Original subtitles

[INDISCERNIBLE]

[APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WHOEVER'S IDEA IT WAS

TO HAVE THE SUMMER GAME IN

SOVIET RUSSIA IS FIRED.

WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

THIS WEEK'S SKYLINE IS SOUTH

PADRE ISLAND.

PERHAPS THE WORSE OF OUR

NATION'S HORRIBLE SPRING BREAK

DESTINATIONS.

WHILE THERE TAKE A PICTURE WITH

THE SELENA STATUE.

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN J LO.

TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I CHILLAX

AND USE MY TWITTER TO BRING

THIEVES TO JUSTIN AND NOW

SOMEBODY GET OLGA ON THE PHONE

AND LET HER KNOW HER COMMIE SON

IS THERE.

THIS IS THE NICEST DAY OF THE

YEAR IN RUSSIA.

WHEN BLOOD SOAKS THROUGH YOUR

PATAGONIA THAT'S A SERIOUS HEAD

WOUND OR MAYBE HE LANDED ON A

SNOW ANGEL THAT JUST STARTED HER

PERIOD.

WHAT WE NEED ARE MORE BUTTERFLY

NETS AT THE BORDER.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE IT DO YOU?

>> I DO.

>> HOLY [BLEEP].

HOLY [BLEEP].

LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S A MEXICAN BUTTERFLY.

>> Tosh: CLEAN UP THE LANGUAGE,

YOU PUSSY.

WHAT HE GOING TO DO FLUTTER YOU

TO DEATH?

>> IF THAT TAKES FLIGHT I'M

GOING [BLEEP] MY PANTS.

THAT'S A [BLEEP] MEXICAN

BUTTERFLY.

>> Tosh: WHAT MAKES IT MEXICAN?

THE FACT IT CAME OUT OF YOUR

BATHROOM WITH A CLEAN TOWEL?

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY HE IS

WEARING A TINY SOMBRERO.

I THOUGHT A MEXICAN BUTTERFLY

WAS WHEN YOU FINISH ON A GIRL'S

EYE LASHES?

OKAY.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE

REALLY PUSHED THE BOUNDARIES ON

THE SHOW SO GET READY BECAUSE

THIS ONE'S GOING STICK WITH YOU.

I GIVE YOU THE ULTIMATE DEFENSE

AGAINST TITTY TWISTERS.

>> Tosh: CALM DOWN.

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE COMEDY

CENTRAL WON'T LET US AIR THIS.

HEY, MAYBE HE HAS TO BREASTFEED

A BABY VAMPIRE.

ROLL THEM AROUND CHEDDAR POWDER

AND IT'S REAL CHEESE NIPS.

HE NEEDS TO UPGRATE TO THE MACH

SECTOMY 5.

WAS IT THE GRAPHICS YOU THOUGHT

WAS GROSS?

CAN SOMEBODY GET THE NEXT GUY A

SMOCK?

I DIDN'T KNOW VAL KILMER DID

ZUMBA.

WITH MOVES LIKE THAT IT'S EASY

TO SEE HOW THAT GUY GOT

PREGNANT.

OKAY.

I'M SURE THAT LAST VIDEO MADE A

COUPLE OF MY FEMALE VIEWERS A

LITTLE DAMP IN THEIR DOWNSTAIRS.

>> YOU SEE THE STAINS ON THERE?

YOU SEE THEM STAINS ON THERE?

SEE THE STAINS?

>> Tosh: YES, I SEE THE STAINS.

>> THAT'S FROM ME SQUIRTING.

THAT'S NOT PEE, THAT'S SQUIRT.

>> Tosh: AND YOU THOUGHT A MAN

CUTTING BOTH HIS NIPS WERE

GROSS.

I ASSUME SHE MADE HERSELF DO.

ALL A GIRL NEEDS IS A POSTER OF

DALE JR. AND IMAGINATION.

ALL YOU NEED IS SOMEONE TO MOP

UP THE MESS.

>> IT STINKSES SO BAD IN HERE.

YOU HAVE A DIRTY APARTMENT, YOU

CALL MOLLY MAID.

THEY'LL CLEAN.

YOU HAVE A SQUIRTER ON YOUR

HAND, CALL ME, THE JIZ WHIZ.

