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[LAUGHTER]
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>> LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: THAT ROBOT COWBOY JUST
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VIOLATED THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.
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UNPLUG HIM.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" OR SHOULD I
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SAY TOSH POINT-BOW-TIE.
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ANY GUESSES TO WHAT IT'S MADE
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OF?
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MERINO?
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RIDICULOUS.
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IT'S CASHMERE.
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IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY IT'S NOT
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TIED EVERYONE WHO KNEW HOW TO
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TIE ONE DIED IN THE 1940s.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TEACH THIS
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GIRL TO LOOK ON THE PLUS SIDE,
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WE FIND OUT WHAT THIS GUY'S NAME
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IS AND I ASK NOT WHAT I CAN DO
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FOR THIS COUNTRY BUT THIS
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COUNTRY CAN DO FOR ME.
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NOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE A
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STREET PERFORMER A WET WILLY YOU
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HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO TIP HIM
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TWO DOLLARS.
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HE DIDN'T PAINT HIMSELF SILVER
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AND PUT ON A COWBOY OUTFIT TO BE
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TREATED LIKE AN IDIOT.
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THAT'S PURPLE SHIRT WAY WHITE
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COLLAR WAS REASON ENOUGH FOR A
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KNUCKLE SANDWICH.
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THAT'S AMATEUR HOUR.
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WE TORTURE OUR HANDSOME SECURITY
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GUARD EVERY DAY AND HE NEVER
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SNAPS.
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>> LET ME HANDLE THIS.
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>> Tosh: WAIT A SECOND, THERE
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WASN'T A DICK AT THE END OF
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AIRPLANE.
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THAT'S THE BEST PART OF HAVING
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TEEN AGED FANS.
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THEY DON'T KNOW WE'RE JUST
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RIPPING OFF MOVIES FROM THE 80s.
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I'M STARTING TO SEE WHY OBAMA
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ISN'T AFRAID OF NORTH KOREA'S
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LONG-RANGE MISSLED.
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THAT'S A BULL.
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THOSE ARE CHOP STICKS.
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JEAN CAPRIS.
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I PRAY THAT'S NOT YOUR MOM'S
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GOOD BAMBOO.
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WHEN HE CHOP STICKS AT SCHOOL NO
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ONE CAN SAY THERE WEREN'T
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WARNING SIGNS.
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WASN'T ENOUGH TO EAT YOUR DOG?
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HAVE YOU TO RUIN HIS BOWL TOO?
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THAT'S PRETTY RESOURCEFUL BUT
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WHAT DO I DO WITH A DRAWERFUL OF
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SOY SAUCE PACKETS.
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I TRIED TO THROW ONE THROUGH
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OUR OFFICE WINDOW.
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ROUGH DAY FOR STUPID OLD JOE.
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DON'T FEEL BAD.
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HE'S A RACIST AND OWNS A REAL
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SLAVE BELL.
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NOW, HERE'S THE DUMBEST LADY
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EVER WATCHING THE DUMBEST SPORT
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EVER.
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[BLEEP]
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>> WHY WOULD YOU IS IN THE FRONT
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OF IT?
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>> Tosh: AS IF THE WHEELING
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COMMUNITY NEEDS MORE BAD
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HEADLINES.
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FOR THE SAKE OF HER FACEBOOK
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PAGE I HOPE SHE GOT THE SHOT.
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>> WELCOME TO UTAH.
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>> Tosh: SHE WOULD RATHER BE RUN
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OVER THAN LIVE ANOTHER DAY IN
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UTAH.
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THERE'S A SOLID CHANCE KARL
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MALONE IS THERE.
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NOW PAY ATTENTION, BA MA FANS.
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HERE'S HOW A REAL MAN KILLS A
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TREE.
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AND GOOD LUCK GETTING A SAP OFF
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YOUR JACKET, TOUGH GUY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: NATURE LOOSENED THAT
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ONE FOR YOU.
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I'M SURE HE COMES BACK AT NIGHT
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AND REPLANTS TREES.
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GET OUT OF THE WAY.
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WHY IS EVERY TREE IN THAT TOWN
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DEAD?
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QUIT TACKLING THEM AND TAKE A
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SOIL SAMPLE.
