Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[**]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT'S HOW MICHAEL

DOUGLAS GOT EAR CANCER.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

WE'RE LESS THAN 85% MATCH ON

CUPID DON'T MESSAGE ME UNLESS

ALL HOLES ARE IN PLACE.

>> Tosh: TONIGHT, I REDEEM THIS

GULLIBLE GOOBER AND INTRODUCE TO

AMERICA'S HARTIEST DRINKING GAME

AND ANOTHER ADVENTURE OF BIG ASS

BABY.

NOW, I DON'T THINK THERE'S A

WOMAN OUT IN THAT WOULD CONSIDER

THIS CHEATING AND HE STILL HAS

TWO MORE WISHES.

MAY BE THE NEW BUTTS BY DRE.

ARE THOSE NOISE CAN SELLING AND

DO THEY COME IN WHITE?

>> Tosh: THE WHITE ONES ARE

SMALLER.

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOU

GET AN EARFUL OF YESTERDAY'S DEL

TACO.

SOMEONE TELL THE SLUS HANNAH

MONTANA WE NEED HER WRECKING

BALL.

SAVE YOUR STRENGTH MOHAMMED.

I'M SURE WE HAVE A DRONE IN THE

AREA.

AMERICA.

KNOCKING DOWN BUILDINGS IS THEIR

NATIONAL PAST TIME.

LET ME GUESS YOU'RE GOING

REPLACE IT WITH ANOTHER

TAN-COLORED PILE OF RUBBLE.

HIP CAL CONTRACTOR.

HE SAID IT WOULD TAKE EIGHT HITS

AND IT TOOK 11.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, ANGIE'S

LIST.

OH, HE'S ALIVE.

I'M SURE HE'LL DIE LATER THIS

AFTERNOON.

IN TODAY'S HOUSING MARKET IF

STAGED PROPERLY THEY'RE STIG

GOING TO GET MULTIPLE OFFERS.

I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A

VACATION HOME IN MAUI.

>> WE WANTED BEACH FRONT.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NO OCEAN VIEW

BUT SAND.

TONS AND TONS OF SAND AND IT'S

MOSQUE ADJACENT AND WALKING

DISTANCE TO THE GAZA STRIP.

>> ARE THERE LAND MINES?

>> Tosh: YES, THERE ARE.

>> IS IT EYE TWO BEDROOM, TWO

BATH?

>> Tosh: NO, ZERO BEDROOM, ZERO

BATH BUT OPEN CONCEPT.

>> WE LOVE OPEN CONCEPT.

>> I NEED TO KNOW IF IT HAS TWO

SINKS BECAUSE WE CAN'T SHARE

SINKS.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NO RUNNING

WATER BUT ALL OF THIS AREA COULD

BE YOUR CLOSET.

>> OKAY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE

GOING TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES.

>> Tosh: CHOOSE THIS ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: SADLY THEY WERE BOTH

BEHEADED BY INSURGENTS WHILE IN

ESCROW.

BUT IT'S BACK ON THE MARKET.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO DO AN I AM

PREPARATION OF EVERY JOB

INTERVIEW THIS NEXT GIRL WILL

EVER GO ON.

THANK YOU FOR COMING IN,

UNFORTUNATELY WE WERE LOOKING TO

HIRE SOMEONE WHO HASN'T SEWN

THEIR MOUTH SHUT.

>> IT HURTS TO TALK.

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT WORKING.

I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.

SILENCE ALWAYS TRUMPS ORAL.

SAY IT WITH ME, FELLAS.

I WONDER WHAT HER FATHER THINKS

ABOUT THIS.

OH, HE'S NOT IN THE PICTURE?

REALLY?

AND NOW LET THE HUNGER GAMES

BEGIN.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS WHY DAD ARE RIGHTFULLY

NEVER AWARDED CUSTODY.

JUST SHOOT BEBES AT A SQUIRREL

LIKE A NORMAL SOCIOPATH.

STILL NOT AS BAD AS BEING RAISE

BID KRIS JENNER.

OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT GOOD OLD

RON'S UP TO.

>> RON!

YES!

YES!

OH, MY GOD!

RON!

RON!

>> Tosh: IS RON THE SKY DIVER OR

SOME GUY WITH HIS HAND DOWN

THEIR PANTS?