THAT'S HOW YOU DO A SKETCH SHOW.

KEEP IT UNDER 30 SECONDS AND PUT

IT IN A BETTER SHOW THAT HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH SKETCH

COMEDY.

WHAT'S NEXT?

WE HAVE A RUNNER.

THIS IS THE ONE DAY I WOULDN'T

MIND HAVING JURY DUTY.

OH, MY.

HE IS UNFAZED BY THE IT'S A.

-- TAZE.

NOW LET'S WATCH 15 SECURITY

CAMERAS CAPTURE THE FLIGHT RISK

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

WHERE ARE FRANKLIN AND/OR BASH

WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

THAT'S THE THING WITH TAZERS IF

YOU DON'T CHARGE THEM OVERNIGHT

THEY LOSE ZIP.

OBESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE

NIGHTMARES OF THIS AND I CAN'T

BELIEVE THEIR TRAINING DIDN'T

COVER THERE.

FOR ALL I KNOW THIS GUY KILLED

MY COUSIN BUT I STILL WANT TO

SEE HIM OUTRUN THE PIGS.

THAT'S PURELY A FAT JOKE.

SITTING ON YOUR ASS TEN HOURS A

DAY DOES NOT PREPARE YOU TO

TACKLE HIM.

HE MADE IT OUT THE DOOR AND

LEGALLY IT MAKES HIM FREE TO GO.

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'RE BACK WITH ILLUSION AND ZEN

WAYS.

BOSS I'M FINE.

I JUMPED OUT BUT I'M GOING NEED

ANOTHER CRANE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS THE ILLUSION.

THIS IS HOW I KEEP MY CUT TIGHT.

I KIND OF FARMED IT RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S PRETTY RADICAL BUT WE'RE

NOT GONNA SWEAT IT, DUDE.

>> TIME TO WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND

THE FACT THAT IT'S GONNA BE COLD

AND YET THE SUN IS BRIGHT.

>> Tosh: HEY, HE DID SAVE EIGHT

DOLLARS BY NOT HAVING TO GO TO

FANTASTIC SAMS SO WHO LOOKS DUMB

NOW?

THE SOUL SURFER'S AT THE

ILLUSION.

THERE'S PLENTY WAYS TO DESCRIBE

HIM BUT WHILE YOU SPEND YOUR

DAYS STRESSING ABOUT TPS REPORT

HE'S CRUISING ON A WAVE CALLED

LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

DEVOTE YOUR LIFE TURNING THINGS

INTO BONG THAT AREN'T BONGS.

MY FAVORITE STONER IS THE DUDE.

HE STILL TIED A RUG TOGETHER.

JESUS WAS THE ORIGINAL DUDE

BECAUSES HE TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS

TO GIVE AWAY THEIR WORLDLY

POSSESSIONS AND THAT'S WHY ME

WASN'T POPULAR WITH THE JEWS.

YOU GET FOOT AND SHELTER WITHOUT

WORKING IT'S LIKE BEING A

GIRLFRIEND.

I WALKED A MILE IN BIRKEN

STOCKS.

I LIVED IN COTA RICA OFF $20 A

WEEK AND WHAT MAKES THE TRIPS

BETTER IS AFFORDING FOOD.

YOU WANT TO GO OFF THE GRID,

FINE.

YOUR LOSS.

THE DOW IS THROUGH THE ROOF

I ALWAYS SAID THE BEST WAY TO

STICK IT TO THE MAN IS TO SELL

OUT AND BE THE MAN BUT THE

ILLUSION IS A GENTLE SOUL IN A

CRUEL WORLD AND I PUT IT OUT

THEY WANTED HIM FOR OUR SEB

CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE PROFICIENT IN

WORLD?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WE DON'T ALLOW TWO

DANIELS HERE.

>> HEY, BRO, HOUSE IT GOING?

YOU MUST BE THE ILLUSION.

DID YOU WRITE IT ON A TACO

PAPER?

>> YES.

RECYCLE.

>> Tosh: THAT'S GOLDIN.

WHICH VIDEO WAS THE MOST

POPULAR.

>> THE BOWL CUT.

>> Tosh: HOW HOLD IS THE

ILLUSION.

