Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER]

>> LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT ROBOT COWBOY JUST

VIOLATED THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.

UNPLUG HIM.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" OR SHOULD I

SAY TOSH POINT-BOW-TIE.

ANY GUESSES TO WHAT IT'S MADE

OF?

MERINO?

RIDICULOUS.

IT'S CASHMERE.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY IT'S NOT

TIED EVERYONE WHO KNEW HOW TO

TIE ONE DIED IN THE 1940s.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TEACH THIS

GIRL TO LOOK ON THE PLUS SIDE,

WE FIND OUT WHAT THIS GUY'S NAME

IS AND I ASK NOT WHAT I CAN DO

FOR THIS COUNTRY BUT THIS

COUNTRY CAN DO FOR ME.

NOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE A

STREET PERFORMER A WET WILLY YOU

HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO TIP HIM

TWO DOLLARS.

HE DIDN'T PAINT HIMSELF SILVER

AND PUT ON A COWBOY OUTFIT TO BE

TREATED LIKE AN IDIOT.

THAT'S PURPLE SHIRT WAY WHITE

COLLAR WAS REASON ENOUGH FOR A

KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

THAT'S AMATEUR HOUR.

WE TORTURE OUR HANDSOME SECURITY

GUARD EVERY DAY AND HE NEVER

SNAPS.

>> LET ME HANDLE THIS.

>> Tosh: WAIT A SECOND, THERE

WASN'T A DICK AT THE END OF

AIRPLANE.

THAT'S THE BEST PART OF HAVING

TEEN AGED FANS.

THEY DON'T KNOW WE'RE JUST

RIPPING OFF MOVIES FROM THE 80s.

I'M STARTING TO SEE WHY OBAMA

ISN'T AFRAID OF NORTH KOREA'S

LONG-RANGE MISSLED.

THAT'S A BULL.

THOSE ARE CHOP STICKS.

JEAN CAPRIS.

I PRAY THAT'S NOT YOUR MOM'S

GOOD BAMBOO.

WHEN HE CHOP STICKS AT SCHOOL NO

ONE CAN SAY THERE WEREN'T

WARNING SIGNS.

WASN'T ENOUGH TO EAT YOUR DOG?

HAVE YOU TO RUIN HIS BOWL TOO?

THAT'S PRETTY RESOURCEFUL BUT

WHAT DO I DO WITH A DRAWERFUL OF

SOY SAUCE PACKETS.

I TRIED TO THROW ONE THROUGH

OUR OFFICE WINDOW.

ROUGH DAY FOR STUPID OLD JOE.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

HE'S A RACIST AND OWNS A REAL

SLAVE BELL.

NOW, HERE'S THE DUMBEST LADY

EVER WATCHING THE DUMBEST SPORT

EVER.

[BLEEP]

>> WHY WOULD YOU IS IN THE FRONT

OF IT?

>> Tosh: AS IF THE WHEELING

COMMUNITY NEEDS MORE BAD

HEADLINES.

FOR THE SAKE OF HER FACEBOOK

PAGE I HOPE SHE GOT THE SHOT.

>> WELCOME TO UTAH.

>> Tosh: SHE WOULD RATHER BE RUN

OVER THAN LIVE ANOTHER DAY IN

UTAH.

THERE'S A SOLID CHANCE KARL

MALONE IS THERE.

NOW PAY ATTENTION, BA MA FANS.

HERE'S HOW A REAL MAN KILLS A

TREE.

AND GOOD LUCK GETTING A SAP OFF

YOUR JACKET, TOUGH GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NATURE LOOSENED THAT

ONE FOR YOU.

I'M SURE HE COMES BACK AT NIGHT

AND REPLANTS TREES.

GET OUT OF THE WAY.

WHY IS EVERY TREE IN THAT TOWN

DEAD?

QUIT TACKLING THEM AND TAKE A

SOIL SAMPLE.

YOU KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE TO DO TOO

MUCH PILATES.

[***]

>> Tosh: YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE THE

BATHING SUIT LOOKS GOOD FROM

EVERY ANGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I'M HAVING A FOUNTAIN

LIKE THAT INSTALLED IN FRONT OF

MY HOUSE.

IT MUST BE REALLY BAD IF EVEN

SHE WON'T EAT IT.

EASY.

THE KEYING TO BE THAT FLEXIBLE

IS TO START EARLY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S HOW YOU PUSH THE POO

OUT.

