Original subtitles

>> YOU READY?

>> I'M ROLLING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: HE'LL BE BACK TO FULL

SPEED IN NO TIME.

THAT'S NICE THING ABOUT BEING.

RIGHT, KOBE?

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

WE'RE LIVE TONIGHT SO NO ONE

KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

>> BLEEP YOU.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR

RESPECTING WE'RE LIVE AND

SENSORI

CENSORING YOURSELF.

YOU MEET THE HOTTEST UNEMPLOYED

GIRL AND NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THE

ANNUAL LOADING DOCK BELLY FLOP

CONTEST.

HIS FIRST MISTAKE WAS PUTTING ON

SHORTS.

>> I'M READY.

>> I'M ROLLING.

>> Tosh: THIS GUY'S GUARDIAN

ANGEL GAVE UP A LONG TIME AGO.

NOW JUST LIE THERE AND HOLD THAT

PARKING SPACE FOR THE AMBULANCE.

HIS NEXT VIDEO HAS ONE MOM AND

THREE TEENAGED GIRLS IN AN SUV.

YOU BE OUTSIDE WHEN CHARLOTTE'S

MOM DRIVES CARPOOL OR SHE'S

COMING IN AFTER YOU.

>> Tosh: IT'S A MIRACLE DANICA

PATRICK EVER MAKES IT OUT OF THE

PIT.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DESERVE HANGING

A STUPID THANKSGIVING FLAG.

HOLIDAYS DON'T GET FLAGS.

YOU PROBABLY THINK THAT'S GREAT

CAMERA WORK.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT WASN'T AN

ACCIDENT.

>> FROM THE PRODUCER THAT

BROUGHT PUNKED AND THEN CREATED

A SIMILAR SHOW WHERE THE BIGGEST

PRANK IS TRYING TO CONVINCE

MIDDLE AMERICA THAT'S NOT FAKE

AND SETUP AND THE CELEBRITIES

ARE CELEBRITIES TO COME YET

ANOTHER PRANK SHOW.

>> Tosh: SERIOUSLY?

I CANT CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE

LOOK ON THAT SOCCER'S MOM'S FACE

WHEN SHE SEES DANIEL TOSH WAS

CONTROLLING HER CAR THE WHOLE

TIME.

>> COMING TO CBS.

VERY WILLING TO RECYCLE IDEAS.

>> Tosh: IT DOESN'T EXIST.

PRANKED YOU AGAIN.

THE CAMERA'S RIGHT HERE.

YOU GUYS PUMPED ABOUT THE NEW

CHUTES AND LADDERS MOVIE?

LOOKS WAY BETTER THAN

BATTLESHIP.

YOU FORGOT YOUR HOSE.

WITH THE COMBINE LIKE THAT HE'LL

GO EARLY IN THE FIRST ROUND OF

THE FIREFIGHTERS DRAFT.

WHERE WAS THAT HUSTLE WHEN THE

POLICE WERE KICKING YOUR ASS IN

SOFTBALL.

TOO BAD THE TWIN TOWERS WEREN'T

A THREE-STORY DUPLEX.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE BEST

DEFENSE IS A CONSTANT OFFENSE.

I ASSUME SHE'S JUST GEARING UP

TO MASTURBATE.

ARE THOSE WALLS CITRON?

VERY TROPICAL.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO MIX IT UP TO

THE BODY ONCE IN A WHILE.

HOPEFULLY THE FIRST MATCH IS

AGAINST THE FIGHTING NUN.

YEP, NEVER KEEP YOUR BEER IN THE

FOLLOW BOAT.

>> BEER FOR ALL THE BEER.

OH!

>> Tosh: DAMMIT, DALE.

YOU'RE GOING SCARE AWAY ALL THE

TROUT.

>> OH!

>> Tosh: THAT'S JUST GOD

THROWING HIM BACK.

>> OH!

>> Tosh: DON'T WORRY.

THE BEER WILL FLOAT.

NOW YOU OWN TWO BOATS.

WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU'RE TV ISN'T ON MUTE.

THIS IS WHAT A DEAF HOUSE PARTY

SOUNDS LIKE.

NOW LET'S RESPECT THEM BY

TREATING THEM LIKE EVERYBODY

ELSE AND MAKE FUN OF THEM IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

DEAF HALLOWEEN PARTIES ARE THE

BEST.

YOU CAN'T HEAR TRICK-OR-TREATERS

RING THE DOOR BELL.

