Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: UM.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

STEP IN BETTY WHITE'S VAGINA.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" IT'S OUR

LAST EPISODE BEFORE VACATION AND

I PRELAXED INTO MY ROBE.

THEY SAID DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU

WANT NOT THE JOB YOU HAVE AND I

WANT TO BE A DUDE THAT DOESN'T

HAVE A JOB.

TONIGHT, I GIVE YOU THE GREATEST

SHOW ON NERF, I GROOM MY AFRICAN

COUNTERPART TO HOST A "TOSH.0"

SPINOFF AND I PUT MY LIFE IN THE

WORSE HANDS POSSIBLE, YOURS.

NOW, I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'M NO

PODIATRIST BUT THAT FOOT NEEDS

TO BE SAWED OFF.

MAYBE SHE JUST STEPPED IN

CORNFLAKES.

BEFORE YOU WHITTLE IT ALL AWAY,

WHITTLE SOME OVER MY ARUGULA

SALAD.

HEY, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR

PEDICURE AT A SHIPYARD TO REMOVE

THOSE BARNACLES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT LETTING YOUR

BABY SLEEP ON ITS STOMACH IS THE

LEADING CAUSE OF SIDS?

>>I THINK WE SHOULD GO AND WAKE

HIM UP.

>> THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

>> SOMEBODY GOT VERY VERY WET

OVERNIGHT.

LET'S GO.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE YEAH,

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO NEED A

DIAPER CHANGE.

>> Tosh: KEVI SPACIEY AND HIS

ASSIST AND THE

>> AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP.

IMAGINE NEEDING THIS MUCH SET UP

AND BACKSTORY TO GET AROUSED.

I DO WANT TO ISSUE A VERBAL

CEASE AND DESIST TO THOSE FREAKS

FOR TRYING TO RIP OFF MY NEW WEB

SERIES.

>> EXCUSE ME, I'M BETWEEN YOU

TWO.

GOT A LITTLE ONE COMING TOO.

WHEW.

HEY, GUYS, KIDS FLY FREE.

OKAY.

I'M AN AWFUL FLYER.

HE'S NOT IN PLANE MODE.

HEY, THIS GUY'S PHONE'S NOT IN

PLANE MODE.

OH, MAN, I GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

>> COME ON.

I CAN'T POP MY EARS.

I CAN'T POP MY EARS.

>> THERE DO YOU.

>> HOW LONG'S THE LINE FOR THE

BATHROOM?

TOO LATE.

I'M [BLEEP]ING.

[BLEEP]ING.

THAT'S ONE BIG ASS BABY.

>> I WAS CRANKY BECAUSE TSA ONLY

LETS YOU TAKE THREE OUNCES OF

FORMULA THROUGH SECURITY AND

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR BIG ASS

BABY.

OKAY, NO WIFE HAS EVER SAID WAIT

UNTIL YOU SEE MY HUSBAND DANCE,

HE'S AMAZING.

[***]

>> Tosh: I SEE CHRIS KATTAN IS

KEEPING BUSY.

OKAY, THAT WAS NICE BUT I ASKED

FOR MORE WATER.

THIS IS GREAT BUT HE STILL

HASN'T TAKEN OUR ORDER YET.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T GET TO SEE THE

MORNING ROUTINE THAT GOES INTO

MAKING SURE BLACK DON'T CRACK.

[***]

>> Tosh: GOOD LUCK USING A

DOORKNOB THE NEXT COUPLE OF

HOURS, SLICK.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BE ASHY AGAIN

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

TOO BAD MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOT

AROUND TO SEE THIS.

HEY, I'M PRETTY SURE WE ALL GOT

PUT ON A LIST FOR WATCHING THAT

BUT IT DID INSPIRE KNOW CREATE

MY LATEST BACK ALLEY ENTERPRISE.

>> FATHER.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Tosh: REMEMBER, FATHER,

NOTHING SEXUAL HERE.

IT'S JUST A WAY TO GET YOUR

FRUSTRATION OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT.

WE GOT RAIDED THAT NIGHT BUT

DON'T WORRY, THE FOUR OF THEM

WILL BE PREACHING NEXT WEEK.

UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO DROWN

THE BOY.

BO PEEP IS GOING TO LOSE HER

[BLEEP] WHEN SHE WATCHES THE

NEXT VIDEO.

THE SHEEP GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO

JUMP THE FENCE.

THAT'S EXPLAINS MY SLEEPLESS

NIGHTS.

I'M SURE THEY'RE GOING TO BANG

IT.

YEA!

NO!

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO GET YOUR

SHEPHERD'S LICENSE REVOKED.

HE'S OKAY?

GOOD.

YOU CAN REPAY HIM BY SHEDDING

OUT A NICE SWEATER.

THE SHEEP FELL DOWN A MOUNTAIN

AND WALKED IT OFF.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, D. ROSE?

WHAT'S NEXT?

WU TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHING

[BLEEP] WITH.

SCREW YOU IRON MAN 3 THE REAL

ACTION HERO OF THE SUMMER IS

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

A GOOD OLD FASHION NINJA COP

STANDOFF, 50 AGAINST ONE.

THEY BETTER CALL FOR BACKUP.

HE PUTS DOWN HIS NUNCHUCKS

BECAUSE HE'S ABOUT TO PAINT HIS

MASTERPIECE.

TO BE A NINJA YOU CAN STUDY FOR

YEARS IN THE LEAGUE OF SHADOWS

OR HAVE SOME CRACK.

THE ONLY BLACK BELT HE HAS IS

THE ONE HE TIED HIS ARM OFF

WITH.

WONDER WHY THE WAR ON DRUGS ARE

TAKING SO LONG?

PEOPLE ON THEM PUT UP ONE HELL

OF A FIGHT.

BEING A LITTLE ROUGH, FELLAS.

COPS SHOULD KNOW BY NOW NOT TO

DO THIS KINDS OF THING TO BLACK

PEOPLE WHEN THERE'S A CAMERAS.

THEY'RE TRYING TO REBOOT THE

RODNEY KING FRANCHISE?

ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON

HERE BUT I GUARANTEE WHATEVER

CNN REPORTED WAS COMPLETELY

WRONG.

UH-OH, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC

MEANS?

THE NINJA HAS MORE FIGHT IN HIM.

I LIKE HIS INTANGIBLES, POWER,

ELUSIVENESS, CRIMINAL PAST.

THE RAVENS ALREADY OFFERED HIM A

$40 MILLION CONTRACT.

HOW CONVENIENT THE FOOTAGE IS

MISSING.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO WAY

HE'S IN THE BACK OF THAT

AMBULANCE WHEN THEY GET TO THE

HOSPITAL AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

YOU KNOW I CAN'T LEAVE YOU FOR

AN ENTIRE SUMMER WITHOUT GETTING

IN ONE MORE PORCH TIME WITH

MEMA.

>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW MY

FAVORITE SHOW.

I'VE SEEN EVERY RERUN OVER AND

OVER AND KNOW EVERY LINE LIKE I

KNOW EVERY LINE IN GONE WITH THE

WIND.

I LIKE THE NANNY, I LIKE

FRAZIER, I LOVE FRAZIER, I LOVE

WILL AND GRACE.

I LOVE WILL AND GRACE.

AND THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE TV

PROGRAMS.

>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE

MOST AWESOME DUNK BY MICHAEL

JORDAN.

JUST WATCH AND SEE.

[***]

>> THAT'S JUST BEEN MY SLAM

DUNK.

LITTLE THING, YEAH.

I HOPE YOU LIKED IT.

>> Tosh: SHOCKING THE RED HEAD

KID IS GOOD AT INDOOR SPORTS.

THAT'S RYAN AND HE'S THE

ORIGINAL FLYING TOMATO.

23 YEARS AGO HE LIVED LIFE ABOVE

THE PLASTIC RIM AND HAS HIS

HOMEMADE HIGHLIGHT REEL PROVES

HE'S THE GREATEST DUNKER OF ALL

TIME AND MICHAEL JORDAN IS A

DEGENERATE GAMBLER WITH KIDS ALL

OVER AMERICA.

I'D RATHER BE LIKE RYAN.

IF YOU CAN'T DUNK YOU'RE

MEANINGLESS.

YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY SNEAKERS

WITH A SILHOUETTE OF LARRY BIRD.

POSTERIZING IS IS THE MOST

EMBARRASSING THING YOU CAN DO TO

ANOTHER MAN BUT WE NEED A NEW

TERM YOU DON'T HAVE POSTERS ANY

MORE.

ANIMATED GIFT AND THE REASON I

STILL RESPECT MY DAD IS BECAUSE

I NEVER SAW HIM GET DUNKED ON.

HE'D LAY YOU OUT.

ADJUSTABLE RIMS WERE INVENTED SO

WHITE GUYS CAN GO TO BLACK GUYS

FANTASY CAMPS.

DUNKING IS NOT JUST ABOUT RACE

BUT GENDER.

WHEN A WOMAN DUNKS IT'S ON

JEZEBEL FOR A MONTH.

TRY IT WITH A REAL BALL AND I'M

SURE HEELS IS CHEATING TOO.

YOU SEE SOME GUY ON THE JAZZ GET

A PERFECT SCORE BECAUSE IT'S

2013 AND EVERYTHING WE DO IS

HASHTAG AMAZING.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TO EDUCATE

A NEW GENERATION ABOUT HIS

NERFNESS, THE BOY WHO STARTED IT

ALL AND SIMPLY WALKED WAY IN A

TOTALLY ORIGINAL DOCUMENTARY

SERIES CALLED 30 FOR 30 POINT-0.

BY THE AGE OF 12, RYAN WAS THE

GREATEST NERF HOOP DUNKER THE

WORLD HAD EVER SEEN.

BY 13, HE WAS GONE.

AFTER ALMOST 25 YEARS I WANTED

TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGEND THAT

WOULD END YOU HAVE SHAKING EVERY

DOORFRAME IN AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER]

[***]

>> Tosh: HOW LONG IT'S BEEN

SINCE THE VIDEO WAS MADE?

>> 23 YEARS NOW.

WINTERS ARE LONG IN MICHIGAN AND

YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL AND I WAS

TRYING TO GET CREATIVE AND I DID

ONE BEHIND THE BACK DUNKS AND

THEN THROW THE BALL BETWEEN MY

LEGS AND BOUNCE OFF THE RIM AND

I'D DUNK IT.

>> Tosh: THEY SAY YOU CAN'T

MEASURE GREATNESS BUT I THINK

YOU CAN AND HE WAS 5'5".

>> HE WAS THE GREATEST NERF

DUNKER IN HISTORY AND ONLY

MAKING $10 A WEEK IN ALLOWANCE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE YOU WHEN

YOU MADE THE VIDEO?

>> 12 OR 13.

>> Tosh: HOW TALL ARE YOU?

>> 5'3".

>> I SHATTERED BACKBOARDS BUT

WHAT HE DID WAS OUT OF THIS

WORLD.

>> I TRIED TO STEAL EVERY MOVE

HE HAD.

>> HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE

1989 DUNK CONTEST BUT HE HAD A

SOCIAL STUDIES TEST.

>> JORDAN PUT OUT VIDEOS AND I

WANTED TO MAKE MY OWN.

>> Tosh: AN UNDERGROUND STREET

TAPE.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR

HAIR.

WHAT YOU THINK WOULD HOLD YOU

BACK MORE, BEING WHITE OR

RED-HEADED?

>> PROBABLY RED-HEADED.

>> JORDAN SHAVE HIS HEAD BECAUSE

HE WAS GROWING BALD BUT HE

COULDN'T GROW A BIG CURLY RED

AFRO.

>> THERE'S NOT A KID WHO DIDN'T

TUCK HIS SHIRT INTO HIS SWEAT

PANTS TO IMITATE RYAN.

>> AND RUSSEL WESTBROOK FLATOUT

STOLE RYAN'S LOOK WEARING THE

BIG ASS SALLY JESSE RAFAEL

GLASSES.

>> Tosh: WAS IT THE HAPPIEST

TIME OF YOUR LIFE?

>> IT WAS GOOD.

>> THE REASON IT'S CALLED

DOMINICK THE HIGHLIGHT FILM

BECAUSE WHAT HE WAS WAS NOT

HUMAN.

>> TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.

>> THERE WERE RUMORS OF RIM

LOWERING AND MOUNTAIN DEW

ADDICTION BUT THAT'S SILLY.

>> Tosh: WHY DID YOU QUIT NERF

BASKETBALL.

>> I HAD A RARE DISEASE.

IT'S NAMED AFTER THE DOCTOR WHO

DEVELOPED IT.

>> IT IS VERY SERIOUS.

>> I AGREE.

>> HE DIDN'T TOUCH A NERF BALL

IN YEARS AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON

THE '92 DREAM TEAM.

>> THINK THEY WANTED TO CAST A

JUMP SHOOTER?

NO, HE WANTED RYAN AND THE NERF

BASKETBALL JESUS.

HE WAS GROUNDED THAT WEEK AND

COULDN'T DO THE MOVIE SO IT WON

OSCARS.

>> Tosh: WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE

12-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF YOURSELF?

>> NOT MUCH.

I DID IT RIGHT AND HAD FUN.

>> Tosh: WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE

WHITE DUNKER?

>> ONLY ONE I REMEMBER IS CHUCK

NEMIT.

>> Tosh: HE DID HALF OF BLAKE

GRIFFIN.

WE HAVE TO CLAIM IT.

>> WE ALL WANTED TO CARRY THE

NERF BALL LIKE RYAN.

HE WAS SO GOOD.

HE HAD ALL THE GIRLS.

>> HIS FIFTH-GRADE GIRL WAS ON

THE BASKETBALL WIVES.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?

>> WORK FOR A PLASTICS COMPANY.

>> Tosh: MARRIED?

>> YES.

I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE THIRD

GRADE.

>> Tosh: DID SHE FALL IN LOVE

YOU WITH BECAUSE OF THE

BASKETBALL VIDEOS?

>> SHE KNEW THAT BASEMENT PRETTY

WELL.

>> Tosh: DID YOU MAKE OTHER

VIDEOS DOWN THERE?

>> THERE'S TWO THINGS I KEEP IN

MY POCKET, MY WALLET AND

AUTOGRAPHED NERF BASKETBALL BY

RYAN.

I HOPE IT'S HIM.

IT'S HARD TO WRITE IN FOAM.

>> Tosh: DID YOU RAISE THE BAR

TOO HIGH FOR WHITE KIDS IN THEIR

BASEMENT?

>> I KEPT IT LOW.

>> Tosh: 6'6" ISN'T LOW.

THANKS A LOT.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE AND

BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

>> RYAN WAS A COOL DUDE THAT DID

NOT COMPLAIN WHEN IT RAINED.

>> HE WAS THE ULTIMATE TREND

SETTER.

>> BEFORE HE CAME ALONG IT WAS

JUST FREE THROWS.

>> IT'S A FOUR-DOLLAR PIECE OF

[BLEEP].

IT SURVIVED BECAUSE OF RYAN.

>> Tosh: RYAN, I CAN'T HELP BUT

NOTICE YOU HAVE A GOAL SET UP.

DO YOU HAVE ONE IN THE TANK?

I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.

>> SURE.

ONE, TWO, THREE --

>> Tosh: I THOUGHT I'D SEEN IT

ALL.

EVERYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT HIM IS

TRUE.

THE LEGEND OF RYAN WILL NEVER

DIE.

[***]

>> GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MY

HOUSE.

[APPLAUSE]

.

>> HE'S STILL THE BEST.

>> Tosh: I'D LIKE TO THANK THE

NBA FOR THEIR HELP WITH THAT

PIECE AND FIXING AT LEAST TEN

PLAYOFF GAMES THIS YEAR.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED IN THERE,

HONEY, CAN YOU GRAB ME A COLD

ONE?

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU GOT ALL THESE COBRAS.

>> HE HAS THE BIGGEST BALLS

EVER.

NOT LIKE HUMAN BALLS.

NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL EVER

MAKE ME DO THIS JOKE.

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: BLACK PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY

TO STEAL MY STUFF.

