Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> HEY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IDIOT, SIDE POCKET.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

PLEASE GIVE THE NEW CAST MEMBERS

A CHANCE.

THIS, LIKE EVERY SEASON IS A

REBUILD BEING SEASON.

TONIGHT THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH

THIS REDEMPTION.

WE TAKE A HARD LOOK AT THE

ADORABLE SIDE OF ADDICTION AND A

SHOW YOU A HIGH SCHOOL THAT

REALLY STINKS.

NOW, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY NEXT

JUST LEAVE A QUARTER ON THE

TABLE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING

TO SURPRISE [BLEEP] YOUR BUDDY.

STILL LESS EMBARRASSING THAN

GETTING KNOCKED OUT BY A GIRL.

THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON AN

AIR HOCKEY TABLE BECAUSE YOUR

HEAD WOULD FLOAT ABOVE IT ON A

CUSHION OF AIR.

I BELIEVE THAT ROOM IS HAUNTED

BY THE GHOST OF THE THREE

STOOGES.

>> THE GAME ROOM IS DANGEROUS.

THERE'S A FOOSBALL ROD SHOVED UP

MY [BLEEP] THERE'S FIVE MORE UP

THERE.

>> Tosh: YOU GIVE YOUNG PEOPLE

AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE AND THIS

IS WHAT HAPPENS.

SHENANIGANS.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S WHY THE LADIES ALWAYS

WANT TO GO ON SAFARIS.

>> CHRIST.

[BLEEP]

>> Tosh: OKAY.

LET'S ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN

THE ROOM.

IT'S SMALLER THAN HIS NOSE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT PROPORTIONS.

>> YOU READY?

>> YOU GOT HIS KNOB?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: I WONDER IF HE CAN EAT

PEANUTS WITH THAT THING?

COURSE HE WAS HORNY.

I WAS DRIVING A SEXY FIAT

ABARTHES.

>> HE'S TRYING TO GET ALL BUGGY.

TALLY HO.

WOULD YOU MIND BEING AROUND

SOMEONE ELSE.

ME AND THE MISSES ARE ON

HOLIDAY.

BUG OFF NOW YOU BOBLER.

I'M LIKELY TO RUN OUT OF PETRO

RUNS OUT CHEERS.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

>> Tosh: DID YOU KNOW ELEPHANTS

LIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND

NOSE AND [BLEEP]S DON'T STOP

GROWING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WORKS FOR

BUT IT'S NOT PAPA JOHNS, ROUND

TABLE, GOTH FATHERS, CHUCK E

CHEESE, PITFIRE.

IT'S NOT THEM OR ANYONE SO DON'T

CONSIDER ANYONE WHO WOULD SPEND

A DOLLAR ADVERTISING ON COMEDY

CENTRAL.

PINEAPPLE IS A FRUIT NOT A PIZZA

TOPPING.

THE CHINESE GUY JUST LICKS

EVERYTHING, JUST FREAKS.

THE CHINESE JUST FREAKS.

LUCKILY THE CHEESY BREAD HAS NOT

BEEN COMPROMISED.

NOW, HE'S AN OLD MAN PLAYING

WITH A BALL.

>> Tosh: THIS IS WHY I VALET.

WHAT WAS THE CAR SUPPOSED TO DO

WAIT FOR HIM TO GET UP?

YOU ONLY GET 15 MINUTES OF FREE

PARKING.

HOW COME GETTING BONKED ON THE

HEAD HURTS WORSE THAN A CAR

DRIVING OVER HIM?

MOVING ON.

DEARLY BELOVED GATHERED HERE

TODAY TO WATCH THE NEXT CLIP.

>> IN ACCORDANCE WITH GOD'S WILL

YOU DO NOW CONFESS IT.

WE'RE STILL GOOD, HUH?

PLEASE, SIRS, LEAVE.

PLEASE.

>> WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?

>> ANYWHERE OTHER THAN HERE.

THIS IS A SOLEMN ASSEMBLY NOT A

PHOTOGRAPHY SESSION OR I WILL

STOP.

>> Tosh: OOH.

HE DOESN'T ALLOW CAMERAS WHEN HE

FELLOWSHIPS WITH ALTER BOYS

EITHER.

RUNS A TIGHT SHIP.

