Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THE INTERNET.

I'VE MISSED YOU.

WELCOME BACK TO "TOSH.0."

SUMMER VACATION IS OVER AND A

WISH I COULD HAVE KEPT YOU

WAITING LONGER.

I'M NOT RELAXED OR RESTED AT

ALL.

PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION TO WHAT

I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE

THIS IS THE SEASON OF SUBTLE

DIFFERENCES.

[CHEERING]

>> Tosh: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

EACH WEEK SMALL BUT SIGNIFICANT

CHANGES WILL BE MADE TO THIS

EXACT LOOK AND IF YOU SPOT THE

DIFFERENCE THAT WILL BE VERY FUN

FOR YOU.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, I MAKE THIS

KID'S FURRY FANTASIES COME

THROUGH AND MEET THE LORD OF THE

PRANCE AND GARGLE WITH RICH,

CREAMY WHITE LIQUID IN MY MOUTH

AND NOW CHECK IN WITH KAT

DENNING AS SHE PREPARES FOR LIFE

AFTER TWO BROKE GIRLS.

ACT MATURE.

THIS IS ART.

THOSE BOOBS ALL RIGHT GOT

GRABBED BY GRAVITY.

THAT'S MY SIZE OF AN AREOLA.

YOU KNOW RESTAURANT IMPOSSIBLE'S

GOING HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS

PLACE.

HAVE YOU BEEN SLAPPING MY STEAK

WITH YOUR TITTY, MA'AM?

THE HEALTH RATING MUST BE AT

LEAST A D.

THE ONLY POSITIVE THING THAT

CAME FROM THIS OBJECTIFYING

PIECE OF TRASH IS THAT IT

INSPIRED KNOW CREATE SOME REAL

PERFORMANCE ART.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: MINE IS IN NO WAY

OFFENSIVE BECAUSE I'M USING A

VEGGIE PATTY.

MEAT IS MURDER.

OKAY.

HERE'S WHY YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR

HANDS AT 10 AND 2.

IT WAS EITHER THIS OR TURN THE

STEERING WHEEL.

NOW POP IT IN REVERSE AND YOU

CAN FIX THAT RIGHT UP.

HEY, BUD, YOU'RE NOT IN A BOAT.

YEP.

JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND

LIGHTLY PUSH THAT TREE OUT OF

THE WAY.

IT'S BEEN GROWING IN THE GROUND

FOR OVER 100 YEARS.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S READY TO GET A

BONER?

>> THE ONE ON THE LEFT.

NO, THE ONE ON THE RIGHT.

THIS IS SO HARD.

WHY ARE THEY OUT OF BREATH?

YOU'D BE GASSED TOO IF YOU SPENT

ALL DAY MAKING PEOPLE HORNY.

REMEMBER, THIS CAN'T BE GAY

BECAUSE THEY'RE BROTHERS.

SWEET BUILT-IN, BROSEFS.

SORRY.

IT JUST REMINDS ME OF WHEN I

USED TO FLEX WITH MY KID

BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT, I HAD A CONJOINED

TWIN BROTHER BUT WE PARTED WAYS

BACK IN 2006 WHEN HE DECIDED HE

WANTED TO PURSUE IS A CAREER IN

CLEAN COMEDY.

STARTING TO THINK THE PARENTS

THAT KEEP THEIR KIDS ON LEASHES

IN PUBLIC ARE THE SMART ONES.

MAKE HER THE NEW BATMAN.

>> HEY.

>> Tosh: HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOUR MOM'S A [BLEEP].

LUCKY THAT KID'S STEPDAD IS NO

LONGER IN THE PICTURE.

THIS IS THE DOS EQUIS CUTTER.

YOU GET PAID TO RUN AROUND WITH

THE OTHER INTERESTING MEN OF THE

WORLD.

PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR 30

LIKES ON FACEBOOK.

AN ASIAN BEING HUNG AND

ELECTROCUTED AND NOT JERKING

OFF?

THAT'S THE FIRST FOR THIS SHOW.

STAY UNATHLETIC MY FRIEND.

WHAT'S NEXT?

NOBODY PUTS THE FUN IN FUNERAL

LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

NOW, LET'S WATCH THE LORD WORK

IN FABULOUS WAYS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: I'VE SAID IT 100 TIMES.

THE MOST RESPECTFUL WAY TO HONOR

THE DECEASED IS WITH A DANCE

EULOGY.

THEY'RE EVEN RHYTHMIC WHEN THEY

MOURN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THEY"?

WHY'S IT ALWAYS SO HOT IN THESE

CHURCHES.

HOW ABOUT A CLAP FOR AC?

AMEN.

I'LL CARTWHEEL THROUGH THE

SHADOW OF THE VALLEY OF DEATH.

