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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: SHARP LEFT SHOULD DO
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THE TRICK.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" THERE'S A
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NEW FIRMWARE UPDATE.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSTALL NOW OR
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LATER?
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LATER?
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OKAY, GOOD.
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THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE IS FROM --
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WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
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>> SAN DIEGO.
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>> THAT'S SAN DIEGO.
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I BREAK CHICKEN WITH THIS
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CONNOISSEUR AND I SHOW YOU WHY
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IT'S BETTER TO REGIFT THAN
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RECEIVE IF THIS DOESN'T CONVINCE
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YOU TO BECOME A HERTZ GOLD CLUB
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MEMBER NOTHING WILL.
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DOES SHE CHARGE BY THE SONG OR
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ONE-FIFTH OF A MILE.
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THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE BACK
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OF AN ALTIMA.
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IF YOU'RE BOOBS WERE BIGGER
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YOU'D GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN.
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THAT ONE WAS FOR THE FELLAS.
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THIS HOOD ORNAMENT IS FOR THE
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LADIES.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: OF COURSE YOU WENT
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CRAZY.
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HE'S A BLACK MAN BORN WITH A
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WHITE MAN'S WEINER.
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THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER YOU
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GET YOUR CAR WASHED.
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IT'S JUST NICE TO SEE MARTIN
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LAWRENCE DOING SOMETHING FUNNY
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AGAIN.
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AND THAT'S WHY I RIDE MY BIKE TO
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WORK.
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LATER THEY EIFFEL TOWERED ME.
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THE NEXT BIRD BRAIN'S GOING TO
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HIDE HIS HEAD IN THE SAND FOR A
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LONG TIME AFTER THIS AIRS.
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>> YEAH, HE DID.
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>> Tosh: PRETTY NEAT, OSTRICH
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BUT I'M STILL GOING TO MAKE
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BURGERS OUT OF YOU.
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THEY'RE SO LEAN.
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YOU NO WHAT WOULD BE COOLER?
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YOU COULD FLY YOU STUPID MAN
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BIRD.
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ALL RIGHT.
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NOW PLUCK HIS FEATHER AND DUST
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MY CEILING FAN.
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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE CALMING
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POWER OF A MAGIC FLUTE.
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YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EDITOR YOU
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HAVE ONE CAMERA ANGLE -- BUT
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EVERY WEEK YOU -- I SNAPPED OUT
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OF THAT TRANS IN DUBAI AS THE
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SEXUAL PROPERTY OF A SHEIK.
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IT'S BEEN A BAD COUPLE OF DAYS.
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WHO WANTS TO SEE THE ONLY
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HIGHLIGHT FROM THE FIRST WEEK OF
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BASEBALL?
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OF HIS BALLS WAS A HOME RUN, THE
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OTHER'S STILL IN PLAY.
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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>> Tosh: THOSE BUCK WILD KIDS
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ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.
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LET'S SEE YOU TRY THAT OFF THE
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GREEN MONSTER AT FENWAY.
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I'LL GIVE A [BLEEP] WHEN SIX
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INCHES OF BONE ARE STICKING OUT
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OF A LEG.
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WE'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU
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KEVIN WARE'S SHIN.
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WE HAVE STANDARDS.
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IT'S LIKE THIS CROOK DIDN'T HAVE
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A PLAN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: SO I CAN ASSUME LOUIE
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ANDERSON DID NOT WIN THE GRAND
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PRIZE ON SPLASH?
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YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
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TO OPEN UNTIL YOU GET A
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PREGNANCY TEST.
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LIKE HONEY BOO BOO FOREGET TO
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PAY HER DAD HIS ALLOWANCE THIS
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WEEK.
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LUCKILY HE HAS A COMPLETELY
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UNRECOGNIZABLE BODY TYPE.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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FOR A LITTLE EXTRA YOU CAN BRING
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THEM TO THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM AND
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THEY'LL FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
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NOW, LET'S SEE WHY YOU NEVER
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SLAP A WOMAN UNLESS YOUR A
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BIGGER WOMAN IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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IT'S TUESDAY AFTERNOON IN EAST
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ST. LOUIS' CLASSIEST STRIP CLUB
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YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
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A SLAP-OFF ON THE MAIN STAGE.
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FINALLY A BREAK FROM ALL THOSE
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TITTIES AND ASS.
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IT JUST GETS OLD.
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SHE SLAPPED IS THAT GIRL'S
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HAIRLINE BACK THREE INCHES.
