Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

>> IT'S COMING DOWN THE HILL.

LOOK AT THEM SONS OF BITCHES.

>> THEY'RE GOING DIE.

>> TONY'S ON THE WALKING LANE.

>> HE'S GONNA DIE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: AH, THE IRAQ WAR VETS

ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOME.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IT'S NOT 80s I'M JUST A STAND UP

COMIC IN A BLAZER.

AND THEY'RE BOTH CASHMERE LATER

INTRODUCE YOU TO THE MOST INSANE

PERSON AND MULL OVER YOUR PROM

INVITATION AND SPOIL THE SUMMER

BLOCKBUSTER AND NOW LET'S SEE

THAT GUY GET PUNISHED FOR MOCK

HANDICAPPED PEOPLE AGAIN.

I ALWAYS SAID IF YOU DON'T NEED

TO BE IN ONE WHEELCHAIRS ARE

PRETTY FUN.

THEY SAID HE'D NEVER WALK AGAIN

BUT THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT ONE AND A HALF WITH A

TWIST.

NEXT, SOME WOMEN ARE JUST MEANT

TO BE MOTHERS.

[ ARGUING ]

>> Tosh: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND

STARE OUT THE WINDOW LIKE

MISERABLE BUS PASSENGERS ARE

SUPPOSED TO.

NICE TOSS.

SHE'D BE GOOD IN THE NEW CHIP

KELLEY SPREAD OPTION OFFENSE.

NEVER THROW YOUR BABY WHEN YOU

CAN USE IT AS A HUMAN SHIELD.

BETTER OFF IF THE STRANGER KEEPS

THE KID ANYWAY.

THAT REMINDS ME I NEED MY

ASSISTANT TO SEND MY MOM

SOMETHING FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

UNDER AHUNDRED DOLLARS, PLEASE.

INDIA DISNEY SUCKS BUT IT DOES

HAVE A TINY CARBON FOOTPRINT.

I FORGOT THE REST OF THE PLAN ET

IS STILL MANUALLY OPERATED.

THAT RIDE HAS GONE NINE STRAIGHT

DAYS WITHOUT A DEATH AND THE

DEATH MIGHT HAVE BEEN FROM

STARVATION.

A SEASON PASS ONLY COSTS SEVEN

CHICKENS IF YOU BRING IN A

TWO-LITER BOTTLE OF PEPSI.

JUST LIKE THE WORLD, MEN MAKE IT

GO ROUND WHILE WOMEN EAT AND

COMPLAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

STILL LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF THE

TUSCALOOSA COUNTY FAIR.

THEY JUST HAVE THREE HORSES

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO [BLEEP].

ANYTHING CAN BE MADE INTO AN

AMUSEMENT PARK WITH A LITTLE

INGENUITY.

EVEN YOUR OFFICE CAN BE MADE

INTO A THRILL RIDE.

>> VIOLENTLY SIT HIM IN A

CIRCLE.

SIT DOWN.

DON'T CATCH UP TO THE PERSON IN

FRONT OF YOU.

WE ALSO MADE A TOWER OF TERROR

WHERE I CRAM THE EXECUTIVES FROM

COMEDY CENTRAL FROM A BOX AND A

SHOVE THEM OFF THE ROOF.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON GUYS.

HOW MANY FIRE VIDEOS DO I HAVE

TO SHOW YOU BEFORE YOU REALIZE

IT'S DANGEROUS.

I PRAY THOSE ARE THE TWO [BLEEP]

THAT BROUGHT THEIR GUITARS.

ONE OF THEM HAS A MARSHMALLOW IN

HIS POCKET THE OTHER HAS

CHOCOLATE.

QUICK, SMOTHER THEM IN GRAM

CRACKERS.

IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN

DATING A CAT PERSON?

I GET IT.

FROST THE FLAKES ARE GREAT.

NOW QUIT HOGGING THE COVERS.

HE HOLLERED.

TECHNICALLY HAVE YOU TO LET HIM

GO.

ARE THE DOGS PETS OR BREAKFAST?

BIG DEAL.

I SLEPT NEXT TO SOMETHING THAT

WAS WAY MORE RISKY.