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YOU KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE TO DO TOO
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MUCH PILATES.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE THE
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BATHING SUIT LOOKS GOOD FROM
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EVERY ANGLE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: I'M HAVING A FOUNTAIN
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LIKE THAT INSTALLED IN FRONT OF
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MY HOUSE.
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IT MUST BE REALLY BAD IF EVEN
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SHE WON'T EAT IT.
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EASY.
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THE KEYING TO BE THAT FLEXIBLE
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IS TO START EARLY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THAT'S HOW YOU PUSH THE POO
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OUT.
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>> Tosh: YOU CAN FORCE SOMEONE
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TO POO?
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I WONDER IF THAT REALLY WORKS.
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IT DOES.
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IT DOES.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> IT WILL MESS WITH YOUR BRAIN.
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YOU HAVE TO DIAL THIS USING THE
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STRAW ONLY.
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ALL RIGHT?
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WHOEVER DOES IT THE QUICKEST OR
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THE FASTEST I SHOULD SAY, PROPER
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ENGLISH YOU'LL GET A PASS.
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A 50-DOLLAR VALUE.
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>> Tosh: AN EXPRESS PASS.
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WHOO.
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WHAT'S THE WORSE DECISION FOR
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SPRING BREAK?
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YOU SAID WATER MANIA YOU'LL LOVE
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THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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WATER PARKS AREN'T ABOUT
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COMPETITION, THEY'RE WHERE
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PEOPLE OF ALL AGES GO TO SWALLOW
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EACH OTHER'S URINE.
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THIS IS ENOUGH TO BE IN FLORIDA.
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THE PSYCHO IS THE BRASS KNUCKLE
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TATTOO SEEMS LIKE THE CLEAR
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FAVORITE BUT THE SMART MONEY'S
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ON THE BROWN SWIMSUIT.
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THAT'S A MAID I DON'T WANT TO
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[BLEEP].
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WHAT'S THE BLOND DOING THAT?
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YOUR BODY'S YOUR EXPRESS PASS
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YOU THINK THE GIRL WITH THE
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BELLY BUTTON RING WOULD BE
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BETTER AT SUCKING.
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MAYBE GET ON YOUR KNEES?
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I'M GUESSING THEY SLIPPED THE
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RUFFIE IN THE WRONG CUP.
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A STROKE IS STAGE-FOUR BRAIN
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FREEZE.
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EVERYONE ELSE PLEASE KEEP
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DRINKING YOUR SLURPEE AS IF NO
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ONE HAS DIED.
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SHOVE HER DOWN THE LOG FLUME.
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SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT
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WAY.
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>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
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>> PARAMEDICS.
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PARAMEDICS, PLEASE.
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>> Tosh: SEND SOME PARAMEDICS TO
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THE DEEJAY BOOTH BECAUSE HE'S
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ABOUT TO MURDER THIS TRACK.
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ALSO MAYBE SEND SOMEONE FROM
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LEGAL.
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WONDER WHAT SHE'LL NAME THE
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PLACE WHEN IT' AWARDED HER IN
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THE LAWSUIT.
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I'M GLAD THE GIRL IN THE
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BIKINI'S OKAY.
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WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE TOPPLED
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MODEL AND TIME WITH MEMA.
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>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW IF I
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SHOULD TRIM THE TV CABLE.
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MY SON, GOT REST HIS SOUL.
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HE SHAVED MINE INTO THE SHAPE OF
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A HEART AND I REFUSED TO DO IT.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: EVERYONE KNOWS JUMBO
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JET NEEDS A LONGER RUNWAY.
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THAT FINE-ASS FEMALE IS JASMINE
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AND PROVES ALL WOMEN ARE
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BEAUTIFUL BUT NOT ALL ARE
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COORDINATED.
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PLUS-SIZED MOOD HE WILLS ARE
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LIKE OTHER MODELS BUT INSTEAD OF
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COCAINE THEY USE PORK THE, OTHER
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WHITE TREAT.
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MODELS ARE GROWING.
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CARL'S JR. SHOULD ONLY PUT
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VOLUPTUOUS WOMEN ON THEIR ADS
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NOT WOMEN WHO WANT TO SHOVE A
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FINGER DOWN THEIR THROAT AFTER A
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JIM BEAM BOURBON BURGER.
