Original subtitles

[ DISCLAIMER ]

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THE NEW AUNT JEMIMA

PANCAKE ADS ARE A LITTLE

PROVOCATIVE.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

I CHANGED MY NAME FOR RELIGIOUS

REASONS I WAS A MEMBER OF A

NON-DENOMINATION AT CHURCH AND

THE SHOW WILL STAY THE SAME BUT

THE TONE WILL CHANGE AND I SPEND

SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN THIS

WITH KID AND OPEN UP SUSPICIOUS

PACKAGES AND NOW LET'S SEE WHY

KATE UPTON BETTER ENJOY HER

EARLY 20s.

WILL PERK UP WITH UNDER WIRE.

IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT THEY'RE

ALL NATURAL.

ON LONG FLIGHTS THEY MAKE A VERY

COZY NECK PILLOW.

MAKE SURE TO THROW FLOUR DOWN.

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAMMER OUT SOME

BISCUITS.

MAYBE HER NIPPLES ARE JUST

REALLY HEAVY.

OH, I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

THE GREAT THING ABOUT PARKING

LOTS IS THEY ARE COMPLETELY

LAWLESS.

SOMEONE TAKE AWAY THE KEYS FROM

REESE WITHERSPOON'S SECOND TO

LAST HUSBAND.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

>> Tosh: I'M SURE THE LATE-MODEL

RUSSIAN HASHBACK HAD AN AIRBAG.

IT'S HARD TO DRIFT ON FOUR

SPARES.

FAST AND FURIOUS SIX HAS A

LOW-BUDGE INDIE FEEL.

OKAY, TIME TO PAY TRIBUTE TO THE

JACKIE ROBINSON OF THE X-GAMES.

NO WHITE SPORT IS SAFE NOW THAT

TIGER'S ILLEGITIMATE KIDS ARE

HITTING PUBERTY.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

I DID IT!

>> Tosh: LEAVE IT TO THE BLACK

SKATER TO THROW IN A TOUCHDOWN

DANCE.

HE DIDN'T KNOW IT YET BUT HE'S

GOOD AT EVERY SPORT.

I'M PROUD TO SAY I'VE RECENTLY

BROKEN A COLOR BARRIER MYSELF.

YES!

YES!

YES!

YES!

I DID A BLACK GIRL!

I DID A BLACK GIRL!

WHOO!

THANK YOU, BLACK PEOPLE MEET DOT

COM BUT I THINK I AM GOING TO GO

BACK.

WATCH THE NEXT CLIP FAST BECAUSE

THE KID'S ONLY ALLOWED OUT 20

MINUTES A DAY.

>> DRIVEWAYS BY MASON REINHARDT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: MASON, MAYBE YOU SHOULD

WORK ON TAKES CHARGES.

IN FAIRNESS THAT'S CLOSE FOR A

DRUNK IRISH KID.

WOW, THE CHUCK OFF THE GLASS

HASN'T STOPPED DWIGHT HOWARD ALL

SEASON.

NOT SURPRISING BUT KOBE HAS TO

TWEET HIS TWO CENTS THE COUCH.

MISTAKES HAPPEN, KID.

APOLOGIZE AND BUY A FOUR-MILLION

RING MOVE ON.

HASHTAG LAKERS TALK AND LAKERS

SUCK.

HE MIGHT HAVE DELETED THAT

TWEET.

DEPRESSED ANIMALS IN CAPTIVITY

HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ADORABLE.

HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS EVER SINCE

HEIDI KLUM LEFT.

SOMEONE PULLED THE STOPPER IN

HIS GIANT BATHTUB.

HE'S GOING TO BE SO DIZZY WHEN

IT'S TIME TO EAT FISH.

WHOEVER HE STOPS ON HAS TO CLUB

HIM.

THEY DON'T PLAY THE GAME.

VIDEO'S MAKING ME HUNGRY.

I CAN GO FOR A SEAL GYRO OR IS

IT GYRO?

I GO GYRO.

ALL RIGHT.

>> WE'RE OUT OF TZATZIKI.

>> HERE, BUDDY.

>> Tosh: WAY TO CLOSE EARLY.

