Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> WATCH OUT.

>> I'M NOT A NURSE YET.

>> I CAN DO IT.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> YEAH, THE HOSPITAL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: OH, IF GALLAGHER TAUGHT

US ANYTHING IS USE A

SLEDGEHAMMER IS LESS SAFER AND

LESS FUNNY.

THANKS FOR TEARING YOURSELF AWAY

FROM GRAND THEFT AUTO 5.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE PROFILE

OUR LEAST PUBESCENT CELEBRITY

YET AND INTERVIEW A GIRLFRIEND

WORSE THAN YOURS AND TOSS AROUND

THE AUSTRALIAN FRISBEE.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY STANDING NEAR

A BLOND GIRL MAKES YOU STUPID.

AT LEAST THEY HAVE A NOT A NURSE

YET STANDING BY.

YEAH, HOSPITAL.

MAYBE A BARBERSHOP YOU HIPPY.

NO ONE WINS.

HE LOSES HIS THUMB AND THE FRUIT

SALAD IS NOW 90% HONEYDEW.

THE SECRET SO TO LET SOMEONE

HOLD THE FRUIT FOR YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED IS NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS I LOOK GREAT

IN DENIM AND CUTTING FRUIT IS

DANGEROUS.

THAT'S WHY IN MY OFFICE WE HAVE

A STRICT NEW NO-PEELING POLICY.

>> YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM.

>> COME ON.

>> I THINK TRY THE OTHER WAY.

LOOK AT HIM ENJOYING IT.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: WE ALSO HAD A COCONUT

THOUGH I FIRMLY BELIEVE IT'S A

NUT NOT A FRUIT NEP NEXT

STRIPPER MAYBE LITTLE PERSON BUT

THE THIGHS ARE ABOVE AVERAGE.

THAT'S THE NEW STRIP CLUB IN THE

CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED WONKA

DONKS.

DUST THE CLOCK OFF AND PUT 20

SECONDS ON IT.

YOU'RE NOT CATCHING HADEN

PANTERI WITH A FULL HEAD OF

STREAM.

WHITE PANTS IN A STRIP CLUB IS A

BOWLED MOVE, SIR.

HER MAGIC DOESN'T WORK OUTSIDE

OF PIXIE HOLLOW.

ONE OF THE MANY DRAWBACKS OF NOT

BEING ABLE TO WRAP YOUR LEGS

AROUND SOMEONE.

NOW THE NEW DIRECT TV DOG

CHANNEL GETS SEXY AFTER

MIDNIGHT.

>> A RUBBER COLLECTING CONE IS

ATTACHED TO THE TOP OF THE CLEAN

TUBE.

IT PERMITS COLLECTION OF THE

SEMEN.

THE TOP IS FOLDED DOWN TO GIVE A

GOOD PLACE TO HOLD IT ONCE IT IS

OVER THE DOG'S PENIS.

NOTE THE DOG IS STANDING ON THE

RUG TO GIVE HIM GOOD FEETING.

IT'S SIMULATED --

>> Tosh: CALM DOWN, IT'S HIS

BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS THE WORSE OR BEST VET

DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ASK.

>> THE DOG'S SEMEN IS

EJACULATED.

YOU CAN SEE ANAL CONTRACTS.

>> Tosh: PLAY WITH HIS BALLS

LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE.

>> WHEN SEMEN COLLECTION IS

FINISHED THE CONE IS GENTLY

PULLED OFF THE DOG'S PENIS.

THE LAVENDER COLOR OF THE

ENGORGED DOG'S PENIS IS NORMAL.

>> Tosh: NOW START DECORATING

YOUR CAKE.

>> CAN I HAVE SOME ICING.

>> Tosh: YES.

>> JUST DON'T GET IT IN MY HAIR.

[***]

>> VANILLA?

>> Tosh: NO, LABRADOODLE.

THAT WAS THE SECOND BIGGEST LOAD

OF ICE SHE'S EVER TAKEN ON HER

FACE.

HERE'S A GREAT WAY TO GET POINTS

ON YOUR BOATING LICENSE IF

THAT'S A THING.

>> SKIM BOARD HIGH-FIVE.

MAYBE, NOT SURE.

