Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: FIVE SECONDS INTO MY

SHOWS AND MY IT'S MORE

INTERESTING THAN GORDON LEVITT'S

DON JON.

NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH A GUY

WATCH PORN.

ONCE AGAIN I WAS SNUBBED BY THE

EMMYS BUT IT CAN'T MEAN I CAN'T

THANK THE PEOPLE WHO THEY CAN

THE SHOW A SUCCESS.

BIG THANKS TO ME.

THAT'S IT.

THE REST OF YOU CAN BE CONSUMED

BY A BALL OF FIRE AND THE SHOW

WOULDN'T MISS A BEAT.

HELL, IF YOU FILMED THE SHOW

MIGHT BE BETTER.

TAKE YOUR MDMA NOW SO IT KICKS

IN FOR THE DJ REDEMPTION.

WE PLAY THE MOST ROMANTIC GAME

OF IS IS RACEST YET AND LET MY

FANS RAISE MY OFFSPRING.

NOW, LET'S SEE HOW VEHICULAR

MANSLAUGHTER CAN BE CONSENSUAL.

ZIMMERMAN!

NOT BAD FOR SOMEONE WITH 40

POUNDS OF UNWASHED HAIR WEIGHING

THEM NOW.

STYLE POINTS FOR KEEPING THE

SHADES ON.

MISSES PAC-MAN'S GOING TO LOSE

HER MIND SHE SEES THE VIDEO AND

YEAH, I SAID MISSES.

THEY SHOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW.

LEAVE IT TO AN AMERICAN TO

FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A

TREADMILL TO GET FATTER.

IT'S ENDORSED BY KHLOE AND ROB

KARDASHIAN.

A REAL MAN USES RITZ BITZ WITH

PEANUT BUTTER NOT CHEESE.

>> Tosh: EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE

WHEN YOU KNOW I HAVE A DEADLY

PEANUT ALLERGY.

KIGD.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE NERDS.

THERE'S NOTHING DANGEROUS ABOUT

A GUN WHEN IT'S IN THE HANDS OF

A TRAINED WEAPONS EXPERT.

>> YOU KNOW THE TRILOGY, THEY

HAVE A SIDE THING THIS ONE HAS

ONE FROM THE BOTTOM.

ALSO THE WEAPON HAS THIS COOL

FEATURE WHERE YOU PRESS THE

TRIGGER DOWN AND YOU CAN -- AND

ONCE YOU PRESS IT DOWN AND PULL

IT UP --

>> Tosh: ZIMMERMAN!

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: HE'S MURDERED HIS

SECURITY DEPOSIT.

>> ONCE YOU PRESS THIS DOWN AND

PULL IT UP --

>> Tosh: DON'T LOOK AT IT AS

ALMOST LOSING YOUR LIFE BUT

GAINING A SKYLIGHT.

AT LEAST YOUR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR

ISN'T ALIVE TO MAKE A NOISE

COMPLAINT.

HOW COME HE DIDN'T LOOK UP OR

NOTHING FELL FROM THE CEILING?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

RARELY DO YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT

TO HAPPEN ON THE ROAD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NEVER CUT OFF MAGNETO.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO DRAMATIC

ABOUT IT.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY SHE WAS TRYING

TO GO.

SHE.

SHE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: AH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

I'M A BIT OF A HONKAHOLIC MYSELF

I HOPE I NEVER CAUSE ANY

ACCIDENTS THOUGH.

[ HONKING ]

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: MORNING, GIRLS.

WHAT HE HAD YOU WANT TO HAPPEN

YOU MONSTERS?

SOMETIME SCETCHES PETER OUT

THAT'S THE FINAL JOKE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU GOT THIS.

THE LORD IS HIS SPOTTER.

NOW LET'S SEE IT'S ALWAYS SAFER

TO BE ON STEROIDS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO GET A

PUMP.

