Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: YOU KNOW THE NFL ISN'T

GIVING HUSH MONEY TO EVERYONE

WITH A CONCUSSION, RIGHT?

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" AND NO I

DIDN'T GET LAZY AND PUT ON THE

SAME OUTFIT AS LAST WEEK.

THIS IS THE SEASON OF SUBTLE

DIFFERENCES.

CAN YOU FIND IT?

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE SEE WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN AMERICA FORGETS TO

NEVER FORGET, I SHARE SECRETS

WITH A LITTLE BOY AND I PAY 99

CENTS TO SOUND LIKE I'M HAVING A

STROKE.

NOW, THERE'S ONLY TWO WAYS TO

GET A JOB WORKING AT TRIPLE A.

YOU CAN BE SEXED IN OR DO THIS.

OH, ANY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: LOOK AT THE SCARF.

THESE FANSIEST IDIOT IN TOWN.

>> YOU'RE INSANE.

>> Tosh: HE PROBABLY LOCKED HIS

BABY IN THERE.

>> GOD.

ONE MORE?

>> Tosh: NOBODY TELL HIM WITH

THE SPARE KEY.

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, IF YOU EVER

HAD A GIRLS LOCKER ROOM FANTASY

THIS OUGHT TO RUIN IT.

>> READY?

LOOK AT THIS.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, ONE OF YOU

IS EATING MORE THAN JUST FRENCH

FRIES AT LUNCH.

>> READY, GO.

>> Tosh: I THINK IT JUST WINKED

AT THEM.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: COME ON, LADIES, USE

YOUR PEE TO LASER IT IN HALF AND

THEN FLUSH IT DOWN.

THAT'S PLUMBING 101.

IS ISN'T ELSE CONCERNED THERE'S

NO TOILET PAPER.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE NINE FOR IX

ON ESPN.

THIS TAKES ME BACK JUST A FEW

SHORT YEARS AGO.

>> I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE

USED THE TOILET.

>> Tosh: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD

HAVE USED IT SIX YEARS AGO.

SORRY, BUDDY.

LET'S NOT DO THE MATH ON THAT.

EVEN ASIAN PEOPLE HAVE TO ADMIT

A LOT OF THESE KIDS LOOK

SIMILAR.

ALL THIS [BLEEP]ING AROUND IS

WHY THE iPHONE 5-S IS WHY IT'S

TAKING SO LONG.

EVERY PING PONG PADDLE IS

PERSONALLY TESTED BY THE CHILD

WHO MAKES IT.

WHEN AGE DO THEY START USING

THAT RIDICULOUS HAND GRIP?

COMMUNISTS LOVE DOGS THINGS IN

LINE.

YES, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING

THEY KILLED THE LEFTY AS IS

APPROPRIATE.

I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU CHINA.

IN CAN TAKE ALL THOSE KIDS ON AT

ONCE.

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING I WON

11-2.

CHINA GOT SKUNKED.

OKAY, LADIES LET'S STICK WITH

THE KEY CHAIN SIZED CAN OF

PEPPER SPRAY FROM NOW ON.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> OH, YEAH.

DONE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> PULL THE TRIGGER ONE MORE

TIME.

THERE YOU GO.

PUT IT ON SAFE.

>> RELAX.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT EVEN

SUPPOSED TO LET THEM HAVE THE

REMOTE CONTROL.

THIS IS HOW I BELIEVE KURT

COBAIN DIED.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> RELAX, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO

THIS.

>> Tosh: ONLY A POINTED GUN AT A

DUDE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE IT'S

HIS FAULT.

TIME GO BIG OR GO HOME.

HOME IT IS.

JUST BECAUSE YOU WON THE RAFFLE

DOESN'T MEAN HAVE YOU TO USE THE

MOUNTAIN BIKE.

I BLAME THE IMAGINARY FRIEND

RIDING ON HIS HANDLEBARS.

HE'S PROBABLY ALLERGIC TO

EVERYTHING THAT JUST FELL ON

HIM.

JUST ONCE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE

THE GUY THAT HAS TO WALK IT UP

THE HILL.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER.

OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: WHAT AN [BLEEP].

NOW, LET'S WATCH FLORIDA BEING

FLORIDA IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER,

BUTTWATER.

>> YOU CAN TELL IT'S ORLANDO.

IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES

HE'LL APPEAR.

HIS LAWN'S GETTING WATER AND

FERTILIZED AT THE SAME TIME.

IF MILEY TAUGHT US ANYTHING IS

YOU CAN HAVE A GROSS ASS AND GET

TONS OF ATTENTION.