>> BUT WE HOPE IT WORKS BECAUSE

IT WOULD LOOK REALLY COOL.

>> HERE IT COMES.

DOWN IN FRONT OF THE BOAT.

LET GO OF THE ROPE.

GOING RIGHT.

THERE IS IT IS.

OH, [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND AT

USHER'S PLACE.

NOW RUN OVER THE IDIOT WITH THE

CAMERA.

BY THE WAY, AT NO TIME WAS

ANYONE HOLDING UP THEIR HAND FOR

THIS EPIC HIGH-FIVE.

OKAY.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN ARTISTS

ARE MOVED BY THEIR OWN MUSIC?

>> Tosh: WHAT IS THIS LILITH

FAIR?

EVEN HIS STOMACH WANTS HIM TO

STOP PLAYING.

RESCHEDULE THE CONCERT.

ALL YOUR FANS WILL UNDERSTAND.

I DID THE SAME THING EVERY TIME

IMAGINE DRAGONS, PASSENGER, AWOL

NATION, ROB THICKE, MILEY'S DAD,

KINGS OF LEON, LUMINERE, GO GO

FOR DELLO, FRANZ FERDINAND,

DEATH CAP FOR CUTIE, MY CHEMICAL

ROMANCE AND WIND BUTLER OF

ARCADE FIRE PICKS UP A GUITAR.

QUESTION, WHAT'S NEXT?

SORRY, SYRIA WE HAVE BIGGER

McFISH TO FRY.

NOW SEE HOW THE THREAT OF LOSING

MAJOR CORPORATE SPONSORS AFFECTS

THE JOKES I'M ABOUT TO TELL IN

THE BA DA DA DA DA, BREAKDOWN.

MONOPOLY IS BACK AND ALL THIS

LADY NEEDS IS A RAILROAD TO BUY

A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF METH.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S UPSET BECAUSE

THEY'RE OUT OF NUGGETS.

JUST RUN OVER A PIGEON WITH YOUR

CAR AND EAT THAT INSTEAD.

FEWER CALORIES.

DON'T WORRY, THEY KNOW EACH

OTHER FROM JUVIE.

SHE'S DEFINITE DRESSED FOR A

MUGSHOT.

NOT EVERYONE CAN PULL OFF A PINK

TOP AS WELL AS ME.

MA'AM, THE DRIVE-THRU IS FOR

PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO GO

INSIDE.

GET BACK IN YOUR VEHICLE AND

HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME LIKE THE

REST US.

I'D START CHUCK APPLE PIES AT

HER.

THEY'RE FILLED WITH LAVA.

THEY'RE PREPARED TO DEFEND THE

SECRET SAUCE RECIPE WITH THEIR

LIVES.

THEY CAN'T GET IT CLOSED BECAUSE

THEY'RE FINGERS ARE SO GREASY.

THAT'S BULLET-PROOF GLASS.

WHERE WAS OFFICER BIG MAC WHEN

YOU NEED HIM.

YES, THAT'S HIS REAL NAME.

THAT'S HOW THE COMPANY BECAME SO

SUCCESSFUL.

THEY'D BETTER NOT ADD HER TO THE

SERVED CUSTOMER TALLY.

SHE PULLED AWAY WITHOUT FOOD

WHICH MEANS EVERYONE'S ORDER

WILL BE OFF BY ONE BY THE END OF

TIME.

AT LEAST THEY'LL BE PROUD OF THE

WAY THEY HANDLED HER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

LOHANTHONY BUT HERE'S ANOTHER

INSTALLMENT OF STREET JUSTICE.

>> STREET JUSTICE.

CASE CLOSED.

>> LOHANTHONY VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

>> HEY, IT'S LOHANTHONY.

TO ALL THE BASIC BITCHES.

NEW ANNOUNCEMENT, YOU'RE BASIC.

I LOOK LIKE JESUS' DISCIPLE BUT

I'M GOING WORK IT.

YOU KNOW HOW I DO.

I'M OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN LIKE 50 YEARS.

YOU HAVE TO WORK IT BECAUSE YOU

NEVER KNOW.

PAPARAZZI CAN BE AROUND THE

CORNER.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

THREE, TWO, ONE.