WE RAN OUT OF TZATZIKI.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Tosh: TWO TEEN-AGED BOYS

EXPERIMENTING WITH THEIR BODIES

IN THE RUMPUS ROOM.

DELIGHTFUL.

NOW THE PASS-GAME IS THE PERFECT

ACTIVITY WHEN YOU'RE TOO YOUNG

TO BUY DRUGS BUT STILL WANT

BRAIN DAMAGE.

BEFORE YOU HYPERVENTILATE INLAND

YOUR BUSY AND HOLD YOUR BREATH

UNTIL YOUR BODY SIMULATES

CARDIAC ARREST LIKE SELF-ROOFIES

WITHOUT WAKE UP WAY SORE B-HOLE.

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME UNLESS

YOUR SUPER BORED.

LOOK THAT THE QUITTER.

SOMETIMES GIVING UP IS THE

SMARTEST THING TO DO.

THAT'S WHAT GOT DAVID CARRADINE

INTO TROUBLE.

PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEMSELVES OUT

AS CHILDREN TEND TO ADD JERKING

OFF AS AN ADULT.

NOW FALLING INTO A COUCH.

LITERALLY EVERYONE SAW THAT

COMING.

THERE GOES EVERYTHING YOU

LEARNED IN THE 8th GRADE.

HAS THE 1993 THRILLER FLATLINER

TAUGHT US NOTHING?

>> YOU'RE BLEEDING.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Tosh: I HAVE A HUNCH HE MAKE

WAKE UP IN THAT BASEMENT IN HIS

MID-40s AND ASK HIM SELF THE

SAME QUESTION.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND BACK

WITH A VAGINA EXPERT BUT FIRST

THIS YOUNGSTER WAS BANNED FROM

PERFORMING AT HIS FIRST-GRADE

TALENT SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS

DEEMED TOO INAPPROPRIATE AND AS

A FELLOW ARTIST I WILL STAND

CENSORSHIP.

HERE'S ERIC.

>> THANK YOU, MR. TOSH.

HERE'S MY TALENT.

[ FLATLATION ]

>> WOMEN, STAND UP AND MANIFEST

YOUR DESTINY IN PUSSY POWER.

A MAN'S LIFE FORCE IS IN HIS

NUTS OR, EXCUSE ME, IN THE BASE

OF HIS TESTICLES.

STOP LETTING MEN TREAT YOU LOOK

A COMMON BITCH.

A COMMON SHE-DOG.

Y'ALL NEED TO WATCH IT AND LIFT

YOUR NUT SACK UP AND GO

UNDERNEATH YOUR CRACK AND AROUND

THE BACK OF Y'ALL NUTS.

SHE STARTED ROCKING AND SAID

SOMETHING HIT HER ALL UPSIDE AND

THAT WILL MAKE YOU SLAP

SOMEBODY.

>> Tosh: BEST BETWEEN TWO FERNS

YET.

THAT'S ALEXIS AND THE HORNIEST

AND WAS DISHING OFF THE DIRTY

ALL IN THE NAME OF PUSSY POWER.

THE V-HOLE IS THE HOLIEST OF

HOLES.

BEHIND KOJI AND THE DORITO IT'S

MY THIRD FAVORITE TACO.

IT'S LIKE SNOWFLAKES.

NO TWO ALIKE AND YOU SHOULD

NEVER EAT ONE YOUR BUDDY PEED

ON.

IT'S LIKE A RIDDLE THAT SMELLS

WEIRD.

THE REASON GOD BURIED IS BEHIND

YOUR LEGS IS BECAUSE IT'S GROSS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S INSIDE YOUR

STENCH TRENCH BUT SCIENTISTS

MAINTAIN IT'S LIKE PROSCIUTTO.

NO AMOUNT OF BURT'S BEES WILL

HELP THOSE LIPS.

THERE'S NATURAL YEAST AND THAT'S

WHY YOU'RE ALL GOOD ADD BAKING.

YOU HAVE A GYNECOLOGIST FOR THE

DOWNSTAIRS MATH AND THE MAN JUST

HAS TO MAKE SURE HIS PENAL IS

ISN'T TIED IN A KNOT AND HE'S

GOOD TO GO BUT IF SHE WANTS TO

TALK ABOUT THE HOO-HA I'M CLEAR

AND I FLEW HER TO HOLLYWOOD FOR

THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

ALEXIS.