>> HERE HE GOES AGAIN.

>> Tosh: I'D PUT MY THUMB OVER

IT TO GET SOME DISTANCE.

KEEP IN MIND, THESE ARE THE

PEOPLE WHO DECIDED THE LAST FOUR

ELECTIONS.

ANY CHANCE HE'S NOT USING THE

HOSE AND GOING STRAIGHT TOLD

SPIGOT.

>> HERE WE GO.

WATCH OUT!

>> Tosh: TWO ENCORES?

BUTTWATER THINKS HE'S PAUL

MCCARTNEY.

CLOSING SPEED FOR A GUY PINCHING

A GAL ON OF WATER IN HIS ANUS.

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY

BARBECUE.

HE'S BEEN BUTT-IZED.

HIS BUTT BELONGS TO BUTT JESUS.

LADIES, POOP WATER?

NO?

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND ANY

LOVE MAKING PROWESS IS STUFF OF

LEGEND AND I'M READY TO SHARE

TECHNIQUES WITH THE WORLD AND I

PROUDLY GIVE YOU MY 100% ORGASM

GUARANTEED "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION

OF THE WEEK.

>> IN THIS POSITION THE WOMAN'S

FACING THE MAN'S LAP FACING

FORWARD.

THEY BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS IN THE

AIR AND SCREAM AS IF ON A ROLLER

COASTER.

AT THE MOMENT OF CLIMAX A

STRANGER COMES AND TAKES THE

PICTURE.

YOU CAN THEN HAVE THE OPTION TO

PURCHASE THE PICTURES FOR $12

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PERFORM THE

ROLLER COASTER.

THANKS, DANIEL AND REMEMBER,

KEEP ON [BLEEP]ING.

>> OKAY, NEW YORKERS THIS ISN'T

ALWAYS APPROPRIATE BUT IT IS

TODAY SO ANYBODY WITH A PAIR,

JOIN ME, USA, USA, COME ON, USA,

USA, ANYBODY GIVE A [BLEEP]?

USA!

USA!

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO ALL THE

MILITARY.

EVERYONE WHO PROTECTS YOU WHILE

YOU SLEEP.

>> Tosh: THAT FRUSTRATED PATRIOT

IS JONATHAN AND THE FORGOT THE

NUMBER ONE RULE ON A SUBWAY,

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

HE WAS JUST TRYING TO THE CHANT

GOING THE DAY AFTER WE KILLED

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

UNFORTUNATELY CHANT DON'T WORK

OR CHANTING DEREK JETER WOULD

MAKE HIM A MASCOT.

TOMORROW IS SEPTEMBER 11.

AMERICA'S SADDEST HOLIDAY.

YOU MIAMI REMEMBER IT AS THE DAY

BEN FOLDS RELEASED HIS FIRST

SOLO ALBUM.

C

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY IT WAS

AN INSIDE JOB.

YOU KNOW WHO'S TOO LAZY TRYING

TO PLAN AN ATTACK IS PEOPLE IN

AMERICA.

I GET ANGRY SPELLING

AFGHANISTAN.

HAND IT TO TERRORISTS THEY'RE

NOTHING IF NOT INVENTIVE.

THE WORSE I CAN DO WITH A

PRESSURE COOKER IS MAKE BURNT

RISOTTO.

SURE, 9-11 WAS A LOT FOR THE

COUNTRY TO HANDLE ESPECIALLY OFF

THE HEELS OF Y2K BUT I WATCH

MILLION DOLLAR LISTINGS AND NEW

YORK CITY IS BACK.

I'LL WAIT FOR A COMIC NO ONE HAS

HEARD OF TO GET WASTED AND

EXPLAIN IT AND JONATHAN'S HEART

WAS ON THE RIGHT PLACE AND I

FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> GOD BLESS YOU, JONATHAN.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

>> Tosh: IT'S ME DANIEL.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH.

>> Tosh: I'M ADEQUATELY

COMPENSATED.

I LIVE ON MY PANHANDLE MONEY.

MY NETWORK KNOWS NOT TO REPLACE

THE HIGHEST RATED SHOW WITH

JIMMY FOLLOWON.

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> TEXAS.

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT BECAUSE I

FEEL PEOPLE FROM TEXAS ARE

GENUINELY PRIDEFUL OF OUR

COUNTRY.

>> TEXAS FIRST, YEAH BUT YEAH,

USA'S NUMBER ONE.

>> Tosh: WHY IS TEXAS SO FAR AND

AWAY THE BEST STATE IN THE

COUNTRY?