>> I'M 43 YEARS OLD.

I NEVER KNOW WHO I AM WHEN I

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

>> Tosh: WHAT A TYPICAL DAY LIKE

IN THE LIFE OF THE ILLUSION.

>> WE GET UP AND JUMP INTO IT

WITHOUT A PRECONCEIVED NOTION.

>> Tosh: THERE A MRS. ILLUSION.

>> NO, SHE'D BE THE HOLOGRAM.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF

THESE ON YOUR HEAD?

I AM ASSURED THAT YOU DON'T.

YOU CAN'T THINK THE BOTTLES ARE

A GOOD IDEA.

>> IT'S AN A FUNCTION BEFORE

FASHION ISSUE.

>> Tosh: WHEN YOU'RE AT

BREAKFAST DOES THE ILLUSION GO

BAGEL OR CROISSANT.

>> I DON'T LIKE FOOD.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

COOKIE?

>> OREOS FIND THEMSELVES AS A

PREFERENCE.

>> Tosh: SNICKER DOODLE?

>> I GOT FIRST PLACE, SANTA CRUZ

COUNTY FAIR FOR MY SNICKER

DOODLE.

>> Tosh: AND THAT'S NOT ON YOUR

RESUME IN

>> I WAS YOUNG.

>> Tosh: WHERE IS SPACE SHIP

EARTH.

>> Reporter: THE ILLUSION

REPORTING ON SPACE SHIP EARTH.

>> IT'S A HOLOGRAM WE'RE ALL

EXPERIENCES BUT IT'S A SPACE

SHIP JAMMING THROUGH THE SOLAR

SYSTEM.

>> Tosh: IF WE DRUG TESTED YOU

WOULD YOU PASS?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Tosh: THAT BLEW PEOPLE'S

MINDS.

WHAT'S THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF

EDUCATION?

>> COLLEGE BUT I DIDN'T

GRADUATE.

>> Tosh: WOULD YOU CONSIDER IT'S

A WASTE OF MONEY.

>> I THINK IN TODAY'S SOCIETY

IT'S A DEBT.

>> Tosh: IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING

TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN

FIVE YEARS.

>> WHOA.

YOU'RE TRIPPING.

I DON'T DO THAT.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE ANSWER I'VE

EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

YOU JUST GET ELECTIONED

PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON DAY ONE?

>> MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

>> Tosh: DO YOU BELIEVE A LOT OF

CONSPIRACY THEORYS.

>> THEY'RE MORE THAN TRUTH AND

REALTIES.

THE WORLD'S RAN BY THE NEW WORLD

ORDER LOW FREQUENCY BEINGS

TRYING TO ZAP OUR ENERGY AND

TRYING TO KEEP US TRAPPED IN THE

HOLOGRAM.

>> Tosh: GOT IT.

ONE LAST QUESTION, ARE YOU

WILLING TO DO WHATEVER I SAY AND

WORK FOR FREE?

>> OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

>> Tosh: WELCOME ABOARD YOU'RE

"TOSH.0" NEWEST INTERN.

>> CAN I GET OUT OF THIS SUIT?

MY DAD NEEDS IT FOR HIS JOB

INTERVIEW.

>> Tosh: YEAH.

>> I HAD A FAR OUT DREAM.

MY BED TURNED INTO AN EAGLE AND

I WAS GETTING TUBE AND I WAS

LIKE WHOA.

HELLO, YOU'VE REACHED THE

OFFICES.

"TOSH.0."

>> Tosh: PICK THOSE UP.

>> GOT YOU THREE GRAMS.

GOING ON A WEED RUN.

I GET YOU SOMETHING?

>> HOW ABOUT A GRAM.

I'LL PAY TOMORROW.

>> SORRY, NO CASH, NO KUSH.

>> Tosh: THOSE ARE SICK.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU HEARD THE

ILLUSION'S MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY

STORY.

>> DON'T EVER MENTION THAT NAME

AROUND ME AGAIN.

THIS SEASON THE WARDROBE WILL BE

BOGGLED.

>> Tosh: I TOLD YOU TO WALK MY

DOG.

>> ON IT.

THIS IS MY LATEST INVENTION.

THE SCOOP TO PICK UP THE

BISCUITS.