DON'T BE TOO IMPRESSED HE'S

USING A PLASTIC FISHER PRICE MY

FIRST DUMMBELL SETS.

IT'S ONLY 50 POUNDS.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WORK OUT AND

BECAUSE I WAS BLESSED WITH

COMEDIC TIMING WHICH ALWAYS

TRUMS

A GOOD BODY.

AM I RIGHT, LADIES.

EASY, WHORE.

LOOKS LIKE PEYTON MANNING HAVING

A STROKE.

DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE.

YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS WHEN THE

FIRST PARENT YOU CALL FOR IS

DAD.

HE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE

DISTURBED.

YOUR DAD'S GENES DLAETD WEAK

BODY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL FOR YOUR

NEIGHBOR'S DAD INSTEAD.

MOM, CAN YOU GET DAD?

UNLESS YOUR MOM IS SERENA

WILLIAMS YOU'RE GOING TO BE

THERE A WHILE.

IS HE RESTING THE BAR ON HIS

HEAD?

HIS SKULL IS GOING TO BE SO

RIPPED.

>> I NEED HELP.

>> HIS OLDER BROTHER DENNY WOULD

BE AROUND TO SPOT HIM BUT HE

DIED DOING THE EXACT SAME THING

FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY.

>> MOM.

>> Tosh: YOUR BETTER OFF YELLING

FOR FREDDY KRUGER MAYBE HE'LL

COME FROM BEHIND THE ANCIENT

BOILER.

WHY'S IS SO BIG?

IS HE LIVING IN AN ORPHANAGE?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY HIS PARENTS

DON'T ANSWER.

THIS IS A SAD BREAKDOWN.

>> MOM!

HELP!

HELP!

>> Tosh: MAYBE HE'D HAVE MORE

SUCCESS WITH A ZUMBA CLASS.

RACK YOUR WEIGHTS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TOMORROW WE

SHOOT FOR ONE FULL REP.

FEAR OF DEATH BURNS A TON OF

CALORIES AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU.

FIRST, IT'S BEEN A WHILE WORTHY

OF THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.

THIS ONE IS SPECIAL.

>> TELL ME IF YOU TASTE ANY

SOAP.

PUT IT ON YOUR TONGUE.

TASTE ANY SOAP?

>> NO.

>> WHAT'S IT LIKE SUCKING --

>> YEAH, BEFORE WE NEED ALL THE

TENS.

WE NEED TO GET IT UP TO A TEN.

I NEED EVERYBODY JUMPING.

JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP.

MAKE IS RAIN.

WE'RE OUT OF TIME ON 6.9.

WE NEED IT UP TO A TEN.

ROLL, BABY.

WE AT ABOUT A 9.5.

WE GOT LIKE 0.5 LEFT TO GO.

I NEED EVERYBODY JUMPING.

>> Tosh: DJ A.M. IS SPINNING IN

HIS GRAVE.

THAT'S LUKE AND HE WAS PLAYING

TO A CROWD OF IMAGINARY PEOPLE.

IT PROVES THERE'S MORE TO HOUSE

MUSIC.

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO PLAY $9

PANTS AT H AND M, DJ'S ARE

EVERYWHERE.

IT'S THE ONLY JOB WHERE

BLATANTLY STEALING CONTENT FROM

THE INTERNET IS REQUIRED.

YOU'RE NOT HACKING INTO THE

MAINFRAME OF THE PENTAGON.

YOU TAKE TWO POPULAR SONGS AND

MASH THEM INTO ONE GOD AWFUL

13-MINUTE SEIZURE STARTER.

IT'S 4:00 A.M.

GO TO BED.

THERE'S NO WAY THE LAPTOP IS

PROVIDING VITAMIN D.

AND CALM DOWN ABOUT DAFT PUNK.

THEY'RE LAZY FRENCH DUDES THAT

DRESS UP LIKE ROBOTS.

IF THEY WERE SO GREAT THEY

WOULDN'T NEED PHARRELL.