>> RON!

>> Tosh: PLEASE LAND ON HER

HEAD, RON.

EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE, FOUR --

>> Tosh: RON SHOULD HAVE DONE

MORE OF THE PULL THE STRING TO

FLOAT SLOWER THING.

>> THANK YOU, RON.

>> Tosh: I WISH THIS WAS HIS

ONLY VIDEO BUT HE'S A LITTLE

ACCIDENT PRONE.

>> RON!

RON!

>> Tosh: HERE'S RON DRIVING THE

KIDS ON A FIELD TRIP.

>> RON!

>> Tosh: EVEN WHEN RON'S

RELAXING ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

>> NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX,

FIVE, FOUR -- SAY THANK YOU,

RON.

>> Tosh: IF I KNOW RON HE'S

FINE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> Tosh: WHO DAT?

WHO DAT?

LET'S FIND OUT IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

FOR!

IF YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW BEFORE

YOU'RE RIGHT TO BE NERVOUS.

HERE WE HAVE A COUPLE OF DRUNK

SAINTS FANS ON THEIR PLANTATION.

SOME HOW THE VIDEO SHOULD LEAD

TO SEAN PEYTON BEING SUSPENDED

FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

THIS IS THE WHITEST WAY YOU CAN

KILL SOMEONE.

ALL RIGHT.

ENOUGH OF THE PRACTICE STROKES.

YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO LOSE HIS

BUZZ AND CHANGE HIS MIND.

NICE SWING, BARKLEY.

PRETTY SURE IT'S A RULES

VIOLATION BUT SINCE IT ISN'T

TIGER NO ONE WILL CALL IT IN.

CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN IN SWING

VISION?

YEAH, THE PROBLEM IS HE SUCKS AT

GOLF.

>> GOD [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: DON'T PULL THAT OUT.

IT WILL GIVE YOUR BLOW JOB SOME

EXTRA POP DURING RUSH WEEK.

>> OH, DUDE.

>> Tosh: IT'S A WHOLE IN TONGUE.

DON'T FORGET TO REPLACE THE

DIVET.

THANKFULLY HE LIVES IN NEW

ORLEANS SO IT WILL NOT AFFECT

THE WAY HE TALKS.

NEXT TIME AIM FOR THE JAW SO WE

NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT LAUGH

AGAIN.

DID HE JUST SPIT BLOOD ON HIS

DOG?

HURRICANE SEASON CANNOT COME

SOON ENOUGH IF ELIN TAUGHT US

ANYTHING IS YOU CAN HIT SOMEONE

IN THE FACE WITH A WOOD AND

STILL SAY IT'S THEIR FAULT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST,

NOBODY [BLEEP]S WITH JESUS.

>> HENRY GRIBBON SAYS HE LOST

HIS LIFE'S SAVINGS, $2600 ON A

CARNIVAL GAME LIKE THIS ONE AND

ALL HE HAS TO SHOW FOR IS THIS

STUFFED BANANA.

HE WANTED TO WIN IN AN Xbox

KINECT.

WEN HE PRACTICED HE SAID IT WAS

EASY BUT SOMETHING CHANGED WHEN

THE STARTED PLAYING FOR THE

PRIZE AND THE BALL KEPT POPPING

OUT.

>> FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I WAS

THAT SUCKER.

>> Tosh: IS THAT AN AUTHENTIC

RASTA BANANA?

TIME TO UPDATE YOUR WILL.

HE WEARS THAT WIFE-BEATER LIKE

HE MEANS IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE SAD

THAT HE LOST HIS LIFE'S SAVINGS

OR IT TOOK HIM THAT LONG TO SAVE

$2600.

CARNIVAL GAMES ARE LIKE IT THE

SPECIAL OLYMPICS NEXT TIME EAT

AT A WAFFLE HOUSE.

GUYS ONLY PLAY THEM TO IMPRESS

THEIR GIRLFRIEND.

ANOTHER WAY TO IMPRESS YOUR

GIRLFRIEND IS NOT TAKING HER TO

THE CARNIVAL.

IF YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND WANTS TO

YOU WIN A PINK STUFFED FROG

SHE'S 11 AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE

HAVING SEX WITH HER -- IN

PUBLIC.

