARTH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T MAKE

HER CHECK HER OVERSIZED

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.

BUT IF SHE YELLS ALLAHU AKBAR

THE SKY POLICE OPEN FIRE.

>> WOULD THE WOMAN IN 25-A

KINDLY SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE.

REMEMBER IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY

YOUR CUSHION CAN BE USED TO

SUFFOCATE THE CRAZY PERSON NEXT

TO YOU.

I'M OMNIPOTENT SO IF YOU TRY TO

DISABLE THE SMOKE DETECTER IN

THE BATHROOM I WILL KNOW.

DON'T THINK I WON'T CRUCIFY YOUR

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT REALISTIC.

GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE IN

COACH.

POVERTY IS MORE OF A JESUS

THING.

IF YOU STILL USE THE POST OFFICE

FOR ANYTHING YOU DESERVE WHAT

YOU GET.

THE POSTMASTER GENERAL IS GOING

IT HEAR ABOUT THIS.

HEY LADY, IT'S A MAIL TRUCK.

NOT A RASCAL SCOOTER.

NOBODY IN HER ROUTE EVER GETS

THE MUFFIN BASKETS SHE ORDER.

SHE DID AS MANY DAMAGE WALKING

ACROSS YOUR LAWN.

NOW LET'S SEE THE KING ON HIS

THRONE.

[BLEEP] PRINCE HARRY'S UP TO HIS

USUAL ANTICS.

SURE, MY OM LET RECIPE TAKES

LONGER BUT YOU'LL TASTE THE

DIFFERENCE.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD BE

DROWNING.

WHATEVER.

AS LONG AS HE'S NOT LOCKING THE

DOOR.

YOU START WITH TOSSING RAW EGGS

NEXT THING YOU'RE PECKER-DEEP IN

POULTRY.

I'VE SEEN IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

>> IT'S COOL, DUDE.

>> Tosh: NOT TO BRAG BUT I HAVE

TO USE CHICKENS BECAUSE CORNISH

GAME HENS ARE A BIG TOO SNUG.

LADIES, WHEN YOU'RE ALL ON FOURS

ON THE DANCE FLOOR KNOW THIS IS

THE AUDIENCE YOU ATTRACT.

WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BLUR THE VIDEO

WE JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.

BIGGIE, BIGGIE, BIGGIE, CAN'T

YOU SEE SOMETIMES YOUR TITS

HYPNOTIZE ME.

IT SEEMS HIS BRA'S ON BACKWARDS.

YOU KNOW HIS NIKE FUEL BAND IS

SKY ROCKET

BEING A MAN THAT SIZE SHOULDN'T

BE ABLE TO SNEAK UP ON YOU.

PLAY DEAD, HE'LL GO AWAY.

WHAT'S NEXT?

LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A CASE

OF THE MONDAYS.

NOW LET'S SEE IF THERE'S LIGHT

AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO INDIA.

THEIR SUBWAYS ARE GROSSER THAN

OURS.

THEY STILL HAVE THE SMELLS AND

AMBIANCE OF THE SEWER BUT WITH

THE ADDED STENCH OF CURRY.

YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE.

NOT THE SAFEST MOVE BUT YOU KNOW

WHAT THEY SAY IN NEW DELHI, FIND

A RUPEE PICK IT UP ALL DAY LONG

YOU'LL HAVE GOOD KARMA.

NOT AS CATCHY.

I CAN'T BLAME HER.

I'D KILL MYSELF IF I LISTENED TO

AMERICANS ALL DAY ABOUT NOT

BEING ABLE TO CONFIGURE THEIR

NETGEAR ROUTERS.

BY RIDING UNDER THE TRAIN HE

LOWERED HER CHANCE OF BEING

ASSAULTED.

I'M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT SHE'LL

BE REINCARNATED AS.

I SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT

AGAIN, WOMEN ARE BAD AT

EVERYTHING.