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BODY IMAGE IS ONLY SOMETHING
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WOMEN THINK ABOUT AND ONLY WOMEN
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OUTSIDE OF WISCONSIN ARE ON A
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DIET.
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THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE FOR
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GIRLS TO BE THIN AND HALF COMES
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FROM THIS SHOW.
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LARGER LADIES HAVE MORE CURBING
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FOR PUSHING BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER
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PUSH A WOMAN.
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I LOVE BIG GALS IT'S SAFE
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BECAUSE MOST TIMES I'M HEAVY IN
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THE FOLD AND HEAVY GIRLS LIKE TO
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POINT OUT MARILYN MONROE WAS A
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SIZE 12 BUT SHE WAS A BIG SLUT.
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THAT GOES A LONG WAY WITH US
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FELLAS.
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BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS NOT
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CAMPAIGN ABOUT YOUR BODY.
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IT DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS
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YOU'RE SUPER YOUNG.
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SO WHAT IF JASMINE HAS SOME
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WEEBLE IN HER WOBBLE.
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THAT'S WHY I DIALED 1-900-MIX-A
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LOT AND BROUGHT HER TO HOLLYWOOD
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FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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WHO'S NEXT?
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HAVE A SEAT.
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ALL RIGHT.
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GET OUT.
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YOU JUST FAILED THE CHAIR TEST.
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NONE OF MY LADIES WOULD RISK
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SITTING IN THAT FLIMSY LAWN
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FURNITURE.
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GO.
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AND GRAB A PAZOLO ON THE WAY
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OUT.
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>> THE WHOLE THING?
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>> Tosh: YES, THE WHOLE THING.
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JUDI
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JUDITH, WHERE IS MY 10:00.
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>> I'M JASMINE.
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I THINK I'M YOUR 10.
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>> Tosh: YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE.
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LET ME TAKE YOU IN.
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YOU'RE FABULOUS.
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HAVE A SEAT.
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WHERE YOU FROM, JASMINE?
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>> INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.
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>> Tosh: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
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IN THE MODELLING BUSINESS?
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>> THREE YEARS.
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>> Tosh: HOW DIFFERENT IS
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PLUS-SIZED MODELLING FROM
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STANDARD MODELLING?
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>> WE GET TO EAT.
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>> Tosh: THEY EAT TOO BUT HAVE
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TO GET RID OF IT.
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DO TRADITIONAL MODELS LIKE
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PLUS-SIZED.
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>>I THINK SO.
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>> Tosh: BECAUSE THEY'RE SCARED.
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WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MODELLING?
264
00:10:29,833 --> 00:10:30,973
>> RUNWAY.
265
00:10:30,967 --> 00:10:32,297
>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOOD?
266
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:33,200
>> SOMETIMES.
267
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,430
>> Tosh: WALK ME THROUGH WHAT
268
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:35,073
HAPPENED IN THE VIDEO.
269
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:37,997
>> I WAS WORK IT IN SIX-INCH
270
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,570
HEELS GOT CAUGHT ON THE CARPET,
271
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,267
MY KNEE GAVE OUT AND TRIED TO
272
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,397
RECOVER AND FELL MORE.
273
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,500
>> Tosh: WHEN WITH YOU WERE
274
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:45,670
FALLING WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH
275
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:46,427
YOU'RE MIND?
276
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:47,273
>> OH, [BLEEP].
277
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,627
MY CAREER'S OVER.
278
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,033
>> Tosh: WAS THAT A FLUKE OR
279
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,373
HAPPENED IN THE PAST.
280
00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:52,627
>> ONE OTHER SOMTIMES AND A
281
00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:53,673
SLIPPED ON ALCOHOL.
282
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,397
>> Tosh: YOU WERE DRINKING?
283
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,130
>> NO, THE PEOPLE IN THE CLUB
284
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,273
WERE DRINKING AND SPILLED.
285
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:02,267
>> Tosh: WERE THEY SPRAYING
286
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,867
CHAMPAGNE ON THE MODEL [BLEEP]S.
287
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:04,927
>> NO.
288
00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,273
>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE ONE THING
289
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:07,727
YOU WON'T MODEL?
290
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:08,403
>> NUDE.
291
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,500
>> Tosh: NOT COMPLETE.
292
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:10,830
>> IMPLIED BUT NOT COMPLETE.