LAY DOWN A BEAT YOUR AUDIENCE

CAN GRIND THEIR TEETH TOO.

LUKE HAS EVERYTHING IT TAKES TO

BE A SUCCESSFUL DJ.

HE'S WHITE, SKINNY AND HAS NO

IDEA HOW TO MAKE MUSIC.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO

HOLLYWOOD TO SCREAM GO DJ,

THAT'S MY DJ IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> HEY, DANIEL YOU SHOP HERE

TOO?

>> Tosh: SHOP?

NO.

THEY HAVE GREAT WI-FI WHERE I

TEAR MY MUSIC.

I'M SICK OF THE MOM AND POP

SHOPS TAKING JOBS FROM CHINESE

CHILDREN.

THEY'RE CHILDREN.

LUKE?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 17.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG AGO WAS THE

VIDEO?

>> TWO YEARS AGO.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU GOTTEN BETTER

AT DJING?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHO MADE THE VIDEO?

>> MY FRIEND.

>> Tosh: FOR WHO?

>> TO GIVE TO MY FANS I DIDN'T

HAVE.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NICE OF YOU.

>> SOMEBODY STARTED TWEETED AND

IT WENT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

>> Tosh: DID IT BOTHER YOU IT

GOT POPULAR BECAUSE THEY SAID

WITH YOU WERE THE WORSE DJ.

>> UPSET.

>> Tosh: WERE YOU SURPRISED OR

SHOCKED WHEN I DED MOUSE WROTE

AT YOU.

YOU'RE A KID HAVING A GOOD TIME

AND ALL THESE DJ ARE TRASHING

FOR NO REASON.

>> CRACKED.

>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE HIS MUSIC?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DO YOU IS A GIMMICK

LIKE THAT?

>> NO, I WEAR SKINNY JEANS WITH

TANK TOP.

>> Tosh: WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Tosh: LET ME FEEL YOU.

LIKE 32.

>> HOW'D YOU KNOW?

>> Tosh: I'VE FELT A WILL THE OF

BOYS.

DO YOU PLAY ANY REAL MUSIC?

>> MY iPHONE'S NOT AN

INSTRUMENT.

>> Tosh: NO, IT'S NOT.

I'M GLAD YOU TOOK THAT LONG TO

THINK.

I DON'T THINK IT COUNTS.

AS A DJ, BE HONEST HAVE YOU EVER

THROWN IT ON YOUR SHUFFLE

>> NO, MAYBE IF WE WERE AT ABOUT

A 4.5.

>> Tosh: IS THAT A REAL SCALE?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: DO YOU ROUND UP OR IS

THAT AGAINST THE RULES.

>> YOU CAN ROUND UP IF YOU'RE

LIKE AT A 4.5 AND IF YOU SAY 6.5

THEY MAY ROUND UP.

>> Tosh: SO ROUNDING UP FROM 4.5

IS 6.5.

HOW ABOUT LOSE THE DECIMAL.

WHY WOULD YOU SKIP 5?

HAS A DJ EVER BROUGHT IT UP TO A

10 ALONE IN A BASEMENT.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: I JUST OPENED UP A NEW

CLUB AND NEED A RESIDENT DJ FOR

TUESDAYS.

YOU INTERESTED?

>> YEAH, WHERE IS IT, VEGAS?

>> Tosh: NO.

I'VE HAD MY TEAM TURNING YOUR

BASEMENT INTO THE HOTTEST CLUB

IN AMERICA.

IT'S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

NOW WE JUST NEED A HOT CELEBRITY

HOST.

IDEA?

>> Reporter: SELENA GOMEZ.

>> Tosh: HER EYES ARE CLOSE

TOGETHER.

>> SHE LOOKS YOUNG.

>> Tosh: WE HAVE A STRICT

POLICY.

FEMALES 18 TO 20 ONLY AND

38-YEAR-OLD DUDES.

>> WHOA.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT GOING

HAPPEN.

