Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[LAUGHTER]

[ THEME MUSIC ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IF HE CAN AFFORD A

COFFEE TABLE HE'D ALREADY KNOW

WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IN HONOR OF BREAST CANCER

AWARENESS MONTH I'M WEARING PINK

BUT UNLIKE THE NFL I'M NOT GOING

PRETEND ALL THE PROCEEDS ARE

GOING TO RESEARCH WHEN IT'S

ACTUALLY LESS THAN 5%.

WAY TO PROFIT OFF SICK TITTIES,

ROGER GOODELL.

OT OFF MY SOAPBOX.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I FORCE THIS

COMPETITIVE EATER DOWN YOUR

THROAT, WE LET MOM GIVE US A SEX

TALK AND GIVE HOMAGE TO MY

FAVORITE FEMALE MUSICIANS.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY KICKBOXING IS

FOR GIRLS THAT NEED TO LOSE A

FEW.

THAT'S WASN'T THE BELL.

KEEP KICKING.

GUESS THE THREE PAIR OFS TO MANY

DIDN'T GET THERE IN TIME.

I'D SAY ICE IT BUT WE ALL KNOW

THAT COUNTRY DOESN'T HAVE ICE SO

WRAP TIN BANANA LEAVES OR

WHATEVER THE VILLAGE WITCH

DOCTOR RECOMMENDS.

PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICH BECAUSE

IT'S TIME TO WATCH A FROG

TURTLING.

>> THAT'S A HUGE TURD.

>> I MIGHT NEAT STITCHES.

>> Tosh: I GUESS WE KNOW WHO ATE

ALL THE FLIES.

QUICK, KISS IT SO IT WILL TURN

INTO SOMETHING WITH A BIGGER

B-HOLE.

>> HOLY.

>> Tosh: THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE

STEPPING IN EVERY TIME YOU WALK

INTO A LAKE.

TURDPOLES.

>> LOOK HOW MUCH IT STRETCHES

HER ANUS THERE.

>> QUIT BLABBERING AND LET HER

PLAY CANDY CRUSH.

BE CARE FULL GLEN'S GRUMPY

BEFORE HIS MORNING CUP OF

COFFEE.

>> [BLEEP].

[BLEEP]

>> Tosh: HE JUST GOT MUGGED.

>> THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

>> Tosh: THE HAZELNUT VERSUS

FRENCH VANILLA CREAMER BATTLE

RAGES ON.

AT LEAST HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE

[BLEEP] HOLE WHO'S HOLD HIS

COFFEE MUG WITH TWO HANDS.

I TOO ENJOY HURTING PEOPLE WITH

MUGS BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE MORE

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

>> IT MADE HER HAPPIER.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FELL

APART SO FAST.

I'M GOING TO LOSE MY KIDS.

>> YEAH, I SHOULD PROBABLY STAY

OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

>> WE CALL IT MARS BARS WITH

PETER SARS GUARDS.

>> I THINK WEAL REMEMBER HOW

EXCITED I WAS FOR LAST YEAR'S

PARTY.

>> WE'RE A LITTLE BEHIND

SCHEDULE.

I'M HAVING A HARD TIME BOOKING A

WOMAN.

>> NO SMART [BLEEP] REMARKS FOR

ME?

>> WHAT?

NO.

>> Tosh: CAN'T BELIEVE HE MADE

ME RUIN MY BEST CLIP SHOW HOST

MUG.

HOPEFULLY I'LL BE NOMINATED

AGAIN SOME DAY.

HERE'S PROOF THE FLUSHED BABIES

ARE DOING FINE.

SEE, COLORADO THAT'S HOW YOU

MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD

SITUATION.

SURE IS, YOU LOST EVERYTHING YOU

SPENT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WORKING

FOR BUT NOT YOU LIVE IN A WATER

PARK.

THEY'RE GOING TO DIE ON THE

STREET ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

YOU CAN'T KICK A DEFLATED SOCCER

BALL AROUND FOREVER.

UNLESS THIS IS WHERE DRAKE

STARTED FROM, HE'S BEEN LYING TO

ALL OF US.

THAT'S THE BOTTOM.

CANADA?

THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I

WENT [BLEEP] SLIDING WITH CRU

JONES.

>> THIS RAIN WATER RUNOFF HAS

BEEN DRIED FOR YEARS, CRU.