I HAD TO BLUR THAT CELEBRITY'S

FACE BECAUSE THE DAY AFTER WE

SHOT THAT SHE DECIDED SHE

DOESN'T WANT TO BE MOCKED IN MY

TWO-SECOND BIT.

I CAN'T SAY IS WHO IT WAS BUT

LEGALLY YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GUESS,

WAS IT COURTNEY LOVE OR THE

QUEEN OF ENGLAND?

WHAT'S NEXT?

IF YOU'RE DOUGHY AND YOU KNOW IT

CLAP YOUR HANDS.

NOW, LET'S WATCH WHAT I'M SURE

WILL BE A REMARKABLE ATHLETIC

ACHIEVEMENT IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

LOOK AT THAT CAPACITY CROWD.

THEY MUST HAVE DOUBLE BOOKED IT

WITH AN AA MEETING.

THIS IS DEPRESSING.

THERE'S NO WAY.

I'M NOT SURE WHY HE'S DRESSED

LIKE KRISTI YAMAGUCHI.

DAYMAN, AH.

WEARING THAT ONESIE TAKES HUGE

BALLS BUT I CAN KIND OF MAKE HIS

OUT AND THEY SEEM NORMAL TO ME.

SOMEONE TELL HIM IT'S NOT OKAY

TO START YOUR OWN SLOW CAP.

IT'S LIKE BAKING YOUR OWN

BIRTHDAY CAKE.

DON'T FORGET TO WISH FOR FRIENDS

WHEN YOU BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES

LOSER.

WITH SO MUCH BUILD UP IMAGINE

HOW EMBARRASSING IT WILL BE IF

HE DOESN'T DELIVER.

THAT LAST CLAP WAS AS A TENDON

POPPING.

TURNS OUT HIS ACHILLES HEEL WAS

HIS ACHILLES HEEL.

UNLESS WAS GOING TO LIMBO THAT'S

WHAT HAPPENS.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE

ON ZAPPOS TO LOOK FOR A POWER

RANGERS OUTFIT AND THAT WAS HIS

PERSONAL BEST AND NO ONE WILL

EVER SEE IT AND FOR THIS WE

THANK YOU.

I'LL BE READY TO MINGLE WITH

THIS CANADIAN CROONER WEN WE GET

BACK.

FIRST, AWFUL NEWS, RUSSIA HAS

DEVELOPED A VERY DANGEROUS NOT

ROCKET LAUNCHER.

[***]

* YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE *

* I'M READY TO ROLL *

* UP AND DOWN YOUR BODY, BABY *

* ALL THE WAY HOME *

>> Tosh: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

TURNS YOUR CHAIR, USHER.

THAT'S UNSETTLING SINGER

SONGWRITERER'S TONY AND HIS

PIECE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE

YOU'RE IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE HE

LOADED VIDEOS AND IF WASN'T FOR

WILMER VALDERAMA HE'D BE THE

CREEPIEST PERSON ON THE

INTERNET.IN THE OLD DAYS HE'D BE

CAST OUT FROM SOCIETY WITH THE

IMPLIED AGREEMENT THEY'D COMMIT

SUICIDE.

IT'S HARD TO SPOT A CREEP NOW

BECAUSE SO MANY ARE HIPSTERS.

THEY TAKE SECRET TRIPS TO

THAILAND OR JUST HAVE A MUSTACHE

AND WEAR IRONIC OUTFITS FROM

URBAN OUTFITTERS.

I'M ALL FOR PUTTING PEOPLE ON

CREEPY LISTS BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN A REFEREE OR

KEPT A TOOTH PICK IN YOUR MOUTH.

DUDES FROM THE 1950'S THAT GOT

CAUGHT THUMBING THROUGH GRAINY

PICTURES OF BABIES GOT MURDERED

ON THE SPOT.

WHO CARES IF A GUY HAS AN ALTER

EGO AND LIKES TO TUCK HIS WEENIE

DANCE AROUND.

I LIKE "TOSH.0" FOR LETTING

ANYONE WHO WANT TO LET THEIR

FREAK FLAG FLY AND I INVITED HIM

TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THE WEEK'S

CE-WEB-RITY.

WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH IDEAS

FOR VIDEOS.

>> WHEN I TAKE SHOWERS I THANK

TUNE AND I GET INSPIRED WHEN I'M

SINGING IN THE SHOWER.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY VIDEOS HAVE

YOU MADE?

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF THESE.

SOMEBODY BRING ME AN iPAD SO I

CAN WATCH THESE.

>> Tosh: TONY, I HAVE SEEN THE

CREEPIEST [BLEEP] ON THE

INTERNET AND LET ME TELL YOU

THAT IS UP THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> FEBRUARY 17th I'LL BE 64.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU DO TO STAY

IN SHAPE?

>> MOSTLY MASTURBATE.

>> Tosh: JUST MASTURBATE?

I KNOW MY BODY WON'T LOOK THAT

GOOD WHEN I'M 64.5.

>> AND I FINISHED DOING

PUSH-UPS.

I STILL WANT A GIRL FIGURE.

WE ARE BOTH.

>> Tosh: PHYSICALLY?

>> MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

LOOK AT THESE LEGS.

>> Tosh: THEY'RE GOOD LEGS.

>> YOU WERE BORN WITHOUT HAIR?

>> Tosh: YOU DON'T SHAVE?

>> NO, IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

>> Tosh: DID IT AFFECT YOU

GROWING UP?

>> NO, IT MADE ME HAIRLESS.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL.

>> I'M BI.

WE ALL HAVE THAT'S OPTION.

EVEN YOU.

>> Tosh: THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOOD DID YOU

HAVE?

>> A [BLEEP]ED UP CHILDHOOD.

I'M NOT NORMAL.

>> Tosh: HOW NOT NORMAL.

>> A GUY GETS MARRIED AND BUYS A

HOUSE AND HAVE KIDS AND A DOG.

THAT'S NOT ME.

I HAVE A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M WILD.

THAT'S MY PET.

SAY HELLO.

>> Tosh: DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR

BEAUTIFUL FEMININE LEGS.

>> I TAKE A LOT OF VITAMIN E.

BRUISE GOES AWAY.

I USED TO HAVE A BRUISE.

>> Tosh: HOW'D YOU GET IT?

>> MY BUDDY SUCKS ON IT.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN

MARRIED.

>> THAT'S MY EX.

I PUT HER IN BONDAGE JUST TO

KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU

MARRIED?

>> ENOUGH TO PUMP OUT TWO KIDS.

SHE WAS A GOOD [BLEEP].

SHE HAD SMALL TITS BUT BIG

NIPPLES.

>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE BIG

NIPPLES?

>> MY WIFE'S BREAST MILK IS

SWEET.

IT'S HEALTHY.

LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT.

>> Tosh: YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH.

WHAT ABOUT DRUG USE?

>> I DO RUSH.

WANT SOMETHING TO SNIFF?

>> Tosh: I'D LOVE SOMETHING TO

SNIFF.

>> COME OVER HERE, BOYS.

>> Tosh: YOU WROTE MORE SONGS

THAN THE BEATLES DO YOU KNOW

THAT?

WHICH IS YOUR MOST POPULAR?

>> PRESSURE ZONE.

* I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT IT IN MY

MOUTH *

>> Tosh: DO YOU CONSIDER

YOURSELF A SEX SYMBOL?

>> VERY.

I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.

>> Tosh: WE CAN EXCUSE EVERYONE

FOR A MINUTE.

>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

>> Tosh: LET YOU RELIEF

YOURSELF.

>> DO YOU WANT TO DO IT

TOGETHER?

>> Tosh: NO.

>> YOU WANT TO WATCH?

THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR KICKS.

WATCHING GUYS JERK OFF.

GO GET A KLEENEX.

>> Tosh: GET A BLANKET.

>> YOU GET A KLEENEX.

YOU DO IT AND GO ON WITH YOUR

LIFE.

>> Tosh: IF YOU WERE TO DO A

DUET WHO WOULD YOU DO IT WITH?

>> TONETTA.