>> Tosh: YOU CAN FORCE SOMEONE

TO POO?

I WONDER IF THAT REALLY WORKS.

IT DOES.

IT DOES.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> IT WILL MESS WITH YOUR BRAIN.

YOU HAVE TO DIAL THIS USING THE

STRAW ONLY.

ALL RIGHT?

WHOEVER DOES IT THE QUICKEST OR

THE FASTEST I SHOULD SAY, PROPER

ENGLISH YOU'LL GET A PASS.

A 50-DOLLAR VALUE.

>> Tosh: AN EXPRESS PASS.

WHOO.

WHAT'S THE WORSE DECISION FOR

SPRING BREAK?

YOU SAID WATER MANIA YOU'LL LOVE

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

WATER PARKS AREN'T ABOUT

COMPETITION, THEY'RE WHERE

PEOPLE OF ALL AGES GO TO SWALLOW

EACH OTHER'S URINE.

THIS IS ENOUGH TO BE IN FLORIDA.

THE PSYCHO IS THE BRASS KNUCKLE

TATTOO SEEMS LIKE THE CLEAR

FAVORITE BUT THE SMART MONEY'S

ON THE BROWN SWIMSUIT.

THAT'S A MAID I DON'T WANT TO

[BLEEP].

WHAT'S THE BLOND DOING THAT?

YOUR BODY'S YOUR EXPRESS PASS

YOU THINK THE GIRL WITH THE

BELLY BUTTON RING WOULD BE

BETTER AT SUCKING.

MAYBE GET ON YOUR KNEES?

I'M GUESSING THEY SLIPPED THE

RUFFIE IN THE WRONG CUP.

A STROKE IS STAGE-FOUR BRAIN

FREEZE.

EVERYONE ELSE PLEASE KEEP

DRINKING YOUR SLURPEE AS IF NO

ONE HAS DIED.

SHOVE HER DOWN THE LOG FLUME.

SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT

WAY.

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

>> PARAMEDICS.

PARAMEDICS, PLEASE.

>> Tosh: SEND SOME PARAMEDICS TO

THE DEEJAY BOOTH BECAUSE HE'S

ABOUT TO MURDER THIS TRACK.

ALSO MAYBE SEND SOMEONE FROM

LEGAL.

WONDER WHAT SHE'LL NAME THE

PLACE WHEN IT' AWARDED HER IN

THE LAWSUIT.

I'M GLAD THE GIRL IN THE

BIKINI'S OKAY.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE TOPPLED

MODEL AND TIME WITH MEMA.

>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW IF I

SHOULD TRIM THE TV CABLE.

MY SON, GOT REST HIS SOUL.

HE SHAVED MINE INTO THE SHAPE OF

A HEART AND I REFUSED TO DO IT.

[***]

>> Tosh: EVERYONE KNOWS JUMBO

JET NEEDS A LONGER RUNWAY.

THAT FINE-ASS FEMALE IS JASMINE

AND PROVES ALL WOMEN ARE

BEAUTIFUL BUT NOT ALL ARE

COORDINATED.

PLUS-SIZED MOOD HE WILLS ARE

LIKE OTHER MODELS BUT INSTEAD OF

COCAINE THEY USE PORK THE, OTHER

WHITE TREAT.

MODELS ARE GROWING.

CARL'S JR. SHOULD ONLY PUT

VOLUPTUOUS WOMEN ON THEIR ADS

NOT WOMEN WHO WANT TO SHOVE A

FINGER DOWN THEIR THROAT AFTER A

JIM BEAM BOURBON BURGER.

BODY IMAGE IS ONLY SOMETHING

WOMEN THINK ABOUT AND ONLY WOMEN

OUTSIDE OF WISCONSIN ARE ON A

DIET.

THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE FOR

GIRLS TO BE THIN AND HALF COMES

FROM THIS SHOW.

LARGER LADIES HAVE MORE CURBING

FOR PUSHING BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER

PUSH A WOMAN.

I LOVE BIG GALS IT'S SAFE

BECAUSE MOST TIMES I'M HEAVY IN

THE FOLD AND HEAVY GIRLS LIKE TO

POINT OUT MARILYN MONROE WAS A

SIZE 12 BUT SHE WAS A BIG SLUT.

THAT GOES A LONG WAY WITH US

FELLAS.

BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS NOT

CAMPAIGN ABOUT YOUR BODY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS

YOU'RE SUPER YOUNG.

SO WHAT IF JASMINE HAS SOME

WEEBLE IN HER WOBBLE.

THAT'S WHY I DIALED 1-900-MIX-A

LOT AND BROUGHT HER TO HOLLYWOOD

FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

WHO'S NEXT?

HAVE A SEAT.

ALL RIGHT.

GET OUT.

YOU JUST FAILED THE CHAIR TEST.

NONE OF MY LADIES WOULD RISK

SITTING IN THAT FLIMSY LAWN

FURNITURE.

GO.

AND GRAB A PAZOLO ON THE WAY

OUT.

>> THE WHOLE THING?

>> Tosh: YES, THE WHOLE THING.

JUDI

JUDITH, WHERE IS MY 10:00.

>> I'M JASMINE.

I THINK I'M YOUR 10.

>> Tosh: YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE.

LET ME TAKE YOU IN.

YOU'RE FABULOUS.

HAVE A SEAT.

WHERE YOU FROM, JASMINE?

>> INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

IN THE MODELLING BUSINESS?

>> THREE YEARS.

>> Tosh: HOW DIFFERENT IS

PLUS-SIZED MODELLING FROM

STANDARD MODELLING?

>> WE GET TO EAT.

>> Tosh: THEY EAT TOO BUT HAVE

TO GET RID OF IT.

DO TRADITIONAL MODELS LIKE

PLUS-SIZED.

>>I THINK SO.

>> Tosh: BECAUSE THEY'RE SCARED.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MODELLING?

>> RUNWAY.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOOD?

>> SOMETIMES.

>> Tosh: WALK ME THROUGH WHAT

HAPPENED IN THE VIDEO.

>> I WAS WORK IT IN SIX-INCH

HEELS GOT CAUGHT ON THE CARPET,

MY KNEE GAVE OUT AND TRIED TO

RECOVER AND FELL MORE.

>> Tosh: WHEN WITH YOU WERE

FALLING WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH

YOU'RE MIND?

>> OH, [BLEEP].

MY CAREER'S OVER.

>> Tosh: WAS THAT A FLUKE OR

HAPPENED IN THE PAST.

>> ONE OTHER SOMTIMES AND A

SLIPPED ON ALCOHOL.

>> Tosh: YOU WERE DRINKING?

>> NO, THE PEOPLE IN THE CLUB

WERE DRINKING AND SPILLED.

>> Tosh: WERE THEY SPRAYING

CHAMPAGNE ON THE MODEL [BLEEP]S.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE ONE THING

YOU WON'T MODEL?

>> NUDE.

>> Tosh: NOT COMPLETE.

>> IMPLIED BUT NOT COMPLETE.

>> Tosh: WITH TOPS.

>> YES.

>> Tosh: DO YOU EAT HEALTHY

>> I TRY TO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

THING TO EAT?

>> BAKED SPAGHETTI.

>> Tosh: DO YOU EXERCISE?

>> SOMETIMES.

>> Tosh: KNOCK THAT OFF.

STAY IN THE BUSINESS LONGER.

WHAT'S THE SKINNIEST MAN YOU

EVER DATED.

>> 6'4", 200 POUNDS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT SKINNY.

>> THAT'S SKINNY.

>> Tosh: THAT'S DWAYNE WADE.

DID YOU LIKE THE SHOW?

>> I DO NOW.

>> Tosh: WHEN DID YOU HATE THE

SHOW.

>> WHEN I THOUGHT YOU MADE FUN

OF PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: I STILL DO.

YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT THAT

HAPPENED F

HAPPENED TO BE FUNNY TO WATCH.

>> I'M GLAD IT WAS FUNNY.

>> I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IF I WAS

THERE UNLESS YOU FELL INTO ME.

>> HE CAUGHT ME.

>> Tosh: WAS HE CONSIDERED THE

STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

HERE'S THE DEAL, YOU'RE

EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL BUT CRAZY

CLUMSY AND THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE

SHOULD BE FOCUSSED ON PRINT WORK

NOT RUNWAY.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: I SENT A BEAUTIFUL

SPREAD THAT'S TASTEFUL YET

EXTREMELY PORNOGRAPHIC AND A

CALENDAR SHOOT FEATURING YOU ALL

TWELVE MONTHS.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

>> YEAH, I CAN BE.