293
00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,303
>> Tosh: WITH TOPS.
294
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,670
>> YES.
295
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:16,827
>> Tosh: DO YOU EAT HEALTHY
296
00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:18,073
>> I TRY TO.
297
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,527
>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
298
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:20,573
THING TO EAT?
299
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,827
>> BAKED SPAGHETTI.
300
00:11:22,833 --> 00:11:23,873
>> Tosh: DO YOU EXERCISE?
301
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,567
>> SOMETIMES.
302
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:29,097
>> Tosh: KNOCK THAT OFF.
303
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,430
STAY IN THE BUSINESS LONGER.
304
00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,703
WHAT'S THE SKINNIEST MAN YOU
305
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:32,500
EVER DATED.
306
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:36,430
>> 6'4", 200 POUNDS.
307
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:38,133
>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT SKINNY.
308
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,233
>> THAT'S SKINNY.
309
00:11:39,233 --> 00:11:43,073
>> Tosh: THAT'S DWAYNE WADE.
310
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,567
DID YOU LIKE THE SHOW?
311
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,467
>> I DO NOW.
312
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:47,727
>> Tosh: WHEN DID YOU HATE THE
313
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:48,603
SHOW.
314
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,930
>> WHEN I THOUGHT YOU MADE FUN
315
00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:50,673
OF PEOPLE.
316
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:52,067
>> Tosh: I STILL DO.
317
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:53,197
YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT THAT
318
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,570
HAPPENED F
319
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,867
HAPPENED TO BE FUNNY TO WATCH.
320
00:11:56,867 --> 00:12:00,627
>> I'M GLAD IT WAS FUNNY.
321
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:01,903
>> I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IF I WAS
322
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,270
THERE UNLESS YOU FELL INTO ME.
323
00:12:03,267 --> 00:12:05,067
>> HE CAUGHT ME.
324
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,127
>> Tosh: WAS HE CONSIDERED THE
325
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:08,303
STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
326
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,500
HERE'S THE DEAL, YOU'RE
327
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:13,070
EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL BUT CRAZY
328
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,267
CLUMSY AND THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE
329
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,697
SHOULD BE FOCUSSED ON PRINT WORK
330
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:16,930
NOT RUNWAY.
331
00:12:16,933 --> 00:12:17,833
>> OKAY.
332
00:12:17,833 --> 00:12:20,173
>> Tosh: I SENT A BEAUTIFUL
333
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:22,097
SPREAD THAT'S TASTEFUL YET
334
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,970
EXTREMELY PORNOGRAPHIC AND A
335
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:26,497
CALENDAR SHOOT FEATURING YOU ALL
336
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,330
TWELVE MONTHS.
337
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:28,173
ARE YOU EXCITED?
338
00:12:28,167 --> 00:12:30,327
>> YEAH, I CAN BE.
339
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,603
>> Tosh: THEN DROP DOWN AND GET
340
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,600
YOUR EAGLE ON.
341
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,770
>> HEY.
342
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,067
>> Tosh: WE NEED TO SHOW THE
343
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,267
WORLD YOU CAN MODEL WITHOUT TAKE
344
00:12:36,267 --> 00:12:36,927
A SPILL.
345
00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:40,073
>> THIS IS UNNECESSARILY RISKY.
346
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:42,467
>> Tosh: THAT'S BEAUTY OF PRINT
347
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:43,527
WORK.
348
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:45,333
POSE LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO GET
349
00:12:45,333 --> 00:12:46,103
THE SHOT.
350
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,630
HOLD ON, I'M GETTING A PHONE
351
00:12:48,633 --> 00:12:49,073
CALL.
352
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:49,397
[LAUGHTER]
353
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,170
MAYBE.
354
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,127
I GOTTA GO.
355
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:56,473
TELEMARKETER.
356
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,167
>> BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ICE SKATE.
357
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,927
>> Tosh: YOU'RE PROBABLY LIGHT
358
00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:01,603
HEADED.
359
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,700
SOMEONE PLEASE BRING JASMINE A
360
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:03,100
MEAL.
361
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:08,100
I SAID A MEAL.
362
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:08,770
[***]
363
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,197
>> Tosh: I'M GOING MOF TO
364
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:15,530
PANORAM --
365
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:19,273
MOVE TO PANORAMIC FOR THAT ONE.