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ACTUALLY IT MAY BE GEORGE
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FOREMAN IN A WIG.
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WALK IT OFF, BIG MAMA.
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I FEEL SECOND WAS BETTER BECAUSE
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YOU'RE ANGRIER.
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WHAT DO YOU TIP FOR THAT?
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QUICK, ALL THE BOUNCERS ARE
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DISTRACTED, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO
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PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE DANCERS.
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AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S WEARING A
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LETTERMAN JACKET.
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THAT'S VARSITY.
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RIGHT INTO THE ORCHESTRA PIT.
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COME ON, FELLAS, IT'S GOT TO BE
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WORTH A BUCK.
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LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN.
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BOOM.
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SHE LOOKS DAZED.
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IT COULD BE THE CLOUD OF GLITTER
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AND COCONUT SCENTED BODY SPRITZ.
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YOU HAVE TO GET UP.
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YOU ONLY HAVE TEN SECONDS BEFORE
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YOUR DQ'D.
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YOU KNOW YOU HIT A NEW LOW WHEN
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STRIPPERS FEEL BAD FOR BUT IF
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YOU'RE GOING TO GET CONCUSSED
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MIGHT AS WELL BE AROUND GIRLS
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THROUGH NURSING SCHOOL.
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I KNOW I'M ON THIN ICE BECAUSE
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OF THE CRANE THING BUT YOU'RE
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RIGHT.
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THE TWO-TIRE IDEA WASN'T MY
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BEST.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> I'M THE WORLD'S PICKIEST
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EATER SO THERE ARE NOT MANY
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FOODS THAT I LIKE.
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ONE FOOD THAT I REALLY LOVED
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WERE BURGER KING CHICKEN FRIES.
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I'D ALWAYS GET THE SAME THING,
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TWO TWELVE-PIECE CHICKEN FRIES
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AND FRY TO GO AT MY LOCAL BURGER
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KING WHICH IS TWO MINUTES FROM
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ME MAYBE ONE MINUTE AND THEY
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WERE DISCONTINUED FOR 2012.
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LIKE MY LIFE DOESN'T SUCK ENOUGH
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I HAVE A JOB I HATE AND NO HOPE
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OF EVER GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IN
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MY LIFE.
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MY ONLY JOY IS MOVIES AND YEAH,
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I HAVE THE MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND
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BEEN IN PAIN FOR A MONTH AND NOW
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YOU TAKE AWAY MY [BLEEP] CHICKEN
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FRIES.
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[BLEEP] YOU.
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I'LL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO DESTROY
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YOU, BURGER KING.
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[BLEEP] YOU, [BLEEP] YOU,
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[BLEEP] YOU.
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>> Tosh: LOOKED LIKE THEY MESSED
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WITH THE WRONG ASPERGER.
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HIS BLOOD PRESSURE WENT THROUGH
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THE ROOF.
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STOPPING FAST FOOD IS LIKE
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MURDERING HITCHHIKER IF YOU
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DON'T DO IT ONCE IT WON'T CATCH
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UP FOR YOU AND FOR ME McDONALD'S
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IS AN EMERGENCY BATHROOM IN OVER
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19 COUNTRIES.
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A HAMBURGER SHOULDN'T COST 99
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CENTS.
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EATING RIGHT IS EXPENSIVE BUT
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WHAT YOU SPENT ON ORGANIC FOOD
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YOU SAVE ON UNDER WOOD.
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FAST FOOD CHAINS ARE TRYING TO
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SEEM HEALTHIER THESE DAYS.
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WENDY'S REPLACED HIS DAUGHTER
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WITH A SKINNIER WENDY WHO
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DOESN'T GROW UP EATING WENDY'S.
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IT'S THE FASTEST GROWING FAST
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FOOD IN THE WORLD AND YOU'RE
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TELLING ME WHEN KENTUCKY FRIED
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CHICKEN CHANGED THEIR NAME TO
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KFC EVERYBODY FORGOT THEIR
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CHICKEN WAS COOKED IN A VAT OF
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OIL?
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LOSING KENTUCKY WAS ICING ON THE
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CAKE.
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POSTING CALORIE COUNTS ON THE
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MENU IS LIKE A GIRL TATTOOING
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THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON HER
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VAGINA.
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EVERYBODY READING THE STATS
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ALREADY COMMITTED TO THE BAD
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DECISION.