>> Tosh: THEN DROP DOWN AND GET

YOUR EAGLE ON.

>> HEY.

>> Tosh: WE NEED TO SHOW THE

WORLD YOU CAN MODEL WITHOUT TAKE

A SPILL.

>> THIS IS UNNECESSARILY RISKY.

>> Tosh: THAT'S BEAUTY OF PRINT

WORK.

POSE LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO GET

THE SHOT.

HOLD ON, I'M GETTING A PHONE

CALL.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE.

I GOTTA GO.

TELEMARKETER.

>> BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ICE SKATE.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE PROBABLY LIGHT

HEADED.

SOMEONE PLEASE BRING JASMINE A

MEAL.

I SAID A MEAL.

[***]

>> Tosh: I'M GOING MOF TO

PANORAM --

MOVE TO PANORAMIC FOR THAT ONE.

HELP ME BLACK PAMELA ANDERSON.

I NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH

RESUSCITATION.

ARE YOU READY TO SEE THE SEXIEST

CALENDAR IN THE HISTORY OF

"TOSH.0" MODELLING AGENCY.

>> I AM.

THAT SEEMS BIG.

>> Tosh: WE WENT WITH THE DESK

CALENDAR.

SEEMS TO MAKE MORE SENSE.

THE SIGNING IS AT THE KIOSK.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THE PHOTOS I

PICKED OUT.

>> I BETTER.

>> Tosh: WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO

NUDE A 2013 DESK CALENDAR IN

APRIL?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST HE

JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR YOUR

RETENTION.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE

IT'S TIME FOR A BRAND NEW

SEGMENT CALLED WHAT'S YOUR NAME.

THAT'S WHERE SOMEBODY ASKS YOU

THE QUESTION, WHAT'S YOUR NAME.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MY NAME -- OH, LET ME TELL

YOU MY NAME, I'M CONFUSED.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO

BELIEVE IN THE MINISTRY, RIGHT,

SO IT'S THE CHURCH AND STATE

SUPPOSED TO BE SEPARATE?

I'M CONFUSED BECAUSE YOU NEVER

WENT TO SCHOOL.

RIGHT?

IS A CONFUSED PERSON GET A

RESOLUTION?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE, WHEN YOU GO LIKE THAT,

RIGHT, YOU HAVE A CROSS.

TWO STICKS, RIGHT?

THAT'S HOW I FELT WHEN I WAS IN

WATERLOO.

WHEN I WALKED IN WATERLOO AND

SMILED AT PEOPLE THEY TREATED ME

LIKE A VAMPIRE.

THEY USED THE CROSS AND THEY

WENT LIKE THIS BY KNOCK SMILING

AT ME.

IN TORONTO -- HEY, GUYS.

YOU KNOW ME, DAVE SPIROS THOSE

WHO KNOW ME I'M A NOBODY.

YOU UNDERSTAND AND YOU CAN'T

KILL A PERSON WITH NO BODY.

SO WHY AM I AFRAID?

I'M NOT AFRAID.

I'M AFRAID OF THE BOOGIE MAN.

WHO'S THE BOOGIE MAN?

YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

I'M GOING OUT OF HERE AND GOING

BACK TO WATERLOO WHERE THE

VAMPIRES HANG OUT AND WEAR MY

SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT BECAUSE

WOMEN SHOW THEIR TITS, HAVE

SHORT SKIRTS AND THEN FEEL

VIOLATED WHEN I LOOK AT THEM.

WHY?

CAUSE I HAVE SUNGLASSES ON AND

I'M WEIRD.

I'M FROM HUMBERSIDE.

I'M SORRY IF I MADE A FOOL OF

HUMBERSIDE BUT ALL THE PEOPLE

WHO CALLED ME A SLEEP WALKER, I

WOKE UP.

NOW I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE

COMMITTED IN AN ISOLATION ROOM

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO

THE MINISTRY AND ALLOW THEM TO

PERCEIVE ME AS I AM.

A [BLEEP].

GOOD-BYE.

>> Tosh: AND THAT WAS WHAT'S

YOUR NAME.

I BLAME CANADA'S SOCIALIZED

MEDICINE.

IT MAKES SENSE ACROSS THE TWO

STICKS.

WOMEN DO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS AND

YOU CAN'T KILL A PERSON WITH NO

BODY.

NOW WHAT KIND OF SHOW WAS HE

BEING INTERVIEWED FOR?

YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

I'LL TELL YOU.

IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT FASHION.

OBVIOUSLY.

IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL HE

HAD TO SAY CLEARLY YOU HAVE

NEVER BEEN ASKED, WHAT'S YOUR

NAME?

>> LOOK AT THIS SQUARE.

IT WAS A [BLEEP] HOLE WHEN I

WORKED HERE AND NOW IT LOOKS

LIKE NEW YORK, MANHATTAN.

WHERE ARE THE BUMS?

THERE'S NO BUMS HERE.

TORONTO DOESN'T HAVE BUMS BUT

WATERLOO, THEY'RE CREATING BUMS.

THEY CREATED ME.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S THE CHURCH.

TALK TO THE POPE, HE KNOWS

EVERYTHING.

I HAD IT.

I'M GONE THAT DIE.

HOW CAN YOU DIE WHEN YOU'RE

DEAD?

WAIT, I'M GOING TO BE CRUCIFIED,

RIGHT?

I'M NOT GONNA MY VOICE.

>> Tosh: WHAT A LOOSE CANNON.

THOSE AREN'T SNAPS.

HIS SHIRT DOESN'T CLOSE ANY

MORE.

NOW HERE'S YOUR TOUGHEST

ASSIGNMENT, VIDEO YOURSELF

COPYING THAT MANIAC'S SPEECH

VERBATIM AND HERE'S THIS WEEK'S

WINNER.

[ GARGLING ]

[ GARGLING ]

>> Tosh: THAT WAS WELL WRITTEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

CLASH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

WE'RE STILL A FEW DOLLARS SHORT

OF OUR GOAL.

LINES ARE OPEN.

KEEP THE PLEDGES COMING.

NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I CHEW THE

FAT WITH THIS PICKY EERT.

>> SO THERE ARE NOT MANY FOODS I

LIKE.

ONE FOOD THAT I REALLY LOVED

WERE BURGER KING CHICKEN FRIES.

SURE ENOUGH THEY WERE

DISCONTINUED FOR 2012.

[BLEEP] YOU.

I WILL DEDICATE MYSELF TO

DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS.

[BLEEP] YOU, BURGER THING.

>> I MAY CALL IN SICK FOR THAT

EPISODE.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.

THAT'S AT TWITTER DOT COM.

THANK YOU FOR GOING TO OUR BLOG.

I'M TOLD OUR -- MY ROUTING HAS

BEEN ON THE UPTICK AND SEE ME DO

STANDUP ON THE JUNE BLOOM TOUR

WITHSTANDUP JARROD CARMICHAEL.

THAT'S PREGNANT KIM KARDASHIAN.

HER BABY HAS A HUGE BOOTY AND

FINALLY I WENT TO PRESIDENT

OBAMA'S WEBSITE AT WHITE HOUSE

DOT GOV WHERE ANYONE CAN SIGN A

PETITION TO GET A NEW LAW AND

YOU JUST NEED 100,000 SIGNATURES

AND THE PRESIDENT IS REQUIRED TO

ISSUE A FORMAL RESPONSE.

HERE'S MY PROPOSALS.

FIRST UP, THE DAKOTAS INTO ONE

STATE.

ONE BORING, COLD STATE.

GET RID OF ALL COINS AND TENS

AND FIFTIES.

AND BUTTERSCOTCH HARD CANDIES.

THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T NEED IT.

THERE'S TOO MUCH [BLEEP] IN OUR

POCKETS.

ALL RIGHT.

GRANT INSTAND U.S. CITIZENSHIP

TO ANY MEXICAN WHO CAN MAKE A

KILLER FISH TACO.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE BED, BATH AND

BEYOND MARK EVERYTHING DOWN 20%

AND STOP MAILING OUT OUT THE BIG

STUPID BIG BLUE COUPONS.

YOU'RE KILLING THE ENVIRONMENT.

NO ONE FEELS SPECIAL AND MY

FINAL PROPOSAL.

FORCE DAVE CHAPPELLE TO RETURN

TO TELEVISION.

FEEL FREE TO SIGN ALL OF THEM OR

JUST THE ONES THAT HIT YOU CLOSE

TO HOME.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, HAILEY JOE OSMOND

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT KIND OF BATHING SUIT DO

YOU LIKE TO WEAR?

>>

>> Tosh: NONE?

>> I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IN

THEM YET.