366
00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:23,327
HELP ME BLACK PAMELA ANDERSON.
367
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:25,733
I NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH
368
00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:26,433
RESUSCITATION.
369
00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:29,833
ARE YOU READY TO SEE THE SEXIEST
370
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:33,073
CALENDAR IN THE HISTORY OF
371
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,627
"TOSH.0" MODELLING AGENCY.
372
00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:36,603
>> I AM.
373
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:37,770
THAT SEEMS BIG.
374
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:40,197
>> Tosh: WE WENT WITH THE DESK
375
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:40,770
CALENDAR.
376
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:43,497
SEEMS TO MAKE MORE SENSE.
377
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:47,330
THE SIGNING IS AT THE KIOSK.
378
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,103
I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THE PHOTOS I
379
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:49,930
PICKED OUT.
380
00:13:49,933 --> 00:13:51,133
>> I BETTER.
381
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:52,933
>> Tosh: WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO
382
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,733
NUDE A 2013 DESK CALENDAR IN
383
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:55,303
APRIL?
384
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,430
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST HE
385
00:13:56,433 --> 00:14:18,403
JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
386
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,800
>> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR YOUR
387
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:20,670
RETENTION.
388
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:21,897
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE
389
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:23,800
IT'S TIME FOR A BRAND NEW
390
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,800
SEGMENT CALLED WHAT'S YOUR NAME.
391
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,070
THAT'S WHERE SOMEBODY ASKS YOU
392
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,567
THE QUESTION, WHAT'S YOUR NAME.
393
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,067
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
394
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:32,697
>> MY NAME -- OH, LET ME TELL
395
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:37,700
YOU MY NAME, I'M CONFUSED.
396
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:40,100
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
397
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,870
BELIEVE IN THE MINISTRY, RIGHT,
398
00:14:42,867 --> 00:14:44,667
SO IT'S THE CHURCH AND STATE
399
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:45,867
SUPPOSED TO BE SEPARATE?
400
00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:46,967
I'M CONFUSED BECAUSE YOU NEVER
401
00:14:46,967 --> 00:14:47,427
WENT TO SCHOOL.
402
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:49,973
RIGHT?
403
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,867
IS A CONFUSED PERSON GET A
404
00:14:52,867 --> 00:14:53,527
RESOLUTION?
405
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:54,133
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
406
00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:56,473
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU GO LIKE THAT,
407
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:58,427
RIGHT, YOU HAVE A CROSS.
408
00:14:58,433 --> 00:15:00,333
TWO STICKS, RIGHT?
409
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:03,233
THAT'S HOW I FELT WHEN I WAS IN
410
00:15:03,233 --> 00:15:03,803
WATERLOO.
411
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,270
WHEN I WALKED IN WATERLOO AND
412
00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:08,727
SMILED AT PEOPLE THEY TREATED ME
413
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,333
LIKE A VAMPIRE.
414
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:13,073
THEY USED THE CROSS AND THEY
415
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,397
WENT LIKE THIS BY KNOCK SMILING
416
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,430
AT ME.
417
00:15:17,433 --> 00:15:20,633
IN TORONTO -- HEY, GUYS.
418
00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:23,673
YOU KNOW ME, DAVE SPIROS THOSE
419
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,127
WHO KNOW ME I'M A NOBODY.
420
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,333
YOU UNDERSTAND AND YOU CAN'T
421
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:30,473
KILL A PERSON WITH NO BODY.
422
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,527
SO WHY AM I AFRAID?
423
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,173
I'M NOT AFRAID.
424
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,667
I'M AFRAID OF THE BOOGIE MAN.
425
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:38,067
WHO'S THE BOOGIE MAN?
426
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,197
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
427
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,570
I'M GOING OUT OF HERE AND GOING
428
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:43,427
BACK TO WATERLOO WHERE THE
429
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:45,503
VAMPIRES HANG OUT AND WEAR MY
430
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,530
SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT BECAUSE
431
00:15:47,533 --> 00:15:50,703
WOMEN SHOW THEIR TITS, HAVE
432
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,870
SHORT SKIRTS AND THEN FEEL
433
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,927
VIOLATED WHEN I LOOK AT THEM.
434
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:55,403
WHY?