>> Tosh: WE ARE PIONEERS IN THE

SPLIT-SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.

>> HASN'T THAT BEEN AROUND 30

YEARS.

>> Tosh: [BLEEP] YOU, TONY.

THERE'S ONE CITY WHERE MONEY'S

NO OBJECT.

>> VEGAS?

>> Tosh: NO, RENO THE BIGGEST

LITTLE CRIME HAVEN IN THE WORLD.

ALL RIGHT, TONY.

I GOT YOU $200 MILLION FOR DOING

THE SHOW TWICE A DAY, SEVEN DAYS

A WEEK FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS.

>> TONETTA QUIT.

WE'RE DONE.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT HAVING THIS

CONVERSATION.

YOU'RE A CRAZY PERSON.

SHOW MUST GO ON.

>> TONY DOESN'T WORK WITH ANY

OTHER SLACK.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE GOING TO WORK

WITH THIS SLUT.

I BETTER NOT CATCH ANY AIDS.

[***]

[***]

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT THE ENDING I

ENVISIONED FOR THAT PIECE BUT

YOU TRY ARGUING WITH TONETTA.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

FLAMINGO FIGH

>> HEY, CHRISTEN STEWART I'M

BEEN A FAN OF YOU'RE MOVIES FOR

A LONG TIME AND MY QUESTION IS

WILL GO TO PROM WITH ME AND IF

YOU DON'T, WHOEVER ELSE THAT

SEES THIS GET THIS VIDEO AS FAR

AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF COURSE I

WANT KRISTEN STEWART TO SEE

THIS.

>> Tosh: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO

BRING KRISTEN STEWART TO THE

PROM.

HE'LL WIND UP DITCHING YOU

HALFWAY THROUGH THE NIGHT TO DO

YOUR PRINCIPAL.

EVERY YEAR I GET THOUSANDS AND

THOUSANDS OF PROM INVITATIONS I

RECEIVE LIKE BACK IN HIGH

SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT AS A COURTESY I'D

RESPOND FACE TO FACE TO A SELECT

FEW REQUEST.

FIRST IS MEYONCE.

SHE WRITES I HAVE A LESBIAN

CRUSH AND YOU WILL GO TO PROM

WITH ME.

I WON'T UNTIL GAYS CAN GET

MARRIED IN 48 STATES.

>> HI, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: I HAVE ONE QUESTION.

IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET YOU

PREGERS AFTER PROM WHAT ARE YOU

GOING TO DO WITH THIS BABY?

>> KEEP IT AND TAKE YOUR MONEY.

>> Tosh: I'M NOT GOING TO PROM

WITH YOU.

OKAY.

IF I GO WITH YOU WHAT ARE WE

DOING AFTER PROM.

ARE YOU RENTING A LAKE HOUSE?

>> I HAVE A HOT TUB.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU SET IT AT?

>> 103.

MORE OF A WARM IT UP.

I'M A 106 MAN MYSELF.

I WILL DEFINITELY NOT GO TO PROM

WITH YOU, I'M SORRY.

>> COME ON.

>> Tosh: NO.

>> HAVE YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR ME

MY BOYFRIEND AND A JUST BROKE

UP.

HAVE YOU TO.

>> Tosh: WHAT IF I GET YOU

PREGNANT.

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE BABY?

>> PROBABLY ABORTION.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE

SO NO.

NEXT IT' TAYLOR.

SHE SAID I'M WAITING FOR DANIEL

TOSH OR JEFF RATNER TO ASK HER.

>> HI.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE IN MY

WHEELHOUSE.

WHAT'S YOUR POLICY ON STATUTORY

STUFF.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Tosh: I'LL DM YOU.

NEXT IS WILL WHO WRITES REMEMBER

ME ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO I TOLD

YOUR WHITE ASS TO BE IN THE BEST

PROM IN AMERICA.

HAVE YOU EVER ASKED A DUDE TO

PROM BEFORE?

>> NO, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.

>> Tosh: VIRGIN.

I'M NOT GOING TO PROM WAY VIRGIN

>> YOU'RE A BITCH.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE A BITCH.