>> I WILL STOP THE CEREMONY IF

YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF THE WAY.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE

PHOTOGRAPHY.

THIS IS ABOUT GOD.

>> Tosh: WRONG, AGAIN OLD MAN.

SHE DIDN'T STARVE HERSELF FOR

THE LAST THREE MONTHS TO PLEASE

GOD.

IT'S ABOUT LIKES ON FACEBOOK.

IMAGINE HOW UPSET HE'D GET IF HE

HAD TO MARRY A COUPLE GAYS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

AT LEAST NOBODY NOTICED THE GUY

WAS LATE.

ANY ROOM FOR ME IN THIS AISLE?

OKAY.

I'LL SCOOT OVER HERE.

MY APOLOGIES TO THE THE WEDDING

PAY I DIDN'T REALIZE MY

PHOTOGRAPHY SESSION WAS THAT

DISTRACTING.

>> I WILL STOP IF YOU DO NOT GET

OUT THE WAY.

>> Tosh: YOU RESERVED IT UNTIL

4:00.

IT'S 4:15 THERE'S A SMALL WINDOW

WHEN THE LIGHT WILL HIT AND

CREATE MADNESS.

PERFECT.

TO BE FAIR, HER VAG WAS THE

SOMETHING BORROWED AND BLUE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> YOU WANT TO RUN FROM ME?

>> Tosh: THAT'S THE LAST GUY YOU

WANT IN YOUR CHEERING SECTION.

NOW LET'S WATCH THEM FIGHT TO

THE FINISH OR UNTIL A CAR PUTS

THEM ALL ON WHEELCHAIRS IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

JUST ANOTHER QUIET DAY IN THE

BIG APPLE.

HEY, YOU BUMS, RESPECT YOUR

FELLOW NEW YORKERS AND TURN THE

STREET FIGHT INTO THEY SIDEWALK

FIGHT SO NOBODY'S LATE FOR WORK.

>> YOU WANT TO RUN FROM ME?

>> Tosh: THE UPSIDE TO BEING IN

THE WHEELCHAIR IS HAVE YOU A

RINGSIDE SEAT TO LIFE.

HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THE

SUNGLASSES ON HIS HEAD?

I'M STUMPED.

THAT BLOND IN THE STONE WASHED

JEANS IS EITHER A WOMAN OR A

DOUGHY VINCE NEAL.

YEAH, CALL THE COPS.

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THIS.

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.

THAT'S PERFECT.

THIS FIGHT JUST GOT FUN-SIZED.

LOOK AT THAT STAR FISH FROM

SPONGE BOB GO.

WHAT A FAKER.

HE DOESN'T NEED A WHEELCHAIR.

LIEUTENANT DAN NEVER LEAVES A

MAN BEHIND.

YOU KNOW HE'S SERIOUS WHEN HE

RISKS SCROTUM ROAD RASH.

OKAY, HERE'S A RECAP.

I HAVE NO [BLEEP]ING CLUE WHAT'S

HAPPENING.

HE'S EATING HIM.

THAT'S THE MOST BAD ASS THING

YOU CAN DO IN A STREET FIVE GIVE

ANOTHER MAN A HICKEY.

TODDLERS ARE SCARED TO GO NEAR

HIM.

WE NEED TO CALM HIM DOWN

SOMEONE SWADDLE THAT THING IN

BLANKETS.

I'M JUST GLAD THEY CAN'T ARREST

HIM BECAUSE THE CUFFS WOULD

SLIDE RIGHT OFF AND FOR THAT WE

THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO REDEEM

THE NEW AGE ENTHUSIASMS BUT

FIRST YOU THINK AN MMA REPORTER

WOULD BE LESS SQUEAMISH.

>> I KNOW THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE.

GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE

FIGHT.

OH.

WAIT, WAIT.

>> BREATHE IN.

ALL THE ENERGY IN.

MORE POWER, MORE PASSION, MORE

POWER.

INTO THE HANDS, YES.

THAT'S GO.

AS SOON AS YOU SEE ME MOVE

EVERYTHING YOU GOT IN THERE YOU

PUSH OUT.

[ YELLING ]

>> YOU PREPARE HER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: SHE DIDN'T CALL FAIR

CATCH.

THAT'S ON HER.

ALL RIGHT.