GOSH DARN IT.

TRY AGAIN IN SEVEN MINUTES,

THREE IF SHE HUSTLES TO THE

NORTHBOUND TRACK.

SHE'S BEING HELD BY HANDSOME

STRANGER.

IF THIS ISN'T A SANDRA BULLOCK

MOVIE WAITING TO HAPPEN I DON'T

KNOW WHAT IT.

HURRY HOME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTE

TO IT TEAR UP.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU FIRST,

TOUCHABLE SMOOTH SKIN HAS ITS

DISADVANTAGES.

[LAUGHTER]

[**]

>> LEAVE HER ALONE!

>> Tosh: TOO REDEEM IS TO

RESTORE A PERSON'S WORTH.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHY "TOSH.0" IS

CREATED TO BRING HONOR BACK TO

THE PSYCHOPATHS WHO LOST IT ON

THE INTERNET LIKE LANE KIFFIN.

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ON MY

SHOW ARE ALL FAMOUS FOR BEING

FAILURES.

I KNOW I CHANGED THEIR LIFE FOR

THE BETTER BUT HAS ANYONE TRULY

ACHIEVED REDEMPTION?

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAITFUL YOU DIE

AND GOD.0 COME ON.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWER TO

THE QUESTION WHERE ARE THEY NOW

IS WHO GIVES A [BLEEP].

HOWEVER, I DO LIKE THE IDEA OF

RECYCLING OLD MATERIAL BY

PRETENDING THE FANS ARE

CLAMORING FOR AN UPDATE.

IF BRAVO CAN DO IT ONCE A WEEK I

CAN CERTAINLY DO IT ONCE EVERY

FIVE YEARS SO I HAD ME PRODUCER

GET A HOLD OF THE FREAKS FOR THE

FIRST EVER "TOSH.0" REDEMPTION

REUNION SPECTACULAR.

FIVE YEARS AGO A MIDDLE-AGED MAN

WITH A VACUUM GOT INSIDE A

BALLOON AND OUR HEARTS.

PLEASE WELCOME, THE PRIDE OF

CHICAGO, BALLOON BILL.

>> HELLO, EVERYBODY.

>> Tosh: BEFORE WE BEGIN, I WANT

YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WERE

MY FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTION BY A

MILE.

>> WELL, I'M HONORED.

>> Tosh: DID YOU MISS ME?

>> I CONSTANTLY DO THINK AT

TIMES.

>> Tosh: ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR

HEALTH YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

>> JUST I'VE GONE THROUGH SOME

OF THE PATCHES THE FAST FOUR

YEARS

I WOUND UP HAVING TO GO TO THE

HOSPITAL AND PASSED OUT.

>> Tosh: WHAT WAS WRONG?

>> DON'T REALLY KNOW.

AND GOING UNDER THE KNIFE I

DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU WHERE IT

WAS.

OH, BOY.

>> Tosh: OH, NO.

TELL ME WHERE IT WAS?

>> GROIN AREA.

>> Tosh: ON YOUR PENIS?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: GENITALS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: FULLY RECOVERED?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: MORE?

>> I WOUND UP WITH A SLIGHT

HEART ATTACK.

>> THEY CUT YOU OPEN?

>> A SMALL HOLE IN MY THIGH AND

USED THE BALLOON OF SORTS TO

OPEN THE ARTERY.

>> Tosh: IRONY.

TELL ME WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON IN

YOUR LIFE.

>> I MET SOMEONE ON A WEBSITE.

>> Tosh: A WEBSITE?

>> AN INTERACTIVE AVATAR SITE.

>> Tosh: DID YOU KISS?

>> ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS?

>> Tosh: DID YOU JUST SEE A

GIRL'S FACE ON A BALLOON?

>> SHE'S REAL.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU STILL MESSING

WITH BALOONS AT ALL?

>> YES, I AM.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE ANY BALLOON

DREAMS IN THE FUTURE?