DON'T THINK OF STEALING THIS

IDEA.

HOWDY.

>> HOW'D YOU GET IN THERE?

>> I KNOW, RIGHT.

>> HARSH.

>> THE ILLUSION'S GIVING OUT NEW

HAIR CUTS.

>> WE'RE DOING THE TRADITIONAL

BOWL CUT WHICH IS SLIGHTLY

CROOKED AND MAYBE A CHUNK OUT OF

THE BANGS THAT ISN'T RIGHT AND

START CUTTING AND MAKE IT INTO A

BOWL.

>> YOU EYE-BALL IT.

>> YEAH.

IT WILL GROW OUT.

3:15.

THAT'S IT FOR ME.

I'M POOPED.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE BOWL

CUT?

>> MA NANA.

>> Tosh: WHAT'D YOU THINK OF THE

ILLUSION.

>> WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING WEIRD ALL

DAY.

>> Tosh: YOU MEAN THE ILLUSION

IS AN ILLUSION?

IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO MYSELF

RIGHT NOW.

>> NO, GET OFF ME.

>> I GOT IT.

>> Tosh: OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

THE ILLUSION JUST SHOT MY

GIRLFRIEND IN THE FACE.

IF YOU'RE AT HOME THAT'S OUR

SECOND DAVID FINCHER PARODY TO

DATE BUT FIRST, BEST FRIENDS

SHOULDN'T PEE ON EACH OTHER.

>> HI, HOW ARE YOU?

>> HE'S PEEING ON YOU.

>> WAS HE REALLY?

[LAUGHTER]

[***]

>> SEXUALITY IS NOT INNATE.

IT'S NOT A GENETIC TRAIT

YOU CAN'T REPLICATE THE LOVE

BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN.

HOMOSEXUALITY IS A POISON THAT

INTOXICATES THE MIND.

A MALE IT MALE CONTACT IS THE

HIGHEST RATE OF HIV CASES AND TO

ADVOCATE FOR THIS LIFESTYLE IS

CONSIDERED LOVE AND TO GO

AGAINST IT IT'S LABELLED HATE.

THEY DON'T SEE WHAT'S AT STAKE

UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.

>> Tosh: I MISS INXS.

IT WAS SUFFOCATE BEFORE THAT?

IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I

DROPPED THE TRACK BUT I'M NOT

TOO BIG TO GET DIRTY IN THE

WOODS AND IN THE NAME OF CIVIL

RIGHTS.

PUT DOWN MY HEADPHONES.

I KNOW I'M NOT WEARING

HEADPHONES.

JUST TURN -- HERE WE GO.

[***]

>> Tosh: THIS IS RATED M FOR

MASTURBATE.

DON'T TRY TO RHYME WHILE YOU

DISCRIMINATE.

YOU SOUND LIKE STEPHEN A. SMITH

TRYING TO ANNUNCIATE.

THOSE WHO VOTED YET ON PROP 8

MAKE ME IRATE.

QUEER WILL COHABITATE LIKE YOU

WILL MENSTRUATE GAY GUYS

EXFOLIATE AND USE COLGATE SO

KNOCK OFF WITH THE HATE.

AT LEAST THEY CAN'T KILL BABIES

BEFORE THEY'RE DUE DATE.

MEN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO

TITILLATE EACH OTHER'S PROSTATE.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO

WE PENETRATE.

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA

GREAT.

SEEMS LIKE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR

[BLEEP] BY SAME-SEX DATE.

BY THE WAY, YOU RICKY LAKE I DID

MY RAP IN ONE TAKE.

MACKLEMORE AND I WILL BE

PERFORMING THAT LIVE AT

BONNAROO.

THERE WILL BE NO VIDEO TONIGHT

INSTEAD I'M GIVING THE GIFT OF

TODD GLASS.

HEY, HIS PRANK SHOW IS

EVERYBODY'S FOURTH FAVORITE

SEGMENT THAT DOESN'T STAR ME.

>> IT'S REALLY BAD.

[ SIRENS WAILING ]

>> [BLEEP]'S THIS?

THE MILLION MAN MARCH.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER IN THE

CAR.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR PUT YOUR

HANDS AGAINST THE CAR.