THAT'S MORE BIT O HONEY FOR US.

FOR THEM LIFE IS LIKE HAVING

NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

BUILT IN YOU'RE SKULL.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO LAUGH.

THEY CAN'T HEAR US.

BLIND PARTIES ARE THE WORSE.

EVERYBODY'S CONSTANTLY FEELING

YOUR FACE.

NO ONE CAN FIND THE CHIP BOWL.

IT'S STARTED TO GET HEATED.

I TOOK A SEMESTER OF SIGN

LANGUAGE ABROAD SO LET ME TELL

YOU WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

RIGHT NOW HE'S ASKING WHAT'S

WRONG WITH YOU.

OTHER THAN HIS OBVIOUS HEARING

IMPAIRMENT AND THE PARTY'S A

SAUSAGEFEST.

THE GUY IN THE HAT JUST SAID

[BLEEP]

YOU REMEMBER, IF YOU WANT TO

SHUT HIM UP PUNCH HIM IN THE

HANDS.

NOW'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY.

YOU HONEYMOON MY GIRL, MY WIFE

DOESN'T WANT AND ALSO TELLING

HIM TO STEAL SECOND.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE.

ENOUGH CHARADES.

LET'S GET IT ON.

CAREFUL.

THE DEAF BLACK GUY'S STILL A

BLACK GUY.

SOMEBODY TEXT 911.

NOW SHAKE HANDS YOU TWO.

THAT'S THEIR WAY OF KISSING.

I CAN'T OVERSTATE HOW LUCKY THEY

ARE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO

THE NEW BRAD PAISLEY SONG.

WE'LL BE BACK TO REDEEM THE

BROAD THAT WAS FIRED FOR BEING

TOO SEXY.

LOOK AT THIS STUPID KID.

>> IMAGINE BEING FIRED BECAUSE

YOU'RE JUST TOO SEXY.

THAT'S WHAT MELISSA NELSON SAID

TO HER.

AFTER WORK FOR HER DENTIST HE

FIRED HER BECAUSE HE SAID SHE

WAYS THREAT TO HIS MARRIAGE AND

COMMENT ON HER INFREQUENT SEX

LIFE.

THE ALL-MALE IOWA SUPREME COURT

UNANIMOUSLY AGREED WITH THE

DENTIST RULING 7-0 THEY CAN GIVE

WALKING PAPERS IF THEY FEEL

THERE IS AN IRRESISTIBLE

ATTRACTION.

>> I'M DEVASTATED.

>> Tosh: NOT SINCE NOAH WILY IN

ER HAS MADE ANYONE LOOK SO

TEMPTING AND THE IOWA SUPREME

COURT DECLARED HER TOO HOT AND

HER CREEPY OLD BOSS WAS AFRAID

HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS DRILL IN

HIS PANTS.

MEN WOULD RATHER RUINING THEIR

CAREER THAN HAVING SEX WITH

THEIR AWFUL WIFE ONE MORE TIME.

WHEN WOMEN ENTERED THE WORK

FORCE IN THE 80s THEY WEREN'T

ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SEXUAL

HARASSMENT AND CONGRESS REFUSES

TO DEFINE AN ERECTION.

I WAS SELF-EMPLOYED.

MASTURBATING WHILE DRIVING TO

GIG WAS THE ONLY WAY TO STAY

AWAKE.

LADIES, RANDOM BREAST EXAMS ARE

NOT MANDATORY.

STOP BLOCKING IMPORTANT AWORK OR

FORCE WOMEN TO CONCEAL

THEMSELVES UNDER BURKAS.

LADY WHO'S WEAR THOSE

HISTORICALLY HAVE BEEN TREATED

NICE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FALL VICTIM

TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT DRESS LIKE

ELLEN.

SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT HER BOSS'S DIRTY MIND AND

INVITED HER TO GIVE ME AN ORAL

EXAMINE HOLLYWOOD WHERE WOMEN

ARE ANYONE OBJECTFIED.

YOU'VE HAD THE SAME JOB THE PAST

20 YEARS.

I HAVE PART-TIME WORK AT A DOG

SHAMPOOING DAY SPA IF YOU'RE

INTERESTED.

THIS TEMPT AGENCY TURNED INTO A

TEMPTATION AGENCY.

ARE YOU FROM TENNESSEE BECAUSE

YOU'RE THE ONLY TEN I SEE.

THAT DRESS IS BECOMING ON YOU.

I HAD IT MY WAY IT WOULD BE

COMING OFF YOU.