SHAQ'S GOT A SHOW ABOUT INTERNET

VIDEOS, CONAN O'BRIEN'S ONE

BLACK FRIEND IS HOSTING ONE THIS

SUMMER AND NOW THIS GUY?

I SAY LET'S MAKE HIM THE HOST OF

THE OFFICIAL "TOSH.0" SPINOFF

AND BEFORE I HANDOVER THE KEYS

TO THE KINGDOM I NEED TO PUT HIM

THROUGH HIS PACES.

FOR SOME REASON PUKING HAS

BECOME A BIG PART OF THIS SHOW

AND A THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO

GET HIS RAW, RAZOR-SHARP

COMMENTARY ON THE BEST PUKE

VIDEO WE'VE FOUND IN DAYS.

>> DANIEL, THIS IS FOR YOUR

SPINOFF SHOW.

LET'S GO.

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] [BLEEP].

[BLEEP].

I THINK I'M GOING THROW UP.

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

>> Tosh: HE DIDN'T MAKE A SINGLE

JOKE DURING THE VIDEO.

MAYBE HIS HOSTING SKILLS ARE

BETTER SUITED OR MTV.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> Tosh: SASHA, WHY YOU PLAYING

FOOTBALL ON A BASKETBALL COURT?

THAT'S GROSS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

UGLY AMERICANS.

>> Tosh: WELL, WELCOME BACK.

I WAS EXPOSING TO THE AUDIENCE

MY CASHMERE BOXERS.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE FINALLY

GOT HIM, THE STAR WARS KID.

NOT ONLY THAT MY GOOD FRIEND AND

MENTOR GEORGE LUCAS WILL BE

HOSTING THE ENTIRE WEB

REDEMPTION.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND KEEP UP

ON OUR BLOG AND SEE ME ON THE

JUNE GLOOM TOUR WITH JARROD

CARMICHAEL.

>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.

>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.

>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.

>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN

TRYING TO TELL YOU.

WE ARE ALL JARROD CARMICHAEL.

UNFORTUNATELY, LIKE A LOT OF

YOU, JARROD GOT SICK AND TIRED

OF THAT SHOW EVERY WEEK AND

CANCELLED.

HE'LL BE REPLACED BY AN ACOUSTIC

GUITARIST.

I MAY WANT TO BRING THE CHARLES

RAMSEY FELLOW FROM CLEVELAND.

HE SEEMS LIKE A HOOT AND I'VE

ADDED NEW DATES IN SEATTLE IN

SEPTEMBER AND DENVER AND FINALLY

SOME OF YOU KNOW THERE'S A

COUNTDOWN CLOCK BY GROUNDHOG DAY

REFERENCING THE LIFE OF A ROAD

COMIC IS REPETITIVE AND THERE'S

SPECULATION TO WHAT HAPPENS IN

14 DAYS.

EVEN THE SCHOLARS AT WIKIPEDIA

GOT IT WRONG AND A MOCKED EVERY

IN SHOWHBIZ THAT SETS GOALS.

LIKE WHEN A PRE-FAMOUS JIM

CARREY WROTE HIMSELF A $10

MILLION CHECK AND PROMISED

HIMSELF TO CHECK IT ONE DAY AND

I GAVE MYSELF TEN YEARS TO

REALLY MAKE IT AS A COMEDIAN OR

I'LL PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.

NOW IT WOULD BE ARROGANT FOR

KNOW DECIDE IF I'VE MADE JUST DO

ME A FAVOR, GO TO OUR BLOG AND

VOTE WHETHER I'M FAMOUS ENOUGH

OR KILL MYSELF.

POLLS STAY OPEN UNTIL THE CLOCK

EXPIRES.

AT THAT POINT I'LL BE LEGALLY

BOUND TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER YOU

DECIDE SO PLEASE VOTE

RESPONSIBLY.

ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE HAD A GOOD RUN BUT I THINK

IT'S TIME FOR US TO TAKE A

BREAK.

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY DUNKS HAVE

HAPPENED IN A GAME IN THE WNBA.

>> PROBABLY FOUR OR FIVE

HUNDRED.

>> Tosh: THEY'VE HAD SIX DUNKS

AND THREE OF THEM WERE IN AN