GET UP.

IF I WANTED TO SEE SOMEONE SHAKE

I'D WATCH MICHAEL J. FOX'S NEW

SHOW.

THAT PHONY HOMEOPATH IS PAUL AND

IN CASE THE PONYTAIL WASN'T

ENOUGH TO KEEP PEOPLE AWAY HE

CLAIMS HE CAN GENERATE FORCE

FIELDS.

THE NEW AGE MOVEMENT IS FOR

FOLKS DUMB ENOUGH TO PAY SOMEONE

TO TEACH THEM HOW TO BREATHE.

IT'S RELIGION FOR PEOPLE WHO

WOULD BURN IN HELL IN A REAL

RELIGION

YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE THOUSANDS

OF SELF HELP BOOKS?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK.

INDIA'S HAD THE SPIRITUAL

FULFILLMENT CRAP FOREVER AND

LAST TIME I CHECKED IT'S STILL

THE GROSSEST PLACE ON EARTH.

MEDICATION WAS ONLY INVENTED SO

HOLLYWOOD COULD NAP WITHOUT

SEEMING LAZY.

YOGA'S STUPID TOO.

IT'S NOT A WORKOUT IT'S A WAY TO

JUSTIFY DRINKING CARAMEL MOCHA

FRAPPUCCINO'S EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO YOGA IT AWAY

SO BEFORE YOU TURN YOURSELF INTO

A PIN CUSHION SEE A DOCTOR

THAT'S NOT A DREAM CATCHER.

IF YOU HEAR A GIRL BABBLING

ABOUT HER CHAKRAS THERE'S A 95%

CHANCE SHE'LL LET YOU FINGER HER

UNFORTUNATELY HER UNSHAVED

SNATCH WILL SMELL WORSE THAN THE

PATCHOULI HE'S BURNING.

NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I CHECK OUT

OF THE CONVERSATION BUT I STILL

NEED TO FIND OUT IF PAUL IS FULL

OF PATCHOULI CENTED INCENSE.

I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> HI, DANIEL.

I'M PAUL.

[ NATIONAL ANTHEM ]

>> Tosh: NICE TO MEET YOU PAUL.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> Tosh: WHERE YOU FROM?

>> U.K.

>> Tosh: WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN

THE VIDEO?

>> HELPING PEOPLE GET INTO THEIR

POWER TO CREATE A DEFENSIVE

SHIELD AROUND THEMSELVES.

>> Tosh: IS IT A CAMP?

>> IT'S LIKE A TWO-WEEK CAMP FOR

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.

>> Tosh: BASICALLY ONE CLASS IS

FORCE FIELDS.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I'D SIGN UP FOR THAT.

WHAT WENT WRONG IN THAT VIDEO?

>> SHE DIDN'T DO WHAT SHE WAS

INSTRUCTED.

>> Tosh: WAS IT HER FAULT SHE

JUST DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION?

>> NO, SHE WAS DOING A LIFE LONG

COMMITMENT TO THE VICTIM

STRATEGY.

FOR ME EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO

ME.

>> Tosh: YOU DID WAIT A MINUTE

AND THEN YOU STARTED TO SHAKE.

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

>> WHEN YOU'RE VERY FRIGHTENED

PEOPLE SHAKE TO GET RID OF THE

>> IT WORKS GREAT, DOESN'T IT?

>> IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO ATTACK

SOMEONE IS A CHANNEL A MURDER

INTO MY BODY --

>> Tosh: A MURDER?

>> BECAUSE THEN I'M REALLY GOING

TO GO FOR THEM.

>> Tosh: ANY MURDER OR A

SPECIFIC MURDER.

>> YES, SPECIFIC.

>> Tosh: NO, I DON'T WANT TO --

>> MANSON ACTUALLY.

THIS IS A SAFE DISTANCE BUT AS I

MOVE CLOSER THEN -- THIS IS

GETTING A LITTLE INTIMATE AND AS

WE COME CLOSER THINGS ARE

HAPPENINGIN SIDE YOU BECAUSE

THIS IS INTO YOUR FORCE FIELD.

>> Tosh: ACTUALLY, THIS IS

COMFORTABLE.

WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE SIGN UP TO

TAKE YOUR LESSON?

>> IT REALLY VARIES.