I'M DR. DANIEL.

LET'S GET A LOOK AT THIS.

OH, MY LORD, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL

YOUNGY.

>> I KNOW.

IT'S HOT AS A [BLEEP] TOO.

>> Tosh: I HEARD THAT.

WHAT IS PUSSY POWER?

>> PUSSY POWER IS SPIRITUAL,

MENTAL EMOTIONAL DRIVE IN A

WOMAN'S [BLEEP] WHERE SHE KNOWS

SHE CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP

WITHIN HERSELF AND WITH THAT

DICK

>> Tosh: HAS A MAN EVER CHEATED

ON YOU?

>> YEAH, AND I PUT A NOOSE

AROUND HIS NUTS AND I DON'T

THINK HE'LL BE DOING THAT NO

MORE.

>> Tosh: NO.

ARE YOU IN A HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIP NOW?

>> I'M IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

WITH MY OWN [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: I'D LOVE TO WATCH THAT.

HOW'D YOU GET A PUBLIC ACCESS

SHOW.

>> I APPLIED LIKE EVERYBODY

ELSE.

>> Tosh: WERE THERE

RESTRICTIONS.

>> SUPPOSEDLY THERE WASN'T BUT

THEY HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME

PEOPLE SAYING THEY SUCK UP UNTIL

THEY HICCUP.

>> Tosh: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE

SEX?

>> I HAVE SEX IN MY MIND.

>> Tosh: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE

SEX IN YOUR MIND?

>> EVERY DAY I TEACH.

I'M HAVING SEX WHILE I'M TALKING

TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> Tosh: HOW AM I?

>> HOT.

>> Tosh: I'M PUTTING THAT ON MY

RESUME.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS FOR ONE DAY

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

>> I WOULD USE IT ON EVERY WOMAN

I WOULD BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW

WHY GUYS ARE DOGS DOES IT FEEL

THAT HOT AND MOIST AND I WOULD

LOVE TO TIE YOU DOWN AND GIVE

YOU A BIG HARD ONE.

>> I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT.

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE VAGINAS

ARE BEAUTIFUL?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I LOOK AT MINE EVERY DAY.

I OWN ONE.

>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK IT'S THE

STRONGEST MUSCLE IN THE BODY.

>> YEAH, YOU CAN BRING A MAN TO

HIS KNEES WITH THE RIGHT

MUSCLES.

>> Tosh: AND IF NOT YOU WANT TO

USE THE BACKDOOR.

>> YOU WANT THOSE TIGHT TOO

THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY GODDESS

CREAM.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN

UGLY VAGINA.

>> YEAH, WITH THE LIPS ALL

BUSTED OUT, YEAH.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THE

BIRDS AND BEES SPEECH TO

CHILDREN?

>> YEAH, BUT MINE IS A LITTLE

MORE RACY.

I THINK THAT'S WHY THE KIDS LIKE

ME SO MUCH.

>> Tosh: HONEST.

>> HELL, YOU GOT FIVE-YEAR-OLDS

THAT CAN GET THEIR [BLEEP] NOW.

>> Tosh: WHOA, WHAT

FIVE-YEAR-OLD IS GETTING

[BLEEP]?

>> IN PRE-K.

YOU CAN EVEN GET SOME [BLEEP] IN

FIRST AND SECOND GRADE.

>> Tosh: NO, YOU CAN'T.

>> YES, YOU CAN.

>> Tosh: IS THERE ANY SEXPERT

YOU DON'T THINK GIVES GOOD

ADVICE.

>> Tosh: THE OLDER LADY DR.

RUTH?

>> MEN LIKE TO [BLEEP] WOMEN

THAT CAN PUT THE TEETH IN THE

CUP.

>> Tosh: NO ONE LIKES THAT?

>> THEY LIKE GUMMY NUTS.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE WRONG ON THAT

ONE.

WE WANT A BEAUTIFUL --

>> YEAH, UNTIL YOU PULL YOUR

[BLEEP] OUT.

YOU LIKE THEM BITCHS WITH THE

TEETH OUT TO GNAW ON THE [BLEEP]

>> Tosh: I DID NOT CALL WOMEN,

BITCHES FIRST OF ALL ANY UNDER

CIRCUMSTANCE.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: I'M KIDDING.