>> WE'RE THE ONLY STATE TO HAVE

BEEN A COUNTRY ITSELF FOR TEN

YEARS AND A C

>> I WAS HEADING HOME FROM WORK

ON THE L TRAIN.

>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE

VIDEO.

>> THE NIGHT BEFORE WE KILLED

OSAMA BIN LADEN AND I WAS RIDING

THAT HIGH.

EARLIER I WAS GROUND ZERO,

CHANTING USA FIREFIGHTERS.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE A TRUE AMERICAN.

>> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO

AFTER WE MURDERED OSAMA BIN

LADEN AND I PRESSED RECORD AND

GOT A SHOT AND THOUGHTITE GET

ONE OR TWO PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU

STOPPED.

>> A FEW MINUTES.

>> Tosh: IT WAS AWKWARD?

>> MORE AWKWARD THAN ANYTHING ON

THE VIDEO.

I PUT IT ON YOUTUBE ANY WAY.

>> Tosh: YOU PUT IT ON ANY WAY?

>> IT WAS FOR POSTERITY.

ON SO MANY LEVELS IT WAS

INTERESTING TO WATCH.

ARE YOU USUALLY A BETTER LEADER?

>> I'M A BETTER LEADER BUT I

DON'T LIKE TO FLAUNT IT.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD WERE YOU.

>> 19.

>> Tosh: DID YOU JOIN?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DID YOU SHOOT A GUN?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU KILLED A

TERRORIST?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE

CONSIDER NEW YORK CITY THE

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD?

>> WHAT'S THE SECOND GREATEST?

>> AUSTIN, TEXAS BUT THOSE ARE

THE TWO PLACES I SPENT THE MOST.

MAYBE ISTANBUL.

>> Tosh: SURE, NEW YORK, AUSTIN,

ISTANBUL.

WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON CANADA?

>> THEY'RE INSIGNIFICANT.

>> Tosh: THAT MAKES ME LAUGH.

WHO'S THE MOST PATRIOTIC

AMERICAN?

>> DANIEL DAY LEWIS.

>> Tosh: HE'S NOT AMERICAN.

>> HE'S THE MOST AMERICAN

NON-AMERICAN.

>> Tosh: YOU INTO POLITICS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE

COUNTRY.

>> WE HAVE A DUMBING DOWN OF

POLITICS.

>> Tosh: DO YOU WATCH HOUSE OF

CARDS?

>> I WASH THAT SHOW.

>> Tosh: I'D VOTE FOR HIM.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN

YEARS.

>> I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE.

>> Tosh: MARRIED?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: CHILDREN?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: OVER THREE.

>> NO.

CAN I GET MY DOLLAR BACK.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS A GIFT.

NOW MEET ME TOMORROW.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THE ENTIRE

PLANET TO CHANT USA.

>> REALLY?

WHERE?

>> Tosh: THE MOST PATRIOTIC

PLACE IN THE WORLD.

READY TO DO THIS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY TWITTER

FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE?

>> EIGHTY SOMETHING.

>> Tosh: I HAVE MILLIONS SO

WE'LL USE MINE AND WE'LL START

THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST USA

CHANT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN IN

ONE MINUTE.

>> SHOULD HAVE SAID 30 SECONDS.

EVERYONE'S INSTRUCTED TO START

CHANTING IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

>> NOW LET'S START THE WAVE.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, [BLEEP] YOU,

[BLEEP] HOLE.

I'M TAKING MY EAGLE AND MY PIE.

THIS IS WHY "TOSH.0" HAS ALWAYS

BEEN THE MOST PATRIOTIC SHOW ON

TV.

YES, INCLUDING JAG.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

WHO CARES ABOUT THE SONS OF

ANARCHY WHEN YOU HAVE THE

DAUGHTERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: HERE YOU GO.

HEY, DON'T LIE TO ME.

WHEN YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO

CLEAN YOUR ROOM YOU CLEAN IT UP.

DON'T PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT.

YOU GOT A CELL PHONE?

DON'T USE IT.

DON'T USE VIDEO GAME.

ALL THESE IDIOTS PLAY VIDEO

GAME.

WHEN YOU GET HOME DO YOUR

HOMEWORK.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, OKAY?

YOU GOT A BROTHER AND SISTER?

>> YES.

>> DON'T BE FIGHTING WITH THEM,

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, GO AHEAD AND GO DOWN.

YOU LATER, BUDDY.

>> Tosh: HE FORGOT TO TELL HIM

NEVER LISTEN TO A FIRST BASE

COACH OF A SUB 500 TEAM.