AND WHAT'S SO THRILLING WITH A

FERRIS WHEEL.

LET'S RIDE THE ELEVATOR NEXT.

KNOCK'S LESS SAFE THAN A RIDE

THAT GETS UNFOLDED BY AN

ALCOHOLIC GYPSY.

I DON'T TRUST ANYTHING HELD

TOGETHER BY A SPELL.

CARNIVALS EVEN GOT RID OF FREAK

SHOWS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AS

DISTURBING AS WATCHING A FAMILY

OF HUMAN HIPPOS DEEP THROATING

STICKS OF BUTTER IN 100 DEGREE

HEAT BUT THERE'S A SUCKER BORN

EVERY MINUTE ANDHEY'LL

EVENTUALLY BE ON MY SHOW AND I

BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD WHERE

EVERY DAY PEOPLE BLOW THEIR

LIFE'S SAVINGS ON CHILDISH

DREAMS FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

YOU GOT A MINUTE?

>> SURE.

>> Tosh: I HAVE A DEAL FOUR.

THEY'RE NORMALLY $1,000 A PAIR

I'LL GIVE THEM TO YOU FOR $300 A

PIECE.

>> COOL.

>> Tosh: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

THAT DAY?

>> I BROUGHT MY KID TO THE

CARNIVAL.

THERE'S THREE CONCESSION STANDS

WORKING NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

I HAD TO GET TEN SHOTS INTO A

BASKET.

THEY'D GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK FOR

KEEPING EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION.

>> Tosh: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME

THAT THEY WANTED YOU AS A RINGER

JUST TO DRUM UP MORE BUSINESS?

>> IT WAS A DEAD DAY.

I WAS KEEPING EVERYBODY'S

ATTENTION SO THEY WERE GOING

REFUND MY MONEY AND GIVE ME THE

BANANA AND Xbox.

I BELIEVED IT THERE WERE RULES

AND REGULATIONS BECAUSE THEY

SPOKE OPENLY BETWEEN EACH OTHER.

>> Tosh: AND IF YOU MISSED ONE

YOU GOT A DOUBLE?

>> NO, YOU GOT A DOUBLE OR

NOTHING.

>> Tosh: IF YOU STARTED AT FIVE

DOLLARS AND GOT TO THREE AND

THEN YOU MISSED NOW HAVE YOU TO

GIVE THEM TEN DOLLARS AND THAT'S

FOUR, FIVE, SIX AND IF YOU MISS

NINE YOU HAVE TO PUT IN $2600?

>> NO, IT WAS PROBABLY THREE FOR

OUR MISTAKES TO GET USED TO THE

GAME AND GOES TO 80 AND THEN 160

AND 320 TO 740.

>> Tosh: WHEN YOU WENT HOME FOR

MORE MONEY WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK

FOR THE Xbox.

>> THEY'RE GOOD.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS ALL 100%

A LIE.

>> Tosh: EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

IT'S A CARNIVAL AND THEY'RE

KNOWN FOR BEING SHADY.

>> HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH THAT,

CARNIVAL BY DEFINITION MEANS

CHARITY.

>> Tosh: FIRST, I'M EXCITED YOU

SAID THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK

I'D LEARN SOMETHING RIGHT NOW

AND I DID.

WERE YOU BY YOURSELF?

>> MY GIRLFRIEND AND THREE KIDS.

>> Tosh: SHE NEVER CHIMED IN?

>> TO A CERTAIN POINT BUT SHE

LET ME DO MY THING.

>> Tosh: DOES SHE KNOW NOT TO

SPEAK UP.

HOW MANY WERE YOU IN FOR?

>> $2650.

>> Tosh: DID YOU LOOK YOUR KIDS

IF THE EYES AND TELL THEM

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COLLEGE.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE A GAMBLING

PROBLEM?

>> NO, I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO

GAMBLE.

IT'S A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.

THAT SITUATION WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO

LOSE THAT SITUATION UNLESS YOU

PUT IN ANOTHER ASPECT OF THE

GAME UNLESS YOU CHANGED THE GAME

THERE'S NO WAY I WAS GONNA LOSE.

>> Tosh: DID YOU GET TO PICK THE

GIANT RASTA BANANA?

>> THEY GIVE ME TWO AND A

MONKEY.