I'M JUST REALLY TURNED ON RIGHT

NOW.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW I LET

HIM DOUBLE TEAM ME ONCE.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS A SPRINGBOARD

AS MY ROLE AS AUNT BECKY ON FULL

HOUSE.

HERE'S WHY THOMAS EDISON CAN GO

[BLEEP] HIMSELF.

>> Tosh: POOR WALL E.

BLEW THROUGH HIS PIXAR MONEY AND

HAD TO TAKE A JOB AT DAIRY

QUEEN.

THEY NEED TO INVENT ONE THAT

LIGHTLY STOP THE 57.

LOAD ONE WITH ANAL LUBE AND YOU

HAVE AN INVESTOR.

SHARK TANK THAT [BLEEP].

KETCHUP IS FOR SQUARES.

YOU FOOD-BLOGGING HIPSTERS WILL

GO CRAZY FOR MY NEW ROBOT.

>> IT GOES ON EVERYTHING.

>> JUST A LITTLE ON MY TACO,

PLEASE.

>> Tosh: RELAX, GUYS, IT'S A

PROTOTYPE.

THAT'S A SPICYMEATBALL.

WHY ARE YOU ALL WEARING WHITE

ANYWAY?

ARE YOU GOING WIMBLEDON.

IT'S A LIE.

WE'RE LIVING IN THE FUTURE.

EXCITING TIMES.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> I SAID LET ME GO.

>> NO.

>> PUT IT DOWN.

>> GIVE IT TO ME.

>> Tosh: OLD SPICE COMMERCIALS

KEEP GETTING WEIRD AND WEIRDER.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY I DO ALL MY

SHOPPING ONLINE IN THIS WEEK'S

MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

TARGET MAY BE ANTI-GAY BUT AT

LEAST THEY'RE NOT FILLED WITH

THE RIFFRAFF YOU FIND AT AN

ECKERD.

I HATE WHEN THEY PUT THE IMPULSE

BUYS BY THE REGISTER.

I DON'T NEED ANOTHER NAKED BLACK

MAN.

I'D PEG HIM MORE FOR A BAR OF

SOAP.

THE SOONER HE GETS HIS SHOWER

GEL HE'LL GET HIS TAINT OFF YOUR

COUNTER.

OF COURSE HE'S UPSET.

THERE'S NO REFILLS LEFT ON HIS

ANGEL DUST PRESCRIPTION

YOU LOOK LIKE MORE LIKE RICK

ROSS, BITCH.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE'D GET HIS

SHOWER GEL BECAUSE RICK ROSS IS

THE BOSS.

>> YOU GOT KIDS IN THE STORE.

>> Tosh: FOR THE RECORD ADULTS

ARE GROSSED OUT TOO.

>> COME ON.

>> LOOK AT THIS, FOOL, MAN.

>> Tosh: THAT'S AS GOOD A PLACE

AS ANY TO CHECK YOUR OWN OIL.

>> OH, GEEZ.

>> Tosh: FOR GOD'S SAKE, THAT'S

WHY HE NEEDED SHOWER GEL.

MAYBE HE'S ONE OF THOSE SECRET

SHOPPERS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW HE ALSO NEEDS

HAND SANITIZER.

AND TOOTHPASTE.

DOES DOVE SELL A THREE IN ONE

BODY, BUTTHOLE MOUTH WASH?

GET HIM TO THE FREE TESTER.

THAT'S THE PHYSIQUE OF A MAN WHO

DOES NOT GIVE A [BLEEP].

AT LEAST WE PROVED THE

CUSTOMER'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU.

FIRST OUR AMAZING ASIAN OF THE

WEEK OR AMASIAN FOR SHORT.

>> IS HE GOING TO TIME IT?

>> READY?

>> [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: ON YOU'RE YOUR WAY OUT

DROPPING THE HEALTH RATING DOWN

TO A C.

THAT'LL RALPH AND HE HOOK UP HIS

HANDROLL WHILE TRYING TO

COMPLETE THE LEVEL 10 SPICY

SUSHI CHALLENGE.

SURE, HE RUINED HIS STOMACH

LINED AND ALMOST DRANK HIS OWN

SPEW IN PUBLIC BUT ALMOST WON A

T-SHIRT.

COMPETITIVE EATING WAS CREATED

SO LARD ASSES CAN SAY THEY PLAY

A SPORT.

YOU'RE NOT ATHLETES.