DO WE EVEN NEED A FIRST BASE

COACH.

JUST KEEP YOUR SHIN GUARD ON.

MAYBE THE ONE GUY YOU

GO-TO-SHOULDN'T BE YOUR LIFE

ADVICE.

BUSTING YOUR BALLS COACH

I LIKE TO DOLE OUT PEARLS OF

WISDOM TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT MY

SHOW.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> NINE.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE

HERE.

DON'T USE SWEAR WORDS.

DO YOU PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?

ALWAYS SIT TO PEE.

90% OF WHAT PHYSICIANS SAY IS A

CROCK.

ALMOST EVERYTHING WILL GO AWAY

ON ITS OWN EXCEPT CANCER.

TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSE.

SMELL ONE.

USE LIP BALM.

YOU LIKE ORANGE JUICE?

DON'T DRINK IT.

IT'S LIKE DRINKING NINE ORANGES.

IF YOU SLEEP WITH A PILLOW

BETWEEN YOUR LEGS GET NINE.

ONE DAY SOON YOU'LL COME ACROSS

A WEARY TRAVELER.

HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND.

MURDER HIM BEFORE HE KILLS

EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN STILL HAVE SEX

WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON HER

PERIOD JUST LAY A TOWEL DOWN.

AND MAKE SURE COOKIES ARE COOL

BEFORE ICING.

YOU LIKE CUBANS?

>> THEY'RE EXCELLENT PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: IF A WOMAN EVER TELLS

YOU SHE'S PREGNANT GO LIKE THIS.

IF SHE'S UPSET IT MEANS SHE'S

INTO THE PATIENT ENOUGH TO BE A

MOTHER.

AND WISE OUT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

>> THE WIRED.

>> Tosh: WATCH A SHOW THAT

DOESN'T RELIE ON CHEAP RACIAL

STEREOTYPES FOR CONTENT.

HERE'S GOOD ADVICE, PARENTS IF

YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOWS WITH

YOUR KIDS YOU'RE TERRIBLE

PARENTS AND YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE

IN FOSTER CARE.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE VIEWER

VINE OF THE WEEK.

>> NO!

NO!

>> Tosh: OF COURSE THAT BANANA'S

UPSET

YOU CAN'T PICK HIS BUDDIES.

THEY'RE GROWING ON AN ELM TREE

AND THAT'S A MIRACLE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

WEB SHOWS.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR'S FUEL

GAUGE HAS AN ARROW TO TELL YOU

WHICH SIDE YOUR GAS CAP IS ON?

IT DOES.

NEXT WEEK MY FAVORITE SASSY 7th

GRADER IS HERE LOANTHONY.

>> CALLING ALL THE BASIC

BITCHES.

THERE'S A NEW ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

BASIC MEANS?

GUESS WHAT, YOUR BASIC.

SINCE I'M ALWAYS WON TO

CHALLENGE MYSELF I'LL USE A NEW

APP CALLED SPEECH JAMMER.

IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO TALK.

OKAY.

SO I NEED TO YOU FOLLOW ME ON

TWITTER AT DANIEL TOSH DOT COM.

GO WITH A LIVE CHAT STARTING

DURING THE SHOW.

PLEASE KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT

TOSH DOT COM CENTRAL YOU CAN GO

TO THE STORE AND BUY STUFF.

I THINK ALSO I HAVE MY WEBSITE

WILL HAVE STANDUP DATES I'M

GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE.

I LIKE PHOENIX AS WELL.

IF YOU WANT TO COME WATCH ME

THERE MAKE SURE AFTER -- AFTER

THIS SHOW AIRS YOU WILL SEE A

BRAND NEW SHOW OF BRICKLEBERRY.

I LOVE BRICKLEBERRY.

OKAY.

I'M PRETTY SURE I NAILED THAT.

ALL RIGHT, ENJOY SLEEPING IN

TOMORROW.

THAT SHOULD BE THE TRADITION ON

11 BECAUSE IF ANYTHING WE

LEARNED THERE'S WORSE THINGS

THAT MISSING A FLIGHT.

WAS THAT OVER THE LINE?

OKAY, I'D LIKE TO USE MY

CHALLENGE.

OKAY, IT APPEARS YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS OVER THE LINE BY A MILE.

MY APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN

YOU GET OLDER?

DOESN'T MATTER.

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE WHEN YOU GET

OLDER IS THE FASTEST WAY TO HATE

IT.

ALWAYS WEAR A BELT.