BRENT MUSSBERGER WOULD LOSE HIS

GODDAMN MIND.

>> HELLO.

I'M MELISSA.

>> I'M DANIEL.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> Tosh: MELISSA, BEFORE I SEND

YOU OUT I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW

YOU.

DESCRIBE YOUR PERFECT MAN THAT

LOOKS LIKE ME.

WERE YOU A GOOD HYGIENIST?

>> OF COURSE.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY CAVITIES I

HAVE HAD?

>> EIGHT.

>> Tosh: I'VE HAD AN

OPPORTUNITY.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

>> HE CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE

WITH HIS PASTOR.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

>> HE SAID HE WASN'T ABLE TO

FOCUS ON HIS FAMILY.

>> Tosh: DID THE PASTOR THROW

WATER ON YOU?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DID YOU WALK OUT

SLUTTY?

>> PROBABLY.

>> OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

>> PROBABLY.

>> Tosh: DESCRIBE YOUR

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BOSS FOR

THE FIRST NINE AND A HALF YEARS.

>> HE WAS LIKE MAY DAD.

FATHER FIGURE.

>> Tosh: DID HE SPANK YOU?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DID YOU HANG OUT WITH

HIM SOCIALLY.

>> HIS WIFE TAUGHT ME HOW TO

MAKE PIE.

>> Tosh: WHAT KIND?

>> CHERRY.

>> Tosh: I WOULD LOVE TO TASTE

YOUR CHERRY.

I THINK YOU'RE MORE OF IN AN

ASTON MARTIN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT OUT

EVERY DAY.

THAT'S YOUR SPECIAL OCCASION

VEHICLE.

M

MELISSA I LINED UP A FEW TEMP

JOBS.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: IT'S GOOD DO SEE YOU.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.

>> Tosh: I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC

ROTATION THAT I ADHERE TO.

NOW THE FACT YOU'VE GOTTEN FIRED

FROM THREE JOBS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU GOT YOUR JOB BARTENDING IN A

GAY BAR.

>> THEY WEREN'T ALL YEAR.

>> Tosh: AND I FOUND OUT ALL THE

DUDES WERE LEAVING DEPOSITS ON

THE WAITING ROOM FLOOR IS BAD

BUSINESS.

>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS

IS POSSIBLE BUT YOU GET FIRED

FOR BEING TOO HOT AS A 911

OPERATOR.

THEY SENT OVER A TAPE.

>> 911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY.

>> OH, DAMN, WHAT'S UP, GIRL.

WERE JUST SHOT?

>> KIND OF.

YOU WANT TO COME OVER?

>> Tosh: MELISSA, YOU'RE IN

LUCK.

I'M LEAVING THIS PLACE AND

OPENING UP MY OWN DENTIST

OFFICE.

>> YOU'RE A DENTIST?

>> Tosh: I AM ACCORDING TO

DENTAL ZOOM.COM.

I ONLY MISS LEAD IT ON THE TEST.

I'M GOING COMBINE YOUR DENTAL

EXPERTISE WITH YOUR SLUTTY GOOD

LOOKS.

I'M CALLING IT DEN-TITS.

>> WHY AQUA FRESH AMY?

>> SHE WENT HOME.

SHE HAD TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS.

I HAD TO GET HER IN WITH

MELISSA.

>> WELL, HOW BIG ARE HER TITS?

>> THEY'RE PERFECT.

>> IT'S ALL YOU CAN IN HAIL

NITROGEN.

NOW OPEN UP AND SAY MELISSA.

>> SONGS OVER.

TIME TO PAY.

THANK YOU.

THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN SHORTLY.

>> Tosh: MAT?

>> HI, DOC.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?

>> Tosh: GOLF COURSE.

THIS DOES THE TRICK.

OKAY.

LET'S GET IN THERE.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NO TOUCHING.

OPEN UP.

>> Tosh: IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY

THAT OFFICE DIDN'T HAVE A SINK

IT'S BECAUSE AT DEN-TITS

EVERYONE IS REQUIRED TO SWALLOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

YOU CUT HIM OFF, HE'LL CUT YOU

OFF.

>> Tosh: BLAKE LIVELY'S EARLY

WORK IS VERY EROTIC.

MAYBE SHE WAS RAISED BY CATS.

I'M BUSY.

COULD YOU COME BACK AND LICK

EVERYTHING IN ABOUT AN HOUR?

>> VERY CLEAN.