>> GOOD LUCK TONIGHT, LUKE.

>> Tosh: LET'S GO, LUKE.

DJ JIM BAKO HAS THE DOPEST BEAT.

>> YOU GUYS ARE BEAUTIFUL.

SHOW YOUR WRISTBAND TO GET A

FREE ORDER OF SEASONED CURLY

FRIES.

>> Tosh: HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING

OUT THERE TONIGHT?

OKAY.

WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THIS PARTY

GOING BUT FIRST PLEASE GIVE A

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR YOUR

ELEGANT AND YOUNG CELEBRITY HOST

COURTNEY STADEN.

LOOKING GOOD ON THE WASHING

MACHINE.

HAVE SHOES IN THERE.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE THE SMILE ON

YOUR FACE.

OKAY, TIME FOR THE MAN YOU CAME

TO SEE, PUT YOUR MOSTLY

UNDERAGED HANDS TOGETHER IT'S

TIME FOR DJ DECIMAL POINT.

>> WE'RE AT A 0.0.

WE GOT A LONG WAY TO GONE.

-- TO GO.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE AT A 3.33.

ALL RIGHT, I NEED YOUR HELP.

WE NEED TO FIND --

>> HI, MOLLY.

>> MOLLY, YOUR MOM NEEDS YOU

OUTSIDE.

TIME TO GO HOME.

[***]

>> UH OH, WE GOT AN AMBER ALERT

IN HERE.

HALF OFF ALL BOTTLES.

YOU'RE AT AN 8.1.

9.9.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

WE'RE AT A 10!

[CHEERING]

>> IT'S 10:00.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO HOME.

COURTNEY, I THINK YOUR DAD'S

WAITING OUTSIDE.

>> THAT'S MY HUSBAND.

>> Tosh: GUYS, I HAVE PUREL IF

ANYONE TOUCHED COURTNEY AND NEXT

WEEK I HAVE D TANNER.

SHOULD BE A FULL HOUSE.

>> Tosh: OF COURSE THAT GUY

LIKES YOUNG KIDS, HE'S A PENN

STATE GRAD.

CLASS OF '97.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

WHAT THE [BLEEP], RICHARD.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP], RICHARD.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR --

>> Tosh: PEOPLE LOOK TO ME TO

DETERMINE WHETHER SOMETHING

RACIST OR NOT AND A TAKE THAT

RESPONSIBILITY VERY SERIOUSLY.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DEBATE

ABOUT THIS NEXT CLIP SO LET'S

SEE ONCE AND FOR ALL AND FIND

OUT IF IT'S RACIST.

OKAY.

SURE.

RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE IT SEEMS

EXTREMELY RACIST.

SHE WAS USUALLY USING A HARD R

BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE, LETS HAVE

SOME CONTEXT.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

FORGET ABOUT YOUR BLACK [BLEEP].

IT'S MAKING MY [BLEEP] WET

THOUGH.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR CLAIRE

CLARIFYING THE AMOUNT OF

WETNESS.

IT IS POSSIBLE HER BOYFRIEND'S

NAME IS NIG HOR.

MAYBE SHE'S TURKISH.

NOW I'M LEANING TOWARDS THE

NON-RACIST CAMP.

>> JUST A LITTLE WET WIPE.

>> Tosh: TRADITIONALLY BLACK

PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.

ALSO, I DON'T THINK HER [BLEEP]

IS THAT LITTLE.

>> BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BEG FOR

IT.

CAUSE I'M NOT GOING LET YOU

STICK [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

>> Tosh: DOES SHE PLAY FOR THE

EAGLES?

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO USE SLURS

TO DISTRACT PEOPLE FROM YOUR

COMPLETE LACK OF NECK AND ONE

GIANT EYE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD

ALIENATE THE ONLY DEMO THIS

FINDS HER ATTRACTIVE.

SHE ALMOST LOST ME HERE BY

SPEAKING TO THIS PERSON LIKE A

DOG BUT I'LL CHALK IT UP TO

DIRTY TALK.