YOU IF YOU GUYS ARE WATCHING

GIVE THIS VIDEO A BIG THUMBS UP

BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO THUMB

ME IN THE [BLEEP].

THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: YOU GO, GIRL.

THAT FABULOUS FLEXIBLE

14-YEAR-OLD FIRECRACKER'S

LOHANTHONY.

HIS YOUTUBE VIDEOS HAVE OVER 10

MILLION VIEWS.

NOT ONLY DOES HE MAKE MORE MONEY

THAN HIS PARENTS AND MORE FAMOUS

THAN 95% OF THE ACTORS IN L.A.

HE'S KNOWN AS A BLOGGER.

I LOVE THE PLAYER BUT THE GAME'S

AWFUL.

BLOGS ARE THE WORSE SIDE EFFECT

OF SOCIETY WHERE EVERYONE THINKS

THEY'RE SPECIAL.

IT'S LESS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN

TV SHOW AND MORE LIKE FACE

TIMING WITH YOUR SELF.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WANT

TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS.

I CAN'T EVEN TELL MY MAID I FEEL

UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN SHE BRINGS

HER DAUGHTER WITH HER TO CLEAN.

WAS I THE ONLY ONE RAISED IN A

HOUSE ARE CHILDREN WERE SUPPOSED

TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD?

IN I WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT A

TEENAGER'S LIFE I'D TALK TO MY

GIRLFRIEND.

HAVE YOU TO MAKE SOMETHING OF

YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SHARE

YOUR VIEWS NOW ANYONE WITH A

WI-FI CONNECTION AND TWO WORKING

PARENTS THINKS I CARE WHAT THEY

BUY.

INTERESTING PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS

WITH THEIR LIVES DON'T HAVE TIME

TO DO THIS.

LOHANTHONY IS VIRAL AND THE MOST

POPULAR THING ON THE INTERNET

ASIDE FROM PORN, RACISM AND CATS

SO I FLEW ANOTHER TEENAGED BOY I

MET ONLINE TO HOLLYWOOD FOR A

CELEBRITY PROFILE.

LOHANTHONY.

>> HI, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: CALL ME LEE.

NOT MANY PEOPLE GET TO SEE

BEHIND THE SCENES.

LOHANTHONY.

IS THAT YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH

THE NAME?

>> I PUT LINDSAY LOHAN MY IDOL

AND MY FRIEND TOGETHER.

>> Tosh: SHE TWEETED YOU.

>> THIS HAPPENED.

I LOVE YOU LINDSAY BOO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL

BECOME MORE POPULAR THAN HER?

>> I THINK I ALREADY AM.

>> Tosh: WHEN YOU DID START MAKE

VIDEOS?

>> THREE YEARS AGO AND THEY WERE

STUPID.

>> Tosh: BUT FUN.

>> MY NAME IS MOTHER [BLEEP]

FABULOUS

FABULOUS

FABULOUS BITCH.

REMEMBER IT.

>> Tosh: HOW'S YOU LEARN HOW TO

TWERK?

>> LET ME SEE YOU DANCE.

>> Tosh: OKAY, THAT WAS AWKWARD.

LOHANTHONY.

THE OTHER DAY I NOTICED #ASK

LOHANTHONY WAS TRENDING

WORLDWIDE.

TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

>> I LET MY FOLLOWERS ASK ME

QUESTIONS.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF JUSTIN

BEIBER SHOWED UP WITH ROSES I'D

PUSH THE ROSES OUT OF THE WAY

AND [BLEEP] THE [BLEEP] OUT OF

HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK IT'S DOES

RESPECTFUL YOU TALK LIKE A BLACK

GIRL?

>> NO, BECAUSE IT'S TRULY WHO I

AM INSIDE.

>> Tosh: FAIR ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: SORRY.

>> CALLING ALL THE BASIC

BITCHES.

>> Tosh: CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO

CALL ALL THE BASIC BITCHES.

>> LOOK DOWN LIKE THIS AND JUST

SCREAM, CALLING ALL THE BASIC

BITCHES.

>> Tosh: CALLING ALL THE BASIC

BITCHES.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE BASIC?

>> TO BE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

AND NOT BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE

INSIDE.

>> Tosh: I HATE TO EVEN ASK THIS

QUESTION, LOHANTHONY BUT AM I

BASIC?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU, CARLUCCI.

HE'S MY HOUSE BOY.

HE'S HAD SOME PLASTIC SURGERY TO

LOOK MORE LIKE ME.

>> THIS VIDEO IS A TUTORIAL ON

HOW TO BE A --

>> Tosh: WHAT MAKES YOU A DIVA?

I'M A FEMALE VERSION OF A

HUSTLER.

>> Tosh: LOOKING BACK WHAT WAS

THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR CAREER?

>> FINDING OUT MY VIDEOS HAVE

HELPED PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: BUT HAVE THEY HELPED

YOU?

WHO'S HERE TO HELP YOU?

>> YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: JUST A LITTLE PROMISE.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,

LOHANTHONY.

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?

>> MY VERY OWN TV SHOW.

>> Tosh: COMEDY CENTRAL,

LOHANTHONY WANTS A SHOW.

>> SEPTEMBER 17, 2013, FROM

COMEDY CENTRAL'S WORLD NEWS

HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK THIS IS

THE DAILY SHOW LOHANTHONY.

>> WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW

LOHANTHONY.

I'M YOUR HOST FILLING IN YOUR

JOHN OLIVER FILLING IN FOR JON

STEWART FILLING IN FOR CRAIG

KILBORN WHILE HE MADE BAT

CHOICES.

IRANI REFUSES TO DISARM.

HOWARD DEAN SAYS HE'S OPEN FOR

ANOTHER BID FOR PRESIDENT.

IS THAT JIMMY DEAN'S BROTHER?

I WOULD VOTE FOR ANYBODY TO GIVE

ME FREE BREAKFAST SANDWICHES.

I'M GOING GET FAT.

ANY WAY, BRAZIL, IF I DIDN'T

LOVE GISELLE SO MUCH I'D SAY A

LOT OF MEAN THINGS BUT I'M OVER

IT.

NOW FOR THE UNREST IN THE MIDDLE

EAST WE GO TO CORRESPONDING SARA

IN TALIB SQUARE.

MY GUEST IS AN AUTHOR OF A BOOK.

PLEASE WELCOME DR. STEINBERG

BERGSTEIN.

OKAY.

FIRST OFF, WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS

THAT?

I SEE MY GRANDMA WITH A DISH RAG

WITH THE SAME PATTERN.

DID YOU GET THAT AT SEARS?

THAT'S IT FOR THE DAILY SHOW

LOHANTHONY.

NEXT UP IS THE COLBERT REPORT.

WHAT'S UP, STEPHEN?

>> IS THERE NO END TO YOUR

SPUNK?

WE'RE TRENDING I'M NOT A

BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL.

>> Tosh: IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU

TO KNOW THAT WE HAD TO EXPLAIN

TO LOHANTHONY WHAT THE DAILY

SHOW WAS BEFORE WE SHOT THAT.

SINCE HE LEFT I'VE BEEN SUPER

INTO BLOGGING.

HERE'S MY VIDEO.

CHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE FOR THE

FULL VERSION.

IT'S EXTREMELY SAD.

>> OKAY, RIGHT HERE.

THREE OF THESE.

THESE THINGS ARE NOT CHEAP.

$22 A POP.

FUNNY THING IS ONE TIME I WAS

WITH THIS GIRL.

WE WERE GOING TO GO OUT ON ONE

DATE AND I PICK HER UP AND HER

MAKEUP IS THICK.

I'M FREAKED OUT.

SHE SAW I HAD A TUBE IN MY CAR

AND SAID WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A

HAND MASSAGE.

AND I'M LIKE I'M NOT WASTING MY

GOOD [BLEEP] DOWN CLOWN FACE.

>> LOOK WHO'S AT THE DOOR.

PRINCESS.

OPEN IT, OPEN IT, QUICK.

>> THE PRINCESS IS HERE.

>> ROSES?

>> Tosh: HERE'S WHERE YOU NEVER

MARRY THE BABY VOICE GIRL.

>> OH, PRINCESS.

>> Tosh: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL

YOU'RE NOT A PRINCESS, JENNIFER.

PRINCESSES VACATION IN YACHTS ON

THE MEDITERRANEAN NOT IN

AMUSEMENT MARKS IN ANAHEIM.