>> HARD TO SAY.

>> Tosh: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU CRIED AND WHY?

>> A FRIEND OF MINE WAS RIDING A

SCI-FI FANTASY STORY

I GAVE A FEW SUGGESTIONS.

I DRESSED THE AVATAR IN THE

GENERAL'S UNIFORM

YOU HAVE TO BUY THE OUTFIT.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THIS HAVE TO DO

TO YOU CRYING?

>> I'M GETTING TO THAT.

>> Tosh: GOOD LORD, BILL.

>> SHE DIED AS A RESULT.

OH, GOD.

>> Tosh: THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

IS IT REAL?

>> IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STORY.

MY CHARACTER NEARLY CRAWLED INTO

A WHISKEY BOTTLE.

>> Tosh: INTO A WHISKEY BOTTLE?

>> FIGURATIVELY.

>> Tosh: YOU ALWAYS STRUGGLED

WITH GOOD-BYES.

HAVE YOU GOTTEN BETTER?

>> I BELIEVE I HAVE.

>> Tosh: THERE'S ONE UP NOTE.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> Tosh: IT'S BEEN A DEPRESSING

FOUR YEARS.

I'LL CHECK BACK IN IN FIVE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S TALENT AND BEST OF ALL THE

15-YEAR-OLD RISKY BUSINESS GIRL

IS FINALLY LEGAL.

PLEASE WELCOME FANNY.

BEFORE WE BEGIN I WANT YOU TO

KNOW THAT YOU ARE BY FAR AND

AWAY MY FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTION

I'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 19.

>> Tosh: 19 YEARS OLD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR

LIFE NOW?

>> SCHOOL.

>> Tosh: YOUR MODELLING?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DO YOU ENJOY IT?

>> YEAH, I DO.

>> Tosh: LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT

SOME OF YOUR MODELLING PICTURES.

DO YOU KNIT?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: BUT YOU WERE ON THE

COVER OF THAT MAGAZINE.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU MADE OTHER

FUNNY VIDEOS?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK I'M

CREEPY?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU ON THE PILL?

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

>> YEAH, I DO.

>> Tosh: SH.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING?

>> LIKE TWO YEARS.

>> Tosh: IS HE A MILLIONAIRE.

DO YOU DATE OLDER MEN.

I'LL THROW A NUMBER.

38.

>> YEAH THAT, MAKES ME SICK.

>> Tosh: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT

THAT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF

YOUR BODY?

>> MY HAIR.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S MY FAVORITE PART

OF YOUR BODY.

DO YOU STILL HAVE THE UNDERWEAR

YOU WORE IN THAT REDEMPTION?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: IN 2009 A BLACK MAN WAY

FAKE AFRO HELPED ME INTRODUCE TO

THE WORLD WEB REDEMPTION HE'S

KNOWN AS MY FIRST, STUNT MAN

EXTRAORDINAIRE MARK HICKS.

THAT'S EXTREMELY UNNECESSARY,

MARK.

>> DANIEL.

>> Tosh: GOOD TO SEE.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Tosh: NICE TO SEE YOU.

DONE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BY FAR

AND AWAY YOU WERE MY FAVORITE

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> THEY SAY THE FIRST IS

SPECIAL.

>> Tosh: DID IT MAKE YOU PROUD

TO BE PART OF TV HISTORY?

>>I GUESS SO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING

DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHEN I SHOT THAT WITH

YOU FIVE YEARS AGO I WAS BALDING

BUT YEARS OF NEEDLES TO MY HEAD,

PILLS AND CREAMS AND LOOK WHAT

I'M DEALING WITH.

WE'RE GOING TO CUT TO THAT OLD

FOOTAGE.

LOOK AT THAT HEAD.

YOU WERE A PART OF OUR PILOT

BEFORE IT EVEN GOT PICKED UP TO

BE ON TELEVISION.