YOU'RE FAT BABIES.

WE DON'T NEED YOUR PICTURE ON

THE RESTAURANT TO PROVE YOU'RE

GOOD AT EATING.

THE MOST FAMOUS EVENT IS THE

NATHAN'S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST.

THE REST OF THE WORLD ONLY HAS

ONE FOOD CHALLENGE IT'S CALLED

LIFE.

FEMALE COMPETITIVE EATERS NEVER

WIN BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS STOP IN

THE MIDDLE TO ASK FOR LEMON IN

THEIR WATER AND HAVE YOU TRY

THEIRS.

THE ONLY COMPETITIVE EATERS ARE

MODELS BECAUSE THEY KNOW DEFENSE

WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS.

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY

FEELS, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

BUT RALPH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A

GLASS HALF-FULL KIND OF GUY SO I

BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD WHERE

PEOPLE KNOW TO THROW UP BEFORE

THEY GO ON CAMERA IN THIS WEEK'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> GOOD DAY.

>> Tosh: WELCOME.

YOU HUNGRY?

>> WHAT YOU GOT?

>> Tosh: BEST SUSHI IN CULVER

CITY.

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> LONG BEACH.

>> Tosh: LBZ.

DO YOU THINK YOUR NAME IS RALPH

AND YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOU

THROWING UP.

>> THAT'S NOT WEIRD.

I'VE BEEN DOING CRAZY STUFF ALL

MY LIFE.

>> Tosh: I KNOW BUT YOUR NAME'S

RALPH AND YOU WERE THROWING UP.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> Tosh: BUT YOU STILL AGREED TO

DO THE CHALLENGE.

>> I WANTED TO PROVE THEM WRONG.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE CHALLENGE?

>> A SPICY CALIFORNIA ROLL.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU

WIN?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO BE A CHAMPION.

>> Tosh: THIS IS WHITE RICE WITH

CHEWING TOBACCO AND BARBECUE

SAUCE TO FINISH HER OFF.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT

NIGHT.

>> WE WENT THERE TRYING TO

DEFEAT THE SUSHI CHALLENGE.

>> Tosh: HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?

>> I WASN'T THAT DRUNK.

>> Tosh: BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE

LARGEST BITE I MAY HAVE EVER

SEEN.

>> ANY ATTITUDE IS BALLS TO THE

WALL.

>> Tosh: GOOD FOR YOU.

>> SO I TOOK THE BIGGEST BITE I

COULD TO SEE IF I CAN HANDLE IT.

>> Tosh: CAN YOU FEEL THE HEAT

IMMEDIATELY?

>> NO, IT WAS MORE THE ACTUAL

TASTE.

>> YOU THINK YOU GOT SICK

BECAUSE IT WAS RAW FISH?

>> EXACTLY.

>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU DRINK YOUR

OWN VOMIT?

>> I'VE DONE IT ON MULTIPLE

OCE

OCCASIONS I DRANK TOO MUCH BEER

AND CATCH IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND

DRINK IT.

IT WASN'T NEW TO ME.

>> Tosh: SO A STRAW'S DIFFERENT.

>> AT THE TIME IT SEEMED

NATURAL.

>> YOU MAKE SENSE.

DID YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE PEOPLE

SITTING NEXT TO YOU?

>> I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THEM.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK THEY WERE

THINK BUT?

>> I'M SURE THEY DID.

>> Tosh: YOU SHOULD GO ON YELP

BECAUSE I AM SURE SOMEONE WROTE

A REVIEW ABOUT YOU BEFORE A GUY

DRINK HIS OWN VOMIT.

I LOST THE COMPETITION BUT I

DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON YOUR

DREAM.

>> I HAVEN'T LOST IT.

>> Tosh: GOOD.

I KNOW A COMPETITION WITH THE

HOTTEST FOOD IN THE WORLD.

>> I'M IN.

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE 48th

ANNUAL SUPER BOWL BY SPOON

AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE SOUP EATING

UTENSIL SINCE 1982.

FIRST IS O'BRIEN A WRITER ON THE

SHOW WHO I [BLEEP] YOU NOT HAS

NEVER TASTED SOUP.

HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

>> I DON'T LIKE THE TEXTURE.

I DON'T LIKE EATING LIQUIDS AS A

FOOD.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM EAT

SOUP.