ONE OF THE FIRST GROUPS IN

SWEDEN A BLACK AMERICAN CAME

FROM THE STATES TO JOIN US.

>> Tosh: THEY'RE PRETTY GULLIBLE

-- AMERICANS.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: WHAT DID YOU THINK I

MEANT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU FORCE THE FORCE

FIELD INSTEAD OF WEARING A

CONDOM.

>> I'VE TRIED THAT.

WE'VE NEVER USED PROTECTION AND

ONLY HAD A CHILD ONCE SO IT

SEEMS TO WORK.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD GAMBLE

WITH THAT BUT I'M GOING TO GO

CHANGE SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A

COMPLETE IDIOT WHEN I'M MAKING

MY FIRST FORCE FIELD.

>> OKAY.

YOU READY FOR A CRAZY

EXPERIENCE?

>> Tosh: YES, I'M A LITTLE

NERVOUS.

>> NO, THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE HERE AND NOW.

TUCK YOUR T-SHIRT IN.

>> Tosh: THAT LOOKS SO STUPID.

>> PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY ANKLES

AND SIT DOWN LIKE IN A CHAIR.

STRAIGHT DOWN.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

>> Tosh: YEAH.

>> GOOD.

CLOSE YOUR EYES, DROP YOUR HEAD

ALL THE WAY BACK AND LET YOUR

BODY GO.

PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR ANKLES

AND ENJOY.

>> Tosh: SORRY TO HURT MY SIDE.

>> OKAY.

WE'RE BLOWING OUT ALL THE

NEGATIVE STUFF AND BRING YOUR

ARMS UP WHATEVER ENERGY YOU'D

THINK YOU'D LIKE IN YOUR BODY

AND LOCK IT IN YOUR TUMMY AND A

FORCE YOU'LL BLAST AND BLOW AWAY

AND --

[ YELLING ]

>> OKAY.

LET'S DO THAT A FEW TIMES.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> BREATHE IN THE SUNSHINE.

YEAH!

YEAH!

WHOA, GOOD.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT SURE I'LL EVER

BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE POWER BUT

I'M CONFIDENT YOU ARE.

SO MUCH I'M WILLING TO PUT MY

LIFE ON THE LINE.

YOU READY?

>> I'M READY.

I'M READY, NOW.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU SURE?

>> I'M SURE.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT GOING TO STOP.

>> I'LL STOP YOU.

>> Tosh: WE'RE REALLY HIGH UP.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I'M SERIOUS.

>> I HOPE SO.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

>> TWO MEN WILL FALL FROM THE

SKY AND KILL US.

>> YOU OKAY?

>> I'M OKAY.

>> Tosh: I THINK WE KILLED THEM.

>> YAY, JULIE.

>> QUICK, START SHAKING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: IF YOU'VE EVER SPENT

MONEY ON A FORTUNE TELLER YOU

DESERVE TO DIE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

OVER THE NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK

I'D LIKE TO ALL TO WORK ON THIS.

>> I'M JULIE AND I'M GOING TO

DEMONSTRATE SHY LAUGHTER FOR

YOU.

WE PUT UP OUR HANDS AND PUT THEM

UP TO YOUR FACE AND WHATEVER YOU

NEED TO DO TO ACT SHY AND LAUGH

YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE YOU

AND YOU DON'T LOOK AT THEM SO

YOU LAUGH.

NOW, LET'S DO THAT ALL TOGETHER.

>> YEAH!

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHO SAYS THE PARENTS DON'T

TEACH THEIR KIDS EVERYTHING.

>> Tosh: THAT'S JUST THE YOU BE

THE YOU.

UNCLE LUKE WOULD BE SO PROUD.

OH.

HE PROBABLY GETS TO GO DOWN ON

HIS BABYSITTER IN THE PORTO

JOHN.

IN HIS DEFENSE IT'S HARD TO

DRINK OUT OF THE TINY CAPRI SUN

STRAW.

THE KID COUNT HANDLE THE SOUTH

BEACH LIFESTYLE AND TRANSFERRED

TO THE BACKWOODS OF TUSCALOOSA.

I BET HE GOT COOTIES FROM HIS

SISTER.

BELIEVE OR NOT HE GRADUATED WITH

THREE HONORS AND UNDER THREE

WEEKS BECAUSE HE COULD SMELL

MOST OF HIS NAME AND THEN HEADED

TO THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN.