BASICALLY, I'M NOT GOING TO PAY

YOU EXTRA FOR THIS BUT THE

REALITY IS YOU WERE WHAT SOLD

THE SHOW TO THE NETWORK.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU GOTTEN

RESIDUALS?

>> I WAS SUPPOSED TO?

>> Tosh: HOW'S THE STUNT WORLD

TREATING YOU.

>> I WORKED ON A FILM.

>> Tosh: WE HAVE A SEEN FROM

FAST FIVE.

I'D LIKE TO WATCH THAT.

WHO IS BETTER LOOKING IN PERSON,

ME OR PAUL WALKER?

>> OOH.

>> Tosh: THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE

TO THINK ABOUT THAT IS ENOUGH

FOR ME.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WOULD YOU SAYING BEING ON THIS

SHOW WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR

CAREER?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WELL, MARK YOU MADE MY

LIFE BETTER

I WOULDN'T HAVE SOLD THE SHOW

WITHOUT YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> TAKE CARE.

EXCUSE ME.

DONE.

>> Tosh: OUR NEXT GET IS

ARGUABLY OUR BEST REDEMPTION.

IT'S CHRIS CROCKER.

HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY?

>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

>> Tosh: BEFORE WE BEGIN I WANT

YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE BY FAR AND

AWAY MY MOST FAVORITE WEB

REDEMPTION I'VE EVER SHOT.

>> REALLY?

>> Tosh: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE

CHANNELING YOUR FEMININE SIDE.

>> I WAS GOING TO GET IMPLANTS.

>> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW IF I'M

LATE TO THE GAME BUT ARE YOU

TELLING ME YOUR GAY?

>> I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.

>> Tosh: WHAT ARE YOU BEEN UP

TO?

>> I'VE BEEN DABBLING IN MUSIC.

I DID A PORN --

>> Tosh: SO YOU'RE IN FILM?

>> I'M IN FILM.

SO THE PORN HAPPENED BECAUSE I

WAS RELATIONSHIP FOR THREE YEARS

AND I WANTED A HOUSE AND NOT

GOING TO MAKE CHRIS CROCKER

MOVIE.

I WAS LIKE LET'S DO A PORN.

>> Tosh: WE HAVE A SCENE.

>> THESE CHICKS, KIM KARDASHIAN,

PARIS HILTON PRETENDED IT WAS

LEAKED BUT I OWNED IT.

I WAS LIKE IF I'M GOING TO DO

THIS AND LET THE WORLD SEE ME

GET SCREWED.

>> Tosh: IS YOUR [BLEEP] HOLE

BLEACHED.

>> DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE LIMP

WRIST, I'M A TOP, AMERICA SO YOU

KNOW.

>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR

CHAIR?

SOMETIMES IT'S JUST BETTER TO

LET PEOPLE GO AWAY AND BE

CURIOUS.

HERE'S YOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S BETTER THAN

HITTING THE MALL?

HITTING IT WITH A NERF SLING

SLOT.

HAVE YOU TO LOVE THIS.

>> YOU LOVE MINE?

>> DEFINITELY.

>> Tosh: SETH GREEN TALENTED,

HARD-WORKING, SURE, BUT I'LL BE

DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T SAY I'M THE

MOST TALENTED NORFIN TROLL EVER.

SADLY THE INTERNET UNCOVERS ALL

OUR SHAMEFUL SECRETS.

HERE'S A RARE OUTTAKE FROM THE

FIRST COMMERCIAL I EVER BOOKED.

>> I'M SORRY ABOUT IT SEEMS LIKE

I'M PLAYING WITH A DOLL.

>> NO, IT'S A MY BUDDY.

>> IT'S A DOLL FOR SISSY BOYS,

RIGHT?

>> JUST PLAY WITH IT.

>> Tosh: THE ONLY DOLLS A MAN

SHOULD PLAY WITH ARE INFLATABLE.