I CALL THEM BITCHES.

YOU DON'T NEED THE RESTRICTIONS

OF PUBLIC ACCESS.

YOU NEED A FORUM THAT LET'S YOU

BE YOU.

SPEAK TO YOUR AUDIENCE, WHITE

WOMEN AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT?

>> HMM?

>> Tosh: THAT'S SOUNDS ABOUT

RIGHT.

WELCOME TO GOOD BONING AMERICA.

I'M YOUR HOST, DANIEL.

>> AND I'M THE QUEEN OF PUSSY

POWER, ALEXIS.

>> Tosh: LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING

ON IN THE WORLD TODAY.

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT

HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEKEND.

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

>> THE [BLEEP] IS A MUSCLE.

YOU NEED TO WORK IT OUT.

>> Tosh: DID YOU HAVE BIGGER

PLUGS?

IT WON'T STAY IN MY BUTT.

YEARS OF ABUSE.

>> THE NEXT GUEST IS FROM WNBA

WIVES, PLEASE WELCOME LONNIE

WAHL.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WELCOME BACK.

EARLIER WE MET HALLE ON THE

STREET AND HER VAGINA WAS A

MESS, BABY.

>> Tosh: OH, GROSS!

WHOO!

>> SO WE'VE BEEN BACKSTAGE

GIVING HER A COMPLETE VAGINAL

REJUVENATION.

WE'RE TALKING TRIM, HOOD UP,

BEEN POLISH AND WE THREW IN A

LIP STRENGTHENER.

>> Tosh: READY TO SEE HER BRAND

NEW PINK CANOE?

>> WHOO HOO!

>> Tosh: WHAT IS THAT WONDERFUL

SMELL?

>> IT'S BEEN IN ROSE WATER.

YEA!

>> Tosh: HOLD ON, I HAVE GELMAN

IN MY HERE.

CUT THE FEED.

WE'RE CANCELLED.

>> Tosh: THE ONLY VAGINA

EUPHEMISM THEY WOULDN'T LET ME

SAY IS JIZNEY-LAND.

FIRST, TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON

HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALL YOU JEALOUS HOES ON

TWITTER WHO DON'T HAVE THE BALLS

TO TAKE ME IN THEIR TWEETS

[BLEEP] YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE

JUST JEALOUS ALL THREE OF THESE

BITCHES GAVE ME ALL OF THESE AND

YOU'RE STUCK TO YOUR RIGHT HAND

ON YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE I HAVE

HICKEYS AND YOU HAVE STDs.

I'M THE HICKEY COLLECTOR AND

YOU'RE THE AIDS COLLECTING SO

KEEP COLLECTING HOES BECAUSE WE

DON'T [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: YEAH, HATERS, WHO LOOKS

DUMB NOW?

TO THE KIDS NEED ADULT

SUPERVISION AND IT'S A SAD DAY

IN AMERICA WHEN IT HAS TO COME

FROM ME SO HELP ME WELCOME,

JAKE.

HEY, BUDDY.

>> HEY.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 15 TURNING 16.

>> Tosh: SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU

BEEN COLLECTING HICKEYS?

>> THAT WAS MY SECOND TIME AND I

DON'T KNOW WHY THERE WERE SO

MANY.

THEY'RE SO BIG.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE THOSE

BITCHES SUCK ON YOUR NECK AND

WHEN I SAY BITCHES I'M QUOTING

YOU.

THEY SEEM NICE LADIES TO ME.

>> 20 MINUTES HOLDING ME DOWN TO

THE COUCH.

>> Tosh: IT WASN'T VOLUNTARY ARE

YOU GOING CHARGE THEM WITH

SEXUAL ASSAULT.

DON'T BE A SILENT VICTIM.

WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO GET

HICKEYS?

>> IN MY BASEMENT.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE PROUD OF

YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?

HEY, WHAT DID YOUR SINGLE MOM

SAY WHEN SHE SAW THE HICKEYS?

>> SHE'S NOT SINGLE SHE'S

MARRIED.

SHE SLAPPED ME.

>> Tosh: GOOD.