435
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,600
CAUSE I HAVE SUNGLASSES ON AND
436
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,730
I'M WEIRD.
437
00:16:00,733 --> 00:16:02,533
I'M FROM HUMBERSIDE.
438
00:16:02,533 --> 00:16:05,503
I'M SORRY IF I MADE A FOOL OF
439
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,700
HUMBERSIDE BUT ALL THE PEOPLE
440
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,530
WHO CALLED ME A SLEEP WALKER, I
441
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,273
WOKE UP.
442
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,467
NOW I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP
443
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:12,367
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE
444
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:13,667
COMMITTED IN AN ISOLATION ROOM
445
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,597
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO
446
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,970
THE MINISTRY AND ALLOW THEM TO
447
00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:21,767
PERCEIVE ME AS I AM.
448
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:23,427
A [BLEEP].
449
00:16:23,433 --> 00:16:24,073
GOOD-BYE.
450
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,727
>> Tosh: AND THAT WAS WHAT'S
451
00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:27,503
YOUR NAME.
452
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,330
I BLAME CANADA'S SOCIALIZED
453
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:30,873
MEDICINE.
454
00:16:30,867 --> 00:16:33,327
IT MAKES SENSE ACROSS THE TWO
455
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:33,933
STICKS.
456
00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:35,233
WOMEN DO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS AND
457
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:36,933
YOU CAN'T KILL A PERSON WITH NO
458
00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:39,673
BODY.
459
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,597
NOW WHAT KIND OF SHOW WAS HE
460
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,700
BEING INTERVIEWED FOR?
461
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,870
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
462
00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:46,597
I'LL TELL YOU.
463
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,170
IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT FASHION.
464
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,497
OBVIOUSLY.
465
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:50,830
IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL HE
466
00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:52,773
HAD TO SAY CLEARLY YOU HAVE
467
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,827
NEVER BEEN ASKED, WHAT'S YOUR
468
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:55,333
NAME?
469
00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,503
>> LOOK AT THIS SQUARE.
470
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,700
IT WAS A [BLEEP] HOLE WHEN I
471
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,670
WORKED HERE AND NOW IT LOOKS
472
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:02,367
LIKE NEW YORK, MANHATTAN.
473
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:03,297
WHERE ARE THE BUMS?
474
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,470
THERE'S NO BUMS HERE.
475
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,427
TORONTO DOESN'T HAVE BUMS BUT
476
00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:08,603
WATERLOO, THEY'RE CREATING BUMS.
477
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,700
THEY CREATED ME.
478
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:11,230
WHY?
479
00:17:11,233 --> 00:17:12,973
I DON'T KNOW.
480
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,497
MAYBE IT'S THE CHURCH.
481
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:15,600
TALK TO THE POPE, HE KNOWS
482
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,570
EVERYTHING.
483
00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:22,267
I HAD IT.
484
00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,197
I'M GONE THAT DIE.
485
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,730
HOW CAN YOU DIE WHEN YOU'RE
486
00:17:25,733 --> 00:17:26,333
DEAD?
487
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:30,873
WAIT, I'M GOING TO BE CRUCIFIED,
488
00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:31,467
RIGHT?
489
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,367
I'M NOT GONNA MY VOICE.
490
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,067
>> Tosh: WHAT A LOOSE CANNON.
491
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,697
THOSE AREN'T SNAPS.
492
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,370
HIS SHIRT DOESN'T CLOSE ANY
493
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:38,827
MORE.
494
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:42,173
NOW HERE'S YOUR TOUGHEST
495
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:44,267
ASSIGNMENT, VIDEO YOURSELF
496
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,827
COPYING THAT MANIAC'S SPEECH
497
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,933
VERBATIM AND HERE'S THIS WEEK'S
498
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:56,403
WINNER.
499
00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:21,270
[ GARGLING ]
500
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:30,697
[ GARGLING ]
501
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,530
>> Tosh: THAT WAS WELL WRITTEN.
502
00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:33,473
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
503
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:33,697
CLASH.
504
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:43,830
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
505
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:44,433
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
506
00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:45,703
WE'RE STILL A FEW DOLLARS SHORT
507
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:46,670
OF OUR GOAL.
508
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:47,667
LINES ARE OPEN.
509
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:48,897
KEEP THE PLEDGES COMING.