IN FACT I CHALLENGE TO YOU FIND

A BLACKMAN OFFENDED BY HER OFFER

WHICH IS WHY I DEEM THE CLIP NOT

RACIST.

OKAY.

TIME FOR OUR VIEWER VINE OF THE

WEEK.

[***]

>> Tosh: THE HARDEST THING OF

PULLING THAT OFF IS FINDING A

STATION THAT STILL PLAYS NELLY.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK, CASUAL

RE-RUN VIEWERS IN NOVEMBER OF

2019.

I TRUST THE SKRILLEX REFERENCE

STOOD UP.

WATCH ME REDEEM THE MOST

GULLIBLE MAN IN THE WORLD.

>> HE SAYS HE LOST HIS LIFE'S

SAVINGS, $2600 ON A CARNIVAL

GAME LIKE THIS ONE.

ALL HE HAS TO SHOW FOR IT IS

THIS STUFFED BANANA WITH DREAD

LOCKS.

>> Tosh: HE BETTER DEPOSIT IT

INTO THE ATM.

I'VE ASKED YOU FOR FIVE STRAIGHT

SEASONS TO KEEP UP ON

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

ARE YOU REALLY DOING IT?

I UNDERSTAND THERE'S NEW MERCH

IN THE STORE.

SEE ME DO STANDUP AND TICKETS

FOR MY TAHOE SHOWS GOES ON SALE

TOMORROW AND THERE'S A NEW

EPISODE OF BRICKLEBERRY NEXT AND

RAISING A DAUGHTER TODAY SEEMS

IMPOSSIBLE UNLESS YOUR TRYING TO

RAISE A SLAUGHT IN WHICH CASE

IT'S EASY.

RECENTLY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

WRITING LETTERS TO THEIR UNBORN

DAUGHTERS AND I ASKED YOU TO

WRITE MINE FOR ME IN OUR LATEST

INSTALLMENT OF TWITTEN BY.

THE FIRST IS DEAR, KYLIE, FEEL

FREE TO GIVE YOURSELF A BETTER

NAME.

BY NOW YOU KNOW YOUR ABORTION

FAILED AND YOU WERE BORN.

THAT'S MY CHOICE.

YOUR TWO FATHERS LOVE YOU VERY

MUCH.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID.

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO

MEETING ME BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO

HAPPEN.

SUCKS YOU CAN'T BONE YOUR OWN

DAD.

NEVER KEEP A TOOTH BRUSH IN YOUR

PURSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK SLUTTY.

NEVER SLEEP WITH AN NBA PLAYER

UNLESS YOU SEE WHAT HE'S

GUARANTEED IN HIS CONTRACT.

NEVER TRUST ARN ANDERSON EVER.

THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.

ANY DAUGHTER OF MINE KNOWS THAT

ARN ANDERSON IS NOT TO BE

TRUSTED.

ALWAYS RUSH YOUR NUMBER TWOS SO

PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE TAKING A

NUMBER ONE.

GOOD ADVICE.

THE VAGINA IS A SELF-CLEANSING

ORGAN.

DOUCHING IS NOT HEALTHY OR

NECESSARY.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM TRUE.

IN COLLEGE SLEEP WITH AS IN GUYS

AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN LATER IS

A SLEPT WITH HIM IF HE BECOMES

FAMOUS.

YOU CAN SAY THAT REGARDLESS AND

BE WAY LESS SKANKY.

IF YOU MESS UP JUST PUT CHEESE

ON IT.

EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH CHEESE

ON IT.

PUT SOME CHEESE ON THAT [BLEEP].

PS, GO DOLPHINS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WHAT DOES DRUM AND BASS

SOUND LIKE?

OKAY.

WHAT'S YOUR GO TO STRONG GET

GIRLS TWERKING.

>> MAKE IT RAIN.

MAKE RAIN.