>> Tosh: HOPEFULLY HER PARENTS

ARE DEAD.

WE ALL USE OUR MARRIOTT REWARDS

POINTS DIFFERENTLY.

I'M A SEASONED TRAVELER AND I

DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY MY

SECRETS BUT THIS IS A GLIMPSE OF

WHAT I DO EVERY TIME I STAY IN A

HOTEL.

GET THE BATTERIES GOOD AND DEEP

IN YOUR TANK AND THEN PUT THEM

IN THE WRONG WAY IN THE REMOTE

CONTROL.

ONE PREGNANT VENOMOUS SPIDER.

ONE FRESH BATCH OF SEMEN.

WE'RE UP TO A BAG OF PISTACHIOS.

SUCK THE SALT OFF THEM AND USE

MY INDUSTRIAL SEALER.

BLOODY DILDO.

AND DON'T FORGET THE SEMEN FOR

YOUR FINAL MASTERPIECE.

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

LEAVE AT LEAST TWO DOLLARS FOR A

TIP.

TO BE FAIR IT WAS A HOTEL THAT

MAKES YOU CHECK OUT AT 11:00

A.M.

NOW, IT'S BEEN TWO WHOLE

EPISODES SINCE I LAST SHOWED A

VIEWER VIDEO SO DON'T PRETEND

YOUR NOT PSYCHED THIS IS THE

FIRST SUBMISSION FROM INSIDE

FREE IRAQ.

>> Tosh: NOT THE FUNNIEST BUT

LAUGHTER'S ONLY BEEN ALLOWED IN

THAT MONTH THREE MONTHS SO DON'T

BE HARD ON THEM.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE 100

GREATEST STANDUPS OF ALL TIMES.

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE

MY CASHMERE CALL OFF THE SEARCH

PARTY.

TONIGHT I'M PAMPERING MY DOGS.

CASHMERE SOCKS WHICH IS A REAL

PAIN IN THE ASS BECAUSE IT

COUNTS AS TWO GARMENTS WHEN YOU

GET THEM DRY-CLEANED.

NEXT WEEK THE BLACK DR. RUTH

TEACHES ME TO BE A GREAT LOVER.

>> THE PENIS IS A POWERFUL ORGAN

LIKE YOU ROCKET YOU SEE AND

THERE'S INFORMATION TO DO WHAT

IT DO.

IT'S SO GOOD AS SHE STARTED ROCK

IT SHE SAID SOMETHING JUST HIT

AND BAM ALL UPSIDE THE HEAD.

>> Tosh: WANT TO MAKE THINGS

SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE WATCH THAT

WITH YOUR PARENTS.

IF YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER,

IGNORE WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

COMMENT ON MY BLOG AND SEE ME DO

STAND-UP ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR

WITH SPECIAL GUEST JARROD

CARMICHAEL.

FINALLY FOUND A PICTURE AND IT'S

A BAD LINK.

SO FAKE-FRUSTRATED WITH THE BIT

AND I JUST ADDED A DATE IN

GREELEY, COLORADO.

FINALLY, FRIDAY IS ARBOR DAY.

YEAH.

THAT MEANS YOU STILL HAVE A

COUPLE MORE DAYS LEFT TO CHOP

THE BIGGEST HICKRY YOU CAN FIND

AND PUT IT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

THAT'S AN IRONIC TRADITION

STARTED BY THE PILGRIMS.

I'M NOT HERE SO SHOVE MY VIEWS

DOWN YOUR THROAT BUT THEY WILL.

>> I OLD GROVES.

TREES!

TELL THEM THAT WE LOVE THEM AND

WE DON'T WANT THEM TO DIE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, TREES.

>> Tosh: SURE.

IT'S EASY TO CRY ABOUT MAJESTIC

TREES BUT SOME OF US HAPPEN TO

CARE ABOUT EVERY LIVING THING ON

GOD'S BEAUTIFUL GREEN EARTH.

I WANT TO MOURN THE LOSS OF MY

GRASS AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO

DIE.

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE THAT

DO CARE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

CLIPPINGS.

I CARE!

JORGE, MAKE SURE YOU SQUARE OFF

MY EDGES.

>> YES, MR. DANIEL.

>> Tosh: MAY ANGELS SING THEE TO

THY REST.

>> DON'T FORGET YOUR GOODY BAG.

>> WOULD LOVE TO GET MY HANDS ON

YOUR GOODY BAG.

WHAT'S IN IT?