WHERE YOU EITHER HAVE TO WEAR A

JACKET ALL THE TIME OR GET DRUNK

ENOUGH TO FORGET IT'S 6 DEGREES

AT 2:00 P.M. THEN HE SWITCHED

MAJORS AND TRANSFERRED 20

COLORADO.

THEY CHANT CU YET IT'S THE

UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO.

YOU GUYS ARE SMOKING A LITTLE

TOO MUCH.

I WOULD TOO.

CORDEL STEWART WAS THE LAST

FOOTBALL PLAYER THAT MEANT

ANYTHING.

THANKFULLY THE KID GOT OUT OF

DODGE AND WENT THROUGH AN

EXPERIMENTAL THEATRE BOY PHASES

WHERE YOU WEAR YOUR MOM'S SHOES

AROUND THE HOUSE AND SIGNED UP

FOR A SUMMER SESSION AT NYU.

HE LEFT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT

TO MOVE TO BROOKLYN TO START HIS

OWN SUSTAINABLE ROOF TOP GARDEN.

AT THIS POINT NO CREDITS

TRANSFERRED AND HA TO MAKE A

FRESH START WITH THE SOGGY

HIPSTERS IN SEATTLE.

THERE'S NO HAPPY ENDING.

FROM HERE HE WENT ON TO CULINARY

SCHOOL AND AS SO MANY HEROIN

ADDICTS DO.

THE END.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR VIEWER

VIDEO.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

>> LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

WAIT A SECOND, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY

A DRESS.

IT'S A PANTSUIT.

[**]

* IT'S A PANTSUIT *

* IT'S A PANTSUIT *

>> Tosh: CUT IT OFF THE KNEES

AND IT'S A ROMPER.

IT'S A ROMPER.

IT'S A ROMPER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

SPORTS JERK NBA.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON AN

AIRPLANE CONGRATULATIONS YOUR

NOT ON SOUTHWEST.

INTERSECTI

NEXT WEEK WE YUCK IT UP WITH

THIS COMPET TIR EATER.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER WHERE I

CREATE MASTER PIECES ON 240

CHARACTERS AT A TIME AND IF

THAT'S TOO CUTTING EDGE KEEP UP

WITH OUR BLOG.

THERE'S A NEW EPISODE OF BRICK

BERRY COMING UP NEXT AND PLEASED

TO BRAG ABOUT MY TAX WRITEOFF, I

MEAN CHARITY SHOW.

THE THIRD ANNUAL TOSH SAVE THE

WORLD IS IN SANTA ROSA FEATURING

T.B.D.

MAYBE KUMAIL NANJIANI AND RORY

SCOVEL AND TONS AND TONS OF

OTHER TALENTED COMEDIANS THAT

HAVE NOT SAID YES YET.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE

UNFORTUNATE HIGH SCHOOL NAME OF

THE WEEK.

ANALY HIGH SCHOOL.

IT'S THE ONLY HIGH SCHOOL WHERE

THE MAIN ENTRANCE IS IN THE

REAR.

THE FOOTBALL TEAM IS PROBABLY

CALLED THE RED RAIDERS NAPE

SPECIALIZE IN BACKSIDE PRESSURE

AND THEY'LL TEAR YOUR ASS UP.

YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO CHECK OUT ONE

OF THEIR LEGENDRY POOP RALLIES.

DUE TO PUTTING CUTS MOST OF THE

TROMBONES IN THE BAND ARE RUSTY

AND IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT

EVERY TEACHER IS A TUTOR.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS LIKE

WHY DID YOU GUYS NAME YOUR HIGH

SCHOOL THAT FLOAT AN AIR BISCUIT

TO THE PRINCIPAL H.M. ROID AND

SCHOOL'S CANCELLED NEXT WEEK TO

THEY CAN BLEACH IT.

CLASS IS DISMISSED.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> AND NOW IMAGINE LOVE COMING

OUT OF YOUR HEART AND DOWN YOUR

ARM.

PUT ONE HAND HERE AND THERE.

>> Tosh: WHAT COUNTRY DID YOU

GET THIS GUY FROM?

>> HE'S GOING TO SEE IF HE CAN