THANK GOD THERE'S NO CASKET.

HE'D USE IT LIKE A PUMMEL HORSE.

TIME TO PUT THE NAIL IN THE

COFFIN.

CAN I GET AN OH [BLEEP].

IS IT TOO LATE TO CUT HIM OUT OF

THE WILL?

HE NEVER GOT TO KICK HER IN THE

FIS WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE.

IS THIS A TRIBUTE OR REENACTMENT

OF HER ACCIDENT?

FORGET ABOUT THE PICTURE,

NOBODY'S GOING TO REMEMBER HER

AFTER THIS MAGNIFICENT

PERFORMANCE UNLIKE HER LIFE THE

SHOW MUST GO ON.

ASHY TO ASHY, KLUTZ TO KLUTZ AND

FOR NA WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO HELP THIS

UNDERAGE FURRY GET HIS FREAK ON

BUT FIRST OPEN WIDE.

HERE'S YOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> I'M NOT GOING TO SIT BY ANY

MORE AND LISTEN TO THIS STUFF

ABOUT FURRIES SAYING THEY HAVE

SEX IN FUR SUITS AND ALL THIS

BOGUS CRAP.

HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET THE

PEOPLE THAT EVEN PUT THIS CRAP

OUT HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED TO A

FURRY.

THEY DON'T KNOW REALLY WHAT A

FURRY IS AND OH, ONE THING THAT

REALLY TORQUES ME OFF, SAYING

HELL FOR A FURRY.

WHAT'S THE HECK?

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL THE

HATERS.

I'M A FURRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BRING ON THE HATE

COMMENTS.

WHITE FUR, ARCTIC FOX FUR.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT GOING COVER

MUCH.

THAT'S CODY AND HE'S INTO

FICTIONAL ANTHROPOMORPHIC ROLE

PLAY.

HE CALLED HIMSELF A FURRY.

WHAT TORQUES HIM OFF ARE THE

HATERS AND TROLLS.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE SEX, YOU

JERKS DON'T GET THERE'S A PURITY

AND INNOCENCE.

FURRIES ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE

ANIMALS AND FIND A LOOPHOLE IN

THIS COUNTRY'S OVERBARING

BESTIALITY LAWS.

IT'S A SAD DAY WHEN A FARMER

CAN'T POUR HIMSELF A DRINK.

LOOK AT THOSE COME-HITHER EYES.

LISTEN, I WANT TO BANG A THUNDER

CAT AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT

I'M NOT FLYING TO PITTSBURGH

DRESSED LIKE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

TO DO IT AND GOOD LUCK FINDING A

DRY CLEANER THAT KNOWS HOW TO

GET ANAL JUICE OUT MUCH A

NARWHAL OUTFIT.

BY NIGHT HE WANTS TO BE KUSA THE

ARCTIC FOX.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A BROKEN PERSON'S

DREAM BUT I'M A BROKEN PERSON

TOO AND WE BROUGHT HIM TO L.A.

WHERE WE CALL BROKEN PEOPLE

ARMENIANS.

>> DANIEL.

>> HEY, CODY.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME IN THE

ARCTICBURY GO KILL A BUNCH OF

ARCTIC FOXES I WANT TO ASK YOU

SOME QUESTIONS.

HOPEFULLY THE STORM WILL DIE

DOWN.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A BREAK IN THE

STORM.

THAT WAS CONVENIENT.

HOW LONG AGO WAS THE VIDEO?

>> ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO.

>> Tosh: WHAT YOU LOOK BACK WHAT

DO YOU THINK?

>> OH, MY GOD, I WAS A STUPID

KID.

>> I'M TIRED OF THIS CRAP BE

SPEWED.

>> Tosh: YOU WERE UPSET BECAUSE

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME -- I'M

ONE OF THEM, THAT IT'S JUST GOOD

THE SEX.

>> WHO ISN'T A WEIRDO BUT IT

ISN'T ALL SEX.

I'VE MET A LOT OF GREAT PEOPLE

THAT HAVE BECOME A FEW OF MY

BEST FRIENDS.

>>

>> ONLINE THOUGH?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DID YOU HAVE PETS?

>> ONE CAT.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO

IT?

>> YES, I WANT TO -- NO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE MASCOT?

>> IT'S A LYNX.

>>

>> ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO IT?

>> NO.

ONE THING THAT TORQUES ME OFF IS

SAYING HELL AND HECK.

WHAT THE HECK.

>> Tosh: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> IT'S THE SEXUAL TERM.

>> Tosh: TO MAKE LOVE?

>> PRETTY MUCH.

ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW --

>> Tosh: TYRA BANKS IS A FURRY?