AFTER THAT MY MOTHER QUIT HER

JOB TO BECOME A FULL-TIME STAGE

MOM AND LIVED NAY SKYLARK BEFORE

MY NEXT WEEK.

YOU'RE MAKING CHICKEN AND STOVE

TOP?

>> WITH CELERY AND ONIONS?

>> WHAT TIME?

>> 6:00?

>> CAN DANIEL EAT AT OUR HOUSE?

>> 9:00, WHAT ARE YOU SPANISH?

YOUR BODY NEEDS TIME TO DIGEST

BEFORE BED TIME.

SORRY.

I'M NOT GOING TO DRAG [BLEEP]

TOMORROW BECAUSE I HAD TWO

MICROWAVEABLE THANKSGIVING

DINNERS THEN I THOUGHT MY NEXT

BIG BREAK IS WHEN I LANDED A GIG

AS A GIANT FRUIT.

>> CUT.

WHAT ARE YOU?

>> I'M A DATE AND PEOPLE LOVE

DATES.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD.

>> Tosh: THIS GUY'S NOT EVEN I

FRUIT.

I'VE BEEN A BVD MAN EVER SINCE.

COURSE MY JEALOUS BROTHER

COULDN'T STAND TO SEE ME IN THE

SPOTLIGHT AND SO HE GOT IN THE

BUSINESS AS WELL.

* A DOUBLE PLEASURE FROM DOUBLE

MINUTE GUM *

* A DOUBLE GREAT FEELING MAKE

YOU REALIZE DOUBLE MINT'S THE

ONE FOR YOU *

* DOUBLE FRESH *

* DOUBLE SMOOTH *

* DOUBLE DELICIOUS TO CHEW *

* A DOUBLE PLEASURE'S WAITING

FOR YOU *

>> Tosh: NOBODY ROCKED THE ONE

PIECE LIKE THE TOSH TWINS.

THAT WAS A FUN WALK DOWN MEMORY

LANE.

NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF

THE WEEK.

>> STOP IT!

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: TOO BAD THOSE VINES ARE

ONLY SIX SECONDS LONG BECAUSE

THEY HAD HORRIFIC CAR CRASH

RIGHT AFTER THAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF

THE WORLD STANDS UP.

>> HELLO.

I'M DANIEL.

I'M YOUR SERVER.

TONIGHT'S SPECIAL IS LINE-CAUGHT

COPPER SALMON FINISHED WITH A

WINE CAPER SAUCE AND PAN-ROASTED

BRUSSEL SPROUTS.

IT DOES SOUND GOOD.

I'LL BE BACK WITH WATER AND WARM

PRETZEL BREAD FOR THE TABLE.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE

CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WITH THIS

HAUNTING PIECE OF ASS.

>> LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I DANCE.

WE'RE GOING TO WORK ON OUR LOWER

BODY AND LEGS AND ESPECIALLY THE

BUTT.

>> Tosh: THEY DON'T MAKE THEM

LIKE THEY USED TO.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND I

PROMISE TO FOLLOW BACK.

KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG ON THE

INTERNET AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY

QUARTERLY JOURNAL AND THERE'S A

NEW BRICKLEBERRY COMING UP NEXT

OR DRAW YOUR OWN CARTOON AND SEE

IF YOU CAN DO BETTER.

FINALLY WHAT, KIND OF WORLD DO

WE LIVE IN IF CUTE YOUNG BOYS

CAN'T DANCE AROUND IN THEIR ROOM

SEMI-NUDE WITHOUT THEIR PARENTS

BARGING IN WAY GO PRO.

SINCE IT'S ALREADY BEEN UPLOADED

CONTRACTUALLY I HAVE TO PUT THEM

ON TV.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> GET OUT!

[LAUGHTER]

STOP IT!

>> Tosh: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A

VAGINA IN YOUR FACE?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DID YOUR FATHER WANT TO

KILL ME?