>> Tosh: NEXT, BECAUSE THERE'S

NO ONE THAT LOVES SOUP MORE THAN

AN OLD LADY LET'S HEAR IT FOR

THIS OLD LADY.

THE NEXT GUY'S A LOCAL FAVORITE

AND HAS BEEN SEEN EATING SOUP IN

THE KITCHEN WELCOME SAMMY.

NEXT TO HIM IS A MAN WHO'S DRANK

HIS OWN VOMIT AT THE SUSHI

CHALLENGE.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY BOY, RALPH.

AND FINALLY THE PRINCE OF HOT

DOGS THE EMPEROR OF COMPETITIVE

EATING THE ONE AND ONLY JOEY

CHESTNUT.

THIS IS A NON-SANCTIONED EVENT.

MAJOR LEAGUE EATING HAS NO

AFFILIATION WITH THE SOUPER

BOWL.

HERE'S HOW IT WILL WORK.

A BOWL OF SOUP WILL BE PLACED

BEFORE YOU USING ONLY YOUR

SPOON.

YOU MUST CONSUME THE ENTIRE

CONTENTS OF THE BALL WHOEVER

FINISHES FASTEST WILL GET FOUR

POINTS AND NEXT FASTEST THREE

POINTS AND SO AND AND SO FORTH.

LET THE SOUPER BOWL BEGIN.

>> WAIT, WE NEED TO SAY GRACE

FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: AMEN.

>> OH, NO!

>> Tosh: MEDICS?

>> WE LOST HIM.

>> CAUSE OF DEATH?

>> Tosh: HE DIED THE WAY HE ATE

HOT DOGS TOO QUICKLY.

THE FIRST IS A RICH, CREAMY NEW

ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER.

PHOTO FINISH IN ROUND ONE.

NEXT UP IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL

CROCK OF GOOEY FRENCH ONION

SOUP.

DO YOU ENJOY IT?

>> I HATE THIS.

>> Tosh: HOW'S IT GOING, RALPH?

>> NOT AN ISSUE.

>> THE SOUP IS COLD.

>> Tosh: RALPH TAKES THIS ROUND.

WHO'S READY FOR PIPING HOT SHARK

FIN SOUP?

THE SCARIEST OF ALL SOUP.

>> I AM.

>> Tosh: HERE'S CONDENSED

CAMPBELLS TOMATO WITHOUT THE

ADDITIONAL CAN OF WATER.

>> THIS ISN'T SOUP.

>> Tosh: WHO'S READY FOR LOBSTER

BISQUE OR BLACK BEANS?

ARE YOU BOYCOTTING THIS ROUND?

>> IT'S STUPID.

>> Tosh: THIS IS RAVIOLI SOUP.

THAT'S ROUND 17.

THE CONTEST IS HEATING UP WHICH

MEANS THAT'S A PERFECT TIME TO

BRING OUT THE FIVE-ALARM CHILI.

TOO SPICY?

>> THE WARMNESS MAKES IT HOTTER.

>> Tosh: CAN I GET THAT ON A

T-SHIRT?

RALPH, YOU'RE A LOCK TO WIN OUR

GRAND PRIZE WHICH IS HAVING YOUR

OWN SOUP NAMED AFTER YOU AT SOUP

PLANTATION.

AMERICA'S ONLY SOUP PLACE

PUBLICLY ENDORSED SINCE SLAVERY.

>> DONE.

>> Tosh: WE ARE OUR CHAMPION.

WE HAVE OUR CHAMPION.

YOU FEEL OKAY?

>> I DON'T KNOW, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOING TO GET

SICK?

>> NO, I'M GOOD.

>> Tosh: YOU SURE?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU RALPHING IN

HERE?

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF

SHOWMANSHIP?

I CAN BRING YOU THE STRAW IF YOU

WANT TO DRINK SOME OF IT.

THREE DAYS LATER JOEY CHESTNUT

ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND APPEARED

AT A POTSTICKER EATING CONTEST.

JOEY CHESTNUT, J.C.

COINCIDENCE?

YEAH, IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

IT'S NOT A HIT AND RUN IF YOU

BRING THE VICTIM HOME WITH YOU.

>> CALL THE POLICE FOR ME?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> HE RAN ME OVER.

CALL THE POLICE FOR ME.

>> OKAY.

>> WHAT IS MY LITTLE BOY DOING?

HMM?

YOU BETTER ANSWER TO YOUR MOMMY.