>> NO, IT WAS AN EPISODE OF THE

WEIRDEST SEX IS FETISH.

>> Tosh: I THINK THE WEIRDEST

FETISH WORK INTO TYRA BANKS.

THAT'S QUITE A FOREHEAD.

>> THERE'S A 1,000 WAYS TO DIE

ON SPIKE TV --

>> Tosh: WHY ARE YOU WATCHING SO

MUCH SPIKE TV?

ASK ME TO NAME ONE SHOW.

>> ALL RIGHT --

>> Tosh: CAN'T.

YOU WATCH A LOT OF AWFUL

TELEVISION.

>> I WATCH YOUR SHOW.

>> Tosh: CASE IN POINT.

WHO WAS THE OLD GUY SITTING

BEHIND YOU IN THE VIDEO?

>> THAT WAS ACTUALLY MY

GRANDFATHER.

>> Tosh: THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART

OF THE VIDEO IS WHEN YOU GOT UP

TO SHOW YOUR FUR YOU SEE GRANDPA

BACK THERE PETTING A CAT.

I THOUGHT THIS GUY CAME FROM A

LINE OF FURRIES.

WHAT IS FURSONNA.

>> THE PERSONA.

YOU PUT FURRY IN FRONT OF WORDS?

>> YOU DID IT.

>> Tosh: IS USING THE WORD FUR A

FUR PASS PAU X.

>> I THINK MOST FURRIES ARE

PHILANTHROPISTS.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU FALLEN ASLEEP

IN A COSTUME?

>> I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A COSTUME.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT A FURRY.

OKAY, THAT'S ME A VIRGIN AND YOU

A VIRGIN?

>> DON'T YOU MEAN FURGIN.

>> Tosh: TONS OF CELEBRITIES ARE

FURRIES.

TOBY McWIRE HAS ONE OF THE BEST

PARTIES AND I'M ON THE LIST TWO

THURSDAYS FROM NOW.

>> THAT'S COOL BUT IT'S NOT

GOING TO BE A WEIRD KINKY SEX

PARTY IS IT?

>> Tosh: NO, NETWORKING AND

FURRY FELLOWSHIP.

YOU'RE GOING HAVE A BLAST.

LOOKS LIKE THE STORM'S PICKING

BACK UP.

[***]

>> Tosh: CODY?

YOUR FUR SUIT IS AWESOME.

HOW'S IT FEEL?

>> I LIKE IT.

.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

>> Tosh: NAKED ROBIN WILLIAMS.

THE ORIGINAL FURRY AND ONE MORE

THING THE CELEBRITIES ARE SUPER

SECRETIVE SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR

A MASK TO CONCEAL YOUR TRUE

IDENTITY.

COME ON.

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

>> WE'RE HERE TO [BLEEP] A BUNCH

OF DUDES IN COSTUMES.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Tosh: TURNS OUT I WAS WRONG.

THERE'S A LOT OF SEX AT THIS

PARTY.

AMAZING PARTY, TOBY, THANKS FOR

HAVING US OVER.

IS THAT RUSSEL CROWE?

THERE'S SANDY BULLOCK.

GET YOUR FACE OUT OF PENELOPE

CRUZ'S LAP AND COME SAY HIGH TO

MY FRIEND.

JON STEWART AND STEVE COLBERT.

THAT'S FOREST WHIT KER.

THAT'S AN HONOR TO BE WITH YOU

AND AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN.

I JUST SAW ALONG CAME POLLY.

WONDERFUL FILM.

>> ANOTHER ARCTIC FOX?

I THINK I FOUND MY SOUL MATE.

>> Tosh: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING

FOR?

GET GET IT ON.

>> HI.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: BOB BARKER?

>> HELP CONTROL THE POPULATION.

HAVE YOUR PET SPAYED OR

NEUTERED.

>> LATER BOB BARKER PISSED ON A

DINETTE SET.

NOW HERE'S SOME HUMOR.

>> LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME IN MY MILLION DOLLAR

[BLEEP].

LOOK.

HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING

REALLY FUNNY?

LOOK.

HEY, MY LICENSE IS STILL IN THE

[BLEEP] PERMIT BECAUSE I'M 16,

[BLEEP].

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> JOHN ATTANASIO, [BLEEP].

>> WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

>> WHAT'S MY ADDRESS YOU LITTLE

[BLEEP]?

>> HELLO.

I'M HERE TODAY TO SHOW YOU THE

DIFFERENT SIZES AND MY ANKLE

WEIGHTS ARE IN PLACE AND THE

MUSIC'S READY SO LET'S STOP

TALKING AND DO SOME WALKING.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I WON'T PLAY

GOLF ON A PUBLIC COURSE.