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IF HE WANTS TO EAT CHICKEN FRIES
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EVERY DAY, FINE.
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I'M NOT HIS MOM.
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I ELSE HIM TO PROCEED TO THE
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NEXT WINDOW TO L.A. FOR THIS
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WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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HOW'S IT GOING, DAVE?
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>> GOOD.
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>> Tosh: THEY HAVE WAFFLE FRIES
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AND THEY'RE RANCH CONTAINER IS
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PERFECT FOR DIPPING.
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GET IN THERE.
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>> IT'S LIKE EATING A SUEDE
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COUCH.
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>> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF
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CHICK-FIL-A CHICKEN?
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>> NO.
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>> Tosh: WHY?
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>> THAT'S LIKE THEY RIPPED OFF
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THE BEAK AND BREADED IT.
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>> Tosh: SOUND DELICIOUS.
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WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> RHODE ISLAND.
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>> Tosh: HOW DEGREE MAKE THE
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VIDEO?
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>> A YEAR AGO.
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I HAVEN'T GIVEN THEM ANY MONEY.
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>> I WANT TO TALK WITH THE
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ORDER, IT CAME TO $10.01.
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WOULD YOU BRING THE PENNY.
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>> I WOULD HAVE THE EXACT CHANGE
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AVAILABLE FOR IF I GAVE THEM A
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20 OR WHATEVER THE EMPLOYEE
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WOULD WRITE OFF THE CORRECT.
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>> Tosh: SO YOU GOT A ONE CENT
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DISCOUNT.
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>> THE DRAWER PROBABLY CAME UP
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SHORT BUT THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM
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NOT MINE.
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MY MOM MADE ME A BREADED CHICKEN
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CUTLET.
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>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE LEAST
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FAVORITE FOOD YOU'VE HAD?
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>> GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S WEIRD.
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>> THERE'S A CUTE GIRL BEHIND
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THE COUNTER AND THESE PROBABLY
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16 SO THAT'S PROBABLY
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DISGUSTING.
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>> Tosh: THAT WAS A YEAR AGO SO
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SHE'S NEARING LEGALISH.
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>> BUT IN RHODE ISLAND THE
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CONSENT IS 16.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT CREEPY.
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DESCRIBE HER.
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>> A BRUNETTE WITH BLACK
262
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:02,697
GLASSES.
263
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,900
I DON'T REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS
264
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:07,500
BUT I HAVE A GLASSES FETISH.
265
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,200
>> Tosh: LISA LOEB.
266
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,270
>> I LOVE HER.
267
00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:15,067
>> Tosh: TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR
268
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:16,967
OBSESSIVE USE OF THE F-BOMB.
269
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,697
>> WELL, WHEN I MADE THE VIDEO
270
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,430
I'D BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR A MONTH
271
00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:23,903
ON MEDICAL LEAVE FOR KIDNEY
272
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,070
STONES AND DURING --
273
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,497
>> Tosh: DID YOU PASS THOSE?
274
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,600
>> SOME WERE AND I HAD TO BE
275
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,530
LA
276
00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:35,573
LASERED SOME AND I WAS WALKING
277
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:37,767
AROUND WITH A METAL TUBE FOR A
278
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:38,367
MONTH.
279
00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:40,327
>> Tosh: YOU'RE MAKING ME HORNY.
280
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,173
WHAT MAKES THE CHICK ENFRIES SO
281
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:46,627
MUCH BETTER THAN A CHICKEN
282
00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:47,173
TENDER?
283
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,397
>> LARGELY THE BREADING.
284
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,700
I LIKE TWO-THIRDS BREADING TO
285
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:53,170
ONE-THIRD CHICKEN.
286
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:54,767
I LIKE MORE BREADING FOR CHICKEN
287
00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,567
BUT I NEED PROTEIN TO GET UP IN
288
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:57,267
THE MORNING.
289
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,267
>> Tosh: I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT
290
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:00,067
FOR YOU.
291
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,627
I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TRY SOME
292
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,633
OF THESE CHICKEN FRIES.
293
00:12:03,633 --> 00:12:04,233
>> OKAY.
294
00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:13,233
LET'S SEE.
295
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,673
>> BLAND.
296
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:18,567
>> Tosh: YOU CAN GET THEM.
297
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:19,727
THEY'RE AT GROCERY STORES.
298
00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:20,733
BAM.
299
00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:23,403
REDEEMED.
300
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,970
NOW, YOU SAID IN THAT VIDEO AND
301
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:27,727
I ASSUME YOU WERE IN A DARK
302
00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,703
PLACE YOU WOULD NEVER EVER GET A
303
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:30,270
GIRLFRIEND.
304
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:32,067
>> I HAVE NO HOPE OF EVER
305
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:34,367
GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IN MY LIFE.
306
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:36,527
>> Tosh: DO YOU STILL BELIEVE
307
00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:38,233
THAT OR HAS IT CHANGED.
308
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:39,473
>> I MET HER THROUGH YOUTUBE
309
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,867
ABOUT A MONTH AFTER.
310
00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:42,797
>> Tosh: IT WORKED OUT WELL FOR
311
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:43,400
YOU.
312
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,200
>> YEAH.
313
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,470
>> Tosh: I HATE TO TELL YOU BUT
314
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:50,167
BURGER KING DOESN'T CARE ABOUT A
315
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:53,367
FOUL-MOUTHED KID ON YOUTUBE.
316
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:54,897
WE'LL HAVE TO DO IT MY WAY.
317
00:12:54,900 --> 00:13:03,600
FOLLOW ME.
318
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,630
CHICK-FIL
319
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:06,433
CHICK-FIL-A BATHROOM IS ALWAYS
320
00:13:06,433 --> 00:13:06,903
OUT OF ORDER.
321
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:08,970
>> WHY IS THAT?
322
00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:22,567
>> Tosh: THE LARGE AMOUNTS OF
323
00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:23,097
SEMEN.
324
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,630
GUYS, BRING THEM UP.
325
00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:28,503
YOU STILL SMILING?
326
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:31,500
YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM IF MY
327
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,870
COLLEAGUE TAKES A LOOK AT YOUR
328
00:13:33,867 --> 00:13:34,397
JUNK.
329
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,700
I KNOW YOU.
330
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:37,470
I COULD HAVE HAD YOU KILLED.
331
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,097
I DIDN'T.
332
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,370
I HAD YOU LIVE SO WE CAN TALK.
333
00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:41,667
>>I DON'T THINK HE TALKS.
334
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:42,597
>> Tosh: IN THE END THEY ALL
335
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,070
TALK.
336
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:47,627
NOW THAT THERE IS A CHICKEN FRY.
337
00:13:47,633 --> 00:13:50,203
WHAT I WANT FROM YOU IS TO PUT
338
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,670
IT BACK ON THE MENU.
339
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,697
>> I'M PRETTY SURE HE DOESN'T
340
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:57,300
SPEAK.
341
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:59,670
>> Tosh: OH, HE'LL SPEAK.
342
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:01,597
GIVE ME THE BUCKET.
343
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,530
PUT BACK THE CHICKEN FRIES AND
344
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:05,503
I'LL MAKE THIS ALL STOP.
345
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,700
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW BIN
346
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:08,230
LADEN.
347
00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:10,303
>> I DON'T THINK THAT'S
348
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:10,930
RELEVANT.
349
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,333
>> Tosh: HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
350
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,173
WIPE THE STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR
351
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:14,567
FACE.
352
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:18,067
>> YOU KNOW THAT'S A MASK,
353
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:18,667
RIGHT?
354
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:19,167
>> Tosh: WHAT!
355
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:20,667
THE KING IS A QUEEN.
356
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:22,527
>> IT'S BEEN DEAD FOR WEEKS.
357
00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:23,773
>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS THE
358
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,497
STENCH AND TINY PENIS.
359
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,730
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE AND THIS
360
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:30,133
IS YOUR PRIZE.
361
00:14:30,133 --> 00:14:31,503
TO BE CLEAR, THAT WASN'T THE
362
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:32,930
REAL BURGER CAN KING JUST AN
363
00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:36,673
ACTOR WEARING A MASK AND AMERICA
364
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,797
DOES NOT TORTURE PRISONERS.
365
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,070
HIS MAJESTY IS ALIVE AND WELL
366
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,667
AND RELAXING ON AN ISLAND WITH
367
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:44,227
POPE BENEDICT AND OTHER RETIRED
368
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:44,803
MASCOTS.
369
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,930
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
370
00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:49,103
REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN
371
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:52,770
PARENTS COULD BE BLATANTLY
372
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:53,267
RACIST.
373
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,167
>> WHERE ARE YOU?
374
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:55,927
>> I CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL.
375
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:57,433
IT'S AWFUL.
376
00:14:57,433 --> 00:15:00,633
MY HAIR, LILLY SAID I LOOK LIKE
377
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,903
A BLACK BOY.
378
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:05,300
>> YOU LOOK LIKE NO SUCH THING.
379
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:06,200
IT LOOKS CUTE.
380
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,330
IT SUITS YOU.
381
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,773
BESIDES IT'S JUST A PERM.
382
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:10,867
YOUR HAIR WILL GROW AGAIN
383
00:15:10,867 --> 00:15:12,167
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE REALLY
384
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:18,467
BLACK.
385
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:26,967
>> HERE WE GO.
386
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,927
>> Tosh: DID THAT KID SAY FLASH
387
00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:30,473
COTTON?
388
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,167
THERE'S AN EXTREMELY SUBSTANCE
389
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:34,227
I'VE NOT GOTTEN TO PLAY WITH
390
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,103
YET?
391
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,070
UNACCEPTABLE.
392
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,867
GUYS, FLASH COTTON'S HERE.
393
00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,467
>> WHAT IS IT?
394
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,367
>> Tosh: YOU'RE GOING FEEL WHAT
395
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:48,397
IT IS.
396
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,900
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS
397
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,830
DRY FASTER.
398
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,103
YOU GUYS KEEP WORKING WHILE I
399
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:57,100
GET RID OF THIS SO OUR ENEMIES
400
00:15:57,100 --> 00:16:02,900
CAN'T STEAL OUR TECHNOLOGY.
401
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:07,900
>> THANKS, DANIEL.
402
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:12,530
>> Tosh: SCARY, ISN'T IT?
403
00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:15,333
SOMEBODY GRAB MY LUCKY WOODEN
404
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:15,833
DICK.
405
00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:20,973
THE PROBLEM WITH BAKED POTATOS
406
00:16:20,967 --> 00:16:23,667
IS NOBODY HAS 11 MINUTES TO ROO
407
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:27,927
MICROWAVE THEM.
408
00:16:27,933 --> 00:16:29,603
IT'S READY.
409
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,330
GUYS, IT'S OUR CONSTITUTIONAL
410
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:33,173
RIGHT TO BURN THE FLAG AND
411
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,067
THANKS TO FLASH COTTON WE CAN DO
412
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:37,067
IT QUICKER SO IT'S WAY
413
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:41,727
LE
414
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:45,073
LE
415
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:48,067
LESS DISRESPECTFUL.
416
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:56,267
TIME FOR THE WAVE.
417
00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:59,267
[LAUGHTER]
418
00:16:59,267 --> 00:16:59,727
>>
419
00:16:59,733 --> 00:17:00,973
>> WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT COULD
420
00:17:00,967 --> 00:17:04,067
HAPPEN?
421
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:15,727
[ SCREAMING ]
422
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:20,533
>> Tosh: THE STENCH OF BURNT
423
00:17:20,533 --> 00:17:23,073
PUBES WAS MORE INTENSE THAT DAY.
424
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,627
DO NOT DO THE STUFF YOU SAW ME
425
00:17:24,633 --> 00:17:26,833
DO AND DO GO ONLINE WHERE IT'S
426
00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,273
EXTREMELY TO BUY FLASH COTTON AT
427
00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:29,667
A REASONABLE PRICE BECAUSE THAT
428
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:30,467
WOULD BE DANGEROUS.
429
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,127
OKAY, NOW IT'S TIME TO POINT OUT
430
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:36,673
THE SEXIEST ASIAN IN OUR
431
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:46,667
AUDIENCE.
432
00:17:46,667 --> 00:17:56,927
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
433
00:17:56,933 --> 00:17:58,073
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK AND HAPPY
434
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,127
15th BIRTHDAY DO ELLE FANNING.
435
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:02,073
GET CRAZY, GIRL.
436
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:03,167
TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT.
437
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,367
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM
438
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,127
THIS SHIRTLESS SWEET TALKER.
439
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:09,133
>> YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN JUST
440
00:18:09,133 --> 00:18:09,673
ANYTHING.
441
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:12,067
YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN GOLDEN
442
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:14,067
DIAMONDS.
443
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,527
THE MOST PERFECT, MOST BEAUTIFUL
444
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:17,103
GIRL IN ALL THE WORLD AND I LOVE
445
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,900
YOU SO MUCH.
446
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,500
I HOPE YOU ENJOY WATCHING THIS,
447
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,800
BABY GIRL.
448
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,100
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU GOT IN THE
449
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:27,930
CLOSET BACK THERE?
450
00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:31,203
PROBABLY NOT A CASHMERE HENLEY.
451
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,900
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BUT ONLY IF
452
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:38,130
I'VE ONE OF THE PEOPLE TWITTER
453
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,973
RECOMMENDS YOU FOLLOW AND ADD
454
00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:42,297
SOME LAUGHTER TO YOUR SUMMER AND
455
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:46,700
SEE ME DO STANDUP ON THE JUNE
456
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,830
GLOOM TOUR WITH SPECIAL GIFT
457
00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:53,173
JARROD CARMICHAEL.
458
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,327
THAT'S KEVIN WARE'S COMPOUND
459
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:55,903
FRACTURE.
460
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,200
WE AGREED WE WOULDN'T SHOW IT.
461
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,170
IT SEEMS GRATUITOUS.
462
00:19:01,167 --> 00:19:02,197
RIGHT THERE.
463
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:07,430
THAT'S WHY I NEVER HUSTLED.
464
00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:07,933
OKAY.
465
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:08,773
GOOD NEWS, GUYS.
466
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,827
I'M CLEANING OUT MY WALLET.
467
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,773
THAT MEANS YOU'LL GET ALL MY
468
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,067
GIFT CARD HAS IT STILL HAVE
469
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:14,897
MONEY ON THEM.
470
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,100
AS A CELEBRITY I FEEL STUPID
471
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,370
USING THEM BUT I KNOW YOU CHEAP
472
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,467
SKATES WON'T SO ENTER THE CODES
473
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:21,897
FAST.
474
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,700
IT'S FIRST-COME, FIRST-SERVE.
475
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,400
IF THERE'S EVER A REASON TO
476
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,770
WATCH MY SHOW LIVE THIS IS IT.
477
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:32,367
AN ITUNES GIFT CART WITH NINE
478
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:32,897
BUCKS.
479
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:34,200
I CAN'T TELL YOU THE LAST TIME I
480
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:40,630
PAID FOR MUSIC.
481
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:41,403
NINE DOLLARS?
482
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,200
NINE DOLLARS YOU CAN GET HALF AN
483
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,530
ALBUM FOR FREE OR FOR ZERO
484
00:19:45,533 --> 00:19:47,103
DOLLARS YOU CAN GET ALL THE
485
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:50,330
MUSIC IN THE WORLD FOR FREE.
486
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:51,903
NEXT, I HOPE YOU LIKE PIZZA.
487
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:55,670
HERE'S A GIFT CARD FROM DOMINOS
488
00:19:55,667 --> 00:20:00,267
WITH $250.
489
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,627
IF I'D KNOWN I PROBABLY WOULD
490
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,703
HAVE KEPT A LITTLE BIT OF IT.
491
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,130
I HOPE SHOW YOU GET CINNA STIX.
492
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:08,633
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.
493
00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:09,773
CINNA STIX ARE GOOD.
494
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:13,667
TELL THEM TO SPEED THE BELT UP A
495
00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:16,497
BIT AND THEY'LL BE UNDERCOOKED.
496
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,300
THAT'S HOW I LIKE THEM, DOUGHY.
497
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,330
AND THEN TELL THEM YOU WANT A
498
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:21,433
SECOND TUB OF ICING.
499
00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:22,303
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
500
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:26,470
TWO TUBS OF ICING, PLEASE.
501
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:28,667
THE NEXT CARD MY FEMALE FANS ARE
502
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:31,227
GOING TO LOVE FROM ANTHROPOLOGY
503
00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:33,203
WITH 75 BUCKS ON IT.
504
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,800
YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT'S
505
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:35,770
YOUR FAVORITE STORE?
506
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:37,097
COME ON, GIRLS.
507
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:40,530
AND THIS CARD IS FROM DWR SO IF
508
00:20:40,533 --> 00:20:43,803
YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON A CREDENZA
509
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,130
I'M SURE THE 17 BUCKS WILL GO A
510
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:46,903
LONG WAY.
511
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,400
TOUGH LUCK WESTCOAST.
512
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,930
SURE EVERY CENT WILL BE LONG
513
00:20:50,933 --> 00:20:52,403
GONE BEFORE YOU WATCH THE SHOW.
514
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,430
NOW TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND
515
00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:53,833
EACH OTHER.
516
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,203
GOOD NIGHT.
32297
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