510
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:50,200
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I CHEW THE
511
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,070
FAT WITH THIS PICKY EERT.
512
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:53,497
>> SO THERE ARE NOT MANY FOODS I
513
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:53,930
LIKE.
514
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:57,133
ONE FOOD THAT I REALLY LOVED
515
00:18:57,133 --> 00:19:00,273
WERE BURGER KING CHICKEN FRIES.
516
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:01,767
SURE ENOUGH THEY WERE
517
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:02,897
DISCONTINUED FOR 2012.
518
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:03,670
[BLEEP] YOU.
519
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,597
I WILL DEDICATE MYSELF TO
520
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,870
DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS.
521
00:19:06,867 --> 00:19:08,597
[BLEEP] YOU, BURGER THING.
522
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,070
>> I MAY CALL IN SICK FOR THAT
523
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:10,767
EPISODE.
524
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:12,167
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.
525
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,567
THAT'S AT TWITTER DOT COM.
526
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:17,967
THANK YOU FOR GOING TO OUR BLOG.
527
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:23,627
I'M TOLD OUR -- MY ROUTING HAS
528
00:19:23,633 --> 00:19:27,273
BEEN ON THE UPTICK AND SEE ME DO
529
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:31,867
STANDUP ON THE JUNE BLOOM TOUR
530
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:35,227
WITHSTANDUP JARROD CARMICHAEL.
531
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:40,633
THAT'S PREGNANT KIM KARDASHIAN.
532
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:43,203
HER BABY HAS A HUGE BOOTY AND
533
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,170
FINALLY I WENT TO PRESIDENT
534
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:48,067
OBAMA'S WEBSITE AT WHITE HOUSE
535
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,527
DOT GOV WHERE ANYONE CAN SIGN A
536
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:50,533
PETITION TO GET A NEW LAW AND
537
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:54,633
YOU JUST NEED 100,000 SIGNATURES
538
00:19:54,633 --> 00:19:58,073
AND THE PRESIDENT IS REQUIRED TO
539
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:01,567
ISSUE A FORMAL RESPONSE.
540
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:07,767
HERE'S MY PROPOSALS.
541
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:12,867
FIRST UP, THE DAKOTAS INTO ONE
542
00:20:12,867 --> 00:20:13,467
STATE.
543
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,367
ONE BORING, COLD STATE.
544
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,767
GET RID OF ALL COINS AND TENS
545
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:22,267
AND FIFTIES.
546
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,427
AND BUTTERSCOTCH HARD CANDIES.
547
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,103
THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T NEED IT.
548
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,270
THERE'S TOO MUCH [BLEEP] IN OUR
549
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:30,297
POCKETS.
550
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:31,370
ALL RIGHT.
551
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:33,167
GRANT INSTAND U.S. CITIZENSHIP
552
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,767
TO ANY MEXICAN WHO CAN MAKE A
553
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,367
KILLER FISH TACO.
554
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,527
I'D LIKE TO MAKE BED, BATH AND
555
00:20:39,533 --> 00:20:42,203
BEYOND MARK EVERYTHING DOWN 20%
556
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,100
AND STOP MAILING OUT OUT THE BIG
557
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:52,600
STUPID BIG BLUE COUPONS.
558
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,100
YOU'RE KILLING THE ENVIRONMENT.
559
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,200
NO ONE FEELS SPECIAL AND MY
560
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,900
FINAL PROPOSAL.
561
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,330
FORCE DAVE CHAPPELLE TO RETURN
562
00:21:00,333 --> 00:21:01,533
TO TELEVISION.
563
00:21:01,533 --> 00:21:03,073
FEEL FREE TO SIGN ALL OF THEM OR
564
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,067
JUST THE ONES THAT HIT YOU CLOSE
565
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,167
TO HOME.
566
00:21:06,167 --> 00:21:06,797
ALL RIGHT.
567
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,700
GOOD NIGHT, HAILEY JOE OSMOND
568
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:10,430
WHEREVER YOU ARE.
569
00:21:11,233 --> 00:21:17,673
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
570
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,327
>> WHAT KIND OF BATHING SUIT DO
571
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:22,233
YOU LIKE TO WEAR?
572
00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:23,373
>>
573
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,167
>> Tosh: NONE?
574
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,097
>> I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IN
575
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:26,870
THEM YET.
35671
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