THAT SWEET OLD LADY WITH A CAMEL

TOE IS JOANNA AND SHE'S BEHIND

THE ONLY HORSE-INSPIRED WORKOUT,

PRANCERCISE LLC.

>> WELL, HOWDY PRANCERCISING

PRINCESS.

I NEED TO GET IN SHAPE.

>> WELL, PRANCERCISE IS THE

ANSWER.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT.

>> Tosh: I ONLY HAVE THREE DAYS

SO I THINK I'LL NEED LARGER

WEIGHTS.

IS THAT LOVE FOR HORSES?

>> WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?

STRENGTH, ENDURANCE AND

VEGETARIAN.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE BEST MUSIC

TO PRANCERCISE TO?

>> I LOVE MOTOWN.

GO SID TO SIDE LET'S GO.

>> Tosh: I'M READY TO PICK UP

THE PACE.

>> THE NEXT IS THE TROT.

>> Tosh: DON'T SNEAK UP ON

SOMEONE PRANCERCISING.

>> THE TROT IS SIMILAR TO THE

WALK.

>> Tosh: EVERYONE SHOULD BE

PRANCERCISING.

GUYS, YOU DON'T PRANCERCISE

YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIRE.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU.

MY BODY FEELS INCREDIBLE

PRANCERCISE LADY.

>> REMEMBER, DANIEL, KEEP ON

PRANCING.

KEEP PRANCING.

KEEP ON PRANCING.

>> Tosh: THAT'S ALSO HOW

BREAKING BAD IS GOING TO END.

MOVING ON I THINK WE CAN ALL

AGREE THE WORSE PART OF THIS

SHOW ARE YOUR VIEWER VIDEOS.

THEY'RE TOO LONG SO TO REBOOT

THE FRANCHISE I INVENTED VINE.

IT LIMITS YOUR VIDEOS TO A

BARABLE SIX SECONDS.

HERE'S THE VIEWER VINE OF THE

WEEK.

>> I'M HERE WITH ME AND MY MOM.

>> Tosh: ACTUALLY WOULDN'T MIND

WATCHING THAT AGAIN.

>> I'M HERE TODAY WITH MY MOM.

HI, MOM.

>> Tosh: I'M GLAD I INVENTED

VINE.

GOOD INVENTION, DANIEL.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE USO

COMEDY TOUR.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK, FOOTBALL.

THANKS AGAIN FOR NOTHING,

BASEBALL.

NOW, WHO WANTS TO SEE NEXT

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION?

SHOW IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEW YORKERS, THIS

ISN'T APPROPRIATE BUT IT IS

TODAY.

ANYBODY WITH A PAIR JOIN ME,

USA, USA, USA, ANYBODY GIVE

[BLEEP]?

USA, USA.

ALL RIGHT.

>> Tosh: WHERE'S THE TRAIN

GOING?

ISLAMABAD?

THIS COUNTRY NEEDS TO GET ITS

PRIDE BACK.

RECORD YOURSELF CHANTING USA AND

I'LL PUT YOU ON NEXT WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION SEND IT TO ME ON

TWITTER USING #USATOSH.

AND WE'LL LIVE CHAT DURING THE

SHOW AND KEEP ON WITH OUR BLOG

AND SEE ME DO STANDUP IN

SEATTLE, PHOENIX AND OTHER

LAWLE

LAWLESS INDIAN RESERVATIONS AND

THE NEXT EPISODE OF BRICKLEBERRY

IS NEXT.

WHY IS 2013 BETTER THAN 2012?

THANKS TO LAX LAWS IN KOREA

THERE'S MORE DETAILS AND FINALLY

MILL

BEING LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

DID YOU KNOW THE MILK YOU'VE

BEEN DRINKING IS DISGUSTING AND

IMPURE?

THE FOLKS AT WHITE POWER MILK

DOT COM THINK SO.

GO BEYOND PASTURIZATION TO

RACIAL PURIFICATION.

THEY HAVE WOMEN THAT SEND YOU

THE MILK.

I DID DIGGING.

TURNS OUT THE COMPANY'S OUT OF

BIGGING OR MAYBE FAKE BUT I'M

NOT CRYING OVER IT INSTEAD I

PICKED UP THE TORCH AND STARTED

PURIFYING MILK MYSELF.

>> Tosh: THANKS A LOT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.

I'VE DUMBED YOU DOWN FOR FIVE

STRAIGHT SEASONS AND THAT'S WHY

STARTING CONTINUED WE'LL END

EVERY EPISODE WITH A BRAIN

TEASER.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE IS A DVR YOU

HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE.

FIRST PERSON TO SOLVE IT GET A

RETWEET.

THAT'S RIGHT, A RETWEET.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ COUGHING ]

>>I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY

CHOKING.