>> LOOK AT MY FLOWERS.

>> Tosh: THE POOR, PUSSY WHIPPED

BASTARD THAT'S MARRIED TO YOU

WANT THEM TO DIE LIKE THIS

RELATIONSHIP.

>> I GET A SASH?

THIS IS MY FANTASTIC PRINCESS

SASH.

>> SPECTACULAR, SPECTACULAR.

>> I'M NOT A BEAUTY QUEEN.

>> LOOKS RIGHT.

>> Tosh: AHA.

NOW GIVE THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND TO

HANG HIMSELF WITH IT.

>> AND HERE'S MY CEPTOR.

>> THE ONLY WAY THIS IS WORTH IT

IS IF IT ENDS UP IN HER BUTT

LATER.

>> WOW.

THAT'S A CROWN.

HOLY-MOLY.

IT CAME ON A PILLOW AND

EVERYTHING.

>> Tosh: GOOD LORD, THIS BITCH

BETTER HAVE CANCER.

PERSONALLY, I DON'T TREAT MY

GIRLFRIEND LIKE A PRINCESS.

I TREAT HER LIKE A QUEEN.

NOT JUST ON HER BIRTHDAY, EVERY

DAY.

>> HEY, I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE.

WILL YOU CALL IT REAL QUICK?

>> Tosh: THIS IS MADNESS.

I SWEAR THE SWORD OF DRAGON'S

THE QUEEN'S NAME SHALL NEVER BE

SPOKEN AGAIN.

BE GONE.

>> FINE.

>> Tosh: YOU SPEAK WITH SUCH

DISDAIN THOUGH YOU BEG FOR

MERCY.

WINTER IS COMING.

EVEN THE HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP

TAKE A TON OF WORK AND NOW IT'S

TIME FOR THE VIEWER VINE OF THE

WEEK.

IT'S DRUNK MARIO.

[ MARIO THEME MUSIC ]

>> Tosh: DON'T LET HIM GET

BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A KART.

YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOT DRUNK ON

THE CAR?

CASH BANDY COOT.

TOTAL PRO.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

MOUTHING OFF.

51 GREATEST SMART ASSES.

WE'RE SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE

BARREL COMEDY CENTRAL.

TIME TO START CANCELLING MORE

SHOWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE SUBTLE

DIFFERENCE YET?

AND NO, IT'S NOT THIS EPISODE IS

EVEN FUNNIER.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE CHECK

OUT THE HOOK WHILE THIS DEEJAY

REVOLVES IT.

>> WE NEED TO GET IT UP TO A

TEN.

I NEED EVERYBODY IN.

JUMP, JUMP, JUMP.

WE GOT IT AT 9.5.

WE HAVE 0.5 LESS TO GO.

LET'S GO.

>> Tosh: EXCLUSIVE CLUB THERE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE AT A 6.5

LET'S BRING IT DOWN A REASONABLE

4. 2 WHILE I DO SELF-PROMOTION.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE

CHAT DURING THE SHOW.

NOW IF YOU PREFER YOUR JOKES IN

TEXT FORM CHECK OUT OUR BLOG AT

TOSH DOT WHATEVER.

IT'S BEEN RESKINNED.

THAT'S BLOG TALK.

COME SEE ME DO STANDUP COMEDY

USUALLY AT NIGHT AND STAY TUNED

FOR A NEW EPISODE OF

BRICKLEBERRY AND TOMORROW'S

NATIONAL BOOMERANG DAY.

I COMMISSIONED A MAKER TO WHIP

ME UP.

A BATCH OF DEADLY BANGS.

I'M CROCODILE DUNDEE.

THIS IS A BOOMERANG.

HOP OFF YOU POOF.

I GOT HIS LEGS AND FEET BOUND.

THIS SHOULD BE FUN.

THAT BIG ONE CAME FLYING.

>> Tosh: YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD

WITH ANAROO?

PUMPERNICKEL.

THE GOLD I PHONE IS FOR

PERSIANS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EXCITING THING THAT HAS HAPPENED

TO YOU.

>> I WENT TO THIS CONVENTION FOR

YOUTUBERS AND IT WAS FUN.

>> Tosh: VITCON?

IN OTHER WORDS.