NEXT UP IS CASSIE.

>> HI, DANIEL THANK YOU FOR

HAVING ME.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 17.

I'LL BE 18 JUNE 5.

>> Tosh: I HOPE YOUR PROM IS

JUNE 6.

>> THAT'S NOT.

>> Tosh: THEN NO.

>> THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST

TALKING TO ME AND GETTING MY

HOPES UP SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND STOP LETTING MEN WALK ALL

OVER YOU.

FINALLY WE HAVE HUNTER.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: NO.

>> HI.

>> Tosh: NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE

THAT EXCITED TO SEE ME.

>> AH.

THAT'S NOT NICE.

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO MY SHOW.

I THINK THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED

IS STOP TRYING TO GUILT

CELEBRITIY.

WHAT MAKE YOU THINKS I'D HAVE

INTEREST AND MY HIGH SCHOOL

RERUINON'S COMING UP AND MILA

KUNIS I'D LOVE YOU TO BE MY

DATE.

>> THAT'S COLD OUTSIDE THE

BLANKET.

CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A MINUTE AND

ENJOY THESE LAST BITS OF SLEEP.

>> THAT WILL BE NICE.

I CAN SLEEP A MINUTE OR TWO

LONGER.

>> JUST RELAX AND GET POO OUT OF

YOU.

YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE BATHROOM.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A DEEP

BREATH AND LET IT ALL COME

BLASTING OUT.

>> NO, NO.

JESUS NO.

WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU.

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO

[BLEEP] IN MY BED.

IF I [BLEEP] IN MY BED I'M GOING

TO HAVE TO BUY --

>> IT WON'T BE SO BAD.

IT WILL BE A SMALL POO.

DO IT!

DO IT!

>> Tosh: I AM LUCKY I HAVE A

CALIFORNIA KING.

I CAN POO ON ONE SIDE AND SLEEP

COMFORTABLY ON THE OTHER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF

THE BEN SHOW.

THEY DIDN'T REALLY AIR THAT, DID

THEY?

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU'VE NOTICED I'VE BEEN

LOOKING TRIM LATELY IT'S BECAUSE

I'M ON THE SHRIMP SCAMPI

CLEANSE.

NEXT WEEK WE'RE GOING ON SUMMER

VACATION AND FINALLY GIVING YOU

WHAT I CRAVE A RED HEAD THAT

DUNKS NERF BALLS.

>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE

MOST AWESOME THING.

HI HAIR MAY BE MADE OF NERF.

GO TO EVERY BLOG WHERE EVERY

POST IS WRITTEN BY ME AND ME

ALONE UNDER TWO PSEUDONYMS AND

ENCOURAGE YOUR CHURCH TO BUY

JUNE BLOOM TOURS WITH JARROD

CARMICHAEL THIS IS OFF RANCHO

CORDOVA.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOVIES COMING

OUT IS HANGOVER 3.

IT'S TIME FOR SPOILER ALERT.

FULL DISCLOSURE I'VE NOT SEEN

THIS MOVIE NOR DO I INTENT TO.

MAYBE ON HBO.

I JUST WATCHED "THAT'S MY BOY."

IT'S NOT BAD.

IT WILL BE 30 TO 45 MINUTES TO

LONG AND MISUNDERSTANDING, A

WILD ANIMAL, THEY'LL PRONOUNCE

WORDS WRONG AND BRADLEY COOPER

WILL RUN HIS FINGERS THROUGH HIS

ALMOST TOO THICK HAIR AND AT THE

END THEY'LL SHOW PICTURES THAT

WILL MAKE YOU WISH THAT WAS ON

THE MOVIE INSTEAD.

MY APOLOGIES IF ANY OF MY BITS

WERE ON MAD TV FIVE YEARS AGO.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> Tosh: WE HAVE TO DO THIS

AGAIN AT MY HOUSE.

>> DO YOU HAVE A WATER BED?

>> Tosh: WHO HAS A WATER BED.

>> THEY WERE A FAD YEARS AGO.

>> Tosh: OF COURSE THEY WERE.

I HAVE A WATER BED COUCH.

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE