Original subtitles

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: SHARP LEFT SHOULD DO

THE TRICK.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" THERE'S A

NEW FIRMWARE UPDATE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSTALL NOW OR

LATER?

LATER?

OKAY, GOOD.

THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE IS FROM --

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> SAN DIEGO.

>> THAT'S SAN DIEGO.

I BREAK CHICKEN WITH THIS

CONNOISSEUR AND I SHOW YOU WHY

IT'S BETTER TO REGIFT THAN

RECEIVE IF THIS DOESN'T CONVINCE

YOU TO BECOME A HERTZ GOLD CLUB

MEMBER NOTHING WILL.

DOES SHE CHARGE BY THE SONG OR

ONE-FIFTH OF A MILE.

THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE BACK

OF AN ALTIMA.

IF YOU'RE BOOBS WERE BIGGER

YOU'D GET TO RIDE SHOTGUN.

THAT ONE WAS FOR THE FELLAS.

THIS HOOD ORNAMENT IS FOR THE

LADIES.

[***]

>> Tosh: OF COURSE YOU WENT

CRAZY.

HE'S A BLACK MAN BORN WITH A

WHITE MAN'S WEINER.

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER YOU

GET YOUR CAR WASHED.

IT'S JUST NICE TO SEE MARTIN

LAWRENCE DOING SOMETHING FUNNY

AGAIN.

AND THAT'S WHY I RIDE MY BIKE TO

WORK.

LATER THEY EIFFEL TOWERED ME.

THE NEXT BIRD BRAIN'S GOING TO

HIDE HIS HEAD IN THE SAND FOR A

LONG TIME AFTER THIS AIRS.

>> YEAH, HE DID.

>> Tosh: PRETTY NEAT, OSTRICH

BUT I'M STILL GOING TO MAKE

BURGERS OUT OF YOU.

THEY'RE SO LEAN.

YOU NO WHAT WOULD BE COOLER?

YOU COULD FLY YOU STUPID MAN

BIRD.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW PLUCK HIS FEATHER AND DUST

MY CEILING FAN.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE CALMING

POWER OF A MAGIC FLUTE.

YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EDITOR YOU

HAVE ONE CAMERA ANGLE -- BUT

EVERY WEEK YOU -- I SNAPPED OUT

OF THAT TRANS IN DUBAI AS THE

SEXUAL PROPERTY OF A SHEIK.

IT'S BEEN A BAD COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHO WANTS TO SEE THE ONLY

HIGHLIGHT FROM THE FIRST WEEK OF

BASEBALL?

OF HIS BALLS WAS A HOME RUN, THE

OTHER'S STILL IN PLAY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: THOSE BUCK WILD KIDS

ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.

LET'S SEE YOU TRY THAT OFF THE

GREEN MONSTER AT FENWAY.

I'LL GIVE A [BLEEP] WHEN SIX

INCHES OF BONE ARE STICKING OUT

OF A LEG.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU

KEVIN WARE'S SHIN.

WE HAVE STANDARDS.

IT'S LIKE THIS CROOK DIDN'T HAVE

A PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: SO I CAN ASSUME LOUIE

ANDERSON DID NOT WIN THE GRAND

PRIZE ON SPLASH?

YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT

TO OPEN UNTIL YOU GET A

PREGNANCY TEST.

LIKE HONEY BOO BOO FOREGET TO

PAY HER DAD HIS ALLOWANCE THIS

WEEK.

LUCKILY HE HAS A COMPLETELY

UNRECOGNIZABLE BODY TYPE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

FOR A LITTLE EXTRA YOU CAN BRING

THEM TO THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM AND

THEY'LL FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

NOW, LET'S SEE WHY YOU NEVER

SLAP A WOMAN UNLESS YOUR A

BIGGER WOMAN IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

IT'S TUESDAY AFTERNOON IN EAST

ST. LOUIS' CLASSIEST STRIP CLUB

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

A SLAP-OFF ON THE MAIN STAGE.

FINALLY A BREAK FROM ALL THOSE

TITTIES AND ASS.

IT JUST GETS OLD.

SHE SLAPPED IS THAT GIRL'S

HAIRLINE BACK THREE INCHES.

ACTUALLY IT MAY BE GEORGE

FOREMAN IN A WIG.

WALK IT OFF, BIG MAMA.

I FEEL SECOND WAS BETTER BECAUSE

YOU'RE ANGRIER.

WHAT DO YOU TIP FOR THAT?

QUICK, ALL THE BOUNCERS ARE

DISTRACTED, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO

PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE DANCERS.

AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S WEARING A

LETTERMAN JACKET.

THAT'S VARSITY.

RIGHT INTO THE ORCHESTRA PIT.

COME ON, FELLAS, IT'S GOT TO BE

WORTH A BUCK.

LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN.

BOOM.

SHE LOOKS DAZED.

IT COULD BE THE CLOUD OF GLITTER

AND COCONUT SCENTED BODY SPRITZ.

YOU HAVE TO GET UP.

YOU ONLY HAVE TEN SECONDS BEFORE

YOUR DQ'D.

YOU KNOW YOU HIT A NEW LOW WHEN

STRIPPERS FEEL BAD FOR BUT IF

YOU'RE GOING TO GET CONCUSSED

MIGHT AS WELL BE AROUND GIRLS

THROUGH NURSING SCHOOL.

I KNOW I'M ON THIN ICE BECAUSE

OF THE CRANE THING BUT YOU'RE

RIGHT.

THE TWO-TIRE IDEA WASN'T MY

BEST.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'M THE WORLD'S PICKIEST

EATER SO THERE ARE NOT MANY

FOODS THAT I LIKE.

ONE FOOD THAT I REALLY LOVED

WERE BURGER KING CHICKEN FRIES.

I'D ALWAYS GET THE SAME THING,

TWO TWELVE-PIECE CHICKEN FRIES

AND FRY TO GO AT MY LOCAL BURGER

KING WHICH IS TWO MINUTES FROM

ME MAYBE ONE MINUTE AND THEY

WERE DISCONTINUED FOR 2012.

LIKE MY LIFE DOESN'T SUCK ENOUGH

I HAVE A JOB I HATE AND NO HOPE

OF EVER GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IN

MY LIFE.

MY ONLY JOY IS MOVIES AND YEAH,

I HAVE THE MEDICAL PROBLEMS AND

BEEN IN PAIN FOR A MONTH AND NOW

YOU TAKE AWAY MY [BLEEP] CHICKEN

FRIES.

[BLEEP] YOU.

I'LL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO DESTROY

YOU, BURGER KING.

[BLEEP] YOU, [BLEEP] YOU,

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> Tosh: LOOKED LIKE THEY MESSED

WITH THE WRONG ASPERGER.

HIS BLOOD PRESSURE WENT THROUGH

THE ROOF.

STOPPING FAST FOOD IS LIKE

MURDERING HITCHHIKER IF YOU

DON'T DO IT ONCE IT WON'T CATCH

UP FOR YOU AND FOR ME McDONALD'S

IS AN EMERGENCY BATHROOM IN OVER

19 COUNTRIES.

A HAMBURGER SHOULDN'T COST 99

CENTS.

EATING RIGHT IS EXPENSIVE BUT

WHAT YOU SPENT ON ORGANIC FOOD

YOU SAVE ON UNDER WOOD.

FAST FOOD CHAINS ARE TRYING TO

SEEM HEALTHIER THESE DAYS.

WENDY'S REPLACED HIS DAUGHTER

WITH A SKINNIER WENDY WHO

DOESN'T GROW UP EATING WENDY'S.

IT'S THE FASTEST GROWING FAST

FOOD IN THE WORLD AND YOU'RE

TELLING ME WHEN KENTUCKY FRIED

CHICKEN CHANGED THEIR NAME TO

KFC EVERYBODY FORGOT THEIR

CHICKEN WAS COOKED IN A VAT OF

OIL?

LOSING KENTUCKY WAS ICING ON THE

CAKE.

POSTING CALORIE COUNTS ON THE

MENU IS LIKE A GIRL TATTOOING

THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON HER

VAGINA.

EVERYBODY READING THE STATS

ALREADY COMMITTED TO THE BAD

DECISION.

IF HE WANTS TO EAT CHICKEN FRIES

EVERY DAY, FINE.

I'M NOT HIS MOM.

I ELSE HIM TO PROCEED TO THE

NEXT WINDOW TO L.A. FOR THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

HOW'S IT GOING, DAVE?

>> GOOD.

>> Tosh: THEY HAVE WAFFLE FRIES

AND THEY'RE RANCH CONTAINER IS

PERFECT FOR DIPPING.

GET IN THERE.

>> IT'S LIKE EATING A SUEDE

COUCH.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT A FAN OF

CHICK-FIL-A CHICKEN?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHY?

>> THAT'S LIKE THEY RIPPED OFF

THE BEAK AND BREADED IT.

>> Tosh: SOUND DELICIOUS.

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> RHODE ISLAND.

>> Tosh: HOW DEGREE MAKE THE

VIDEO?

>> A YEAR AGO.

I HAVEN'T GIVEN THEM ANY MONEY.

>> I WANT TO TALK WITH THE

ORDER, IT CAME TO $10.01.

WOULD YOU BRING THE PENNY.

>> I WOULD HAVE THE EXACT CHANGE

AVAILABLE FOR IF I GAVE THEM A

20 OR WHATEVER THE EMPLOYEE

WOULD WRITE OFF THE CORRECT.

>> Tosh: SO YOU GOT A ONE CENT

DISCOUNT.

>> THE DRAWER PROBABLY CAME UP

SHORT BUT THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM

NOT MINE.

MY MOM MADE ME A BREADED CHICKEN

CUTLET.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE LEAST

FAVORITE FOOD YOU'VE HAD?

>> GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WEIRD.

>> THERE'S A CUTE GIRL BEHIND

THE COUNTER AND THESE PROBABLY

16 SO THAT'S PROBABLY

DISGUSTING.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS A YEAR AGO SO

SHE'S NEARING LEGALISH.

>> BUT IN RHODE ISLAND THE

CONSENT IS 16.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT CREEPY.

DESCRIBE HER.

>> A BRUNETTE WITH BLACK

GLASSES.

I DON'T REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS

BUT I HAVE A GLASSES FETISH.

>> Tosh: LISA LOEB.

>> I LOVE HER.

>> Tosh: TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR

OBSESSIVE USE OF THE F-BOMB.

>> WELL, WHEN I MADE THE VIDEO

I'D BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR A MONTH

ON MEDICAL LEAVE FOR KIDNEY

STONES AND DURING --

>> Tosh: DID YOU PASS THOSE?

>> SOME WERE AND I HAD TO BE

LA

LASERED SOME AND I WAS WALKING

AROUND WITH A METAL TUBE FOR A

MONTH.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE MAKING ME HORNY.

WHAT MAKES THE CHICK ENFRIES SO

MUCH BETTER THAN A CHICKEN

TENDER?

>> LARGELY THE BREADING.

I LIKE TWO-THIRDS BREADING TO

ONE-THIRD CHICKEN.

I LIKE MORE BREADING FOR CHICKEN

BUT I NEED PROTEIN TO GET UP IN

THE MORNING.

>> Tosh: I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT

FOR YOU.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TRY SOME

OF THESE CHICKEN FRIES.

>> OKAY.

LET'S SEE.

>> BLAND.

>> Tosh: YOU CAN GET THEM.

THEY'RE AT GROCERY STORES.

BAM.

REDEEMED.

NOW, YOU SAID IN THAT VIDEO AND

I ASSUME YOU WERE IN A DARK

PLACE YOU WOULD NEVER EVER GET A

GIRLFRIEND.

>> I HAVE NO HOPE OF EVER

GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IN MY LIFE.

>> Tosh: DO YOU STILL BELIEVE

THAT OR HAS IT CHANGED.

>> I MET HER THROUGH YOUTUBE

ABOUT A MONTH AFTER.

>> Tosh: IT WORKED OUT WELL FOR

YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I HATE TO TELL YOU BUT

BURGER KING DOESN'T CARE ABOUT A

FOUL-MOUTHED KID ON YOUTUBE.

WE'LL HAVE TO DO IT MY WAY.

FOLLOW ME.

CHICK-FIL

CHICK-FIL-A BATHROOM IS ALWAYS

OUT OF ORDER.

>> WHY IS THAT?

>> Tosh: THE LARGE AMOUNTS OF

SEMEN.

GUYS, BRING THEM UP.

YOU STILL SMILING?

YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM IF MY

COLLEAGUE TAKES A LOOK AT YOUR

JUNK.

I KNOW YOU.

I COULD HAVE HAD YOU KILLED.

I DIDN'T.

I HAD YOU LIVE SO WE CAN TALK.

>>I DON'T THINK HE TALKS.

>> Tosh: IN THE END THEY ALL

TALK.

NOW THAT THERE IS A CHICKEN FRY.

WHAT I WANT FROM YOU IS TO PUT

IT BACK ON THE MENU.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE HE DOESN'T

SPEAK.

>> Tosh: OH, HE'LL SPEAK.

GIVE ME THE BUCKET.

PUT BACK THE CHICKEN FRIES AND

I'LL MAKE THIS ALL STOP.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW BIN

LADEN.

>> I DON'T THINK THAT'S

RELEVANT.

>> Tosh: HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

WIPE THE STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR

FACE.

>> YOU KNOW THAT'S A MASK,

RIGHT?

>> Tosh: WHAT!

THE KING IS A QUEEN.

>> IT'S BEEN DEAD FOR WEEKS.

>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS THE

STENCH AND TINY PENIS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE AND THIS

IS YOUR PRIZE.

TO BE CLEAR, THAT WASN'T THE

REAL BURGER CAN KING JUST AN

ACTOR WEARING A MASK AND AMERICA

DOES NOT TORTURE PRISONERS.

HIS MAJESTY IS ALIVE AND WELL

AND RELAXING ON AN ISLAND WITH

POPE BENEDICT AND OTHER RETIRED

MASCOTS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST

REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN

PARENTS COULD BE BLATANTLY

RACIST.

>> WHERE ARE YOU?

>> I CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL.

IT'S AWFUL.

MY HAIR, LILLY SAID I LOOK LIKE

A BLACK BOY.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE NO SUCH THING.

IT LOOKS CUTE.

IT SUITS YOU.

BESIDES IT'S JUST A PERM.

YOUR HAIR WILL GROW AGAIN

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE REALLY

BLACK.

>> HERE WE GO.

>> Tosh: DID THAT KID SAY FLASH

COTTON?

THERE'S AN EXTREMELY SUBSTANCE

I'VE NOT GOTTEN TO PLAY WITH

YET?

UNACCEPTABLE.

GUYS, FLASH COTTON'S HERE.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> Tosh: YOU'RE GOING FEEL WHAT

IT IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS

DRY FASTER.

YOU GUYS KEEP WORKING WHILE I

GET RID OF THIS SO OUR ENEMIES

CAN'T STEAL OUR TECHNOLOGY.

>> THANKS, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: SCARY, ISN'T IT?

SOMEBODY GRAB MY LUCKY WOODEN

DICK.

THE PROBLEM WITH BAKED POTATOS

IS NOBODY HAS 11 MINUTES TO ROO

MICROWAVE THEM.

IT'S READY.

GUYS, IT'S OUR CONSTITUTIONAL

RIGHT TO BURN THE FLAG AND

THANKS TO FLASH COTTON WE CAN DO

IT QUICKER SO IT'S WAY

LE

LE

LESS DISRESPECTFUL.

TIME FOR THE WAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

>>

>> WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT COULD

HAPPEN?

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: THE STENCH OF BURNT

PUBES WAS MORE INTENSE THAT DAY.

DO NOT DO THE STUFF YOU SAW ME

DO AND DO GO ONLINE WHERE IT'S

EXTREMELY TO BUY FLASH COTTON AT

A REASONABLE PRICE BECAUSE THAT

WOULD BE DANGEROUS.

OKAY, NOW IT'S TIME TO POINT OUT

THE SEXIEST ASIAN IN OUR

AUDIENCE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK AND HAPPY

15th BIRTHDAY DO ELLE FANNING.

GET CRAZY, GIRL.

TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I REDEEM

THIS SHIRTLESS SWEET TALKER.

>> YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN JUST

ANYTHING.

YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN GOLDEN

DIAMONDS.

THE MOST PERFECT, MOST BEAUTIFUL

GIRL IN ALL THE WORLD AND I LOVE

YOU SO MUCH.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY WATCHING THIS,

BABY GIRL.

>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU GOT IN THE

CLOSET BACK THERE?

PROBABLY NOT A CASHMERE HENLEY.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BUT ONLY IF

I'VE ONE OF THE PEOPLE TWITTER

RECOMMENDS YOU FOLLOW AND ADD

SOME LAUGHTER TO YOUR SUMMER AND

SEE ME DO STANDUP ON THE JUNE

GLOOM TOUR WITH SPECIAL GIFT

JARROD CARMICHAEL.

THAT'S KEVIN WARE'S COMPOUND

FRACTURE.

WE AGREED WE WOULDN'T SHOW IT.

IT SEEMS GRATUITOUS.

RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S WHY I NEVER HUSTLED.

OKAY.

GOOD NEWS, GUYS.

I'M CLEANING OUT MY WALLET.

THAT MEANS YOU'LL GET ALL MY

GIFT CARD HAS IT STILL HAVE

MONEY ON THEM.

AS A CELEBRITY I FEEL STUPID

USING THEM BUT I KNOW YOU CHEAP

SKATES WON'T SO ENTER THE CODES

FAST.

IT'S FIRST-COME, FIRST-SERVE.

IF THERE'S EVER A REASON TO

WATCH MY SHOW LIVE THIS IS IT.

AN ITUNES GIFT CART WITH NINE

BUCKS.

I CAN'T TELL YOU THE LAST TIME I

PAID FOR MUSIC.

NINE DOLLARS?

NINE DOLLARS YOU CAN GET HALF AN

ALBUM FOR FREE OR FOR ZERO

DOLLARS YOU CAN GET ALL THE

MUSIC IN THE WORLD FOR FREE.

NEXT, I HOPE YOU LIKE PIZZA.

HERE'S A GIFT CARD FROM DOMINOS

WITH $250.

IF I'D KNOWN I PROBABLY WOULD

HAVE KEPT A LITTLE BIT OF IT.

I HOPE SHOW YOU GET CINNA STIX.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

CINNA STIX ARE GOOD.

TELL THEM TO SPEED THE BELT UP A

BIT AND THEY'LL BE UNDERCOOKED.

THAT'S HOW I LIKE THEM, DOUGHY.

AND THEN TELL THEM YOU WANT A

SECOND TUB OF ICING.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

TWO TUBS OF ICING, PLEASE.

THE NEXT CARD MY FEMALE FANS ARE

GOING TO LOVE FROM ANTHROPOLOGY

WITH 75 BUCKS ON IT.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT'S

YOUR FAVORITE STORE?

COME ON, GIRLS.

AND THIS CARD IS FROM DWR SO IF

YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON A CREDENZA

I'M SURE THE 17 BUCKS WILL GO A

LONG WAY.

TOUGH LUCK WESTCOAST.

SURE EVERY CENT WILL BE LONG

GONE BEFORE YOU WATCH THE SHOW.

NOW TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND

EACH OTHER.

GOOD NIGHT.