DID SHE MAKE YOU COVER THEM UP?

>> YEAH, BECAUSE I HAD TO GO TO

MY GRANDMAS.

>> Tosh: WHAT DID EVERYONE AT

SCHOOL THINK?

>> I ALMOST GOT KICKED FOR THE

VIDEO.

>> Tosh: FOR HOW LONG?

>> EVER.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE

IF YOU GROW UP?

>> FIRST I WANTED TO BE A MARINE

BIOLOGIST OR PHOTOGRAPHER BUT

I'M NOT SURE.

I STILL HAVE A LOT OF YEARS.

I WANTED TO HATE YOU BUT YOU

SEEM LIKE A KID.

ONE LAST QUESTION YOUR ACCEPT'S

WEIRD.

WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN?

>> I'M IN CANADA.

>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS

EVERYTHING.

YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD MAPLE

SYRUP COMING OUT OF YOUR PORES.

ENJOY THE NHL PLAYOFFS.

I HAVE A SHOW TO DO.

>> BYE.

>> Tosh: BYE.

IN A COUPLE YEARS HE'D BE THE

PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR MY SHOW

VACUUM HICKEYS BY DYSON.

THE FIRST CONTESTANT IS TAYLOR.

YOU NOW THE RULES, TWO ONE FOR

BODY LOCATION AND ONE FOR THE

AMOUNT OF TIME YOU'LL BE GETTING

SUCKED.

MAKE SURE THE WHEEL GOES AROUND

BECAUSE IF IT DOESN'T WE'LL BE

--

>> Tosh: THAT'S RIGHT, WE BANG

YOUR SISTER, CONSENSUALLY.

OH, FIVE MINUTES TO THE MOUTH.

BRUTAL.

HE LATER DIED FROM A BLOOD CLOT.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK NFL DRAFT

CONGRATS ON WORKING TOWARDS YOUR

CAREER.

LATER I MEET MY SHIRTLESS

SOULMATE.

* YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE *

* I'M READY TO ROLL *

>> Tosh: FROM THAT CLIP THERE'S

NO WAY TO PREDICT HOW INSANE

THAT MAN.

WE HAD TO BUY HIM TEETH.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THEY'VE

GRANTED ME FIVE MORE CHARACTERS.

I WON'T USE THEM.

I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE.

HEAD TO YOUR SCHOOL'S COMPUTER

LAB AND MAKE OUR BLOG THE HOME

PAGE FOREVER MACHINE AND SEE ME

DO STANDUP ON THE JUNE GLOOM

TOUR WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.

SOME HOW WE HAVE A PICTURE OF

JERROD'S ENTIRE FAMILY ENJOYING

A REUNION AND SOMEONE

DELIBERATELY AND MALICIOUSLY CUT

HIM OUT OF IT.

FINALLY A WEBSITE TO WRAP MY

HEAD AROUND CALLED SOMETHING

STORE DOT COM.

YOU SEND THEM TEN DOLLARS AND

THEY SEND YOU SOMETHING.

NATURALLY I SENT THEM $200.

THAT'S AROUND TWO-MILLION -- I'M

NOT GOOD AT MATH.

>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS.

LOOK AT THIS

THIS IS A MULTI-TOOL.

>> I GOT A HOOKA.

>> LOOK AT THIS.

>> ANOTHER [BLEEP]?

>> I GOT A KINDLE YOU GUYS.

>> NO YOU DIDN'T?

>> YEAH, I DID.

>> THIS GUY STOLE [BLEEP].

>> Tosh: THAT GUY WILL EITHER BE

A BILLIONAIRE OR IN JAIL BY

TOMORROW MORNING.

FINALLY MY JEWISH VIEWERS WILL

GET TO KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS

REALLY FEELS LIKE.

EXCITEMENT THEN DISAPPOINTMENT

FOLLOWED BY JEALOUSY.

GOOD NIGHT.

STAY TUNED FOR AMY SCHUMER'S

FIRST TELEVISION SHOW AND COMEDY

CENTRAL'S 25th ATTEMPT AT A

>> Tosh: WHAT'S AN AVERAGED SIZE

PENIS?

>> SEVEN INCHES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S AVERAGE.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS.

>> Tosh: EWW.