>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL THE MEDIA

TREATED YOU UNFAIRLY.

>> HAVE YOU TO ADMIT HE HAS A

CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PERSISTENCE.

AND A BANANA WITH DREADLOCKS.

>> SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, WE'RE

TRULY SORRY.

>> Tosh: OKAY, LET'S SEE IF YOU

LEARNED YOUR LESSON.

THROW YOUR KID IN THE VAN.

IS HE OKAY BACK THERE?

>> YEAH, HE'S BUCKLED IN.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

>> FORGOT TO LOCK THE WHEELS.

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE HIGH

STAKES TENT.

CARNIVALERS COME FROM ALL OVER

THE WORLD TO TEST THEIR LUCK AT

THESE GAMES.

>> THAT ONE LOOKS COOL.

>> Tosh: COMBO MOMBO.

A CLASSIC.

GET THE COMBINATION OF THE SAFE

AND YOU WIN WHAT'S IN IT.

>> 17, 42, 38.

[BUZZER].

>> SORRY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY

AGAIN?

>> YES.

>> 17, 42, 38.

>> THOSE NUMBERS SOUND LUCKY.

>> THAT LOOKS EASY.

I CAN DOTHAT.

>> Tosh: NO, FIRST IT'S A CHICK

GAME AND SECOND IT'S RIGGED

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT'S GOING

TO TAKE HALF IN TAXES.

>> BUY LOW, SELL HIGH AND DON'T

BE CAUGHT IN A BEAR MARKET AND

DOW JONESING.

>> Tosh: FOR THE GET THIS.

THE SMART MONEY'S ON THE

PEOPLE'S COURT.

>> STEP UP AND POP A BOTTLE OF

BUBBLY TO WIN A PRICELESS

MASTERPIECE.

>> Tosh: IT'S IN YOUR WHEEL

HOUSE.

KNOCK THE CHAMPAGNE FLUTES OFF

THE TRAY.

>> CARE TO TAKE YOUR CHANCES?

THAT'S $2600 PER POP.

>> THAT'S MY LIFE'S SAVINGS.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU TO PLAY BIG TO

WIN BIG.

>> PERHAPS HE'S MORE COMFORTABLE

PLAYING WHACK AMOLE IN SANTA

MONICA.

>> Tosh: THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.

>> GOOD LUCK, SIR.

>> HE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: SHAKE IT UP REAL GOOD.

>> I WON.

>> Tosh: YES!

>> SORRY, SIR.

THERE ARE STILL SOME PARTICLES

OF GLASS LEFT ON THE PLATTER.

>> Tosh: OH, WELL.

SOONER OR LATER THE HOUSE ALWAYS

WINS.

SOONER IN YOUR CASE.

>> TRY AGAIN?

>> THAT'S ALL THE MONEY I HAD.

>> WELL, THEN, I DON'T HAVE TO

TALK TO YOU ANY MORE, DO I?

>> Tosh: DON'T WORRY WHERE THE

BABY WAS.

THE RASTA BANANA WAS WATCHING

HIM IN THE VAN.

WHAT ABOUT THE HEAT?

IT'S OKAY.

HE'S FROM JAMAICA.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

PULL OUT YOUR PECKER BECAUSE

IT'S THE "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION

OF THE WEEK.

>> ONE PARTNER PULLS ANAL BEADS

FROM THE LOVER'S BUTT AS IF

STARTING A LAWN MOW ER.

IF THE ENGINE DOESN'T START

SOMETIMES HAVE YOU TO PULL ON

THE CHOKE AND THAT'S HOW YOU DO

THE LAWN MOWER.

THANKS, DANIEL AND REMEMBER,

KEEP ON [BLEEP]ING.

>> OH, YEAH, FOLKS.

HERE I AM.

READY FOR YOU'RE VIEWING

PLEASURE I'M GOING DRINK THIS

BOWL OF GRAVY.

OH, YEAH.

>> Tosh: OH, YEAH.

FOLKS, THAT FAT MAN IS MAT FAN

AND HE'S THE INTERNET'S FOREMOT

GRAVY'S ENTHUSIASM.

AND TALKS ABOUT GRAVY SO

ELOQUENTLY IT INSPIRED A

DRINKING GAME.

I GAVE EVERYONE IN MY AUDIENCE A

BOWL OF GRAVY.

GO GET YOUR OWN BOWL OF GRAVY IF

YOU WANT TO PLAY ALONG AT HOME.

NOW, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE

REST OF THE VIDEO AND HAVE YOU

TO TAKE A DRINK EVERY TIME HE

SAYS "BOWL OF GRAVY."

READY?

LET'S BEGIN.

>> A BOWL OF GRAVY, FOLKS.

>> ENJOY.

>> A BOWL OF GRAVY, FOLKS.

>> Tosh: VEGETARIANS QUIT BEING

SUCH PRUDES.

MAKE AN EXCEPTION AND EXPERIENCE

LIFE FOR ONCE.

>> NICE, FRESH BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> Tosh: GRAVY HAS 300% OF YOUR

DAILY SALT REQUIREMENT.

>> OH, YEAH.

A BOWL OF GRAVY.

SHUT UP, DAD.

OH, YEAH, FOLKS.

>> YOU'RE RUINING YOUR LIFE.

>> Tosh: HE DRINKS GRAVY.

DEAL WITH IT, DAD.

>> YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO

THE FANS?

>> YOU'RE RUINING YOUR LIFE?

>> Tosh: BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> DELICIOUS.

>> Tosh: WITH HITS LIKE THOSE

WHO NEEDS A JOB.

>> BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> Tosh: HMM.

>> OH, YEAH, FOLKS A BOWL OF

GRAVY.

>> Tosh: BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> UNTIL NEXT TIME, FOLKS.

BYE-BYE.

>> Tosh: BYE-BYE, BUDDY.

KEEP ON LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE

IT'S THANKSGIVING.

MOVING ON, IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

INSTALLMENT OF MY SIGNATURE WEB

SERIES THE ADVENTURES OF BIG ASS

BABY.

>> EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,

GENTLEMEN.

OKAY, WE HAVE ABOUT TEN MORE

MINUTES.

BECKY, BRING ME MY BINKY.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> NO.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> I'LL HAVE FREDERICK DROP THE

TABLE FIRST THING IN THE

MORNING.

THANK YOU.

>> THAT'S ONE BIG ASS BABY.

>> Tosh: NOW THE BREAKING BAD IS

OVER I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE

BIG ASS BABY IS THE BEST SHOW ON

TV.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

ASK CARLOS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

TO ALL THE PETS WHOSE OWNERS

LEFT THE TV ON WHILE THEY WENT

OUTSIDE LIKE TO SAY, SUGAR BOY.

YOU GOOD BOY, YES, YOU GOOD BOY.

NEXT WEEK I FIND OUT IF THIS GUY

CAN TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO MAKE

FORCE FIELDS.

>> AS SOON AS YOU SEE ME MOVE

EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT IN THERE

YOU PUSH IT OUT.

[ SCREAMING

[

>> Tosh: HE'S STILL SELLING IT.

MUST BE A GLITCH END HER FORCE

FIELD.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND CLOG UP

MY FEED WITH YOUR LAME COMMENTS

DURING THE SHOW AND CHECK OUT

OUR BLOG UNLESS YOUR IN CHINA

AND YOUR OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT

HAS BLOCKED.

.

CHECK OUT MY TOUR DATES AND STAY

TUNED FOR AN ALL-NEW

BRICKLEBERRY.

WHY'S IT SPECIAL?

DON'T KNOW.

LAST WEEK WE INTRODUCED THE

SPEECH JAMMER AND YOU FILMED

YOURSELF DOING IT.

>> DANIEL TOSH INTERNET.

>> HOW MUCH WOOD CAN A CHUCK,

CHUCK, CHUCKA WOOD.

>> PETER PIPER PICKED A PECKA,

PECKA, PECKA.

[ STAMMERING ]

>> Tosh: ONE PERSON IN THAT

CLIP, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHO

WASN'T USING SPEECH JAMMER.

THEY ARE JUST MENTALLY

CHALLENGED.

OKAY, FOLKS.

THAT'S THEY'LL SHOW WE HAVE.

>> Tosh: WAS THAT YOUR LIFE'S

SAVINGS?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: MAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW

MUCH AN X BOX COSTS?

>> $300.

>> Tosh: YOU JUST GOT AN