I NEED TO INSPECT WHAT'S IN YOUR

PANTS.

PULL THEM DOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT, PULL THEM DOWN AND

LET THEM DROP AROUND YOUR

ANKLES.

I WANT TO SEE HOW BIG YOUR PENIS

IS.

>> Tosh: THE BOND BETWEEN A

MOTHER AND CHILD IS A POWERFUL

THING.

PEOPLE LOVE TO COMPLAIN HOW I'M

ALWAYS NAKED ON THE SHOW OR MAY

OR MAY NOT BE GAY BUT THEY DON'T

UNDERSTAND WHAT KIND OF

HOUSEHOLD I GREW UP IN.

THE WOMAN IN THE FETISH VIDEO IS

MY MOM.

AND THE BOY SHE'S TALKING TO IS

ME.

>> WHAT, YOU'RE EMBARRASSED?

YOU CAN'T BE EMBARRASSED IN

FRONT OF YOUR MOMMY.

I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.

>> Tosh: SURE, PLAY THE GAME.

>> Tosh:

>> PULL THEM DOWN.

LET THEM DROP AROUND YOUR

ANKLES.

I WANT SEE HOW BIG YOUR PENIS

IS.

YOU'RE A BAD, BAD, BAD LITTLE

BOY.

HOW DARE YOU -- SHOW ME A LITTLE

PENIS LIKE THAT?

>> Tosh: IS THERE NO PLEASING

YOU, MOTHER.

THIS IS WHY I WANT TO LIVE WITH

DAD AND SHARON.

>> NO WONDER WHY YOU DON'T HAVE

A GIRLFRIEND.

>> BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF

BRINGING HER HOME TO MEET YOU

SCARES ME.

>> I WANT TO SEE YOU STROKE IT.

TAKE YOUR LITTLE FINGERS LIKE

THAT AND STROKE YOUR LITTLE

BITTY --

>> Tosh: MY INSTINCTS ARE

TELLING YOU NOT TO.

MOTHER KNOWS BEST.

>> PLAY WITH YOUR BITTY BALLS

TOO.

LOOK HOW SMALL THEY ARE.

>> Tosh: THE EMOTIONAL SCAR IS

NOT LITTLE.

>> ARE YOU CLOSE?

>>:

>> Tosh: YEAH, TO REPORTING YOUR

ASS TO CHILD SERVICES.

>> SQUEEZE IT.

>> Tosh: I'M GOING IGNORE THAT

REQUEST.

>> MOMMY'S ORDERING YOU, NOW.

>> Tosh: FINE.

BUT STOP TALKING FOR AT LEAST

TWO SECONDS.

>> IS THAT IT?

I COULD SPIT MORE THAN THAT.

>> Tosh: WHY WERE WE AT A

HAMPTON INN?

BECAUSE KIDS STAY FREE.

THAT'S HAMPTONALITY.

>> WHAT'S MY NAME?

>> YOU ASKED ME TO CALL ME

VAGINA.

>> SURI, WHAT'S MY NAME?

>> Tosh: MARK MY WORDS HE'LL BE

ON SNL IN NO TIME.

YOU GO FROM A VINE VIDEO TO

FUTURE PLAYER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE BOYS IN

THE COAST TOWARD FOR KEEPING OUR

PELICANS, PIERS AND BEACH

VOLLEYBALL COURTS SAFE.

IT'S TIME TO BRING THEM HOME,

OBAMA.

NEXT WEEK WE'LL CHECK IN ON

CLASSIC WEB REDEMPTIONS TO SEE

HOW THEIR LIVES HAVE CHANGED

SINCE MEETING ME AND YES, FANNY

WILL BE HERE AND ACCORDING TO MY

CALCULATIONS SHE'S NO LONGER AND

CHECK OUT MY BLOG AND CHECK OUT

MY WOMAN-WOMAN SHOW AT A THEATER

NEAR YOU AND TICKETS ARE ON SALE

FOR TOSH SAVES THE WORLD SHARE

THE AND NEXT IS BRICKLEBERRY AND

WE DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH BUT WOMEN

ARE AMAZING AND WE CREATED A NEW

SEGMENT CALLED TALENTED WOMEN

PLAYING GUITAR, ON MUTE.

>>

>> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE

DID IT BUT TOWARD THE END IT WAS

ANNOYING.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT MY SHOW

BUT AT LEAST IT'S OVER.