I'M NOT [BLEEP]ING AROUND.

SHUT UP, THIS ISN'T A MOVIE

THEATRE, ARSENIO.

ANDRE 3,000 PUT YOUR HANDS ON

THE CAR.

LOOK AT THIS ASHY MOTHER

[BLEEP].

HOW MANY MINUTES YOU GOT ON

HERE?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE DRINKING

SOMETHING PURPLE?

>> WHAT YOU SAY?

>> THIS JUST GOT REAL DIDN'T IT?

YOU GOT SOME DUMB [BLEEP].

YOU'RE ON THE TODD GLASS SHOW.

I SMOKE TOO MUCH POT TO BE A

REAL COP.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON

YOUR FACES.

A REAL COP WOULDN'T EVEN WORK IN

THE AREA.

IT'S UNINCORPORATED.

THINK HIM STUPID ENOUGH TO

HARASS THREE BLACK GUYS.

THINK I'M A DUMB COP I'M GOING

RISK MY LIFE FOR STRANGERS?

I WOULDN'T MAKE A BULLET MORE MY

MOM.

GOOD TIMES, HUH.

GOOD TIMES.

>> TODD GLASS'S AWFUL PRANK

SHOW.

>> Tosh: IT'S IMPORTANT TO TODD

I MAKE IT CLEAR HE LOVES ALL

BLACK PEOPLE BUT STILL NOT SO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.

FOR MARCH MADNESS I HAVE MIAMI

MAKING IT TO THE ELITE EIGHT.

WE HAVE THIS WE HAVE REDEMPTION.

>> WE'RE GOING TALK ABOUT

MIDGETS.

THEY HAVE TO GO TO THEIR OWN

MIDGET PRISON BECAUSE THEY CAN

FIT THROUGH THE BARS.

>> Tosh: THAT'S HIGHLY

OFFENSIVE.

HOW ARE THEY GOING TO SLIP

THROUGH THE BARS.

LITTLE PEOPLE HAVE SLIGHTLY TO

NORMAL SIZED HEAD DEPENDING ON

THEIR DWARFISM.

KEEP UP ON OUR BLOG AND SEE ME

ON THE JUNE GLOOM SHOW WITH

JARROD MAR MICHAEL.

THAT'S A CUPCAKE.

A CINNAMON CUPCAKE FROM

SPRINKLES THEY'RE VERY MOIST AND

FOLLOW THE ACTUAL ME ON TWITTER.

THERE ARE IMPOSTERS.

IT'S NOT A PARODY IF THEY'RE

DONE THIS POORLY.

I USE MY LIKENESS AND ESSENCE.

WHATEVER THAT IS.

THAT'S CRIMINAL.

THIS PHONY WRITES I'M NOT DANIEL

TOSH BUT FUNNIER.

THOSE ARE BIG WORDS.

IF MONDAYS WERE SHOES THEY'D BE

CROC.

NOT SO EASY, IS IT?

100,000 OF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH

TO BELIEVE THIS HACK IS ME?

HERE WE HAVE UNDERSCORE DANNY

TOSH UNDERSCORE.

THAT'S ONE I FOUGHT GET.

LITTLE LATE TO THE GAME.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT ME BECAUSE

HE'S FOLLOWING 40,000 PEOPLE.

I STRUGGLE FOLLOWING 89 AND I

WANT TO KILL HALF OF THEM FOR

RETWEETING EVERY TIME SOMEONE

PAYS THEM A COMPLIMENT.

ONE SAID I'M NOT DANIEL TOSH SO

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW I MADE

THE ASSUMPTION.

WE LOOK SIMILAR.

THE TOSH MEISTER?

SENT ONE OUT THREE YEARS AGO.

MY PROBLEM IS THERE ARE 17,000

PEOPLE FOLLOWING THIS FRAUD

SAYING I WISH DANIEL TOSH WOULD

TWEET MORE

I DON'T MEAN TO TAKE EXTREME

MEASURES BUT I BLOCKED YOU AND

REPORTED YOU AS SPAM.

TAKE THAT.

TOMORROW'S WINNING LOTTERY

NUMBERS ARE 10, 18, 19, 41, 23,

49'S YOUR POWERBALL.

GOOD NIGHT